8.30.2019

2019 NFL Preview

Are ya ready for some football? Hank “Bocephus” Williams Jr.’s query has never been more apropos, as we prepare to embark upon the 100th season of the NFL. Though, when Hank normally asks that it’s immediately preceding a football game, so I suppose it’s very timely then as well. Regardless, I sincerely hope you are ready, but if you’re not then you’ve come to the right place. In this season preview I’m going to meticulously break down each and every one of the 256 regular season games and the 11 playoff match-ups that will transpire between now and February 2nd. So grab yourself a sports beverage and a package of Clif bars, because you’re going to need electrolytes and a bunch of ... ya know what scrap the Clif bars, I’m not a big fan of those. Can you get your hands on smelling salts? Good, because this is going to take a while and I don’t want you dozing off. You’ll need to be focused, so keep that packet handy ... No don’t EAT the smelling salts! They're for smelling! It's right there in the name! Damn it, now I need to take you to the hospital, which means I won’t have nearly enough time to write about all those games. Ya know what, fine, I’ll just pick the winners on a week-by-week basis like I always do.

Ok, but before we go let’s take a more macro approach and fast forward to the end of the season to see what each team’s record will be. Since the NFL realigned to their current 8 division format in 2002 an average of 6 new teams make the playoffs each season. So if we trust the averages, and I always do, that means half of 2018’s playoff field won’t be returning in 2019. But who’s out, and why? Allow me to enlighten you my friend. Also, how we doing with those poisonous salts you ingested? Still with me? Have your always been purple? They’re beautiful; very unique. Anyway, here are the teams that won’t make it back to the postseason and why:

AFC

Indianapolis Colts
Andrew Luck retired. He was arguably the best quarterback on their roster.

Baltimore Ravens
The coaching staff has tailored their offense to capitalize on the talents of fleet-footed quarterback Lamar Jackson, a strategy that will undoubtedly result in Jackson being injured by November. And this time they don’t have the FlaccMan to save their ass. And by “save their ass” I mean do a mediocre job for lots of money.

Los Angeles Chargers
Melvin Gordon is holding out, Derwin James is hurt, and I needed to drop a third team. Sorry guys, it’s not you, it’s the rigid format I’ve chosen to operate within.



NFC

Chicago Bears
After Cody Parkey missed a potential game-winning field goal in the first round of the playoffs last season, Bears coach Matt Nagy made finding a reliable kicker a priority for 2019. Too much of a priority if you ask me. He’s freaked everybody out. The psyche of this team is more bruised than that 2 month old banana in my pantry. Why don’t I throw it out you ask? Really? We’re food shaming now? You’re the dipshit that ate smelling salts.

New Orleans Saints
Speaking of bruised psyches. These guys have suffered brutal playoff losses in consecutive seasons. You gotta think it will be difficult to focus on the grind of the regular season after working so hard and coming so tantalizingly close to greatness two years in a row. Either that, or they’ll use it as motivation to win the Super Bowl.

Dallas Cowboys
The uncertainty surrounding the Ezekiel Elliott holdout makes me skeptical, as does the fact that Jerry Jones announced that the team will be wearing their pants as jerseys and their jerseys as pants this season. On second that might have been something I dreamed. Either way, I’m keeping them out.


At this point you’re probably wondering which 6 teams will replace them in the postseason. You’re also probably wondering when we’re actually going to start driving to the hospital. Soon, I promise. But not before we check out the projected end-of-year standings. Look on the bright side, WebMD says you should have been dead by now anyway, so you’re actually doing great by comparison.


AFC East

New England Patriots
12-4
New York Jets
8-8
Buffalo Bills
6-10
Miami Dolphins
1-15

AFC South

Houston Texans
10-6
Jacksonville Jaguars
9-7
Tennessee Titans
7-9
Indianapolis Colts
4-12

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers
10-6
Cleveland Browns
9-7
Baltimore Ravens
8-8
Cincinnati Bengals
5-11

AFC West

Kansas City Chiefs
13-3
Los Angeles Chargers
9-7
Oakland Raiders
6-10
Denver Broncos
5-11

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles
11-5
Dallas Cowboys
8-8
New York Giants
6-10
Washington
3-13

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons
10-6
New Orleans Saints
9-7
Carolina Panthers
8-8
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
7-9

NFC North

Minnesota Vikings
10-6
Green Bay Packers
10-6
Chicago Bears
8-8
Detroit Lions
5-11

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks
16-0
Los Angeles Rams
11-5
San Francisco 49ers
7-9
Arizona Cardinals
5-11

And now let's see how the playoffs will shake out ... Hey! HEY! (SNAP SNAP SNAP) Wake up! You with me?!? I understand you feel like your organs are shutting down, but that's probably just the salts playing tricks on your brain. Just try to remain conscious long enough to see my playoff picks.


Wild Card
Steelers over Jaguars
Texans over Browns
Divisional
Chiefs over Texans
Patriots over Steelers
Championship
Chiefs over Patriots


Wild Card
Vikings over Packers
Rams over Falcons
Divisional
Eagles over Vikings
Seahawks over Rams
Championship
Seahawks over Eagles


Super Bowl LIV



Seahawks
54
Chiefs
0
 

 
So there you have it! We've prognosticated the whole NFL season and lived to tell about it. Or at least one of us did. Sorry, that took a bit longer than I expected. If it makes you feel any better I'll be dedicating my picks this season to your memory. Unfortunately I never caught your name, so that will make things difficult, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?