The first game of the 2016 season is a rematch of the final game of the 2015 season. The Super Bowl. Remember? Yeah, I barely do either. It was pretty lame, let's all agree to just forget it ever happened. But I guess for the sake of argument the Broncos are defending world champions and they're starting quarterback for Week 1 is ... Trevor Siemian. Oh boy, this doesn't look promising. That's not to say that Denver had stellar quarterback play in their championship run last season, but this looks to be a whole other, worse level. We could be heading towards the biggest disaster involving a Siemian since Harambe. The Broncos should still be able to handle the lesser teams on their schedule, but Carolina is not one of those lesser teams, they're a morer team.
An NFL season is a tumbling mass of combustible elements randomly crashing into each other and hurdling toward catastrophe for all but one team. Every year things happen that nobody could have predicted, things we couldn't possibly have seen coming. Or so you thought. I have seen these things, and I shall present them to you retroactively once the season is over. You're simply not ready for them right now. But I will give you a taste of what's to come. Here are 9 seemingly outrageous events that will occur during the 2016 NFL season. Hear me now and believe me later ...
-With injuries running rampant (Teddy Bridgewater) the league will finally decide to use a Prestige style cloning system to replace fallen stars. Aaron Rodgers broke a thumb? Stick him in a water tank and bring in his duplicate. Look, if Tesla figured this technology out 100+ years ago there's no reason we shouldn't be using it now.
-The Rams will go 7-9 again. This might not seem like a surprise but Jeff Fisher swears it's not going to fucking happen ok?!?
-Tom Brady will be suspended for the first four games ... in a cage above the field. If you read through the fine print on the terms of his suspension, which Tom clearly didn't, you'll see it there.
-Eric Dickerson's record will be broken. Not his rushing record, but his cherished copy of Frampton Comes Alive. It will be shattered in a dusting accident. Strangely enough it will be by Adrian Peterson.
-The Browns will go undefeated, but also winless. 16 ties. Umm, I might have to rethink this one.
-The league will be 100% concussion free, except for Ben Roethlisberger, who will suffer 22 throughout the season. Seven will come on one Sunday when he's being transported off the field and repeatedly falls off the stretcher and gets slammed into doors in a troubling, yet highly comedic fashion.
-Due to a scheduling quirk the Packers next away game after Week 2 is in Week 8. This will allow the players to spend 40 straight days in Wisconsin, which will be the most in a row for many of them. As a result a majority of the squad will develop cabin fever by the time that last game rolls around, leading to a lot of 1,000 yard stares, maniacal running, and a fear of human contact that will prove costly in a 98-0 loss to the Bears.
-Blaine Gabbert will be the 49ers starting QB and set a career high in touchdown passes with ... 13. In related news, Blaine Gabbert's current career high in touchdown passes is 12.
-By midseason Peyton Manning will get the itch to play again and convince Eli to swap places with him for a game. Despite the elder brother's belief that he's executing a cunning ruse it will be obvious to everyone watching that he's not Eli. He'll be outed immediately as he steps on the field and escorted out of the stadium shortly thereafter. It will be a pitiful scene and a stark reminder of the career mortality of even the most accomplished professional athletes. Inevitably the young men we cheer for today will eventually be confronted by the second halves of their lives with no goal line to run toward. Also, someone will dump a beer on Peyton's head when he's walking back through the tunnel, so that'll be pretty funny.
These claims might all seem outlandish to you now, but did you think the Panthers would go 15-1 last season? Exaclty, so let's not rush to judgement just yet.
But now, without further delay, let's take a look at the 2016 standings according to me. This time around with visual aides! (Playoff teams in ITALICS)
AFC North
Pittsburgh: 11-5
Cincinnati: 9-7
Baltimore: 7-9
Cleveland: 2-14
AFC South Houston: 9-6-1 Jacksonville: 9-7
Indianapolis: 8-7-1
Tennessee: 5-11
AFC East
New England: 11-5
New York Jets: 8-8
Buffalo: 8-8
Miami: 5-11
AFC West Kansas City: 11-5 Oakland: 10-6
Denver: 8-8
San Diego: 6-10
As you can see, I'm on the Raiders bandwagon with everyone else, but I'm also cruising along on the Jags-mobile, which you might assume is a Jaguar car, but it's actually far from it. Jacksonville makes the playoffs with the help of a tie between two of their divisional foes. Elsewhere, the Patriots manage an 11-5 record even with the aforementioned Brady suspension. But they'll have to crawl their way out of the Wild Card round due to some tiebreakers that I'm just assuming will work against them because "the NFL hates the Patriots!" - Every New Englander.
NFC North Green Bay: 12-4 Detroit: 9-7
Minnesota: 6-10
Chicago: 5-11
NFC South Carolina: 11-5
Atlanta: 9-7
Tampa Bay: 8-8
New Orleans: 5-11
NFC East Dallas: 9-7
New York Giants: 7-9
Washington: 6-10
Philadelphia: 4-12
NFC West Seattle: 16-0 Arizona: 11-5
St. Louis: 7-9
San Francisco: 3-13
Looks like the Hawks will cruise again. The Cowboys will keep their head above water until Romo returns and leads them to the NFC East title in a limp division. The Jim Bob Cooter experience in Detroit continues to be fruitful, and after a late season surge in 2015, the Lions get back to the playoffs in '16.
And now, the playoffs ...
AFC Wild Card Round
Oakland over Houston
New England over Jacksonville
AFC Divisional Round
New England over Kansas City
Pittsburgh over Oakland
AFC Championship
New England over Pittsburgh
NFC
NFC Wild Card Round
Dallas over Arizona
Carolina over Detroit
NFC Divisional Round
Seattle over Dallas
Carolina over Green Bay
NFC Championship
Seattle over Carolina
Super Bowl LI
Seattle over New England
MI-NI HEL-METS (CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP)
See ya next week with the return of the picks!
And if you'd like to pick along join this Pro Pick'em league on yahoo:
As I'm sure you're aware there has been a recent spate of
retirements in the NFL. Peyton Manning, Charles Woodson, Justin Tuck,
Jared Allen, and, most recently, legendary quarterback Matthew
Hasselbeck have all called it quits after long, illustrious careers. But
the two retirements that really stood out to me were those of Marshawn
Lynch and Calvin Johnson, 29 and 30 years old, respectively. With the
violent nature of the game and the increasing awareness of concussions
and their effect on the brain it's no surprise that we're seeing more and more
players end their careers while still at a young age. Having recently
turned 30 myself this has weighed heavily on my thoughts. It's with this
in mind that I formally announce my retirement from the NFL.
To
be clear, this does not mean that I will stop watching the NFL, writing
about it, or attending games. No, it simply means that my playing
career is over. Unfortunately, in a way it never truly began. I recorded the following
"audition" tape of sorts in 2008 and mailed it to all 32 teams prior to
each of the last 8 seasons:
Somewhat surprisingly I didn't get an overwhelming response. In
fact, the only team I heard back from was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but
after we were unable to come to an agreement on accommodations I was
forced to cancel my trip. I mean, I don't think a fully comped minibar
and a 2-day pass to Busch Gardens is too much to ask, but I guess some
folks just do business differently. Since then the waters have dried up
and with every passing year it becomes clearer and clearer that my best
days are behind me.
I did not come to this decision easily.
There have been plenty of sleepless nights (mostly related to my
crippling fear of potential nightmares and not my impending career
decision) and phone calls at all hours to family members who mostly told
me to "get lost" and said with stunning regularity that they didn't
care either way because they knew I would never play professional
football in any capacity. It was clear from day one that they never
believed in my dream. Well I guess I showed them ... that they were
right.
Will I miss the game? Of course. On second thought, since I never actually played, I guess I technically can't miss
it. What I will miss is watching a play on TV and saying, "You know
when I'm in the league I'll make that catch." From now on I'll only be
able to say things like, "You know if I had ever played in the league I
would have made that catch." Not all is lost though. I'm actually looking
forward to the next stage in my life. My retirement will free me up to
spend time focusing on the most important things in my life: my wife and
kids. I have neither, but now I have time to focus on finding a wife
and subsequently having said children.
I just want to
close by saying thank you to everyone out there who believed in me, you
know who you are. I don't, because nobody ever told me that personally,
but I'm confident you're out there. God bless you, God bless football, and God bless this mess (My apartment is seriously dirty; I'll probably take care of that before the wife and kids thing).
When it comes to the final game of the
season, and the Seahawks aren't involved, I like to take a look at past
Super Bowl stats and trends in an effort to glean some clues as to what
might happen this year. That way I don't have to concentrate on the fact
that the Seahawks aren't playing. So let's explore some highly
pertinent info heading into Sunday's match-up.
We'll get
started with this season's greatest running theme, my NOT Super Bowl
gimmick! This was NOT Super Bowl XL. Ten years ago Denver lost the AFC
Championship game at home to the Steelers 34-17 while Carolina lost the
NFC Title game in Seattle 34-14. Not that either team was close to
actually winning that day, but still, America was within range of a
double Jake Super Bowl: Plummer vs. Delhomme. Which also means America
was within range of imploding. Needless to say, I think things worked
out for the better. Let's move on.
There was a stretch of
19 Super Bowls (XXIX-XLVII) with only one match-up of the conferences' top
seeds. This year makes three Super Bowls in a row in which it is a 1 vs. 1 match-up. What does that mean for this game? Probably nothing ... Probably.
"Road"
teams have won the last four Super Bowls, and eight of the last nine.
In Super Bowl 50 the Panthers will be the designated road team, but the
Broncos will be wearing their road uniforms. What does this mean in
regards to the outcome on Sunday? Probably nothing ... but perhaps
everything.
12-4 is the most common regular season record
for Super Bowl winners, 10 past champs in all. The Broncos record this
season was 12-4. Does that mean they'll be number 11? Perhaps ... then
again, perhaps not.
Since the NFL was realigned into its
current 8 division format in 2002, this is the second Super Bowl
match-up between the NFC South and the AFC West. The first was Super
Bowl XXXVII, which the Buccaneers won 48-21 over the Raiders. Does this
mean the NFC South squad will win in another blowout this time around?
Could very well be ... Then again, it could not so well be.
Before
we get to my final analysis, let's hear from the best in the biz, your
favorite and mine, CriColl himself Cris Collinsworth:
Beautiful, if not ridiculous, CriColl. Obviously Peyton
Manning has been one of the two most talked about players in the weeks
leading up to this game, with many wondering if he'll ride off into the
sunset. For his sake, I hope he doesn't, because sunset in Santa Clara
will be around 5:30p, which will most likely be sometime near the start
of the 3rd quarter, meaning, if anything, he'd be riding off into the
sunset on an injury cart. Unfortunately for him, I think that scenario
is more likely than him retiring as Super Bowl champion. The Denver D
will probably keep the Broncos in the game for a half or so, but
eventually their lack of offensive firepower will catch up with them and
Carolina will pull away, and I'll feel sick ... That will probably be
from overeating, not the game, but it will be true nonetheless.
Panthers 24-10
P.S. I'll probably be posting in the offseason, so be sure to check the blog every half hour or so to see what's new.
Unfortunately
for America, and readers of this blog, Cris Collinsworth has called his
last game this season. And while I've been assured that he will return
to break down the Super Bowl for us, he has decided to take this week
off. In another stroke of bad luck, I was informed of a contractual
obligation that I had unwittingly made to a past guest of this site.
Basically I was left with no choice, so let's just get this over with.
Ladies and gentlemen here is my (mandated) Q&A session with the
color commentator for this game, Phil Simms:
Sorry
about the misunderstanding there Phil. I'd say that I'll make it up to
you next time, but I can't imagine there will ever be a next time. Then
again, I didn't read that contract, so who knows what else I'll be
forced into. As for this game, I'm going to guess that Brady will throw
about 50 passes and New England will win.
Patriots 24-20
NFC Championship
Arizona @ Carolina
I
have no interest in writing about this game, so I won't. In lieu of
actual analysis please enjoy this excerpt from a TV pilot I wrote
entitled Rogue Blogger ...
INT., HOME OFFICE, DUSK:
Derek
Hendersen sits at his desk, it is littered with writing awards. He
stares forlornly at a framed picture of a beautiful woman. She's a 9, at
least. Derek's assistant Gerald enters.
GERALD
I just got off the phone with the President, he said your
picks won him $6,000 this week. He can finally buy that rug.
DEREK
Good for him.
GERALD
How can you be so glum? You just nailed another week;
you
haven't been wrong on one game yet this season.
You've won every major
writing award in the biz, most of
them twice.
DEREK
You want 'em? Take 'em.
DEREK waves his hand at those writing awards that I mentioned earlier.
GERALD
Really?
GERALD starts to reach for the nearest award. before DEREK moves it away.
DEREK
No.
GERALD
What level of professional success will make you happy?
DEREK
I'll never quit until she notices.
DEREK touches the aforementioned picture, so we definitely know who he's talking about.
DEREK (cont.)
I have to get her back, and the only way I know how
is by picking the
scores of NFL games. None of the
other accolades matter. Don't you get
it Gerald?
GERALD
Actually it's Arthur now. I had it changed this morning.
DEREK
Really, why?
ARTHUR
You're not the only one with a past ...
DEREK
Hmm, that sounds like something interesting that
could be explored in
the weeks and months to come.
You're not as one-dimensional as somebody
might have
thought upon their first reading ... of you.
ARTHUR nods and the two sit in silence for a moment really soaking it in because there's a lot of pathos involved.
ARTHUR
So what now then? What are you going to do in the
meantime until she
wises up and realizes what a catch
you are both in terms of looks and
personality?
DEREK
The same thing I always do ... Pick some fucking games.
(SLAM CUT TO OPENING CREDITS)
*NOTE: "fucking" can be taken out if this ends up being bought by a network.
Before we get to the picks for this week I wanted to touch on a couple
of factoids that I find pretty interesting. If you don't think you'll
feel the same you can simply skip down to the games, but I'd really
appreciate it if you didn't. I mean, we've come this far together, the
least you could do is trust me when I need you most ... Anyway, as you
may have heard, four of the eight remaining starting quarterbacks were
#1 overall draft picks, but it's also worth noting that the other four
are all Super Bowl winners. So clearly, the pedigree of these
signal-callers is high. Another seemingly coincidental tidbit plays
directly into the NFL's year-long celebration of Super Bowl history.
Rematches of the big game have been highlighted throughout the season,
and the odds that we see a Super Bowl repeat in number 50 are pretty
good. In fact, of the 16 possible Super Bowl match-ups, nine of them
would be rematches of past title games. Not only that, but every
remaining team has at least one past Super Bowl opponent left in the
field. Fascinating stuff, right?!? Why are you making that face? Fine,
I'll move on.
Saturday
Kansas City @ New England
When
last these squadrons met, the Chiefs decimated the Patriots 41-14, a
final tally that had some calling for Jimmy Garoppolo to replace Tom
Brady as New England's starting quarterback; and for once it wasn't just
Garoppolo via Bill Belichick's suggestion box (Really just a paper
shredder that Belichick sarcastically referred to once as a "suggestion
box." Garoppolo has been submitting his two cents to it multiple times a
week for over two years now). As we all know now, the Patriots' 2014
season took a turn for the better after the throttling in Kansas City,
but perhaps there are lessons we can learn from that contest. Then
again, perhaps not. I don't have a copy of the game handy, so who knows?
If I had to guess about this one (and I do, that's mostly the point
here) I'd say that a healthy-ish New England team will be the ones that
finally stop the Chiefs' impressive winning streak.
Patriots 27-17
Green Bay @ Arizona
This
is NBC's final broadcast of the season, meaning it's the last time
we'll get the privilege of hearing Cris Collinsworth on the mic until
August. But fear not, he's here with us right now to break down this
interesting match-up:
Hmm, seems like CriColl got a bit off topic by the end there, but I tend
to agree with him. While there may be some early rust for the
Cardinals, I think they'll overcome whatever the resulting deficit is
and get the win.
Cardinals 31-24
Sunday
Seattle @ Carolina
After
dominating the Vikings last Sunday, the Seahawks move on to a
Divisional Round game on the road, a scenario that has been the bane of
this franchise's recent existence. Since 2003, when Seattle started
making the playoffs with regularity, their playoff record is 12-8. Over
that same stretch, their record in Divisional Round games on the road is
0-4. So, not great. But that was then, this is now (a phrase that you
can use in any non-time travel situation with absolute certainty) and
since Russell Wilson has been quarterback the Seahawks have only played
in one such game, an agonizingly close loss to the Falcons in which
Wilson piloted a 21 point fourth quarter comeback to take the lead with
less than a minute left. In other words, the challenge before Seattle
does not seem as insurmountable as it may have in the past. Now, is
beating a 15-1 Panthers team who hasn't lost a home game all season
going to be easy? Probably not. But I don't think it will take a
miracle, or pixie dust, or some sort of magical ointment either.
Although, the magical ointment couldn't hurt. I'm not saying you have to
use a ton; in this case, a little dab'll do ya.
Seahawks 23-16
Pittsburgh @ Denver
This
is a tough one to pick because of all the unknowns going in. Will Ben
Roethlisberger play? If so, how effective will he be? What type of
performance will we see from Peyton Manning? Who really shot Kennedy?
Why did The General used to have a penguin with him in those car insurance commercials? Look, not all of my questions have
to do with this game in particular, but the ones that do are extremely
pertinent to the outcome. I get the feeling that Roethlisberger will
play, but his performance will be hampered by his injured shoulder and
the Broncos' top-notch defense. As for Manning, he won't be great, but
he won't have to be.
These teams met all
the way back in Week 1. I like to imagine that at the coin toss before
this game one team's captain will look at the other's and say, "We
started this thing together, might as well finish it together." Then
they'll grasp hands Predator style, oblivious to the fact the
verbiage of that sentence means that they've just unwittingly agreed to
end both of their seasons. I mean "finish it together"? What were
you guys thinking? The ref would have no choice but to cancel the whole
game at that point. So, hopefully they don't say that, as cool as it
might initially sound. Really it wouldn't make much sense for either
team to forfeit considering how well they've been playing over the last
few months. The Chiefs have won 10 in a row, while the Texans have won 7
of their last 9 with a quarterback cavalcade. It's a shame that the run
has to end for someone here, but as I already stated, in all likelihood
it will for one team, and only one team. I'll go with Kansas City because, well, I think they're better.
Chiefs 20-16
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Another
year, and another Wild Card game for the Bengals, their fifth straight.
And, as I'm sure you're aware, Cincinnati has lost in the each of those
first round games the previous four seasons, unless, of course, you've
been living under a rock. And if that's the case, please come inside, I
have blankets and hot cocoa for you. Just sit right down and we'll call
your family, they're probably very worried. Can I get you anything to
eat? I have a few different types of soup; do you have a preference?
Hell, anything that doesn't have worms in it would probably be fine for
you at this point, right? I'm sorry, that joke was terribly crass. I in
no way was trying to make light of your former predicament. Let's change
the subject. Playoff pariah Andy Dalton will likely be unable to start
for the Bengals, leaving them with AJ McCarron under center. Of course,
the perfect scenario would be McCarron establishing a lead for
Cincinnati before an injury forces him to exit the game, and Dalton to
enter. You can probably guess what happens next, Dalton and the Bengals
collapse and the city of Cincinnati collectively boos for the next eight
months. A time during which Andy Dalton will wish he could just crawl
under a rock and die ... Oh my God, I'm so sorry, it just slipped out. Steelers 24-17
Sunday
Seattle @ Minnesota
Before
we get to my thoughts on this game let's get some insight from the man
who will call it for NBC, the unrivaled Cris Collinsworth:
CriColl wasn't lying about that Freezer Bowl, in fact, Sunday will be its 34th anniversary. Here's the full info. The weather and the reequipped Vikings defense should make this
game closer than the last time the Seahawks traveled to Minnesota.
However, it would take a cold day in hell, not a sub-zero day in
Minneapolis, for me to pick against Seattle.
Seahawks 27-16
Green Bay @ Washington
I've
heard multiple NFL pundits debate this week over whether they'd rather
have Aaron Rodgers or Kirk Cousins as their starting quarterback right
now. The answer is Aaron Rodgers. Anybody who says otherwise is just a
contrarian or Cousins' parents (note: in this case "Cousins' parents"
does not refer to your aunt and uncle). Now, who's team would I rather
have right now? That's the debatable issue. The Packers are clearly in a
bit of a funk as they enter the playoffs without the NFC North title to
their name for the first time since 2010. Of course, they won the Super
Bowl that season, so this may not be the worst situation for them to be
in. Meanwhile, Washington has won four in a row and boasts an
impressive 6-2 home record. However, a closer look at their schedule
reveals that they're 0-2 against playoff teams. It's not so much the
fact that they lost both of those games, it's that they only played in
two of them. Conversely, the Packers are 3-4 in such contests this
season. I think Green Bay's difficult schedule and recent playoff
participation will provide the experience necessary for them to edge the
home team.
I realize that due to the fact that it's New Year's Day some, most, or all of you are reading this through a bleary-eyed hangover. Not to worry, just press play on any or all of the following yacht rock jams, and let it be the soothing soundtrack to your reading experience. By the time you're done the calming tunes will have washed you ashore on the beach of an island upon which alcohol-induced dehydration is merely a myth.
Sunday Morning
New York Jets @ Buffalo
Bills
coach Rex Ryan will be attempting to keep his former team out of the
playoffs in this one. Perhaps he's planning on doing it by simply
filling up the doorway to the postseason with his body. Wait, he's not
even that big anymore. Gastric bypass surgery has ruined yet another
joke. One thing's for sure, Jets fans wouldn't be able to stomach a
loss; it would eat away at them for the entire offseason. But I don't
believe that New York will choke.
Jets 23-20
New England @ Miami
Is
it possible that the Patriots intentionally lost to the Jets last
Sunday to help keep the Steelers out of the postseason? They really don't
want to see them in the playoffs. That's taking it to a whole other
level. Of course, this theory is being purported by New England
apologists who would rather not just face the fact that they lost, in
part, because Bill Belichick decided to kick off in overtime. Seems like
he out-thought himself on that one; it makes one wonder if he'd try the
same thing in a playoff game should that situation arise. I'm going to
do everything in my power to make sure that that's exactly what happens.
Don't ask how. Even if I explained my methods to you you probably
wouldn't understand.
Patriots 30-19
New Orleans @ Atlanta
The
Falcons have managed to win consecutive games, but it's too late, there
is no longer any chance of them nabbing an NFC wild card. They're like a
student who's desperately trying to do enough make-up work so that he
can graduate high school. Sorry kid, you're stuck here for another year.
And guess what, the junior class chicks are nowhere near as hot as your graduating class. Bummer!
Falcons 34-31
Baltimore @ Cincinnati
With
their loss last week the Bengals have positioned themselves as the
likely #3 seed in the AFC, which would result in perhaps the tensest
first round home playoff crowd in recent memory. Not only has Cincinnati
lost in the Wild Card round the last four seasons, they also got
bounced in the same spot after '05 and '09. By the way, that '09 loss
was to the Jets, a possible Wild Card opponent this season. It should be
uncomfortably fun to watch no matter what happens.
Bengals 24-14
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
The
Steelers may have blown their chance at the playoffs in a lackluster
loss to the Ravens. Sorry, 'lackluster' may not be a strong enough
adjective, let's go with 'unconscionable.' It just doesn't make any
sense, there's no rhyme or reason to it. If you wanted to make the
argument that the universe is a series of random events, that would be
the game to point to. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was directed by the
Coen brothers. I expect Pittsburgh to come out and get the win this
Sunday, but then again, expectations are only a taunting mistress,
existing only to inherently disappoint.
Steelers 33-17
Jacksonville @ Houston
One
of the most interesting subplots of the Jaguars' season has been the
predictable and satisfying weight gain of former Jacksonville running
back Maurice Jones-Drew. He pops up every so often on the NFL Network,
and each time I see him he's heavier than before. Let me be clear here,
I'm not attempting to body shame MJD, I'm just saying that I thoroughly
enjoy when a former pro athlete who's been through years of rigorous
workouts and stringent dieting retires, says "Eff all that," and
proceeds to eat and relax with great enthusiasm. Kudos to you MJD ... as
in the candy bar ... go grab yourself a Kudos.
Texans 24-20
Tennessee @ Indianapolis
It's
possible that Stephen Morris, Ryan Lindley, or Josh Freeman will start
at quarterback for the Colts. This is such a ridiculous predicament that
the jokes practically write themselves ... Umm ... Uhh ... Ok, I guess
the jokes aren't writing themselves. Let's move on. Unbelievably,
with one game left in the season Indianapolis has a chance to win the
AFC South with, to use a stat normally reserved for baseball, a magic
number of 7 ... Or maybe even higher, the various permutations get
pretty confusing. All I know is that many things have to happen for the
Colts to get to the playoffs, and it begins with the Titans rolling over
in an effort to maintain their #1 pick in the 2016 draft.
Colts 9-6
Washington @ Dallas
In
one of the more hilarious plays I can remember, Kirk Cousins performed a
kneel down with no timeouts and a clock ticking under :10 in the first
half of Saturday's win over the Eagles. He clearly wanted to spike the
ball but had a momentary lapse in judgment, or awareness, or motor
skills. No matter what the impetus was, I'm thrilled that it happened
and thankful that I was able to witness it. I'm now left to wonder what
would have happened if someone had told Cousins to spike the punch at
the team Christmas party. I'm not sure either team will care about
winning this game, which should make it extremely enjoyable.
Cowboys 17-16
Philadelphia @ New York Giants
Chip
Kelly was fired as the Eagles coach and general manager this week. My
question is, was he fired from both positions at the same time? What I'm
getting at is did Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie make Chip the GM fire Chip
the coach? And what exactly would that have looked like? Personally I
would have just done it by e-mail to avoid confrontation.
Giants 31-17
Detroit @ Chicago
These
are two of the six NFC teams that are currently 6-9. What a bunch of
juvenile jokesters. Clearly they saw the direction their seasons were
going and they all thought it would just be soooo hilarious wind up at
6-9 heading into the final week of the season. Maybe they didn't take
into account what would happen if a little boy had to ask his father why
he was laughing when they were reading the NFL standings together.
Still think it's funny NFC teams?!? Me too! Great gag guys! If nothing
else it just promotes sexual education.
Lions 24-19
Sunday Afternoon
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Even Cam Newton would have to admit that the Panthers' effort last week was pretty drab
... I'm losing steam folks! But hey, aren't we all? We're at Week 17
after all. It's been a long season of drinking, eating poorly, screaming
at TVs and people, and punching stuff ... You all did that too, right?
Panthers 27-17
Oakland @ Kansas City
Thanks
to the aforementioned Carolina loss last Sunday, this game now features
the hottest team in the NFL. Sorry Derek Carr, I meant in terms of
winning streaks, not attractiveness. Besides, you wear too much mascara
bro, it looks desperate. The Chiefs still have a shot at winning the AFC
West, so look for them to be all systems go en route to their 10th
straight victory.
Chiefs 27-17
San Diego @ Denver
The
Al Jazeera report regarding Peyton Manning and HGH seems scandalous and
possibly damning, but I tend to believe that the drugs were
actually being used by Manning's wife. The reason I believe that is
because of another tidbit that came out this week: during his rehab in
2011 Peyton Manning regularly watched Hoda and Kathie Lee on The Today
Show. So it's clear that a few years ago the Mannings were doing
attempting a gender swap. Mrs. Manning was beefing up while Peyton was
doing the most feminine thing he could think of. I'm not even going to
begin to imagine what might have been happening in their bedroom, but
I'm willing to bet that their safe word was "Omaha."
Broncos 21-13
St. Louis @ San Francisco
With
a win over the 49ers, the Rams would finish 5-1 against the NFC West
this season. It's an impressive feat that the St. Louis players will be
able to tell everybody about at their various playoff viewing parties.
To which the other guests will reply, "You already told us that five
times. Also, what's your name? Like who are you here with?" Man, that's
going to be pretty embarrassing for those guys.
Rams 22-16
Seattle @ Arizona
The
Cardinals clinched the NFC West a couple of weeks ago, rendering this
contest merely about playoff seeding. However, I believe the Seahawks
should attempt an age old pro wrestling tactic and challenge the
Cardinals to put their title on the line right here, right now! C'mon,
'Zona, you say you're the champ, why not prove it in the ring (field)?!?
Afraid you'll lose? After hearing that the Cardinals would be left with
little choice but to make this a title match.
Seahawks 27-23
Sunday Night
Minnesota @ Green Bay
It's the NFC North championship game, and here once again to break it down for us, I'm proud to say, is Cris Collinsworth:
Bold pick CriColl, but I know better than to go against you. You're
so smart. Never leave us again. I don't know what we'd do ... Ahhumm,
uh anyway, yeah I'll go with Minnesota as well. Vikings 23-20
There's a chance
that this could be the last Raiders home game in Oakland, so it's
pretty coincidental that their opponent will the Chargers, a team who
may have just played their last home game in San Diego. Adding to the
parallels between these teams is the fact that they may, indeed, be
sharing a stadium in the future. So, in essence, the Chargers are like a
recent divorcee visiting their friend who is having marital troubles as
well. After a long talk and a few drinks they decide that their best
years are still ahead of them and that they should move to LA, get an
apartment together, and just go wild. Good for them, they deserve this
after what they've been through.
Raiders 27-20
Saturday Night
Washington @ Philadelphia
Washington
can win the NFC East with a victory here and ensure an at least .500
record for that division's champion. Then again, if they lose it opens
the door for a 7-9 champ, with the Eagles and Giants back in play. So in
other words, the country needs the Eagles to win, strictly for comedy's
sake. It's time for America to laugh again.
Eagles 30-27
Sunday Morning
New England @ New York Jets
The
Jets won last week yet fell out of playoff position. They did
everything that was asked of them yet they still aren't good enough.
They're like the lame, original boyfriend in the romantic comedy who
seems nice enough, but just doesn't have the spark that the main
characters share. This game is the equivalent of the scene in which they
tell their girlfriend that they should follow their heart, and that
they just want them to be happy, and that they'll find something else to
do in the postseason.
Patriots 31-20
Houston @ Tennessee
After
their first ever(!) win in Indianapolis last Sunday, the Texans have
the AFC South in their grasp. However, they may have the human
equivalent of KY jelly starting at quarterback this week. In other
words, that grasp of theirs just got slippery due to one Brandon Weeden.
Luckily for them the Titans are next on the schedule, which should
allow them to hold on for at least this week.
Texans 13-12
Cleveland @ Kansas City
With
the tight race for the AFC wild cards the Chiefs need to keep winning.
No problem! Said their schedule. As mentioned last week their slate is
super easy and they could clinch a playoff berth this Sunday with a win
and a Jets loss. And as we already discussed, the Jets aren't going to
try to stop KC from going after their postseason dreams. In fact,
they'll even drive them to the airport. If they leave right now they can
probably still catch the Broncos!
Chiefs 27-10
Indianapolis @ Miami
The
Colts are in a lot of trouble, and I'm not just talking about their
playoff chances. They threw a party at the stadium after the game last
Sunday and made a real mess of things. Now owner Jim Irsay is coming
back and they have to get the whole place cleaned up in an hour! Good
thing they have a whole staff of people at the stadium to do that for
them. Meanwhile the team will be practicing. Hard to know what to expect
from this game, but since Indy has more to play for I'll go with them.
Plus, if they flunk this road test Irsay is gonna kill them.
Colts 23-20
San Francisco @ Detroit
It's
a battle for draft supremacy! Or inferiocy? It doesn't appear that
that's a word, but maybe it should be. Why does Webster get the final
say? Who made him boss? It's a question I would also ask regarding Jim
Tomsula, except we know the answer, and it's the reason the 49ers are
sitting at 4-10. A win here would vault San Francisco out of the top 5
in draft order, so it would behoove them to lose, which shouldn't be a
problem.
Lions 24-13
Dallas @ Buffalo
And
now for the last in our season-long series of would-be Super Bowls.
This was NOT Super Bowl I. After the 1966 season the Bills lost the AFL
championship game to the Chiefs and the Cowboys fell to the Packers in
the NFL championship game. Of course, Buffalo and Dallas did meet
in Super Bowls XXVII and XXVIII, and judging by those contests we
should probably be grateful that this wasn't the match-up for the
inaugural game. The Cowboys will be starting Kellen Moore at quarterback
this week. That's the end of this analysis.
Bills 20-13
Chicago @ Tampa Bay
A
few weeks ago it seemed like this could be a game with playoff imps,
now it looks like a match-up for playoff wimps ... which almost makes it
seem as if these teams are in the playoffs, but wimps, which is simply
not true. Ok the wimps part is true, but not the playoffs part. Jeez,
that pun almost doesn't feel worth it now. Almost.
Buccaneers 27-23
Carolina @ Atlanta
These
teams played two weeks ago, and Carolina won 38-0. I'll bet they wish
they could have saved some of those points for this game. In fact, 1-0
would've sufficed. You're probably thinking that a 1-0 score isn't
possible, but remember, they changed the PAT distance this year ...
Panthers 35-16
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
Why
did the Ravens decide to go with gold pants last week? Even if
they wanted to go gold, why that shade? It was disgusting. An affront to
the hardworking Joe six-packs who just want to sit down and watch some
football every Sunday and Monday and Thursday and sometimes Saturday.
It's getting kind of exhausting actually, which makes these hideous
pants even more offensive. Look, we're all working through injuries at
this point in the season, and some of us are just playing out the
string, the least you could do is dress like you still give a damn.
Steelers 38-17
Sunday Afternoon
Jacksonville @ New Orleans
The
Jaguars managed to do something last Sunday that no NFL team has done
since October, lose to the Falcons. It's an ignominious achievement, one
that leaves Jacksonville with only the slimmest hopes of making the
playoffs. But at 5-9, they're lucky to even be sniffing the postseason.
As we all know though, jaguars have the strongest smelling power in all
of the animal kingdom, so it makes sense that they'd pick up the playoff
scent regardless of their record. And no, that fact about jaguars is
not true, but it fits my narrative, so I don't care. Drew Brees is hurt,
and the Saints' D is on their way to giving up a record number of
passing touchdowns. Jacksonville should get the W.
Jaguars 35-30
Green Bay @ Arizona
Sound
the alarms it's another 3P (PossiblePlayoffPreview). There's a good
chance that these two teams will meet in this same location three weeks
from now in the Divisional round. Then again, if the Packers get the win
here they'll have a shot at stealing the #2 seed from the Cardinals and
having that aforementioned Divisional round game be in Green Bay. Of
course, if both teams decide during this game that football is too hard
and that they'd no longer like to do it as a profession then neither
team will make the playoffs at all. Everything's in play.
Cardinals 29-21
St. Louis @ Seattle
The
Seahawks have officially made the playoffs for the fourth straight
season. However, they'll be a wild card this time around after being the
NFC's #1 seed each of the last two seasons. But do you think these guys
give an eff? Well maybe, it's much easier to win two home games than
three road games ... But for the most part, no! They give no effs. That
being said, they should really try to get the #5 spot, because it would
be a big help.
Seahawks 27-9
Sunday Night
New York Giants @ Minnesota
As
you know, it's been weeks since we've seen Cris Collinsworth. I had
searched high and low, and even pretended to be Tony Romo when leaving
him a desperate voicemail, but I heard nothing back. Then this
mysterious clip arrived in my inbox. When I traced the IP address from
the sender, the location of the computer simply came back as "The cliffs
overlooking Cincinnati." I haven't watched it yet, let's take a look
now:
CRIIIIIIIICOLLLLLLLL!!! He's back! God bless us, everyone!
Vikings 26-20
Monday Night
Cincinnati @ Denver
Peyton
Manning is still leading the NFL in interceptions. Peyton Manning
hasn't played in the last five weeks. That's pretty astonishing, and as
good an argument as any that Brock Osweiler should remain the Broncos'
starting QB regardless of Manning's health status. Unless, of course,
Manning's health status is reported as "superhuman." Then Denver should
definitely play him as long as it isn't a violation of NFL rules. In
this battle of backup signal callers I'll give the one playing at home
with the better defense the edge.
At this
point in the season we hear all about hot teams that other teams don't
want to see in the playoffs. For instance, if you've been watching any
sort of NFL related programming in the last couple weeks you've no doubt
heard numerous pundits say that the Steelers are the team that no one
wants to see in the playoffs. Well, the Jets are the team that no fans
want to see in the playoffs. Fortunately they'd be bumped out in a
three-way tie scenario with the Chiefs and Steelers. And that's what the
NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE was founded on, three-way tie scenarios. Also,
this was NOT Super Bowl XVII. But that was after the strike-shortened
1982 season, in which a kicker was named MVP, so
there's not much point in discussing it.
Jets 20-16
Sunday Morning
Chicago @ Minnesota
Robbie
Gould has missed a game winning and game tying field goal for the Bears
in consecutive weeks. Meanwhile, Teddy Bridgewater simply sat in the
pocket and took a strip-sack while in field goal range down 3 with :10
left. Do these guys even want to win?!? I called both teams'
headquarters to ask them that very question. The response I got? "Piss
off loser." It's weird that both of them would say the exact same thing.
Vikings 23-20
Atlanta @ Jacksonville
The
Jags are only a game back in the AFC South, could they actually make
the playoffs? The odds are pretty slim due to the fact that someone has
to win the Texans/Colts match-up listed below. Then again, there's
always the possibility of a tie, and I'm not just talking about that new
50 Shades of Grey movie, am I right ladies?!? What's that? It came out a
year ago? And that reference would have been hacky even if it were
topical? And you hate my hair? Hmm, well thanks for the input, even
though that last one seemed unrelated, and frankly a little
mean-spirited. Anyway, I'll take Gus Bradley's squad over Dan Quinn's in
this battle of former Seattle defensive coordinators.
Jaguars 30-20
Houston @ Indianapolis
With
Matthew Hasselbeck's injury, and Andrew Luck still sidelined, it
appears that Charlie Whitehurst may be called upon to start for the
Colts. Clipboard Jesus has risen! And he's five days early. Yes, I
realize that Jesus rose on Easter, not Christmas, but c'mon, it sounded
cool. You know what doesn't sound cool to Indianapolis fans? "Charlie
Whitehurst may be called upon to start for the Colts."
Texans 10-6
Carolina @ New York Giants
As
I mentioned last week the Panthers will be expected to win all of their
remaining games, but I believe they'll slip up somewhere, and that
somewhere is here. I don't need to tell you that the Giants have a
history of knocking off undefeated teams. And if I do need to tell you
about it, then call me on my cell and we'll discuss it. New York gave
the then unbeaten Patriots a spirited contest last month, and I expect
them to do the same this Sunday against Carolina. Except this time
they'll hold on to the game-clinching interception during the
opposition's final drive.
Giants 24-23
Tennessee @ New England
Only
a crazy person would pick the lowly Titans to go into Foxborough and
defeat the mighty Patriots, right? Right. And since I'm not crazy, I
won't do it. I don't care what those so-called "world renowned
psychologists" say. Look, if Gerald isn't real, then who smeared feces
all over my apartment? It certainly wasn't me ... I'm sure of it ...
Only a crazy a person would do such a thing.
Patriots 35-20
Buffalo @ Washington
I
don't like to mention the nickname of the Washington football team too
much, because I don't want to draw attention to racism. That being said,
I feel like I have to acknowledge it this week because of the match-up
we have here. It's a tale as old as time, Native Americans vs.
buffaloes. I'll pick the Redskins to win this battle, just like in real
life. And, of course, after slaying their opposition they will use every
part of the Bills, unlike the greedy white man who desecrate the
carcasses of every buffalo they fell. I just made it much worse, didn't
I?
Redskins 27-24
Kansas City @ Baltimore
The
Chiefs' late season schedule reminds me of a wide receiver that's been
left alone downfield and is just running into the end zone looking
around in disbelief for defenders. Right now Kansas City is streaking
unabated thinking, really? No good teams left? Awesome! I guess this
will just be an easy score. And they're right, those smug pricks. They
remind me of John Schnatter.
Chiefs 27-10
Sunday Afternoon
Cleveland @ Seattle
Much
has been made of Browns coach Mike Pettine's comments about Russell
Wilson not being a top tier NFL quarterback. I'm not sure that his
comments are too inflammatory. Does it really matter what Mike Pettine
says anyway? Is he on the lowest tier of NFL coaches? Probably not, but
he's certainly been performing like it lately. Squash match.
Seahawks 38-8
Green Bay @ Oakland
Kahlil
Mack? More like Kahlil Sack! Am I right? You're not laughing. That's
fine. I can sit here as long as it takes, but so help me God, you will
laugh. ... Whoops! ... Got ya! A laugh is a laugh,
doesn't matter what the cause was. I'm sure the Packers would tell you
the same thing, replacing "laugh" with "win." But they'd keep the fart
noise, for obvious reasons.
Packers 28-25
Denver @ Pittsburgh
It's
another 3P! Possible ... Playoff ... Preview! And as you know, any game
with playoff implications is a prime candidate for an appearance by the
playoff imps. What sort of pranks, trickery, and twisted merriment will
they have in store for this contest? It's anyone's guess. But if I had
to prognosticate, I would imagine that they will tamper with Mike
Tomlin's 2 point conversion cheat sheet resulting in the coach going for
two in ridiculous scenarios that make little to no sense. Come to think
of it, they may have already performed that prank at the beginning of
the season.
Steelers 24-17
Miami @ San Diego
This
could very well be the last Chargers game in San Diego; a possibility
that I have to believe is fresh in the players' minds. I have to
believe this because otherwise I wouldn't know who to pick in this game.
This way I have an easy angle that allows me to feel good about my
prediction. Please reward my laziness Chargers, and good luck in your
future endeavors.
Chargers 26-21
Cincinnati @ San Francisco
While
explaining his admiration for Brett Favre, the Bengals' new starting
quarterback A.J. McCarron said the following during a press conference
this week "He always reminded me of that four year old kid that won the
starting job by raising his right arm and raising his left arm and being
the only one that got it right. And it's what I love about the game is
that it's a game." When you hear a quote like that it really makes you
take a step back and ask, what the fuck are you talking about?!? What
four year old has to win a starting job? And when and where was this arm
raising test ever conducted? After hearing McCarron talk I have no
choice but to pick San Francisco.
49ers 17-16
Sunday Night
Arizona @ Philadelphia
Well,
the news is not great. I've reached out to Cris Collinsworth numerous
times in the past week, pleading with him to return, but there has been
no response. He's nowhere to be found. As a result I was forced to
approach other luminaries of the NFL analyst field with the opportunity
to provide their insight to this blog. After all of them turned me down,
I received an unsolicited message from the following individual
expressing his interest, but more importantly, claiming to have
knowledge of CriColl's whereabouts. While it's against my better
judgment, I feel like we should hear him out. So without further ado,
(SIGH) here's Phil Simms:
I'm so sorry. Just like you, I feel sick to my stomach after
hearing that man babble unintelligibly. CriColl, if you're reading this,
please come back! Look what we've been subjected to. We can't listen to
another clip from Phil Simms. Save us from this monster! Save us
CriColl!!!
Cardinals 27-20
Monday Night
Detroit @ New Orleans
On
paper this game might not look like much. But you're not reading this
on paper, so what does it look like on a screen? Sill lame, huh? I
suppose it wouldn't make much sense for me to waste any more time
dissecting this match-up then ... or would it? Nope, it wouldn't. See ya
next week gang!
Color Rush is back! And
it's the Bucs in all red vs. the Rams in all yellow. As
you may know, red and yellow have been proven by psychologists to be the
two colors that most evoke feelings of hunger in humans, which explains why most major
fast food chains use that combo in their logos. If you ask me this
whole game is a conspiracy by the NFL and Papa John's. After laying
eyes on the uniforms the viewing audience will become voracious with
hunger by the first commercial break. When the inevitable Peyton Manning/JJ Watt Papa John's ad comes on,
salivating fans across the country will lunge for their phones and order
a record amount of PJ's. And this smug prick will be laughing all the
way to the bank.
Some
variation of the following phrase gets thrown around quite a bit in the
NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE: "When we're on our game, we feel like no one
can beat us." But does that really mean anything? Is there any team in
the league that feels like when they're playing at their best that
they're still going to lose? If you're playing at your best doesn't it
imply that you're beating the other team? That being said, the Seahawks
seemed to be "on their game" last week, and it sure didn't look like
anybody could beat that team that day. Seattle's offense especially has
looked nearly unstoppable recently. They've scored 19 touchdowns over
the last four games after only scoring 16 touchdowns over their first
eight games. Clearly something has clicked offensively. Look for it to
keep clicking on Sunday, but not like an annoying click, a really cool,
badass click.
Seahawks 31-3
Buffalo @ Philadelphia
In
his return to Philadelphia LeSean McCoy will go head to head with the
man he was traded for, Eagles' MLB Kiko Alonso. Their careers are now
inexorably intertwined. With that in mind. what if they collide in the
hole on Sunday and swap bodies like countless movies before them. How
long would it take for us to realize what had happened? Come to think of
it we'd probably catch on before the next play when they each ran back
to the wrong huddle. Philly is coming off a big victory over New
England, but one win does not totally de-lousy a team. I'll go with
Buffalo.
Bills 23-20
San Francisco @ Cleveland
Johnny Manziel is back as the Browns' starter, and apparently on a short
leash according to head coach Mike Pettine, who said that repercussions
would be severe if Manziel errs off the field again. Is it me or does
it seem like Pettine would rather Johnny screw up so that he would have
an excuse to get rid of him? What I'm getting at is that we may be
headed toward a Son-in-Law style blackmail scenario in which a drugged
Manziel ends up naked in a barn with a buxom vixen. If Tiffani Amber
Thiessen is seen in Cleveland at any point in the next few weeks, we'll
have our answer. 49ers 20-16
Detroit @ St. Louis
There
are 11 morning games this week, meaning we'll have to ignore a few come
Sunday. This one is a prime candidate. It would have been a bit more
interesting if the Lions had won last week, but apparently they weren't
interested in stopping a Hail Mary. In case you hadn't heard, they were
defending the sideline on an un-timed down. Even more egregious,
however, is the fact that they didn't put Golden Tate in on defense; we
know he's good at catching Hail Marys, seems like a no-brainer. Despite
Detroit coming off a devastating loss I can't in good conscience pick
the Rams, a phrase I'm almost certain I've typed before.
Lions 22-17
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
At
this point no result would surprise me with the Bucs' remaining
schedule. They could go 0-4, 4-0, or anywhere in between and I wouldn't
be shocked. Now, if they managed to go 5-0? That would be something
else.
Buccaneers 28-23
Tennessee @ New York Jets
Did
you know that when these teams met last season it resulted in the only
16-11 final score in the history of the NFL? Well that's a fact. And I
can only assume that they'll make history again this Sunday. After
scouring the record books for never-before-seen final scores I've
settled on the following ...
Jets 26-25
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
The
Steelers' offense has been putting up some huge offensive numbers,
totaling 143 points in their last 4 games. As impressive as they've
looked, I have to believe that Antonio Brown hurt his balls when he
jumped into the goalpost stanchion after a punt return touchdown on Sunday night. Most wide receivers don't wear cups, because it limits
their mobility, so there's no way Brown made it out of that unscathed. I
suppose I understand where the WRs are coming from, but I know if I
were on the field I would wear all the protection I could get. Hell, I
wear a cup in everyday life, just in case. Doesn't hurt the bulge
either. This one's a 3P (Possible Playoff Preview), so watch closely. I
think Pittsburgh's hot streak continues.
Steelers 34-31
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
Tis
a somber day, for Matthew Hasselbeck hath finally lost. However, I
didn't get a chance to see much of the game, so if I didn't see it, did
it really happen? It's like that old saying, if a tree falls in a forest
and millions of people hear it, but I don't, did it make a sound? I say
no. MH will make plenty of noise this Sunday as Indy gets back above
.500.
Colts 26-23
San Diego @ Kansas City
After
a 1-5 start the Chiefs have won 6 games in a row. Looking ahead at
their remaining schedule it seems more than feasible that they'll extend
that streak to 10 games and finish at 11-5. Of course, any discussion
of such a hot stretch brings to mind that famous Vince Lombardi quote,
"10 game winning streaks are a thing of beauty. If I had my choice I'd
win 'em all. That might sound greedy, but I say greed is good. And you
can quote me on that one baby!" That was from an interview with a young
Oliver Stone, and guess what? He did quote him on that!
Chiefs 28-10
Washington @ Chicago
Both
teams are 5-7, yet one is currently sitting in playoff position while
the other has only a very slim chance at playing in the postseason. This
doesn't seem fair until you consider that it's based solely on
geography, then it makes total sense.
Bears 27-24
Atlanta @ Carolina
If
you look at the Panthers' four remaining games it's not unlikely that
they would win each of them in a vacuum. But, as I've said in years
past, games aren't played in vacuums; nobody would be able to pass. I
still think they'll slip up at least once, but not in this one.
Panthers 30-20
Sunday Afternoon
Oakland @ Denver
Brock
Osweiler is now 3-0 as a starter, but let's be honest, he's not exactly
setting the world on fire. If he were he would surely be arrested, or
at the very least pursued, for arson. Denver's defense is good enough
that he really just has to limit his mistakes and hope for the best. But
hey, isn't that what we all do in our everyday life? Is Brock Osweiler
that different from you or I? He's just a man trying his best, and damn
it, I can't fault the MFer for that.
Broncos 20-13
Dallas @ Green Bay
The
Packers are a competent Hail Mary defense away from having lost 5 of 6.
Instead they're now leading the NFC North and have a good shot at
extending that lead to one game with Matt Cassel and the Cowboys coming
to town. Though, the last two teams that visited Lambeau came out on
top, so a Dallas upset wouldn't be out of the question. It also wouldn't
be out of the question for Dez Bryant to get called for a facemask
penalty against Aaron Rodgers while making a potentially game-winning
catch. I'm not sure how exactly it would happen, but I wouldn't be
surprised.
Packers 23-13
Sunday Night
New England @ Houston
If
you saw last week's video, you'll know that Cris Collinsworth's return
seemed questionable due to his emotional devastation following Tony
Romo's season-ending collarbone injury. But good news everyone, CriColl
is back, and he hasn't missed a beat:
Ok, I'll admit it, that was merely me attempting to do a Cris
Collinsworth impression. I don't know what to say, he's been unreachable
for the past week. I'll do my best to find him, but if I don't I may
have to explore other options ...
Texans 21-19
Monday Night
New York Giants @ Miami
A
few weeks ago, I suggested that the Giants may have another run in them
akin to their championship seasons of '07 & '11. They haven't won
since. In other words, they're sucking us all in again! Clever girls.
After watching the Vikings get decimated on
Sunday, I have to wonder, are they broken now? If you have a solid run
D, and can force Teddy Bridgewater to beat you, you have a great shot at topping Minnesota. Not you specifically. I've seen you play, your run D
isn't that great, no offense. Seriously though, Bridgewater has only
thrown 8 touchdowns this year. 8! What, does he play for Navy? Arizona
should be able to exploit that the same way the Seahawks did last
Sunday.
It's that time
of year again when we start to hear about the Triple P ... Possible ...
Playoff ... Preview! And we have one right here. In fact, if the
playoffs started today this would be a first round match-up. Of course,
the playoffs do not start today, and I won't even go into just how
absurd it would be for that to happen. Last Sunday the Seahawks put up
39 points, their highest total since Super Bowl XLVIII, and scored 6
touchdowns, their most since Week 3 of 2013. The offense will face a
much tougher test on the road this week against a solid Vikings defense.
Will the Hawks be able to get the job done? You don't read this blog
much do you? A note on the uniforms: this will be the first time since
Week 5 that Seattle has worn their white road jerseys, but what pants
will they go with? My guess is they'll double up and go all white. That
being said, they still have one gray on gray combo available left this
season, so that's the wild card ... which the Hawks currently are.
Seahawks 23-16
New York Jets @ New York Giants
Here's
a little known fact: these two teams play in the same city. Look again
at their names. Did you catch it this time? To celebrate the meeting of
the two squads who play in MetLife Stadium the Peanuts theme will be
played over the PA system on a loop throughout the game. Will it
delightful at times? Yes. Will it be ultimately maddening? Absolutely.
In other words it will be just like Eli Manning.
Giants 27-26
Arizona @ St. Louis
It
feels like ages ago, but the Rams actually have a victory over the
Cardinals this season. Of course, that was before Nick Foles apparently
ate the fish from Airplane! and lost all ability to function.
There's clearly a huge problem in St. Louis right now ... It's a major
U.S. city on the Mississippi River with an arch, but that's not
important right now. What does matter is that opposing defenses can gear
up solely to stop Todd Gurley and not have to worry about much else
from the Rams' paltry attack. It's a completely ineffective offensive
game plan, altogether ... (please tell me you said it?)
Cardinals 24-17
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
I'm
not saying I'm upset that Atlanta has fallen flat on their face, but
it's been pretty jarring. They're now technically on the outside of the
NFC playoff picture looking in. It seems clear now that they were just
photobombing that whole time, and that they were never supposed to be in
said NFC playoff picture. Don't worry, everybody's lining up to take
the NFC playoff picture again, and the Falcons have been shooed away; it
will be difficult for them to get back in it.
Buccaneers 30-20
Houston @ Buffalo
The
Texans are in wild card position? How did this happen? I'll tell ya
how: defense. They've only given up 35 points in their last four games.
As I understand it there are rarely wild cards in Texas Hold 'em, but
the wild card may go to Houston if the Texans hold 'em (their opponents)
to more low point totals in the weeks to come.
Texans 16-13
Baltimore @ Miami
Matt
Schaub returned to action on Monday and did not disappoint, throwing a
pick six and another interception that could very well have cost the
Ravens the game, had they not been playing the Browns. He's like a
ticking time bomb. It's as if he has nor regard for protecting the ball,
and perhaps, to a larger extent himself. Have you ever stood at the
edge of a cliff and had the briefest masochistic thought of what it
might be like to jump? I get the feeling that Schaub would just jump.
Not because he a thrill-seeker, because he's an idiot.
Dolphins 30-27
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
With
Josh McCown out for the season the Browns now turn to Austin Davis
instead of Johnny Manziel. This has to be a sobering experience for
Johnny. In fact, any sort of sobering experience would be a step in the
right direction.
Bengals 34-20
Jacksonville @ Tennessee
We
just saw this game! In fact, I can't un-see it, the Jags' unis are
etched into my hippocampus. They will never leave me. I just hope they
aren't the last thing I think about before I die. What do I expect to be
the last thing to cross my mind before I die you may be wondering?
Probably this:
Jaguars 27-23
San Francisco @ Chicago
The Bears
are in the hunt for a playoff spot. The Niners are in the hunt for a
draft spot. To me it makes the most sense for the team captains to have a
pregame meeting at midfield and agree to award the victory to Chicago.
I've never seen it explicitly stated in the rule book that this illegal.
Of course, I've never read the rule book, so I haven't ever actually
seen anything explicitly stated in there.
Bears 28-14
Sunday Afternoon
Denver @ San Diego
The
Chargers probably didn't do themselves any favors in terms of draft
positioning by winning at Jacksonville last week. Then again, you can't
tell Philip Rivers to stop trying, it's just going to make him go
harder. His wife suggested he not try so hard a few years back, and look
now: 8 kids! That being said, the Broncos, and most likely hoards of
their fans will invade Qualcomm Stadium on Sunday, which should make
Rivers' efforts futile. Just to be clear I'm talking about his efforts
on the field, not in terms of procreation. He'll probably impregnate his
wife before the weekend is over.
Broncos 24-17
Kansas City @ Oakland
Last
season I shortened the term 'playoff implications' to 'playoff imps,'
leading to a fantastical idea that mischievous playoff imps would wreak
havoc on games with postseason consequences. Well keep an eye out for
the imps in this contest, because there are certainly future
ramifications riding on it. The Chiefs have scored 160 points in their
five game win streak, while the Raiders stemmed the tide last week with
their first win in four games. In other words, this is a must win for
Oakland. But as you may know, it's hard to count on Oakland for a must
win in anything other than the award for 'Team with the second most
B-Roll shots of San Francisco during their national sports broadcasts.'
Chiefs 30-24
Carolina @ New Orleans
This past week I had a bit of a cough for a couple days. Usually when I
cough in public I'll employ the so called "Dracula" method. In case
you're unfamiliar with that term, it's when you raise the crux of your
elbow to your mouth to muffle the cough. However, this time around I was
reluctant to do it because I didn't want people to think I was
"dabbing." That's how much I don't want to be associated with Cam
Newton.
Panthers 24-17
Philadelphia @ New England
Don't
you think Sam Bradford felt at least a little bit gratified by the
Eagles' consecutive blowout losses in his absence? It reminds me of the
scene in Varsity Blues when Coach Kilmer claims that injured QB Lance
Harbor was "praying we'd lose, so he could be the missing link!" Of
course, those two weeks did more for Bradford than he ever could if he
were actually on the field because, well, he's not very good. Tom Brady
(he's the Patriots' quarterback) is still dealing with a skeleton crew
of offensive weapons, but the aforementioned Bradford is basically a
skeleton waiting to be broken, so I'll take New England.
Patriots 30-17
Sunday Night
Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh
Cue
the fanfare, sound the trumpets, release the confetti, and call your
friends! It's time once again for everybody's favorite moment of the
week ... Cris Collinsworth!
Oh my goodness. I've never seen CriColl so inconsolable. I think Romo's
injury is still just a bit too fresh in his mind. I refuse to believe he
would actually leave us hanging for the rest of the season ... As for
this game, Matthew Hasselbeck has been doing the Seahawks favors this
month by beating their NFC wild card competition. Well the Hawks sent
him a thank you note in the form of last week's game tape of the
Pittsburgh D getting shredded. Hasselbeck will take notes, then take
advantage.
Colts 27-25
Monday Night
Dallas @ Washington
Did
you know that Washington is 5-1 at home this season? Making matters
worse for the visiting Cowboys, they now have to turn, once again, to
their back-up quarterback Matt Cassel, because, as I was told by a good
friend (see above), Tony Romo is done for the season. Cassel is 0-2 on
the road this season, so things aren't looking too promising for Dallas.
Then again, Cassel is also 0-2 at home, so it might not matter where
this game is played.
