NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

Cincinnati @ Buffalo

When injuries decimate your quarterback position who do you turn to? If your answer was Thad Lewis, then you're the Buffalo Bills ... and you're fucked. The Bengals have yet to win on the road this season, and in any other situation it would be tough to pick them. Fortunately for Cincy, this week they're playing against a real Thad thack,

Bengals 23-10

Detroit @ Cleveland

"I believe in Brian Hoyer," is a declaration I made last week. Apparently God doesn't believe in him, because He cruelly struck him down during what was promising to be the most inspirational playoff run in the history of the National Football League. And how did the Browns respond to this adversity? They dropped Brown bombs all over the Bills. These Browns are steamin' hot, but will they be able to stay afloat this week against the Lions? I say yes, they look like they eat plenty of fiber.

Browns 24-21

Oakland @ Kansas City

If I told you before the season that the Chiefs would be 5-0 at this point, what would you have said? Probably something really hilarious but like really intelligent at the same time, because you're so funny and smart. Aaargh, ok, I'm going to stop gushing before I embarrass myself. But seriously, I think you're really great, and I'm really excited to get to know you better before the season ends; but only if you want, I mean if not, that's totally cool, but as for me, I don't have a ton of plans yet, so I'd be down to hang out sometime soon.

Chiefs 24-16

Carolina @ Minnesota

Last week featured a number of intriguing match-ups at 10am, whereas this week there are very few. You could say that we went from feast to ... well, not as much food, like a starved situation, or at best a light snack. Case in point is this stinker of a match-up that Josh Freeman will get the pleasure of watching from the Vikings sideline. While Minnesota could clearly use some help at quarterback they've actually managed to put up a stunningly high 28.8 points per game so far. However, they've yet to play a defense as good as the Panthers', and I've got a feeling that Carolina will get the road victory.

Panthers 22-19

Pittsburgh @ New York Jets

Geno Smith unfurled a magical performance in a Monday night win over Atlanta. Of course, magic and/or witchcraft on the field is strictly prohibited by league rules. It appears that the NFL has decided to cut the rookie some slack though and let the victory stand, but just this once. The Jets shouldn't need anything supernatural this week against the Steelers. New York's D is 2nd against the run, while Pittsburgh is 2nd to last in rushing. This promises to result in Roethlisberger being forced into a lot of passing situations against aggressive pressure. Ben's good at applying aggressive pressure, not receiving it.

Jets 23-17

Philadelphia @ Tampa Bay

Lost in their 0-4 start is the fact that the Bucs ... umm, uh oh, I forgot what I was going to say. Jeez, talk about irony, right guys? I mean, was saying that a fact was lost, and then I lost that very fact myself. Wow, that is just too funny. Sometimes I really crack myself up gang. I think what I was going to say had something to do with the fact that despite being winless Tampa is giving up a respectable 17.5 points per game. Of course, the problem is they're only putting up 11. And this guy is their starting quarterback.

Eagles 25-22

Green Bay @ Baltimore

The game of the morning is this one; in other words, this is the game of the morning. The match-up between the Packers' high-powered offense and the Ravens' re-tooled defense will be one to watch, while FlacMan goes against the Green Bay D, hoping not to botch (another game). The Packers have lost their first two road games, and it doesn't get much easier in Baltimore, where the Ravens rarely lose. But I think Rodgers has a big game and gets the mild upset.

Packers 31-26

St. Louis @ Houston

Watching Matt Schaub has become like watching a guy punch himself in the face. At first it's really entertaining and hilarious, but then when he keeps doing it longer than he should it just gets uncomfortable until finally everyone is crying and begging him to stop. A home loss to the Rams could very well signal T.J. Yates' return as the Texans' QB1. However, if you go back and re-read that last sentence you'll notice that I said 'Rams,' so that loss is probably out of the question.

Texans 27-12

Sunday Afternoon

Tennessee @ Seattle

Something happened last week that we're not going to talk about, but suffice it to say the Hawks should come out angry in this one. Anger is a rare emotional state for a group that spends this much time meditating, but I think it will work out well. Nothing ever goes wrong when blind rage is the motivation.

Seahawks 27-9

Jacksonville @ Denver

This one has the potential to get uglier than the Bucs starting QB. The Broncos have put up over 50 in each of their last two games. The Jags have scored 51 points on the season. Peyton Manning has thrown for 20 touchdowns so far, the Jags have 5 ... total. My guess is that Denver will step off the gas at some point, but not before running over Jacksonville a few times, then stopping and spinning their tires on the Jags carcasses and following it up with a few badass donuts.

Broncos 49-14

Arizona @ San Francisco

The 49ers signed John Skelton last week in an obvious case of subterfuge. San Francisco was clearly looking ahead to this game and interested in any possible advantage they could get over the Cardinals by signing their former quarterback. At least that's the only reason to sign John Skelton that I could come up with. These teams actually have identical 3-2 records, and they both wear red. So they may be more evenly matched than you'd think. Still, I'll go with the home team.

49ers 31-16

New Orleans @ New England

Some folks out there might tell you that this is a Super Bowl preview. Those same folks might tell you other things, like smoking makes you look cool, or train dodging is totally boss. Don't listen to those low-lifes! I don't care if they're always smooching babes and wearing snug pants, they're bad influences. Thumbing your nose at authority, while wildly fun, and really the key to a fulfilling life, will get you nowhere. In a match-up of future hall of fame QBs against improved defenses I'll predict that the Saints lose their first game of the year.

Patriots 24-23

Sunday Night

Washington @ Dallas

The Cowboys put up a valiant effort in their 51-48 loss to the Broncos last week. But you know the old saying: valiant efforts only count in old shoes and oral sex. It might sound crass, but that's just the fact. And it's a shame too, because the brunt of the blame seems to be heaped onto Tony Romo's shoulders. That's simply not fair. Just because he never wins close, important games doesn't mean it's always his fault. Luckily for Dallas, this game isn't important, and it probably won't be too close.

Cowboys 34-24

Monday Night

Indianapolis @ San Diego

Colts coach Chuck Pagano was caught on camera whistling (with fingers in mouth) as Steven Hauschka attempted a field goal in their game against the Seahawks. What a lame-o. I've seen coaches encourage the crowd to get louder by waving their arms in the air, and I have no problem with that. But actually making noise yourself? You're an NFL coach, right? Ok, so stop acting like an amateur. As a result, I'm picking San Diego, which means I'm rooting for Philip Rivers ... aww, rats.

Chargers 30-27