NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning

St. Louis @ Chicago

The Rams are 1-1. Not a big deal, you say? Well would you like to know the last time that St. Louis started 1-1? Me too. Somebody look that up. Anyway, this year's team seems to have actually turned things around, at least on the offensive side of the ball. The Rams' O has averaged 27 points over the first two weeks, a marked improvement over the 12.1 ppg that they put up in 2011. How marked? Totes marked. Of course, their defense has also allowed 27.5 ppg, so it's still a bit hard to take them seriously. Speaking of making it hard to take you seriously. I thought I'd seen pouting before, but last Thursday Jay Cutler reached new heights even for him, and those are unbelievable heights, we're talking Robert Wadlow style here. The deciding factor in this contest will most likely be the Bears defense, which actually played pretty well for most of the game against Green Bay, and playing pretty well is precisely the blueprint for beating St. Louis.

Bears 31-24


Buffalo @ Cleveland

It's a Rustbelt showdown! Fun fact that isn't true: these were the two most populous cities in the 1930 US Census. As a tribute to this, I feel like the game should be banned from TV and probably radio too. Ideally the only reports of this game would be provided by ticker tape. And you better bring a shitload of it, because this one could go alllllll night! Actually that could not happen due to the NFL rules. Come to think of it, a tie would be a fitting end for this throwback, but I know you folks don't come here for ties, this isn't the Men's Wearhouse. That being said, at the end of this game, if you're a Bills fan you're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it.

Bills 27-23


Tampa Bay @ Dallas

Both of these teams have played the Giants, so if we simply employ the transitive property based on their games against that mutual opponent it's clear that the Cowboys will win. Of course, it's common knowledge that Bucs' coach Greg Schiano's favorite saying is, "Fuck the transitive property." In fact, that's what he said to Tom Coughlin during their postgame altercation, which explains why Coughlin looked so confused; it had nothing to do with Tampa being over-zealous on the game's final snap. Speaking of which, it seems to me that the Bucs were simply playing the game all the way until the bitter end, a kind of never say die attitude that the Cowboys clearly don't have. And it's for that very reason that I'm picking Dallas. I admire a team that knows when to die.

Cowboys 23-18


New York Jets @ Miami

It's almost here. After a sub-par Week 2 performance from Mark Sanchez, Jets fans are most likely getting a little antsy. Now all it will take is Sanchez wilting in the Miami heat to set up a day of reckoning when the Jets return to New York in Week 3 to play San Francisco. Obviously Sanch will struggle mightily in the first half, leading the masses to chant His name. And then we will see Him rise again. And they will call Him Tebow, and He will be good. For this prophecy to come true it will require a second straight home win from the Dolphins. This might be asking too much, or maybe ... not enough? Yeah, that makes sense.

Dolphins 21-14


San Francisco @ Minnesota

A lot of people are saying that the 49ers are the best team in the NFL. Of course, those people aren't me. For starters I'm only one person, it would be impossible for me to be people. It's just logic folks. Is San Francisco the best team in the league? I'll hold my judgment until after the Super Bowl, I never jump to conclusions when declaring the league's best team. Is San Francisco good enough to beat the Vikings? If you're talking about the Christian Ponder led Vikings, then yes, they're good enough.

49ers 23-9


Kansas City @ New Orleans

This promises to be one of the more entertaining games during the morning due in large part to the fact that both teams' defenses have been so god-awful. They've each relinquished an average of 37.5 points per game, leading me to believe that this will be a high scoring affair, and on a broader scale just leading me to believe again. Look, I can't get too into it here but these abominable defenses have opened me up spiritually in ways I could never have imagined so soon after the accident. I'm sorry, I can't continue any further with this game, it's getting too deep.

Saints 41-28


Cincinnati @ Washington

With RG3 at the helm the Redskins offense has become nothing short of dynamic, while the Bengals defense has been everything short of dynamic. This looks like a recipe for a Washington scoring outburst. And this looks like a recipe for banana bread.

Redskins 35-25


Detroit @ Tennessee

The Titans have managed just 23 points so far this season. I'm not saying that Jake Locker shouldn't be their starting quarterback, but it's clear that the Gods are angered, or maybe just confused by the fact that Matthew Hasselbeck is on the sideline. It's just unnatural, though it does give him ample opportunity to wear a hat. It would appear that for the time being Tennessee will stick with Locker, at least until a giant spear descends from the heavens and pierces midfield. After that they'll probably figure it out.

Lions 30-17


Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

After showing signs of life in Week 1, the Jaguars revealed their true selves in a 27-7 home loss to the Texans. And it's this kind of putrid consistency that will most likely relegate them to the Corner Screen at The Shack for a second week in this young season. Maybe they'll surprise us all and pull out a win, and congrats to them if they do. I'll have to take your word for it though, because I refuse to watch.

Colts 20-13


Sunday Afternoon

Philadelphia @ Arizona

It's a battle of unbeaten teams that could easily be a battle of winless teams. The Eagles and Cards have won their four games by a combined total of eight points. Michael Vick has already thrown six interceptions this season, meanwhile the Cardinals quarterback is Kevin Kolb. Hey speaking of Kolb, this is his chance to finally get revenge against Philadelphia, the team that traded him allowing him to sign a gigantic, unwarranted contract with Arizona. Man I can't wait to see what he's got in store for those bastards. Judging by both of these teams' games so far this figures to be a nail-biter, after which we still won't be sure if either team is good.

Cardinals 19-17


Atlanta @ San Diego

Both of these teams also come into this match-up undefeated, and while the Chargers have looked fairly tough to beat so far, the Falcons may have just the key to handing them their first loss: competent long-snapping. In fact, if there was a ticking time bomb that had to be disposed of, and for whatever reason the only viable option of disposing of that time bomb was bending over and flinging the time bomb between your legs, I wouldn't want anybody other than Josh Harris to do the job. And just to reiterate, that "job" is flinging a ticking time bomb through his legs while bent over. Unfortunately, while on a football field Harris's impact is limited, and with his team coming off a short week and a long plane flight I'll have to go with San Diego.

Chargers 27-24


Houston @ Denver

The Texans continue to stake their claim as the best team in the AFC. Of course, they've staked said claim on the withered corpses of the Jaguars and the Dolphins, who were being guided by a clearly petrified Ryan Tannehill in his first start. This figures to be Houston's first real test as they travel to Denver to take on Peyton Manning, who almost led his team to a stunning comeback victory last week. Of course, the reason they were trailing by so much is because of his atrocious first half. I think Manning will find a balance in this game and just be pretty bad throughout.

Texans 24-17


Pittsburgh @ Oakland

It's a rematch of the Immaculate Reception game, which of course makes me wonder how long it would take the replacement refs to review that play if it happened on Sunday. My guess is 47 minutes, which is also my guess for how many actual game clock minutes it will take the Raiders to score points in this contest.

Steelers 20-3


Sunday Night

New England @ Baltimore

Surprisingly, one of these teams will fall to 1-2 by the time this game is done. I mean, it's not that surprising since they're both 1-1 right now, but you get what I'm saying, right? I'll just assume you said yes; and if you said no, c'mon, stop being a dick. Speaking of being a dick, the Patriots are apparently freezing out Wes Welker. What did he ever do to them besides drop the pass that would have clinched the Super Bowl and then ask for a new contract the next season? It seems pretty petty to me, and I think it will only hurt this team as long as their dispute lingers on.

Ravens 26-23


Monday Night

Green Bay @ Seattle

It's official, the Seahawks are the best team in the NFL. Look, I'm not making this up. According to a stat called SRS, which rates a team's quality relative to average, with 0 being average, the Hawks rate a league best 27.7. Do I fully understand SRS? No. But I understand that it gets results, correct results. I was a bit worried about the Hawks' match-up with Green Bay, but SRS has never steered me wrong in the past. Another interesting tidbit I discovered this week is that the Seattle secondary refers to itself as the Legion of Boom. Well, I'm on board! And I'm willing to bet that after a few long runs by Marshawn, the DBs will be on the sideline saying, "Ohhhhhhhh what a rush!"

Seahawks 24-21