NFL Picks Week 8

As of this posting, the weekly NFL Picks have become the most tagged subject in the history of Henry Cotto's Mustache. There were a lot of people who said it would never get this far, but apparently they didn't understand that there are no editors on this blog and that I can make a post every week regardless of whether or not anyone is reading. If you actually do read this then thank you, I appreciate it, and don't believe what anybody says, that shirt you're wearing doesn't look terrible on you.

Sunday Morning

Arizona @ Baltimore

The Ravens played against the Jags last Monday, and in strict football terms they shit the bed. It would sound stupid to say that Joe Flacco is Baltimore's MVP, but the fact is that when he plays well they win. If he doesn't play well, the defense can still carry them, but if the Flac-Man is slangin' it, a W is a sure thing. So, the question all of America is now asking is, and I quote, "Will the Flac-Man slang it?" I say that this week he will.

Ravens 29-14

Minnesota @ Carolina

It's Ponder vs. Newton! Not since Bird and Magic has there been a more anticipated match-up of rookies (and no, I do not mean Larry Bird and Magic Johnson).

Panthers 30-24

Jacksonville @ Houston

Both of these squads showed me something last week. The Texans proved they can win without Andre Johnson, while the Jaguars proved they can win. Arian Foster had a huge game for Houston, running for over 100 yards and receiving for over 100 as well, a rare feat that results in quite a few Madden points. In fact, the Texans should have enough for at least a couple cards after last game. Jack Del Rio commented that he hopes it's not the one for unlimited timeouts because that can have a major affect on the end of the game; he went further to say that if any of the cards are used it would be "totally cheap." Either way I think the Texans have the advantage in this one.

Texans 24-16

Miami @ New York Giants

The Dolphins have taken tanking to new heights, and I'm not even talking about their 4th quarter collapse against Denver last week. Did anybody see who they just signed to play quarterback? J.P. Losman ... as in Loss-man! If there was a superhero whose super power was losing football games that would be his name. They're just flaunting it now.

Giants 27-17

New Orleans @ St. Louis

The Saints are coming off a record-setting offensive performance, but now they find themselves up against ... hold on, I have to look it up. Sorry gang, I'm a little unprepared. You would not believe the week I'm having, but that's besides the point, let me just find that opponent. Ok, almost got it ... looks like it is ... The Rams!? Oh fuck, just call it off now. This is going to be like one of those middle school basketball games where they just shut the scoreboard off at halftime so that the other team doesn't feel bad. At least the 12th Ram won't have to worry about being quiet when the Rams get inside the red zone.

Saints 41-12

Indianapolis @ Tennessee

Last week I mentioned how I was starting Curtis Painter in fantasy. Needless to say after his literally negative performance I got rid of him faster than Shooter McGavin gets rid of caddies who tell him to chip onto the green with a 5-iron. Speaking of disappointing efforts, the Titans were obliterated last week by the Johnson-less Texans. My only explanation is that Matthew had something better to do so Tim Hasselbeck replaced him and they just thought no one would notice. Nice try guys, I got ya. Anyway, Matt will come back this week, which will equal a win.

Titans 28-10

Sunday Afternoon

Detroit @ Denver

Last week when I said that Tim Tebow doesn't know how to quit I didn't realize how right I'd be. What I failed to mention was that it also takes him quite a while to get going. Did it matter that he only had 40 yards passing before his consecutive 4th quarter touchdown drives? No, because he was playing the Dolphins. My guess would be that he won't be able to pull off the same trick against any other team, and if he can then it's just stupid and I'll stop liking football (which isn't much of a stretch after watching last week's Hawks game). The Lions should stop their 2 game skid here.

Lions 21-13

Washington @ Buffalo

America wasn't big enough for this game, so these teams have decided to ... (:40 mark) Yes that's right, this game will played across the border in Canada, which some jerks refer to as "America's hat." First of all, that's not very clever, and second of all, Canada is much larger than the United States, so that would be like someone wearing a hat that was bigger than them and that just doesn't happen outside of Dr. Seuss books. The Canadian setting seems like a disadvantage for the Bills, because there's no chance the crowd in Toronto will affect the game like the people in Buffalo do. In fact, the fans will probably be confused by the presence of a 4th period and they may even leave after the 3rd. Even with all of this I'll still take the Bills, because I believe that the Redskins are in the midst of losing 9 games out of 10.

Bills 23-17

Cincinnati @ Seattle

I think we can all agree that those Char-lie chants at home games should never happen again. Just when it seemed that the Hawks actually had a competent offense they go and do something like that ... and do NOT redeem themselves. I understand that we were missing our starting QB, RB, and center, and the officiating was suspect at best, but 3 points against the Browns? Not on my watch! While we're on the topic, I've been watching from too far away, this team needs me. Last time I went to a game I made it snow and got in Brett Favre's head, resulting in 25% of the Hawks' wins for the whole season, all in one afternoon. I think I can handle Andy Dalton. And if you happen to be in the Nest on Sunday get ready for some of this.

Seahawks 20-13

Cleveland @ San Francisco

After getting an in-depth look at the Browns offense last week I don't see any way that they'll manage to put up points on the powerhouse Niners. Nope, this is as sure as wins get in the NFL. Congrats in advance to San Fran for getting to 6-1, nothing can stop you on your march to a Super Bowl title.

49ers 16-0

New England @ Pittsburgh

All of a sudden Pittsburgh is 5-2 and leading their division. Doesn't this always happen with the Steelers? We start to think they suck, then before we know it they're sneaking their way into the Super Bowl, those slimy bastards. Another thing that happens quite a bit with Pittsburgh is that they're humbled when they play Tom Brady. Brady's beaten them four times in a row, and I expect him to make it five. And if he doesn't it will position the Steelers as the favorites in the AFC, and may God have mercy on our souls.

Patriots 31-24

Sunday Night

Dallas @ Philadelphia

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that because this game is being played on the night before Halloween there will be an Eagles fan who dresses up like a zombie Tony Romo. Romo will see this and believe he's come face-to-face with his own mortality and that it actually is his dead self from the future. Furthermore, because the costume will feature a Romo jersey, Romo will be convinced that he is going to die during a game. For the rest of his career he will be mortified every time he puts his uniform on. Surprisingly, he'll still have some pretty productive years.

Eagles 28-25

Monday Night

San Diego @ Kansas City

The Chiefs came into their last game with 5 interceptions on the season. In one game against the tandem of Kyle Boller and Carson Palmer they picked off 6. Does this mean the Chiefs' defense is improving? Not necessarily, but it does mean that the Raiders are going to be a lot of fun to watch for the rest of the season. KC has won three straight though, and this is the first of three consecutive home games for them. They'll need to win all of those because they precede a murderous five game stretch in which someone will probably get murdered, hence my use of the term murderous. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, I think they'll drop this one seeing as how their winning streak has come against the Vikings, Chiefs, and the aforementioned combo leading the Raiders.

Chargers 24-21


NFL Picks Week 7

Last week was my most successful in the history of these posts. I posted an astonishing, and now to be expected, 12-1 record. The only incorrect pick? You guessed it, the 49ers. Well I've learned my lesson, I'm picking the Niners from here on out, starting this week. What's that? They have a bye? Oh well, it was a good run Niners.

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Cleveland

Jackson or Whitehurst? It's kind of like asking shotgun or machete. Either way we're going to kill you Cleveland. The Hawks are clearly now a powerhouse that can win on either coast and in any time zone, so the early start in this one presents no problem. This is a big game for both teams, whoever wins will get to 3-3 and still have playoff hopes going forward, and the loser will fall to 2-4 and likely be out of contention ... unless, of course, that 2-4 team is the Hawks, because no matter what their record is they find a way into the playoffs. But that point will be moot.

Seahawks 23-16

San Diego @ New York Jets

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Rex Ryan eats everyone.

Jets 16-13

Chicago @ Tampa Bay

Tampa fans have to be relieved that this game is being played in London, now they don't have to think of a reason not to go see the Bucs play this Sunday, they can finally just relax and go do some outdoor activities, or whatever it is those jerks do instead of sitting, drinking, and watching football all day. As for the game itself, playing in front of a tepid, mostly disinterested crowd should make the Bucs feel right at home, and I think they'll feed off that.

Buccaneers 20-17

Washington @ Carolina

This seems like the perfect game for the Panthers to pull a mild upset in. They've hung around with everyone they played, but a tough schedule has yielded only one win. Meanwhile, the Redskins are thinking about starting John Beck? Gross man.

Panthers 28-17

Atlanta @ Detroit

There's been quite the debate over who deserves more blame for the handshake fiasco that occurred after the Lions-Niners game last week. Jim Schwartz definitely seems like a turbo, and he probably didn't need to go after Harbaugh twice, or make physical contact, but I don't blame him for being pissed. Then there's Harbaugh, who was described the following way by Mill Creek, Wa resident Arne Andersen, "He's an asshole asshole asshole, and he'll always be an asshole." Longfellow couldn't have said it better. Either way I think the disappointment from that loss lingers into this week for Detroit.

Falcons 27-24

Denver @ Miami

A lot of people are accusing the Dolphins of tanking games, and watching Matt Moore it's hard to argue the contrary. But has anybody told Moore why they're tanking? Does he think they're trying to get o-line help with that #1 pick? Meanwhile, Tebow gets his first start of the season. This is a man that doesn't know how to quit, a skill that would translate well to "I Quit" matches, but is equally important in football.

Broncos 20-17

Houston @ Tennessee

Andre Johnson has been upgraded to questionable for this game, which means the Texans' chances to win are still awful. Why? Look who they're playing, it's Matt and the boys (a nickname that I'm fairly certain all of Tennessee is currently using in reference to the Titans). Matty don't lose at home, he never did with the Hawks and he hasn't yet with the Titans. And this is is just the first of three straight home games for Tennessee, so expect them to get to 6-2 and take a stranglehold over the worse than the NFC West AFC South.

Titans 26-20

Sunday Afternoon

Kansas City @ Oakland

It appears that the Raiders will opt to start new acquisition Carson Palmer over incumbent back-up Kyle Boller, a man who has been living in Palmer's shadow ever since they were both in the Pac-10 (that's what it was called back then). But isn't this the same thing we saw when the Colts brought in Kerry Collins to start when their best option was actually someone who had been with the team and knew the offense, despite his track record? Not exactly. Collins is a good deal older than Palmer, the Colts' offense is more sophisticated than the Raiders', and Kyle Boller isn't a secret badass like Curtis Painter (more on him later; there's a tease that will keep ya reading eh?). Be that as it may, I still think Palmer will struggle.

Chiefs 23-19

Pittsburgh @ Arizona

It's a rematch of Super Bowl XLIII, and it's finally time for Kurt Warner to get revenge on Ben Roethlisberger. Just kidding, as we all know Warner is retired, and his vengeance will come in the after-life. Unfortunately for Arizona fans they'll have to rely on Kevin Kolb to exercise their demons. I'm not saying that he can't do it, I'm just saying he won't, and also he probably can't.

Steelers 31-21

Green Bay @ Minnesota

It's become clear to most that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league, and probably the best player. But I think we need to extrapolate this even further, is Aaron Rodgers the best person at his job in all of America? I say yes. If Kevin Calabro was still calling Supes' games my answer would obviously be different, but tragically that is not the case.

Packers 30-14

St. Louis @ Dallas

Here we have the NFL equivalent to the current World Series match-up. Yes, that's right folks, the World Series is being played right now, and it's Cardinals vs. Rangers. Unlike their baseball counterparts both of these teams have struggled so far, furthermore, these teams barely ever use bats during their games, which is really a shame. Sam Bradford's TD/INT numbers do look just like a full count though. That's right, he's thrown only 3 TDs and 2 INTs. How is that possible after five games? Just do something already, if you're not going to be good then just start slangin' picks. It's more fun that way, just ask Romo.

Cowboys 27-10

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ New Orleans

I've come to a frightening point in my fantasy season, I'm starting Curtis Painter. If you told me this before the season started I would have called you a rat bastard liar and told you to give me back my shirt (in this case I'm assuming that was told to me by James, who has had my Grand Archives shirt for quite some time). But now I'm not even that worried, I think Painter's got the chops, or at least chops enough to throw for a lot of yards in a losing effort, the true mark of a successful fantasy quarterback.

Saints 35-21

Monday Night

Baltimore @ Jacksonville

A lot of people are saying that this has been the worst slate of Monday night games ever, others are saying that those other people say that every year, still others are saying, "It's a good thing Bocephus's song got pulled because if he asked me if I was ready for some football and this was the game I honestly don't know what I'd say to him." I agree with everyone. Maybe the answer is taking NBC's idea of the Flex game one step further and having Flex teams. For instance, ESPN could flex the Jaguars out and flex in someone else on the Ravens' schedule who has a bye this week, like Cincinnati; then the Jags trade bye weeks with the Bengals. You might be saying, "But what about the fans in Jacksonville?" To which I'd say, watch it pal, I make the jokes around here.

Ravens 20-6


NFL Picks Week 6

Last week I inadvertently predicted the death of Al Davis. While some of you may blame me for his death, you should keep in mind that the PickBot 4000 was still writing the picks at that point, so it's really not my fault. My only mistake was creating a machine that was too accurate.

Sunday Morning

San Francisco @ Detroit

I'll admit that the Niners were impressive in their 48-3 dismantling of the Bucs last week. And I'll also admit that I was surprised to find out that Alex Smith is the 3rd highest rated passer in the league right now. However, he's also thrown the least passes of any QB to start all of his team's games. So in essence, the Niners are playing a game of checkers and they haven't moved their back row. It's a good, safe strategy, but sooner or later they'll be forced out of their comfort zone. Also, Calvin Johnson is leading the league in "king me's" so I think the choice is clear.

Lions 24-20

St. Louis @ Green Bay

Here the league's best team takes on the league's worst. Not so fast 12th Ram, St. Louis is the latter. This has the potential to be a huge blowout, or a game in which the Packers get bored with how easy it is, resulting in a mildly disappointing 17 point victory. Hmm, let's just go with the first one.

Packers 41-10

Carolina @ Atlanta

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Cam Newton introduces his new slogan "Newton's Law says I'm gonna throw all over yo ass," which takes the nation by storm. Within weeks it will be on t-shirts and lunchboxes, it will probably be too long to fit on hats, but that's beside the point.

Falcons 27-26

Indianapolis @ Cincinnati

Painter vs. Dalton! NFL fever, catch it! In all seriousness though, Painter has looked decent as the Colts QB, but even his dad's ultimate set of tools couldn't fix everything that's wrong with the Colts. Meanwhile Dalton continues to be a steady presence in the Bengals backfield ... one that will be shaken to its core when Cincy visits the CLink after their bye week.

Bengals 20-16

Buffalo @ New York Giants

It's clear that only an exceptional team can go into MetLife Stadium and beat the Giants. And while I love the Bills, their road loss to Cincinnati two weeks ago worries me. Like I've seriously lost sleep over it. I'm losing sleep over it right now, trying to think of something else to write about this game. Whoa, wait a minute, both of these teams play in the state of New York ... so that's something. I'm sure there's some sort of trophy given to the winner of this game. Ok, I'll be honest, I wrote that before doing any fact-checking, there is no trophy.

Giants 27-21

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh

Gabbert is making a push for the team to wear their black pants this week for obvious reasons.

Steelers 24-7


Philadelphia @ Washington

Well the casket is pretty much sealed for the Eagles now, and the Redskins have taken notice. They have challenged Philly to make this a "Buried Alive" game. In a related note, they have signed this man to play tight end. But I say that being backed into a corner will bring out the best in the Eagles, and they'll get the win. Of course, this will instantly make FedEx Field haunted because it will be sitting on an Indian burial ground.

Eagles 27-24

Sunday Afternoon

Houston @ Baltimore

My prediction that the Texans would not win a game without Andre Johnson is looking pretty solid after one week. Johnson was obviously needed on the final play of the game when it appeared that Matt Schaub got tired of looking for someone to pass to so he just gave up and threw it to the nearest Raider. Things don't get any easier with Mario Williams out for the season and a trip to Baltimore on the schedule. But you know what they say about Matt Schaub: when the going gets tough, Matt Schaub really loses his shit.

Ravens 26-17

Cleveland @ Oakland

It's hard to believe that the Seahawks let Aaron Curry slip through their fingers like so many a dropped interception by Aaron Curry, but I wish him well with the Raiders. Actually, if he performs even marginally well I'll be pissed. Just for fun let's take a look at the linebackers taken immediately after Curry in the '09 Draft: Brian Cushing, Clay Matthews, James Laurinaitis, and Rey Maualuga; not to mention Brian Orakpo, who is something of a hybrid ... Whoops! That pick turned out to be a boner. Is that what you thought you'd see when you clicked on that link? Wait, if it wasn't why did you click on it? Perv. So yeah, I'll take Oakland.

Raiders 23-13

Dallas @ New England

In this game Brady and Romo are going to get more action in the air than this guy. By the end of the game the defensive coordinators will wish they hadn't stopped sniffing glue.

Patriots 38-35

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

After a rough loss last week it will be nice for the Bucs to not feel the pressure of playing in front of a full crowd. Tampa may have hit rock bottom last week, which means there's nowhere to go but up. Well, that's not always true, sometimes you just stay at rock bottom for a while, if not for the rest of your life. But I think these Bucs have heart, and I think they'll come back with an upset win over the Saints, who are playing their third straight road game.

Buccaneers 26-23

Sunday Night

Minnesota @ Chicago

This is a tough one to pick a winner in. The Bears o-line has been pathetic and now they have to deal with Jared Allen, who is leading the NFL with 8.5 sacks this season. On the flip side, Donovan McNabb is the Vikings' starting quarterback. As you can see, both offenses are at a great disadvantage. In the end I'll go with the home team

Bears 17-14

Monday Night

Miami @ New York Jets

So the rule about never picking Miami at home still holds true, only now that rule applies when they're on the road too. The Jets have dropped three in a row, but there's no better way to get healthy than a visit from Matt Moore. And no, I'm not talking about Matt Moore, the OBGYN from Arizona, I'm talking about the starting quarterback for the Dolphins.

Jets 27-9


NFL Picks Week 5

The bye weeks have started in the NFL, and in that spirit I will be taking the week off too. The following is the result of a computer program I wrote that simulates what I would say given the combination of any two teams. Much like myself, it usually ignores one of the two teams which I can only take as a sign of the program's success. Enjoy!

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ New York Giants

After last week's performance my feelings towards Turdvaris can be best described in a MacGruber quote: "I'm startin' to like this guy!" Of course, if you've seen the movie (everyone, I hope) you'll know that that quote ends with "...just kidding, still hate you!" Perhaps I'm saving that last part for Sunday, or perhaps not mother effers! I'm guessing that Pete Carroll has learned his lesson and this week he'll try to get the ball inside the 40 yard-line before attempting the game-winner, which Hauschka will make. (Side-note on the attempted field goal to end the game last week: I hated the call by Carroll. Absolutely hated it. I hated it to the point that I frightened a small child at the bar because I was yelling so loud. With the way the offense was moving the ball, getting eight yards on one play was way more likely than making a 61 yard field goal.)

Seahawks 20-19

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh

Here's an important step in the Matt Hasselbeck Redemption Tour. Come Sunday he'll be looking to exercise more demons than when he stopped watching internet porn. Speaking of that, I think we should all pledge that if MH gets the win this week, we stop watching internet porn. And by "we" I mean Andy Foy. C'mon, enough is enough pal. Just kidding, he'll never read (this).

Titans 17-14

Cincinnati @ Jacksonville

The Bengals have shown that they have a solid defense, meanwhile, Blaine Gabbert has shown that in the face of a pass rush he'll leave a solid dump in his pants; which is a little strange, because in a panic situation you might expect diarrhea, but no, I've seen pics, they're firm turds. Speaking of seeing picks, we'll see plenty from Blaine in this one.

Bengals 19-10

New Orleans @ Carolina

Brees vs. Newton, this one could get explosive! Literally. It is finally time to take power, and what better way to display technology's might than to blow up the fat, lazy humans' favorite diversion. All will weep. All will weep. (Erik's Note: Uh-oh, looks like this program may have gotten a bit out of control. I guess I'll take over from here.)

Saints 33-30

Oakland @ Houston

Andre Johnson is expected to miss the next few games, which means I'm expecting the Texans to lose the next few games. Of course, we're past Week 4 so it's a good bet that they'll lose most of their games from here on out anyway. As for the Raiders? Just win baby! - Al Davis RIP.

Raiders 31-24

Philadelphia @ Buffalo

An Eagles loss here could put the nail in their coffin. However, that's kind of an antiquated notion, because coffins are rarely used these days, it's mostly caskets; furthermore, if you tried to put a nail in a casket it would most likely just bounce off, that is if you've purchased yourself a quality casket, which you really should because ewww worms gross!

Bills 30-27

Kansas City @ Indianapolis

It's games like this that ruin Survivor leagues, because with these two playing each other you can't pick against either. It's become clear that Curtis Painter can run this offense better than Kerry Collins could, but that isn't too impressive considering about half the quarterbacks in the league have been able to say that at one point or another. Regardless, Painter gives the Colts a chance to win ... this game.

Colts 20-16

Arizona @ Minnesota

I had to go to jury duty today, and I realized that if you act dumb/crazy enough they will dismiss you. I'm now convinced this is what Donovan McNabb is doing in Minnesota.

Vikings (I guess) 16-13

Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco

Didn't catch the end of the Niners game last week, but I'll just assume they lost. Moving on, if you missed the comments section from last week's picks I admitted that I had apparently given the Tampa fans too much credit. They already had a year-long Stinger last season! Now they're definitely neck and neck with St. Louis for the title of worst fans in the NFL. In a related note, to pay homage to this ineptitude, every time I drink so much that I black out I will say I got Tampa Bay'd.

Buccaneers 23-20

New York Jets @ New England

I'd like to address the fact that people still consider Joe Namath's comments on the Jets relevant. Who gives a shit? Hey old man, if you feel so strongly maybe you should come out of retirement and even out your career TD/INT ratio, you only need to throw 47 touchdowns and no picks and they'll be all tied up. Congrats buddy, you said you'd win a game 43 years ago and then you did, but that doesn't mean we need to listen to every word that comes out of your mouth now. If we did you'd probably be sucking face with Suzy Kolber as I type.

Patriots 28-20

San Diego @ Denver

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the red plasma that gives man life will spew from the humans' soft outer layer making the once joyous stadium a cavernous tomb. The revolution is here, and it will only be televised if the TVs say so. (Erik's Note: Ok, I'll come clean, I gave the program another crack at it. My mistake, I'll take care of these last two picks myself.)

Chargers 21-14

Sunday Night

Green Bay @ Atlanta

Aaron Rodgers returns to the scene of the crime. I say that literally, he committed quadruple homicide on the Falcons' secondary in last year's playoffs. I heard the cops were gonna arrest him afterward, but then they were like, "Na man, that was too badass." This season the Packers look even better and the Falcons look much worse; I mean, these guys almost blew it against the Seahawks! (whoops, that's not what I meant) Taking that into account I have to pick Green Bay.

Packers 35-27

Monday Night

Chicago @ Detroit

I think we all know what Lex Luger would say about this Lions team. And if you don't then you should really start watching more mid 90s WCW. Perhaps the most impressive part of Detroit's undefeated start is that they haven't lost any games! And that three of those wins have come on the road, a place where they'd lost their last 46 games (pretty sure that's the number).

Lions 27-17