NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Indianapolis

The Seahawks looked like the computer in a game of Madden last week. Whoever was controlling the Texans had it set to Pro (or even Rookie) for about the first three quarters, then got cocky and turned it up to All-Madden. Big mistake hot shot. Needless to say that kid broke his controller at the end of the game and now his mom has hidden the Playstation for what she says will be two weeks, but I'll will be 10 days once she cracks under relentless pleading. Andrew Luck probably never played Madden growing up (nerd) so he's likely become very confused reading this; a confusion that promises to last all through Sunday with the Hawks' D out to prove a point after giving up 300+ pass yards for the first time in 13 games.

Seahawks 24-17


New Orleans @ Chicago

This is one of a number of intriguing 10am match-ups, made possible by the fact that the bye week party is taking place in Sucktown and the Vikings, Steelers, Buccaneers, and Redskins are invited. Trimming the fat has left us with some top notch games, which is exactly what we have here. The Saints' offense appears to have become fully operational after their blowout win over Miami; while the Bears looked like who we thought they were in a turnover-riddled performance against Detroit. I expect Drew Brees to stay hot, or at least warm enough, while facing a Bears D that has shown that it's more than willing to give up yards in bunches.

Saints 30-23


New England @ Cincinnati

It's become clear that the Bengals are a much worse team away from home. That's pathetic. I have no respect or sympathy for teams who can't perform at the same level no matter the circumstances. But the good news for Cincy is that they are at home this week. The bad news is that Tom Brady is coming to town, and beside the fact that he's going to plow all the chicks in the area, he's also bringing a four game winning streak with him. Although the Bengals have shown that they can rise to the occasion on occasion. I expect them to do just that and hand the Pats their first loss.

Bengals 27-24


Detroit @ Green Bay

Coming off a bye week at 1-2, the Packers promise to be desperate for a win. At least that's what they promised me, and they better not go back on that, because when someone promises me something and doesn't follow through, I do NOT forget about it. Expect a lot of points, not just on the scoreboard but also tons of solid observations by the announce team.

Packers 35-27


Kansas City @ Tennessee

When the season started this didn't figure to be a game featuring teams with a combined 7-1 record. But, of course, when you figure you make a fig out of u and re ... hmm, that's a stupid saying. The Chiefs have already doubled their win total from last year behind a defense that's allowed just over 10 points per game. Meanwhile, the Titans are 3-1 as the result of ... well, I'm not really sure how they're 3-1, but they are, so let's all just agree to deal with it. However, with Jake Locker being gone for at least a month it's now up to Ryan Fitzpatrick to helm the ship. They say if the shoe fits, wear it. Well, if your quarterback is Fitz, you're gonna wear it.

Chiefs 20-13


Jacksonville @ St. Louis

I'm going to be out of LA this Sunday, but I think I'm going to stop by the Shack on Saturday morning, dial this game's channel up on the Corner Screen, and then place a parental lock on the box so that I'm 100% sure this one gets cornered; because if any contest in this short season has deserved it, this is the one.

Rams 31-17


Baltimore @ Miami

The Ravens learned the hard way last week that you don't just waltz into Ralph Wilson Stadium and leave with a win. Unless you try, that is, which it really didn't seem like Baltimore was doing. FlacMan let down a nation with his 5 interception performance. I'm not sure I can trust him right now, and that hurts. Damn you FlacMan, damn you for making me believe in you.

Dolphins 24-21


Philadelphia @ New York

The prophecy has come true: Chip Kelly has revolutionized the way I think about the NFL. You see, I used to think that a team that leads the league in rushing would also dominate the time of possession and therefore limit the opposition's points. But Chip and the Eagles have proven that that doesn't have to be true, by surrendering a liberal 34.5 points per game. Bravo coach Kelly for not conforming to our rigid expectations.

Giants 31-29


Sunday Afternoon

Carolina @ Arizona

It was just about 25 months ago that Cam Newton burst onto the scene at Arizona with 422 yards passing in his first game as a pro. This season he has 577 yards in his first three games combined. It's safe to say he peaked way too early. And in this game he's going to get picked way too early. And that, my friends, is what they call a mastery of the English language. If I had to guess, the reason for Newton's steady decline is that that kid from the Play 60 commercial is still in his head.

Cardinals 17-14


Denver @ Dallas

We all know Peyton Manning is putting up numbers at a record pace through the first quarter of the season, but now he has to travel to AT&T Stadium where the Cowboys are 19-15 all-time. Peyton's going to have a tough time continuing his hot start against a team who wins at their home stadium more than they lose ... barely. When all is said and done though, I'm betting that 15 moves to 16.

Broncos 41-31


Sunday Night

Houston @ San Francisco

Poor Matt Schaub. It's not his fault that he keeps throwing costly interceptions. I blame the coaches for putting him in those situations, and his own instincts for forcing him to make ill-advised throws. Given the time to actually sit back and assess the throws I'm guessing he'd be the first to tell you that they probably weren't very wise. But alas, that's rarely how football works. I'm guessing he'll have to rely on his instincts at some point again this Sunday, which probably won't turn out very well.

49ers 23-16


San Diego @ Oakland

Oakland always has to one up San Francisco. If the Niners are playing on Sunday night, then the Raiders have to play even later. Look Oakland, you're widely regarded as the superior city in the Bay Area, why do you have to rub it in every chance you get? Just for that I'm picking San Diego; not as a better city, of course, just to win this game.

Chargers 28-24


Monday Night

New York Jets @ Atlanta

The Jets have a better record than the Falcons, which goes to show that picking the outcome of games is futile. As is trying to guess the outcome of one's life. Just let it happen people. Of course, I should be the first to heed this advice, which is why I will no longer be predicting games on a weekly basis.


Just kidding. Put down the gun, or the knife, or the knife/gun (bayonet).

Falcons 27-14

NFL Picks - Week 5 Thursday

Buffalo @ Cleveland

I believe in Brian Hoyer. Is he the most talented quarterback in the league? No. Is he the most athletic? No. Does he look cool? Not really. All I know is that the man's a winner. Seriously, that's all I know, I haven't watched much of the Browns the last two weeks. Can ya blame me? It seemed like they'd given up on their own season so you can't really expect me not to give up as well. But now I'm back on board, and I look like somewhat of a savant for picking the Browns to make the playoffs (feel free to throw 'idiot' in front of savant if you want, see if I care (God I hope you don't, your opinion means everything to me)). It's a foregone conclusion that Cleveland is bound for the postseason now that they've won consecutive games and I'll be laughing all the way to the bank, because I get paid for every playoff pick I get right ... by myself ... from my own bank account ... it's a little pat on the back I give myself ... because damn it, I deserve it.

Browns 20-16

NFL Picks - Week 4

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Houston

I became genuinely perturbed toward the end of last week's game that the Hawks had given up 17 points to the Jaguars. From what it sounds like, the defense felt the same way. The Hawks' D has given up an average of 9 points per game so far, and they're not satisfied. That's an encouraging sign heading into a tough road game at Houston. The Texans laid a stinker at Baltimore last week, so I expect that this Sunday they'll be ready to go ... nowhere!

Seahawks 20-13

Baltimore @ Buffalo

The Flac attack is back! Ok, I just assumed FlacMan had a great game last week because the Ravens won 30-9. Turns out he threw for 171 yards and no touchdowns. A real workman's effort, which is exactly what I mean when I say that the Flac attack is back! This guy game manages with the best of 'em ... and sometimes the worst of 'em. Look, the point is I'm rolling with FlacMan and the Ravens on the road against the pesky Bills, who also happen to be frisky, not to mention sneaky and a little bit dastardly.

Ravens 24-20

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

Well it's official, the Browns are so bad that even when they try to lose they can't. Which actually resulted in a win. While it's a nice morale boost for the gang, it definitely throws a wrench in the works for Cleveland's rebuilding plan. If they can't figure out how to lose more effectively they'll have no shot at the #1 overall pick in the 2014 draft. Does Brian Hoyer care? Awww hell no. Home boy's got a family to feed. Full disclosure: I do not know if Mr. Hoyer has a family, or if said family would even require feeding; I can not say with full confidence that they are not some group of other worldly beings that Hoyer shelters and that do not eat in the same manner as human. That being said, I think the Browns do the job (wrestling style) this week with their intrastate rivals in town.

Bengals 27-17

Chicago @ Detroit

Jay Cutler's teammates seemed very impressed with his willingness to lower his shoulder and run over Steelers DB Robert Golden in last week's win, though I'm not sure they should be. The way I see it Cutler is simply trying to injure as many opposing players as he can every game so that the other team won't be able to field a full squad by the second half and the game will be cut short, allowing Cutler to get off the field ASAP because Jay Cutler hates football. It's really an obvious plan when you think about it. However, he'll meet his match this week as Ndamukong Suh lines up across from him. Suh has a similar "injure every other player" goal, except his is just based off of the fact that he's an asshole. I've always said when it comes to an asshole vs. apathy, take the asshole, especially if he's at home.

Lions 31-28

New York Giants @ Kansas City

The Giants officially hit rock bottom last week in a 38-0 loss to Carolina. But as we've seen before, Eli and crew are just like wild animals, in that when they're cornered they're at their most dangerous. In fact, from what I hear Eli's nickname is Wild Animal. Kind of weird seeing as how that nickname is seven letters longer than his actual name, but hey when it fits it fits. Unfortunately, I'm just not seeing that same ferocity in this year's Giants. Also their offensive line blows.

Chiefs 27-21

Arizona @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs have struggled offensively this season putting up only about 11 points per game. That number is just not high enough to win in the National Football League unless you're playing the Jags on a weekly basis. Unfortunately for Tampa the powers that be did them no favors, scheduling them to play Jacksonville zero times. Also unfortunate for the Bucs, they're starting Mike Glennon at quarterback. Yep this guy. Whoops, sorry that was Whitey from Me Myself and Irene. Here's Mike Glennon. Nope, still Whitey. Here he is. Is that a guy you'd want to listen to in a huddle? Me neither.

Cardinals 17-10

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

The Jaguars are playing a team coming off a win over the 49ers for the second week in a row. And guess what, they're playing the Rams next week, which could make it three in a row. It's apparent that the Jags are merely drafting behind the Niners, waiting for a team to experience a letdown after a big win. You have to admire their clever plan, and I'd imagine that type of gumption will be rewarded at some point. But probably not this week.

Colts 38-13

Pittsburgh @ Minnesota

Let's all hop across the pond back to foggy Londontown! The Brits get the pleasure of seeing one of these teams win their first game of the season, while their home crowds get the relief of not having to sit through another embarrassment in person. Of course, that's not to say that no residents of Pittsburgh or Minnesota will witness something embarrassing in person this Sunday, odds are high that most will. At least this week, though, they won't have to worry about it being their football team, which is what the NFL International Series is all about. There's been a lot of chatter this week about a possible Super Bowl in London. Let's think about this, unless they moved up the kick time the game would start at 11:30pm local time. So that's not going to happen. USA! Sorry suckers.

Steelers 21-20

Sunday Afternoon

New York Jets @ Tennessee

These two teams are 2-1, which is very surprising. But I think it's time to stop underestimating these squads; in fact, I don't see any reason that they can't each get to 3-1. The only thing that would keep that from happening is if they were playing each oth .... ahhhh shit, forgot about that. Ok, Titans get the lone available win.

Titans 16-13

Washington @ Oakland

The Redskins have to win a game at some point, right? Wrong. There's nothing in the NFL bylaws that say that the Redskins have to win at least one game a year, which has to be a major bummer for all the Washington fans out there. This means that the 'Skins are going to have to do this one on their own. And do it they shall, while the Raiders shalln't.

Redskins 24-21

Philadelphia @ Denver

This game promises to feature the most plays in one game in NFL history. It also promises to tie for the most players in one game in NFL history. And with Peyton Manning going up against the Eagles' porous defense even more records could fall. Expect Manning to sling it like nobody's biz. And to be honest, when Manning is slinging it this hard it really shouldn't be anybody's biz. In fact, he really should be slinging in the privacy of his own home.

Broncos 42-29

Dallas @ San Diego

Tony Romo and Philip Rivers have had parallel careers to this point. They both won starting jobs in '06. Rivers' career winning percentage is .617 with a quarterback rating of 95.1. Romo has a career winning percentage of .594 with a rating of 95.9. They're mirror images of each other. And if you look closer, this paragraph has been a mirror image of itself. That's right, it's one long palindrome. You're not actually going back and checking are you? C'mon, don't be a dick.

Chargers 27-24

Sunday Night

New England @ Atlanta

The Falcons will be desperate for a home win to get back to .500, and that's really unflattering. Seriously guys, that type of desperation is just not a good look; no one's ever going to want to come hang out and play football at your place if you keep acting like that. As it turns out, the Patriots aren't supposed to come back to Atlanta for at least a few years, so the Falcons will be able to get away with acting like turbos.

Falcons 26-23

Monday Night

Miami @ New Orleans

The Dolphins have methodically ground out consecutive wins on their way to a 3-0 start, their first since '02. Meanwhile, the Saints have rode a surprisingly impressive defense to a 3-0 start, their first since '09, which isn't very long ago, so that makes for a pretty lame stat, and now all of this explanation has made for quite the run-on sentence, but I'm not going to get down on myself because that's just not productive and if we stop being productive we die, or at least I think that's true, I wouldn't know because I never stop being productive, that's just the way I live my life you guys, on the edge, one quarter mile at a time. As solid as Miami has looked so far I would be very surprised if they got another road win in New Orleans.


Saints 24-16

NFL Picks - Week 4 Thursday

San Francisco @ St. Louis

"We want to be above reproach ..." That's a quote from Jim Harbaugh back in June in reference to player suspensions for PEDs. Apparently by "above reproach" he meant that his players (or at least the best ones) wouldn't have to face blame no matter what. At least it certainly didn't seem like much blame was being placed on Aldon Smith as he was allowed to play in last Sunday's game against the Colts about 30 hours after police found his car crashed into a tree as the result of him driving with a blood alcohol percentage of .15. In a way it's fitting that in their game with Indy the whole 49ers team looked like they were suffering a massive hangover from the week prior. I think that lack of focus, laziness, and general surly attitude continues this week. And I'm sure that after the loss Jaw Sweatshirt will have no problem finding someone else to shoulder the blame.

Rams 19-16

NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning

Green Bay @ Cincinnati

This could get interesting! Unless you're a nerd who doesn't like football, in which case, get outta here nerd! The Bengals' staunch D will face a stiff test in Aaron Rodgers and the Packers' offense. That's right, it's staunch vs. stiff, and if you're aroused you're only human. And if you're not aroused it's probably because you're a nerd and I thought I told you to get outta here! This is a chance for Cincinnati to make a statement, and that statement will most likely be, "Not quite."

Packers 28-24

St. Louis @ Dallas

The Cowboys managed to amass a measly 37 yards rushing last week while the Rams held the Falcons to only 36 on the ground. So I guess we can assume that  Dallas won't be able to do much via the run, right? Wrong! Did you not start going by that motto I gave you on Turdsday? Hmm, that's disappointing. Until I see St. Louis win a road game against a decent team I can't very well pick them to do just that. That's just one of my Ram rules.

Cowboys 24-16

San Diego @ Tennessee

Whoa Phil Rivers. I see ya, I see ya. This Rivers' still flowin' ... nope. This Rivers is wild ... nope. This Rivers is Philled with passing yards and touchdowns, 419 and 3, respectively, to be exact ... yes. All in all I'm not sure what to make of either of these teams after two weeks, so I'll go ahead and guess that the Chargers won't be able to travel cross country and win back to back 10am games.

Titans 23-20

Cleveland @ Minnesota

The Browns' offense has been constipated so far in 2013, generating only 16 points and ranking 28th in the league in total yards, and without Trent Richardson I can't imagine it getting any better. The only way they could get worse would be if they had Christian Ponder as their quarterback. The Vikings should agree to let him start for Cleveland for this game just so that America can laugh again.

Vikings 19-7

Tampa Bay @ New England

This is a contest between two teams whose locations aren't actually cities or states. Tampa is a city in Florida, but Tampa Bay isn't. And New England is some sort of spin-off from a country in the United Kingdom known as Old England. So it's very possible that this game itself will not be played in an actual location, but on a kind of meta-physical plain that can only be accessed by the truly enlightened and the NFL on Fox crew. The Patriots have been anything but impressive in their narrow wins over weaker opponents, which is exactly what the Buccaneers qualify as, so congrats Pats, you'll be a dubious 3-0!

Patriots 23-13  

Arizona @ New Orleans

The Saints' defense has played surprisingly well to start the 2013 season, surrendering an average of only 15.5 points per game. However, it might be time to note that their offense seems to be struggling at putting up their normally gaudy point totals, averaging only 19.5. What gives? I needed answers, so I contacted Drew Brees for an interview. His response was riddled with profanities and racial slurs, but from what I could gather he said there's nothing to worry about and that the points will start to pile up. Alright, hot shot, I'll take the bait.

Saints 31-17

Detroit @ Washington

The Lions have never won a game in DC. That's 0 for 21. Yikes. Is that the most losses without a win by one team in another's stadium? Probably. Didn't do the research. Sorry folks, that's kind of how I operate, I'll get you halfway there and then you have to figure out the rest (which I'm sure my ex-wife could have told you). Speaking of halves, the Redskins simply haven't shown up in the first half yet this season, giving up an average of 25 points. With another potentially potent offense coming to town it looks like things could go from bad to ugly in Washington.

Lions 38-33

New York Giants @ Carolina

The Giants' defense has been hemorrhaging points in 2013, and they're in serious need of a suture. Enter Don Suture defensive mastermind. He's the only solution to their problems, and I imagine that they'll be getting in touch with him this week. I also imagine a world without hate. But let's take it one thing at a time. Once the Giants get Don Suture on board we can move on to eliminating hate from the Earth.

Giants 24-21

Houston @ Baltimore

These are two potential playoff teams that have both looked fairly shaky so far. So shaky that we might as well call this the Earthquake Bowl! That was a test, if you just got on board with calling it the Earthquake Bowl well then seriously, get outta here nerd! I want to pick both of these teams and neither of them at the same time, so I'll take a chance on Houston.

Texans 20-17

Sunday Afternoon

Atlanta @ Miami

Back in 2010 the Dolphins opened the season with consecutive wins on the road just as they have this year. Early in that 2010 season I developed a theory that the Dolphins played much better on the road because they partied way too hard when they were in Miami and because Sun Life Stadium is quieter than Anquan Boldin in Week 2. Well I'm dusting off that old idea and using it once again. I say a hungover Dolphins squad falls short against the teetotalers from Atlanta.

Falcons 23-18

Buffalo @ New York Jets

In this battle of rookie QBs you'd have to give the edge to EJ Manuel over Geno Smith, mainly because he's playing better. But did you consider that the Jets are 4th against the pass at the moment? I didn't think so. And did you take into account that that includes a road game against Tom Brady? Did you even research this match-up? I expect a low-scoring affair, which promises to be pretty lame, because if you're going to have an affair there ought to be a lot of scoring ... Zing! I expect the Bills to pull it out in the end, which is also something you ought to do in an affair.

Bills 10-9

Indianapolis @ San Francisco

The Niners figure to play much better this week, because they're not playing the Seahawks. Though, I shouldn't poke too much fun at San Francisco, as I greatly underestimated them last week. You see, I predicted they'd score 0 points and they ended up with 3. Lesson learned, I shan't sell you short again lads. Trent Richardson should provide a boost for the Colts, but it likely won't be enough because, again, the Colts are not the Seahawks.

49ers 27-13

Jacksonville @ Seattle

The Jaguars' offense is last in the NFL in yards and points. The Seahawks' defense is first in the NFL in yards and points against. In other words, nothing's gotta give.

Seahawks 31-0

Sunday Night

Chicago @ Pittsburgh

I'm still trying to figure out why I picked the Steelers to make the playoffs. They're 0-2, having managed only 19 points and 75 rushing yards total. In other words these are not your father's Steelers, they're not even the younger you Steelers, I'm not sure whose Steelers they are. I'm guessing they saw my playoff prediction and got overconfident as a result, leading to their shoddy play so far and thus having the effect that I desired all along. That's right Pittsburgh, I screwed ya, and it's too late to do anything about it, the season's almost 13% over. Hahahaha!

Bears 17-14

Monday Night

Oakland @ Denver

When and why did ESPN decide to put the Raiders on Monday Night Football? At that point they must have thought that Matt Flynn was going to be the starter in Oakland. Man do I feel sorry for them, they thought the ratings were going to get that Flynn juice, but now they're stuck with the much less exciting Terrelle Pryor. Not to mention Peyton "Snoozefest" Manning. I know what you're thinking, "How could Manning possibly be boring? He's on pace to throw for 72 touchdowns, which would shatter the current single season record!" To which I would say Get. Outta. Here. NERD!!!


Broncos 38-21

NFL Picks - Week 3 Thursday

Kansas City @ Philadelphia

Much like a migratory bird in the Spring, the man-walrus that is Andy Reid is returning home this Thursday. From what I've seen in the first two weeks of the season he's been sharpening his tusks in preparation (and from what I hear he's going to chop them off after the season and use them for a sick baby grand piano). As solid as the Chiefs look I think the Eagles will get the job done in their home opener. And the"job" that they'll get done is losing. Alright, just goofing, but the point is that you can never relax when reading these posts. Assume nothing, absorb everything. You can have that motto now, it's yours, happy Turdsday everybody! (You can't have that one, that's mine for keeps).

Eagles 27-23

NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

St. Louis @ Atlanta

I'm not sure what we learned about the Rams in their 27-24 win over the Cardinals last week except for the fact that they have found their tight end! Finally the endless TV coverage can stop. Too many times I've seen "When will the Rams find their Tight End?" lead off the Coors Light Six-Pack of questions on Sportscenter. But not anymore. Now they can move on to more important queries like "What will Tim Tebow's legacy be?" The Falcons are in need of a win because it's Week 2 and if they lose here they're 0-2. And what about their other 14 games? Will they win ANY of those? You tell me! It's a slippery slope. Scared yet Atlanta? 

Falcons 27-17

Carolina @ Buffalo

In Week 1 we learned that the Panthers may be one of the best teams in the league as they were able to actually stay competitive with the Seahawks. The Bills didn't look like slouches either, managing to take the Patriots down to the wire. So what we have here are two teams that are almost good enough to win which could mean we're headed towards the first double loss in NFL history. Wouldn't that be a nightmare for the league? You can rest assured it would light up the Coors Light Six-Pack of questions, hell they might even have enough for an eighteener. The odds of it actually happening are low though, so I'll stick with a more conventional pick.

Panthers 20-17

Minnesota @ Chicago

A lot of people say that Christian Ponder sucks, but I'd say that he blows. Though, I can't really disagree with anyone who does think he sucks. Let's just all agree that he's heinous and that the Vikings would be better off with a different QB, one that scores a touchdown on every play. With someone like that under center they'd be pretty unstoppable. However, unless they find that guy (or girl; I'm nothing if not progressive when it comes to women getting the same opportunities as men; that being said, I definitely wouldn't pay a female quarterback as much) before Sunday I think they'll be in trouble.

Bears 23-16

Washington @ Green Bay

You guys ready to be 0-2? No? Well tough shit, because one of you has to be after this game; unless you tie. Aww man, you're gonna tie now just to make me look like an asshole aren't you? Fine do it, see what I care! Psst ... hey Packers, just tell the Redskins you're going to tie and then go out and score as many points as you possibly can, I'm pretty sure that's what the Eagles did last week.

Packers 31-23

Miami @ Indianapolis

The Colts nearly lost a home game to the Raiders. Even the Raiders were like, "Seriously?" Maybe it was an elaborate goof, but if you play with fire in this league you're gonna get burned. Of course I'm excluding from that statement the master technicians that arrange fireworks displays for all 32 teams every season, those artisans are far too professional to ever let an injury occur on their watch, but that goes without saying. As for Indy, I think they feel the heat for real this week. Yes, I know that they play in a temperature controlled indoor stadium. And yes, I know that the Miami team in this game isn't the Heat, but they're going to lose, just deal with it.

Dolphins 24-23

Dallas @ Kansas City

The Cowboys gave up the most points of any winning team in Week 1, while the Chiefs gave up the least. What does this mean? Well, probably just that the Chiefs were playing the Jaguars. But you have to appreciate the style in which they won, surrendering only the ever-hilarious point total of 2. The Chiefs were a trendy pick to make the playoffs this season, but not by me. I did pick them to make the playoffs last year, which makes me kind of a hipster right? I was ahead of the trend. Although they proceeded to win only 2 games so maybe I'm just an idiot. I think they'll manage to get another W this week, because a loss would mean that Dallas played well two weeks in a row, which hasn't happened since 1996.

Chiefs 26-24

Cleveland @ Baltimore

Raise your hand if you're an AFC North team that won last week ... Crickets yo! That's right, they're all 0-1 ... and I predicted three of them to make the playoffs ... including the Browns ... whose quarterback is Brandon Weeden. Why didn't anybody remind me of that!? Now I look like a real moron, like a guy who couldn't graduate from college until he was 27.

Ravens 20-14

Tennessee @ Houston

The Titans come into this game 1-0 despite amassing only 229 total yards against Pittsburgh in Week 1. If they think they can do the same in Houston and come away with a win, they'll have a problem. Yes! I did it! I've included the most hackneyed movie reference re-purposed for use in a sports context ever! I'd love to take credit for it but every other writer in the world did it before me. Seriously though, if their offense is that weak again they won't manage to get the win this time.

Texans 27-15

San Diego @ Philadelphia

The Eagles are operating at light speed in Chip Kelly's offense. It seems like that would be exciting to watch, but it actually makes for a strange viewing experience because their offense just appears as a beam of light and you really can't tell what's going on. The referees are left to merely guess at how many points they're scoring. The actual number could be infinite.

Eagles 34-24

Sunday Afternoon

Detroit @ Arizona

In response to the record $100,000 fine levied against him by the league for his superfluous block in the Lions win over Minnesota Ndamukong Suh says that he'll continue to play "blue-collar football." Good for you Ndamukong. Don't let these ivory tower fat-cats tell you not to be an asshole. You just drive your ol' beat up Chevy down to the ballfield and do what you do best: stomp losers and kick dicks.

Cardinals 28-26

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs had perhaps the most painful loss of Week 1, falling to a last second field goal that was made possible by linebacker Lavonte David's late hit on Jets' QB Geno Smith. Most people are lambasting David for his bonehead play, but I actually think he did the right thing. You can't just let that young quarterback scamper out of bounds without paying the price. Welcome to the NFL rook! Don't nothing come easy in this league ... except for your first win now that I've shoved you to the ground while outside the field of play. The Saints defense looked competent in their win over Atlanta, which means it will look great against Tampa.

Saints 28-16

Jacksonville @ Oakland

It's possible that the Raiders are one of the worst teams in the NFL, but it's an absolute fact that the Jaguars are. A win for Jacksonville here would flip the bottom of the league on its ear, sending shock waves reverberating throughout the nation. A win for the Raiders would elicit a shrug from millions. Well, start you shrugging practice football fans!

Raiders 22-16

Denver @ New York Giants

Manning vs. Manning. Or as it's said in Latin: Manoing e Manoing. Or as it's said in pig Latin: Anningmay ersusvay Anningmay. Or as it's said in pig: OINK! vs. OINK! The point is whether you're man, beast, or speaker of a dead language you'll be tuning in to this game. It makes you wonder why it's not scheduled for Sunday night. What monumental, history-shaping event could possibly be a more desirable match-up?

Broncos 31-28

Sunday Night

San Francisco @ Seattle

AAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA!!! That's the sound I'll be making before every 49ers snap on Sunday, but it's also been the only thought running through my head this week (making it very difficult to write this post). One can only wonder what Jaw Sweatshirt will be whining about after this game, but rest assured it will be something, as he's been making a habit of doing just that. If I had to guess he'll be petitioning the city of Seattle for a new pair of pants after messes them due to the noise, the Boom, and the Beast (and also Russell Wilson).

Seahawks 24-0

Monday Night

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

Why is there even a Monday Night game this week? You don't book another fight after the main event (unless you're Paul Heyman).


Bengals 20-13

NFL Picks - Week 2 Thursday

Thursday Night

New York Jets @ New England

Both of these teams won in Week 1 by the skin of their teeth. Ever since Rex Ryan got gastric bypass surgery he's had a lot of extra, loose skin on his teeth, which everybody agrees is pretty gross, but it makes getting victories that way much easier. While the Jets will gladly accept a win in any fashion, the Patriots' last-second escape at Buffalo had to be discouraging for Tom Brady & Co. Co, of course, being Tom's rambunctious 9 year-old sidekick that travels with him everywhere he goes. Yet as disappointed as Tom Brady & Co must have been, New England is still 1-0, and I have no doubt that Co will rouse Tom with one of his famous speeches before the game on Thursday, leading to an inspired performance.

Patriots 24-13

NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Carolina

Let's get it started, let's get it started in here! Why try to put it into my own words when the Black Eyed Peas said it so eloquently (after some light research I found out that the uncensored version says, "get retarded," which just disgusts me as a serious journalist; also it doesn't kick off the season in such a totally sick way!) As we all know my weekly Hawks picks are sort of academic since I always think they'll win, but who knows, maybe this will be the season that I'll do something shocking (Editor's note: Nope!)

Seahawks 23-13

New England @ Buffalo

Due to a rash of injuries and front-office ineptitude the Bills were almost forced to start Jeff Tuel in their opener against the Patriots. Which begs the question, was everybody else busy? Just kidding Coug fans! Sort of. But Buffalo fans breathed a sigh of relief when it was announced earlier in the week that E.J. Manuel would be available to start. Congratulations (question mark).

Patriots 38-17

Cincinnati @ Chicago

A lot of folks are expecting big things from the Bengals this season, but then again a lot of people are idiots, so it's really anybody's guess. Personally, I think they'll win the AFC North and win this opener against the Bears who have a new coach that was in charge of a hockey team at this time last year. And before you say anything, no I did not double-check that, but isn't that part of what makes these the most trustworthy picks on the web? (Didn't double-check that either)

Bengals 20-17

Miami @ Cleveland

These are two squads that a lot of people think might surprise a lot of people, though if a lot of people think that will it really be that surprising when they surprise people? Surprisingly, I say yes!

Browns 24-20

Atlanta @ New Orleans

A huge NFC South match-up to start off the season ... is a phrase that normally elicits yawns across the well-educated region of the country, however, this game should be one of the more entertaining tilts in Week 1. Sean Payton returns to the sideline and I have to imagine that after a full year away his message to his team will be, "Kill the fucking head! Whoever knocks out Ryan gets a Porsche." Intimidated yet Falcons?

Saints 35-32

Tampa Bay @ New York Jets

This game should be played on Revis Island! Am I right everybody!? Of course I'm just kidding, as we all know the stadium construction on Revis Island won't be completed until Summer 2015; though from what I hear that might be a generous estimate. Can you say, "Labor issues?" I know my ex-wife can! She's in the stirrups all, "You did this to me!" And I'm like, "Oh, I made you into a crazy bitch?" I don't think she got the joke because it only seemed to piss her off more, that's when I knew it was over. I'll take Tampa.

Buccaneers 20-12

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers haven't missed the playoffs in consecutive years since the '99/'00 seasons, so after failing to qualify for the postseason last year it would only make sense for them to come back strong. And with that I've accomplished my preseason goal of including since and sense in the same sentence. Might just call it a year now.

Steelers 28-14

Minnesota @ Detroit

It's a bit hard to judge these teams coming into the season, especially for me because I don't judge anybody. Like when I look at a team I don't even see what color their uniforms are, to me that's not what defines a team. The Lions had a gigantic letdown of a season in 2012, while the Vikings shocked everyone with a run to the playoffs. I'm guessing that these teams will meet in the middle this year, and since they're both even it would make sense that my pick is the home team.

Lions 30-23

Oakland @ Indianapolis

Matt Flynn has now lost a presumed starting quarterback job to a young upstart in consecutive seasons. He's basically become a wrestling jobber. They bring him in and the young guy with promise looks much better by comparison. Also, when the starting quarterback gets introduced with fireworks and entrance music Flynn is already out on the field with a jacket on, in true jobber fashion. Speaking of jobbers, it looks like the Raiders' record might be akin to that of a Pez Whatley or a Brooklyn Brawler by the end of the season.

Colts 34-17

Kansas City @ Jacksonville

These teams selected first and second in this year's NFL draft, meaning they were the worst teams in the league. Consequently, a match-up between the two should be relegated to the worst screen at every bar across the country. And I think you know what that means ... we're sending it to the CORNER SCREEN AT THE SHACK! But curious viewers wanting to get a look at the Eric Fisher/Luke Joeckel match-up will most likely provide a healthy ratings bump.

Chiefs 21-16

Sunday Afternoon

Arizona @ St. Louis

It was clear after last year's quarterbacking debacle in Arizona that any replacement would be an upgrade at the position. Then the Cardinals signed Carson Palmer and things became, well, less clear. In all honesty, Palmer is an improvement from what they had last year, he's just not a long-term fix. He's also not a quick fix. Nor is he quick in terms of actual foot-speed, but he was available, so now he's the starting quarterback of the Arizona Cardinals. If the Rams fancy themselves as a playoff contender this has to be a win.

Rams 26-17

Green Bay @ San Francisco

Last season in the Divisional round, Colin Kaepernick shredded the Packers' defense for 181 yards rushing and alerted the nation to just how big of a douche he is with repeated kisses to his biceps. Green Bay clearly had to rethink their defensive strategy in preparation for this game, and from what I hear they've come up with something pretty creative. Apparently they're planting extra hat vendors to roam throughout the stadium with caps from every team in the league. The theory being that Kaepernick will be distracted by all the "fresh" colors that could potentially match his garish outfits. With all of that running through his head he'll have a tough time replicating his past efforts. San Francisco will most likely do enough to pull out the W though.

49ers 27-24

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Dallas

I was wondering where all that sexy NFC East action was in Week 1, but I should have known that both intra-divisional match-ups would be featured in primetime. It's Eli vs. Romo in a ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Giants 31-28

Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Washington

Is RG3's knee healthy? What will the Eagles' offense look like with Chip Kelly at the helm? Are rhetorical questions the best way to create intrigue? Find out the answers to all that and more at a special 3:55PT start time!

Redskins 24-19

Houston @ San Diego

It's always fun to root against a turbo go-hard like Philip Rivers, though this may be the year in which it just becomes sad. The Chargers promise to be pretty lousy, and I fear that by the end of the season Phil will have lost that competitive fire that made him oh so hateable in the past. Step one will be a lackluster performance on a Monday night. We might as well start calling him Josh Radnor. Ooh, sorry Radnor, I just had to burn ya.

Texans 27-13

NFL Picks - Week 1 Thursday

Baltimore @ Denver

The season kicks off with a rematch of a Divisional Round double overtime classic in which Rahim Moore found out how far Joe"Flac Man" Flacco can throw a football; which turned out to be about two yards farther than Moore originally thought. Normally the defending Super Bowl champs get to open the season at home, but due to a scheduling conflict with their parking lot partner Orioles, the Ravens are forced to start on the road. It's cute that MLB would stand up to the NFL like this, it reminds me of when a small dog barks and nips at a big dog's heels until the big dog eventually just leaves out of exasperation. In those situations I'm always hoping that the big dog will just step on the little one and poop on it's head, which I'm guessing Roger Goodell could do to Bud Selig if he wanted to (now please take a moment to picture in your heads Roger Goodell holding Bud Selig down and pooping on him). But the NFL decided to let MLB have its way, so the Ravens are stuck with a trip to Denver. I expect Baltimore to stumble this season without Ray Lewis frightening the defense into playing well. Peyton Manning is still in Denver and capable of frightening his offense into playing well, so advantage Broncos.

Broncos 27-20

NFL Preview

Hello. It's good to see you (all?) again. I trust that everybody's rested and ready for another long season of puns, retread goofs, and picks that you can trust just over 60% of the time. There hasn't been a game that mattered since January 13th, at which point I was acting a lot like this kid, until I'm pretty sure I blacked out, because I don't seem to remember the very end of the it.

The point is that we haven't had football in quite a while, so let's shake off the rust by giving out a few awards for the offseason:

Most blatantly homosexual comment in all of sports:

WINNER: "Just an Adonis. A great physical specimen of a man. Our creator created a beautiful man."

- Jim Harbaugh, describing a discus thrower that the 49ers signed to play football.

RUNNER UP: "I'm gay." - Jason Collins

Best potential nickname based on a TNT show:

WINNER: The Packers drafted running backs Jonathan Franklin and Eddie Lacy back in April. With Lacy being a more bruising, power back, I hereby submit that this duo should be known as Franklin & Bash.

RUNNER UP: I've heard that the Houston Texans offensive line refers to themselves as Leverage.

Worst Thing:

WINNER: The Jaguars new uniforms. It's not just the two-tone helmets, the jerseys and pants are awful as well. It looks like someone was trying out "Create-A-Uniform" on Madden and got way too far down the rabbit hole with all of the new features. However, on Madden you can simply realize the mistakes you've made and just choose not to save; as for the Jags, they have to reap what they've sewn. Well, they didn't actually sew them, I'm sure they have someone else who does that, but you get what I mean, right?

RUNNER UP: Murder

And now here's how every team will finish, so if you fall asleep for the next four months and miss the whole season don't worry, you'll already know what's going to happen.
 

AFC

East

New England Patriots  11-5

Miami Dolphins  8-8

Buffalo Bills  5-11

New York Jets  3-13

North

Cincinnati Bengals  11-5

Pittsburgh Steelers  10-6

Cleveland Browns  9-7

Baltimore Ravens  8-8

South

Houston Texans  10-6

Indianapolis Colts  8-8

Tennessee Titans  6-10

Jacksonville Jaguars  3-13

West

Denver Broncos  12-4

Kansas City Chiefs  7-9

San Diego Chargers  6-10

Oakland Raiders  2-14

NFC

East

New York Giants  10-6

Washington Redskins  8-8

Dallas Cowboys  7-9

Philadelphia Eagles  6-10

North

Green Bay Packers 11-5

Chicago Bears 8-8

Detroit Lions 7-9

Minnesota Vikings 5-11

South

Atlanta Falcons  11-5

New Orleans Saints  10-6

Tampa Bay Buccaneers  7-9

Carolina Panthers  7-9

West

Seattle Seahawks  16-0

San Francisco 49ers  10-6

St. Louis Rams  8-8

Arizona Cardinals  6-10

If you ask me, the AFC is the much weaker conference this season. Though if you ask Karl Marx he'd say both the conferences are equal. So really, who's to say? As you can see I'm envisioning a fall from grace for the Super Bowl champion Ravens, who i predict to finish behind the SURPRISE! Cleveland Browns. The Colts scored 30 points less than their opponents last season and managed to go 11-5. Well not this time scumbags! They'll fall back to the pack. The "pack" like the Packers? You just said with a stupid look on your face. No, not the Packers, they'll stay at 11-5. The Saints will rebound to make the playoffs now that they aren't starting the season with a double interim coach. As for the Hawks, well you must have never read anything I've written before. If that's the case, consider yourself lucky and get out now, but for those of you who I've already got my hooks into, let's take a look at how the playoffs will shake out:

AFC Wild Card

New England over Cleveland

Pittsburgh over Houston

AFC Divisional

Denver over Pittsburgh

New England over Cincinnati

AFC Championship

Denver over New England

NFC Wild Card

San Francisco over New York

New Orleans over Atlanta

NFC Divisional

Seattle over New Orleans

San Francisco over Green Bay

NFC Championship

Seattle over San Francisco

Super Bowl

Seattle over Denver

We did it! Or rather, we're going to do it. Can't wait gang. Seriously, it's going to be pretty great.

Finally, The Mock has come back to H....C....M

Just over 4 hours now until the 2013 NFL Draft is underway.  What better time than now to unveil my first and only Mock Draft?

Well, here it is:

1.       Kansas City Chiefs – Eric Fisher, T, Central Michigan

2.       Jacksonville Jaguars – Dion Jordan, DE/OLB, Oregon

3.       Oakland Raiders – Luke Joeckel, T, Texas A&M (I think they could trade this pick away to someone looking to come up and get Joeckel before the Eagles)

4.       Philadelphia Eagles – Lane Johnson, T, Oklahoma

5.       Detroit Lions – Ezekiel Ansah, DE, BYU

6.       Cleveland Browns – Barkevious Mingo, DE/OLB, LSU

7.       Arizona Cardinals – Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah

8.       Buffalo Bills – Jonathan Cooper, G, UNC

9.       New York Jets – Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia

10.   Tennessee Titans – Sharrif Floyd, DT, Florida

11.   San Diego Chargers – Chance Warmack, G, Alabama

12.   Miami Dolphins – DJ Fluker, T, Alabama (this would change if the trade for Albert goes through)

13.   New York Jets – Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama (could fall further because of medical issues)

14.   Carolina Panthers – Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri

15.   New Orleans Saints – Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas

16.   St. Louis Rams – Alec Ogletree, LB, Georgia

17.   Pittsburgh Steelers – Jarvis Jones, LB, Georgia

18.   Dallas Cowboys – Sylvester Williams, DT, UNC

19.   New York Giants – Xavier Rhodes, CB, FSU

20.   Chicago Bears – Tyler Eiffert, TE, Notre Dame

21.   Cincinnati Bengals – Matt Elam, S, Florida

22.   St. Louis Rams – Justin Hunter, WR, Tennessee

23.   Minnesota Vikings – Manti Te’o, LB, Notre Dame

24.   Indianapolis Colts – DJ Hayden, CB, Houston

25.   Minnesota Vikings – Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee

26.   Green Bay Packers – Justin Pugh, T, Syracuse

27.   Houston Texans – DeAndre Hopkins, WR, Clemson

28.   Denver Broncos – Tank Carradine, DE, FSU

29.   New England Patriots – Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington

30.   Atlanta Falcons – Bjoern Werner, DE, FSU

31.   San Francisco 49ers – Datone Jones, DE/DT, UCLA

32.   Baltimore Ravens – Eric Reid, S, LSU.

New Draft Eve

We are just over 24 hours away from the start of the 2013 NFL Draft.  And this draft seems like it has more uncertainty at the top than any in recent memory.  The first pick still hasn't been locked down and although most people think it will be Luke Joeckel there's a chance the Chiefs will look elsewhere.  This uncertainty is probably a result of no player really standing out as the elite player at their position.  There is debate about almost every position.  So even though the Seahawks don't have a first round pick, I think there are plenty of interesting storylines.  There are a few topics in particular that interest me.

Are any of these QBs any good?
It seems like people are talking themselves into all of the QB prospects.  Geno Smith has talent, but he would have clearly been the #4 prospect in last year's draft (and #5 in a redraft).  There's talk of Ryan Nassib going #8 to Buffalo because his old coach is there.  I would say this is a huge mistake, but Miami did a similar thing last year with Tannehill and it worked (thought it would be a terrible move at the time).  I just don't see any of these guys being the franchise QB like Russell Wilson or even at the level of an Andrew Luck or a Robert Griffith III.

Does Manti Te'o get fooled by mock drafts?
I would really like this questioned answered.  Do you think he sees Kiper's mock and then runs out of his room shouting to his family about how he just got drafted by the Vikings?  And then the next day reads McShay's and wonders why the Bears were now able to draft him?  This poor guy might have been very confused over the past month.

Three intriguing question marks
I'm very interested to see where the following three players are drafted: DJ Hayden (CB, Houston), Tyrann Mathieu (CB, LSU) and Marcus Lattimore (RB, South Carolina).

Hayden is back to being considered a Round 1 CB after having a freak, life-threatening injury in practice.  Back in November he had a major blood vessel tear in his chest.  The injury is usually seen in car crash victims and it has an over 95% fatality rate.  He has a clean bill of health and ran a great 40 at his pro day (some report 4.4 some say 4.3).  Mayock saw enough to put him back as his #1 CB based on the tape and his improved health.  Still, he hasn't been in pads and on the field since that injury.  He might have the skills, but there's no way of telling if this kid is really ready to go out and starting hitting people again.  Not sure how the fact that he almost died wouldn't be in the back of his mind every time he goes in to make a tackle.  But, if a team is convinced it's not an issue than he will likely go in the Top 20.

Tyrann Mathieu's story is probably better-known because of his high-profile troubles at LSU.  He looks to still be in good shape after a year off, but there's bound to be some rust.  He was never the best cover corner and nothing has changed there.  He probably wouldn't have been a first rounder even if he had played.  But, the guy is clearly a playmaker.  He can help in the return game and his ability to cause turnovers, specifically forcing fumbles, is enough to keep in the late-2nd to early-3rd discussion.  My biggest concern with him is that, by sitting out a year, his nickname has become severely dated.  Nobody gives a shit about the Honey Badger video anymore, so keeping that nickname would be stupid.  He needs to adopt a new nickname to convey his reckless play such as Wheat Thins Puppet or Cunt Punter (hope you guys have read the sorority girl rant letter or watched the Michael Shannon reading of it).

Before Kevin Ware got a leg up on him, Marcus Lattimore was owned the title of "Most Gruesomely Injured Collegiate Athlete of 2012-13."  Lattimore suffered an awful knee injury that ended his season (also tore his ACL in 2011).  When healthy, Lattimore was one of the more effective backs in the nation and he was doing it against top-notch SEC defenses.  By all accounts he will not be able to contribute significantly in 2013.  With that in mind, it will be interesting to see who takes him based on the hope that he can regain his form (or even come back better like Adrian Peterson).  My fear is that the 49ers, who have roughly 43 picks in this year's draft, will spend one on him in the late 3rd round (it would be there 5th pick already).  They don't have too many holes to fill on their roster, so they can take a chance on him and place him on IR for a year.  Gore is winding down his career (hopefully) and they can start grooming Lattimore to replace him.  My hope is that this will jinx it and make this scenario not happen.  

Check back later tonight or, more likely, early tomorrow morning for the official HCM 2013 Mock Draft.  And remember to follow the site and Twitter tomorrow for all the breaking news and rumors.

"Mock" Draft

Let me start by apologizing to all the Mustacheers who rely on the site for all draft-related news and content.  The coverage has been a bit sparse this year if not non-existent.  Some say the lack of coverage this year is due to the fact that the "blue-chip" prospects are really boring.  Others say it's due to the fact that the Seahawks don't have a first round pick.  While other, better-informed sources claim it's because I forgot my login and password.  Whatever the reason, the 2013 NFL Draft is only three weeks away and it's time to get the HCM boards a buzzin.  And don't forget that I'm the draft genius that just last year in the draft day running commentary gave such great insights as, and I quote, "I like it. Wagner looks good (maybe)" and "I like Russell Wilson".  I think that solidifies my rep.  Around this time I usually debut my mock draft, but this year I'm going to give you all a draft mock.  This is where I pick apart that talking head Mel Kiper's latest projection.

Here are that joker's picks with some Vintage Pete goofs:

1.       KC – Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M

What a lazy pick.  Do your research.

2.       Jax – Ezekiel Ansah, DE, BYU

Raw DE prospects seem to be more popular these days than raw fish (aka sashimi).  Have you heard about these places?  They sell you raw fish and other uncooked stuff from the ocean.  Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?  “Let’s trick people into eating uncooked food and we won’t even have to pay for an oven or grill.  Say it’s from a different country and we can charge more.”  Apparently they’re popular lunch spots for high-powered CEOs after their mid-morning felatio.  I bet Kiper goes to sushi restaurants and orders California rolls.  What a clown.

3.       Oak – Sharrif Floyd, DT, Florida

Not positive, but I think you goofed Mel and mocked a basketball prospect in your NFL draft.  Probably will fix it in version 3.0.

4.       Phi – Geno Smith, QB, West Va

Do you even try anymore Mel?  “Oh, Chip Kelly likes to run a quick offense, so let’s mock a guy who I think is probably an athletic QB.” It’s the 21^st (?) Century Mel.  Wake up.

5.       Det – Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama

OK, this one’s solid.

6.       Cle – Dion Jordan, OLB, Oregon

According to Mel, “Really like this fit.”  That’s the sort of thing I say when I try on a pair of Hanes boxer briefs.  Gotta try better if you’re getting paid for this Melly.

7.       Ari – Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan

Two things: one, Mayock likes Fisher more than Joeckel so you screwed up; two, you say keeping Palmer upright is the priority.  I couldn’t disagree more.  Palmer is not a long-term solution, so don’t worry about building an offense to support him.  If you think Fisher is the best player available then take him, but don’t take players to make Palmer better.  He’s there for a max 2 years.  Arizona is picking in the top 15 next year too, so take guys that you can build around.

8.       Buf – Jonathan Cooper, G, UNC

WHAT?!?  Most mock drafts this year when the first guard is taken justify it with something along the lines of “guards don’t go in the Top 10, but Chance Warmack is a special talent.”  The problem here though is that Kipey has mocked the 2^nd best guard at #8.  If you’re just being an idiot Mel you might as well mock Barkevious Mingo to the Jets at #9.

9.       NYJ – Barkevious Mingo, DE, LSU

Idiot

10.   Ten – Chance Warmack, G, Alabama

Titans must be pissed they missed out on Jonathan Cooper.

11.   SD – Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma

If I were a GM I would never draft a guy named Lane.

12.   Mia – DJ Fluker, OT, Alabama

Mel, I think you screwed up here.  You list him as an OT, but based on his name he is clearly a WR.

13.   TB – Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah

So you say he is cleared medically.  That was the only red flag about the guy.  He dropped from #1 consideration down to mid-round when heart scares came up.  If those are gone, why is he the second DT off the board?

14.   Car – Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri

Too easy

15.   NO – Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia

If you need me to tell you why this makes no sense then just stop reading.

16.   STL – Tavon Austin, WR, West Va

“The loss of Amendola leaves a void, but could even be an upgrade.”  This is a ridiculous statement.  If you don’t think you’re getting a player better than Danny Amendola at 16, then you need to select a different player.  Why do people think this little shithead Amendola is some great receiver?  He sucks.  He sucks the big one.

17.   Pit – Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame

Another quote from Kipes: “Can’t effectively be covered by anybody.” Wow.  That’s odd though because I don’t remember him catching 200 passes this year.  Oh, what’s that?  He only caught 50 passes in 2012?  And never more than 6 in one game?  Interesting.

18.   Dal – Sylvester Williams, DT, UNC

Ha, maybe as a goof.

19.   NYG – Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington

Is it just me or did he never look all that good at UW?

20.   Chi – Manti Te’o, LB, Notre Dame

If anyone had his cell number you’re basically obligated to call and pretend to be a GM saying you’re going to draft him, right?

21.   Cin – Alec Ogletree, LB, Georgia

Ugh, really?

22.   STL – Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas

Cool pick Rams.  It’s a shame he’ll never be the best Safety from Texas in the NFC West ever in his career.

23.   Min – Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tenn

Gotta handd it to Mell.  This is a goodd onne, butt I fear that this player hass too many doubble consonants in his namme to be truly successfull.

24.   Ind – Xavier Rhodes, CB, FSU

Not bad I guess since they can’t really draft a new health problem for a beloved member of the staff to rally around.

25.   Min – Kevin Minter, LB, LSU

This guy will definitely impact a game less than Percy Harvin.  Not so much a knock on Kiper as it is a chance to be happy about getting Harvin.

26.   GB – Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama

A running back to the Packers?  Do you even watch football bro?  The Packers don’t run the ball.  Waste of a pick.

27.   Hou – Robert Woods, WR, USC

Hahahahaha.  Nope.

28.   Den – DJ Hayden, CB, Houston

You made a big mistake here Mello Yello.  This is the second “DJ” you have going in the first round.  You expect me to believe that there will be more DJs selected than Steves or Barkeviouses combined??

29.   NE – Justin Hunter, WR, Ten

Yes, yes.  Nailed it.

30.   Atl – Kyle Long, OL, Oregon

This gutless worm Kiper can’t even tell us if the guy will play G or T.  Take a stand you pussy.  Quit hiding behind your hair.

31.   SF – Margus Hunt, DE, SMU

This guy’s nickname is the Eastern Block because he’s from Estonia and he had like 15 blocked kicks in his career.  Kinda cool?

32.   Bal – Jonathan Cyprien, S, Florida Intl

Way to finish strong dumbshit

Second Round Notes

·         Matt Barkley to the Jags at #33.  This isn’t so much a mock of Kiper, but a warning to any good Junior quarterbacks playing at USC.  DO NOT COME BACK FOR YOUR SENIOR SEASON.

·         Kawann Short, DT, Purdue to Minnesota at #52.  I like this guy and would love to take him at #56 if he’s there.

·         Speaking of #56, he has the Hawks going with Jonathan Hankins, DT, Ohio St.  Says he only drops this far due to depth at the position in this year’s draft. 

NFL Picks - Super Bowl XLVII

Baltimore vs. San Francisco

After a long season of middling to above average success at predicting the results of NFL games, I felt I'd be doing a disservice to all(?) of my loyal(?) reader(s) by not breaking down the Super Bowl. Also, my pick has national implications that are a bit hard to explain, but let's just say I owe it to America to give it my best effort for one more week. So let's get started, or more importantly, get this over with.

In recent years a lot has been made of the increased parity in the NFL. Personally I keep hoping that the last few weeks turn out to be a parody, like one of those fake endings to a Wayne's World movies; we'll find out it was just a goof, rewind a few weeks and get back to reality. Just in case that scenario doesn't come to fruition I decided to take a closer look at this parity deal. Here's a few things that stood out:

The 49ers have had what most would consider a good season, compiling 11 victories, including blowout wins of 34 and 42 points that would suggest that parity is a myth. However, they were also beat down by 23 at home and crushed, I mean just absolutely dominated, by 29 late in the season (video of said domination can be seen here). Meanwhile, the Ravens ran the gamut of win/loss margins to the tune of 35 and 30, respectively. So, as you can see, with such parity even the "best" teams can be beaten badly. If you ask me, a great team should never lose a game by more than seven points, but that's neither here nor there.

Parity has reared its ugly, socialist head in the Super Bowl particularly. Over the last nine years (XXXVIII - XLVI) the average margin of victory for the Super Bowl winner has been under a touchdown (6.7 points per game). In the nine preceding Super Bowls (XXIX - XXXVII) that margin was over two touchdowns (14.8 ppg). And if we want to look even nine years further back than that, Super Bowls XX - XXVIII were decided on average by over three touchdowns (22.4 ppg). So as you can see, the league's championship game is getting closer by a touchdown every decade, more or less. Clearly we're headed towards a nine year stretch in which the average margin of victory will be zero. That's right Donovan McNabb, nothing but ties!

Here's one last factoid in support of the parity argument: this is the only Super Bowl to be played following a full 16 game season in which neither of the teams has at least 12 wins.

So I suppose it's time to make my pick. I've thought long and hard about this (because, like I said before, it has national implications) and one score keeps flashing in my mind like a florescent Dirk Diggler sign, and that score is 27-20. As I explained earlier, the average point differential in the last nine Super Bowls is just about 7 points, furthermore, the average score is 26-19. So I figured I'd just normalize those scores a bit and trust mathematics, because I no longer have the capacity for emotion. So who's winning?

49ers 27-20

Pretty lame huh? What won't be lame is when the Seahawks ruin San Francisco's first night as defending champs on Thursday, September 5th. There ya go, that's like a three-tiered prediction, that should last you for the next seven months you vultures.

NFL Picks - Conference Championships

NFC

San Francisco @ Atlanta

Fuck this.      Suggested alternate viewing.

49ers 35-24


AFC

Baltimore @ New England

Don't care.     Suggested alternate viewing.

Patriots 27-24

NFL Picks - Divisional Round

Saturday

Baltimore @ Denver

Peyton Manning is back in the playoffs, look out NFL! Or don't. Three of the last four times Manning has been in the playoffs he's lost his first game, with two of those losses coming at home. So perhaps the rest of the league shouldn't look out, they should look in. The secret to conquering Peyton can only be found within oneself. However, if the Ravens don't have time for self reflection they can just heed this advice: make him throw lots of interceptions. Like at least five, ten plus if possible. If that's not possible then Baltimore could struggle. The Ravens D looked strong last week against Indianapolis, but the Colts and the Broncos are completely different animals. Well, not really, they're both horses. But I think you get my point, and that point is that colts and broncos are actually two very similar animals while the Colts and Broncos are not. You're following this right? I think Denver will have enough firepower to handle Baltimore, even if it doesn't turn out to be as lopsided as when these teams met in Week 15.

Broncos 27-17


Green Bay @ San Francisco

It's a rematch of Week 1 when the 49ers prevailed in Green Bay. A lot has changed since then. For instance, I started using an exercise ball for all of my sitting situations and my core has responded in kind. But enough about my newly shredded physique and improved balance, these teams have come a long way too. The Packers have dealt with injuries all year but are finally rounding into form, much like their coach who rounded into form years ago and has stayed round ever since. Meanwhile, the Niners have a new starting quarterback who hasn't let the luster of his new spot on the depth chart give him a big head; I mean just look at that thing, his hat size is probably 6 & 1/4. But for however many ups and downs these squads may have gone through this season they find themselves right back where they started. I see this one being closer than their first meeting, in fact, it will be closer than any playoff game ever, or at least tie for that honor.

49ers 24-23


Sunday

Seattle @ Atlanta

Matt Ryan has had a solid career so far. In his five seasons the Falcons have amassed a 56-24 record while he's thrown for nearly 19,000 yards and 127 touchdowns. There's no debating that those are solid numbers. Still, Russell Wilson has one more playoff win than he does. Ryan and the rest of the Falcons will have the weight of their past playoff failures on their shoulders Sunday, meaning that the Hawks won't need Chris Clemons to put pressure on the QB, the city of Atlanta will already be doing that. The loss of Clemons thrusts Bruce Irvin into the spotlight, which is fine because a spotlight and a searchlight are very similar, and the rookie pass rusher has some experience with the latter. A big performance from Irvin would be a bonus for the Seahawks, but the real key to the game, is their backfields, both offensive and defensive. A shutdown performance from the secondary coupled with a stampede from Russell and the Beast will propel the Hawks.

Seahawks 28-20


Houston @ New England

The Texans have become very bland. At this point everybody would appreciate it if they just left quietly, which I'm guessing is the same way everybody whose ever hung out with Matt Schaub feels. Seriously, look at this dork. It's an interesting juxtaposition with Tom Brady as his counterpart in this contest, because, as well know, Brady is the coolest guy ever. It's well documented (in several books) that the Patriots crushed the Texans 42-14 in Week 14. I expect Houston to put up a better effort in this one, I mean, with this guy rallying the troops how could they not lay it all on the line? However, even a much better effort still wouldn't be enough.

Patriots 31-21

NFL Picks - Wild Card Round

Saturday

Cincinnati @ Houston

It's the rematch America deserves, but not the one that it needs right now. So we'll watch it, because it's a playoff game, not a great game; that's why it's been relegated to the shadows of Saturday afternoon, because if this were given the primetime kickoff that would surely be a dark night (when I saw this match-up it was just screaming for a Batman reference). But seriously, this is a rematch that no one asked for. In last year's Wild Card round the Texans creamed the Bengals 31-10 with T.J. Yates at the helm. Perhaps Yates should get the start this year as well, seeing as how Matt Schaub's performance has been uninspiring for the past month (and normally Schaub inspires me to no end). Opposing defenses stumped the Schaub for most of December, as he was only able to amass one touchdown pass in the last four games. And now he heads into his first career playoff start to face an above average Cincinnati pass defense. So to be clear I have serious concerns about the Texans' offense. But I'm not crazy about the Bengals' O either. They've won seven of their last eight, but I feel like the home field advantage will help key the Texans' defense, and their effort will be the difference.

Texans 19-16


Minnesota @ Green Bay

It's the rematch America wants to see! Can the Packers respond after falling one week ago to the Vikings who were led by Adrian Peterson's virtuoso performance (not only at running back, he performed during the halftime show and cooked the postgame meal as well)? The move from the HHH MetroDome to Lambeau Field will definitely work in Green Bay's favor; the Vikings are normally protected from the elements by a roof that only occasionally collapses. I'm expecting the wind chill to make temperatures in the low teens come kickoff; I have no basis for this belief, nor have I done any research into the matter, it's just what I expect. I suppose finding out the truth would be as easy as going to weather.com and simply looking at the forecast for Green Bay, Wi at 5:30pm (Pacific, 7:30 local time) and finding the temperature; in fact, just typing this hypothetical has probably taken me longer than it would to actually do what I'm describing ... fine I'll do it! Aright, it looks like 21 degrees, so I'll probably be just about right. Good, I'm glad we got this figured out. So, to recap, the Packers are at home, and a better team, and it will be cold, so I think they'll win.

Packers 31-20


Sunday

Indianapolis @ Baltimore

Well it's January and Joe "Flac Man" Flacco is playing football, what else is new? Homeboy has made the playoffs every season he's been in the league, and what's more, he's had at least one win in every postseason. Say what you will about Flac Man (I can't believe you just said that about Flac Man!), but that's pretty impressive. Now the Ravens have an added edge with Ray Lewis's announcement that he will retire at the end of the season. You can bet that the rest of that defense will want to give him at least one more opportunity to put on the pads, unless they all secretly hate him and now they've finally been presented with a chance to end his career. If you think that's the case then bet heavily on the Colts. I, however, believe there's only about a 20% chance that that's true, so I'll go with Baltimore. Don't let me down Flac Man.

Ravens 27-22


Seattle @ Washington

Here. We. Go. A lot has been made about the similarities between these teams, but let's focus on a big difference instead. All you need to know is that the Seahawks have the 12th man, and with their crowd making noi ... what's that? It's a road game!? That's just not fair; teams with a worse record should NEVER get the home field advantage in a playoff game. Well, that will make things a bit tougher for the Hawks, of whose road struggles much has been made. But a 3-5 mark away from home isn't catastrophic, and the Redskins' 5-3 home mark is hardly dominant. Besides, in the Hawks' first four road games RussellMania was not yet running wild on the NFL. The last two times Washington has been in the playoffs ('05 & '07) they've been eliminated by the Seahawks, and I can't think of one variable that would make the result any different Sunday. Oh shit, that's right, they're on the road, I keep forgetting. While that is an important variable, the Hawks have the ultimate variable, and his name is Russell Wilson.

Seahawks 21-17