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NFL Picks Week3

So last week turned out a bit rough, I went 6-9. Look, I'd love to say I did it on purpose for comedy's sake, but I don't want to lie to you guys. Luckily for all of you, there's no head coach who can pull me after a bad week, unlike the guy in our first game.

Sunday Morning

Tennessee @ New York Giants

VY getting benched was clearly just a ploy by the NFL to set-up the ratings bonanza that will be the Kerry Collins Bowl. This is also a match-up of Titans and Giants, so needless to say, this is a BIG game. (Pause for laughter .......... nothing? Well then you better stop reading now.)

Giants 21-20

Pittsburgh @ Tampa Bay

I don't like either of these offenses, however, they say that the best defense is a good offense. Well, since both offenses are bad that would mean that neither defense is very good. Hmmm seems like I'm at a crossroads here. When in a bind, I go with the team that cheats to win.

Steelers 17-9

Cincinnati @ Carolina

Clausen Alert! Word on the street is that Jimmy's getting his first start. Also, I've been told that that's what he would say when he showed up to parties at ND. I don't like either of these teams, but I really don't like Jimmy Clausen.

Bengals 21-12

Cleveland @ Baltimore

New Browns vs. Old Browns, sounds like a fight in the pit of an outhouse. POOP JOKE! Here's my Wacky Pick of the Week: The two teams agree to combine into one, Little Giants style. The Ravens organization is dissolved, and everybody seems pretty cool with it afterward, even the people in Baltimore, it's weird I know.

Ravens 20-6

Dallas @ Houston

Anybody aware that this game is known as The Governor's Cup. Who cares? I'll tell ya someone who does ... Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas. You wanna cross Rick Perry? Well if you do, you better look behind you .... cause that's where the Ranger's gonna be. Anyway, Dallas is desperate, they have to win right?

Cowboys 28-27

San Francisco @ Kansas City

This is another Sleeper Game. KC has a chance to get to 3-0, meanwhile San Francisco's Offensive coordinator apparently falls asleep when he's supposed to be calling plays.

Chiefs 20-17

Detroit @ Minnesota

I would actually really like Favre if he retired right now. I would totally flip my opinion on him if he was just like "Nuts to this man, I can find some other place to slap butts." Eventually the Vikes have to top 10 points, and I think they'll do it here.

Vikings 21-14

Buffalo @ New England

A lot of people are saying the Bills are the worst team in the league, and that might be true. My advice? Just say screw it, cut all your players and fill the roster with people named Bill. It would be the most literal team nickname in the NFL since 1923 when Chicago fielded a squad full of Kodiak bears. Fun fact, they're starting QB had a higher career rating than Kyle Boller.

Patriots 35-13

Atlanta @ New Orleans

Turns out I forgot to pick the Atlanta/Arizona game last week. What does that tell you? The Falcons are sneaky. Sneaky enough to beat the Saints at home? Yes!

Falcons 28-25

Sunday Afternoon

Washington @ St. Louis

The Rams have hung tough in both of their losses, however, those games were against the Cardinals and the Raiders. That's like saying you came pretty close to acing that 2nd grade spelling quiz (which is apparently the equivalent of having a 138 IQ, because Foy's done both).

Redskins 24-17

Philadelphia @ Jacksonville

Maurice Jones-Drew is a supposed Fantasy expert, but he's having a horrible fantasy start to the season. I seem to remember him telling anybody who would listen to take him first in their draft. Is it possible that he didn't get himself in his league and he actually cares MORE about fantasy than reality so he's tanking his season? I say yes. With his continued lack of production the Eagles will surely win.

Eagles 31-21

Oakland @ Arizona

Here they are, the aforementioned Ram beaters. This is kind of like hooking up with an ugly and/or slutty girl and then being at a party where another guy whose hooked up with that girl shows up. There's a certain level of understanding between the two. You might nod, or give each other a sheepish grin. Neither one is proud of what they've done, but if they didn't do it somebody else would have, it's just the way the schedule broke.

Cardinals 22-13

San Diego @ Seattle

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I got furious when the Hawks made the score 31-13 with a TD and Carroll didn't go for 2. I have no idea why he wouldn't do it. If you get it, it's a two possession game, and if you miss it, you're down 18 instead of 17, which is basically no difference at that point. Is it the reason we lost the game? Yes. Cut and dry. Anyway, I guess we'll have to settle for 15-1.

Seahawks 21-18

Indianapolis @ Denver

The Broncos seem unbeatable at home, so this will be a real test for Indy.

Colts 28-20

Sunday Night

New York Jets @ Miami

The Dolphins have started out 2-0 on the road, and now it's back to SunShark Stadium ... No? That's not it? LandLife? ProMan? The point is, how can their fans have an identity, if their stadium is a schizophrenic? I'm not sure being home is much of an advantage. Although, it is when the other team's QB is Mark Sanchez. I don't care that he played well last week. As I've already pointed out, even a Kodiak bear can throw a TD every now and then.

Dolphins 19-16

Monday Night

Green Bay @ Chicago

Every year Monday Night Football rams a Packers-Bears match-up down our throat. Luckily for them, it's actually relevant this year. In fact, it's Week 3's only meeting of undefeated teams (besides PIT/TB, but c'mon, TB doesn't count.) Cutler's due for a 3 pick game, and what better time to do it than a home Monday night game.

Packers 27-14



In what can only be described as pathetic...

our once high profile blog doesn't even appear on a "Henry Cotto" yahoo search until the third page.

Oh and in other pathetic news... David Schoenfield has a nice article on the M's hitoric season here.


NFL Picks Week 2

Last week I missed the Jacksonville/Denver game by one point, so it's clear that I'm back. (Read more!) Just kidding, I didn't even try to use the 'read more.' Sorry Bateman, I've buried your post much in the same way the Hawks buried the Niners .... aaaaaand we're off!

Sunday Morning

Philadelphia @ Detroit

Did everyone see Michael Vick in action last week? He looked awesome, and just as fast as ever. He really shook off that prison rust. It seems like he really could have used a football halfway house, a team that is sort of like pro football that could have helped him assimilate back into society. Maybe he should have played last year with the Niners. As for Detroit, I think they're going to have trouble considering Calvin Johnson can't even catch the ball. I mean c'mon, hold on to the damn ball butterfingers!

Eagles 26-13

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

It was nice to see Housh getting way too excited about drawing a questionable pass interference on Monday. Way to go Teej, you really know how to work those refs for the cheapies, you're such a bad ass. I'm glad he reminded me why I hated having him on the Hawks. That being said, I'm scared of the Ravens D. Like legitimately frightened. I think it's because they're all on 'roids. You heard it here first! Can't wait to see Schefter ape that story from me too.

Ravens 20-10

Kansas City @ Cleveland

I was watching an ESPN show called Hey Rookie Welcome to the NFL, (I think that was the title, whatever it was seemed like their fallback in case they couldn't come up with anything better.) on the show it was revealed that Colt McCoy didn't know what division OR conference the Browns were in! If you ask me that's just as bad as Antonio Cromartie struggling to name all 7 of his children on Hard Knocks. The irony of it all is that Cromartie's 2 year old is actually named AFC North.

Browns 16-13

Chicago @ Dallas

If I had to watch a fight to the death between Romo and Cutler I would root for the Rancor. (I'm assuming, of course, that the fight is taking place in a Rancor's pit.) If for no other reason than that I don't want to have to see the Rancor Keeper cry again. To sum up my analysis, I think the Cowboys bounce back at home.

Cowboys 24-14

Buffalo @ Green Bay

As my Wacky Pick of the Week I say that both of these cold weather teams agree to have snow trucked in to Lambeau on Sunday. Eventually things will break down into an all out snowball fight which will prompt Brett Favre to request an immediate trade back to the Packers so he can "Get in on that shit."

Packers 41-14

Pittsburgh @ Tennessee

The Steelers managed to survive week 1 without Roethlisberger, which is more than I can say for multiple bars in Milledgeville, Georgia. But I'm not sure they can get by a Titans team that looked tight last week ..... hella tight.

Titans 19-13

Miami @ Minnesota

I'd like to see Henne and Favre in an Odd Couple style sitcom. One's a game manager, the other's a gunslinger. It could be called The Game Manager & The Old Deuche. I think Miami can hang tough, but no one hangs tougher than an old deuche ... nope that double entendre didn't work.

Vikings 24-20

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

This game will sell out, because it's a home opener, but if Tampa keeps up their Stinger pace I'm going to start calling them the Scorpions. Looking at their schedule, I'm guessing they could be involved in as many as 7 Stingers before the season is done. Oh, and they'll probably lose this game.

Panthers 21-14

Sunday Afternoon

St. Louis @ Oakland

This game seems like it would inspire the kind of sheer horror that would result in viewers having a "Space Madness" stare like at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, or like these guys. Also, this game should make people in LA glad that they no longer have either of these teams.

Raiders 24-22

New England @ New York Jets

Rex what happened to your offense? Oh that's right they were always shitty. Dustin Keller was just putting everyone out of their misery by stepping out short on that 4th & 10. He was like a guy that goes to visit you in the hospital for a broken leg and tries to smother you with your pillow like he's an angel of mercy, not that that's ever happened. I think the Jets will continue to stink ... which reminds me of the time I farted on a plane (who am I kidding, that happens every time).

Patriots 17-10

Jacksonville @ San Diego

Believe it or not, there are rumors of this game being a Stinger. Maybe it's because Chargers fans don't like watching their starting quarterback chew out his whole team every time he effs up. Good to have you back A-hole Phil! I still think the Chargers win.

Chargers 28-18

Houston @ Washington

First the Redskins took out the Cowboys, now they're going after the Texans. Don't you see what's happening!? They're taking their vengeance on the white man! I'll go on record and predict that they beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Redskins 17-16

Seattle @ Denver

I guess I was wrong last week when I said that winning all their games wouldn't be easy for the Hawks. Super Bowl here we come! And the good news is that we won't have to deal with the Redskins' wrath; surely they would never hurt their brother the hawk.

Seahawks 24-17

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Indianapolis

Wouldn't it be cool if the Mannings switched jerseys before the game to try and fool everyone, except it totally didn't work because Peyton's taller and much better at being a quarterback. Since there's only about a 25% chance that they'll do that I'll go with the Colts.

Colts 31-20

Monday Night

New Orleans @ San Francisco

For all we hear about Singletary being very disciplined and running a tight ship, his clock management sure is sloppy as hell. Blown time outs, delay of games. Singletary got a rep because he talked a big game, he just doesn't back it up, or at least his team doesn't. What does this mean about Coach Mike? Cannot play for him. Cannot win with him. Can't do it.

Saints 27-13


Mustacheer Post of the Week

This one comes from (shockingly) Bobby Bateman:

Hey look, one of my favorite people (Michael Medved) compared one of your favorite things (the Seattle Mariners) to one of my favorite things (the USA). He says the Mariners can teach us a lot about America. Looks like the Mariners are good for something.



# 40

Hey! They're back! That is all.



Go Hawks! Go Cougs! (I'll even let the Dawgs celebrate a little) Great weekend for Washington football!

By the way, I pretty much nailed my prediction on the game (well 18 off but whatevs)


NFL Picks Week 1

Well, the NFL season starts tomorrow, which means it's time for me to start trotting out my weekly picks. With the recent overflow of content on this site it might be unnecessary to clog things up especially since I still haven't figured out how to use the "Read more" function. But since I enjoy reading these so much I figured I'd bring them back this year.

Thursday Night

Minnesota @ New Orleans

A little tough to pick this one. I don't know about you guys, but I haven't gotten word on whether or not Favre is coming back, and that could greatly affect this game. If he plays we're liable to see butt slaps, across-the-body interceptions, and borderline illegal high fives for the referees. And if he doesn't play there will be no reason to watch this game or any football at all for that matter. Either way, I'll take the Saints. Interesting fact: they were the only playoff team to end last year on a winning streak. In other words, these guys are hot.

Saints 35-23

Sunday - Morning

Carolina @ New York Giants

This is the first game in the new Giants Stadium. I remember reading an article about a longtime Giants season ticket holder who was no longer able to afford tickets because of the extra Personal Seat License charge. Well, that poor-ass pussy is going to be sorry he missed this one, it has Game of the Year written all over it.

Giants 23-10

Atlanta @ Pittsburgh

At this point an immature person would make a Roethlisberger rape joke. Hey, I'll bet the cheerleaders are worried that Roethlisberger is going to be on the field with so much free time on his hands. My Wacky Pick of the Week says he snags a few beers from the stands and that by midway through the 3rd quarter he's approaching the cheerleading squad while shouting his "All my bitches take shots," catchphrase. In other words, Roethlisberger's a winner, and the Steelers are in trouble without him.

Falcons 24-20

Cleveland @ Tampa Bay

Uh oh, has there ever been a Week 1 Stinger? We might have one on our hands. One thing's for sure, we've got a Week 1 Stinker!

Cleveland 19-16

Denver @ Jacksonville

Last year Denver started out 6-0 but were seriously hampered after Josh McDaniel threw out his shoulder on some fist pumps. Well, he's supposedly back at full strength, but I'm not sure I buy it. Meanwhile, Jacksonville's coach Jack Del Rio can still fist pump with the best of 'em, not to mention fist bump.

Jaguars 24-16

Indianapolis @ Houston

Manning's probably still smarting over that costly interception in the Super Bowl. But as Manning's always said, "Smarting makes me smarter." I'm surprised you guys haven't heard it before, it's one of my favorite quotes and it really spells trouble for Houston.

Colts 38-31

Miami @ Buffalo

If you're anything like me you saw this game on the schedule and thought, "Boy, seems like these teams play every year." Well, I did a little research, and it turns out they DO play every year, in fact, they usually play twice. And don't even get me started on 1992 .... ya know how many times they played that year? 3! So anyway, it would seem that the NFL schedulers need to get a bit more creative. And, um, I guess I'll take Miami.

Dolphins 23-20

Detroit @ Chicago

This is my Sleeper Game of the Week, meaning I'd rather sleep than watch it. One reason to pay attention to this, however, is to get an early idea on how many picks Cutler will be on pace for this year.

Bears 17-13

Oakland @ Tennessee

I know what you all thought when you saw that these two were playing, "Holy shit! A rematch of the 2003 AFC Championship Game!" I know, I'm excited too.

Titans 24-14

Cincinnati @ New England

These are two playoff teams from last year ... two playoff teams that were embarrassed at home in the first round. Clearly they'd like to wash that bad taste out of their mouth, but hopefully neither team concentrates too much on oral hygiene during the game, otherwise the other will surely take advantage.

Patriots 30-17

Sunday - Afternoon

Arizona @ St. Louis

Is this the year the Rams turn it all around? I asked this question to a Magic 8-ball and it exploded. In other words, it looks like the Rams are still going to be shitty. Will they be shitty enough to lose a home game to a team that has Derek Anderson as their starting quarterback? Yes.

Cardinals 19-10

San Francisco @ Seattle

Here's the one that we, and indeed all of America, have been waiting for. Honestly, my expectations aren't too high for the Hawks this year. I mean, I still think they'll win all their games, it just won't be that easy.

Seahawks 23-20

Green Bay @ Philadelphia

Kevin Kolb has to replace a successful, longtime starter; he's basically in the same shoes that Aaron Rodgers was two years ago. Unfortunately for Kolb, Reebok has come out with a new line of cleats since then and if he actually does try to wear Rodgers' shoes he'll be fined $25,000. I think dealing with that distraction will be too much for the youngster to overcome.

Packers 35-26

Sunday Night

Washington vs. Dallas

What would opening weekend be without an NFC East game in primetime? A lot more innovative! These games all just blend together for me. Probably because by Sunday night I've started binge drinking to forget about that day's Seahawks game.

Cowboys 30-20

Monday Night

Baltimore @ New York Jets

As some of you may remember, last year I seemed to have a real grudge against Rex Ryan. Well, rest assured, I still have that grudge. It's interesting to me that a man who forgot that his team could still make the playoffs after Week 15 of last year could see his team as a prohibitive Super Bowl favorite going into the next season. Also, I'm curious to see whether or not Mark Sanchez can actually throw for more TDs than interceptions ... because he didn't last year. Anyway, Hard Knocks didn't do anything for me, I still hate the Jets. I also don't think they're as good as we keep being told.

Ravens 21-18

San Diego @ Kansas City

Apparently this wasn't a goof, this is actually a Monday Night game. That's funny enough right? I don't have to type anything ridiculously witty and/or irreverent as I normally would.

Chargers 27-12


The Reign Man!

Sorry EP, I'm burying your post with BIG news. (pay your dues)

I saw the Reign Man at the Tulalip Casino on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Shawn Kemp. In the flesh. At first there were conflicting reports, but when I got a look at him there was no doubt... The Reign Man. And you know? He looked good! In shape, seemed happy enough till some douches started buggining him and he ran back into the club (otherwise I would have been that douche).

I'm posting this for three reasons:

1) What the fuck else do we talk about here?

2) It was like seeing a super hero. Maybe that sounds lame... I don't give a shit. I started trying to think of other sports figures that come close to matching that aura... Junior's close. But he's no Reign Man.

and 3) it gives me an excuse to link to these sweet Kemp clips, enjoy:

Mustacheer Post of the Week

Well, we were going to let jimi be the first... but he ain't producing. Let me introduce you to our newest series of posts:

The Mustacheer Post of the Week!

We'll betaking submissions. Ummm... just send them to me.

Anyway our first post ia sort of stepping on Draft Guru Pete's toes... but it comes from EP... Check it out...

So with the start of the NFL season right around the corner it is always fun to make some predictions. Instead of the typical who wins their divisions and whatnot, I thought I would look at a more specific prediction. I would like to preface this by saying that I hope Matthew plays at a high level for us until he is 45, however, there has been a lot of talk of the Seahawks being in the "Locker Sweepstakes" with all of the turnover of the roster and a focus on getting younger for the future. While I still predict a 13-3 record and a Super Bowl Championship I thought it would be interesting to look at where the Hawks would stand against other teams if their plan was to draft the QB of the future. At face value, this is a great class of QB's (assuming all that are eligible leave school). For simplicity lets try to keep this to 1st round talent and teams that would consider a QB in the 1st round.

Very likely to draft a QB in the 1st.


Could very well draft a QB in the 1st.

San Francisco
Kansas City

Are in a spot where they should maybe start thinking about it.

New England

IF Locker ends up being the top QB on the board, I think we have will have a tough time being worse than Buffalo (they are shitty). But here are some other QB's that are likely to grade out as 1st or 2nd round picks.

Andrew Luck - Stanford
Christian Ponder - FSU
Ryan Mallet - Arkansas
Pat Devlin - Delaware
Blaine Gabbert - Missouri
Nick Fowles - Arizona

Where do you think we finish amongst these other teams and where does that put us in terms of a QB?

Go Seahawks!!!!

Season's about to get uderway, and here's a fun little game for all you Mustacheers to play:

Name 5 current Seahawks. Quick GO!


I'm ready for football, especially College

In an effort to bring the mustacheers the best coverage they can find, I plan on watching every single game that it televised, and stay married. ESPN 3 with the the 4 games at a time is going to make it a little easier. So far I have made it one day and judging from the email my wife just sent me of all the things I need to do when I get home, it was a good run guys!! Any who... while I was watching Presbyterian College and Wake Forest, this happened:


Pretty awesome huh.

In other news,

- Jacory Harris, Terrelle Pryor, Matt Barkley are awesome. To quote a co-worker of mine, Kiffin doesnt like his boys tackling in practice, apparently not in games either. Miami and Ohio State do.
- South Carolina will be a top 5 team at the end of the year
- Tino Sinseri is not the 2nd coming of Dan Marino
- Pittsburgh will not be ranked at the end of the year
- Someone will kick Kyle Whittingham in the nuts for his absolute bushleague behavior (That shit wont fly in the Pac-10 son)

F U 9ers

The Niners released two Cougs today (Paymah and Hill). As if I needed another reason to hate those gold digging ass bags. Can't wait to pummel them in the opener.

As a prelude to Erik's weekly picks column, let me jump the gun (Sorry Erik):

Seahawks 49 (on purpose, just for the disrespect) 49ers 6 (a 99 yard garbage screen pass to Gore for a touch... I gotta salvage my fantasy week. Then they miss the extra point when Colin Cole kills EVERYONE))


You can't quit us!!!

We used to have 40 Facebook fans. I know this because it's been the same number at the top of our page for... well... ever. And now we have 39. Someone left. Hahahahahaha! (fuck lol) Hahahah!

First of all... we finally started posted things, and they left?!?! Hahah!

Second... was there something offensive in the recent posts? I thought they were pretty tame.

You know what? Don't let the door hit on the way out, ya coward!

If I find out who you are I'm gonna blog the shit out of you!!!!

Adios Housh!

Rumors are swirling and sources inside my head have confirmed that Housh will be on his way to Minnesota for whatever San Diego wants for Vincent Jackson. Dallas just traded Patrick Crayton to San Diego to fill the shoes that will be left by one of the best WRs in the game. I cant wait to see Hasslebeck hit Vjack deep 10-15 times this year. If you dont believe me check out this recent google search:

All I was trying to find was my old buddy from middle school Vincent Jackso


A Very Large Celebration Shall Ensue

However, none of us here at HCM are qualified enough to give justice to this monumental feat. Lauren Jackson has just won her third WNBA MVP award. Not to mention whoever the hell their coach is won best coach. Who better to let us all in on how this really feels than our resident Storm Superfan, Jimi. Jimi, please email me your thoughts and I will happily post it for you. Feel free to include pictures and videos, this will be your post. I can be reached at fortune@henrycottosmustache.com. We all look forward to finding out what this really means.


What a beautiful prank

I have nothing to add, just enjoy it for what it is: (except turn up your volume)

Josh Wilson trade cont.

Quote from John Schneider about the Josh Wilson trade, (the bolded part kills me):

Schneider: "Absolutely. This is the most difficult weekend of the year for everybody involved, for the coaches and for the players. All of these guys. The personnel staff that has to go through the evaluations and address the players. The players that work their tails off the whole season. Josh has been a factor here for several years now and done a great job in the community and everything. Very well respected. This was a team that was very aggressive in coming after Josh. They have a situation where they have a strong need and as Pete said it has more to do with the way Walter has stepped up and the way Tru is playing and some of the younger guys. I think it was one of those deals that comes along. We get calls on some of our players. We don't do everything, but this was one of those deals that we just felt like we couldn't pass up."

He should have continued:

"They were SO aggressive that we were able to squeeze a 5th round pick out of them! And it'll be late in the round too, cuz unlike the Seahawks, the Ravens are probably going to do really well next year! Even better now that they gave up nothing for Josh! Oops... phone's ringing gotta go... I've got a team interested in Brandon Mebane, looking to secure a 4th rounder in 2015"