Sunday Morning
Seattle @ Chicago
The Seahawks are
playing on the road in this game. Normally that would be plenty of
analysis, but perhaps it won't automatically spell doom for the Hawks as
it has for them so far this season. The last two regular season trips
to Chicago have resulted in Ws for Seattle, which has to count for
something (NOTE: They counted as wins, one in '10 and one in '11 ...
that's what they counted for). The Bears defense has made their name by
forcing turnovers, especially Charles Tillman, who has become infamous
for punching balls out of opposing players' arms. However, I've learned
that the Seahawks have braced for the ball-punching by practicing with this guy all week. That added preparation should be enough to put them over the top.
Seahawks 20-17
Jacksonville @ Buffalo
These
Jags are not going away, which is too bad for them because they already
have 9 losses and no realistic chance of making the playoffs. If they
did just go away they'd have a good shot at the first pick in next
April's draft. Of course, that would require a Mike Mularkey team to
give up, and you know what I have to say to that? Fat fucking chance.
Speaking of Mularkey, he'll be coaching against his former team in this
game, which is a storyline that no one seems to be talking about, and
with good reason, it's just not that interesting. Even Mularkey's
immediate family didn't seem intrigued when I discussed the matter with
them on Skype earlier this week. As boring as that all may be it's worth
noting that Chad Henne has done a markedly (Mularkedly?) better job
running the Jacksonville offense than Blaine Gabbert, and I actually
like their chances of getting the win at Buffalo.
Jaguars 27-23
San Francisco @ St. Louis
The
last time these teams met there were no winners, except for the fans,
all of whom love ties. Colin Kaepernick is now 2-0 as a starter, but to
be fair those starts came against Chicago and New Orleans; the road gets
a bit more bumpy with the Rams next on the slate. Good luck kid, you're
gonna need it. Ever hear of the 12th Ram? You will on Sunday ... maybe.
It's unclear if anybody is really in the stands, it might just be
cardboard cut-outs.
49ers 24-16
New England @ Miami
One big
question hangs over this game as we get closer to Sunday: Will Miami
trigger their sprinklers at an opportune moment in an effort to gain an
unfair advantage again? I say why not, it clearly worked the last time.
As long as the NFL is doing nothing to discipline this blatant and
egregious abuse of stadium facilities the Dolphins' grounds crew will
continue to nefariously alter the outcomes of games. I expect Goodell to
come down with a ruling before the weekend, so look for the Pats to
win.
Patriots 38-21
Arizona @ New York Jets
When
bald eagles mate they lock claws in mid-air and plummet towards the
ground in a free fall. So in a way this game between the Cardinals and
Jets will look a lot like bald eagle sex. Considering these teams have
combined to go 2-12 since Week 4, to say that they're in a free fall is
not an exaggeration. Which will pull out of their dive first? Tune in to
find out! And then tell me what happens, because I will not be
watching.
Jets 20-13
Indianapolis @ Detroit
As you all probably know by now Jim
Schwartz cost his team on Thanksgiving when he challenged a touchdown
that would have been automatically reviewed incurring an unsportsmanlike
conduct penalty and negating that review. What you may have forgotten
is that Jim Harbaugh (Jaw Sweatshirt) did the same thing against the
Lions last season at which point Schwartz could clearly be seen shouting
across the field, "Learn the rules Harbaugh!" (LINK) Well well well,
the flag's in the other pocket now isn't it Schwartzy? What a turbo
(though it's important to keep in mind that Jaw Sweatshirt made the same
mistake last year, never forget that). That being said, the Colts have
been fairly poor on the road this season, so I'll take the Lions even
though their coach is a hypocrite.
Lions 28-23
Minnesota @ Green Bay
Aaron
Rodgers looked out of sorts last week against the Giants, resulting in
him looking sort of awful. Though the blame for the Packers' sub-par
performance mostly lies with their offensive line's inability to block,
which is an important skill to possess if you want to be an effective
offensive line in the National Football League. The home field advantage
should help this week, and if it doesn't than the lineman should
consider sewing all their jerseys together to make an impenetrable wall
of mesh that may not technically be legal but surely worth a shot.
Packers 31-13
Houston @ Tennessee
With a
10-1 record it's hard to argue that the Texans have taken care of
business so far, especially when you consider the fact that they've won
in OT the last two weeks. So in other words, they're taking care of
business and working overtime ... workout! Ba da na na na Na na na na
na! Bow wow now now now Weow weow weow weow weow! And against the Titans
shoddy defense Johnson, Foster, Schaub'll thrive.
Texans 35-21
Carolina @ Kansas City
Corner screen at The Shack, main screen in Hell.
Panthers 23-14
Sunday Afternoon
Tampa Bay @ Denver
The
Buccaneers defense is first in the league against the run but last
against the pass. "Awesome!" said Peyton Manning. The Broncos' QB has to
be licking his chops in preparation for this match-up. Though ever
sense he's been in Denver he's been licking his chops a lot more because
he's at a very high altitude and the cold, thin air has rendered his
lips terribly chapped, so it might have nothing to do with this game.
Either way, expect big numbers from Manning on the way to a seventh
straight win.
Broncos 31-24
Cleveland @ Oakland
Have
you ever watched a cat hack up a hairball all the way from start to
finish, from the first stomach spasm through the regurgitation? If you
answered no, just watch this game, then I'll ask you the same question
afterward and you'll be able to say yes.
Browns 24-21
Cincinnati @ San Diego
Neither
of these teams managed to sell out their game last week, so what are
the chances that the fans in San Diego show up for this one? Is it like
when you multiply two negatives and it becomes a positive? I'll bet that
it will be more like adding negatives, which makes for an even greater
negative. Look, I'm not trying to be too negative here but if the
Chargers' fans didn't show up last week, they certainly won't show up
after their team blew a game in ridiculous fashion. The lack of
home-field advantage should prove beneficial for the streaking Bengals.
Bengals 27-20
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
The outcome of this game could very
well depend on whether or not Ben Roethlisberger plays. The Steelers
most definitely have a better shot with him in the game, and conversely
they have a much worse shot without him in the game, that's how that
works. See that's what I was trying to say earlier when I said that
"this game could very well depend on whether or not Ben Reothlisberger
plays." Hopefully that's all clear to you at this point. Either way I
think Pittsburgh loses.
Ravens 19-9
Sunday Night
Philadelphia @ Dallas
The
Cowboys are hanging on to their playoff hope by a thread, a loose
thread on a sweater that just keeps unraveling until they'll eventually
be left with nothing. But this Eagles team may as well be a master
seamstress capable of taking that thread and ... alright to hell with
it, what I'm trying to say is that Philly sucks and they're showing no
signs of stopping any time soon.
Cowboys 35-17
Monday Night
New York Giants @ Washington
RG3
put on quite the show on Thanksgiving in Dallas, well now he's taking
his show to Broadway! Whoops, no he's not, this game is being played in
D.C. Well in that case, I guess we could say that it's time that Mr.
Griff goes to Washington ... for the 6th time this season. Meanwhile the
Giants re-established themselves as a force to be reckoned with after a
dominant win over Green Bay last week. It's highly possible that both
these teams are peaking right now, which means that when they clash on
Monday it may create some sort of magnificent light beam that will
rocket into the sky and stay there for all of time. Or it could just be a
pretty solid game. You should probably tune in just in case it's the
former.
Giants 26-24
11.29.2012
NFL Picks Week 13 - Thursday
New Orleans @ Atlanta
The Falcons are 10-1, and we should all be impressed, right? Perhaps not. Consider this, their last seven wins have come by an average of about 5 points per game. Still impressed? The correct answer is yes. Look jerks, they're winning games on a weekly basis which is a heck of a lot better than losing them, right? Of course, their lone loss of the season came against the Saints, the very team they'll play on Thursday night in Atlanta. New Orleans won the previous match-up by 4 points, and this one figures to be close too, unless it's a blow out.
Falcons 30-28
The Falcons are 10-1, and we should all be impressed, right? Perhaps not. Consider this, their last seven wins have come by an average of about 5 points per game. Still impressed? The correct answer is yes. Look jerks, they're winning games on a weekly basis which is a heck of a lot better than losing them, right? Of course, their lone loss of the season came against the Saints, the very team they'll play on Thursday night in Atlanta. New Orleans won the previous match-up by 4 points, and this one figures to be close too, unless it's a blow out.
Falcons 30-28
11.22.2012
NFL Picks - Week 12
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ Miami
The Seahawks are coming off their bye week to take the longest road trip the NFL has to offer, unless you count the London games, but those are just exhibitions so I don't include them (Whoops! Just checked and it turns out those are real games, man I've been way off these last few years; to be fair though I don't watch much football ... yeeeeessssh, please forget I said that). At this point it's clear that any game away from home is a test for the Hawks, but tests were meant to be aced. Or flunked I suppose, that's the whole point of tests, to prove whether or not you can pass them. Speaking of passing, Russell Wilson! Go Hawks.
Seahawks 23-16
Minnesota @ Chicago
These teams will be meeting two times in the next three weeks, a scheduling anomaly that will occur a total of three times across the league this season. I don't remember this happening as often in the past, meaning that the addition of more Thursday games has to be the cause. I hope you're happy Goodell, I hope you're happy! (Just heard back from the commissioner's office, and he is indeed quite pleased). Obviously Jason Campbell is not going to get it done as the Bears' starting QB; sorry that should have said Jason Campbell is not going to get it done as a starting QB. Though it's also hard for me to believe that Christian Ponder can go to Chicago and get a win against the Bears' D.
Bears 17-13
Oakland @ Cincinnati
Ohhhh baby, it's time for some sweet sweet revenge for Carson Palmer, or maybe for the Bengals, wait who was at fault in that dispute again? I remember that Palmer simply refused to play, which is always admirable, and that the Bengals finally did trade him for an insane amount of high draft picks. On second thought I wouldn't be surprised to see the city of Cincinnati throw Carson Palmer a parade upon his return. It would be especially savvy if they held the parade right around kickoff time to distract Palmer, leaving the Raiders with Matt Leinart at the helm, which I think we can all agree would be a heck of a lot of fun.
Bengals 34-20
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
Is it fitting that in a week so known for food that a fresh Batch will be starting at quarterback for the Steelers? Or is it merely a lame, witless pun used as a desperate tactic by a hack writer that has an ever-dwindling amount of salient points to offer about his subject matter? You be the judge; but it's probably the first one. As apropos as his newly elevated spot on the depth chart may be, I don't see Charlie Batch getting a road victory, even against the Browns.
Browns 16-14
Buffalo @ Indianapolis
Andrew Luck seemed to come back to Earth a bit last week in a 59-24 blowout loss at New England, but don't tell that to anyone in the media. As that debacle was unfolding Phil Simms, the color commentator for the game, was endlessly slurping Luck as if he were the one leading his team to a 30 point win. To hear it from Simms nothing negative that transpired for the Colts could be considered Luck's fault. It's obvious that Luck is a promising quarterback, but right now he has 12 TDs and 12 INTs, can we slow down just a bit on anointing him the future of the position? I mean, maybe if he had a better ratio, like oh I don't know, let's say 15 TDs and 8 INTs we could have that discussion. That being said, I think Luck will dominate the Bills because he's possibly one of the type five quarterbacks in the league right now, if not ever.
Colts 28-21
Denver @ Kansas City
A lot of folks are saying that the Broncos are the hottest team in the NFL right now. Hmmm, maybe. If you ask me Peyton Manning's kind of weird looking and while Eric Decker's pretty dreamy that hair of his isn't doing much for me. Ok, now that I think about it a bit more they probably meant something else by "hottest team in the NFL," man is there egg on my face; and I don't mean figuratively, I just had a calamitously comedic kitchen accident. After taking all of this into account it seems clear the Denver will win easily.
Broncos 27-10
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
Playoff implications? Check. An intense divisional match-up between the top team in the NFC and a young up-start? Check. A football game? Check. That's three checks! And on this grading scale a check is at least equal to a plus. So in other words this game is a triple plus. The Bucs are looking to win their 5th in a row while the Falcons have an opportunity to all but clinch the division with a win. Neither team was terribly impressive in victory last week, but they survived, and in this world ain't that all that matters? Sorry I'm watching Walking Dead right now. This should be an interesting match-up but I expect the experienced Falcons to get the W.
Falcons 24-21
Tennessee @ Jacksonville
These teams' seasons are so dead that they need a coroner. Which is ironic, because this game will be in the corner ... SCREEN AT THE SHACK!. Honestly, there is no reason to watch this game, especially now that Matthew Hasselbeck is on the bench counting down the days until he will take his brother's job at ESPN. So who wins? No one, even the team that wins.
Jaguars 28-24
Sunday Afternoon
Baltimore @ San Diego
It's a bad sign for your season when losing to the Broncos by only 7 is considered an impressive outing. That's where we're at with the Chargers. San Diego started the season off at 2-0, now they're 4-6, meaning they've gone 2-6 in their last eight games. Fun fact: those two wins came against the Chiefs. The Ravens have amassed an 8-2 record by taking advantage of a weak schedule, and things don't get any tougher for them this week, meaning a 9-2 record and a sustained lack of belief is well within their grasp.
Ravens 24-17
St. Louis @ Arizona
It's well publicized that the Cardinals have lost 6 straight games after winning their first 4, so pointing out how hilarious it is would serve no purpose. No purpose at all. And as we all know, the Rams lost by double digits at home to the lowly Jets, so I don't really have to bring it up here. But it's important to note that both of these teams are struggling; struggling mightily. Normally I'd give the advantage to the home team, but normally the home team isn't starting Ryan Lindley, making the outcome of this game nearly impossible to forecast. It's coin flippin' time!
Rams 20-17
San Francisco @ New Orleans
Don't look now, but the Saints are .... Ok, sorry, you can look again ... but the Saints are back in the NFC playoff race. They'll face a formidable opponent this week when Colin Kaepernick and the 49ers come to town. San Francisco's new QB wowed in his first start on Monday, but will he be able to replicate that performance against the NFL's 31st best pass defense? Actually, yeah, I don't see why that would be a problem. However, it's Kaepernick's first road start and now the Saints have at least some tape to study in preparation for him. I keep going back and forth on this one, but I realize that eventually I'll have to make a pick. I suppose it would be cowardly to wait until Sunday night, right? Damn it, fine.
49ers 28-25
Sunday Night
Green Bay @ New York Giants
Last January the Giants waltzed into Lambeau Field and dismantled the Packers in the divisional playoff round on their way to a Super Bowl championship. So they've got Green Bay's number right? Think twice scumbag. Two important factors are working against New York: they're at home, and it's a regular season game; both of which mean that they probably won't generate a dominant pass rush nor will they give a shit. Expect Aaron Rodgers and the Packers to go Burger King all over their asses, meaning they'll have it their way (is Burger King still in business?).
Packers 31-23
Monday Night
Carolina @ Philadelphia
BAAAARRRRRRRRF! Eagles - Vick & McCoy + Foles & Brown = Loss.
Panthers 16-13
Seattle @ Miami
The Seahawks are coming off their bye week to take the longest road trip the NFL has to offer, unless you count the London games, but those are just exhibitions so I don't include them (Whoops! Just checked and it turns out those are real games, man I've been way off these last few years; to be fair though I don't watch much football ... yeeeeessssh, please forget I said that). At this point it's clear that any game away from home is a test for the Hawks, but tests were meant to be aced. Or flunked I suppose, that's the whole point of tests, to prove whether or not you can pass them. Speaking of passing, Russell Wilson! Go Hawks.
Seahawks 23-16
Minnesota @ Chicago
These teams will be meeting two times in the next three weeks, a scheduling anomaly that will occur a total of three times across the league this season. I don't remember this happening as often in the past, meaning that the addition of more Thursday games has to be the cause. I hope you're happy Goodell, I hope you're happy! (Just heard back from the commissioner's office, and he is indeed quite pleased). Obviously Jason Campbell is not going to get it done as the Bears' starting QB; sorry that should have said Jason Campbell is not going to get it done as a starting QB. Though it's also hard for me to believe that Christian Ponder can go to Chicago and get a win against the Bears' D.
Bears 17-13
Oakland @ Cincinnati
Ohhhh baby, it's time for some sweet sweet revenge for Carson Palmer, or maybe for the Bengals, wait who was at fault in that dispute again? I remember that Palmer simply refused to play, which is always admirable, and that the Bengals finally did trade him for an insane amount of high draft picks. On second thought I wouldn't be surprised to see the city of Cincinnati throw Carson Palmer a parade upon his return. It would be especially savvy if they held the parade right around kickoff time to distract Palmer, leaving the Raiders with Matt Leinart at the helm, which I think we can all agree would be a heck of a lot of fun.
Bengals 34-20
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
Is it fitting that in a week so known for food that a fresh Batch will be starting at quarterback for the Steelers? Or is it merely a lame, witless pun used as a desperate tactic by a hack writer that has an ever-dwindling amount of salient points to offer about his subject matter? You be the judge; but it's probably the first one. As apropos as his newly elevated spot on the depth chart may be, I don't see Charlie Batch getting a road victory, even against the Browns.
Browns 16-14
Buffalo @ Indianapolis
Andrew Luck seemed to come back to Earth a bit last week in a 59-24 blowout loss at New England, but don't tell that to anyone in the media. As that debacle was unfolding Phil Simms, the color commentator for the game, was endlessly slurping Luck as if he were the one leading his team to a 30 point win. To hear it from Simms nothing negative that transpired for the Colts could be considered Luck's fault. It's obvious that Luck is a promising quarterback, but right now he has 12 TDs and 12 INTs, can we slow down just a bit on anointing him the future of the position? I mean, maybe if he had a better ratio, like oh I don't know, let's say 15 TDs and 8 INTs we could have that discussion. That being said, I think Luck will dominate the Bills because he's possibly one of the type five quarterbacks in the league right now, if not ever.
Colts 28-21
Denver @ Kansas City
A lot of folks are saying that the Broncos are the hottest team in the NFL right now. Hmmm, maybe. If you ask me Peyton Manning's kind of weird looking and while Eric Decker's pretty dreamy that hair of his isn't doing much for me. Ok, now that I think about it a bit more they probably meant something else by "hottest team in the NFL," man is there egg on my face; and I don't mean figuratively, I just had a calamitously comedic kitchen accident. After taking all of this into account it seems clear the Denver will win easily.
Broncos 27-10
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
Playoff implications? Check. An intense divisional match-up between the top team in the NFC and a young up-start? Check. A football game? Check. That's three checks! And on this grading scale a check is at least equal to a plus. So in other words this game is a triple plus. The Bucs are looking to win their 5th in a row while the Falcons have an opportunity to all but clinch the division with a win. Neither team was terribly impressive in victory last week, but they survived, and in this world ain't that all that matters? Sorry I'm watching Walking Dead right now. This should be an interesting match-up but I expect the experienced Falcons to get the W.
Falcons 24-21
Tennessee @ Jacksonville
These teams' seasons are so dead that they need a coroner. Which is ironic, because this game will be in the corner ... SCREEN AT THE SHACK!. Honestly, there is no reason to watch this game, especially now that Matthew Hasselbeck is on the bench counting down the days until he will take his brother's job at ESPN. So who wins? No one, even the team that wins.
Jaguars 28-24
Sunday Afternoon
Baltimore @ San Diego
It's a bad sign for your season when losing to the Broncos by only 7 is considered an impressive outing. That's where we're at with the Chargers. San Diego started the season off at 2-0, now they're 4-6, meaning they've gone 2-6 in their last eight games. Fun fact: those two wins came against the Chiefs. The Ravens have amassed an 8-2 record by taking advantage of a weak schedule, and things don't get any tougher for them this week, meaning a 9-2 record and a sustained lack of belief is well within their grasp.
Ravens 24-17
St. Louis @ Arizona
It's well publicized that the Cardinals have lost 6 straight games after winning their first 4, so pointing out how hilarious it is would serve no purpose. No purpose at all. And as we all know, the Rams lost by double digits at home to the lowly Jets, so I don't really have to bring it up here. But it's important to note that both of these teams are struggling; struggling mightily. Normally I'd give the advantage to the home team, but normally the home team isn't starting Ryan Lindley, making the outcome of this game nearly impossible to forecast. It's coin flippin' time!
Rams 20-17
San Francisco @ New Orleans
Don't look now, but the Saints are .... Ok, sorry, you can look again ... but the Saints are back in the NFC playoff race. They'll face a formidable opponent this week when Colin Kaepernick and the 49ers come to town. San Francisco's new QB wowed in his first start on Monday, but will he be able to replicate that performance against the NFL's 31st best pass defense? Actually, yeah, I don't see why that would be a problem. However, it's Kaepernick's first road start and now the Saints have at least some tape to study in preparation for him. I keep going back and forth on this one, but I realize that eventually I'll have to make a pick. I suppose it would be cowardly to wait until Sunday night, right? Damn it, fine.
49ers 28-25
Sunday Night
Green Bay @ New York Giants
Last January the Giants waltzed into Lambeau Field and dismantled the Packers in the divisional playoff round on their way to a Super Bowl championship. So they've got Green Bay's number right? Think twice scumbag. Two important factors are working against New York: they're at home, and it's a regular season game; both of which mean that they probably won't generate a dominant pass rush nor will they give a shit. Expect Aaron Rodgers and the Packers to go Burger King all over their asses, meaning they'll have it their way (is Burger King still in business?).
Packers 31-23
Monday Night
Carolina @ Philadelphia
BAAAARRRRRRRRF! Eagles - Vick & McCoy + Foles & Brown = Loss.
Panthers 16-13
11.21.2012
NFL Picks - Thanksgiving
Houston @ Detroit
The Lions game on Thanksgiving is a lot like the kids' table, it's almost a real part of the day but it still has a lot of growing up to do. T-Gives has been especially unkind to Detroit in recent years, they've lost 8 in a row on the holiday, and with the Texans coming to town a 9th straight seems likely. It would seem that the Lions really don't enjoy playing on short rest, either that or they love their families so much that they're super bummed to be working on T-Gives. Bottom line, it's a troubling trend that shows no sign of stopping in 2012 ("T-Gives" what do you guys think? Pretty cool huh?).
Texans 27-20
Washington @ Dallas
I'm sure Native American families across the nation will gather to celebrate a holiday commemorating their peaceful coexistence with the colonists and watch a football team that celebrates and honors their culture ... called the Redskins. Yikes.
Cowboys 23-21
New England @ New York Jets
If this game were being played a couple years ago on Thanksgiving it would have been more interesting for a couple reasons. First off, the Jets were much more competitive, and secondly, Rex Ryan hadn't had his stomach stapled yet, meaning there's no way he would have been able to restrain himself from eating a full turkey dinner on the sidelines. As the game progressed Ryan would have lounged in a recliner and eventually fallen asleep sometime in the 4th quarter. But alas, Ryan is a changed man so I can't make a joke about him eating a full turkey dinner on the sidelines. Rats!
Patriots 31-17
The Lions game on Thanksgiving is a lot like the kids' table, it's almost a real part of the day but it still has a lot of growing up to do. T-Gives has been especially unkind to Detroit in recent years, they've lost 8 in a row on the holiday, and with the Texans coming to town a 9th straight seems likely. It would seem that the Lions really don't enjoy playing on short rest, either that or they love their families so much that they're super bummed to be working on T-Gives. Bottom line, it's a troubling trend that shows no sign of stopping in 2012 ("T-Gives" what do you guys think? Pretty cool huh?).
Texans 27-20
Washington @ Dallas
I'm sure Native American families across the nation will gather to celebrate a holiday commemorating their peaceful coexistence with the colonists and watch a football team that celebrates and honors their culture ... called the Redskins. Yikes.
Cowboys 23-21
New England @ New York Jets
If this game were being played a couple years ago on Thanksgiving it would have been more interesting for a couple reasons. First off, the Jets were much more competitive, and secondly, Rex Ryan hadn't had his stomach stapled yet, meaning there's no way he would have been able to restrain himself from eating a full turkey dinner on the sidelines. As the game progressed Ryan would have lounged in a recliner and eventually fallen asleep sometime in the 4th quarter. But alas, Ryan is a changed man so I can't make a joke about him eating a full turkey dinner on the sidelines. Rats!
Patriots 31-17
11.15.2012
NFL Picks - Week 11
Sunday Morning
Arizona @ Atlanta
This game features two teams that got out to impressive undefeated starts and are now on embarrassing losing streaks. Granted, the Falcons have only lost one in a row, but after winning their first eight you just know they're ashamed of themselves. I mean, they increased their amount of losses by infinity percent. When you look at it that way it's really pathetic. In other words, Atlanta is a team looking to reclaim their pride. As we all know, the Cardinals have lost their last five after starting 4-0; look for them to lose number six here, but don't look too hard because it probably won't be worth it.
Falcons 24-16
Cleveland @ Dallas
A couple weeks ago when his ability to govern his team was questioned Jerry Jones said that he would "Always be the Cowboys general manager." Besides that sounding like a line from The Shining it must have instilled confidence in his team. It's rare to have that type of stability in today's NFL. Most GMs last only a handful of years, so to have the assurance that yours will be around for eternity has to be comforting. Dallas has a chance to make a playoff push with five of their next six games coming at home. Meanwhile the Browns have a chance to make a push for the #1 pick in the draft with all of their next seven games coming against NFL teams.
Cowboys 26-13
Green Bay @ Detroit
The Packers had won four straight heading into their bye week and they really seemed to be getting in a rhythm. So was it a good thing for them to take a week off? Well, I have it on good authority that fullback John Kuhn went out and crushed ass in the greater Milwaukee area for seven straight days, so good luck trying to tell him that it wasn't a "good thing." As for the break messing with their momentum, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I mean I wouldn't be worried even if they lost, so maybe that's not the best way to phrase it, but what I was getting at is that I think Green Bay will win.
Packers 28-23
Cincinnati @ Kansas City
The Chiefs leaped a major hurdle last week when they managed to get their first lead of the season. Unfortunately for them most races have more than one hurdle (except for races that don't involve hurdles, but I think we can all agree that when I mentioned the presence of a hurdle in that first sentence we were operating on the assumption that this was not one of those races). The Bengals are coming off an impressive victory over the Giants and seem like they might be on the verge of turning their season around. You know what that means: Chiefs in an upset! And we'll all be upset that we missed it because it'll be on the CORNER SCREEN AT THE SHACK!
Chiefs 20-17
Philadelphia @ Washington
I know I said that if the Eagles lost last week that it would all but end their season, well I'm glad I said "all but" because if they lose this game it will certainly end their season (NOTE: I didn't actually say, "all but" I said "most likely"; you readers are so vigilant that I didn't even want to attempt to slip this one by you, keep up the good work gang, you're the real stars). The Redskins also need a win to salvage any semblance of hope, not just for their season but in general, the mood has turned very depressive in the Washington locker room. Well cheer up Redskins, I think you'll get a win against the Eagles with Nick Foles making his first start. Of course, you should also realize that football isn't everything and that true healing comes from within, but those are more long term goals.
Redskins 23-20
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Can anyone or anything stop these red hot Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Yes, fate can. Do I know something you don't? I guess we'll have to wait and see (I've just set up a scenario in which the only way I'll be wrong is if the Bucs win the Super Bowl; any other result and I'll simply slap together an explanation for the preceding, cryptic statement). In all seriousness though, Tampa has been on a roll lately, so why do I get the strange feeling that they'll blow it at Carolina? Maybe it's the fact that they have a home game against the Falcons next week, or maybe it's the fact that I've just snorted opiates. Either way, I'm going to pick another upset here.
Panthers 24-21
Jacksonville @ Houston
The Texans' win on a rain-soaked field in Chicago last week showed the rest of the league that they mean business, and that's really sad. You mean business? It's like, when did this become a job for you Texans? I remember when it was a game. When it was just about tossin' 'round the ol' pigskin with your pals in the backyard, and then someone attempting a punt and having it sail over the fence into the neighbor's yard and everybody being too big of a pussy to simply go ring another person's doorbell and ask for the ball back which effectively ended the game resulting in everyone having way too much free time on their hands leading them to experiment with cigarettes and God knows what assortment of hard drugs further down the line. So all in all maybe it's a good thing that Houston has taken a more professional approach to this season.
Texans 30-10
New York Jets @ St. Louis
A couple years ago, if you had told me that Rex Ryan cried in the locker room as a result of a loss to the Seahawks it would have thrilled me to no end. Now? It thrills me to an end, but that end took a long to time to get to. It's clear that Rex is extremely unhappy with his team's 3-6 start. So unhappy, in fact, that he cried in the locker room after the Jets' loss to the Seahawks, which I've already mentioned before, but it's certainly worth pointing out again. New York will look to start a turn around at St. Louis against a Rams team who tied with the 49ers last week. A tie in an NFL game? Some would consider that a crying shame. Rex Ryan, for example. As lame an ending as that tie was I think it's an encouraging sign for the Rams and will propel them to victory against the Jets. I know I've picked New York to lose plenty of times in the past, but trust me I'm not just crying wolf, nor am I crying like Rex Ryan did after his team's loss to the Seahawks last Sunday.
Rams 20-13
Sunday Afternoon
New Orleans @ Oakland
Expect the scoreboard to light up in this one! Of course, you should expect the scoreboard to light up during all the games this weekend because we live in 2012 and hand-ops are something of an antiquated notion, particularly in football where keeping up with the clock would be a real pain in the neck. But we're getting off track, what I was trying to say is that there figures to be a lot of points when these porous pass defenses and top 5 pass offenses go up against each other. It's possible that the Saints could experience a let down after their big win over Atlanta and before their playoff rematch with San Francisco next week, but the Raiders are just real crummy, especially without Darren McFadden (who would have guessed that he would get hurt?).
Saints 38-24
San Diego @ Denver
The Broncos have still scored 35 unanswered points on the Chargers dating back to their Monday night match-up in Week 6. Allow me to use this game as a platform to complain about one of my biggest announcer pet peeves. The term "unanswered points" is being grossly misused. For instance, let's say the Chargers score the first touchdown, then the Broncos follow with 21 straight points in the 2nd quarter, and San Diego opens the 3rd quarter with a field goal drive. More often than not I hear this scenario described as Denver having scored 21 unanswered points, well what about when San Diego answered!? They aren't unanswered points unless one team doesn't score for the remainder of the game, it's merely 21 straight points. Damn it I'm pissed! Anyway, Broncos will win.
Broncos 31-20
Indianapolis @ New England
This rivalry just got reignited! Expect Jim Nantz to say that within the first half hour of the broadcast. Here are some other things you can expect Nantz to say at some point during the game: "Touchdown!" "It's good." "Aaaand it's incomplete." "Out of bounds." "Fuck you Phil, I've had it with your shit!" Look for Andrew Luck to have a big day against the Pats' weak secondary, but it will most likely not be big enough.
Patriots 34-28
Sunday Night
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
It's Sunday night and it's Byron Leftwich time! This is much later than the normal Byron Leftwich time, which usually occurs at about 12:30 on a Wednesday when the 2nd team gets their reps in practice. Of course, this situation carries slightly more pressure, but if there's one man that can handle this type of pressure it's Joe Montana. That guy was just always cool. Unfortunately, Byron Leftwich is not Joe Montana, which is clear from the spelling of their names, but also their play on the football field; and I'm not even going to get into the whole race subject, because Leftwich is obviously not very fast and Montana in his prime would have clearly won that contest. The bottom line is that the Steelers needed overtime to beat the Chiefs last Monday; The Ravens pose a much tougher test, like that Bio midterm; hey what did you guys get on #3?
Ravens 17-10
Monday Night
Chicago @ San Francisco
Are you ready for some football? Jason Campbell I'm talking you specifically. I hope so for your sake, because it looks like you'll have to play a considerable amount of it as it appears Jay Cutler will not be active for the Bears. And if that does turn out to be the case I can't imagine that the Bears will have much success against the Niners defense. However, if Cutler does play, well I can imagine the Bears having success, but like I said before I've been snorting opiates, so I'm imagining some pretty weird stuff right now.
49ers 16-6
Arizona @ Atlanta
This game features two teams that got out to impressive undefeated starts and are now on embarrassing losing streaks. Granted, the Falcons have only lost one in a row, but after winning their first eight you just know they're ashamed of themselves. I mean, they increased their amount of losses by infinity percent. When you look at it that way it's really pathetic. In other words, Atlanta is a team looking to reclaim their pride. As we all know, the Cardinals have lost their last five after starting 4-0; look for them to lose number six here, but don't look too hard because it probably won't be worth it.
Falcons 24-16
Cleveland @ Dallas
A couple weeks ago when his ability to govern his team was questioned Jerry Jones said that he would "Always be the Cowboys general manager." Besides that sounding like a line from The Shining it must have instilled confidence in his team. It's rare to have that type of stability in today's NFL. Most GMs last only a handful of years, so to have the assurance that yours will be around for eternity has to be comforting. Dallas has a chance to make a playoff push with five of their next six games coming at home. Meanwhile the Browns have a chance to make a push for the #1 pick in the draft with all of their next seven games coming against NFL teams.
Cowboys 26-13
Green Bay @ Detroit
The Packers had won four straight heading into their bye week and they really seemed to be getting in a rhythm. So was it a good thing for them to take a week off? Well, I have it on good authority that fullback John Kuhn went out and crushed ass in the greater Milwaukee area for seven straight days, so good luck trying to tell him that it wasn't a "good thing." As for the break messing with their momentum, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I mean I wouldn't be worried even if they lost, so maybe that's not the best way to phrase it, but what I was getting at is that I think Green Bay will win.
Packers 28-23
Cincinnati @ Kansas City
The Chiefs leaped a major hurdle last week when they managed to get their first lead of the season. Unfortunately for them most races have more than one hurdle (except for races that don't involve hurdles, but I think we can all agree that when I mentioned the presence of a hurdle in that first sentence we were operating on the assumption that this was not one of those races). The Bengals are coming off an impressive victory over the Giants and seem like they might be on the verge of turning their season around. You know what that means: Chiefs in an upset! And we'll all be upset that we missed it because it'll be on the CORNER SCREEN AT THE SHACK!
Chiefs 20-17
Philadelphia @ Washington
I know I said that if the Eagles lost last week that it would all but end their season, well I'm glad I said "all but" because if they lose this game it will certainly end their season (NOTE: I didn't actually say, "all but" I said "most likely"; you readers are so vigilant that I didn't even want to attempt to slip this one by you, keep up the good work gang, you're the real stars). The Redskins also need a win to salvage any semblance of hope, not just for their season but in general, the mood has turned very depressive in the Washington locker room. Well cheer up Redskins, I think you'll get a win against the Eagles with Nick Foles making his first start. Of course, you should also realize that football isn't everything and that true healing comes from within, but those are more long term goals.
Redskins 23-20
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Can anyone or anything stop these red hot Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Yes, fate can. Do I know something you don't? I guess we'll have to wait and see (I've just set up a scenario in which the only way I'll be wrong is if the Bucs win the Super Bowl; any other result and I'll simply slap together an explanation for the preceding, cryptic statement). In all seriousness though, Tampa has been on a roll lately, so why do I get the strange feeling that they'll blow it at Carolina? Maybe it's the fact that they have a home game against the Falcons next week, or maybe it's the fact that I've just snorted opiates. Either way, I'm going to pick another upset here.
Panthers 24-21
Jacksonville @ Houston
The Texans' win on a rain-soaked field in Chicago last week showed the rest of the league that they mean business, and that's really sad. You mean business? It's like, when did this become a job for you Texans? I remember when it was a game. When it was just about tossin' 'round the ol' pigskin with your pals in the backyard, and then someone attempting a punt and having it sail over the fence into the neighbor's yard and everybody being too big of a pussy to simply go ring another person's doorbell and ask for the ball back which effectively ended the game resulting in everyone having way too much free time on their hands leading them to experiment with cigarettes and God knows what assortment of hard drugs further down the line. So all in all maybe it's a good thing that Houston has taken a more professional approach to this season.
Texans 30-10
New York Jets @ St. Louis
A couple years ago, if you had told me that Rex Ryan cried in the locker room as a result of a loss to the Seahawks it would have thrilled me to no end. Now? It thrills me to an end, but that end took a long to time to get to. It's clear that Rex is extremely unhappy with his team's 3-6 start. So unhappy, in fact, that he cried in the locker room after the Jets' loss to the Seahawks, which I've already mentioned before, but it's certainly worth pointing out again. New York will look to start a turn around at St. Louis against a Rams team who tied with the 49ers last week. A tie in an NFL game? Some would consider that a crying shame. Rex Ryan, for example. As lame an ending as that tie was I think it's an encouraging sign for the Rams and will propel them to victory against the Jets. I know I've picked New York to lose plenty of times in the past, but trust me I'm not just crying wolf, nor am I crying like Rex Ryan did after his team's loss to the Seahawks last Sunday.
Rams 20-13
Sunday Afternoon
New Orleans @ Oakland
Expect the scoreboard to light up in this one! Of course, you should expect the scoreboard to light up during all the games this weekend because we live in 2012 and hand-ops are something of an antiquated notion, particularly in football where keeping up with the clock would be a real pain in the neck. But we're getting off track, what I was trying to say is that there figures to be a lot of points when these porous pass defenses and top 5 pass offenses go up against each other. It's possible that the Saints could experience a let down after their big win over Atlanta and before their playoff rematch with San Francisco next week, but the Raiders are just real crummy, especially without Darren McFadden (who would have guessed that he would get hurt?).
Saints 38-24
San Diego @ Denver
The Broncos have still scored 35 unanswered points on the Chargers dating back to their Monday night match-up in Week 6. Allow me to use this game as a platform to complain about one of my biggest announcer pet peeves. The term "unanswered points" is being grossly misused. For instance, let's say the Chargers score the first touchdown, then the Broncos follow with 21 straight points in the 2nd quarter, and San Diego opens the 3rd quarter with a field goal drive. More often than not I hear this scenario described as Denver having scored 21 unanswered points, well what about when San Diego answered!? They aren't unanswered points unless one team doesn't score for the remainder of the game, it's merely 21 straight points. Damn it I'm pissed! Anyway, Broncos will win.
Broncos 31-20
Indianapolis @ New England
This rivalry just got reignited! Expect Jim Nantz to say that within the first half hour of the broadcast. Here are some other things you can expect Nantz to say at some point during the game: "Touchdown!" "It's good." "Aaaand it's incomplete." "Out of bounds." "Fuck you Phil, I've had it with your shit!" Look for Andrew Luck to have a big day against the Pats' weak secondary, but it will most likely not be big enough.
Patriots 34-28
Sunday Night
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
It's Sunday night and it's Byron Leftwich time! This is much later than the normal Byron Leftwich time, which usually occurs at about 12:30 on a Wednesday when the 2nd team gets their reps in practice. Of course, this situation carries slightly more pressure, but if there's one man that can handle this type of pressure it's Joe Montana. That guy was just always cool. Unfortunately, Byron Leftwich is not Joe Montana, which is clear from the spelling of their names, but also their play on the football field; and I'm not even going to get into the whole race subject, because Leftwich is obviously not very fast and Montana in his prime would have clearly won that contest. The bottom line is that the Steelers needed overtime to beat the Chiefs last Monday; The Ravens pose a much tougher test, like that Bio midterm; hey what did you guys get on #3?
Ravens 17-10
Monday Night
Chicago @ San Francisco
Are you ready for some football? Jason Campbell I'm talking you specifically. I hope so for your sake, because it looks like you'll have to play a considerable amount of it as it appears Jay Cutler will not be active for the Bears. And if that does turn out to be the case I can't imagine that the Bears will have much success against the Niners defense. However, if Cutler does play, well I can imagine the Bears having success, but like I said before I've been snorting opiates, so I'm imagining some pretty weird stuff right now.
49ers 16-6
11.14.2012
NFL Picks Week 11 - Thursday
Miami @ Buffalo
Joe Philbin proved to the world that he was a real hard-ass when he benched Reggie Bush for fumbling during the first half last week. But if you ask me, he proved he's a real fart-ass. If he was trying to prove a point he certainly did. That point being, after a 37-3 home loss to the Titans, that the Dolphins desperately need Reggie Bush on the field. The Bills have the worst run defense in the NFL, so Bush figures to have a big night, unless of course he accidentally loses the football at any point, in which case he'll fell the wrath of Ol' Iron Fist Philbin. This game seems like a toss up so I'm going to go with my gut and pick the Dolphins. And no, that does not mean that I just ate illegal, delicious dolphin sushi. It doesn't mean that at all.
Dolphins 27-24
Joe Philbin proved to the world that he was a real hard-ass when he benched Reggie Bush for fumbling during the first half last week. But if you ask me, he proved he's a real fart-ass. If he was trying to prove a point he certainly did. That point being, after a 37-3 home loss to the Titans, that the Dolphins desperately need Reggie Bush on the field. The Bills have the worst run defense in the NFL, so Bush figures to have a big night, unless of course he accidentally loses the football at any point, in which case he'll fell the wrath of Ol' Iron Fist Philbin. This game seems like a toss up so I'm going to go with my gut and pick the Dolphins. And no, that does not mean that I just ate illegal, delicious dolphin sushi. It doesn't mean that at all.
Dolphins 27-24
11.08.2012
NFL Picks - Week 10
Sunday Morning
New York Giants @ Cincinnati
After a tough loss to the Steelers last Sunday the Giants are headed back on the road. And they couldn't be happier! That's because they're 3-1 away from MetLife Stadium, and they outscore the home team by almost 14 points per game. They're also really happy because any number of the players rampantly cheat on their wives, so going out of town is a real blast for them. Meanwhile the Bengals have dropped four in a row, but as we all know, in some cases appearances can be deceiving. This is not one of those cases, but it's still a valid point.
Giants 30-20
Tennessee @ Miami
It's the 'Phins versus the 'Tans in a battle of ... Ok, let's start over, 'Tans is a terrible nickname for Titans. I'm still a little new at this word processing, but from what I understand I just have to type delete and that will get rid of everything I just did. D-E-L-E-T-E.
Hey there sports fans, we've got a humdinger of a ...ugggh D-E-L-E-T-E
Mia-mi oh my, the Dolphins are D-E-L-E-T-E
Tennis-see anyone? "Bring 'em on," say the Dolphins, which in their language sounds more like, "Eeee-e-e-e-e eeeee!" K-E-E-P
Dolphins 27-17
Detroit @ Minnesota
The Lions have clawed their way back into the playoff hunt despite a 1-3 start and after this game they'll play 5 of their last 7 at home, which is advantageous, but it's also Detroit so they're probably not too thrilled. As for the Vikings, their playoff chances appear to be slipping away after 3 losses in their last 4 games and remaining contests against the Bears (twice), Packers (twice), and Texans. This is a tricky game to pick, but you know what? Tricks are for kids. Wait a minute, Trix are for kids, Yikes, now this game's even more confusing. I'll pick the Lions to stay hot even inside a dome with infamously powerful air conditioning.
Lions 27-24
Buffalo @ New England
The last time these two teams met the Patriots put up 45 second half points against the Bills, and you just know that Buffalo is itching for revenge. How do you know that? Seriously, how? Please reveal your source(s) in the comments section below. New England should be well rested after their bye week, but good luck telling Bill Belichick what his team should be, if anything he'll have 'em less rested just to prove a point. Man, what a genius.
Patriots 38-14
Atlanta @ New Orleans
In a town that loves to celebrate a funeral it seems appropriate that this might be the game in which the Saints' season dies. However, New Orleans is also a city that knows a thing or two about voodoo, meaning that even if the Saints do suffer a loss this week they may still rise from the dead later, much like the carcass of Bernie Lomax in the middling 1993 comedy "Weekend at Bernie's 2." I've picked the Falcons to lose their first game two weeks in a row, and they still haven't, so I'll give them a break and pick them to get to 9-0, which all but assures a Saints victory.
Falcons 31-28
San Diego @ Tampa Bay
The Bucs come into this game with the hottest running back in the NFL; Doug Martin has amassed 486 yards from scrimmage over the last two games. On a related note, the Chargers come into this game with the haughtiest quarterback in the league; Philip Rivers is just a real prick (ok, full disclosure, I had to look up haughty to make sure I was using it right, and to be honest it's still a stretch). Tampa's offense has been unstoppable as of late, averaging 36 points per game over their last four. San Diego has the number 4 rushing D in the league but until someone stops Doug Martin I won't bet against the Bucs. Then again, I don't actually bet on any of these games, so that really means nothing.
Buccaneers 28-21
Denver @ Carolina
The Panthers got their second win of the season last week, though when you think about it, isn't having the courage to take the field each week as good as a win? I say no. Not even close, in fact. This week the courageous Peyton Manning comes to Carolina with the Broncos riding a 3 game win streak. A horse riding something else? Yes! In today's National Football League it's possible. That streak will most likely grow to 4 games, which will make it easier for the Broncos to ride even further.
Broncos 24-20
Oakland @ Baltimore
It's tough to figure out what the Ravens are right now as they have been somewhat mediocre since losing Ray Lewis and Ladarius Webb. It's also tough to figure out what ravens are. I mean, it's just kind of a shaggy crow, right? Pretty lame. Teams should be more creative when they're picking nicknames. Don't just go with some lame bird, and if you do at least make it alliterative. Anyway, Baltimore should be able to hold off the wild and crazy Raiders. I call them that because their games always seem out of control, but also because they'll go anywhere and do anything to find football teams having fun.
Ravens 31-23
Sunday Afternoon
New York Jets @ Seattle
We all remember when Mark Sanchez announced his plans to leave USC after his Junior season and Pete Carroll, his head coach at the time, openly stated that he was against the decision. Well, this Sunday Sanchez finally gets the opportunity to personally show Carroll that he was right, another year of college would have served him well. Just look at Russell Wilson, that guy went to two colleges and he's kick-ass. I expect Russ to continue his ascension towards greatness this week while a sullen Tim Tebow sits on the sideline with a small grin. Why the grin? As upset as he is at his lack of playing time, nobody appreciates an ascension more than Teebs.
Seahawks 24-12
Dallas @ Philadelphia
It's become quite clear that these teams are just flat out mediocre, and another loss for either would most likely spell an end to their season. The news only gets worse from there, because it's most likely that either the Cowboys or Eagles will lose this game. The bad news for the rest of the country is that only one of these teams can lose this game, meaning we'll still have to deal with one of them for a few more weeks. I'll pick Dallas to get the win and stay in the playoff hunt with 5 of their next 6 games at home.
Cowboys 21-20
St. Louis @ San Francisco
I do not expect the Rams to score in this game, making it very difficult for them to win.
49ers 23-0
Sunday Night
Houston @ Chicago
It's a marquee match-up of 7-1 teams featuring what may be the two leading candidates for Defensive Player of the Year. The Bears' Charles Tillman has been taking balls away all season while the Texans' J.J. Watt has been knocking balls down, not to mention sacking quarterbacks, all while sort of reminding me of Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; I'm willing to bet that there's a brain in his midsection controlling him. This game may come down to which quarterback can maintain a level head in the face of relentless pressure. So the question becomes, can Jay Cutler keep his cool? Jay, what do you think? ... Me neither.
Texans 17-14
Monday Night
Kansas City @ Pittsburgh
My favorite stat of this NFL season is the oft-mentioned anecdote that the Chiefs have yet to lead a game all season. One aspect that I'm not thrilled with, however, is the fact that I picked them to make the playoffs. Uh oh! What a mistake! They're going to have to start getting leads and fast if they don't want to make me look like an idiot. Unfortunately I'm not sure that that's any concern of theirs at this point, and they have a tough match-up on the road. It looks like one more week without a lead for these sacks of poo.
Steelers 24-6
New York Giants @ Cincinnati
After a tough loss to the Steelers last Sunday the Giants are headed back on the road. And they couldn't be happier! That's because they're 3-1 away from MetLife Stadium, and they outscore the home team by almost 14 points per game. They're also really happy because any number of the players rampantly cheat on their wives, so going out of town is a real blast for them. Meanwhile the Bengals have dropped four in a row, but as we all know, in some cases appearances can be deceiving. This is not one of those cases, but it's still a valid point.
Giants 30-20
Tennessee @ Miami
It's the 'Phins versus the 'Tans in a battle of ... Ok, let's start over, 'Tans is a terrible nickname for Titans. I'm still a little new at this word processing, but from what I understand I just have to type delete and that will get rid of everything I just did. D-E-L-E-T-E.
Hey there sports fans, we've got a humdinger of a ...ugggh D-E-L-E-T-E
Mia-mi oh my, the Dolphins are D-E-L-E-T-E
Tennis-see anyone? "Bring 'em on," say the Dolphins, which in their language sounds more like, "Eeee-e-e-e-e eeeee!" K-E-E-P
Dolphins 27-17
Detroit @ Minnesota
The Lions have clawed their way back into the playoff hunt despite a 1-3 start and after this game they'll play 5 of their last 7 at home, which is advantageous, but it's also Detroit so they're probably not too thrilled. As for the Vikings, their playoff chances appear to be slipping away after 3 losses in their last 4 games and remaining contests against the Bears (twice), Packers (twice), and Texans. This is a tricky game to pick, but you know what? Tricks are for kids. Wait a minute, Trix are for kids, Yikes, now this game's even more confusing. I'll pick the Lions to stay hot even inside a dome with infamously powerful air conditioning.
Lions 27-24
Buffalo @ New England
The last time these two teams met the Patriots put up 45 second half points against the Bills, and you just know that Buffalo is itching for revenge. How do you know that? Seriously, how? Please reveal your source(s) in the comments section below. New England should be well rested after their bye week, but good luck telling Bill Belichick what his team should be, if anything he'll have 'em less rested just to prove a point. Man, what a genius.
Patriots 38-14
Atlanta @ New Orleans
In a town that loves to celebrate a funeral it seems appropriate that this might be the game in which the Saints' season dies. However, New Orleans is also a city that knows a thing or two about voodoo, meaning that even if the Saints do suffer a loss this week they may still rise from the dead later, much like the carcass of Bernie Lomax in the middling 1993 comedy "Weekend at Bernie's 2." I've picked the Falcons to lose their first game two weeks in a row, and they still haven't, so I'll give them a break and pick them to get to 9-0, which all but assures a Saints victory.
Falcons 31-28
San Diego @ Tampa Bay
The Bucs come into this game with the hottest running back in the NFL; Doug Martin has amassed 486 yards from scrimmage over the last two games. On a related note, the Chargers come into this game with the haughtiest quarterback in the league; Philip Rivers is just a real prick (ok, full disclosure, I had to look up haughty to make sure I was using it right, and to be honest it's still a stretch). Tampa's offense has been unstoppable as of late, averaging 36 points per game over their last four. San Diego has the number 4 rushing D in the league but until someone stops Doug Martin I won't bet against the Bucs. Then again, I don't actually bet on any of these games, so that really means nothing.
Buccaneers 28-21
Denver @ Carolina
The Panthers got their second win of the season last week, though when you think about it, isn't having the courage to take the field each week as good as a win? I say no. Not even close, in fact. This week the courageous Peyton Manning comes to Carolina with the Broncos riding a 3 game win streak. A horse riding something else? Yes! In today's National Football League it's possible. That streak will most likely grow to 4 games, which will make it easier for the Broncos to ride even further.
Broncos 24-20
Oakland @ Baltimore
It's tough to figure out what the Ravens are right now as they have been somewhat mediocre since losing Ray Lewis and Ladarius Webb. It's also tough to figure out what ravens are. I mean, it's just kind of a shaggy crow, right? Pretty lame. Teams should be more creative when they're picking nicknames. Don't just go with some lame bird, and if you do at least make it alliterative. Anyway, Baltimore should be able to hold off the wild and crazy Raiders. I call them that because their games always seem out of control, but also because they'll go anywhere and do anything to find football teams having fun.
Ravens 31-23
Sunday Afternoon
New York Jets @ Seattle
We all remember when Mark Sanchez announced his plans to leave USC after his Junior season and Pete Carroll, his head coach at the time, openly stated that he was against the decision. Well, this Sunday Sanchez finally gets the opportunity to personally show Carroll that he was right, another year of college would have served him well. Just look at Russell Wilson, that guy went to two colleges and he's kick-ass. I expect Russ to continue his ascension towards greatness this week while a sullen Tim Tebow sits on the sideline with a small grin. Why the grin? As upset as he is at his lack of playing time, nobody appreciates an ascension more than Teebs.
Seahawks 24-12
Dallas @ Philadelphia
It's become quite clear that these teams are just flat out mediocre, and another loss for either would most likely spell an end to their season. The news only gets worse from there, because it's most likely that either the Cowboys or Eagles will lose this game. The bad news for the rest of the country is that only one of these teams can lose this game, meaning we'll still have to deal with one of them for a few more weeks. I'll pick Dallas to get the win and stay in the playoff hunt with 5 of their next 6 games at home.
Cowboys 21-20
St. Louis @ San Francisco
I do not expect the Rams to score in this game, making it very difficult for them to win.
49ers 23-0
Sunday Night
Houston @ Chicago
It's a marquee match-up of 7-1 teams featuring what may be the two leading candidates for Defensive Player of the Year. The Bears' Charles Tillman has been taking balls away all season while the Texans' J.J. Watt has been knocking balls down, not to mention sacking quarterbacks, all while sort of reminding me of Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; I'm willing to bet that there's a brain in his midsection controlling him. This game may come down to which quarterback can maintain a level head in the face of relentless pressure. So the question becomes, can Jay Cutler keep his cool? Jay, what do you think? ... Me neither.
Texans 17-14
Monday Night
Kansas City @ Pittsburgh
My favorite stat of this NFL season is the oft-mentioned anecdote that the Chiefs have yet to lead a game all season. One aspect that I'm not thrilled with, however, is the fact that I picked them to make the playoffs. Uh oh! What a mistake! They're going to have to start getting leads and fast if they don't want to make me look like an idiot. Unfortunately I'm not sure that that's any concern of theirs at this point, and they have a tough match-up on the road. It looks like one more week without a lead for these sacks of poo.
Steelers 24-6
NFL Picks Week 10 - Thursday
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
Andrew Luck has arrived! In Jacksonville! Because that's where this game is being played! He's also "arrived" on a much more grandiose scale with his tremendous play of late, leading the Colts to four wins in their last five games. Blaine Gabbert would love to arrive in much the same way, unfortunately he's yet to be invited. The good news for Gabby and the Jags is that their one win this season came against this very same Indianapolis Colts team that they are playing on Thursday. But this is not the same Indianapolis Colts team that they will be playing on Thursday. This team has matured, in fact, Indy's grown up so much that it's about time you stopped calling them Junior.
Colts 24-16
Andrew Luck has arrived! In Jacksonville! Because that's where this game is being played! He's also "arrived" on a much more grandiose scale with his tremendous play of late, leading the Colts to four wins in their last five games. Blaine Gabbert would love to arrive in much the same way, unfortunately he's yet to be invited. The good news for Gabby and the Jags is that their one win this season came against this very same Indianapolis Colts team that they are playing on Thursday. But this is not the same Indianapolis Colts team that they will be playing on Thursday. This team has matured, in fact, Indy's grown up so much that it's about time you stopped calling them Junior.
Colts 24-16
11.01.2012
NFL Picks - Week 9
Sunday Morning
Denver @ Cincinnati
The Broncos finally put together a complete game last week in their win over the Saints. But with the ever increasing importance of specialists in the bullpen, pitching a complete game just isn't as necessary as it once was. Hmm, wait, that's baseball. Well anyhow, Denver looks solid even if they do get behind early; with their big bats and ability to run the bases no lead is safe. Damn it. Sorry, won't happen again.
Broncos 28-20
Baltimore @ Cleveland
The Ravens defense has taken a large hit via injuries and it showed during their game against the Texans two weeks ago when they gave up 43 points. Baltimore had a week off to think about they did while Cleveland had a week on, beating San Diego in a 7-6 battle of wills that could be described as a matter of life or death. It can be described that way because whoever actually lived through watching that game wanted to die. The offenses figure to struggle in this game as well, but ultimately the Ravens will come out on top. The Browns may be on top at some point, but it will merely be penultimately at best.
Ravens 16-12
Arizona @ Green Bay
Much has changed since these teams last met in a thrilling playoff duel between Aaron Rodgers and Kurt Warner. Rodgers has become arguably the best player in the NFL while the Cardinals have employed the following people as starting quarterbacks: Derek "That's Fine" Anderson, Max "Blow the Whistle!" Hall, and John "Exo" Skelton. Guess which team won a Super Bowl since that playoff game ... If you actually had to guess it means you weren't aware that Green Bay won the Super Bowl two years ago, which also means you're not much of a football fan, which in kind means that you don't even read these posts for the football analysis, which can only mean that you come here for the irreverent and refreshing writing style. Thank you, that's a flattering compliment.
Packers 27-10
Chicago @ Tennessee
The Bears were unimpressive in their one point victory over Carolina last week. It was a surprisingly close game that only a true NFL expert could have expected ("I expect this one to be surprisingly close, but ultimately the Bears will move to 6-1" - NFL Picks - Week 8). I'd be willing to bet that Matthew Hasselbeck was watching closely and that he probably liked what he saw. I mean, Hasselbeck's a major football fan, so naturally he enjoyed watching a good game, but he also liked what he saw because he now knows exactly how to attack the Chicago D. And how is that, you might be asking? Oh right, I'm just going to say it right here and warn the Bears? Get real scumbag.
Titans 20-17
Miami @ Indianapolis
Were you aware that if the season ended today these two teams would be the AFC wild cards? Were you also aware that if the season ended today it would be the shortest regular season in NFL history? While that last rhetorical question made for an hilarious follow-up comment, it also illustrates the fact that while these teams have surprised many, the season is still young. However, when you look at the rest of the wild card contenders in the AFC it's difficult to find strong candidates, which means that the Dolphins or the Colts could very well make the playoffs. In kind, this game could prove very important down the road. The Miami defense has been able to keep opponents' scoring low which should come in handy against Indianapolis, or any other team for that matter.
Dolphins 17-16
Carolina @ Washington
Most people will draw a comparison between these two young starting quarterbacks. Well, in the words of Warren Moon, "That's racist!" These QBs couldn't be more different. For instance, Robert Griffin has been an active participant in the 2012 NFL season, whereas Cam Newton has not. I won't bore you with the full list of dissimilarities between the two but trust me it goes deep, all the way to the White House.
Redskins 24-20
Detroit @ Jacksonville
Is it a coincidence that the Jaguars traded WR Mike Thomas to the Lions the same week that they're playing them? I don't think so, and I think Detroit should be asking the same question. This is most likely a brilliant move by the Jacksonville Jaguars organization to infiltrate the iron curtain that normally shrouds the Lions' organization. What kind of secrets will Mike Thomas unearth as he delves deep into the inner workings of the mysterious cabal known as the Detroit Lions? We might not find out Sunday because this is more of a long con, but believe me the Jags will be reaping the benefits come Super Bowl Sunday.
Lions 27-16
Buffalo @ Houston
The Texans have become the team to beat in the AFC, while the Bills have become a team that you can beat in the AFC. When you combine the two it doesn't look promising for Buffalo as they travel to Houston. Is there a chance that the Bills could pull an upset? I wouldn't rule it out entirely, but that's just something I'm working on in my life, learning to be more open-minded. It's been very freeing for the most part, but now it takes me about an hour and a half to make each one of these picks.
Texans 28-14
Sunday Afternoon
Minnesota @ Seattle
The Seahawks return home to Seattle, which not only means they have a better chance of winning, but also that Fox cameras are picking up hours of B roll at Pike Place Market as we speak. Have you guys heard about this? They throw fish at this place! It's like one guy just tosses this big ol' fish to another guy and he catches it! Look, I can't blame you if you find it hard to believe, but after witnessing the broadcasts of hundreds of games played in Seattle and seeing the fish throwing during every single one of them I can vouch for it. If Russell Wilson displays even half the arm strength of the Pike Place Market fish mongers the Hawks have a good chance at winning.
Seahawks 23-13
Tampa Bay @ Oakland
The Raiders have won back to back games! And they did it against the Jaguars and the Chiefs ... Well hey, it's better than losing to those teams, right? Meanwhile, the Bucs are coming off a win over the Vikings that can actually be considered impressive. Both teams come in to this game at 3-4, which is important to point out because I have nothing better to say about this game.
Buccaneers 30-22
Pittsburgh @ New York Giants
Due to Hurricane Sandy rendering their booked hotel powerless the Steelers will have to fly to New York on game day. A fairly short flight before a game might not be a big deal for most teams but it's a good bet that Ben Roethlisberger will consume no less than 3 Red Bull vodkas before they land. While that will make him loose and energized at the start of the game he'll crash pretty hard come the 2nd half. By the final two minutes, when Pittsburgh needs a winning drive Roethlisberger's throbbing head will end up getting the better of him (which won't be the first time).
Giants 27-23
Sunday Night
Dallas @ Atlanta
The Cowboys nearly pulled off an unbelievable comeback last week against the Giants only to have Dez Bryant's fingers land out of bounds on what would have been the game winning catch. Bryant made a great effort and even got a little banged up upon landing which is causing many to overlook a crucial aspect of that play, if that wimp wouldn't have felt the need to brace himself with his hand his team would have won the game. The Falcons come into this contest at 7-0 even though I fearlessly predicted that they'd lose their first game last week. And guess what, I'm going to do it again. The possibility of falling to 3-5 is going to make Dallas the more desperate team, and if there's one thing I know, it's desperation.
Cowboys 28-25
Monday Night
Philadelphia @ New Orleans
Speaking of desperation, this game reeks of it. What does desperation smell like? Like butts. A Saints' loss would pretty much end their season while a poor performance from Michael Vick may force Andy Reid to make a change at quarterback. So clearly there's a lot riding on this game. However, there's not a lot of writing on this game ... because that's all I've got. Haha, I slay me!
Saints 23-20
Denver @ Cincinnati
The Broncos finally put together a complete game last week in their win over the Saints. But with the ever increasing importance of specialists in the bullpen, pitching a complete game just isn't as necessary as it once was. Hmm, wait, that's baseball. Well anyhow, Denver looks solid even if they do get behind early; with their big bats and ability to run the bases no lead is safe. Damn it. Sorry, won't happen again.
Broncos 28-20
Baltimore @ Cleveland
The Ravens defense has taken a large hit via injuries and it showed during their game against the Texans two weeks ago when they gave up 43 points. Baltimore had a week off to think about they did while Cleveland had a week on, beating San Diego in a 7-6 battle of wills that could be described as a matter of life or death. It can be described that way because whoever actually lived through watching that game wanted to die. The offenses figure to struggle in this game as well, but ultimately the Ravens will come out on top. The Browns may be on top at some point, but it will merely be penultimately at best.
Ravens 16-12
Arizona @ Green Bay
Much has changed since these teams last met in a thrilling playoff duel between Aaron Rodgers and Kurt Warner. Rodgers has become arguably the best player in the NFL while the Cardinals have employed the following people as starting quarterbacks: Derek "That's Fine" Anderson, Max "Blow the Whistle!" Hall, and John "Exo" Skelton. Guess which team won a Super Bowl since that playoff game ... If you actually had to guess it means you weren't aware that Green Bay won the Super Bowl two years ago, which also means you're not much of a football fan, which in kind means that you don't even read these posts for the football analysis, which can only mean that you come here for the irreverent and refreshing writing style. Thank you, that's a flattering compliment.
Packers 27-10
Chicago @ Tennessee
The Bears were unimpressive in their one point victory over Carolina last week. It was a surprisingly close game that only a true NFL expert could have expected ("I expect this one to be surprisingly close, but ultimately the Bears will move to 6-1" - NFL Picks - Week 8). I'd be willing to bet that Matthew Hasselbeck was watching closely and that he probably liked what he saw. I mean, Hasselbeck's a major football fan, so naturally he enjoyed watching a good game, but he also liked what he saw because he now knows exactly how to attack the Chicago D. And how is that, you might be asking? Oh right, I'm just going to say it right here and warn the Bears? Get real scumbag.
Titans 20-17
Miami @ Indianapolis
Were you aware that if the season ended today these two teams would be the AFC wild cards? Were you also aware that if the season ended today it would be the shortest regular season in NFL history? While that last rhetorical question made for an hilarious follow-up comment, it also illustrates the fact that while these teams have surprised many, the season is still young. However, when you look at the rest of the wild card contenders in the AFC it's difficult to find strong candidates, which means that the Dolphins or the Colts could very well make the playoffs. In kind, this game could prove very important down the road. The Miami defense has been able to keep opponents' scoring low which should come in handy against Indianapolis, or any other team for that matter.
Dolphins 17-16
Carolina @ Washington
Most people will draw a comparison between these two young starting quarterbacks. Well, in the words of Warren Moon, "That's racist!" These QBs couldn't be more different. For instance, Robert Griffin has been an active participant in the 2012 NFL season, whereas Cam Newton has not. I won't bore you with the full list of dissimilarities between the two but trust me it goes deep, all the way to the White House.
Redskins 24-20
Detroit @ Jacksonville
Is it a coincidence that the Jaguars traded WR Mike Thomas to the Lions the same week that they're playing them? I don't think so, and I think Detroit should be asking the same question. This is most likely a brilliant move by the Jacksonville Jaguars organization to infiltrate the iron curtain that normally shrouds the Lions' organization. What kind of secrets will Mike Thomas unearth as he delves deep into the inner workings of the mysterious cabal known as the Detroit Lions? We might not find out Sunday because this is more of a long con, but believe me the Jags will be reaping the benefits come Super Bowl Sunday.
Lions 27-16
Buffalo @ Houston
The Texans have become the team to beat in the AFC, while the Bills have become a team that you can beat in the AFC. When you combine the two it doesn't look promising for Buffalo as they travel to Houston. Is there a chance that the Bills could pull an upset? I wouldn't rule it out entirely, but that's just something I'm working on in my life, learning to be more open-minded. It's been very freeing for the most part, but now it takes me about an hour and a half to make each one of these picks.
Texans 28-14
Sunday Afternoon
Minnesota @ Seattle
The Seahawks return home to Seattle, which not only means they have a better chance of winning, but also that Fox cameras are picking up hours of B roll at Pike Place Market as we speak. Have you guys heard about this? They throw fish at this place! It's like one guy just tosses this big ol' fish to another guy and he catches it! Look, I can't blame you if you find it hard to believe, but after witnessing the broadcasts of hundreds of games played in Seattle and seeing the fish throwing during every single one of them I can vouch for it. If Russell Wilson displays even half the arm strength of the Pike Place Market fish mongers the Hawks have a good chance at winning.
Seahawks 23-13
Tampa Bay @ Oakland
The Raiders have won back to back games! And they did it against the Jaguars and the Chiefs ... Well hey, it's better than losing to those teams, right? Meanwhile, the Bucs are coming off a win over the Vikings that can actually be considered impressive. Both teams come in to this game at 3-4, which is important to point out because I have nothing better to say about this game.
Buccaneers 30-22
Pittsburgh @ New York Giants
Due to Hurricane Sandy rendering their booked hotel powerless the Steelers will have to fly to New York on game day. A fairly short flight before a game might not be a big deal for most teams but it's a good bet that Ben Roethlisberger will consume no less than 3 Red Bull vodkas before they land. While that will make him loose and energized at the start of the game he'll crash pretty hard come the 2nd half. By the final two minutes, when Pittsburgh needs a winning drive Roethlisberger's throbbing head will end up getting the better of him (which won't be the first time).
Giants 27-23
Sunday Night
Dallas @ Atlanta
The Cowboys nearly pulled off an unbelievable comeback last week against the Giants only to have Dez Bryant's fingers land out of bounds on what would have been the game winning catch. Bryant made a great effort and even got a little banged up upon landing which is causing many to overlook a crucial aspect of that play, if that wimp wouldn't have felt the need to brace himself with his hand his team would have won the game. The Falcons come into this contest at 7-0 even though I fearlessly predicted that they'd lose their first game last week. And guess what, I'm going to do it again. The possibility of falling to 3-5 is going to make Dallas the more desperate team, and if there's one thing I know, it's desperation.
Cowboys 28-25
Monday Night
Philadelphia @ New Orleans
Speaking of desperation, this game reeks of it. What does desperation smell like? Like butts. A Saints' loss would pretty much end their season while a poor performance from Michael Vick may force Andy Reid to make a change at quarterback. So clearly there's a lot riding on this game. However, there's not a lot of writing on this game ... because that's all I've got. Haha, I slay me!
Saints 23-20
10.31.2012
NFL Picks Week 9 - Thursday
Kansas City @ San Diego
I've been skeptical as to the need for so many Thursday night games this season, but when a match-up like this arises the only word that comes to mind is validation. Personally, I'm not even sure if I'll watch any games on Sunday seeing as how they can't possibly match what this contest will offer in terms of high quality of play and sheer drama. So much drama, in fact, that this game should be aired on TNT, because let's face it, they know drama. But enough extolling, I mean, you don't need me to convince you to watch, you and every other American already will; now it's time for me to make a prediction. The Chiefs are unsure if they'll have Brady Quinn available to start at QB and I'm unsure if that's to their detriment.
Chargers 24-10
I've been skeptical as to the need for so many Thursday night games this season, but when a match-up like this arises the only word that comes to mind is validation. Personally, I'm not even sure if I'll watch any games on Sunday seeing as how they can't possibly match what this contest will offer in terms of high quality of play and sheer drama. So much drama, in fact, that this game should be aired on TNT, because let's face it, they know drama. But enough extolling, I mean, you don't need me to convince you to watch, you and every other American already will; now it's time for me to make a prediction. The Chiefs are unsure if they'll have Brady Quinn available to start at QB and I'm unsure if that's to their detriment.
Chargers 24-10
10.25.2012
NFL Picks - Week 8
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ Detroit
The Hawks will come into this game with an extra 4 days of rest on the Lions. That might seem unfair until you consider the fact that Seattle has scored less than 13 points per game on the road this year, and the franchise has only scored 19 points in two games at Ford Field. In other words, they've performed worse than a Ford (Burn! Actually I don't know anything about cars, Fords are lame right?). But if there were ever a time for the Hawks to break out of their offensive funk it's right now. Why? Because I'm tired of watching it.
Seahawks 24-16
Carolina @ Chicago
These two teams are heading in opposite directions, which is a good thing for this game, because if they were heading in the same direction the kickoffs would be very confusing (that's the second directional joke in two weeks, clearly I'm already losing steam here). One thing these squads do have in common is the poor body language of their quarterbacks, meaning there will most likely be more frowny faces in this game than a gChat with this girl. I expect this one to be surprisingly close, but ultimately the Bears will move to 6-1.
Bears 20-17
San Diego @ Cleveland
The Chargers have had a full two weeks to think about how they blew a 24-0 halftime lead to the Broncos on Monday Night Football. They've also had two full weeks to think about their families, because the Chargers are more than just football players, they're human beings, and shame on you for insinuating otherwise. Meanwhile there's only one thing on the Browns' mind: football. Which makes it all the more disappointing that they've only managed one win so far. However, they haven't been downright terrible as of late, and I think it's high time that they spring the trap the Chargers, who are clearly looking forward to their game against Kansas City next week.
Browns 30-27
New England @ St. Louis
The Patriots have clearly had trouble closing out games lately, being outscored 34-6 in their last three 4th quarters. But could they really drop a game to the Rams? I say yes! These are not the lowly Rams we're used to, and they've played pretty well in St. Louis so far .... What's that? London? Oh, well they're fucked.
Patriots 27-17
Miami @ New York Jets
After a copious amount of research into this game that involved going to the Dolphins clubhouse page on ESPN.com I unearthed some fairly enlightening stats. For instance, Miami is 3-3 with two of their losses coming in overtime after they blew 4th quarter leads. They're also fourth against the run, which was news to me. And while they happen to be 28th against the pass it probably won't matter much considering they're playing the Jets this week, who still refuse to start Tim Tebow, the greatest offensive weapon since Tommy Vardell.
Dolphins 21-16
Atlanta @ Philadelphia
The Eagles have had five of their six games decided by three points or less, meaning that they've been in pretty much every game so far, even their losses. The Falcons have also been in all of their games this year, winning all of them. So this one figures to be close. How close? This close. Get it? Little over your head huh? But I know you come to this site for definitive picks and mild nonsense, so I'll say that Philly hands Atlanta their first loss, but not without trying to blow it a few times first.
Eagles 20-19
Washington @ Pittsburgh
The Steelers are wearing throwback uniforms for this game that look like this. A couple of things jump out from that picture. First, the design is so outrageous that it borders on hubris. Second, was that picture taken in a bathroom? RG3 nearly engineered an impressive road victory against the Giants last week and unless he's afraid of bees I think he has a good shot at getting the win in Pittsburgh.
Redskins 24-21
Jacksonville @ Green Bay
You're probably assuming that a game against the ever popular Packers would be one of the only things that could save the Jaguars from the Corner Screen at the Shack. Well, you're right, they won't on the CSATS, but that's only because there are 9 early games and only 8 screens available, which means it won't be on any screen at all! Ouch! Sorry Jags fans, I'd feel bad for you if you existed. With Maurice Jones-Drew inactive for this game Jacksonville doesn't stand a chance. They wouldn't stand a chance with him healthy, but at least this way they'll have a decent excuse.
Packers 38-13
Indianapolis @ Tennessee
After I wondered aloud a few weeks back if the Titans were the worst team in the league they've won two in a row. While their defense has shown little improvement they've naturally made great strides on offense behind the intrepid leadership of Matthew Hasselbeck. With the Colts coming to town I wouldn't be surprised if Tennessee wins their third in a row and gets to .500. Then again, in today's NFL nothing surprises me; except for play-action fakes, those catch me off guard every time.
Titans 27-23
Sunday Afternoon
Oakland @ Kansas City
Once again we're left with only two afternoon games and one of them involves the Raiders. Most cowards out there would just sit back and let atrocities like this keep happening, but not me, I'm taking action. How so? This so: fire Howard Katz! Katz is the man that, with the aide of a "super" computer, created the 2012 NFL schedule. Full disclosure: I don't know if he chose the actual time that games would be played, but there just wasn't enough time for me to look into that, these barren afternoons have sent me into a reckless rage. Explain yourself Mr. Katz! And while you're at it, show us your tax return.
Chiefs 23-16
New York Giants @ Dallas
Stop the presses! It's a Giants/Cowboys game and it's not being played in prime time. This is the first time in their last four meetings that that's been true. Ok, go ahead and start the presses again (Is one of you in charge of the presses?). The fact that this game is being played in Dallas makes me more confident that New York will win. And now that I've abandoned the Costanza Theorem and embraced the Giants as just being flat out good I'll quote many an opposing DB when facing Tony Romo and say that I'll have no problem making this pick.
Giants 31-26
Sunday Night
New Orleans @ Denver
Do you like points? Obviously you do, because you're reading this post, which is full of tremendous points. But if you like football games with lots of points this should be the game for you. The Saints have been unable to stop anyone this season, giving up an average of 465 yards of offense per game. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning has been on a tear of late and figures to put up big numbers. Mean-meanwhile, Drew Brees has been no slouch himself. Denver will inevitably dig themselves a hole and then come stampeding out of it to make this game into a wild 4th quarter shootout. Who will win? The fans! And the Broncos.
Broncos 38-35
Monday Night
San Francisco @ Arizona
It seems like a long time has passed since the Cardinals started the season 4-0, but in fact it was just three weeks ago. Now, if you're only a six week old child, that would account for half your life, so it would be a relatively long time. However, that would raise other questions, the most pertinent of which being how did you learn to read at such a young age? Baby geniuses aside, Arizona is certainly a far cry from their hot start and things don't look to get any easier for them this Monday. In fact, I expect their losing streak to reach 6 before they get another win. Mark it down wherever you mark things.
49ers 20-12
Seattle @ Detroit
The Hawks will come into this game with an extra 4 days of rest on the Lions. That might seem unfair until you consider the fact that Seattle has scored less than 13 points per game on the road this year, and the franchise has only scored 19 points in two games at Ford Field. In other words, they've performed worse than a Ford (Burn! Actually I don't know anything about cars, Fords are lame right?). But if there were ever a time for the Hawks to break out of their offensive funk it's right now. Why? Because I'm tired of watching it.
Seahawks 24-16
Carolina @ Chicago
These two teams are heading in opposite directions, which is a good thing for this game, because if they were heading in the same direction the kickoffs would be very confusing (that's the second directional joke in two weeks, clearly I'm already losing steam here). One thing these squads do have in common is the poor body language of their quarterbacks, meaning there will most likely be more frowny faces in this game than a gChat with this girl. I expect this one to be surprisingly close, but ultimately the Bears will move to 6-1.
Bears 20-17
San Diego @ Cleveland
The Chargers have had a full two weeks to think about how they blew a 24-0 halftime lead to the Broncos on Monday Night Football. They've also had two full weeks to think about their families, because the Chargers are more than just football players, they're human beings, and shame on you for insinuating otherwise. Meanwhile there's only one thing on the Browns' mind: football. Which makes it all the more disappointing that they've only managed one win so far. However, they haven't been downright terrible as of late, and I think it's high time that they spring the trap the Chargers, who are clearly looking forward to their game against Kansas City next week.
Browns 30-27
New England @ St. Louis
The Patriots have clearly had trouble closing out games lately, being outscored 34-6 in their last three 4th quarters. But could they really drop a game to the Rams? I say yes! These are not the lowly Rams we're used to, and they've played pretty well in St. Louis so far .... What's that? London? Oh, well they're fucked.
Patriots 27-17
Miami @ New York Jets
After a copious amount of research into this game that involved going to the Dolphins clubhouse page on ESPN.com I unearthed some fairly enlightening stats. For instance, Miami is 3-3 with two of their losses coming in overtime after they blew 4th quarter leads. They're also fourth against the run, which was news to me. And while they happen to be 28th against the pass it probably won't matter much considering they're playing the Jets this week, who still refuse to start Tim Tebow, the greatest offensive weapon since Tommy Vardell.
Dolphins 21-16
Atlanta @ Philadelphia
The Eagles have had five of their six games decided by three points or less, meaning that they've been in pretty much every game so far, even their losses. The Falcons have also been in all of their games this year, winning all of them. So this one figures to be close. How close? This close. Get it? Little over your head huh? But I know you come to this site for definitive picks and mild nonsense, so I'll say that Philly hands Atlanta their first loss, but not without trying to blow it a few times first.
Eagles 20-19
Washington @ Pittsburgh
The Steelers are wearing throwback uniforms for this game that look like this. A couple of things jump out from that picture. First, the design is so outrageous that it borders on hubris. Second, was that picture taken in a bathroom? RG3 nearly engineered an impressive road victory against the Giants last week and unless he's afraid of bees I think he has a good shot at getting the win in Pittsburgh.
Redskins 24-21
Jacksonville @ Green Bay
You're probably assuming that a game against the ever popular Packers would be one of the only things that could save the Jaguars from the Corner Screen at the Shack. Well, you're right, they won't on the CSATS, but that's only because there are 9 early games and only 8 screens available, which means it won't be on any screen at all! Ouch! Sorry Jags fans, I'd feel bad for you if you existed. With Maurice Jones-Drew inactive for this game Jacksonville doesn't stand a chance. They wouldn't stand a chance with him healthy, but at least this way they'll have a decent excuse.
Packers 38-13
Indianapolis @ Tennessee
After I wondered aloud a few weeks back if the Titans were the worst team in the league they've won two in a row. While their defense has shown little improvement they've naturally made great strides on offense behind the intrepid leadership of Matthew Hasselbeck. With the Colts coming to town I wouldn't be surprised if Tennessee wins their third in a row and gets to .500. Then again, in today's NFL nothing surprises me; except for play-action fakes, those catch me off guard every time.
Titans 27-23
Sunday Afternoon
Oakland @ Kansas City
Once again we're left with only two afternoon games and one of them involves the Raiders. Most cowards out there would just sit back and let atrocities like this keep happening, but not me, I'm taking action. How so? This so: fire Howard Katz! Katz is the man that, with the aide of a "super" computer, created the 2012 NFL schedule. Full disclosure: I don't know if he chose the actual time that games would be played, but there just wasn't enough time for me to look into that, these barren afternoons have sent me into a reckless rage. Explain yourself Mr. Katz! And while you're at it, show us your tax return.
Chiefs 23-16
New York Giants @ Dallas
Stop the presses! It's a Giants/Cowboys game and it's not being played in prime time. This is the first time in their last four meetings that that's been true. Ok, go ahead and start the presses again (Is one of you in charge of the presses?). The fact that this game is being played in Dallas makes me more confident that New York will win. And now that I've abandoned the Costanza Theorem and embraced the Giants as just being flat out good I'll quote many an opposing DB when facing Tony Romo and say that I'll have no problem making this pick.
Giants 31-26
Sunday Night
New Orleans @ Denver
Do you like points? Obviously you do, because you're reading this post, which is full of tremendous points. But if you like football games with lots of points this should be the game for you. The Saints have been unable to stop anyone this season, giving up an average of 465 yards of offense per game. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning has been on a tear of late and figures to put up big numbers. Mean-meanwhile, Drew Brees has been no slouch himself. Denver will inevitably dig themselves a hole and then come stampeding out of it to make this game into a wild 4th quarter shootout. Who will win? The fans! And the Broncos.
Broncos 38-35
Monday Night
San Francisco @ Arizona
It seems like a long time has passed since the Cardinals started the season 4-0, but in fact it was just three weeks ago. Now, if you're only a six week old child, that would account for half your life, so it would be a relatively long time. However, that would raise other questions, the most pertinent of which being how did you learn to read at such a young age? Baby geniuses aside, Arizona is certainly a far cry from their hot start and things don't look to get any easier for them this Monday. In fact, I expect their losing streak to reach 6 before they get another win. Mark it down wherever you mark things.
49ers 20-12
10.24.2012
NFL Picks Week 8 - Thursday
Tampa Bay @ Minnesota
This season the Vikings have been hotter than a Viking D3 30" gas self-clean range. However, their schedule thus far has been rather easy. Starting next week the heat starts to get cranked up, and if the Vikings can't stand it they should probably get out of the kitchen. Sidenote: if you need to get a Viking out of your kitchen the department store delivering your new range will most likely remove it for a nominal fee. This week, though, the Bucs come to town which should mean that Minnesota will end the first half of their season at 6-2 and four games over .500, a mark they will not top for the rest of season.
Vikings 23-13
This season the Vikings have been hotter than a Viking D3 30" gas self-clean range. However, their schedule thus far has been rather easy. Starting next week the heat starts to get cranked up, and if the Vikings can't stand it they should probably get out of the kitchen. Sidenote: if you need to get a Viking out of your kitchen the department store delivering your new range will most likely remove it for a nominal fee. This week, though, the Bucs come to town which should mean that Minnesota will end the first half of their season at 6-2 and four games over .500, a mark they will not top for the rest of season.
Vikings 23-13
10.18.2012
NFL Picks - Week 7
Sunday Morning
Tennessee @ Buffalo
Here are a couple of teams coming off of surprise victories in Week 6 looking to keep going in the right direction. Not literally the "right" direction of course, if they did that they'd run out of bounds. While that might help with clock management, it's simply too early in the game to employ such a strategy, seeing as how it hasn't even started yet. While I have all the confidence in the world in Matthew Hasselbeck, I attribute their win over Pittsburgh in large part to the fact that it was a home game being played on a Thursday. Plus their defense is still garbanzo beans (I'm saying that instead of garbage now; please let me know how much you hate it in the comments section below).
Bills 30-22
Washington @ New York Giants
The Giants unexpectedly beat the 49ers in San Francisco last week. However, it was only unexpected if you haven't learned to expect the unexpected without exception when it comes to New York. Clearly this has been my M.O. for the last few weeks, but if the Giants win in convincing fashion again it might be time to just consider them good and not unpredictable. While the Redskins did beat the Giants twice last year it would still be a surprise if they got a W here. And for that very reason I have to go with Washington.
Redskins 28-25
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
With their win last week the Bucs have taken a stranglehold over 2nd place in the NFC South at 2-3. But not so fast, nipping at their heels are the 1-4 Saints coming off their bye week, and you do NOT want to face an Aaron Kromer coached team when he has an extra seven days to prepare. Though there's no track record to back that statement up I think Krome Dawg is going to have New Orleans ready to play, and when I say "New Orleans" I'm only referring to their offense, because their D is non-existent.
Saints 27-20
Dallas @ Carolina
Last week the Cowboys found yet another way to lose a game. It's always interesting with these guys, you have to hand it to Jason Garrett and co.; unless you're the other team, because in that case Jason Garrett and co. have to hand it to you (and by 'it' I mean the game). However, the Panthers have been just as bad, if not worse, with the game on the line in their last two contests. Which makes me wonder if the 4th quarter will look a lot like this. So who will blow it worse? I'll go with the home team, it'll be more painful that way.
Cowboys 30-28
Baltimore @ Houston
There are only two teams in the AFC that are above .500 and they're playing each other in this game. Both teams come into this playoff rematch at 5-1 looking to take an inside track in the race for the conference's top seed. The Ravens are coming off demoralizing losses to their defense while Houston is coming off of the demoralizing realization that their defense may be lost. So as you can see the match-up between these two teams is like looking into a mirror, a very large mirror that 53 people can look into at the same time. To my knowledge this mirror does not actually exist, so it shouldn't be a factor come Sunday. I'll give the edge to the Texans at home.
Texans 24-20
Cleveland @ Indianapolis
When I say "Corner" you say "Screen!" Corner _______ Corner _______ When I say "At the" you say "Shack!" At the ______ At the ______ While this game features a plethora of young talent the chances are high that things could get sloppy. In fact, when I was researching this game I went to youngsloppytalent. com and found a lot of interesting material, none of which I could use to help me in my analysis of this game but interesting nonetheless. Ok where was I? (full disclosure: I just took a 2 hour break from writing this post for a return visit to youngsloppytalent .com) I say the Colts get back on track after a disappointing effort against the Jets while the Browns get back to what they know best, losing.
Colts 31-24
Green Bay @ St. Louis
Last week Aaron Rodgers went off to the tune of 6 touchdown passes. What does the tune of 6 touchdown passes sound like? This. Does this mean Rodgers is officially back? Yes. Are hypothetical questions pointless if the answer is a simple yes? Well, the answer to that is pretty complicated. While the Rams are 3-0 at home this year and their D has held their own I think the Packers will be harder to handle than a 10 hour sax solo.
Packers 31-17
Arizona @ Minnesota
Similarities abide among these two teams. Both are an unexpected 4-2 even after stumbling as of late. Both are in the NFC. Trust me there are more similarities than just those but if I listed them all off here you'd be bored and I would have had to have looked into it further. This game figures to feature conservative offenses and aggressive defenses, which means that field position and ball control will be paramount. In other words this game will be boring as shit unless you have a rooting interest in either team. Minnesota is at home so I'll give them the edge.
Vikings 19-13
Sunday Afternoon
New York Jets @ New England
It would be considered a surprise if the Patriots even showed up for this game after their devastating loss in Seattle last week. If New England does make it to the field Sunday expect them to be angry and play with a sense of purpose (again, that's only if they show up, which is probably less than a 50/50 shot at this point). The Pats' opponent will be the mercurial Jets whose average margin of victory is over 16 points, while their average margin of defeat is 19. So it stands to reason that this one won't be close on way or another. I'll go with another.
Patriots 35-17
Jacksonville @ Oakland
There are only two afternoon games this week and this is one of them. In other news, the NFL schedule maker has released the following statement to fans: "Fuck you." Both teams are coming off their bye week which begs the question: why can't they be on their bye every week? Alas, here we are, left with only this game to distract us during commercials. I'm thinking about just watching the commercials.
Raiders 27-20
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Last week these teams lost to the Titans and Browns, respectively. Were they aware they had a Sunday Night game coming up? Don't they know that Faith Hill's been waiting all week for this? It just demonstrates a blatant lack of respect for the National Football League, NBC, and Ms. Hill that I, quite frankly, won't stand for.
Steelers 23-16
Monday Night
Detroit @ Chicago
The Bears moved into 2nd place in the NFC last week simply by not playing. It just goes to show that in today's NFL, not playing is the key to success. Hey, it's an ever-changing league, learn to evolve. I can just see all those stodgy old pundits sitting around their newsroom and opining through a thick plume of cigar smoke, "You gotta play to win." Not anymore JD Off Your Rocker-feller! Unfortunately, Chicago has a game on the schedule this week, so they are subject to a loss. Fortunately, they are playing the Lions who haven't put together a consistent effort all season.
Bears 28-18
Tennessee @ Buffalo
Here are a couple of teams coming off of surprise victories in Week 6 looking to keep going in the right direction. Not literally the "right" direction of course, if they did that they'd run out of bounds. While that might help with clock management, it's simply too early in the game to employ such a strategy, seeing as how it hasn't even started yet. While I have all the confidence in the world in Matthew Hasselbeck, I attribute their win over Pittsburgh in large part to the fact that it was a home game being played on a Thursday. Plus their defense is still garbanzo beans (I'm saying that instead of garbage now; please let me know how much you hate it in the comments section below).
Bills 30-22
Washington @ New York Giants
The Giants unexpectedly beat the 49ers in San Francisco last week. However, it was only unexpected if you haven't learned to expect the unexpected without exception when it comes to New York. Clearly this has been my M.O. for the last few weeks, but if the Giants win in convincing fashion again it might be time to just consider them good and not unpredictable. While the Redskins did beat the Giants twice last year it would still be a surprise if they got a W here. And for that very reason I have to go with Washington.
Redskins 28-25
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
With their win last week the Bucs have taken a stranglehold over 2nd place in the NFC South at 2-3. But not so fast, nipping at their heels are the 1-4 Saints coming off their bye week, and you do NOT want to face an Aaron Kromer coached team when he has an extra seven days to prepare. Though there's no track record to back that statement up I think Krome Dawg is going to have New Orleans ready to play, and when I say "New Orleans" I'm only referring to their offense, because their D is non-existent.
Saints 27-20
Dallas @ Carolina
Last week the Cowboys found yet another way to lose a game. It's always interesting with these guys, you have to hand it to Jason Garrett and co.; unless you're the other team, because in that case Jason Garrett and co. have to hand it to you (and by 'it' I mean the game). However, the Panthers have been just as bad, if not worse, with the game on the line in their last two contests. Which makes me wonder if the 4th quarter will look a lot like this. So who will blow it worse? I'll go with the home team, it'll be more painful that way.
Cowboys 30-28
Baltimore @ Houston
There are only two teams in the AFC that are above .500 and they're playing each other in this game. Both teams come into this playoff rematch at 5-1 looking to take an inside track in the race for the conference's top seed. The Ravens are coming off demoralizing losses to their defense while Houston is coming off of the demoralizing realization that their defense may be lost. So as you can see the match-up between these two teams is like looking into a mirror, a very large mirror that 53 people can look into at the same time. To my knowledge this mirror does not actually exist, so it shouldn't be a factor come Sunday. I'll give the edge to the Texans at home.
Texans 24-20
Cleveland @ Indianapolis
When I say "Corner" you say "Screen!" Corner _______ Corner _______ When I say "At the" you say "Shack!" At the ______ At the ______ While this game features a plethora of young talent the chances are high that things could get sloppy. In fact, when I was researching this game I went to youngsloppytalent. com and found a lot of interesting material, none of which I could use to help me in my analysis of this game but interesting nonetheless. Ok where was I? (full disclosure: I just took a 2 hour break from writing this post for a return visit to youngsloppytalent .com) I say the Colts get back on track after a disappointing effort against the Jets while the Browns get back to what they know best, losing.
Colts 31-24
Green Bay @ St. Louis
Last week Aaron Rodgers went off to the tune of 6 touchdown passes. What does the tune of 6 touchdown passes sound like? This. Does this mean Rodgers is officially back? Yes. Are hypothetical questions pointless if the answer is a simple yes? Well, the answer to that is pretty complicated. While the Rams are 3-0 at home this year and their D has held their own I think the Packers will be harder to handle than a 10 hour sax solo.
Packers 31-17
Arizona @ Minnesota
Similarities abide among these two teams. Both are an unexpected 4-2 even after stumbling as of late. Both are in the NFC. Trust me there are more similarities than just those but if I listed them all off here you'd be bored and I would have had to have looked into it further. This game figures to feature conservative offenses and aggressive defenses, which means that field position and ball control will be paramount. In other words this game will be boring as shit unless you have a rooting interest in either team. Minnesota is at home so I'll give them the edge.
Vikings 19-13
Sunday Afternoon
New York Jets @ New England
It would be considered a surprise if the Patriots even showed up for this game after their devastating loss in Seattle last week. If New England does make it to the field Sunday expect them to be angry and play with a sense of purpose (again, that's only if they show up, which is probably less than a 50/50 shot at this point). The Pats' opponent will be the mercurial Jets whose average margin of victory is over 16 points, while their average margin of defeat is 19. So it stands to reason that this one won't be close on way or another. I'll go with another.
Patriots 35-17
Jacksonville @ Oakland
There are only two afternoon games this week and this is one of them. In other news, the NFL schedule maker has released the following statement to fans: "Fuck you." Both teams are coming off their bye week which begs the question: why can't they be on their bye every week? Alas, here we are, left with only this game to distract us during commercials. I'm thinking about just watching the commercials.
Raiders 27-20
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Last week these teams lost to the Titans and Browns, respectively. Were they aware they had a Sunday Night game coming up? Don't they know that Faith Hill's been waiting all week for this? It just demonstrates a blatant lack of respect for the National Football League, NBC, and Ms. Hill that I, quite frankly, won't stand for.
Steelers 23-16
Monday Night
Detroit @ Chicago
The Bears moved into 2nd place in the NFC last week simply by not playing. It just goes to show that in today's NFL, not playing is the key to success. Hey, it's an ever-changing league, learn to evolve. I can just see all those stodgy old pundits sitting around their newsroom and opining through a thick plume of cigar smoke, "You gotta play to win." Not anymore JD Off Your Rocker-feller! Unfortunately, Chicago has a game on the schedule this week, so they are subject to a loss. Fortunately, they are playing the Lions who haven't put together a consistent effort all season.
Bears 28-18
10.17.2012
NFL Picks Week 7 - Thursday
Seattle @ San Francisco
Last week Giants' offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride remarked that 49ers DT Justin Smith, "gets away with murder" in terms of defensive holding, after which Jim "Jaw Sweatshirt" Harbaugh overreacted and made it clear that he's unfamiliar with how metaphors work. To me Sweatshirt's overboard response implicates Justin Smith even further. Why would Jaw feel the need to get so upset if Gilbride hadn't touched on something that is actually happening? To quote Doc Holliday, "I'm afraid (Jaw Sweatshirt) is just too high strung." Maybe Russell Wilson could teach him a few things about keeping it cool. The Hawks' rookie QB comes into this match-up after displaying late game poise while throwing for two fourth quarter touchdowns to beat the New England Patriots 24-23 (I'm sure you're all aware of this, but why not bring it up as much as possible?). It will be a tough task for Wilson and co. to keep the momentum going on the road on short rest; though it was also a tough task for Doc Holliday to get out of his death bed out duel Johnny Ringo, and I think if we've established anything here today it's that Jim Harbaugh is Johnny Ringo.
Seahawks 20-16
Last week Giants' offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride remarked that 49ers DT Justin Smith, "gets away with murder" in terms of defensive holding, after which Jim "Jaw Sweatshirt" Harbaugh overreacted and made it clear that he's unfamiliar with how metaphors work. To me Sweatshirt's overboard response implicates Justin Smith even further. Why would Jaw feel the need to get so upset if Gilbride hadn't touched on something that is actually happening? To quote Doc Holliday, "I'm afraid (Jaw Sweatshirt) is just too high strung." Maybe Russell Wilson could teach him a few things about keeping it cool. The Hawks' rookie QB comes into this match-up after displaying late game poise while throwing for two fourth quarter touchdowns to beat the New England Patriots 24-23 (I'm sure you're all aware of this, but why not bring it up as much as possible?). It will be a tough task for Wilson and co. to keep the momentum going on the road on short rest; though it was also a tough task for Doc Holliday to get out of his death bed out duel Johnny Ringo, and I think if we've established anything here today it's that Jim Harbaugh is Johnny Ringo.
Seahawks 20-16
10.11.2012
NFL Picks - Week 6
Sunday Morning
Oakland @ Atlanta
Uh oh, this could get ugly. How ugly? This ugly (I'll bet you're looking for the link aren't you? Shame on you, I would never point out someone being ugly merely for amusement, I'd only do it if I really thought they should know, so that they could do something about it and then the rest of us wouldn't be forced to deal with it).
Falcons 38-14
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Hmmm, where have I seen this one before? Oh, that's right, Week 2! The Bengals and the Browns are playing each other for the second time already in this young season. The first time around Cincinnati got a 34-27 win in a wild game. Since then things have gotten pretty scary for the Browns, but it's getting to be that time of year when scary reigns. Not to mention the fact that Brandon Weeden runs a haunted house in his neighborhood on weekdays, so scary is his specialty. In other words he's not phased by the frightening events surrounding Cleveland's season so far. Last week I picked the Browns to win because I had no choice, but this week I'll stick with them because I think they've got what it takes ... to get a win.
Browns 27-24
St. Louis @ Miami
What do you say about a game like this? Seriously, they're not giving me much to work with here. Both teams are coming off of surprise wins last week, but now that they've each shown some fight no one should be surprised if either of them get a W here. Though, it stands to reason that at least one of these teams will be victorious. Which one you ask? Ha, well you'll just have to wait and see. I already know however, so SPOILER ALERT!
Dolphins 22-20
Indianapolis @ New York Jets
As one fresh faced quarterback arrives on the scene, another fades into oblivion. Like sands through the hour glass, the yin to the yang, or one of those drawings where a hand is drawing a hand which is drawing the first hand. This is the storyline as Andrew Luck, coming off of the best game of his young career, travels to New York to take on a struggling Mark Sanchez, who can't escape the powerful, sultry breath of Tim Tebow perpetually heating the nape of his neck. If Luck pulls off another win expect to see Sanch on the bench sooner rather than not so soon. But I think he'll get the win, and a stay of execution. (Fun fact that isn't true: One of the previous sentences was lifted directly from a romance novel, can you guess which one?)
Jets 24-17
Detroit @ Philadelphia
This season Michael Vick has been a turnover machine. Don't believe me? He's already given the ball away nine times on his own. Now, if the issue you had with my original statement was that I referred to him as a machine well then I'll admit that no, I do not believe that Michael Vick is literally some sort of cyborg designed by scientists to turn the ball over. What would be the logic in engineering such a robot? Who is that helping? Certainly not the Eagles, for whom the Turnover Machine is the starting quarterback. Are we supposed to think that an NFL franchise would agree to make such a self-destructive decision as to turn over the reigns of their offense to a mechanical being whose sole purpose is to present the opposition with the football? Of course not, so I'll take Philadelphia.
Eagles 24-23
Kansas City @ Tampa Bay
Let's not beat around the bush with this game. Ah one, and ah two, and ah three .... Corner Screen at the Shack! I think it's safe to say that outside Kansas City this one will be in the same spot at sports bars across the nation. Let's call it the anti-Jennifer Grey, because everybody's putting it in the corner. Of course, the one city in which this game won't be relegated to the fringes is Tampa, because I'm guessing we're headed towards another non-sellout (Stinger for all the old school fans out there) meaning that they won't even have the option of watching the game on TV. Though, I can't say that I blame the Bucs' fans for not showing up to this one; I mean the only thing to possibly cheer would be a Matt Cassel injury, and odds are he won't even be playing, so what's the point?
Buccaneers 28-14
Dallas @ Baltimore
The Ravens' last three wins have all been close games that could have gone either way, while both of the Cowboys' losses this season have been blowouts in which Dallas was dominated physically, emotionally, and sexually (or so I've heard). So if the Ravens are going to win this game then something has to give; either they'll get to breath easy for once, or the Cowboys will finally look respectable in a loss. Or, Dallas could completely flip the script and get an upset victory, which would be a definite possibility if I thought they were any good. I say the Ravens get their 14th straight home win in classic Ravens fashion.
Ravens 21-20
Sunday Afternoon
New England @ Seattle
If it seems like you haven't seen this match-up much in the past couple decades it's because you haven't (learn to trust your instincts). This will be only the third time these teams have met in the last 19 seasons. Moreover, it will be the the first time Tom Brady has ever played in Seattle, meaning that he probably thinks "Bring in da Noise Bring in da Funk" is merely the title of a fantastic movie. Think again Tom. Brady and co. do bring the league's top offense (yardage-wise) with them to the CLink this Sunday, but they'll be met by the league's top D, and as they always say, a good defense beats a good offense. But they also always say that the best defense is a good offense, and New England has the league's best offense, so does that mean they have the best defense? And if the best defense is a good offense does that mean that the best offense is a good defense? In that case, the Seahawks would have the league's best offense. Any way you slice it, this figures to be a highly competitive clash. I'll give the edge to the Hawks because they have the only player whose jersey has been retired but still suits up every week.
Seahawks 23-20
Buffalo @ Arizona
The Bills' defense was so bad last week that it was offensive. And no, not in the sense that the best offense is a bad defense, rather in the sense that it's a delicious play on words. In their blowout loss to the 49ers, Buffalo became the only team in NFL history to give up 300 yards passing AND 300 yards rushing in one game. Their defense has been so porous this season that fantasy owners across the nation are scrambling to pick up Kevin Kolb off of waivers. If the Bills' D hasn't had a wake-up call yet, then that's it. But even if they do wake up they might not manage to do much. Meanwhile, Cardinals running back Ryan Williams will miss the remainder of the year due to injury, meaning that by the end of the season he'll have played in only 5 of the 32 games he's been a pro for. To put it another way, he'll have played in about 16% of games. That's still higher than the Bills' tackling percentage though, so it shouldn't matter who's toting it for Arizona.
Cardinals 27-15
New York Giants @ San Francisco
It's a rematch of the NFC Championship Game from 1991! These teams also happened to have played for the NFC crown last season (NOTE: the NFC crown is not an actual thing). As we all know, a couple of bad bounces spelled doom for the 49ers in the previous match-up. To safeguard against the same thing happening this time around San Francisco is putting a spy on Kyle Williams in much the same way that you would to defend a running quarterback. The spy will mirror Williams' every move and if Kyle comes within 5 yards of the ball during any punt the spy will pounce on him. The Giants' win over Cleveland last week put a dent in my Costanza Theorem which states that when it comes to New York I should pick against my instincts. While a Browns win would have solidified my findings I'm not sure that their loss proved me wrong; if anything, it proved that they suck. So I'll stick with the Theorem one more time and take the Giants on the road. Why? Because I don't think they'll win.
Giants 19-16
Minnesota @ Washington
As I mentioned earlier, and in many weeks past, the lack of ticket sales in Tampa makes that fan base a strong candidate for the worst in the NFL. However, were you aware that Redskins have lost their last eight at home? Yes, eight (as in 8). It's a shocking statistic that raises the question, does Washington D.C. have the worst fans in the NFL? It seems clear that they aren't generating any home field advantage whatsoever. In fact, they're having a negative effect. With the red hot Minnesota Vikings coming to town expect this troubling trend to continue
Vikings 24-21
Sunday Night
Green Bay @ Houston
It's safe to say that in terms of the start of the 2012 season, this is not how Aaron Rodgers and the Packers drew it up. In fact, I managed to obtain a copy of how Rodgers actually drew it up. On the flip side, the Texans couldn't have imagined a much better start to the year; they're 5-0 for the first time in their storied 11 year history. Even though Green Bay comes into this game at 2-3 beating them would be a benchmark victory for a Houston team that has feasted on a somewhat easy schedule to this point. And it's for that very reason that I think the Packers will pull off an upset. Green Bay needs this one, and while it would be a big win for the Texans, the desperation might not be there.
Packers 27-24
Monday Night
Denver @ San Diego
It's a Monday night battle for first place in the AFC West. "Groan," said the country.
Broncos 30-23
Oakland @ Atlanta
Uh oh, this could get ugly. How ugly? This ugly (I'll bet you're looking for the link aren't you? Shame on you, I would never point out someone being ugly merely for amusement, I'd only do it if I really thought they should know, so that they could do something about it and then the rest of us wouldn't be forced to deal with it).
Falcons 38-14
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Hmmm, where have I seen this one before? Oh, that's right, Week 2! The Bengals and the Browns are playing each other for the second time already in this young season. The first time around Cincinnati got a 34-27 win in a wild game. Since then things have gotten pretty scary for the Browns, but it's getting to be that time of year when scary reigns. Not to mention the fact that Brandon Weeden runs a haunted house in his neighborhood on weekdays, so scary is his specialty. In other words he's not phased by the frightening events surrounding Cleveland's season so far. Last week I picked the Browns to win because I had no choice, but this week I'll stick with them because I think they've got what it takes ... to get a win.
Browns 27-24
St. Louis @ Miami
What do you say about a game like this? Seriously, they're not giving me much to work with here. Both teams are coming off of surprise wins last week, but now that they've each shown some fight no one should be surprised if either of them get a W here. Though, it stands to reason that at least one of these teams will be victorious. Which one you ask? Ha, well you'll just have to wait and see. I already know however, so SPOILER ALERT!
Dolphins 22-20
Indianapolis @ New York Jets
As one fresh faced quarterback arrives on the scene, another fades into oblivion. Like sands through the hour glass, the yin to the yang, or one of those drawings where a hand is drawing a hand which is drawing the first hand. This is the storyline as Andrew Luck, coming off of the best game of his young career, travels to New York to take on a struggling Mark Sanchez, who can't escape the powerful, sultry breath of Tim Tebow perpetually heating the nape of his neck. If Luck pulls off another win expect to see Sanch on the bench sooner rather than not so soon. But I think he'll get the win, and a stay of execution. (Fun fact that isn't true: One of the previous sentences was lifted directly from a romance novel, can you guess which one?)
Jets 24-17
Detroit @ Philadelphia
This season Michael Vick has been a turnover machine. Don't believe me? He's already given the ball away nine times on his own. Now, if the issue you had with my original statement was that I referred to him as a machine well then I'll admit that no, I do not believe that Michael Vick is literally some sort of cyborg designed by scientists to turn the ball over. What would be the logic in engineering such a robot? Who is that helping? Certainly not the Eagles, for whom the Turnover Machine is the starting quarterback. Are we supposed to think that an NFL franchise would agree to make such a self-destructive decision as to turn over the reigns of their offense to a mechanical being whose sole purpose is to present the opposition with the football? Of course not, so I'll take Philadelphia.
Eagles 24-23
Kansas City @ Tampa Bay
Let's not beat around the bush with this game. Ah one, and ah two, and ah three .... Corner Screen at the Shack! I think it's safe to say that outside Kansas City this one will be in the same spot at sports bars across the nation. Let's call it the anti-Jennifer Grey, because everybody's putting it in the corner. Of course, the one city in which this game won't be relegated to the fringes is Tampa, because I'm guessing we're headed towards another non-sellout (Stinger for all the old school fans out there) meaning that they won't even have the option of watching the game on TV. Though, I can't say that I blame the Bucs' fans for not showing up to this one; I mean the only thing to possibly cheer would be a Matt Cassel injury, and odds are he won't even be playing, so what's the point?
Buccaneers 28-14
Dallas @ Baltimore
The Ravens' last three wins have all been close games that could have gone either way, while both of the Cowboys' losses this season have been blowouts in which Dallas was dominated physically, emotionally, and sexually (or so I've heard). So if the Ravens are going to win this game then something has to give; either they'll get to breath easy for once, or the Cowboys will finally look respectable in a loss. Or, Dallas could completely flip the script and get an upset victory, which would be a definite possibility if I thought they were any good. I say the Ravens get their 14th straight home win in classic Ravens fashion.
Ravens 21-20
Sunday Afternoon
New England @ Seattle
If it seems like you haven't seen this match-up much in the past couple decades it's because you haven't (learn to trust your instincts). This will be only the third time these teams have met in the last 19 seasons. Moreover, it will be the the first time Tom Brady has ever played in Seattle, meaning that he probably thinks "Bring in da Noise Bring in da Funk" is merely the title of a fantastic movie. Think again Tom. Brady and co. do bring the league's top offense (yardage-wise) with them to the CLink this Sunday, but they'll be met by the league's top D, and as they always say, a good defense beats a good offense. But they also always say that the best defense is a good offense, and New England has the league's best offense, so does that mean they have the best defense? And if the best defense is a good offense does that mean that the best offense is a good defense? In that case, the Seahawks would have the league's best offense. Any way you slice it, this figures to be a highly competitive clash. I'll give the edge to the Hawks because they have the only player whose jersey has been retired but still suits up every week.
Seahawks 23-20
Buffalo @ Arizona
The Bills' defense was so bad last week that it was offensive. And no, not in the sense that the best offense is a bad defense, rather in the sense that it's a delicious play on words. In their blowout loss to the 49ers, Buffalo became the only team in NFL history to give up 300 yards passing AND 300 yards rushing in one game. Their defense has been so porous this season that fantasy owners across the nation are scrambling to pick up Kevin Kolb off of waivers. If the Bills' D hasn't had a wake-up call yet, then that's it. But even if they do wake up they might not manage to do much. Meanwhile, Cardinals running back Ryan Williams will miss the remainder of the year due to injury, meaning that by the end of the season he'll have played in only 5 of the 32 games he's been a pro for. To put it another way, he'll have played in about 16% of games. That's still higher than the Bills' tackling percentage though, so it shouldn't matter who's toting it for Arizona.
Cardinals 27-15
New York Giants @ San Francisco
It's a rematch of the NFC Championship Game from 1991! These teams also happened to have played for the NFC crown last season (NOTE: the NFC crown is not an actual thing). As we all know, a couple of bad bounces spelled doom for the 49ers in the previous match-up. To safeguard against the same thing happening this time around San Francisco is putting a spy on Kyle Williams in much the same way that you would to defend a running quarterback. The spy will mirror Williams' every move and if Kyle comes within 5 yards of the ball during any punt the spy will pounce on him. The Giants' win over Cleveland last week put a dent in my Costanza Theorem which states that when it comes to New York I should pick against my instincts. While a Browns win would have solidified my findings I'm not sure that their loss proved me wrong; if anything, it proved that they suck. So I'll stick with the Theorem one more time and take the Giants on the road. Why? Because I don't think they'll win.
Giants 19-16
Minnesota @ Washington
As I mentioned earlier, and in many weeks past, the lack of ticket sales in Tampa makes that fan base a strong candidate for the worst in the NFL. However, were you aware that Redskins have lost their last eight at home? Yes, eight (as in 8). It's a shocking statistic that raises the question, does Washington D.C. have the worst fans in the NFL? It seems clear that they aren't generating any home field advantage whatsoever. In fact, they're having a negative effect. With the red hot Minnesota Vikings coming to town expect this troubling trend to continue
Vikings 24-21
Sunday Night
Green Bay @ Houston
It's safe to say that in terms of the start of the 2012 season, this is not how Aaron Rodgers and the Packers drew it up. In fact, I managed to obtain a copy of how Rodgers actually drew it up. On the flip side, the Texans couldn't have imagined a much better start to the year; they're 5-0 for the first time in their storied 11 year history. Even though Green Bay comes into this game at 2-3 beating them would be a benchmark victory for a Houston team that has feasted on a somewhat easy schedule to this point. And it's for that very reason that I think the Packers will pull off an upset. Green Bay needs this one, and while it would be a big win for the Texans, the desperation might not be there.
Packers 27-24
Monday Night
Denver @ San Diego
It's a Monday night battle for first place in the AFC West. "Groan," said the country.
Broncos 30-23
10.10.2012
NFL Picks Week 6 - Thursday
Pittsburgh @ Tennessee
Could the Titans be the worst team in the league? You could make a strong case for yes, and if you have made that case please send it to me and I'll read it; but since we're here now let's hear mine. They're giving up a league worst 36.2 points per game. They've scored 88 total points this season with 44 coming in their one win, meaning they are averaging 11 points per game in their losses. They rank 28th in total defense and 26th in total offense. This team looks so far gone that even Matthew Hasselbeck might not be able to save them. Tennessee can at least take solace in the fact that everybody plays poorly on Thursdays so at least this week they'll have an excuse. But when will you stop making excuses Tennessee? I'm talking to the whole state now.
Steelers 26-13
Could the Titans be the worst team in the league? You could make a strong case for yes, and if you have made that case please send it to me and I'll read it; but since we're here now let's hear mine. They're giving up a league worst 36.2 points per game. They've scored 88 total points this season with 44 coming in their one win, meaning they are averaging 11 points per game in their losses. They rank 28th in total defense and 26th in total offense. This team looks so far gone that even Matthew Hasselbeck might not be able to save them. Tennessee can at least take solace in the fact that everybody plays poorly on Thursdays so at least this week they'll have an excuse. But when will you stop making excuses Tennessee? I'm talking to the whole state now.
Steelers 26-13
10.04.2012
NFL Picks - Week 5
Sunday Morning
Miami @ Cincinnati
The Bengals' defense finally put a up a solid effort last week against the Jaguars. Go back and read the previous sentence, but pay extra attention to the last word. That's right, they were playing the Jaguars so their defense still has much to prove. This Sunday they'll be tasked with containing Brian Hartline who had more targets last week than Culver City. Just to be clear, there are 3 Targets in Culver City, which is 2 more than most cities but still nowhere near the amount of targets that Hartline, or many other receivers for that matter, had a week ago. I think the Cincy D will hold their own and keep the Dolphins' point total low, just like the low low prices at your nearest Target.
Bengals 27-19
Green Bay @ Indianapolis
Coming into last week at 1-2 the Packers were faced with something of a judgment day and Aaron Rodgers experienced a return to form reminiscent of the T1000 against New Orleans. As for Andrew Luck, he's turning heads as a rookie and making everyone say, "Have you seen this boy!?" Unfortunately for Luck the rest of this Colts team is making him understand why Indy fans cry. Expect Rodgers to have another big week.
Packers 35-20
Baltimore @ Kansas City
After getting their token win against the Saints in Week 3 the Chiefs returned to a losing form in a San Diegan thrashing, that is to say a thrashing by San Diego. With the Ravens coming to town don't expect much better from Kansas City, at least not until Kansas City starts expecting better from themselves. It's like, you're beautiful Kansas City, but no one's going to realize it until you do. I'm sorry you guys, it's just so damn frustrating.
Ravens 31-13
Atlanta @ Washington
In Week 4 the Falcons pulled an escape act that Harry Houdini himself would have been proud of. Of course, if Houdini had actually been watching the game he most likely would have said, "They're allowed to throw the ball!?" (Fun fact that isn't true: Houdini died in 1926, before the advent of the forward pass in American football) If we learned anything from that comeback it's that Atlanta is a hard team to beat; in fact, since they haven't lost yet this season it's fair to say that they're impossible to beat. But do you know what Robert Griffin's favorite movie is? Neither do I, though I think we can all agree if it were Mission: Impossible that would wrap this up pretty nicely wouldn't it.
Falcons 28-24
Cleveland @ New York Giants
As I watched Lawrence Tynes' 54 yard field goal attempt fall painfully short of the cross bar in the Giants' 19-17 loss to Philadelphia I thought one thing, "Costanza Theorem." So far, picking against my initial inclination in regards to the Giants has proven correct two straight weeks, but now comes its biggest test, the Cleveland Browns. That's the first time in years that the Browns have been the biggest test for anything or anybody, and that includes when they scrimmage against themselves, which shouldn't make sense but somehow it does (just trust me ... please?). Clearly the Giants should win, so as dictated by the Costanza Theorem I will pick Cleveland.
Browns 28-27
Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh
It's the rare Pennsylvanian intrastate game. This one reminds me of the Ryder Cup because it comes around only once every few years and it's filled with people that make me ashamed to be an American. Speaking of which, the Steelers expect to have James Harrison in the line-up for the first time this season. That just may make the difference in this one considering the difference for the Eagles has been razor thin so far this year. They've won 3 games by a combined total of 4 points. They're playing with fire, and they're libel to get burned, like the crotch of so many a Ben Roethlisberger sexual partner.
Steelers 24-20
Sunday Afternoon
Seattle @ Carolina
It's become clear that Seahawks are well aware of recent NFL history. They know that the last two Super Bowl champions were 10-6 and 9-7, respectively. So why bother racking up a bunch of wins during the regular season, right? Yeah that must be it. That being said I think the Hawks should go ahead and try to win this one. The NFL made that an easier task by scheduling this game for the afternoon. The extra time should help Pete Carroll cool down as he was clearly too jacked up last week, forcing him to make multiple coaching errors. With PC's jacked levels stabilized the Hawks should take this one.
Seahawks 22-13
Chicago @ Jacksonville
The Bears looked very impressive in their Monday Night Football victory over Dallas and they may, in fact, be headed to the top of the NFC. But this week they're playing the Jaguars which means the only place they're headed is ... The Corner Screen at the Shack!
Bears 23-16
Tennessee @ Minnesota
The Vikings are 3-1 and atop the NFC North. If you had told me that before the season I would have told you to go back to your time, you don't belong in the past anymore, take your knowledge of the first month of the 2012 NFL season and be gone. Or I might have simply shouted, "Spoiler alert!" Whichever way you slice it, it's definitely a surprise, but as the young season wears on it appears less and less like a fluke. With the woeful Titans coming to town there's no reason to think that Minnesota will take a step back. Well, there's one reason, but that might be asking too much of him at this point.
Vikings 28-17
Denver @ New England
The Manning/Brady rivalry is back! Yet, in a surprising turn of events, Eli has become Brady's biggest nemesis in Peyton's absence. It's like that part in Rudy when Rudy comes home to find that his scumbag older brother has taken up with his girlfriend. Yep, that's exactly what it's like. Last week the Patriots became the first team this season to top 50 points and the Broncos blew Oakland out by 31, unfortunately for these teams you don't get to carry over extra points into the next game (the NFL did away with that rule back in 1957). Of course, a home game against the Raiders and a trip to New England are two entirely different things, and while I'm confident that the Broncos are aware of that I'm not sure that there's much they'll be able to about it.
Patriots 30-20
Buffalo @ San Francisco
It's the Chris Berman Special! The Schwam picked this as his Super Bowl match-up every preseason from 1992-99, and it was funny every single time. It shouldn't be overlooked that the Bills run a West Coast offense and this game is being played on the West Coast. On second thought, yes, that should be overlooked as it will most likely make no difference.
49ers 27-13
Sunday Night
San Diego @ New Orleans
The NFL has ruled that Sean Payton can now attend Saints games. I'm guessing that we'll see improved play from a New Orleans team that will be trying to impress their coach. Although this also may lead to frustration when, for example, Payton is buying a hot dog and Drew Brees looks into the stands mid-play and shouts, "Coach you're not watching!" Odds are that won't happen more than a few times because Brees is a pro, and honestly, I mean how many hot dogs could Payton possibly eat during a game? I think the extra incentive will help get the Saints the win; they deal well with incentives.
Saints 34-27
Monday Night
Houston @ New York Jets
After Mark Sanchez led the Jets to zero points in their last outing many fans are crying out for Tim Tebow to get in the game more, their argument being how could he do worse than zero points? Obviously they haven't heard about the best kept secret in the NFL: negative points. Speaking of well kept secrets it's time for the Texans' undrafted running back Arian Foster to introduce himself to the league and the nation on this primetime stage. I'm telling you, keep an eye on this guy, he's got the potential to lead the league in rushing one day.
Texans 24-10
Miami @ Cincinnati
The Bengals' defense finally put a up a solid effort last week against the Jaguars. Go back and read the previous sentence, but pay extra attention to the last word. That's right, they were playing the Jaguars so their defense still has much to prove. This Sunday they'll be tasked with containing Brian Hartline who had more targets last week than Culver City. Just to be clear, there are 3 Targets in Culver City, which is 2 more than most cities but still nowhere near the amount of targets that Hartline, or many other receivers for that matter, had a week ago. I think the Cincy D will hold their own and keep the Dolphins' point total low, just like the low low prices at your nearest Target.
Bengals 27-19
Green Bay @ Indianapolis
Coming into last week at 1-2 the Packers were faced with something of a judgment day and Aaron Rodgers experienced a return to form reminiscent of the T1000 against New Orleans. As for Andrew Luck, he's turning heads as a rookie and making everyone say, "Have you seen this boy!?" Unfortunately for Luck the rest of this Colts team is making him understand why Indy fans cry. Expect Rodgers to have another big week.
Packers 35-20
Baltimore @ Kansas City
After getting their token win against the Saints in Week 3 the Chiefs returned to a losing form in a San Diegan thrashing, that is to say a thrashing by San Diego. With the Ravens coming to town don't expect much better from Kansas City, at least not until Kansas City starts expecting better from themselves. It's like, you're beautiful Kansas City, but no one's going to realize it until you do. I'm sorry you guys, it's just so damn frustrating.
Ravens 31-13
Atlanta @ Washington
In Week 4 the Falcons pulled an escape act that Harry Houdini himself would have been proud of. Of course, if Houdini had actually been watching the game he most likely would have said, "They're allowed to throw the ball!?" (Fun fact that isn't true: Houdini died in 1926, before the advent of the forward pass in American football) If we learned anything from that comeback it's that Atlanta is a hard team to beat; in fact, since they haven't lost yet this season it's fair to say that they're impossible to beat. But do you know what Robert Griffin's favorite movie is? Neither do I, though I think we can all agree if it were Mission: Impossible that would wrap this up pretty nicely wouldn't it.
Falcons 28-24
Cleveland @ New York Giants
As I watched Lawrence Tynes' 54 yard field goal attempt fall painfully short of the cross bar in the Giants' 19-17 loss to Philadelphia I thought one thing, "Costanza Theorem." So far, picking against my initial inclination in regards to the Giants has proven correct two straight weeks, but now comes its biggest test, the Cleveland Browns. That's the first time in years that the Browns have been the biggest test for anything or anybody, and that includes when they scrimmage against themselves, which shouldn't make sense but somehow it does (just trust me ... please?). Clearly the Giants should win, so as dictated by the Costanza Theorem I will pick Cleveland.
Browns 28-27
Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh
It's the rare Pennsylvanian intrastate game. This one reminds me of the Ryder Cup because it comes around only once every few years and it's filled with people that make me ashamed to be an American. Speaking of which, the Steelers expect to have James Harrison in the line-up for the first time this season. That just may make the difference in this one considering the difference for the Eagles has been razor thin so far this year. They've won 3 games by a combined total of 4 points. They're playing with fire, and they're libel to get burned, like the crotch of so many a Ben Roethlisberger sexual partner.
Steelers 24-20
Sunday Afternoon
Seattle @ Carolina
It's become clear that Seahawks are well aware of recent NFL history. They know that the last two Super Bowl champions were 10-6 and 9-7, respectively. So why bother racking up a bunch of wins during the regular season, right? Yeah that must be it. That being said I think the Hawks should go ahead and try to win this one. The NFL made that an easier task by scheduling this game for the afternoon. The extra time should help Pete Carroll cool down as he was clearly too jacked up last week, forcing him to make multiple coaching errors. With PC's jacked levels stabilized the Hawks should take this one.
Seahawks 22-13
Chicago @ Jacksonville
The Bears looked very impressive in their Monday Night Football victory over Dallas and they may, in fact, be headed to the top of the NFC. But this week they're playing the Jaguars which means the only place they're headed is ... The Corner Screen at the Shack!
Bears 23-16
Tennessee @ Minnesota
The Vikings are 3-1 and atop the NFC North. If you had told me that before the season I would have told you to go back to your time, you don't belong in the past anymore, take your knowledge of the first month of the 2012 NFL season and be gone. Or I might have simply shouted, "Spoiler alert!" Whichever way you slice it, it's definitely a surprise, but as the young season wears on it appears less and less like a fluke. With the woeful Titans coming to town there's no reason to think that Minnesota will take a step back. Well, there's one reason, but that might be asking too much of him at this point.
Vikings 28-17
Denver @ New England
The Manning/Brady rivalry is back! Yet, in a surprising turn of events, Eli has become Brady's biggest nemesis in Peyton's absence. It's like that part in Rudy when Rudy comes home to find that his scumbag older brother has taken up with his girlfriend. Yep, that's exactly what it's like. Last week the Patriots became the first team this season to top 50 points and the Broncos blew Oakland out by 31, unfortunately for these teams you don't get to carry over extra points into the next game (the NFL did away with that rule back in 1957). Of course, a home game against the Raiders and a trip to New England are two entirely different things, and while I'm confident that the Broncos are aware of that I'm not sure that there's much they'll be able to about it.
Patriots 30-20
Buffalo @ San Francisco
It's the Chris Berman Special! The Schwam picked this as his Super Bowl match-up every preseason from 1992-99, and it was funny every single time. It shouldn't be overlooked that the Bills run a West Coast offense and this game is being played on the West Coast. On second thought, yes, that should be overlooked as it will most likely make no difference.
49ers 27-13
Sunday Night
San Diego @ New Orleans
The NFL has ruled that Sean Payton can now attend Saints games. I'm guessing that we'll see improved play from a New Orleans team that will be trying to impress their coach. Although this also may lead to frustration when, for example, Payton is buying a hot dog and Drew Brees looks into the stands mid-play and shouts, "Coach you're not watching!" Odds are that won't happen more than a few times because Brees is a pro, and honestly, I mean how many hot dogs could Payton possibly eat during a game? I think the extra incentive will help get the Saints the win; they deal well with incentives.
Saints 34-27
Monday Night
Houston @ New York Jets
After Mark Sanchez led the Jets to zero points in their last outing many fans are crying out for Tim Tebow to get in the game more, their argument being how could he do worse than zero points? Obviously they haven't heard about the best kept secret in the NFL: negative points. Speaking of well kept secrets it's time for the Texans' undrafted running back Arian Foster to introduce himself to the league and the nation on this primetime stage. I'm telling you, keep an eye on this guy, he's got the potential to lead the league in rushing one day.
Texans 24-10
NFL Picks Week 5 - Thursday
Arizona @ St. Louis
With the exception of last week the Cardinals have proven quite capable of shutting down opposing offenses. There's just one problem, the Rams don't need an offense, as evidenced in their 19-13 "win" last week in which they relied special teams sorcery; once on a fake field goal touchdown and then on two separate field goals of 58 and 60 yards during which the leg of Greg Zuerlein was surely enhanced by some sort other worldly spell. Either that or Ram Rule #6 is "Crank the AC to help the home team's kicker." I think these crafty machinations will be enough to help them upset the Cardinals on a short week.
Rams 15-14
With the exception of last week the Cardinals have proven quite capable of shutting down opposing offenses. There's just one problem, the Rams don't need an offense, as evidenced in their 19-13 "win" last week in which they relied special teams sorcery; once on a fake field goal touchdown and then on two separate field goals of 58 and 60 yards during which the leg of Greg Zuerlein was surely enhanced by some sort other worldly spell. Either that or Ram Rule #6 is "Crank the AC to help the home team's kicker." I think these crafty machinations will be enough to help them upset the Cardinals on a short week.
Rams 15-14
9.27.2012
NFL Picks - Week 4
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ St. Louis
One thing has become clear after the oft-discussed Monday Night Football game between Seattle and Green Bay, the Seahawks never say die. What an heroic effort. One other thing that may not be as clear to the ignoramuses out there is that the Hawks D has become a force. Should they be reckoned with? Probably not. In their last 11 games the Hawks have given up more than 20 points only once in regulation, and that was in a game against the Redskins that I'm still convinced didn't actually happen. In the 2012 season Seattle is allowing 13 points per game, which is the lowest average in the NFL. Not to mention the fact that .... wait a minute, you guys know I'm picking the Hawks right? Ok.
Seahawks 20-9
Carolina @ Atlanta
The Falcons may just have the best resume in the NFL so far. But if you look closer you'll see a lot of padding. For instance, they put down that they were an "Executive Assistant" from '03-'06, I mean, that's just a fancy way of saying secretary right? I'm not sure I'm buying it just yet Atlanta. Though, I'm absolutely sure I'm not buying into the Panthers after their Thursday night stinker against the Giants in which Cam Newton still saw fit to do his Superman celebration after getting into the end zone to make the score 23-7 en route to a 36-7 loss. It was the equivalent of Clark Kent waiting until Metropolis is mostly rubble then saying, "Alright, I should probably find a phone booth."
Falcons 30-16
New England @ Buffalo
The Patriots come in to this game actually trailing the Bills in the AFC East standings. That shouldn't be a problem for Bill Belichick though, even if he has to chase down Buffalo himself, grab them by the arm and shout at them. He's normally pretty good at that. I just can't imagine New England losing a third straight game, but if it does happen it oughta be a lot of fun for everyone, right?
Patriots 35-24
Minnesota @ Detroit
After getting extremely lucky on a Hail Mary pass that probably shouldn't have counted the Lions proceeded to blow their game against the Titans in overtime last week on a fourth down sneak that apparently wasn't even supposed to have actually happened. Jim Schwartz tried to play it cool later on, but it was clear that, as is normally the case for him after a game, he was shaken up. Now Detroit will attempt to bounce back against the Vikings, who are led by world-beater Christian Ponder. Were you aware that he currently has a 104.9 passer rating, and his QBR is ... oh, never mind, nobody cares ESPN ... seriously nobody. Well maybe this guy, but that's it. As improved as Ponder has been I think the Lions have to have this one, a mindset that teams should always take into games, because it always results in a win (of course, that would mean that every team would win every game, but isn't that a world we'd all like to live in?).
Lions 26-23
San Diego @ Kansas City
Last week I picked the Chargers to beat the Falcons. They proceeded to lose 27-3. I don't have much of a point, I just figured I'd display some humility. Can you guys believe how humble I am? After their embarrassing loss, San Diego looks to rebound against a Chiefs team that has built some confidence with a road win over the Saints. In that win, Jamaal Charles had a 91 yard touchdown run and if he can manage two or three of those against the Chargers I think KC will have a good shot in this one (though they'd evidently be losing the field position battle).
Chiefs 23-20
San Francisco @ New York Jets
So what exactly happened to the 49ers last week? Was it merely a fluke, or a sign of things to come? Or maybe a flukey sign of things to come. No. That one doesn't make any sense; but neither did San Fran's loss to the Vikings last Sunday. Don't you see? Well I don't, I got lost in some sort of downward spiral on this one and I'm not sure I can pull myself out, so let's just get to the prediction. I think the Niners will handle the Jets here, unless Tebow gets in for an extended period of time, because that would, of course, result in a New York victory and squeals of glee across the nation.
49ers 24-12
Tennessee @ Houston
I think both teams should wear throwback Oilers uniforms in this game, just to mess with people. Unfortunately if they did, I'd guess that it would also "mess with" the players on the field, leading to a record number of interceptions and goofy blooper plays. While the five year old kids in attendance would be jazzed it's probably just not realistic. Alas, we're left with merely a normally uniformed match-up between the two, one which I'm not sure will be much of a contest.
Texans 31-17
Sunday Afternoon
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville
The Jaguars won a game last week! That's such an unexpected phrase that it should be said with the same inflection as, "Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight!" So can they make it two in a row? Perhaps, but I'll have to crane my neck to find out because it'll be on ... (all together) ... The corner screen at the Shack! (Wow, thanks for joining in on that with me guys, I can really feel this gimmick gaining traction) The Bengals D looked unimpressive again last week, but they managed to squirm away with their 2nd win, those scumbags. If it's sort of broke, yet still functional don't fix it.
Bengals 30-23
Miami @ Arizona
As I'm sure you've heard by now, the Cardinals are 3-0. And if you haven't heard you need to spend more time at the water cooler bro. The Cards are being discussed non-stop by casual fans, it's pretty much all that people are talking about in regards to the NFL this year. And with good reason, the Arizona defense has been dominate to this point, and they show no signs of letting up. Of course, I haven't been watching them practice, so it's entirely possible that they've been showing signs of letting up all week, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt here.
Cardinals 23-13
Oakland @ Denver
I was really excited that the main guy from Detroit Rock City got his first win as coach of the Raiders. It was one of those classic early season Oakland shootouts that seem surreal because of the non-stop action and the fact that there's a pitcher's mound on the field. Meanwhile Peyton Manning has made a habit of launching furious 4th quarter comebacks after digging himself giant holes to start off the game. Manning is hoping for a more regular performance this week, and I think he'll get just that.
Broncos 35-21
New Orleans @ Green Bay
Obviously the Packers' main weakness is defending the deep ball, which is something that Drew Brees could certainly exploit. Unfortunately, the Saints' main weakness so far this season has been winning games, which could prove detrimental to them as the season wears on. It seems obvious to pick a shootout in this one, and the 2012 season has been nothing if not obvious. I see this one ending with Green Bay getting a late stop for once, they're due.
Packers 38-33
Washington @ Tampa Bay
So the Bucs were again faced with an end of game situation in which they were within a possession, and the other team was kneeling on the ball to run out the clock, and what did Greg Schiano decide to do? The exact same thing he did against the Giants in Week 2, bull rush the Center in an attempt to cause a fumble. And ya know what? I loved it. Some folks were in up in arms the first time around but Schiano stuck to his guns and came out guns blazing (and yes, the guns that he stuck to and the guns that he blazed were the very same guns). I'm sold on this guy's 'tude.
Buccaneers 27-20
Sunday Night
New York Giants @ Philadelphia
The Eagles have beaten the Giants in 6 of their last 7 meetings, but New York has won 5 straight road games (including the playoffs), so clearly something has to give. After the Giants came out and dominated Carolina last week, and the Eagles offense looked lost against Arizona it would seem logical to pick New York. But like I said last time, my new strategy with the Giants is to go against my initial inclination, call it the Costanza Theorem (unless somebody's already used that).
Eagles 28-27
Monday Night
Dallas @ Chicago
Both teams come into this game with 2-1 records and a boatload of question marks (Fun Fact that isn't true: "Boatload of Question Marks" was the title of the DC comic book Batman, issue #81, in which the Riddler rigs a yacht filled with puzzles for the Caped Crusader to solve; it's known among fanboys as the second worst issue in the book's history). But instead of focusing on the actual teams participating in this game I'd like to take issue with the announcing team that will be covering it. We've all witnessed the nasty smear campaign that ESPN and the rest of the sports media has launched this week against those poor replacement referees that were only doing their best during last week's Monday Night game. Of course, the criticism originated with the announcers on the scene, Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden. They treated the touchdown call as something of a national tragedy (Gruden actually used the word "tragic" at one point). Ok, so they thought it was clearly an interception ... or did they!? Listen to Tirico's original call of the play here. At the :28 mark he says, "...Simultaneous ..." So, right when the play happened, Tirico saw the same thing as the refs on the field. Those who live in glass announcing booths should not throw stones.
Bears 16-13
Seattle @ St. Louis
One thing has become clear after the oft-discussed Monday Night Football game between Seattle and Green Bay, the Seahawks never say die. What an heroic effort. One other thing that may not be as clear to the ignoramuses out there is that the Hawks D has become a force. Should they be reckoned with? Probably not. In their last 11 games the Hawks have given up more than 20 points only once in regulation, and that was in a game against the Redskins that I'm still convinced didn't actually happen. In the 2012 season Seattle is allowing 13 points per game, which is the lowest average in the NFL. Not to mention the fact that .... wait a minute, you guys know I'm picking the Hawks right? Ok.
Seahawks 20-9
Carolina @ Atlanta
The Falcons may just have the best resume in the NFL so far. But if you look closer you'll see a lot of padding. For instance, they put down that they were an "Executive Assistant" from '03-'06, I mean, that's just a fancy way of saying secretary right? I'm not sure I'm buying it just yet Atlanta. Though, I'm absolutely sure I'm not buying into the Panthers after their Thursday night stinker against the Giants in which Cam Newton still saw fit to do his Superman celebration after getting into the end zone to make the score 23-7 en route to a 36-7 loss. It was the equivalent of Clark Kent waiting until Metropolis is mostly rubble then saying, "Alright, I should probably find a phone booth."
Falcons 30-16
New England @ Buffalo
The Patriots come in to this game actually trailing the Bills in the AFC East standings. That shouldn't be a problem for Bill Belichick though, even if he has to chase down Buffalo himself, grab them by the arm and shout at them. He's normally pretty good at that. I just can't imagine New England losing a third straight game, but if it does happen it oughta be a lot of fun for everyone, right?
Patriots 35-24
Minnesota @ Detroit
After getting extremely lucky on a Hail Mary pass that probably shouldn't have counted the Lions proceeded to blow their game against the Titans in overtime last week on a fourth down sneak that apparently wasn't even supposed to have actually happened. Jim Schwartz tried to play it cool later on, but it was clear that, as is normally the case for him after a game, he was shaken up. Now Detroit will attempt to bounce back against the Vikings, who are led by world-beater Christian Ponder. Were you aware that he currently has a 104.9 passer rating, and his QBR is ... oh, never mind, nobody cares ESPN ... seriously nobody. Well maybe this guy, but that's it. As improved as Ponder has been I think the Lions have to have this one, a mindset that teams should always take into games, because it always results in a win (of course, that would mean that every team would win every game, but isn't that a world we'd all like to live in?).
Lions 26-23
San Diego @ Kansas City
Last week I picked the Chargers to beat the Falcons. They proceeded to lose 27-3. I don't have much of a point, I just figured I'd display some humility. Can you guys believe how humble I am? After their embarrassing loss, San Diego looks to rebound against a Chiefs team that has built some confidence with a road win over the Saints. In that win, Jamaal Charles had a 91 yard touchdown run and if he can manage two or three of those against the Chargers I think KC will have a good shot in this one (though they'd evidently be losing the field position battle).
Chiefs 23-20
San Francisco @ New York Jets
So what exactly happened to the 49ers last week? Was it merely a fluke, or a sign of things to come? Or maybe a flukey sign of things to come. No. That one doesn't make any sense; but neither did San Fran's loss to the Vikings last Sunday. Don't you see? Well I don't, I got lost in some sort of downward spiral on this one and I'm not sure I can pull myself out, so let's just get to the prediction. I think the Niners will handle the Jets here, unless Tebow gets in for an extended period of time, because that would, of course, result in a New York victory and squeals of glee across the nation.
49ers 24-12
Tennessee @ Houston
I think both teams should wear throwback Oilers uniforms in this game, just to mess with people. Unfortunately if they did, I'd guess that it would also "mess with" the players on the field, leading to a record number of interceptions and goofy blooper plays. While the five year old kids in attendance would be jazzed it's probably just not realistic. Alas, we're left with merely a normally uniformed match-up between the two, one which I'm not sure will be much of a contest.
Texans 31-17
Sunday Afternoon
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville
The Jaguars won a game last week! That's such an unexpected phrase that it should be said with the same inflection as, "Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight!" So can they make it two in a row? Perhaps, but I'll have to crane my neck to find out because it'll be on ... (all together) ... The corner screen at the Shack! (Wow, thanks for joining in on that with me guys, I can really feel this gimmick gaining traction) The Bengals D looked unimpressive again last week, but they managed to squirm away with their 2nd win, those scumbags. If it's sort of broke, yet still functional don't fix it.
Bengals 30-23
Miami @ Arizona
As I'm sure you've heard by now, the Cardinals are 3-0. And if you haven't heard you need to spend more time at the water cooler bro. The Cards are being discussed non-stop by casual fans, it's pretty much all that people are talking about in regards to the NFL this year. And with good reason, the Arizona defense has been dominate to this point, and they show no signs of letting up. Of course, I haven't been watching them practice, so it's entirely possible that they've been showing signs of letting up all week, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt here.
Cardinals 23-13
Oakland @ Denver
I was really excited that the main guy from Detroit Rock City got his first win as coach of the Raiders. It was one of those classic early season Oakland shootouts that seem surreal because of the non-stop action and the fact that there's a pitcher's mound on the field. Meanwhile Peyton Manning has made a habit of launching furious 4th quarter comebacks after digging himself giant holes to start off the game. Manning is hoping for a more regular performance this week, and I think he'll get just that.
Broncos 35-21
New Orleans @ Green Bay
Obviously the Packers' main weakness is defending the deep ball, which is something that Drew Brees could certainly exploit. Unfortunately, the Saints' main weakness so far this season has been winning games, which could prove detrimental to them as the season wears on. It seems obvious to pick a shootout in this one, and the 2012 season has been nothing if not obvious. I see this one ending with Green Bay getting a late stop for once, they're due.
Packers 38-33
Washington @ Tampa Bay
So the Bucs were again faced with an end of game situation in which they were within a possession, and the other team was kneeling on the ball to run out the clock, and what did Greg Schiano decide to do? The exact same thing he did against the Giants in Week 2, bull rush the Center in an attempt to cause a fumble. And ya know what? I loved it. Some folks were in up in arms the first time around but Schiano stuck to his guns and came out guns blazing (and yes, the guns that he stuck to and the guns that he blazed were the very same guns). I'm sold on this guy's 'tude.
Buccaneers 27-20
Sunday Night
New York Giants @ Philadelphia
The Eagles have beaten the Giants in 6 of their last 7 meetings, but New York has won 5 straight road games (including the playoffs), so clearly something has to give. After the Giants came out and dominated Carolina last week, and the Eagles offense looked lost against Arizona it would seem logical to pick New York. But like I said last time, my new strategy with the Giants is to go against my initial inclination, call it the Costanza Theorem (unless somebody's already used that).
Eagles 28-27
Monday Night
Dallas @ Chicago
Both teams come into this game with 2-1 records and a boatload of question marks (Fun Fact that isn't true: "Boatload of Question Marks" was the title of the DC comic book Batman, issue #81, in which the Riddler rigs a yacht filled with puzzles for the Caped Crusader to solve; it's known among fanboys as the second worst issue in the book's history). But instead of focusing on the actual teams participating in this game I'd like to take issue with the announcing team that will be covering it. We've all witnessed the nasty smear campaign that ESPN and the rest of the sports media has launched this week against those poor replacement referees that were only doing their best during last week's Monday Night game. Of course, the criticism originated with the announcers on the scene, Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden. They treated the touchdown call as something of a national tragedy (Gruden actually used the word "tragic" at one point). Ok, so they thought it was clearly an interception ... or did they!? Listen to Tirico's original call of the play here. At the :28 mark he says, "...Simultaneous ..." So, right when the play happened, Tirico saw the same thing as the refs on the field. Those who live in glass announcing booths should not throw stones.
Bears 16-13
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