NFL Picks - Week 4

Sunday Dawn

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
Well Jags, I'd love to say it's been fun, but I can't. In fact, it's been pretty lame. I'm setting a reminder in my calendar for the last week of August 2017 to read: "DON'T PICK JAGS TO MAKE PLAYOFFS" I'm also setting a reminder for a random date that says, "When you meet Roger do not believe his lies." I'm guessing I'll forget that I wrote it and maybe assume it's been sent to me from the future. It should make my next encounter with a Roger VERY interesting. Ya know what, screw it, what could one more week on the Jacksonville bandwagon hurt? Don't answer that.

Jaguars 24-23

Sunday Morning

Tennessee @ Houston
On paper this is an easy one to pick. Problem is I don't make these picks on paper, I'm all cyber baby! Also, it should be clear to you by now that regardless of the format none of these picks are easy to make. It's been pretty ugly so far. Not John Lackey ugly, but almost. I'm just thankful that the bye weeks have finally arrived to give me some sweet relief. Not only do I get to pick fewer games but I can also use the energy that I would've allotted for the 16th game and concentrate double on one match-up. Oh it's not this one. Is that what you thought I meant? God no, not this stinker. In fact, I didn't pay much attention to this game at all. I mostly just attempted to make up punch lines to non-existent jokes. So far all I've got is Osweiler? I hardly knew her. 

Texans 20-17

Cleveland @ Washington
Look I know I give the Browns a hard time, but they've actually had consecutive close losses in which they had legitimate chances to win. So at times I wonder if I'm being to hard on them. Then I remember that their team name is the color of poop and I know I'm doing the right thing. However, for one week they won't have the most ridiculous nickname on the field, so they can hang orange(?) hats on that. Now if their name were the Brownskins, well then ... Ya know what let's forget I even posited that. Too late? Joke's on you, because I happen to have a delete key on this ... Wait where the hell did my delete key go? This isn't good. Hopefully I dorn't have any typos. Shit!

Redskins 30-21

Seattle @ New York Jets
Ryan Fitzpatrick had an abysmal game last Sunday. He threw six picks and the Jets were none the richer ... Yes I did it. And ya know what? I did it years ago when I posted my Week 6 picks for that season. Look, I only get so many chances to make that reference, and I'm sure as hell not going to let one pass me by. This week Fitzy ol' boy goes up against a Seahawks team who, while limiting opposing offenses' point totals, has only generated one turnover this season. Something's gotta give. It's the unstrippable force meeting the removable object. In this cosmic battle I'll go with Fitzpatrick's propensity for propagating opponent possessions as the prevailing presence and in turn take Seattle. 

Seahawks 16-10

Buffalo @ New England
Another week and another impressive win from the Patriots. Though it may have been another costly win, as backup to the backup quarterback Jacoby Brissett was diagnosed with a sprained thumb after the contest. It might be unfair of us to continue to be suspicious of Bill Belichick (just kidding it's definitely warranted) but I'm starting to suspect that he's rooting for, and possibly even causing, these injuries to his quarterbacks. With each victory by yet another new substitute his coaching acumen becomes even more unassailable. We'll know for sure that he's up to something when Brissett doesn't show up on the field this Sunday not because of his thumb but because he's been tied up with sweatshirt drawstrings in the locker room. I don't care who plays QB for them, I'm not picking against New England until I see something on the field that compels me to.

Patriots 24-17

Carolina @ Atlanta
Is it time to start believing in Atlanta? I don't know I mean a whole city that exists under the sea? Sounds like bull shit to me. Hmm, seems I misunderstood the question; strange since I was the one asking it. Anyway, more to the point, should we believe in this Falcons team? They're 2-1 and the offense is humming. Then again, they're giving up about 30 points a game, so it's hard to fully get behind them, unless you're a wide receiver, in which case it's quite easy. They should be up for this game though and I see them edging Carolina in a wild one.

Falcons 30-27

Oakland @ Baltimore
The Ravens have stunned us all by jumping out to a 3-0 record. Many aren't buying their success, pointing to their weak schedule and the fact that they haven't won a game by more than 6. But couldn't you say that that simply means they know how to win close games? Is that something you could say? Like would you mind saying it out loud right now? Just see what happens. Oh shit, that guy's looking at you and he seems PISSED. Shut your computer and get the hell out of there! Run! No there's no time to do a proper shutdown, just shut the damn thing and move you nimrod! Ok phew, I think we're in the clear, you moved pretty fast, gotta say I'm kind of impressed. There's no way he could've kept uuhhhh NOPE HE FOLLOWED YOU HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU. Hey man I gotta go, good luck!

Raiders 24-23

Detroit @ Chicago
These are the bottom two teams in the NFC North, so ya know what that means ... It's a Basement Battle. Little known fact: whenever two cellar dwellers play each other they do so in the basement of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Gullible viewers are easily fooled into thinking things are business as usual by the CGI stadium and crowd, but savvy fans will be on the lookout for players dodging unused busts as they make their way down the field. You see sometimes the Hall of Fame is so certain that a player will go on to a great career that they get a jump on things and create a bust for said prospect. Every so often this practice proves to be premature and the HOF tosses the bust's bust down in the basement. Last season in a Jags/Titans game Marcus Mariota narrowly avoided an injury when he barely dodged Neil O'Donnell's bronze head.

Lions 34-20

Sunday Afternoon

Denver @ Tampa Bay
Trevor Siemian continues to impress as Denver's new quarterback. Meanwhile, last week against Los Angeles, Tampa's quarterback Jameis Winston ran 5 yards past the line of scrimmage on the game's final play before he finally stopped pump-faking and decided to tuck it and run. I've seen the downfield pump-fake work on occasion, but this was the last play of the game, and it's common knowledge that when the ball passes the line of scrimmage on the final play the sideline official javelin tosses his yard marker onto the field (behind the play for safety reasons), rips off his vest, and runs screaming from the field like it was the last day of school. So once the Rams defenders saw this they knew they had Winston right where they wanted him. Against Denver's defense one can only expect Winston to be even more confused.

Broncos 27-17

Los Angeles @ Arizona
The Rams put up 37 points last week after amassing 9 total in their previous two games. How did they do it? I'm not sure. Why did they do it? I'm convinced it was just to fuck with me. Look, how am I supposed to pick scores when they don't make any sense? This isn't fair. I wish I could just quit. But I know I can't do that to you folks. Where else would you get weekly score predictions for every NFL game? Oh yeah, there are thousands of other options. Well whatever, I'm not going to stop because then the Rams of the world win, and that's something I just can't sit by and let happen. Also I bought this domain name for the next 10 years and I'm paying through the nose for it. Arizona should be desperate for a win, but hopefully not too desperate because then Chad will never call them back.

Cardinals 33-19

New Orleans @ San Diego
After their first two home games the Saints are giving up an average of 40 points inside the Superdome. Luckily for them this game is being played in San Diego, though in recent years Qualcomm has been flooded with opposing fans, making it seem like a home game for the visiting team. But if the Saints think they're playing at home they're libel to give up 40 points. They're in a tight spot. The obvious solution is to host a free pregame gumbo feed for all Saints fans in the parking lot. Of course, the gumbo will be mildly poisoned and send all those who ingest it straight to the porta-potty or possibly the hospital. Will there be fatalities? In a few extreme cases, yes. But it's a small price to pay to ensure that the team plays well. And really, if you're not willing to die for your team what kind of fan are you? Knowing the ineptitude of the Saints' front office though they probably won't do this and it will cost them the game.

Chargers 38-28

Dallas @ San Francisco
Dez Bryant has a hairline fracture in his right knee but was still hopeful that he'd be able to play this Sunday. I say he should've gone for it, what's the worst that could happen playing on a hairline fracture? I was going to link to the video Kevin Ware breaking his leg in the NCAA tournament but decided to spare you all. I am a benevolent soul. But my point was that they did discover that he was playing on a hairline fracture at the time, so the clip would've been relevant ... Maybe I should link to it ... How else will we learn if we do not use our past to teach us? Ok fine, I'll just link to this instead, and you can look up Ware on your own if you're interested. So anyway, long story short (too late), maybe sit these next couple out Dez, unless you want your bone sticking through your skin. And I assume you don't, unless you're some kind of weirdo. 

Cowboys 24-17

Sunday Night

Kansas City @ Pittsburgh

Take it away Cris:

I'm kind of surprised he didn't make a Color Me Dad reference ... er wait, that never existed.

Steelers 27-20

Monday Night

New York Giants @ Minnesota
I was going to make fun of Odell Beckham, Jr and his sideline antics from last Sunday, but can I? Do I live in a glass house. No, that'd be totally impractical. Can you imagine how hot that would be? And it would be a death trap in an earthquake. Anyway, I myself am prone to the occasional tantrum during a rough game. I've never hit myself with a kicking net, but you can bet if I'd had access to one it probably would've happened by now. As for this game I think it's going to be a close one that ends when Eli throws a pick on the Giants' final drive. But at least this way Beckham will be able to go directly to the locker room afterward to smash equipment away from the camera's prying eye.

Vikings 22-20


NFL Picks - Week 4 Thursday

Miami @ Cincinnati
After a couple of close calls in the first two weeks the Dolphins finally got their first win of the season last Sunday against the Browns ... in overtime. Beating the Browns in overtime is sort of like being given the Employee of the Month award only because everybody else has already won. It's like, yeah it counts but should you really be proud of it? Both of these teams are 1-2, but it feels like the Bengals are better, and my gut rarely lets me down, unless I've had too much cheese.

Bengals 27-19


NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning

Arizona @ Buffalo
Oh, you're back? I just assumed that after another week of middling accuracy you'd have given up on these picks. And I'm not sure if I'd blame you. Then again, I don't blame myself either. It's the teams' fault! Nobody's good. For every flash of brilliance a given team has displayed they've had just as many perplexing let downs. And I have reservations regarding even the most solid teams, be it injuries, suspensions, or a table for 2 (but seriously folks). So the fact that I've struggled to stay above .500 makes me just about even with most of the bipolar squads in this league. Of course, some teams have just looked downright awful. The Bills fit that ... bill, which makes this a relatively easy pick.

Cardinals 34-16

Oakland @ Tennessee
The Raiders have given up 69 points over their first two games. Their defense can't decide if they're upside down or right side up, and they've been sucking non-stop. Something will have to change for the Raiders, a statement that has been among the NFL's most ubiquitous over the past 13 years, however the expectations that are attached to Oakland this season lend some weight to their current situation. And the last thing this defense needs is extra weight, especially with that point total.

Raiders 26-23

Washington @ New York
The Giants are one of only three NFC teams to start 2-0. What?!? Well, they played at Dallas, against a rookie QB starting his first game in a stadium where the Cowboys only win half the time even when they're good. Then they conquered the Saints, who I'm convinced are lousy. New York won these games by a combined 4 points. So in reality, are they legitimately one of the best teams in the NFC? Yes you fool, they have home field advantage throughout the playoffs as of right now! Plus they can put themselves three games in front of their division's defending champions. It's time to start believing in the Giants. And maybe just giants in general. There's a lot of new research regarding these "mythical" creatures that would blow your mind. You don't know how high up this goes. I'm speaking in terms of conspiracy, not the height of the aforementioned giants, though you probably don't know how high up they go either.

Giants 23-16

Cleveland @ Miami
Oh no. Another week and another injured Browns QB. With Josh McCown out Cleveland now turns to Cody Kessler. But honestly, do we expect him to last through this game? The Browns need a savior. Or maybe someone with healing powers. Why not both? Clipboard Jesus has risen! Any coincidence that his new team travels to Miami's newly renamed Hard Rock Stadium this Sunday? Hard rocks are no match for this guy, whether he's being pelted with them or moving them aside from a cave opening ... Wait I'm thinking of real Jesus. Ah that's right Clipboard Jesus is not good at football. Browns are screwed.

Dolphins 27-10

Baltimore @ Jacksonville
At the start of the season I predicted that the Jaguars would finish 9-7 and sneak into a Wild Card spot. I said they'd be a playoff team while Denver would not. It's been three weeks since that post,and I'd really like a take-back. Am I giving up completely on Jacksonville? No. But did I just look in my bathroom mirror and shout obscenities at myself? No. That didn't happen, and there's no way anybody can prove it did. Not even sure why I brought it up. The Ravens come in with the better record, but they've looked shakier than my bathroom mirror when gripped with all the pent up force of foreboding shame. Give me the Jags, because I don't have a choice.

Jaguars 24-21

Detroit @ Green Bay
Is it time to start worrying about the Packers? No. You shouldn't concern yourself with such petty troubles, especially with that big opportunity coming up at work; you need to focus. That being said, Green Bay is 6-8 over their last 14 games, including the playoffs, so the Packers should certainly be worried about themselves. The Lions were a hail Mary away from sweeping this series last season, so they're definitely capable of winning this game. But, in the words of Michael Scott, I believe Green Bay is even capabler.

Packers 23-20

Denver @ Cincinnati
Look, I know I made a joke about it in Week 1, and it's well worn territory at this point, but I feel like I have to point out that a Siemian has a chance to get revenge on the city of Cincinnati! As we all know Cincinnati has been a tough place for simians to play (or live) this year, so I'm leaning towards the Bengals in this one, but what a story it would be if Trevor and the Broncos could drag themselves up by the collar and get a win.

Bengals 16-13

Minnesota @ Carolina
Another tough break for the Vikings as they will now be without Adrian Peterson for possibly the remainder of the season. How will they make up his 1.6 yards per carry? One option, and this is just a thought, is that they sign famed Minnesotan Kevin McHale to play running back, have him line up right next to Bradford, hand him the ball and let him simply extend it over the line with his outstretched arm. I'm guessing he had about a 9 foot wingspan, so that oughta get the job done. And hey, if he happens to see a hole, give him the green light, and let's see what he can do in the open field. I mean the guy is a hall of fame professional athlete, I don't care if it was a different sport and his prime was 30 years ago, some of those skills have to translate. In reality though none of that will probably happen, no matter how much sense it makes, so Carolina should muscle out a win.

Panthers 22-13

Sunday Afternoon

Los Angeles @ Tampa Bay
The Buccaneers are not the Seahawks, so they have a really good chance of beating the Rams.

Buccaneers 20-10

San Francisco @ Seattle
Two games into the season and these teams already have one common opponent, the Rams, that we can use for predictive analysis. The 49ers beat L.A. by 28, whereas the Seahawks lost to the Rams by 6. Using the transitive property we should expect San Francisco to win this game by 34. But, as Vince Lombardi once said, "Fuck the transitive property." The Hawks are banged up, but should also have a sense of urgency on offense after what we've seen the first two weeks. Expect a Seattle win because, please?

Seahawks 23-9

New York Jets @ Kansas City
What's going on with the Chiefs? Outside of their 2nd half comeback against the Chargers in Week 1 they've looked like a bit of a mess. It's almost as if they are missing their best player on offense and defense. Oh wait, that's exactly what's happening. They'll be without Jamaal Charles again this Sunday, which shouldn't help matters. As a result I'll take the seemingly competent Jets to win on the road. Of course, now the Chiefs will look great and Kansas City will continue to make me look like an idiot. And I'm not just talking about the Chiefs here, some KC wiz kid hacked into my phone and has been posting A LOT of nude pics from my photo library online. Sure I could delete them, but that would be backing down and then s/he wins. Not to mention I think there are some flattering shots in there.

Jets 24-22

San Diego @ Indianapolis
The chargers are a tough team to figure out. Every time I think they're going to zig they zag, but enough about the lightning bolt logo on their helmets, let's talk about the team! Haha, oh we have fun here don't we? I'm not totally kidding though, I have not idea what to expect from San Diego. At first glance this game figures to be a shootout. And who's got time for a second glance, am I right?

Colts 33-28

Pittsburgh @ Philadelphia
There are a lot of well-documented similarities between the two quarterbacks in this game, from their size to their small school backgrounds. For Roethlisberger looking at Wentz must be like looking into a mirror. A mirror that takes 12 years off your life and makes you look more like Andy Samberg (pic?). Wentz has been impressive so far, but it's difficult to say whether or not that's a product of the schedule. Either way he has two road wins under his belt and is set for his Philly debut in front of the famously welcoming Eagles fans. Just kidding, if he gets down two scores they'll start booing. And I'm predicting that'll happen.

Steelers 27-16

Sunday Night

Chicago @ Dallas
Bad news folks, Cris finally found out that Tony Romo is injured and won't be playing in this game. As you'd imagine he's none too thrilled:

Scathing stuff CriColl. I'm not sure if the absence of Cutler makes the Bears worse, but they're plenty bad either way.

Cowboys 24-15

Monday Night

Atlanta @ New Orleans
Mmm, it's a ssspicy southern match-up on Monday Night. It's times like these that I wish Bocephus were still alive to serenade us with a Cajun flavored diddy before the game. Yes, I know Bocephus is still alive, alive in the hearts of every Monday night football lovin' fan. Also alive in the physical sense of that he is breathing, has a pulse, and exists upon this mortal plane. But I fear we may be getting sidetracked; the point is that even though these teams may (and probably will) turn out to be lousy this should be a high-scoring romp (by the way my phone just tried to autocorrect "romp" to "Romo"; it's possible that CriColl had a hand in designing iOS 10).

Saints 34-30


NFL Picks - Week 3 Thursday

Houston @ New England
After an injury to understudy Jimmy Garoppolo, rookie quarterback Jacoby Brissett will get the start for the Patriots. I'm not sure how he'll perform because I'm not sure that he's actually a real person so much as he is a random name generated for a future player in Madden's franchise mode. He was thrust into action last week with New England driving toward a 24-0 lead. They ended up holding on for a 31-24 win. Just comparing those scores and doing some simple addition (which is usually how I make these picks) tells me that the team was worse with Brissett at the helm. Is it possible that the Patriots win with him this week? Well this is Boston sports where anything is possible. However, against a capable Houston D, I'll bet against New England ... Which is just what Belichick would want me to do ... Well joke's on you Billy, I'm picking you to win now! How do ya like them apples? Wait, am I getting one over on him here or not? It's a toss up for me, much like this game.

Texans 20-16


NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

San Francisco @ Carolina
Taking into account the prevalence of the read option and deception in both the Panthers' game plan and Chip Kelly's new Niners offense I'm boldly predicting that this game will set an NFL record for most fake handoffs. The current record holder is the 1948 match-up between the (appropriately named) Boston Yanks and the Chicago Cardinals in which the Yanks were down to their fourth string running back Lenny "No Hands" McMillan, a man who literally had no hands. As a result, any and all handoff attempts to McMillan predictably wound up being fakes. The Cardinals wised up fairly early on and recorded 17 sacks on the day, but that didn't deter the Yanks from sticking to their game plan, leading to the still record 58 fake handoffs between both teams. But as I said before, San Francisco and Carolina have a legit chance to break that record on Sunday. If I were in the Fox graphics department I'd have a counter on the screen at all times keeping track. Will the geniuses over at the Fox Sports have the wherewithal to pull this off? Highly doubtful, but we can hope.

Panthers 27-13

Dallas @ Washington
In this storied rivalry The Cowboys lead the all-time series 66-44-2. If I were Washington coach Jay Gruden I would vow that I wouldn't leave my job until that 22 game gap was closed and the series was even. This might sound like a bold declaration, but really it's just a sneaky move by Gruden to ensure job security. Each loss to Dallas would only add time to his future tenure. It's a brilliant strategy, which means it's probably beyond Jay Gruden. With all of one game of experience under their belts I believe Dallas's rookie backfield will do enough to get the road win.

Cowboys 21-20

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
It's the match-up of the week! Says who? Says me. Also, says the intense rivalry between these teams. And says the playoff expectations for both squads. Enough saysed. The real question going into this one is how many Bengals will wind up suspended and/or fined for something they do on the field this Sunday? I'll guess four, with two of them resulting from a play in which Antonio Brown ducks a pair of Bengals defenders who then commit a helmet-to-helmet hit on each other. This one promises to be close ... you promised guys, don't let us down.

Steelers 29-26

New Orleans @ New York Giants
Last season's meeting between these two teams resulted in a 52-49 shootout in New Orleans, and now Brees and Manning meet in New York for a gunslinging rematch. This is exactly the kind of game that Obama and Crooked Hillary don't want you to see! They want to take away your guns and consequently your gunslingers. Can you imagine a world without gunslingers? Go ahead and think for a second of a world in which Brett Favre never existed. I'll tell ya right now, that's not someplace I'd want to live. God bless the NRA for fighting for our right to watch two high powered offenses go at it.

Giants 35-32

Miami @ New England
The Patriots won without Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski last week begging the question: how did they cheat this time? There's no way that win was legit. I could smell the fishiness all the way in LA. Of course, I had quite a bit of leftover cod that I had to dump down the sink earlier in the day, and I do not have a garbage disposal, so that may have had something to do with the stench. Regardless, I'm sure that Belichick had something nefarious up his sleeve, and that this was involved.

Patriots 23-18

Kansas City @ Houston
It's a rematch of January's Wild Card playoff game, and dare I say a possible playoff preview for this season? If so, that would make this the second in a trilogy. So what can we expect based on our knowledge of the second installments of film trilogies? Perhaps Alex Smith will find out it was Andy Reid who betrayed him to a rival, or maybe JJ Watt will be frozen in carbonite. I'm just excited for the third one when Brock Osweiler gets into jazz and dyes his hair black. It sure seems like the Chiefs have the Texans' number, and I'll make my pick accordingly.

Chiefs 24-20

Tennessee @ Detroit
I told ya there would be a lot of points in that Detroit/Indy game didn't I? And what happened? Only the highest scoring game of the day. So maybe next time you'll listen to good ol' Mr. Pickman. Yes, I know I incorrectly said the Lions would lose. And ok, yes, I know I went 8-8 on the week. What, do you think you could've done better? Oh you think an ape picking at random could've done better? I'd like to see some research that backs up that opin... What do you mean you have an article? Let me see that! ... Gordie the football picking chimpanzee ... yada yada ... smears his feces by the team he thinks will win ... Oh this is ridiculous! Gordie clearly doesn't know anything about football! He probably just mindlessly stares at the screen every Sunday immobile and drooling for 7 hours at a time ... Hmm ... I'm smearing with Detroit!

Lions 30-22

Baltimore @ Cleveland
Oh boy. One week in and RG3 is already out. This is the most predictable thing since sliced bread. And I know that that saying doesn't seem like it works in this scenario, but back when bread came strictly in loaves there were a lot of folks predicting that it would eventually be sliced. Of course, they should have used that idea and just sliced the bread themselves, but that's not what us prognosticators do baby! Josh McCown now takes over as the Browns starter, which seems like no worse an option than Griffin, but then again, McCown is 2-17 over the last two seasons, so ...

Ravens 31-19

Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ Los Angeles
It's the first game in LA since December 24, 1994, when Dumb and Dumber ruled the box office, gas was free, and the kids were doing a new dance called the Osborn Shuffle. It was a simpler time, the crime rate was zero and no one locked their doors because they didn't have the option; doors simply didn't have locks back then. The Rams lost their opener last week 28-0 and just days later rumors began to surface that their coach Jeff Fisher would receive a contract extension. Heh, only in LA, right? If you tried to sell that as a Hollywood script they'd kick you out of the room. Not because it was too unbelievable but because it sounds like a lame movie that no one would watch.

Seahawks 20-6

Tampa Bay @ Arizona
Is it possible that the Cardinals could start the season with consecutive home losses? Mathematically speaking, yes. Is it probable? Mathematically speaking, who knows? And you see, this is where math fails us as a society. You can draw up all the formulas you want in an attempt to tell us who will win a football game, but math can't tell you how fast a man can run or how high he can jump. It can't tell you how far a man can throw a ball or when and where it will land. Yes, math has brought us many wonderful things in the past: airplanes, pizza, 1984 by George Orwell, the list goes on. But at the end of the day math ain't gonna tell me who won a football game, those numbers on that scoreboard will. And once I look long enough at that scoreboard and determine which of the two numbers is higher I'll know deep down in my heart and soul who came out on top.

Cardinals 26-20

Jacksonville @ San Diego
The Jaguars organization was quoted earlier in the week as saying that Chris Ivory was hospitalized with a "general illness." If Ivory ever embarks upon a hip hop career General Illness should be his rapper name. Not only because it sounds awesome but because I just copyrighted it, and if he makes money off of it I'm gonna be raking in the greenbacks. However, with that being said, can we trust that Ivory's hospital stay and "general illness" are above board? Who's to say that the Chris Ivory who went in to the hospital is the same Chris Ivory that came out? I'm not positing that it's a different person altogether, but it's highly likely that he was surgically altered, possibly with Wolverine style body enhancements that will make him an unstoppable force in the Jacksonville backfield. Consequently I have to go with the Jags here.

Jaguars 31-23

Atlanta @ Oakland
In response to ESPN stats & info tweeting a statistical counter argument to Jack Del Rio's decision to go for what would prove to be the game winning 2 point conversion the Raiders coach said "It's a good thing ESPN doesn't coach the Raiders." But what if ESPN did coach the Raiders? Tim Tebow would immediately be signed to play starting QB and instructed to personally deflate footballs in a bathroom before every game. Also they'd purposefully let teams make miraculous comebacks and try as many trick plays as possible. Actually, I'm talking myself into this; out with Jack in with Czarniak!

Raiders 33-25

Indianapolis @ Denver
I'm predicting that all available QBs for both teams will be injured, forcing the NFL's designated survivor Peyton Manning to play all-time quarterback; his dream come true. Unfortunately he's not what he used to be and he'll end the game with 1 TD and 7 INTs.

Broncos 23-20

Sunday Night

Green Bay @ Minnesota
Let's turn it over to the best color man in the game:

Thanks CriColl, meaningful and in depth analysis as always.

Packers 24-17

Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Chicago
After his sterling Week 1 debut against the Browns, Eagles' rookie quarterback Carson Wentz told reporters that his critics can go back from Wentz they came. He was then asked if he knew that his name and the word "whence" are not spelled the same. He said yes, but you could tell he was lying. However, a second reporter then chimed in to defend Wentz saying that the different spellings do not negatively affect the pun, and in fact, they may even heighten it. To which Wentz said, "Exactly!" while gesturing toward the initial reporter. But again, you could tell from the look on Wentz's face that he hadn't thought of that. Because that impressive Week 1 performance was against Cleveland, I'll wait until next week before I jump on the Wentz bandwagon, at whence point it may already be full.

Bears 27-21


NFL Picks - Week 2 Thursday

New York Jets @ Buffalo
Our first color rush game of the season and the Jets are wearing white?!? This is a result of last season's PR debacle when these two teams met in a green/red match-up that left color blind viewers miffed as to which team was which. I have a couple of problems with this. One, why bother scheduling these two to play again in a "color rush" Thursday night game? Just avoid the problem altogether. Secondly, and more importantly, when will the NFL stop capitulating to the oppressive color blind cartel? Someone needs to stand up to these monsters. They make me so mad that I see red. Then I remember that my ability to see red makes me better than those freaks and I calm down. 

Jets 20-16 


NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
Years from now you'll be able to recall exactly where you were when you watched this game. You'll regale fellow party goers with your recounting of the big plays, what you were wearing, your snack of choice during the game, no detail will be omitted. Of course, I'm operating under the assumption that not only will you watch this game, but also that you have that Marilu Henner brain abnormality in which you remember every day of your life. If that's not the case then this will be a mostly forgettable contest. I expect both of these teams to hover around mediocrity, so it's fitting that they kickoff the year against each other, and that most of us don't have to pay any attention to it.

Falcons 27-23

Minnesota @ Tennessee
If he had reentered the draft this past Spring would Sam Bradford have been selected in the 1st round? Would he even have been selected in the 4th round? So why did Minnesota decide that he was worth both picks?!? Some have made the argument that the Vikings are pushing all of their chips in, making a win now move. Then why trade for a guy that's never won? I think they'll be punished for their foolishness with a humbling loss in Tennessee.

Titans 20-17

Cleveland @ Philadelphia
All indications were that the Eagles were going to bring quarterback Carson Wentz along slowly, possibly even sitting him for his entire rookie season. Well apparently they saw enough out of him in the preseason, when he was injured in his lone appearance, to anoint him as their QB1. At this point I'd pick them to lose handily to just about any team in the league. That being said, they're playing the Browns. Now I don't know what to do. (Covering my eyes as I type ...)

Browns 10-9

Cincinnati @ New York Jets
It's a match-up between two playoff contenders. Then again, you could make that statement about any game this weekend and technically be correct. Except for Cleveland/Philly, they've both been mathematically eliminated already. Ryan Fitzpatrick played hardball with the Jets regarding his contract and won because his argument was you can either pay me or let Geno Smith be your starting quarterback. At that point the Jets had no choice but to back up the Brinks truck baby! That's right, they paid him entirely in cash. Sounds cool but it's actually very inconvenient for Ryan and his family. Imagine how stressful it must be to have that much cash sitting in your house at all hours. To make matters worse the Jets made a big show of the delivery, commissioning a parade to lead the armored car through the neighborhood so that everyone would be aware of the piles and piles of loose money that are now stashed within that house. The Fitzpatricks are living a waking nightmare. Due to all the stress I expect Fitz and the Jets to be sluggish in their first outing.

Bengals 23-16

Oakland @ New Orleans
There's a whole lotta buzz surrounding the Raiders coming into this season, but a lengthy road trip and a 10am kickoff to start the schedule could be a little tough to handle. I think they may struggle as a result. Then again, I could see them easily handling a Saints team that I don't expect to be very good. So basically I think Oakland will either win or lose.

Saints 30-28

San Diego @ Kansas City
To help improve his clock management skills after his deficiencies reached critical mass in a disastrous end to the Chiefs' playoff loss Andy Reid's wife put him in charge of managing all the clocks in their house. Sources tell me that it did not go well. He forgot about daylight savings time and as a result all of his clocks are still an hour behind. Don't be surprised when Reid doesn't show up until the 2nd quarter on Sunday. KC should still be able to rally from the resulting slow start.

Chiefs 27-17

Buffalo @ Baltimore
Tyrod Taylor will return to Baltimore, where he toiled on the bench for four seasons, and triumphantly shout, "Remember me?!?" To which the Ravens fans will respond, "Oh yeah. Hey what's up?" It won't be the frightened, trembling reaction he was hoping for and it will throw him off his game for much of the day. In this toss-up that will be too big of a hole for the Bills to dig themselves out of.

Ravens 20-17

Chicago @ Houston
At this point JaDeveon Clowney's injury saga seems like a neverending story. I say that not only because maladies nag him on an annual basis, but also because he looks like Falcor.
This man's luck is draggin'. I assume he's relatively healthy for Week 1 (I haven't actually verified that), and even if he weren't I'd still go with the Texans in this one.

Texans 23-13

Green Bay @ Jacksonville
The Jags should sign Jordan Rodgers, make him a captain, and send him out for the opening coin toss. He'll stare deep into Aaron's soul, rose in hand, their lips beginning to tremble. Together they'll break down in tears and hug, walking off the field arm in arm. And who was the ref? That's right, Chris Harrison. Why? Don't overthink it. I'm expecting a lot (probably too much) from Jacksonville this season and I think it starts with them giving Green Bay all they can handle in the opener.

Packers 35-31

Sunday Afternoon

Miami @ Seattle
The Dolphins open up their season with the longest road trip possible in the NFL. And I do mean road trip. I have it on good authority that the whole team piled onto a bus and left for Seattle last week. They've been leisurely weaving their way across the country stopping at many a roadside attraction. As fun as it sounds it was really a foolish endeavor, the team has missed a lot of valuable practice time. Then again, they did get to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth along the way, so there were pros and cons (Side note: Pros and Cons would be a great title for a book about an NFL team that had a lot of off the field trouble with the law; unless it's already been used. If not I'm calling dibs). Make no mistake though, they'll be pooped by the time they get off the bus, which won't bode well for their chances.

Seahawks 27-10

New York Giants @ Dallas
Ben McAdoo does not look like an NFL coach. He looks like an opposing youth soccer coach from 1994. Like the team is from the next town over, and they're probably no different than you and the kids from your neighborhood that you play with but something just seems off, and he's the embodiment of it. Needless to say I don't have much confidence in him. But I think his squad will get by an already banged up/suspended Cowboy team.

Giants 30-22

Detroit @ Indianapolis
Do you like points? Good, because this game will have them in ... Wait did you say no? You don't like points? What's your deal man? This is so typical, I have some awesome, hyped up blurb about this game and all the sick, scoreboard bustin' action we're going to see in it and then you take a fat dump on the whole thing by saying "Nah, don't like points." And I can tell you're doing it just to be a contrarian too, that's what make me so furious! Ya know what, fine, just don't watch this game then, no skin off my knee. Or whatever, watch it. But if I even see you so much as crack a smile or pump your fist after a touchdown I'm gonna tear you a new one pal. I'll put you on blast on alllll the social medias, I'll sign up for the ones I don't have just to drag you through the mud. I can't wait, oh I can't wait to throw this back in your face.

Colts 34-31

Sunday Night

New England @ Arizona
It's the moment I think we've all been waiting for. No, not this game, the analysis from my favorite and yours, CriColl himself, Cris Collinsworth! Obviously we haven't heard anything from him over the Summer so it should be interesting to hear what he's been up to and get his insight on this match-up. Take it away CC:
Wow, not what I was expecting from such a professional, but hey we all have off months. In fact, Tom Brady is having an off month right now, which makes this an easy pick. Also, please nobody tell Cris about Romo.

Cardinals 24-14

Monday Night

Pittsburgh @ Washington
Here's an interconference match up between 2015 playoff teams. Right now you're probably thinking "Oh boy, here's another dimwitted goof from a would be jokesmith." But I'm not kidding, Washington was actually a playoff team! Feel free to double check, I did. The fact that probably half of you had to look it up too should help explain why I'm not expecting very much from this group. Meanwhile, the Steelers have what should be an explosive offense despite the fact that they really like weed. As a result they'll be missing a couple pieces to start the season, but that shouldn't stop them from coming out smoking ... weed. They're just going to keep smoking weed. They'll probably have 3-5 more players suspended throughout the season. Regardless, they should be able to handle this one.

Steelers 30-23

Los Angeles @ San Francisco
Jeff Fisher's 7-9 rant from Hard Knocks sounded like Todd Parker at the end of Boogie Nights. (Clip is NSFW, unless you work at a totally badass office)
Desperate ravings of a hopeless man who knows he's beat. In other news, this game will be nationally televised and the starting quarterbacks will be Case Keenum and Blaine Gabbert. Umm.

Rams 13-10