NFL Picks - Week 9

Sunday Morning

Kansas City @ Buffalo

Upset alert! This isn't a drill folks, please proceed to take appropriate action. Hopefully you have an upset kit ready at all times for just such situations. If not, here's a list of things I have in mine that could help you get one assembled: rubber-soled shoes, booze, non-perishable canned goods, party poppers, a flashlight, and one of these hats. That's right, I'm calling it, Thad Lewis and the Buffalo Bills will hand the Chiefs their first loss of the year. Wait a minute, Thad Lewis isn't playing? Alright, call off the alert. Still though, you should make sure you have an upset kit prepped.

Chiefs 16-9

Minnesota @ Dallas

The quarterback battle wages on in Minnesota. Who will come out on top in this epic contest between Christian Ponder and Josh Freeman? The nation looks on with one singular thought: "We don't give a shit." Meanwhile, the Cowboys are reeling following a catastrophic loss in Detroit. Of course, if you go to Detroit and don't expect a catastrophe then that's probably your fault. Look for Dallas to rebound in a big way, Michael Cage style.

Cowboys 38-17

Tennessee @ St. Louis

Ram Rule #7: Go away, we're watching baseball. Luckily for the people of St. Louis they will have no scheduling conflicts this Sunday. Does that mean the stadium will be full? Probably not. But it could be three-quarters full, and that's what I like to call progress. If Kellen Clemens can give the Rams merely efficient play they should have a chance, but that may be asking too much.

Titans 17-12

New Orleans @ New York Jets

The Jets have been wildly inconsistent this season. Wet and wildly? No. That's gross. Grow up. New York has put up over 26 points per game in their four wins and only 9.5 points per game in their four losses. So which team will show up this Sunday? Well they've alternated wins and losses so far, which means that after their blowout defeat last week the Jets should feasibly get the win. But they won't, because that pattern doesn't mean anything.

Saints 27-20

San Diego @ Washington

The Redskins put together three quality quarters last week against the Broncos. But you know what they say, three quarters only count in certain laundry machines. If you ask me though that saying is a bit antiquated, I mean, where can you find a laundromat or an apartment building that only charges 75 cents for a load? Not at my place, I'll tell ya that much. It's like, $1.50 for a wash? Who do I look like, F. Scott Fitzgerald? (He was rich, right?). Look, the point is that three quarters just doesn't cut it in the National Football League.

Chargers 31-26

Atlanta @ Carolina

After another loss last week dropped them to 2-5, the Atlanta Falcons are now in
more danger than the Perregrin Falcon was in the mid 20th century before a ban on DDTs and other pesticides and an increased captive breeding effort contributed to a rebound in their population. As for the Panthers, they've recently been displaying an increased captive beating effort. I expect their success to continue.

Panthers 30-23

Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ Seattle

If the Hawks' win on Monday taught us anything it's that playing offensive line is super hard. The lack of protection eventually made me wonder if it was actually malicious on the linemen's part. But willfully allowing your quarterback to be sacked wouldn't make sense unless this was your quarterback.

Seahawks 27-3

Philadelphia @ Oakland

What has happened to the Eagles' offense? They've scored a total of 10 points over the last two weeks. Fortunately for them they get to go back on the road after their 10th straight home loss. Philly's lost more at home than I used to with my ex-wife. Also a boost to the Eagles' chances will be the simple fact that they don't have to start Matt Barkley this week. That alone is reason enough for me to pick them to beat a Raiders team that has shown that they can both win and lose games. The only thing left for them to prove is that they're capable of tying; but I just don't see it happening this week.

Eagles 24-21

Baltimore @ Cleveland

Baltimore's last four games have been decided by 3 points or less, so clearly they like to stay close with teams. Which makes sense with all of the players they lost in the offseason. It's an obvious case of abandonment issues. The Ravens now fear that everybody will leave them, and if they let a team get too far away they'll never get them back. It's a flawed strategy that's led to a 1-3 record over the last month, but until they learn to trust again the tight games promise to continue.

Ravens 19-17

Pittsburgh @ New England

Tom Brady is off his game. And not just on the field either, from what I've heard he's only slept with one woman all season. Home boy's what we call double-slumping. I haven't seen it this bad since Bret Boone's '05 season when he only hit 7 HRs and had to start hooking up with dudes. The good news for Brady is that the Patriots are 6-2 anyway. The even better news is that Ben Roethlisberger thinks he's the best QB in the league, and if there's one man's judgment that you can always trust it's Ben Roethlisberger's.

Patriots 26-19

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Houston

Both of these teams had byes last week, which should leave them well-rested for this contest. Hopefully they didn't rest too long though, like one of those naps where you wake up more tired than when you started. I mean, what's the deal with that? Those shouldn't be called naps, they should be called nopes (and in case you're wondering, yes I did write that last gag while spot-lit in front of a brick wall wearing a sports coat, jeans, and sneakers). Case Keenum is getting the start again for the Texans, and one could make the case that in this case, Case gives Houston a legit chance to win. However, I think the Colts will be just too good. Case closed.

Colts 24-16

Monday Night

Chicago @ Green Bay

This one has all the makings of a squash match. No not a squash match, a squash match. Hopefully that clears that up.

Packers 38-14


NFL Picks - Week 9 Thursday

Cincinnati @ Miami

It's a Halloween foooooooootball spooktacular for ghosts and ghouls alike. I'm sure that the NFL Network will take full advantage of the occasion by showing highlights of former Bengals linebacker Carl Wolfman and Dolphins legend Darnell Dracula. Cincinnati looked scaaaaary good against the Jets last week, but Miami should provide a few more bumps in this night.

Dolphins 23-20


NFL Picks - Week 8

Sunday Morning

Dallas @ Detroit

As of last week it appears that Matthew Stafford has officially crossed the line to where he'll blindly throw the ball to Calvin Johnson in triple coverage. While some would call this a reckless strategy I'd call it devil-may-care. Similar meanings, yes, but I just decided that I didn't feel like using the word 'reckless.' And though this manner of play may come back to bite him some weeks it may actually serve him well against the Cowboys and their 30th ranked pass D. Tony Romo should throw for yards aplenty as well, but in this game they won't be aplenty enough.

Lions 37-34

Cleveland @ Kansas City

It's official, the Chiefs are the NFL's last undefeated team, and I have to admit that I'm impressed. But now Brandon Weeden is coming to town and as a starting quarterback this season he is also undefeated. Oh, wait a minute, no he actually hasn't won any games yet, That's right, I meant to say opposite of undefeated, my mistake. So right, Weeden is total crap, which seems wholly appropriate based on the name of his team. Luckily, for the Browns they announced that ol' B Weeds has a concussion and Jason Cambpell will be getting the start. Still, he's facing a top-notch defense on the road, this doesn't look good.

Chiefs 23-9

Miami @ New England

In last week's loss to the Jets, Tom Brady had what many have called an uncharacteristic performance. But what DO we really know about this character Tom Brady? Has anybody ever heard anything about his past, i.e. when he got drafted or where he went to college? I've done some digging and I have to say that the facts just aren't there, at least not where I've looked. So where's the truth? We're all waiting to hear it. The ball's in your court Mr. Brady.

Patriots 27-20

Buffalo @ New Orleans

Well Thad Lewis did it, he got a win over the Dolphins last week and the Bills are now 3-4. With EJ Manuel most likely returning to his role as starter within the next couple weeks it seems that Thad is merely a fad, though he still gets to play for a tad. Case in point he'll be the starter this Sunday when the Bills travel to New Orleans to take on a Saints team coming off their bye week. This is a tough match-up that doesn't look like it will turn out well for Buffalo, but then again, when does it ever?

Saints 31-19

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

The Eagles have now lost nine straight home games. I've heard of a home-field advantage, but this Sir, is decidedly a home-field disadvantage ... (pause for laughter) ... (still paused? Wow, you guys really liked that one.) ... (Ok, now I'm worried that this laughter is really just being done in a mocking fashion, almost as if you're laughing at me instead of with me, which I now feel obligated to say was not the intended effect. Perhaps if I explained my snide barb more clearly you'd appreciate it. You see, most teams win more often at home for any number of reasons, some of which I'll list right now ... You stopped reading didn't you? Alright, fine! I'll be honest, it wasn't my best material. You want me to admit that I'm running out of things to say? Is that what you want? Ok, fine! It's true! Are you happy now!? Ugh, you are, I can see that smug little smile on your face, What an ass.)

Giants 24-23

San Francisco @ Jacksonville

We're going back to London! Jaguars fans must be thrilled that this is considered one of their home games, meaning that the folks in Jacksonville will only be subjected to watching them in person seven times. And they said these international games are good for nothing. Despite the long flight, things shouldn't be too difficult for the Niners in this one. Also, Jaw Sweatshirt will most likely be a big hit in London, because they love assholes.

49ers 38-10

Sunday Afternoon

New York Jets @ Cincinnati

With their win last week the Jets are 4-3, meaning they've already surpassed the win total that I predicted for them in the preseason. Of course, I didn't know that the refs would heavily aide them with game-changing personal foul penalties at the very end of two separate games. If I had known that I'd be some sort of super-prescient mega-picker who's always right; and as my ex-wife would tell you, that's certainly not the case. The Bengals escaped from Detroit with a win last week, managing to beat a quality team on the road in the process. Seeing as how they're much better at home, beating the Jets shouldn't present too much of a problem.

Bengals 20-16

Pittsburgh @ Oakland

After starting the season 0-4 the Steelers have consecutive wins and find themselves only 1.5 games behind the 2nd wild card spot in the AFC. Their turnaround has been the result of dramatically improved defensive play and probably cheating, if I had to take a guess. Look, I'm not saying that they're definitely doing it, but it's at least something to consider. Will they find a way to win against the Raiders this Sunday, nefarious or otherwise? You can bet on it. No seriously you can if you want. I know that gambling is supposed to be illegal, but trust me, there are certain avenues through which to do it if you look hard enough.

Steelers 22-17

Washington @ Denver

The Broncos are no longer undefeated after Peyton Manning's return to Indianapolis. This just goes to show that no one, under any circumstances should ever return to Indiana, there's just no way for it to end well. The Redskins bring a strong running attack to Denver to face the Broncos' #1 rush D. Of course, that number is skewed because teams are usually trailing Denver by a couple of scores, leading them to abandon their run game. Case in point, the Broncos are dead last against the pass. While Washington should be able to put up points it probably won't matter when you consider that their inept defense will be going against the league's best offense.    

Broncos 45-28

Atlanta @ Arizona

This is the easiest game to pick of the week. The Cardinals played the Seahawks last Thursday, which means they'll lose this Sunday. As I'm sure you all know by now, teams are 0-6 the week after they play the Hawks. Sorry Cards, don't blame yourself ... though you should be ashamed of your whining coach who wears a Kangol cap at all times when not on the field.

Falcons 24-17

Sunday Night

Green Bay @ Minnesota

I watched pretty much all of last week's Monday Night Football game between the Vikings and the Giants. There, I admit it. I'm not proud of myself. What I saw was not pretty. Josh Freeman was clearly in over his head, going 20-53 in his first start with Minnesota. The only thing worse would be having to watch this team play another primetime game this week .... Oh shit. I really hope I don't end up watching the whole thing again.

Packers 28-13

Monday Night

Seattle @ St. Louis

The Seahawks' defense will be more than happy to see Kellen Clemens line up opposite them. And as if this team needed any further boost to their spirits, this guy is back. Ram Rule #6: Bend over.

Seahawks 31-6 

NFL Picks - Week 8 Thursday

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

I realize I've been pretty hard on Mike Glennon ever since he became the Buccaneers' starting quarterback, indeed maybe too hard. I'm not even sure he's playing that poorly, hold on let me check his stats ... Oh man. Why did they have to put his picture on the page? Now it's all I can look at. Ok, forget it, I'm definitely picking the Panthers who have won handily in consecutive games behind outstanding play from Cam Newton.

Panthers 24-17


NFL Picks - Week 7

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

When I wrote that the Falcons would be desperate for a win back in Week 4 I had no idea just how desperate things would get. They're one more loss away from going to a prostitute and just paying for a W. I mean, they need a win bad. If only there were a team in the NFL that had the guy who made the "Aicha" video as their starting quarterback. Wait a minute ... that team exists! And they're coming to town! Atlanta will surely get back on the right track this week. But they should probably keep in touch with that prostitute just in case.

Falcons 28-13

Cincinnati @ Detroit

I hesitantly picked the Bengals to win on the road last week for the sole reason that they were going against Thad Lewis. And wouldn't ya know it, they almost went ahead and lost anyway, making Thad look thenthational in the protheth. The Lions went on the road and beat the Browns 31-17 last week, the same team that Cincy lost to 17-6 two weeks earlier meaning I have no choice but to pick against the Bengals here. It's just math guys. I didn't do this to you Cincinnati, you did this to you.

Lions 24-20

Buffalo @ Miami

I'd like to publicly apologize to Thad Lewis for my disparaging remarks last week. The guy is clearly a competitor. And the good news is that now the Bills have signed Matt Flynn to be his back-up, meaning that his job is totally secure. Until EJ Manuel comes back, that is. But that won't be this week, and while Thad may give another valiant effort it most likely won't be enough to take out the Dolphins in their hornet's nest of a home stadium. I refer to it as that because much of the upper deck has been so bereft of human contact that it is now rife with hornet's nests. We're talking a Grade 3 infestation.

Dolphins 26-16 

New England @ New York Jets

Tom Brady orchestrated a heart-stopping drive in the final minute to beat the Saints last week. Forget TNT, this guy knows drama. Seriously though, forget about TNT. We all know it's gone down hill ever since Nitro got cancelled. And I mean, if you own your own copy of Shawshank Redemption what's the point? Unless they agree to produce (or at least consider) my script for the crossover mini-series Rizzoli & Franklin & Isles & Bash I really have no interest in supporting that network. The Jets suffered a big letdown last week in giving Pittsburgh their first win, I don't expect things to improve against New England.

Patriots 31-17 

Dallas @ Philadelphia

It's a heavyweight battle for 1st place in the NFC East. And these heavyweights each happen to be 3-3! The Cowboys are 0-2 on the road while the Eagles are 0-2 at home, so something's gotta give! The bottom line is that at the end of the day one of these teams will have an inside track to capture their division title.

Cowboys 41-35

Chicago @ Washington

If you watched the Bears game closely last week you may have seen Jay Cutler smiling on the field. At first I was bewildered, but then I realized that he was probably thinking about the extra days off he'd get before he had to play another football game. Must've been so stoked. Unfortunately for Jay his Fall break is over and now he has to wake up early and go to work. Bummer. I have a strange feeling that Chicago will come out flat, allowing the Skins to get an early lead and hang on for the win. Why? Because sometimes things don't make sense. Like Jay Cutler smiling, or him taking on a second job as a high-priced LA realtor.

Redskins 28-25

St. Louis @ Carolina

Both of these teams exploded for 25 point road wins in Week 6. Where did that come from? How 'bout from yer butt? Ever consider that dorko? Haha, sorry pal, you've been busted. Anyhow, the Panthers have a very solid defense, and while I'm not sure playing at home is too much of an advantage, it's probably not a disadvantage.

Panthers 17-10 

San Diego @ Jacksonville

While I picked the Chargers to upset the Colts last week I didn't think they'd do it the way they did, with a powerful running game and an impressive defensive performance. Philip Rivers didn't have to do it all himself, and he was clearly thrilled that he could count on his teammates. Oh boy. What a sad display that was. Why was he all alone? Does it reveal something about the team chemistry in San Diego that their starting quarterback would be sitting by himself on the bench at the end of a big win? It's quite possible. Does this potential lack of chemistry mean that they'll lose to the Jags? Not quite as possible.

Chargers 31-21

Sunday Afternoon

San Francisco @ Tennessee

The Titans really like to hang around when they have no business doing so, like nerds at a babefest. You gotta hand it to these lame-os, they're mildly persistent. I mean, they'll probably just go away if you ask nicely, but if you don't say anything or don't even notice that they're there they could eventually present a problem. I expect that Tennessee will be asked to leave sometime around the start of the 4th quarter this week.

49ers 27-17

Cleveland @ Green Bay

Brandon Weeden threw a pivotal interception last week when he tried to pitch the ball diagonally up field about 15 yards. To complete that pass would have required an awfully powerful shovel. Who does this guy think he is? The Browns' improbable playoff run has hit a major speed bump with a murderous four game stretch starting this week. And with Weeden at the driver's seat they might not have enough gas to get over it. To be fair though, it's one of those really thin, steep speed bumps that are a total pain in the ass. It's like, are they trying to blow out my tires?

Packers 26-12

Houston @ Kansas City

Outrage ensued after a number of Texans fans cheered an injured Matt Schaub while he laid on the Reliant Stadium turf last week. But to be fair, up until that point Schaub probably wasn't aware that the fans were upset with his poor play, now there's no doubting that he knows exactly how they feel. So kudos to the Houston fans, you got your point across very clearly to that pussy. Thumbs up!

Chiefs 20-16

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh

This once classic rivalry has fallen on hard times. These teams come into this match-up with a combined 4-7 record and only 3 Super Bowl titles in the last 8 years between them. Pretty pathetic you two. If anybody chooses to actually watch this game they'll probably see a competitive contest in which the Ravens win late. But again, who cares at this point? TNT is airing Total Recall at the same time, I suggest you watch that instead. Wait a minute, forget I said that!

Ravens 24-22

Sunday Night

Denver @ Indianapolis

Colts owner Jim Irsay provided a bizarre sound bite this week in which he made a veiled attack on Peyton Manning, pretty much saying that he put up "Star Wars numbers," but didn't win enough in the playoffs. Um, what? I don't have a problem with the criticism, just the phrase, "Star Wars numbers." What is that supposed to mean? There are numbers mentioned at times during the Star Wars movies, is that what he's talking about? Or maybe the episode numbers themselves, but those only go up to 6, so that wouldn't make much sense. Someone needs to hold Mr. Irsay accountable for his words and if he won't offer an explanation he should be sternly chastised for being confusing. Enter Manning, exactly the type of QB that can provide such a whooping. I expect Peyton to have another big day, putting up Back to the Future numbers in the process. At the same time, I believe that Andrew Luck will take advantage of the woeful Denver pass D on the way to some impressive stats of his own. I mean, I don't necessarily want to say Jurassic Park numbers, but certainly close. And with that in mind I'm picking Indy to hand Denver their first loss.

Colts 34-31 

Monday Night

Minnesota @ New York Giants

43 years ago a man named Roone Arledge had a funny notion: football games on Mondays. While many scoffed at the seemingly crazy idea, ABC took a chance, and in 1970 they launched Monday Night Football to rave reviews. After decades of success in which the weekly game became widely regarded as the best production in sports we now know that it was all a mistake, because of this game.

Giants 27-20


NFL Picks - Week 7 Thursday

Seattle @ Arizona

Thursday games are never easy, and normally I would rather the Seahawks be playing this one at home rather than have to travel on a short week. However, when I realized that this was the Thursday Night Football intro song that the NFL Network is using I became relieved that it didn't have to be associated with the city of Seattle. That's a load off. Without that godawful song weighing on their conscience look for the Hawks to come out carefree and loose. I expect them to put a lot of pressure on Carson Palmer, even more pressure than his domineering father, Bill Palmer put on him when he enrolled him in private classes with Orange County quarterback guru Bob Johnson at the age of 13. He'll succumb as a result.

Seahawks 27-13


NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

Cincinnati @ Buffalo

When injuries decimate your quarterback position who do you turn to? If your answer was Thad Lewis, then you're the Buffalo Bills ... and you're fucked. The Bengals have yet to win on the road this season, and in any other situation it would be tough to pick them. Fortunately for Cincy, this week they're playing against a real Thad thack,

Bengals 23-10

Detroit @ Cleveland

"I believe in Brian Hoyer," is a declaration I made last week. Apparently God doesn't believe in him, because He cruelly struck him down during what was promising to be the most inspirational playoff run in the history of the National Football League. And how did the Browns respond to this adversity? They dropped Brown bombs all over the Bills. These Browns are steamin' hot, but will they be able to stay afloat this week against the Lions? I say yes, they look like they eat plenty of fiber.

Browns 24-21

Oakland @ Kansas City

If I told you before the season that the Chiefs would be 5-0 at this point, what would you have said? Probably something really hilarious but like really intelligent at the same time, because you're so funny and smart. Aaargh, ok, I'm going to stop gushing before I embarrass myself. But seriously, I think you're really great, and I'm really excited to get to know you better before the season ends; but only if you want, I mean if not, that's totally cool, but as for me, I don't have a ton of plans yet, so I'd be down to hang out sometime soon.

Chiefs 24-16

Carolina @ Minnesota

Last week featured a number of intriguing match-ups at 10am, whereas this week there are very few. You could say that we went from feast to ... well, not as much food, like a starved situation, or at best a light snack. Case in point is this stinker of a match-up that Josh Freeman will get the pleasure of watching from the Vikings sideline. While Minnesota could clearly use some help at quarterback they've actually managed to put up a stunningly high 28.8 points per game so far. However, they've yet to play a defense as good as the Panthers', and I've got a feeling that Carolina will get the road victory.

Panthers 22-19

Pittsburgh @ New York Jets

Geno Smith unfurled a magical performance in a Monday night win over Atlanta. Of course, magic and/or witchcraft on the field is strictly prohibited by league rules. It appears that the NFL has decided to cut the rookie some slack though and let the victory stand, but just this once. The Jets shouldn't need anything supernatural this week against the Steelers. New York's D is 2nd against the run, while Pittsburgh is 2nd to last in rushing. This promises to result in Roethlisberger being forced into a lot of passing situations against aggressive pressure. Ben's good at applying aggressive pressure, not receiving it.

Jets 23-17

Philadelphia @ Tampa Bay

Lost in their 0-4 start is the fact that the Bucs ... umm, uh oh, I forgot what I was going to say. Jeez, talk about irony, right guys? I mean, was saying that a fact was lost, and then I lost that very fact myself. Wow, that is just too funny. Sometimes I really crack myself up gang. I think what I was going to say had something to do with the fact that despite being winless Tampa is giving up a respectable 17.5 points per game. Of course, the problem is they're only putting up 11. And this guy is their starting quarterback.

Eagles 25-22

Green Bay @ Baltimore

The game of the morning is this one; in other words, this is the game of the morning. The match-up between the Packers' high-powered offense and the Ravens' re-tooled defense will be one to watch, while FlacMan goes against the Green Bay D, hoping not to botch (another game). The Packers have lost their first two road games, and it doesn't get much easier in Baltimore, where the Ravens rarely lose. But I think Rodgers has a big game and gets the mild upset.

Packers 31-26

St. Louis @ Houston

Watching Matt Schaub has become like watching a guy punch himself in the face. At first it's really entertaining and hilarious, but then when he keeps doing it longer than he should it just gets uncomfortable until finally everyone is crying and begging him to stop. A home loss to the Rams could very well signal T.J. Yates' return as the Texans' QB1. However, if you go back and re-read that last sentence you'll notice that I said 'Rams,' so that loss is probably out of the question.

Texans 27-12

Sunday Afternoon

Tennessee @ Seattle

Something happened last week that we're not going to talk about, but suffice it to say the Hawks should come out angry in this one. Anger is a rare emotional state for a group that spends this much time meditating, but I think it will work out well. Nothing ever goes wrong when blind rage is the motivation.

Seahawks 27-9

Jacksonville @ Denver

This one has the potential to get uglier than the Bucs starting QB. The Broncos have put up over 50 in each of their last two games. The Jags have scored 51 points on the season. Peyton Manning has thrown for 20 touchdowns so far, the Jags have 5 ... total. My guess is that Denver will step off the gas at some point, but not before running over Jacksonville a few times, then stopping and spinning their tires on the Jags carcasses and following it up with a few badass donuts.

Broncos 49-14

Arizona @ San Francisco

The 49ers signed John Skelton last week in an obvious case of subterfuge. San Francisco was clearly looking ahead to this game and interested in any possible advantage they could get over the Cardinals by signing their former quarterback. At least that's the only reason to sign John Skelton that I could come up with. These teams actually have identical 3-2 records, and they both wear red. So they may be more evenly matched than you'd think. Still, I'll go with the home team.

49ers 31-16

New Orleans @ New England

Some folks out there might tell you that this is a Super Bowl preview. Those same folks might tell you other things, like smoking makes you look cool, or train dodging is totally boss. Don't listen to those low-lifes! I don't care if they're always smooching babes and wearing snug pants, they're bad influences. Thumbing your nose at authority, while wildly fun, and really the key to a fulfilling life, will get you nowhere. In a match-up of future hall of fame QBs against improved defenses I'll predict that the Saints lose their first game of the year.

Patriots 24-23

Sunday Night

Washington @ Dallas

The Cowboys put up a valiant effort in their 51-48 loss to the Broncos last week. But you know the old saying: valiant efforts only count in old shoes and oral sex. It might sound crass, but that's just the fact. And it's a shame too, because the brunt of the blame seems to be heaped onto Tony Romo's shoulders. That's simply not fair. Just because he never wins close, important games doesn't mean it's always his fault. Luckily for Dallas, this game isn't important, and it probably won't be too close.

Cowboys 34-24

Monday Night

Indianapolis @ San Diego

Colts coach Chuck Pagano was caught on camera whistling (with fingers in mouth) as Steven Hauschka attempted a field goal in their game against the Seahawks. What a lame-o. I've seen coaches encourage the crowd to get louder by waving their arms in the air, and I have no problem with that. But actually making noise yourself? You're an NFL coach, right? Ok, so stop acting like an amateur. As a result, I'm picking San Diego, which means I'm rooting for Philip Rivers ... aww, rats.

Chargers 30-27



NFL Picks - Week 6 Thursday

New York Giants @ Chicago

This contest couldn't come at a worse time for the Giants; because it's a football game. Seriously, things aren't looking good in New York, Eli has thrown 12 picks and the defense is giving up a league-worst 36.4 points per game. That's worse than the Jags folks. There's a sentence that'll make Giants' fans shed tears into their mama mia's googats. While the Bears have been reeling a bit as of late, I think they'll have enough to get by the Giants, who have been reeling harder than Kevin Van Dam.

Bears 30-20


NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Indianapolis

The Seahawks looked like the computer in a game of Madden last week. Whoever was controlling the Texans had it set to Pro (or even Rookie) for about the first three quarters, then got cocky and turned it up to All-Madden. Big mistake hot shot. Needless to say that kid broke his controller at the end of the game and now his mom has hidden the Playstation for what she says will be two weeks, but I'll will be 10 days once she cracks under relentless pleading. Andrew Luck probably never played Madden growing up (nerd) so he's likely become very confused reading this; a confusion that promises to last all through Sunday with the Hawks' D out to prove a point after giving up 300+ pass yards for the first time in 13 games.

Seahawks 24-17

New Orleans @ Chicago

This is one of a number of intriguing 10am match-ups, made possible by the fact that the bye week party is taking place in Sucktown and the Vikings, Steelers, Buccaneers, and Redskins are invited. Trimming the fat has left us with some top notch games, which is exactly what we have here. The Saints' offense appears to have become fully operational after their blowout win over Miami; while the Bears looked like who we thought they were in a turnover-riddled performance against Detroit. I expect Drew Brees to stay hot, or at least warm enough, while facing a Bears D that has shown that it's more than willing to give up yards in bunches.

Saints 30-23

New England @ Cincinnati

It's become clear that the Bengals are a much worse team away from home. That's pathetic. I have no respect or sympathy for teams who can't perform at the same level no matter the circumstances. But the good news for Cincy is that they are at home this week. The bad news is that Tom Brady is coming to town, and beside the fact that he's going to plow all the chicks in the area, he's also bringing a four game winning streak with him. Although the Bengals have shown that they can rise to the occasion on occasion. I expect them to do just that and hand the Pats their first loss.

Bengals 27-24

Detroit @ Green Bay

Coming off a bye week at 1-2, the Packers promise to be desperate for a win. At least that's what they promised me, and they better not go back on that, because when someone promises me something and doesn't follow through, I do NOT forget about it. Expect a lot of points, not just on the scoreboard but also tons of solid observations by the announce team.

Packers 35-27

Kansas City @ Tennessee

When the season started this didn't figure to be a game featuring teams with a combined 7-1 record. But, of course, when you figure you make a fig out of u and re ... hmm, that's a stupid saying. The Chiefs have already doubled their win total from last year behind a defense that's allowed just over 10 points per game. Meanwhile, the Titans are 3-1 as the result of ... well, I'm not really sure how they're 3-1, but they are, so let's all just agree to deal with it. However, with Jake Locker being gone for at least a month it's now up to Ryan Fitzpatrick to helm the ship. They say if the shoe fits, wear it. Well, if your quarterback is Fitz, you're gonna wear it.

Chiefs 20-13

Jacksonville @ St. Louis

I'm going to be out of LA this Sunday, but I think I'm going to stop by the Shack on Saturday morning, dial this game's channel up on the Corner Screen, and then place a parental lock on the box so that I'm 100% sure this one gets cornered; because if any contest in this short season has deserved it, this is the one.

Rams 31-17

Baltimore @ Miami

The Ravens learned the hard way last week that you don't just waltz into Ralph Wilson Stadium and leave with a win. Unless you try, that is, which it really didn't seem like Baltimore was doing. FlacMan let down a nation with his 5 interception performance. I'm not sure I can trust him right now, and that hurts. Damn you FlacMan, damn you for making me believe in you.

Dolphins 24-21

Philadelphia @ New York

The prophecy has come true: Chip Kelly has revolutionized the way I think about the NFL. You see, I used to think that a team that leads the league in rushing would also dominate the time of possession and therefore limit the opposition's points. But Chip and the Eagles have proven that that doesn't have to be true, by surrendering a liberal 34.5 points per game. Bravo coach Kelly for not conforming to our rigid expectations.

Giants 31-29

Sunday Afternoon

Carolina @ Arizona

It was just about 25 months ago that Cam Newton burst onto the scene at Arizona with 422 yards passing in his first game as a pro. This season he has 577 yards in his first three games combined. It's safe to say he peaked way too early. And in this game he's going to get picked way too early. And that, my friends, is what they call a mastery of the English language. If I had to guess, the reason for Newton's steady decline is that that kid from the Play 60 commercial is still in his head.

Cardinals 17-14

Denver @ Dallas

We all know Peyton Manning is putting up numbers at a record pace through the first quarter of the season, but now he has to travel to AT&T Stadium where the Cowboys are 19-15 all-time. Peyton's going to have a tough time continuing his hot start against a team who wins at their home stadium more than they lose ... barely. When all is said and done though, I'm betting that 15 moves to 16.

Broncos 41-31

Sunday Night

Houston @ San Francisco

Poor Matt Schaub. It's not his fault that he keeps throwing costly interceptions. I blame the coaches for putting him in those situations, and his own instincts for forcing him to make ill-advised throws. Given the time to actually sit back and assess the throws I'm guessing he'd be the first to tell you that they probably weren't very wise. But alas, that's rarely how football works. I'm guessing he'll have to rely on his instincts at some point again this Sunday, which probably won't turn out very well.

49ers 23-16

San Diego @ Oakland

Oakland always has to one up San Francisco. If the Niners are playing on Sunday night, then the Raiders have to play even later. Look Oakland, you're widely regarded as the superior city in the Bay Area, why do you have to rub it in every chance you get? Just for that I'm picking San Diego; not as a better city, of course, just to win this game.

Chargers 28-24

Monday Night

New York Jets @ Atlanta

The Jets have a better record than the Falcons, which goes to show that picking the outcome of games is futile. As is trying to guess the outcome of one's life. Just let it happen people. Of course, I should be the first to heed this advice, which is why I will no longer be predicting games on a weekly basis.

Just kidding. Put down the gun, or the knife, or the knife/gun (bayonet).

Falcons 27-14


NFL Picks - Week 5 Thursday

Buffalo @ Cleveland

I believe in Brian Hoyer. Is he the most talented quarterback in the league? No. Is he the most athletic? No. Does he look cool? Not really. All I know is that the man's a winner. Seriously, that's all I know, I haven't watched much of the Browns the last two weeks. Can ya blame me? It seemed like they'd given up on their own season so you can't really expect me not to give up as well. But now I'm back on board, and I look like somewhat of a savant for picking the Browns to make the playoffs (feel free to throw 'idiot' in front of savant if you want, see if I care (God I hope you don't, your opinion means everything to me)). It's a foregone conclusion that Cleveland is bound for the postseason now that they've won consecutive games and I'll be laughing all the way to the bank, because I get paid for every playoff pick I get right ... by myself ... from my own bank account ... it's a little pat on the back I give myself ... because damn it, I deserve it.

Browns 20-16