NFL Picks - Week 3


SEASON: 22-10


Sunday Morning


Chicago at Atlanta 

During Atlanta’s collapse against Dallas last week one of the announcers said it would be an “unimaginable loss” for Falcons fans. Look buddy, these are Falcons fans you’re talking about, no loss is unimaginable at this point. That being said, Atlanta massively blew that game, and their season seems to be in a downward spiral. But guess what, Falcons hunt in a downward spiral! Maybe. I’m not sure, but it seems reasonable enough, and works with the motif I’m going for. The Bears are 2-0 but I don't think I’m very impressed. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I’m not impressed. They have a pair of four point wins over the Lions and Giants. And sure, all they can do is beat the teams on their schedule, but if they had beat those teams by a lot more I’d be taking the Bears more seriously. Normally not taking bears seriously is dangerous, but I ain’t in the woods baby, so who gives a rip? 


Falcons 29-24

Los Angeles at Buffalo 

Ah, tale as old as time, the great city rivalry of Los Angeles and Buffalo. It’s always, who’s got the better wings? LA or Buffalo? Where are the best beaches? LA or Buffalo? Which one is the real entertainment capital of the world? None of these questions will be answered on Sunday, but as a consolation we might find out which city has the better football team. They both look like playoff squads so far, though I’m pretty sure all but like 8 teams are going to make the playoffs this season, so what does that really mean? Still this one should be entertaining, which is fitting because it’s being played in Buffalo, the entertainment capital of the world. I know, I know, don’t at me.


Rams 27-20

Washington at Cleveland 

At the end of his team’s loss to Arizona last week, Washington coach Ron Rivera chose not to use his remaining time outs while down 12 in the 4th quarter. If he had stopped the clock he would have forced the Cardinals into kicking their field goal earlier and giving Washington the ball back with much more time than the :26 left they ended up having. Sure they would’ve only had a minute or two, but it’s definitely more likely to come out of that scenario with a win than if you sit and watch the clock run out. So what gives? I’m guessing Rivera was trying to send a message to his team. And that message is ... I don’t really know what I’m doing here guys. It’s blunders like these that would make Rivera a more fitting coach for his opponent this week. Though, from what I saw last week coaching for the opponent seems to be Rivera’s specialty. 


Browns 26-21

Tennessee at Minnesota 

What is happening with these Vikings? They’re 0-2, their defense has given up the second most points in the league, and they’ve had perhaps the worst quarterback play in the NFL. Maybe a downgraded supporting cast is to blame, but Kirk Cousins has been godawful. He’ll need a complete turnaround to make the Vikings into a contender. Does he have that in him? I’m not sure, but over the next few weeks we’re going to learn a lot about Cousins. His favorite color, his dream job, who he has a crush on, like if he had to choose. We’ll also know if his future involves being a starting quarterback in the NFL. I’ve already given up on the Vikings, which of course means that they’ll win this game. But if I were to pick them to win again this week they’d no doubt lose. What a conundrum. I’ll side with the Titans because they’re like a kid who’s parents are only children, they don’t have Cousins. 


Titans 20-17

Las Vegas at New England 

In a conference call with New England reporters this week, Raiders coach Jon Gruden referred to Cam Newton as “Slam” Newton, a nickname the coach apparently bestowed upon him when they met back in 2011 before Newton was selected first overall in the draft. So basically Gruden came up with what he thought was a clever nickname, it didn’t get over, and now, nine years later he’s still trying to make it work. Just let it go Jon. People weren’t buying it then, and they aren’t now. Look, back in the 90s my dad called Charles Barkley Charles Barfley one time. The important part of that sentence is that he did it one time. We didn’t laugh so he moved on. And the thing is, Charles Barfley is better than Slam Newton. Gruden is clearly out of touch, which makes it all the more mystifying that he’s the coach who enters this game with the better record on the season. Sure, it’s a small sample size, but that win over the Saints last week was nothing to sneeze at. And really we should all be trying to minimize our public sneezing anyway. While the Raiders do look better than expected, I have to pick New England here. And I’m not doing it just because I was calling Gruden a dope. I’m not slamming Jon Gruden here. Though Cam Newton might on Sunday. Hey, Slam Newton, how about that for a nickname?


Patriots 31-20

San Francisco at New York Giants 

The Niners were physically decimated last week in MetLife Stadium. Not by the Jets, but by the turf. And now they’re back for revenge. Niners, MetLife, round 2 next on Fox! I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how this game was promoted. I mean, it’s not like the network’s going to want to remind people that the Giants are involved, right? Especially without Saquon Barkley. Come to think of it, I have a solution to that problem that could make this game much more entertaining and provide a measure of atonement for the Niners. New York’s new starting running back? The MetLife Stadium head groundskeeper. Buckle up buddy, you’re about to get wailed on! Actually, I just looked him up and it turns out he played some ball back in high school. Whoa, I found a YouTube clip, you guys he’s got some pretty good moves. From what I’m reading he could’ve maybe got a college scholarship but he quit the team before his senior season because he got too into grass. Well, with or without the MLGK (MetLife groundskeeper) toting the ball I still expect the Giants to succumb to whatever version of the 49ers makes it to the game on Sunday. 


49ers 23-16

Cincinnati at Philadelphia 

Carson Wentz has the second lowest rating of any starting quarterback in the league. Is it possible that he’s hurt? Maybe, but I don’t know what part of his body. In other words I’m wondering from whence is Wentz’s wince? ...

... I want to apologize to my family. The Eagles will need to make a similar gesture if they lose this game. Not because the Bengals are necessarily that bad, more so that a loss would put Philly at 0-3 and on the verge of a total collapse. And if Wentz keeps playing the way he has that’s exactly where they’ll be. At that point they might as well throw in the towel, call Josh McCown, and tell him to get his ass to Philly cuz he’s got games to lose. 


Eagles 30-23

Houston at Pittsburgh 

These poor Texans. They have the worst point differential in the league, but is it their fault? They had to play the Chiefs and Ravens in the first two weeks, and now they have to go to Pittsburgh. Not only that, but they have to play a football game while they’re there! The good news for Houston is that I’m not sure the Steelers are all that good. They beat the Giants in Week 1, then held on to get past Denver in Week 2. I’m not even sure that’s more impressive than losing to the KC and Baltimore by a combined 31 points. If you actually stop and think about it, who’s really 2-0? Yes, I know it’s the Steelers, but I mean if you look at it relatively ... Ok, fine I guess you’re just gonna keep crapping on this. Just for that I’m picking Houston. How do ya like me now? Seriously, what do you think of me? Just kidding, forget it. Let’s move on. 


Texans 27-24

Sunday Afternoon


New York Jets at Indianapolis 

The Jets might very well be the worst team in the league. It’s hard to know if it’s their quarterback Sam Darnold’s fault. But hey, maybe it’s time to give the backup a shot and see what he can do. And of course, the backup is ... Joe Flacco! Oh baby, the FlaccMan gonna rise from the dead! Flacco and Frank Gore in the same backfield? Super Bowl XLVII fans are getting chills at the mere possibility. Oh you didn’t know about the fervent Super Bowl XLVII Stans out there? Yeah there’s a bustling sub-reddit. But don’t go in there with any of your weak crap about Harbaugh Bowl and the blackout, nah you gotta have intricate knowledge of the ins and outs of that game. Like that, uh, Joe Flacco and Frank Gore both played in it. Look, let’s change the subject before r/SB47 comes after me. The Colts got on the right track last week, and now that track takes them directly towards the Jets. Wait, why are the Jets on a track? That doesn’t make sense transportationally. The point is Indy should get a second straight win. 


Colts 24-10

Carolina at Los Angeles Chargers 

The Panthers without Christian McCaffrey feels like when the best character leaves a show and it’s barely even worth watching. Like The Office without Michael Scott, or Family Matters without Aunt Rachel, or Family Matters without Judy Winslow. The Chargers are also without a key member of their backfield as starting quarterback Tyrod Taylor will miss a second consecutive week with a punctured lung caused by an errant painkiller shot from the team doctor. It seems like a calamitous, yet honest, mistake until you consider that the doctor’s name is Dustin Herbert! That’s right, just like the Chargers now starting quarterback Justin Herbert. And guess what, he’s of no relation! Nope, just a coincidence. But he does own a Herbert jersey. Still though, it’s unclear if he bought it just because that’s his name too and he thought it would be funny. And if that’s the case, he’s right, it’s hilarious. Also comical is the prospect of Carolina succeeding without McCaffrey. Much more comical than Family Matters was without Judy Winslow!


Chargers 25-17

Tampa Bay at Denver 

I tried to warn ya Fangio, but you just have to be the rebel. The “bad boy of the NFL” as you like to call yourself. In case you haven’t heard, ol’ Vic went and got himself fined 100 Gs by the NFL for not wearing his mask on the sidelines last week. Could’ve saved himself a lot of dough if he’d read this blog and heeded my advice, but there’s no chance of that happening is there? Hell, I think I saw him smoking a cig in between plays last Sunday. Yeah, he was sporting a leather jacket, listening to rock and roll music, and taking deep drags off a heater. While Fangio’s coaching style may be conservative, his brazen disregard for the rules certainly isn’t. Vic would be wise to wear his mask against the Bucs though, so that the world doesn’t see him cursing out his new quarterback Jeff Driskel. But you know that ain’t gonna matter to the Fangie Man. Get this, he thinks swearing is cool. Can you believe this guy?!?


Buccaneers 27-13

Detroit at Arizona 

At first glance Lions/Cardinals might not seem like much of a rivalry, but don’t forget, these teams tied in Week 1 last year. That stalemate sent these two squadrons hurdling into a dovetail that inevitably led them to this moment. Finally they’ll settle this score. The nation, nay, the world will finally know who reigns supreme. It’s been a long, arduous year, and without a doubt the most difficult part has been that emptiness in all of our souls. A crater that was formed on September 8th, 2019, and, with any luck, will be filled come Sunday. We’re almost on the other side of this thing gang, we just have to hang in there for a few more days. Unless of course they tie again, in which case ... Honestly I don’t even want to think about it. I have to believe that a winner will emerge. In times like these, when the world is tied, belief is all we have. 


Cardinals 30-20

Dallas at Seattle 

The Cowboys ran two fake punts last week and were stopped on both. So either they’ll never attempt one again, or just keep trying until they benefit from the law of averages. But they should be careful with the trickery, because Pete Carroll is a real “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, what’s your deal?!?” type of guy. Though, with the way these offenses can play, it’s possible that neither team will have to line up for a punt in this game, so it may not matter much. If you’re a big fan of the conference player of the week awards you’re no doubt salivating at the idea of NFC’s offensive player of Week 1 Russell Wilson going back and forth with the Week 2 winner Dak Prescott. And that’s pretty gross. Salivating in general is not pleasant, but the fact that you’re doing it while thinking about a football game is truly bizarre. Why don’t we just get to the pick now before you get drool on me. 


Seahawks 34-27

Sunday Night 


Green Bay at New Orleans 

It's a pivotal match-up in the NFC that could eventually have playoff ramifications. For a game this important we're lucky that we have Cris Collinsworth in the booth to breakdown the action. Let's hear what he'll be keeping an eye on come Sunday night:

Whoa, this is one party I am NOT gonna miss. Can I come? You don't have to answer now CC. Just e-mail me the deets before Sunday.


Packers 35-32




Monday Night


Kansas City at Baltimore 

Oh great, Monday Nigh Football. Seems like ever since ABC moved the franchise to ESPN the quality of match-ups has gone down considerably. And in recent years it’s been even worse. So let’s see, what leftover crumbs the NFL gave us this time ... Holy shit! Chiefs and Ravens! How the hell did this happen?!? Maybe it was like an auction style fantasy draft and ESPN spent all they had on this one game. Which of course means that the rest of their schedule is completely made up of $1 pick-ups. But that’s a future problem, and we’re living for today baby! We got the match-up of the year this Monday, who cares what comes after? But it’s not like Giants/Lions is it? Checking ... Nope! So yeah, who cares? In this battle of young MVP QBs who will win? Simple, the fans. Which will make us tied for first in the NFC South. 

Ravens 30-27



NFL Picks - Week 3 Thursday

Miami at Jacksonville

Last week when I first saw the commercial promoting this as the Thursday Night match-up I thought the league would be better off advertising it with a simple full screen graphic that read “There will be an NFL game on next Thursday. Does it really matter who the teams are? Just tune in.” And that’s it. No music or sound of any kind, just 30 seconds of that on the screen. But after watching these teams play their respective games in Week 2 I gotta say, I’m pretty jazzed for Phins/Jags. These teams have just the right amount of friskiness and are lacking just the right amount of competence to make for a highly entertaining affair. Come on, Fitzmagic vs. Minshew Mania? With those two QBs at the helm this game should be aired exclusively on Sling TV. I can guarantee there will be more interceptions than effs given (or at the very least it will be a tie). If the total points end up under 50 you have my permission, nay, encouragement to stop reading this blog forever. JUST KIDDING! Please don’t leave! I was trying to be brazen like Fitzpatrick and Minshew but I didn't dare approach their level. I’m a fraud! (Loud sobbing ...) Anyway, this should be a fun one!

Jaguars 31-29 


NFL Picks - Week 2




Sunday Morning


New York Giants at Chicago 

Oh hell yeah, two big time markets going head to head! The Big Apple vs. The Windy City. But don’t be too worried about gusts this Sunday, because Chicago actually got that nickname from their politicians blowing so much hot air. And of course, we all know that New York City is called The Big Apple because of the giant, 6-story tall apple that’s been sitting on 41st Street since 1911. No one knows how it got there, or how it became so big, or why it hasn’t been removed since it’s been slowly rotting for decades and continues to breed millions of maggots on a weekly basis. But hey that’s just another reason that New York is the greatest city on Earff!


Bears 27-20

Atlanta at Dallas 

Can a Week 2 game be a must win? As far as I’m concerned, yes! And that’s because I say every game is a must win! That would be my policy if I were an NFL owner: every loss, coach gets fired. You might say that’s too short of a leash, but I’d counter by saying, no one tells me how to walk my dog! Obviously whichever of these teams loses can still rally to make the playoffs, but for the Falcons falling into a hole would be an all too familiar feeling. They started 1-4 in 2018 and 1-7 last season, ending up at 7-9 both times. Some say it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish, but those people clearly don’t understand how NFL standings work. On the other side, if the Cowboys fall to 0-2 ahead of a trip to Seattle in Week 3 all hell will break loose ... for Cowboys fans. The rest of the country will be having a ball.


Cowboys 37-20

Detroit at Green Bay 

The common narrative surrounding Aaron Rodgers’ outstanding Week 1 performance is that he’s had a fire lit under him by talk of a drop off in his play and the Packers’ selection of his potential successor in the first round of the draft. Yes, Aaron Rodgers is at his best when he’s angry. And you know what, I just find that really immature. What kind of example does that set for the kids? To tell them that the best way to do your job is pissed off? Disgraceful. It’s the same problem I had with that guy in Avengers. You know, Sean Connery? The lions blew a big lead last week, and I expect them to lose again here too. But on the bright side they might not get ahead at all, so they won’t have to be embarrassed by how badly they blew it.


Packers 34-22

Jacksonville at Tennessee 

Last week I joked about the Jags having no one attend their first game. Apparently I didn’t have up to date information, because there were indeed fans at TIAA Bank Field. And of course there were. I’m surprised they didn’t allow full capacity. I imagine the commissioner would raise a stink if the Jags did permit that, but one of his advisors would likely place a hand on his shoulder and simply say, “Forget it Rog, it’s Jacksonville.” Both of these teams come into this game at 1-0, but only one can come out of it with an iron grip on first place in the AFC South. Who will it ... the Titans. It’ll be the Titans.


Titans 23-10

Minnesota at Indianapolis 

Before the season I picked both of these teams to win their divisions. And of course it’s only been a week ... so you haven’t forgotten yet. But give it about six weeks and no one will be the wiser. I simply make a few quick edits and then when mid season rolls around and we revisit my preseason playoff picks to see how they’re shaping up the Vikings and Colts are no where to be found. It’s unethical, and borderline despicable, but I could say the same thing about how both of these teams played last week. Now one of them will be 0-2 and be looking at, what is historically, an uphill battle to make it to the playoffs. Deciding who that will be is pretty simple: one of them lost to the Packers, the other one lost to the Jags. 


Vikings 31-24

Buffalo at Miami

If the Bills start 2-0 we still won’t know how good they are. Their wins will be over the Jets and Dolphins. It’s like a kid beating up their younger siblings, then showing up at school thinking they’re tough. And who knows, maybe they are. Maybe they waltz in wearing a Big Johnson tee, rub a few kids’ faces in the mud, and get detention for calling their teacher a buttsniffer. Then again, maybe they cry from embarrassment when the teacher tells them to turn their obscene shirt inside out and everyone laughs. It’s anybody’s guess. However, if Buffalo loses to Miami we’ll know exactly who they are. Especially because they’ll be walking off the field with their jerseys inside out. 


Bills 24-16

San Francisco at New York Jets

Just a couple of lousy 0-1 squads. Ok fine, obviously these teams aren’t exactly the same. One wears green, the other wears red. Those color schemes are very different; opposite ends of the spectrum. Other than that though, these groups are in the same boat. Alright, I admit the Jets might be in worse shape than the Niners in the long run. Especially now that LeVeon Bell is already hurt. Maybe it won’t be a big deal though, let’s see their backup is ... checking ... Frank Gore?!? Is that real? Does that make this a Frank Gore revenge game? Does anything count as a revenge game if you’ve played for half the league? I don’t know, but I’m buying it. And in reality LeVeon Bell really wasn’t contributing that much. Maybe the Jets are better off with a motivated Frank Gore carrying the ball. Even if they are though, that probably won’t be good enough. 


49ers 31-14

Los Angeles Rams at Philadelphia 

Last week the Rams held on to beat the Cowboys thanks in large part to an offensive pass interference penalty that was drawn via a masterful acting job by Jalen Ramsey. Somebody should have told him that the Emmy’s are this Sunday! Hmm, I guess the actual acting doesn’t usually happen at the Emmy’s. And if he were hoping to get a nomination, it would make sense to submit his performance before the ceremony. So great job Jalen! Give him the trophy! It’s hard to know if LA’s win last Sunday night was a statement victory over a quality Dallas squad or a narrow escape against a team that is once again destined to underachieve. The Eagles should be desperate after a calamitous Week 1, and I always say take the more desperate team ... unless they really suck. But I think Philly’s decent enough, so I follow my own rules here. 


Eagles 23-20

Denver at Pittsburgh

Broncos coach Vic Fangio regularly took his mask off to talk on the sidelines during Denver’s Monday night loss. That defeats the purpose of the mask. He wasn’t the only coach across the league who was guilty of that practice in Week 1, but Fangio was one of the more blatant offenders. It’s not that big of a deal though since Fangio is a robust 62 years old. As we all know the older you get the better your body is at fighting the virus, because of all the years of experience your immune system has. Apparently those decades of seasoning don’t improve one’s clock management skills though, as Fangio blamed himself for holding onto timeouts in a narrow defeat against the Titans. It’s ironic that Vic ran out of time, since that’s exactly what’s going to happen if he keeps not wearing his mask! I’m picking Pittsburgh to win based solely on this negligence. And also the fact that I think the Steelers are better.


Steelers 30-20 

Carolina at Tampa Bay 

The world desperately wants to laugh at ol’ Tom Brady right now. This poor guy has given 20 years of his life for our entertainment and at the first sign of struggle we all pile on. Making fun of the pick six he threw, or how odd he looks in a Bucs uniform, or how weird his farts probably smell. Yeah I’ve heard it all. And I’m sick of it! He’s gonna come back this week and rub our noses in it. Yes, come Sunday afternoon we’re all gonna know exactly how Tom Brady’s farts smell, and I can’t wait!


Buccaneers 38-17




Sunday Afternoon 


Washington at Arizona

Whoa, I gotta admit, those did smell pretty weird. Anyhow, did anybody think these teams would both be 1-0 going into this match-up? If you say yes I’ll know you’re a liar, and that all the promises you made me were false. It just wasn’t feasible that Washington and Arizona would be playing each other with both coming off wins. That hasn’t happened since 2011! Ok so, that’s not as long ago as I thought it’d be. Actually that 2011 contest also happened in Week 2 when both teams were 1-0. Does that have any bearing on this Sunday’s game? No. But what an amazing tidbit, huh? The bottom line is, one of these teams will be 2-0 come Sunday, and we’ll have to take them for real. The other will fall to 1-1 and comfortably into their familiar role of pesky lil’ scamps. 


Cardinals 26-18

Kansas City at Los Angeles Chargers

After he turned into the sex car from Titanic last Thursday I wouldn’t be surprised if Andy Reid switched from a face shield to a mask this week. If and when he does, a reporter at the postgame press conference will ask him why he made the move, to which Reid will reply, “I haven’t the foggiest!” The crowd will go wild, someone will toss Reid a top hat and cane, and he’ll do a little leg kick, tip-o-the-cap saunter. The reporters will hoist him onto their shoulders, their gleeful energy so powerful that he’ll be light as a feather. Oh wait, the press conferences are all remote now. Maybe this scenario isn’t so realistic after all. It also doesn’t seem realistic for the Chargers to be able to contain Patrick Mahomes, but surprisingly his highest yardage total in four career games against LAC is 256. KC is also 3-1 in those games, so passing yards are probably overrated. Regardless of how gaudy Mahomes’ stats are the Chiefs should win and their coach should be able to see it all much better this time.

Chiefs 31-13

Baltimore at Houston 

Yeesh, the Texans have a tough opening schedule. First the Chiefs, now the Ravens. But hey, it’s like Ric Flair said, “To be the man you gotta beat the man.” Though in the NFL that’s not totally true. You can win a weak division, skate into the playoffs, then hope some other teams pull upsets to eliminate the heavy hitters. But, “To be the man, you gotta catch some breaks and hope for the best” doesn’t have the same ring to it. Baltimore looked to be in mid season form in Week 1, then again they were playing the Browns. Meanwhile, Houston was frustratingly disheveled as per usual, then again they were playing the Chiefs. So while the Ravens’ competition increases here, the Texans’ remains just as tough. So what does that mean? I dunno, Baltimore by 7?


Ravens 30-23

Sunday Night


New England at Seattle

The new look Patriots (they let their quarterback run now!) versus the new look Seahawks (they let their quarterback throw now!). Who prevails? Let's see what the man who will be calling them game thinks. Cris?

I don't think we were supposed to know most of that. But you're an open book CriColl, and that's why we love ya. 

Seahawks 24-19




Monday Night


New Orleans at Las Vegas

This feels like the schedule taunting us. America’s two biggest party cities going head to head in a country with no partying! What’s that? People in these cities are still partying? Oh people all over the country are still partying? That’s not good. I guess some folks would rather die than not party. Or, more to the point, would rather other people die than not party. Well, despite what I’m sure would be thousands of willing attendees the Las Vegas Raiders will not be allowing any spectators into their brand new stadium. A stadium that I’ve heard compared to the Death Star more than a few times. But I’m not sure exactly why. The Death Star was gray. Allegiant Stadium is black. They don’t look like each other! Why do people keep saying this?!? I guess you could say it looks like Darth Vader’s armor, but the thing about Darth Vader’s armor is that it’s not the Death Star. Look, I have to stop writing about this game, it’s making me too upset. Definitely not in a party mood.

 Saints 38-24 




NFL Picks - Week 2 Thursday

Cincinnati at Cleveland

There are a lot of similarities between starting quarterbacks Joe Burrow and Baker Mayfield. Both were slighted backups in college who transferred before winning the Heisman and being drafted #1 overall, all the while displaying a certain panache. Their paths continue to parallel as a vengeful God deigned to crush their respective spirits by banishing them to pro football purgatory: Ohio. Of course, the Bengals and Browns haven’t always been lousy. In fact, Cincinnati was a consistent contender throughout the first half of the last decade. But when you consider that the combined amount of playoff wins between the two franchises over the last 25 seasons is zero, you can imagine that they wouldn’t be the most desirable landing spots for a couple of young quarterbacks who are used to success. But hey, a truly great player makes his own destiny! Well, not really, destiny by its definition is predetermined, so that’s not possible. But perhaps Burrow and Mayfield aren’t destined to fail ... Ok, perhaps Burrow isn’t destined to fail. He’s only played once after all, and he was mostly solid. Though I have to assume that starting his 2nd NFL game on three days of prep will work to his detriment. I’ll take the Browns, but not feel great about it.

Browns 23-16



NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning


Seattle at Atlanta 

Strangely enough the Chick-fil-a in Mercedes-Benz stadium will be open on Sundays this season even though there will be no fans to enjoy it. It’s a faulty business model, but that doesn’t bother the Chick-fil-a folks. They just want to stick it to the liberal elite and declare that they’re gonna do things their own way! And speak of the devil, a bunch of coastal scumbags are going down to Georgia this Sunday. If it were up to these Seattle folks, all the players on the field would have to stay 6 feet apart. Pffff. The field’s not even wide enough for that ya geniuses! Regardless of their loose values and assaults against personal freedom, this Seattle group will probably still win, because city folk always have something up their sleeve. That’s right, they wear sleeves. Don’t get me started ...


Seahawks 27-20

New York Jets at Buffalo

There’s optimism in Buffalo that the Bills could win their first division title since 1995. Back when the nation had Pac-Man fever and an actor from California made it all the way to the White House! Urkel ruled the airwaves and a group of British mop tops drove America mental. Look, I’ll be honest, I forgot what was really happening back in 1995, and odds are that most Bills fans don’t remember either. What with the majority of them having suffered concussions at a tailgate. But that doesn’t mean their optimism is delusional, it’s not like they’re Jets fans. Look for Buffalo to win and the whole team to do the Macarena afterward. Hey! The Macarena! There’s something from ninety ... six. Damn it!


Bills 24-13

Chicago at Detroit

If you’re planning on watching two NFC North games on Sunday, this should be on your list. If you’re low on screens though don’t worry too much about missing this. Actually, that begs the question, how many screens at home would you need for this game to find its way onto one? Based on the fact that there are 9 early games, I’d say 8. And no, I won’t tell you which game it beats out ... but it’s Raiders/Panthers. 


Lions 23-18

Green Bay at Minnesota

Kirk Cousins made waves recently when talking about virus concerns by saying “if I die I die.” Wouldn’t it be ironic if what killed him wasn’t COVID but a merciless Russian boxer? I didn’t say it would be funny, just ironic. I mean sure, I’d laugh, and you would too, but it’s not like we want it to happen. And that’s what makes us good people: If pressed we would not want Kirk Cousins to hypothetically be killed by a Russian boxer. Bravo to us! And bravo to you Kirk Cousins, for your bizarrely casual take on death. On the bright side you may one day wind up on the list of “Greatest quarterbacks to never win a Super Bowl and die of COVID.”


Vikings 27-24

Miami at New England 

When I saw Bill Belichick in a Subway ad a couple weeks ago I knew the Patriots dynasty was officially over. He’s clearly desperate now. By this time next year he’ll have a show in Branson, Missouri. Apparently not being doused with Gatorade at the end of last season has left him thirsty. It’s possible that he’ll never get that celebratory bath again. And that’s a shame, because I’m willing to bet that it’s the only time he has a bath of any kind. Hey that’s not what I meant; I’m just saying he seems like more of a shower guy. But also that he smells ... probably like a Subway now. It will be interesting to see how the Pats looks without Brady, and considering they lost this same match-up last season with Tawmy, there’s a very real chance that they could drop this opener. But following a unique offseason I have to give the advantage to the team with the better coach. And despite his recent foray into mediocre sandwich hawkery, that’s Bill Belichick. 


Patriots 27-12

Philadelphia at Washington

The Eagles are employing Josh McCown as their emergency QB. But not a normal emergency QB, no, McCown will be separate from the team and only be called into action if COVID wipes out the Philly quarterback room. That’s right, Josh McCown is the King Ralph of the NFL. And anyone who’s seen that movie is rooting for exactly that to happen. Actually, what we’re really rooting for is John Goodman to become the Eagles quarterback. But I suppose a 41 year old high school coach is the next best thing. Now that I think about it, the dad from Just The Ten Of Us is probably the poor man’s Goodman, not McCown, but that’s beside the point. Hey, speaking of points, here’s how many I think both teams will score:


Eagles 26-16

Las Vegas at Carolina

The Raiders are now in their third location in 25ish years. It makes you wonder where they’ll go next. Where does someone go after Vegas? Wait a minute, the Branson Raiders with head coach Bill Belichick?!? Mark my words. Mark them! Oh, sorry didn’t see you marking there. My bad. As for this particular game, do you have Christian McCaffrey on your fantasy team? No? Me neither, so let’s move on!


Raiders 31-26

Indianapolis at Jacksonville

It’s pretty shocking that the Jags aren’t one of the teams that has decided to allow fans. Though it’s possible that the team has told fans that they can come to the stadium, and that the people of Jacksonville simply said “No thanks.” Not because they’re concerned about safety (c’mon), just that they’d rather not watch what’s going to happen in person. They’re exercising their own sort of opt out clause. As has the Jaguars’ front office. It’s clear that they’re thinking more about the future, and with good reason. Who wouldn’t want to amass high draft picks after a bastardized college football season? On the other hand, the Colts are gearing up for a playoff run this season, or at least they better be, because their new quarterback is a 38 year old father of 8. Come to think of it, is the Rivers family disobeying social distancing ordinances just by all living together? 10 people in one house can’t be legal (but it can be hilarious). He’ll be out of the house this weekend, and should get a win. 


Colts 34-17

Cleveland at Baltimore 

Baltimore’s last regular season loss was at home against the Browns. You can bet that the Ravens haven’t forgotten. Or you can bet that they have forgotten. I’ll give you +110 on “have.” C’mon, want some of the action? Fantastic! Wow, $500! That’s a sizable wager, but I think I can handle it. Now I’ll just stash this away for safe ... what the hell is this? Counterfeit money?!? You son of a ... It’s orange! I could tell right away. Ok, fine it took me a second. I thought maybe it was some sort of new alteration the government made. Wait why am I explaining myself to you? You’re the one who tried to cheat me! Get the hell out of here, I never want to see your face again! Actually, can you come back and read the rest of these picks, and then the 16 weeks after that? Oh, and don’t forget the playoffs too. Thaaaanks!

Ravens 36-24

Sunday Afternoon


Los Angeles Chargers at Cincinnati

The last time these teams played in Cincinnati was the 1981 AFC Championship game, also known as the Freezer Bowl. That’s an amazing bit of scheduling happenstance, combined with my total fabrication of a stat. But hey, if I can’t remember it happening, does it really count? Turns out the answer is yes. I learned that the hard way when I was convicted of a number of sleepwalking crimes. The Chargers can’t afford to sleepwalk through this one. Sure they’ll probably win, but trust me they should not sleepwalk. Terrible things can happen. Terrible, life-altering things. Like losing to the Bengals.


Chargers 20-17

Tampa Bay at New Orleans

With the additions of Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, the Bucs are now the most must see TV Florida has had to offer since The Golden Girls or the final season of Dexter. And yes, I know both of those took place in Miami, but c’mon name one TV show that was set in Tampa. You can’t, because there aren’t any. Nothing interesting happens in Tampa ... outside of Busch Gardens of course. That’s what makes this situation all the more intriguing. Maybe not as thrilling as a ride on Tigris, Florida’s tallest launch coaster, but it should still be fun. 


Buccaneers 30-27

Arizona at San Francisco

Can the Cardinals do what the Niners did last year and enjoy a meteoric rise from division doormat to Super Bowl loser? If you believe the preseason buzz then the answer is, “Well not so fast, but they might make the playoffs.” Whoa mama, this hype train is outta control! Stop it, I want to get off. Let me out at like the 8-8 mark. With that in mind, they should put up a fight here before ultimately derailing down the stretch.


49ers 28-21

Sunday Night


Dallas at Los Angeles Rams

An intriguing match-up to open the Sunday Night schedule made all the more intriguing by the man in the booth calling the game. He's back with us for another season, so let's get right to him. Ladies and gents, CriColl:

Cris, have you been tested recently? Your voice sounded a bit off there. Anyway, who am I to disagree with CC? I'll go with Los Angeles.

Rams 29-26




Monday Night


Pittsburgh at New York Giants

I have a strategy for the Giants that I think just might work; hear me out. Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will show up to the stadium and, being the oblivious oaf I like to believe he is, ask if he can see his old draftmate Eli. To which the Giants should respond, “Eli Manning hasn’t been the quarterback here for 50 years.” This would no doubt send Ben into an existential spiral, causing him to question his own mortality. And as we all know, existential spirals are detrimental to throwing football spirals, so Roethlisberger would be in real trouble. Now, will the Giants actually do this? No. Just another sign that they’re an organization in disarray, and a prime example of why they’ll lose this game.


Steelers 35-20

Tennessee at Denver

I have a feeling that the Broncos may pull the mild upset. They’re playing at home so ... actually who knows if that will even matter. This season will be a true test of fans’ impact on the game. Will home winning percentages drop without crowd support? Or is the home field advantage more about travel and having to get ready in a slightly less luxurious locker room? I pray that it’s the former, otherwise it will mean that we don’t matter at all. That I’ll have to stop saying “we” like I’m actually part of the team. The Titans have to win to avoid shattering our fragile illusion. And if they don’t, then God help us all. Seriously God ... help us all. What are you waiting for?!?


Broncos 24-23