NFL Picks - Week 13 Thursday

Washington @ Dallas
So it’s come to this for these bitter rivals, a Week 13 clash after which the loser’s season will effectively be over, and the winner’s season will only likely be over. Someone will emerge from this game at 6-6 with an outside shot at the playoffs and, some would argue more importantly, a greater sense of pride. Unfortunately pride doesn’t make a team, unless we’re talking about Detroit, whose their team is literally a pride. The Cowboys appear to be on a downward slide from which there is no escape (which coincidentally was a slogan at a Dallas waterpark that faced a staggering amount of litigation). Injuries and suspensions will do Dallas in once and for all in this one.

Redskins 24-17


NFL Picks - Week 12

Sunday Morning

Buffalo @ Kansas City
Last week the Bills started Nathan Peterman over Tyrod Taylor. It was a tough decision for coach Sean McDermott and the Buffalo front office. Thankfully for them, by halftime on Sunday Peterman had made it clear what the correct decision was. It wasn’t the one they had made, but at least he didn’t waste their time in exhibiting his ineptitude. Now Tyrod Taylor is back as the Bills’ starter, and if he can manage to throw four or less interceptions in the first half against KC he should be able to keep the job. “Easier said than done” said Nathan Peterman when reached for comment. It’s not as if the Chiefs are coming off a great performance either, having lost to the dreary Giants, but they have to like their chances to get back on the rails against a Buffalo team that has given up 135 points over the last three weeks. The only easier way to get back on the rails would be to book a ticket with Amtrak! Let’s just be done with this one. 

Chiefs 31-17

Tennessee @ Indianapolis
Get your popcorn ready! Then sit down on the couch and start a movie ... or make a necklace ... or enter that local popcorn contest. Basically do anything you can to avoid watching this game. Unless, of course, you’re a Titans fan, in which case this should be a lot of fun for you. Also, pleased to meet you, you’re the second Titans fan I’ve ever come across! 

Titans 34-16

Cleveland @ Cincinnati
It’s Week 12 and the two Ohio teams have combined for four wins. Quick, guess how many of those belong to the Browns ... Did you say zero? Good. If you said anything else you must have been living under a rock for the past couple months; but even still you probably should have been able to guess. Considering the uniform match-up we’ll be seeing a lot of orange in this one. If you’re looking at the Homeland Security chart that would mean the terror threat level is high. But since that doesn’t apply here we’ll us my new NFL Inferiority chart. According to it, orange indicates a high probability of viewers questioning their own sanity. And if you watch this entire game, I have to questions yours as well.

Bengals 27-10

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta 
The Bucs enter this game at 4-6 and would need to win out to have a legitimate shot at making the playoffs. Of course, that means they need to win this game, which could prove difficult seeing as how Ryan Fitzpatrick will still be Tampa’s quarterback and I have to wonder if he has a problem getting motivated for games that aren't against teams he used to play for. At this point most of the league are ex-employers of his, so it’s rare to find a match-up in which there’s no shared history, however, this is one. Of course, you could probably convince me that Fitzpatrick started a half-season for the Falcons in 2001. I honestly don’t know how old Fitzpatrick is, all I can tell you is that I no longer remember an NFL without him. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him front row center in the 1948 Chicago Cardinals team photo holding a placard like Jack Torrance in the Shining.

Falcons 30-20

Miami @ New England 
One month ago the Dolphins were mysteriously 4-2. No one understood it, but it happened and there was seemingly nothing we could do about it. But that’s not entirely true, we could wait; wait and let their natural lousiness rise to the surface, like a polluted lake. And rise the lousiness has! They’re now 4-6 with a total point differential of -97, which is 3rd worst in the league. To make matters (possibly) worse Jay Cutler may miss this game with a concussion. I wouldn’t be surprised if Cutler started purposefully flunking the concussion protocol in the weeks to come so that he doesn’t have to play football again this season, and subsequently for the rest of his life. Look, I’m not trying to trivialize his injury, or say that he’s faking it, but I doubt he’d be too upset if he never had to make another start again, because, as we all know, Jay Cutler hates football.

Patriots 42-13

Chicago @ Philadelphia 
The Eagles are in the driver seat in the NFC and at 9-1 can lay claim to being the best team in the NFL. They’re laying waste to everyone in their path, leaving me to wonder, are they making teams look lousy or playing lousy teams? A cursory glance at the schedule reveals that they’ve only played two teams with a better than .500 record, going 1-1 in those contests. That being said, Philly has routinely blown out lesser opponents, and, due to a quirk in the NFL bylaws, they can only play who is on their schedule. They have consecutive road games at Seattle and LA (Rams) in weeks 13 and 14, so stiffer tests are on the horizon. But this is Week 12, and these are the Bears, so 10-1 it is.

Eagles 35-14

Carolina @ New York Jets 
Earlier this week, on the anniversary of his 2008 arrest Cam Newton posted his mug shot to Instagram in an effort to teach or inspire or whatever. To me that’s not what matters here though, what matters is the font Cam Newton uses on Instagram. What the hell is that, wingdings? I looked at it and honestly thought I’d missed another iOS update. Why does everything he does have to be so insufferable? Maybe another arrest would teach him a lesson. Nothing serious that will result in any real jail time, but just harrowing enough to make him reconsider his press conference wardrobe, his press conference behavior, and his choice of social media fonts. 

Jets 19-17

Sunday Afternoon 

Seattle @ San Francisco
The 49ers have announced that they will continue to start C.J. Beathard at quarterback. It’s a head-scratching maneuver that makes one wonder, “Is this lice? Oh shit, it is! It is lice! Aw man, now I have to get a special shampoo and burn my bed sheets. Also, wait why the hell are the Niners still starting C.J. Beathard?” To be fair to Beat Hard his last start was San Francisco’s first win of the season and his best game as a pro, so maybe there’s something to be said for momentum. Though, momentum advocates would probably also point to the downward trajectory of the Niners’ doomed season and suggest that it might be time to give your new, presumed quarterback of the future a shot at a start. Then again, I’ve never met a momentum advocate. I mean I’m sure I have, but to my recollection it’s never come up in conversation. For this Sunday’s game, one thing I can predict with absolute certitude is a staggering amount of Jimmy Garoppolo sideline cut-aways from Fox. In fact, they may just go with a side-by-side shot every time Beathard drops back.

Seahawks 27-13

New Orleans @ Los Angeles Rams
The Rams’ surprisingly high-powered offense has only scored less than 27 points three times this season. Those three occasions just so happen to be their three losses. Coincidence? I think not. It’s a troubling trend that, for their sake, coach Sean McVay has hopefully pointed out to them. To make matters worse for LA, the visiting Saints have surrendered just under 20 points per game this season. I’m just crunching numbers here guys, but this could be bad news for the Rams. 

Saints 20-16

Jacksonville @ Arizona 
The Jags come into this game at 7-3, having won 4 in a row. Meanwhile the Cardinals’ season has entered into a downward spiral and they're now 4-6. All signs point to Jacksonville cruising past Arizona in this one, well all signs except for one, the sign that’s big and blinking and says, “Blaine Gabbert Revenge Game!” That’s right, the ex-Jaguars QB is going up against his former mates and I can only imagine he has a bloodthirsty rage to conquer those bastards that let him go years ago. Don’t be surprised when you pop this game on in the fourth quarter and see Gabbert foaming at the mouth on the sidelines with the Cardinals up 20. At the same time, don’t be shocked if he’s foaming at the mouth after a vicious hit with Arizona losing 31-0. 

Jaguars 28-10

Denver @ Oakland 
Foolishly I picked Denver to win last week. The only explanation I can come up with is that I forgot Brock Osweiler was their starting quarterback. And honestly, I’m not certain the Broncos remembered either. They must have finally noticed, because they’ve now inserted Paxton Lynch into the starting role. Will this put an end to Denver’s six game losing streak? I highly doubt it. To be honest I don’t know a ton about Lynch, but here’s what I do know: 1. He has a soul patch 2. Until this week the Broncos felt more comfortable starting Brock Osweiler than him. Neither of these are good, I just can’t decide which is worse. Consequently I can’t pick Denver here.

Raiders 26-16

Sunday Night 

Green Bay @ Pittsburgh 
The Packers are coming off being shutout at home and heading straight into a road match-up against one of the best teams in the league. That would seem to be too much for Green Bay to handle, but let’s see what SNF analyst Cris Collinsworth has to say:

I promise to be vigilant CriColl. 

Steelers 31-10

Monday Night 

Houston @ Baltimore 
Last week the Ravens notched their third shutout win of the season. Shutouts now account for over half of Baltimore’s victories this year (they’re 5-5), meaning if I think they’re going to win, logic would dictate that I should pick them to blank the other team. That’s a lot to ask though when the Ravens are going up against “Touchdown” Tommy Savage, a man who, in fact, has thrown multiple touchdowns this season (full disclosure, I had to look that up to make sure). In reality, the Ravens' D facing the Savage Texans is like an immovable object going up against an immovable object. Which I guess means Houston won’t even snap the ball? How would that even work, just endless delay of game penalties? Might be overthinking this now ...

Ravens 24-0


NFL Picks - Thanksgiving

Minnesota @ Detroit
A lot to be thankful for in this one; any time we get a relevant Lions game on Thanksgiving is cause for a celebration. Hopefully you can find some sort of party during the day to help you do just that. Not me though, I’ll be locked in a room watching football all day because I vowed to dedicate my life to analyzing the game. It was an agreement I made with a gypsy who used a mysterious salve to save me from a snake bite 8 years ago. Sure I’m glad to be alive, though days like this really make me wish I could see my family again. But hey, if I wasn’t dedicating my every waking moment to football I wouldn’t be able to provide dedicated readers like you with groundbreaking analysis. So let’s get into it, Vikings/Lions ... Well Detroit already won in Minnesota this season, so they should probably beat the Vikings at home too, right? I don’t know.

Lions 20-17

Los Angeles Chargers @ Dallas
Ezekiel Elliott has to be kicking himself for appealing his suspension for so long and allowing himself to miss a Thanksgiving game in which his patented “feed me” motion would be more appropriate than ever. Of course now he can literally eat constantly during the game, so it’s debatable whether or not he made the right move after all. Obviously this game is less appealing than it could have been, but I can think of at least one thing to be thankful for, and that’s the tantalizing possibility that Philip Rivers has a dinner party immediately following the game and thus will be wearing a bolo tie that constantly peaks out from under his uniform. Of course, this will inevitably lead to a defensive end yanking on the strings and resulting in Rivers’ face looking something like this. Once that occurs it will be hard for the Chargers to recover, and the somewhat recuperated Cowboys will nab a narrow win. 

Cowboys 24-20

New York Giants @ Washington
I’m sure when the NFL scheduled this game for the Thanksgiving nightcap they expected the Giants to be better than 2-8. A lot of us did. What we overlooked was the fact that their coach was William Twosythe, and that he’s pretty bogus. So is there anything to be thankful for in this seemingly lousy match-up? Yes, it’s the perfect game to accompany the nap that you’ll inevitably be taking at this point in the evening. In the past you may have dozed off during the night game and been really bummed upon waking up and realizing you’d missed a quarter. This time around when you stir awake in the middle of the third you can feel free to finish the remainder of the hours-old pie slice on your plate and go right back to sleep.
Redskins 30-17


NFL Picks - Week 11

Sunday Morning

Detroit @ Chicago
After winning two games with a comically low amount of pass attempts (23 total) Mitchell Trubisky has been let loose the past two weeks to less than mixed results. So, stirred results? He’s averaged 34 pass attempts in consecutive losses. Sure you could argue that if the Bears get behind it leads to him having to pass more, but how about this: they get behind, and just refuse to throw. Stick to the game plan no matter what! Down by 17 in the 3rd quarter? Keep running! I mean the team with more rushing attempts almost always wins; this is too easy! And if you’re losing yards with the run, just kneel on the ball. Basically, just make sure Trubisky throws it no more than 10 times. That’s your winning formula.

Lions 26-16

Jacksonville @ Cleveland
Poor Browns, they were actually up 24-17 late in the 3rd quarter last week before giving up 21 unanswered points to fall to the Lions. Even when you think they’re getting it right they manage to screw it up. It’s like a puppy that finally poops outside but then tramples through his own mess and drags it back into the house on its paws. Likewise, after an 0-5 start in Cleveland it’s safe to say the Browns aren’t house-trained. Meanwhile the Jags have actually been better on the road this season, outscoring opponents by 17 per game. When nothing has to give, it usually doesn’t. 

Jaguars 29-9

Baltimore @ Green Bay
Believe it or not the Ravens have the highest average margin of victory in the league at almost 22 points per win. Unfortunately for Baltimore they’ve only 4-5. These guys should save some of those points! Obviously that’s not possible ... but what if it was? What if they could declare during a game that any points they score from there on out only count toward the next game? They’d have to be certain that they were going to win the current game while also considering who was next on their schedule and how many bonus points they may or may not be entering that game with. Of course, this would also make the current game more compelling because let’s say they decided to start rolling over their scoring when they were up 21, but then the losing team starts coming back. Sorry Ravens, better start playing D! So why doesn’t the NFL adopt this rule?!? Maybe because it’s stupid and not fair to penalize teams for having to play an opponent coming off a blowout? Yep! That’s exactly why. Consequently the Ravens will just have to start trying to win every game by 22.

Ravens 24-19

Arizona @ Houston
Sunday (most likely) marks the long-awaited return of Blaine Gabbert to an NFL field. Ok, ok, everybody calm down. I know, I’m like you, I could sit here and reel off my top 5 Gabbert moments, or tell you exactly where I was for each and every one of his 38 career TD passes. And I’m sure we’ll all have some trouble sleeping on Saturday night in anticipation of what’s to transpire Sunday. But let’s pump the brakes and relax just a bit, this is Blaine’s first start with a new team, it might take some time for him to ... Aw, who am I kidding? He’s gonna go out there and sling it like he did during his glory days in Jacksonville. You can scrap my Christmas list Santa, because we've already received the gift Gab. 

Cardinals 18-17

Tampa Bay @ Miami 
This is the game that was originally scheduled for Week 1 but delayed due to a hurricane. As a result these teams are in the midst of playing 16 straight weeks, but if you gave them both the option right now they might go ahead and tap out at 10. Are the Dolphins technically only one game out of a wild card spot in the AFC? Yes, but can you fathom Miami actually making the playoffs? And no, you can’t create some fantastical scenario in which all the other teams get mono, or Jay Cutler starts giving a shit. It’s hard to imagine, right? What’s also hard to imagine is anyone, even within Florida, watching this game without money, or body parts riding on it. 

Buccaneers 17-14

Los Angeles Rams @ Minnesota
Who would’ve thought that this would turn out to be a pivotal game in the NFC? Me, that’s who. In fact, here’s what I wrote in an unpublished excerpt back in early September, “Keep an eye on that Rams/Vikings game in Week 11, it could end up having major playoff implications. But back to what I️ was saying earlier about that screenplay I'm working on; so it’s a buddy-cop comedy starring Louis CK and Kevin Spacey ...” Ohhhhkay, so I didn’t have it all figured out, but who among us does? Just look at the Vikings, they’re 7-2 but can’t quite figure out what they should do at starting quarterback. Stick with Case Keenum, who’s done an admirable job this season, or insert Teddy Bridgewater, who hasn’t been able to play in a game since January of 2016? Some are wary of a player who’s been on the shelf for 22 months, but I say that’s nothing, I just ate a Top Ramen package that expired 6 years ago. I️t doesn’t go bad! However, I fear we might not say the same thing about Case Keenum after Sunday. 

Rams 27-23

Kansas City @ New York Giants
Last week the Giants did what no team in the NFL has been able to do this season: lose to the 49ers. After the loss New York coach Ben McAdoo managed to do something even more difficult: keep his job. Look, I️ know he went 11-5 as head coach last season, but the Giants are 1-8 now, they’ve clearly given up, and again, Ben McAdoo looks like a lame William Forsythe. Considering he’s half the man, let’s go ahead and call him Twosythe from now on. So how much longer can Billy Twos last? I’ll set the spread at 35; meaning if the Chiefs win by more than that he’s gone. Any less and he’ll probably survive for another week like the cockroaches that are living in his mustache. That’s not just wild speculation, I have it on good authority that there are multiple cockroaches making residence within his facial hair. 

Chiefs 42-17

Washington @ New Orleans
Washington has been through a terribly rough stretch of their schedule over the past month: @PHI, DAL, @SEA, MIN, and now @NO. It’s a true gauntlet, and when they come out on the other side of it their playoff aspirations may be mere daydreams. But when all is said and done will they be better men for it? Absolutely not. Those playoff shares are serious cash baby! Say what you want about testing their mettle, but an indomitable spirit ain’t gonna buy you a new rug. I say the Saints win their eighth in a row, while the Skins get to look forward to a game against the Giants next week.

Saints 23-16

Sunday Afternoon

Buffalo @ Los Angeles Chargers
Last week the Chargers and Jaguars “competed” in a game that was akin to a John Lackey lookalike contest, in that no one wanted to win it. Eventually though, Jacksonville did, and the Chargers and everyone who watched was worse off afterward. Speaking of not wanting to win games, the Bills have looked abysmal as of late, giving up a total of 81 points in consecutive losses to fall to 5-4. Despite still being in wild card position Buffalo has decided to bench starting quarterback Tyrod Taylor in favor of (I believe) the creator of the urban sombrero Nathan Peterman. As for LA, Philip Rivers may have to miss the first start of his career due to being in the concussion protocol. So we could be left with a Nathan Peterman/Kellen Clemens match-up. Phil Rivers isn’t the only one whose head hurts.

Chargers 24-13

Cincinnati @ Denver 
Here are two teams who came into the season with playoff aspirations. Well if playoff aspirations were candies and nuts then they’d be just like ifs and buts. But unfortunately for these teams they’ve had no sundaes on Sundays this season. Oh boy, this "metaphor" is getting worse as it goes, much like the Bengals and Broncos’ seasons. Denver has lost 5 in a row and their once vaunted defense has given up a total of 121 points over the last three games. Sure maybe some of those were from scores by opposing defenses, but I didn’t do that research, and you what, I shouldn’t have to for this game. I guess I'll go with the home team? Let's move on.

Broncos 20-17

New England @ Oakland 
This game will be played in Mexico City, and marks the first time the NFL has ventured south of the border since the infamous Monday night game between the Texans and Raiders last season in which Brock Osweiler complained that a fan’s laser pointer was being shined in his eyes. One can only wonder what sort of distraction the people of Mexico City have in store for Tom Brady this time around. Air horns? You betcha. Flares? Absolutely. Bags of urine? Undoubtedly. But keep in mind, this is Tom Brady they’re dealing with, not Brock Osweiler, they'll need to pull out all the stops to get under his skin. That’s why they’ve hopefully made into reality what I’ve imagined in my head, and that’s a urine laser. And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like, a laser pointer that shoots a urine laser hundreds of yards in a straight line. Hey Brady, good luck running the offense with an awesome stream of piss distracting you while it shoots down the sideline ... Oh wait! Better yet, they can just spray it right in his face! That'll be way more distracting.

Patriots 35-24

Sunday Night

Philadelphia @ Dallas
After a couple of subpar Sunday night matchups in recent weeks, we finally have an intriguing contest. But don’t take I️t from me, here’s SNF analyst Cris Collinsworth:

Anybody else feel like he's making some of these stories up? 

Eagles 31-24

Monday Night

Atlanta @ Seattle
A lot of injury concerns going into this one. For the Falcons, running back Devonta Freeman suffered his second concussion of the season last week and is likely to miss this game, and possibly more in the near future. I’m sure he’d like to play, but if he were savvier he would have just blown off the tests like Russell Wilson did last Thursday in Arizona. Now that’s the reckless, short-sighted heart of a champion right there. To be fair, apparently Wilson did pass the concussion tests after the end of the drive, but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to operate more like a pop quiz rather than an exam that you prepare for. Regardless, Wilson will be ready to go on Monday; the same cannot be said for a handful of other key Seahawks however. Will this pile-up of injuries become an insurmountable obstacle? Not if the rest of team simply follows Wilson’s example: you’re not injured if you really don’t want to be.

Seahawks 23-17 


NFL Picks - Week 11 Thursday

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh
NBC has announced that the majority of this game will be broadcast from the point of view of the SkyCam, partly in an effort to attract a gamer audience used to this view while playing Madden. It’s an interesting tactic, but if they really want Madden players to tune in NBC has to go the extra mile and allow viewers to talk to one another via headset throughout the contest. Sure it will be a jumbled mess of millions of voices rife with curse words, racial slurs, and despicable trolling but ya gotta capture that millennial demographic somehow baby! Also, let’s not pretend that using the SkyCam for the bulk of a game is a new innovation, this was done 16 years ago. The league was the XFL and everything worked out just fine for ... is there still time for NBC to reconsider?

Steelers 27-20


NFL Picks - Week 10

Sunday Morning 

Green Bay @ Chicago
On Sunday another chapter in this classic rivalry will be penned. And the two authors will be ... Brett Hundley and Mitchell Trubisky? Did anybody clear this with the publisher? Hopefully they’ll throw in a bunch of pictures or something because otherwise this could be a boring read. The Bears are 2-2 at home this season with each of those games being played against teams that are .500 or above. Technically the Packers fit that bill, but they haven’t won a game since Aaron Rodgers went down with a broken collar bone. And unless this one has a twist ending, I’d expect that trend to continue. 

Bears 19-13

Cleveland @ Detroit
This is a huge game for Browns coach Hue Jackson, because with a victory he could double the amount of wins he’s had with Cleveland. Of course, he’s had that same opportunity ever since he won his first game with the Browns last December. What I'm trying to say is Hue Jackson has only one win as their head coach. He’s 1-23. Is this 100% his fault? Yes. So there ya go, problem identified and, with a simple firing, problem solved. The Cleveland brass has to act now though while they still have a shot to run the table and make the playoffs! Just kidding, the Browns were mathematically eliminated from the postseason in August.

Lions 28-18

Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis 
The Colts won last week to improve to 3-6 on the season. Their three wins have come over the winless 49ers, the winless Browns, and the Tom Savage Texans. Not impressive, but when you consider that they’re starting Jacoby Brissett at quarterback you could maybe cut them some slack. Of course, they’ll need more than slack to beat the Steelers this Sunday. They’ll need smack, thwack, and crack. Just to be clear, those are drugs not onomatopoeias. You’re probably wondering what “thwack” is ... don’t ask ... because I don’t have the answer. All I know is that it can make you feel invincible to zone coverage. It’s unclear if the Colts have any of those narcotics in their possession though, so I'll pick Pittsburgh. 

Steelers 31-14

Los Angeles Chargers @ Jacksonville 
Four weeks ago the Los Angeles Rams traveled to Jacksonville to play the Jags, and now their fellow townsfolk the Chargers will do the same. What I wanted to know was if there’s any LA superfan who planned a month-long family vacation to northern Florida around these two football games? Well I looked into it, and the answer is yes, his name is Dale Snidley and he took his family of five to Jacksonville on October 13th prior to the aforementioned Rams/Jags game. Dale Snidley is now divorced. His wife took the kids back to California five days after arriving in Florida. He could’ve (and definitely should’ve) followed them, but Dale Snidley was determined to see this game in person. Also, he paid in full up front on that condo rental. So was it all worth it? Ask him after the game. 

Jaguars 24-17

New Orleans @ Buffalo
Interesting match-up here. Not that all match-ups aren’t interesting, each one has something to offer and is special in their own right. That being said, we’re not dealing with Jets/Bucs here, this one has real intrigue. The Saints have won six in a row since starting the season 0-2, while the Bills are one of only two teams that are undefeated at home. So whose streak ends on Sunday? Whoever does their laundry that day. I'd like to apologize to the readers for my crude joke about underwear streaks just now. I'd take it back if I could, but as you know by now, I don’t. Delete. Anything! That’s my policy, and yes, it’s a stupid one. Buffalo looked lousy last Thursday, but they’re a different team at home (not literally ... I think), and I believe their Ralph Wilson mojo continues. Upon further review it turns out the name of the Bills stadium is now New Era Field, and has been since 2015. I’m strongly considering changing my pick because of this, but I’ll stick with my gut. 

Bills 23-20

New York Jets @ Tampa Bay
Hey what’s wrong Jets/Bucs? Oh you read what I said in the last game’s write-up? Hey, I was just joking! Your game has plenty of intrigue! There’s Ryan Fitzpatrick playing against his former team, and um, Josh McCown playing against his former team. Or what about Austin Seferian-Jenkins ... playing against his former team? Alright, so maybe I’m grasping at straws here. But hey, the Jets have a chance to get to 5-5 with a win, so there’s that. Chin up Jets/Bucs, at least you’re not Giants/Niners, right?!? Ha, I mean that game is truly pathetic. Bunch of losers! Haha. So we’re cool, right Jets/Bucs? Good, because I don’t want to spend any more time thinking about you. JK!

Buccaneers 17-16

Minnesota @ Washington
15 months after suffering a devastating knee injury Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater has been reactivated, and will serve as the back-up to Case Keenum. Consequently, Sam Bradford has returned back to the protective womb of the IR. In an ironic twist, this time it’s because of a healthy knee, albeit somebody else's. This is the fourth time Bradford has been placed on injured reserve in this, his eighth season. It’s a biennial tradition akin to the Ryder Cup, and not merely because of the timing, both of them remind me that I hate Colin Montgomerie. Minnesota has only played two real road games this season, one was a 26-9 loss at Pittsburgh while the other was a 20-17 win at Chicago. That’s about as impressive as Colin Montgomerie’s performance in majors. With that in mind I’ll give a slight edge to Washington. 

Redskins 13-10

Cincinnati @ Tennessee
A.J. Green has become so frustrated with the Bengals season that he’s just choking people and throwing punches at heads that have helmets covering them. And I don’t think he’s done yet. Don’t be surprised to see Green attempt to put Logan Ryan in an armbar on the first play from scrimmage Sunday. And if that results in another ejection for the star receiver then great; playing in the Bengals’ offense is boring as hell. 

Titans 34-14

Sunday Afternoon

Houston @ Los Angeles Rams
Last Sunday Tom Savage returned to the role of Texans starting quarterback after graciously allowing rookie Deshaun Watson to have the job for six weeks so that the young guy could get some experience. But now Savage is back in the saddle and ready to ride! His first foray back on the trail was a bit bumpy as he completed only 19 of 44 and couldn’t get the ball in the end zone on Houston’s final drive resulting in a 20-14 loss to the lowly Colts. But now that he’s got the lay of the land and reacquainted himself with the speed of the game, look out defenses! No seriously, be on the lookout, you might have an errant pass headed your way.

Rams 38-20

Dallas @ Atlanta
Ezekiel Elliott won't actually be suspended. You imagined that. All of those articles you read monitoring the daily goings on involving appeals and delays, they were all merely an illusion. As for that time you thought you were dreaming when you kissed your brother, well that was real, and you’re going to have a very uncomfortable Thanksgiving. Speaking of sibling smooches, they say a tie is like kissing your sister, and that’s probably how Atlanta feels at the halfway point. They’re 4-4 having scored 170 points and given up 172. Their whole season has basically been one big tie so far. Big ties make for terrible fashion choices and frustrated fanbases. So it would behoove the Falcons to break their tie in a positive fashion on Sunday.

Falcons 24-20

New York Giants @ San Francisco
Alright, let’s dig into ... Oh what? You’re pissed because I made fun of you to Jets/Bucs? Well guess what, your game does suck. You’re a combined 1-16. That’s a .059 winning percentage, the worst any game will have this season. You’re pathetic Giants/Niners! Six years ago you were the NFC title game, and look at you now. (Don’t worry guys, I’m just going hard on them so that they’ll take a look in the mirror and start down a road to self-improvement. I’m doing this for their own good.) Alright, where was I, oh yeah, you’re all sorry excuses for football players, and humans in general. I talked to your families and they’re all ashamed of you. (This is really going to inspire them!) You guys probably think I’m going hard on you to inspire you or some BS like that. Nah, that ain’t the case. You legitimately disgust me and you should all quit football. (Again, don’t worry guys, this is all for their own good! I just didn’t want to make it too obvious.) You SUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK! (They’ll thank me later)

49ers 20-17

Sunday Night

New England @ Denver
The well-rested Patriots travel to Denver to take on the oft-bested Broncos in a non-pivotal AFC clash. Let’s see what Sunday Night Football analyst Cris Collinsworth has to say about it:

Whoa ... Probably best if we just move on. 

Patriots 28-16

Monday Night

Miami @ Carolina
This is the third straight prime time game for the Dolphins, and I have to imagine that the networks are not thrilled. In fact, rumor has it that ESPN was planning on airing old episodes of The Chair in this game’s place until the NFL forced their hand. I don’t blame ESPN though, who in the world is going to watch this game outside of these teams’ fans? Fantasy owners and that’s it. I mean, are you going to watch it? If you’re honesty going to watch this game send me an e-mail and explain yourself. And if you really are, doooo you wanna watch together? Nah, forget it. Yeah it was a stupid idea. Heh, pretty funny when I said that thing about watching the game together, right? I mean I was TOTALLY serious because I’m SOOOO lonely LOL ... Sigh.

Panthers 24-15