The Packers are now alone in 1st in the NFC. Who can stop them? Themselves! Or possibly the Bucs. Maybe the Cowboys, Cardinals, or Rams, or perhaps even the 49ers. The point is, it seems like a pretty even field in the NFC this season. Anything other than a trip to the Super Bowl has to be considered a failure for Green Bay after consecutive conference title game losses. It’s like getting something pretty good, but not exactly what you wanted for the past two Christmases. Sure you appreciate the effort, but if Santa doesn’t get it right this time you might have to move to Denver.
Packers 27-13
Indianapolis at Arizona
Do you think since it’s Christmas the Cardinals will put one of their running backs in at linebacker and have him rush the QB? What I’m saying is, will Conner be blitzin'? Probably not. More likely he’ll be a dasher or dancer or prancer. As long as Arizona is willing to comet to the run that is. And uh ... Cupid and vixen.
Cardinals 26-23
Sunday Morning
Detroit at Atlanta
If last week was the Lions' Super Bowl, that means this week is their Pro Bowl. Assuming we’re on the old schedule, that is. So maybe half their players will skip the game. Perhaps I’m taking the analogy too far. But I doubt it. The Falcons are on the verge of being eliminated from playoff contention, and there would be no more ignominious way to officially end it than with a loss to Detroit. Well, I suppose a loss to Detroit followed by all of the Falcons’ children saying they saw what happened and that they want to go live with the Lions would be more ignominious.
Falcons 24-16
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Last Sunday the Ravens once again lost on a failed 2 point attempt at the end of the game. That’s the second time in three weeks. And in between they lost a game by 2. A lot of people have questioned Harbaugh’s decisions to go for it, but I just question the Ravens ability to convert 2 pointers. Hey, if you’re good at getting two yards at a time, by all means, go for the win! But if that’s not your strong suit, then maybe know your limitations and don’t blindly trust analytics. You have to wonder if Harbaugh will go for it again if presented with the opportunity this week. Meatloaf would encourage him to do so, because two out of three ain’t bad! Hmm, except that would be two misses. I don’t think that’s what the Loaf was talking about.
Bengals 28-21
Los Angeles Rams at Minnesota
You gotta think the Vikings are gonna have the roof at U.S. Bank Stadium open for this one against these SoCal softies. Hmm, you know what? I just remembered the roof at U.S. Bank Stadium isn’t retractable. I guess there’s only one option then, blow the damn thing off! I don’t care how many millions of dollars it costs, or how integral the roof is to the structural integrity of the building. The best chance the Vikings have to win this game is to welcome in the elements. If you can think of a better, less expensive, less recklessly destructive option, then fine, I’m all ears. Ok that was misleading, I don’t want to hear a damn word out of your mouth. The roof’s coming down and that’s final!
Rams 23-18
Buffalo at New England
Notoriously unvaccinated Bills receiver Cole Beasley will miss this game because he contracted COVID. But as he tells it, he’s not missing this game because of COVID, but because of the rules! And to be clear the rule he is referring to is the one that says if you have COVID you can’t play in a game. Hmm, this is strange, but it seems like Beasley’s logic might be flawed, or that his perspective is warped somehow. Weird. Also surprising. Meanwhile, on the field, if the Patriots win this game they’ll clinch the AFC East title. But that won’t be because the Bills aren’t better than New England, it will just be because of the rules that say teams with the best record in a division are declared the champions.
Patriots 24-20
Jacksonville at New York Jets
Did the league put the Jags in some new lower division? Last week they lost to the Texans, now they play the Jets. Is Jacksonville facing relegation if they lose again? And if so is there a CFL team waiting to jump into the NFL? At the very least we deserve a game between the Jags and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers with the winner granted entry into the NFL in 2022.
Jets 25-17
New York Giants at Philadelphia
On Monday the Giants shut Daniel Jones down for the remainder of the season; just as NFL defenses have done for the majority of Jones’s career. As a result, New York will turn to Mike Glennon and/or Jake Fromm at quarterback the rest of the way. And in future news, the Giants have finished the season at 4-13. Also in future New York headlines: “Judge Faces Jury and Executioner; Giants coach tried for crimes against football ... and also murder.” Whoa! Stay tuned.
Eagles 23-12
Tampa Bay at Carolina
The Buccaneers were shockingly shutout last Sunday night against the Saints. They’ll need at least one point this week if they want to avoid consecutive losses. Though judging by what I saw from Cam Newton last Sunday zero points may be enough to salvage a tie. His last pass of the game, which sailed softly into the hands of a Bills defender, was reminiscent of a grumpy child choking down the remaining vegetables on their plate before they’re dismissed from the table. Just let him sit on the bench honey, he’s done enough. No. He’s gonna play every last snap, and we’re not leaving until he does. Poor Cam. Just know that if you have to have two Christmases next year it’s not your fault. The interception probably didn’t help, but it’s not (completely) your fault.
Buccaneers 30-13
Los Angeles Chargers at Houston
Brandon Staley’s aggressive fourth down philosophy was put to the test last Thursday against the Chiefs, and it failed, with the Chargers repeatedly unable to convert multiple red zone possessions into points. But hey, shooters gotta shoot. You think if Steph Curry were out there he would’ve stopped going for it? No way! Though Curry does shoot field goals, so maybe he would be partial to kicking it. And with his long range proclivity he’d probably attempt a field goal as soon as the team crossed the 50. So maybe that was a bad analogy. The point is, Staley can’t change his mindset now, otherwise the field goal-loving Steph Currys' of the world win.
Chargers 38-17
Sunday Afternoon
Chicago at Seattle
These teams have only played 3 times in the last 9 seasons. That’s the standard rate for intra-conference foes, but the fact that they haven’t lined up in terms of placement and played each other any extra is surprising. Especially considering they played every season from ‘09-‘12. Five matchups if you include the playoffs. It makes me wonder if something happened back in 2012. Did they have a falling out? Or maybe after trying to get it right so many seasons in a row they decided it was time for a break. But before they left each other they agreed that if neither of them were married in three years they’d meet back up at Christmas and give it another try. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the time it all works out.
Seahawks 23-9
Pittsburgh at Kansas City
The Steelers won another game by the skin of their teeth in Week 15. So did the Chiefs, but KC is like Will Smith to Pittsburgh’s Tommy Lee Jones, they make this look good. To make matters worse for the Steelers, they won’t be men in black this week as they’ll be playing on the road. Pittsburgh is only 2-4 away from home, with their last road victory coming on Halloween. Sorry Steelers, it’s X-mas time baby, not All Hallows’ Eve, and you ain’t scaring nobody.
Chiefs 27-16
Denver at Las Vegas
If we’re talking about these teams' records it’s 7-7 7-7 in Las Vegas. What is this a slot machine? With four columns? I don’t think that’s the typical number, but there are so many different ones out there now that it’s hard to say. I saw one the other day that was based on Making a Murderer. So a 4 column slot machine certainly isn’t out of the question. One way or another, the loser of this game is out of luck. They’ll have to take their empty, over-sized coin cup and go home.
The Dolphins are on fire! Maybe! They’ve won 6 in a row, but those wins have come against the Jets (twice), Texans, Panthers, Giants, and Ravens. Maybe they’re just the kings of the lousies. But hey, there’s gotta be a sexiest man in Duluth. Don’t hate him just because that’s where he’s from and he’s afraid to move to a bigger city for fear that he’ll no longer be the most attractive man in town. Now the Dolphins get a COVID-depleted Saints squad. Looks like the fish will be residing in Duluth for at least another week.
There’s a lot of buzz right now around the Niners being a dangerous playoff team. I can see that argument. But mostly because Jimmy Garoppolo is a dangerous quarterback for his own team. Things are going well with James for now, and they’ll continue to go well as long as San Fran is running downhill and momentum is on their side. But if that’s not the case can Garoppolo put a team on his back and lead them to victory? If we’re talking regular season I would say, “No.” If we’re talking playoffs I would say, “Who are you, and why do you keep asking me these questions? Where did you come from?!?” Once we settled that I would answer that I do not believe Jimmy Garoppolo can be the deciding factor in a postseason game. And for that reason the 49ers are the ultimate dangerous playoff team. A danger to themselves and others.
The Raiders held an impromptu pregame rally on the midfield logo at Arrowhead Stadium last Sunday. The Chiefs didn’t take too kindly to it and proceeded to beat Vegas by almost 40 points. So sure, things didn’t work out for the Raiders on that occasion, but I say they should do the same thing this Saturday. Double down! They are from Vegas after all. The only problem is that the Browns don’t have a midfield logo for the Raiders to congregate on. Cleveland just has stripes around the 50 yard line. So I guess the Raiders will have to line up single file. As such, they’ll have to play telephone to relay their pregame speech. Unfortunately this will lead to some confusion when the original message of “Let’s kick their asses!” becomes “Sure I act like a big, strong football man, but deep down I’m a scared child. That’s why I piss myself before every game. Oh and also, uh let’s kick their asses.”
Browns 20-17
New England at Indianapolis
Last time we saw Mac Jones he threw the ball only 3 times in the Patriots’ win over the Bills. In the days since, Bill Belichick has been lauded for his ingenuity. If I were Belichick I’d subvert expectations by starting this game with a double-throwback trick play, meaning they’d throw the ball three times on one play. The savvy crowd in Indianapolis, dressed in their tuxedos and finest gowns, would respond with a standing ovation and demand an encore. Of course Belichick wild deny them the satisfaction, despite being a diva.
Colts 23-20
Sunday Morning
Carolina at Buffalo
Will the Bills near comeback in Tampa last week inspire them to get back on track, or was that their last gasp? It would be a bad time to use up their breath considering they still have 4 games left. I mean I know these guys are amazing athletes, but surely their lung capacity isn’t so outstanding that they can play that long without needing a literal breather. Buffalo should be able to exhale and pick up a win this week when the Panthers come to town. But if Bills fans are still waiting for this team to round in to a Super Bowl contender perhaps they shouldn’t hold their breath.
Bills 31-16
Arizona at Detroit
In Week 1 of 2019 these teams played to a tie. At that moment in time they were even. Two years later things have changed. The Cardinals (along with two other teams) have the best record in the league, while the Lions have the worst. Not everything has changed though, Detroit has another tie on their resume this season. Of course, that resume has been placed in a folder labeled: “Too funny to shred.” A competitive game isn’t completely out of the question, as long as that question is “What won’t happen in Detroit this Sunday?”
Cardinals 28-12
New York Jets at Miami
In a nearly miraculous turn of events, the Dolphins are now only one game out of the playoffs. However there are a host of teams in between them and the last wild card spot. Six to be exact. But if there’s one team that can break through the surface and leap over the crowd into the playoffs wouldn’t that be the Dolphins? Based on team name alone, you’d have to say yes. Though if that’s the criteria I guess the Jets would be even more apt to soar over their competitors. Unfortunately they’ve been sitting on the tarmac for months now without a pilot, and they’re running low on pretzel bags.
Dolphins 24-20
Dallas at New York Giants
A couple years ago Renee Zellwegger won the Best Actress Oscar for playing Judy Garland in the biopic Judy. The night that it happened I confidently stated, “No one will remember this in a year.” I feel the same way about Joe Judge’s tenure in New York. Even as it’s happening I find myself forgetting it. Now I suppose one could read this and ask, "Doesn't your recalling of Zellwegger's win just now prove your statement incorrect?" To which I would say, we're talking about Joe Judge now. Move on.
Cowboys 26-13
Washington at Philadelphia
A few weeks ago the Monday Night Football broadcast relayed a quote from Washington quarterback Taylor Heinicke in which he called himself a Brett Favre type. It seemed like a reach considering he’s started about 10 NFL games, but also because he was the one making the comparison. Walter Payton famously said, “If you’re good at something you’ll tell people about it. But if you’re great at something they’ll tell you.” But a lot of people don’t remember the rest of the quote, “... And if you’re a mediocre quarterback, you might as well compare yourself to a hall of famer. What’s the worst that could happen? You seem like a tool? Who cares? At least people have heard of you now. Gotta get that name recognition baby! Now, you gonna finish that corn dog, or what?” People also tend to forget that when that quote was given Payton was at a county fair talking to a child who was eating a corn dog. Heinicke will have an opportunity to prove his Favre bona fides by playing through an injury this Sunday, and if he does so, you can believe he’ll be the first to point it out.
Eagles 25-22
Tennessee at Pittsburgh
I wonder if the Steelers are jealous of the other teams that don’t have a tie. They all get interesting new records this season like 9-8 or 8-9. Meanwhile Pittsburgh is going to finish with something lame like 8-8-1. That’s basically a 2020 record! Sure they have the Lions to keep them company, but who wants to be in the same boat as the Lions (Outside of that guy from Life of Pi, of course. Oh wait, that was a tiger. Forget I said anything)? The way I see it the Steelers' best option is to tie again and avoid the embarrassment of being basic as hell. Don’t be surprised if this one goes to overtime and Roethlisberger starts taking knees in field goal range.
Steelers 24-21
Houston at Jacksonville
The Jaguars fired Urban Meyer this week after multiple stories surfaced about his abusive behavior towards his players and staff. To me though, those stories sound like the complaints of a bunch of people who don’t know what it is to be a winner, like Urban Meyer. The only explanation for the Jaguars’ terrible record is that everybody in the organization but Meyer is to blame. And now we’ll all see, when Jacksonville gets even worse over the last four weeks. Just watch, somehow they’ll go 0-6. Of course, the Texans won’t just roll over and let the Jags stake their claim to being the league’s worst team uncontested. Expect a close, agonizing contest. One that will make you want to kick all the players involved.
Texans 24-17
Sunday Afternoon
Cincinnati at Denver
It’s a clash between two of the countless 7-6 teams in the AFC. Ok, maybe not countless. There are five of them. That’s still pretty astonishing though, right? What might be even more awe-inspiring is that the Broncos are included in that group. I could imagine them as a 6-7 team, but 7-6? Whoa, that’s a bridge too far jocko. And don’t even try to convince me that they can get to 8-6. I’m picking the Bengals, because frankly I don’t want to live in a world where these Denver Broncos have a .571 winning percentage. Can you imagine?!?
Bengals 30-20
Atlanta at San Francisco
At 6-7 the Falcons are one of the many NFC teams featured in the “In the hunt” section of the playoff graphic displayed on every network’s broadcast. But this feels like someone who got called late on a Friday to see if they’d want to come along on the next day’s hunting trip. Um sure, they’ll come, but really they’re just there because there was an extra seat in the car. Sure they’ll hang out and drink some beer, but they’re not actually going to take a shot at anything. Unless, of course, they drink too much beer, then say, “Check this out!” while they clumsily spin a rifle around in a mock color guard routine before accidentally shooting their own kneecap. It’s 50/50 whether or not they’ll walk again, but everyone of the NFC teams, including the Falcons would tell you it was funny as hell. So yeah, in that way Atlanta is "in the hunt."
49ers 33-17
Seattle at Los Angeles Rams
The Seahawks’ defense has surrendered the most yards in the NFL this season. On the flip side, they’ve given up the fifth fewest points. Call these guys the rubber band men, because they bend but don’t break. Though, if you stretch a rubber band far enough it can definitely break. And then sometimes you find a real old and busted rubber band at the bottom of a junk drawer that’s super brittle and just crumbles in your hand. Then you stare at the remnants and think, “You call that a defense?” Seattle will need to maintain their elasticity this Sunday if they plan on making it out of LA with a win and their slim playoff hopes intact.
Seahawks 27-24
Green Bay at Baltimore
Most of the discussion leading into this game has been about Lamar Jackson’s ankle and Aaron Rodgers’ toe. Uh yeah, it’s safe to say this is gonna be a FOOTball game. And don’t get me started on Marquez Valdez-Scantling’s arch. Throw in Justin Tucker to boot ... Boot?!? It just keeps getting footier. So anyway yeah, this is probably the game of the day, which means you’ve likely seen plenty of analysis about it this week. But I know you come here for the feet stuff you sick twist.
Packers 31-26
Sunday Night
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
The Buccaneers can clinch the NFC South with a win here. But if they lose ... well they'll clinch it next week. But hey, there's still plenty of intrigue in this one. And to illustrate that point, here's Cris Collinsworth:
That doesn't sounds like a healthy working environment Cris. In fact, it's borderline illegal.
Buccaneers 27-17
Monday Night
Minnesota at Chicago
The Vikings nearly blew a 29-0 lead last Thursday against the Steelers. The fact that they were able to hang on probably saved Mike Zimmer’s job ... for now. If Minnesota had lost, Zimmer would have been fired on his ride home. And he lives right around the corner from the stadium, so that’s saying something. A flight home from Chicago would offer the Minnesota brass plenty of time to can Zimmer if they so choose. I should have mentioned earlier that it’s the Vikings’ policy to fire their coaches in transit. I think Zimmer will be safe again after this one, but if we hear that he’s been booked on a hot air balloon ride during the week we’ll know something’s up.
The football world has been abuzz
over the 60+ yard pass that Justin Herbert uncorked last Sunday while
avoiding oncoming Giants rushers. And I’m guessing Patrick Mahomes not
only saw the attention it garnered, but will do his best to one up
Herbert on Thursday night. Look for Mahomes to take the opening snap and
sprint backwards, eventually running out of bounds at his own 5 yard
line. An obvious gambit to set himself up for a 90 yard throw, which
he’ll attempt on the ensuing play. The pass will travel an inadequate,
yet impressive 72 yards in the air before falling incomplete. Mahomes will tear all the muscles in his arm in the process. As he’s
helped off the field he’ll stop by Herbert and say, “Your move, big man,” before vomiting from the pain.
Hey remember when these teams played a terrible game on
prime time 2 weeks ago? They’re back for more! But hiding amongst 6
other day games like a shamed pet. What they did on that Sunday night
was bad. Very bad. Bad boys! I’m flushing all their treats down the
toilet. Well great, now the toilet’s clogged. Ya know, if a product
shouldn’t be flushed down the toilet they should really make that known
on the label. Or maybe even provide a chart that illustrates how much of
it can be flushed. For instance, can 3 pounds be flushed at once? No?
Ok, well thanks for the heads up, now I know not to flush 3 pounds of dog
treats down the toilet. Now I don't have to call a plumber and try to
explain that I tried to flush multiple bags of dog treats in an effort to shame the Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns.
Ravens 23-18
Jacksonville at Tennessee
The Titans are following up their bye week with a visit from the Jaguars. It’s always nice to have a light week of work when you come back from vacation. Hold my calls, cancel all my meetings, and get me a home game with the Jags.
Titans 27-17
Las Vegas at Kansas City
The Chiefs offense is back ... to be being lackluster. I thought maybe they were breaking out of their almost season-long funk after that last Raiders game in Week 10, but that no longer appears to be the case. In the two games since they’ve averaged 20.5 points. And when you consider that they averaged just 16.5 in the two games prior to Week 10, that performance against Vegas is looking like an anomaly. But here’s the thing, KC has won all of those games I just referenced. They’re on a 5 game streak and are back on top of the AFC West, so who cares if they don’t put up huge point totals anymore? Well, fantasy owners, casual fans, touchdown investors. Yes, touchdown investors. The market has dried up on the Chiefs this season. I bought high and can’t unload anywhere now. If Mahomes doesn’t get it together soon I’m going to have to sell my house!
Chiefs 24-17
New Orleans at New York Jets
We all made fun of Taysom Hill’s big contract extension, or at least I did. And ya know what, I felt vindicated last Thursday when Hill threw 4 picks during the Saints' loss to the Cowboys. Sure, he ran for over 100 yards, but that kind of illustrates the problem: he’s not a professional quarterback. Now, New Orleans isn’t paying him starting quarterback money, but they’re still paying him way above normal X factor money. Though, his $10 million per season is probably right in line with what Simon Cowell made on The X Factor, but I think we both know that’s not what I was talking about. Oh, you did think that’s what I was talking about? I’m not sure how to respond to that. It seems like either you’re lying or just a ridiculous person.
Jets 20-17
Dallas at Washington
Washington has won consecutive games by the same score: 17-15. That exact final score hadn’t happened in an NFL game for 5 years prior to two weeks ago. Now Washington has accounted for 2 of the 14 all-time occurrences within a week (Monday 11/29 and Sunday 12/5). Is there any chance for a turkey? Uh yeah pal, but you’re a bit late, we already ate it all on Thanksgiving! But if you’re seriously asking about the odds of a third straight 17-15 final, well don’t hold your breath. The Cowboys have only totaled 15 or fewer points once this season, so it doesn’t seem likely. Then again, this is the time of year to believe in the extraordinary. And if Washington wins this game 17-15 who’s to say anything is impossible? Of course, if that doesn't wind up being the final score it will just reinforce the idea that there is no Santa, or even a god. So there’s a lot hinging on the result of this one.
Cowboys 18-17
Atlanta at Carolina
It’s America’s favorite rivalry! Falcons and Panthers! And this time there’s playoff relevancy! Both teams come in at 5-7 and needing a win to keep pace in the NFC’s pathetic playoff picture. This is not what the founding fathers had in mind when they created the 3rd wild card spot, but nonetheless here we are. The Falcons seem like the pick here, but it’s hard to trust them. It’s no easier to trust the Panthers though. Of course, I don’t trust anyone aynmore, not since what happened at that McDonald’s. I said NO onions on the McRibs!
Falcons 30-24
Seattle at Houston
Houston beat Tennessee in Week 11, then promptly followed that up with a loss to the Jets and a shut out from the Colts. I guess that aforementioned Titans win, their second of the season, went to their heads. Either way, the Texans are now the only team in the league that’s been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. And that includes the Lions! Some would say Houston has nothing to lose. I’d argue they have nothing to win. They might as well lose out and get the best draft pick they possibly can. And with their benching of Tyrod Taylor in favor of Davis Mills it seems like that’s exactly what their aim is. Now what is Mills’ aim? Usually off.
Seahawks 27-16
Sunday Afternoon
Detroit at Denver
Under Vic Fangio, the Broncos are 1-20 when losing at halftime. So if you check the Denver score at halftime on any given Sunday and they’re behind you have no reason to watch the rest of that game. One could argue there would be no reason to watch the first half of a Broncos game either, but that’s not the point. Perhaps if there’s one team in the league that Denvercould overcome a second half deficit against it’s the Lions. Correction, it was the Lions. That’s before Detroit got their first win last week. Now they’ve got a taste for blood and they’re hungry for more. The good news for them is that they only have to win one half, the rest will take care of itself.
Broncos 17-14
New York Giants at Los Angeles Chargers
Over the last three weeks the Giants have scored 10, 13, and 9 points. Sounds like the first three holes of every golf round I’ve ever played. On the fourth hole I usually drive the cart into a sand trap and walk off into the woods. What if there are no woods, you ask? Simple, I walk into the irons. Look for the Chargers to win and the Giants to have another terrible hole. You can mark them down for an 8 though.
Chargers 28-8
San Francisco at Cincinnati
Both of these teams crashed hard last week and now find themselves clinging to the final playoff spot in their respective conferences. Their Week 13 losses should have shocked no one though, considering these Bengals fall off a cliff any time they get to 3 games over .500, and the 49ers can’t beat the Seahawks. Seattle has bested Frisco in 17 of their last 20 meetings. Now that these squads’ inevitable pitfalls are out of the way they’re free to win this week. However, one must stay in the pit, where they will live for at least another seven days, feeding off whatever scraps are cast aside from the fans in the stadium. Will the lack of nourishment result in weakness? Or will their desperate struggle to fend for themselves result in a sort of feral tenacity and make them the team that nobody wants to play in the postseason? Mostly for fear of rabies.
Bengals 33-28
Buffalo at Tampa Bay
Earlier in the season a lot of people would’ve thought this was a Super Bowl preview. Now? They’re still saying that. I should’ve specified that the people in question are Bills fans. It should be noted last season the Bucs were 7-5 last season before winning 8 straight en route to a Super Bowl championship. Could the Bills pull off a similar feat? Sure. They just need to start playing better than anybody else. That was the key to Tampa’s run last season. And most Super Bowl champs, come to think of it. If Buffalo can tap into something similar they have a great shot.
Buccaneers 30-27
Sunday Night
Chicago at Green Bay
On paper this doesn't look like a competitive match-up. But games aren't played on paper, they're played on grass, exclusively now that the Raiders don't have a baseball infield in play. While that dynamite analysis should suffice, let's go the extra mile and hear NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth's thoughts on this one:
Packers 31-10
Monday Night
Los Angeles Rams at Arizona
The Cardinals can all but clinch the NFC West with a win this Sunday, which should make the Rams the more desperate team. But if you ask me, the Rams have been desperate for some time now. They regularly unload draft picks to trade for big name talent. I don’t think they have a selection in the first three rounds until 2027. If desperation equaled wins the Rams would be undefeated, and I would’ve had more dates in high school! But seriously folks, just because LA needs the win more doesn’t mean they’ll get it.
Some would say playing only four days after
losing to a winless team is the best thing that could happen to the
Vikings. But those people are failing to take into account the multiple Minnesota
players that have quit football since their loss
to the Lions on Sunday. Some reports have it as high as half the roster.
Hopefully the Vikings can field at least 22 willing participants and
this game won’t have to be forfeited. Though, their chances of winning
aren’t too high anyway considering they’re taking on the red-hot
Steelers, winners of one in a row. Judging by the seasons these teams
have had so far, there will be a stupid/inept play by a quarterback to
squander someone’s chances. So I guess it’s the rare case of whoever has
the ball last loses.
I don’t think I’d be surprised no matter how the Bucs’ season turns out at this point. Win the Super Bowl again? Sure. Lose four games and miss the playoffs entirely? Unlikely, but I guess I could believe it. A touchdown on every drive from now on? You’re kind of pushing it now, but ok, sure. Safeties, nothing but safeties? What does that even mean? Whatever it is, no, that’s not going to happen. Yes, I know I said nothing would surprise me, but that’s before I knew you were gonna pull this shit. Just for that, NO safeties for anybody. Sorry, you brought this on yourself.
Buccaneers 31-24
Arizona at Chicago
The Bears are coming off a 2 point win over the Lions. The transitive property means you can safely assume they’ll lose their next game as long as it’s against someone other than the Lions. And that’s exactly who they’re playing on Sunday, not the Lions. Tough break for the Bears. As it turns none of Chicago’s remaining games are against the Lions. As a result it’s quite possible they won’t win again until next season.
Cardinals 27-16
Los Angeles Chargers at Cincinnati
For the last couple weeks the Bengals have performed at a level that should inspire confidence in us all. So you know what that means ... they’re definitely losing this game. We’ve been through this before with Cincy. After they crushed the Ravens to get to 5-2 they promptly followed that up with a loss to the Jets. Though perhaps the fact that the Bengals are playing a (maybe) quality opponent now means they won’t sleepwalk through this game. And if that’s the case then the good news for Cincinnati is that the remaining teams on their schedule are currently all .500 or better. I imagine the Bengals looking at that, getting a wry smile on their face, and saying, “Wouldn’t have it any other way ...” then losing every single game.
Chargers 30-27
Minnesota at Detroit
On Thanksgiving, Lions coach Dan Campbell illegally called consecutive time outs with 1:54 left in the game. This cost his team 5 yards, giving the Bears a much better chance to convert a crucial 3rd down, which they did. On the ensuing 1st down, Chicago called a timeout as the play clock wound down to get their strategy in order. Makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that Dan Campbell was trying to call his third timeout at the exact same time, after almost the whole play clock had run out! First off, that’s stupid because he wasted :35, and it’s also nonsensical, because why would he even care to stop the Bears from taking a snap at that moment? Was he afraid they had his coverage beat? Good! The best chance Detroit had at winning was letting Chicago score a touchdown and getting the ball back as quickly as possible. It was a stunning avalanche of ineptitude from Campbell and company. I will no longer feel bad for them if they go winless on the season. I now believe they deserve it. Alright, maybe that’s a bit harsh, I’m gonna pause for a minute and think that over. See, now that’s an appropriate use of a time out.
Vikings 26-20
New York Giants at Miami
Both of these teams are getting some, "Hey ya know they’re not that bad" buzz. And I agree. These squads are both getting to that level we’re they’re just good enough to not make the playoffs while also playing themselves out of a top 10 pick in the draft. It’s that real sweet spot of mediocrity where your fans resent you doubly. Come to think of it though, the Dolphins don’t have their own pick in the first round (they do have the Niners’), so continuing to win won’t hurt them. Also, the Giants have the Bears’ first round pick in addition to their own. So really, both teams should feel free to win out. Then again, that was probably their mindset at the beginning of the season, and that’s turned out less than ideal.
Dolphins 23-16
Philadelphia at New York Jets
A week after an abysmal game in a MetLife Stadium loss to the Giants, Jalen Hurts and the Eagles must return to the Meadowlands. This has to feel like a recurring nightmare for Hurts. A nightmare where he shit the bed. It’s a real deja poo scenario. But with Philly just on the outside of the playoff picture, Hurts has no choice but to climb out of his bed, peel off his messy pants, rinse his buns, wash his sheets, take an Imodium, wash his sheets again, then get back out there and show MetLife who’s boss. Or at least try. We all know he can’t be the true boss of MetLife, that’s Snoopy.
Jets 20-17
Indianapolis at Houston
After playing Buffalo and Tampa in consecutive weeks, the Colts get a respite in the form of a trip to Houston. Sometimes NFL scheduling actually works. Of course, sometimes it doesn’t, which is the case for the Browns right now. They played a lousy game at Baltimore last Sunday night, they have a bye this week, followed by a home game against ... Baltimore. That’s like having a terrible day, going to sleep, then waking up to realize it wasn’t a dream and that you have to deal with your problems all over again. But do you actually deal with them? No. You just keep trying to sweep things under the rug, ignoring the fact that the real problem is looking right back at you in the mirror. At this point some of you might be wondering what this has to do with this Colts/Texans game. Sounds like your typical deflection strategy to me. When will you learn?
Colts 27-23
Sunday Afternoon
Washington at Las Vegas
The Raiders are in a pattern of zigging when we all expect a zag. Winning games we don’t think they will and then completely no showing in what should be easy victories. They’re trolling all of us collectively ... and me specifically. Go back and look at the comments on all of my past posts, it’s nothing but the Raiders telling me to eat poison or cook my own head. Nevertheless, I continue to write, undaunted by the vicious professional football team that relentlessly attempts to drag me down to their level. Nice try Vegas, but when you go low, I go high. And while I’m up here I’m going to drop bags of piss on you. And sorry, I’m not gonna tell whose piss it is. But it might be mine, and I might have been eating a lot of asparagus lately.
Raiders 27-17
Jacksonville at Los Angeles Rams
The last time the Rams had a home match-up against an opponent this inferior they almost lost to the Lions. Since then they only have 1 win and are currently on a 3 game losing streak. Maybe that narrow escape against Detroit shook them to their core. I mean, if I barely beat the Lions I’d have a crisis of confidence too. And I’m just one man, the Rams are 53. A blowout win over the Jags could kick start a late season turnaround for LA. Then again, another poor performance could send them plummeting into an even deeper existential pit from which there may be no return. Or I guess they could win by like 13, which would equate to some sort of purgatory, and probably an eventual first round playoff loss.
Rams 34-21
Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Anyone watching the end of last Sunday’s Steelers/Bengals tilt had to be wondering why Ben Roethlisberger was still in the game with his team down by over 30 points. Heart? Hmm, maybe. Punishment? Could be. But I think it’s more likely that at this point in his career Roethlisberger has no idea what the score is at any given moment in a game. He just picks up his helmet and walks on to the field without a thought in his head. Then he continues to play without any thoughts in his head. Though now that I’m thinking about it, it’s debatable if that’s any different from the rest of his life.
Steelers 23-21
San Francisco at Seattle
Nine Decembers ago, this match-up was flexed into Sunday Night Football, officially christening the Niners/Hawks rivalry as one of the hottest in the NFL. Now, in Week 13 of 2021 it’s been flexed out of Sunday Night Football, officially signaling that a national audience is no longer interested in watching these teams play each other at this point. There are a lot of contributing factors, but I think we can all agree that the Niners are to blame. Their lack of consistency and inability to keep star players healthy makes them a risky bet for prime time games. Pretty sad the shape that this franchise is in. I just hope they find some semblance of success soon so that this rivalry can become relevant once again.
Seahawks 23-17
Sunday Night
Denver at Kansas City
The Chiefs' offense is back! Or maybe. They exploded for 41 points against the Raiders in Week 10, but then managed only 19 against Dallas and took last week off. Meanwhile the Broncos seem to be a different team from week to week. So who knows what to expect? Perhaps only one man, Cris Collinsworth:
Chiefs 24-16
Monday Night
New England at Buffalo
This has to be frustrating for Buffalo. After going 13-3 last season and winning the AFC East following the departure of Tom Brady, the Bills must have thought this was their division now. “You had your time New England, now it’s our turn! Um excuse me, what do you think you’re doing? Hey, why are you winning so many games? Shoot, we just lost another one because we were too busy worrying about this. What’s our record now? They’re ahead of us?!? How did this happen?!? We got one year to be happy?!? That’s it?!?” That was an official statement from the Bills organization. It was printed on their letterhead and everything.
