NFL Picks - Week 17
Carolina @ Atlanta
Now that Carolina's locked up the #1 pick in the draft they can give this game their full effort. Unfortunately, they've actually been giving their full effort all year, so don't expect much in this contest.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
My Wacky Pick of the Week? Blood ... blood everywhere!
Minnesota @ Detroit
On Wednesday one of my co-workers said, "So do you think Favre's gonna start?" Is that really still a topic of conversation? Who gives a shit? The only Favre-related news that I care about is that he got a slap on the wrist for sending dick pics. Well, look out ladies! It took ol' Brett 4 years to figure out how to send dick pics, and now that he knows he can get away with it he'll probably just send out a few blast texts a week.
Oakland @ Kansas City
The Chiefs can lock up the 3 seed with a win, meanwhile, the Raiders can finish 6-0 in their division if they come out on top. I've heard the argument that Oakland would win the NFC West if they played in it, that argument is stupid. They've gone 5-0 in the AFC West, how could they have done any better against the NFC West? It's not their division that's stopping them it's the rest of the league. (To be fair I haven't heard this argument in weeks, but it seems even dumber now, so why not dust it off.)
Miami @ New England
It's been a great run Dolphins and what better way to close it out than beating the best team in the NFL, on the road of course. Seeing as how the Pats have already locked up the #1 seed in the AFC, Miami will most likely get the W, making them 7-1 on the road and 1-7 at home. It's rare that season ticket holders would be justified in asking for their money back after an 8-8 season, but that's the case here.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans
A lot of playoff implications in this one, all of which will be rendered moot once the Falcons easily beat the Panthers and the Packers cruise past a Bears team with nothing to play for. So suck it Tampa. Congrats on the big win last week, but guess who still controls their own destiny? Chazz Whitehurst and the Seahawks, that's who!
Buffalo @ New York Jets
The whole Rex Ryan foot-fetish thing seems to have blown over. Or maybe it hasn't, but I ran out of ways to fit 'foot' into my pick. Don't worry the Jets are going to the playoffs so I'll have at least another week to think of some good zingers.
Cincinnati @ Baltimore
If the Ravens win and the Steelers lose Baltimore will get the 2 seed and a first round bye. If that doesn't happen they'll most likely have to play at Indianapolis next week, which means they'll have a first round bye bye. I'm sorry, I had to do it, when a joke like that is sitting there you can't pass up the opportunity. Heck, I don't even think the Colts would win that game, but like I said, I couldn't help myself.
Jacksonville @ Houston
Well Jags, I held up my end of the bargain. I acted like a total asshole all season, waiting for you to rise up and prove me wrong. You didn't. Instead you lost at home to the Redskins and cemented the fact that you won't be making the playoffs. I'm sorry I couldn't help you ... I'm sorry we couldn't help each other (I realize that they're not mathematically eliminated but c'mon, Trent Edwards is starting). As for the Texans, what a bunch of spineless dick-lickers! (Already getting started on next year's project)
New York Giants @ Washington
The Giants went from being on the verge of 10-4 to 9-6 and most likely missing the playoffs quicker than a cross country flight. Look, you might think that analogy sounds lame but it's just true, all in all it took them about 4.5 hours, and most cross country flights are gonna take at least that long, unless you're on the Concord of course, but I'm pretty sure that thing ceased operations years ago, and even when it was up and running I think it was only used for transatlantic flights. Hopefully this has put the Giants collapse into proper context for you.
Dallas @ Philadelphia
The Eagles locked themselves into the 3 seed with their loss last week, meaning that if they win next week they'll be playing at Chicago in round 2. I'm starting to think Vick an Co. lost on purpose because that seems like a classic round 2 road victory scenario. Maybe that's because Chicago has lost in the 2nd round the last two times they've had the 2nd seed (deuces wild anyone?), including once against the Eagles in 2001-02.
Arizona @ San Francisco
So he's gone. They finally put him out of his misery. Maybe it was the untimely timeouts, or maybe the sideline shouting matches with quarterbacks, or maybe the locker room de-robing, or maybe the only rudimentary understanding of how anything other than linebacking worked. Whatever the nail in the coffin was I know one thing, I'll miss you Mike Singletary, you always made it easy to root for the other team.
Chicago @ Green Bay
As I've already touched on, the Bears will be locked into the 2 seed at this point and have nothing to play for while the Packers need a win to get in. Packers in a squash.
Tennessee @ Indianapolis
Luckily for the Colts, Kansas City is playing earlier in the day which will afford Indy the luxury of being able to sit all their players if KC gets a win. And we all know there's nothing the Colts love more than sitting all their players. Oh wait, I forgot about the Jags, which was, not surprisingly, very easy to do.
San Diego @ Denver
For once the Chargers' slow start has come back to bite them, and it will probably cost Norv Turner his job. To quote BASEketball: It looks like time finally ran out on the old cocksucker.
St. Louis @ Seattle
Finally NBC has come to their senses and flexed in the game that America really wants to see. Pete Carroll has said that Hasselbeck starting would be "against the odds," you know what else would be against the odds? A 6-9 team having a shot at the playoffs. So obviously, we can throw odds out the window here, just don't ask Chuck Whitehurst to throw those odds, because he'd probably miss the window. If Whitehurst does start it might be time to finally try having Leon Washington line up 30 yards behind the line of scrimmage, throwing the ball back to him and letting him treat it like a kick return. Is that insane? Insane like a fox ... a crazy fox. Normally I might make two picks based on whether or not Hasselbeck plays, but why bother? The result's the same either way.
A tradition unlike any other...
Let's take a quick look back at this storied tradition:
Sure... last year we kind of dropped the ball on the results (wanamaker lost like 4 pounds and won), but they year before that, there were some serious results!!!
Anyway, you know the drill. Jan. 1st through March Madness. Whoever loses the most weight wins.
Submit your before picture to us prior to the 1st. Remember ladies, you're invited to! And you don't have to pose topless like the beefcakes.
Who's excited? I am!
NFL Picks - Week 16
Dallas @ Arizona
The cable companies will point to this game when they explain why they don't need NFL Network. After having to play on Christmas, hearing more Cowboys fans than Cardinals fans in his home stadium and inevitably having multiple balls sail over his head I'm guessing that Larry Fitzgerald will snap and start beating the hell out of everyone on his sideline.
Washington @ Jacksonville
Mark Brunell has publicly stated that whichever of these teams wins this game will be the team whose jersey he'll have on his Hall of Fame bust. It seems that nobody told him that not only do NFL Hall of Fame busts have no logos, but that he also isn't going to make the Hall of Fame. As for this game, the Jags will probably win but it won't matter because these sucks blew it last week. It's over ya buttholes!
Detroit @ Miami
I now feel like an idiot for not betting on the Dolphins all year seeing as how I was on to them since Week 4. Now I feel like they're just trying to prove me right ... and I love it! To make matters worse, the road warrior Lions are coming to town.
San Francisco @ St. Louis
As a Hawks fan I actually have to root for the Rams in this game, or better yet a tie. While we're on the subject, am I the only one that secretly roots for a tie when a game goes into overtime? Normally I can't explain why, at least this time I'll have an excuse.
Tennessee @ Kansas City
The Chiefs are trying to close out the season with consecutive wins to be AFC West champions. As an inspiration tactic Todd Haley wanted to show his team How the West Was Won, the classic western movie, however, he accidentally rented How the West Was Fun the Olsen twins movie. Turns out the team loved it anyway, and it did inspire them to be more precocious. So expect some trick plays from KC.
New York Jets @ Chicago
This should be one heck of a FOOTball game. It promises to be pretty close, it could be decided by a yard or even a FOOT; who knows, it might come down to one of the kicker's TOES. On paper these two FOOTball teams seem to be evenly matched. They've played well most weeks, but at times they can't put one FOOT in front of the other ... the other FOOT that is. I'm going to pick the Jets to win on the road, which is no small FEET, whoops that's supposed to be spelled feat. (NOTE: If your name isn't Rex Ryan then you don't have a boner right now.)
New England @ Buffalo
The Patriots may be the best team in the league, but how did they give up 27 points to a Packers team without Aaron Rodgers? No seriously, how did it happen? I fell asleep for most of it. In all fairness though, I was only power-napping so I could go slam brews with Bateman later. The Bills will also not have Aaron Rodgers this Sunday, which could present problems for New England. Then again it might not, like I said I didn't pay much attention last week.
Baltimore @ Cleveland
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that LeBron James will show up to this game wearing a Ravens jersey to establish himself as a lover of all traitors. To make matters worse he'll sit in his luxury box and smash a bunch of Drew Carey Show DVDs throughout the game. This guy is one sick bastard.
Houston @ Denver
Gary Kubiak returns to face his former team. You want drama? You got it you son of a bitch! Look, I'm sorry I got so upset but talking about Kubs gets me so damn emotional I just can't control myself sometimes.
San Diego @ Cincinnati
What can you say about a game like this? Not much. I'll take the Chargers.
Indianapolis @ Oakland
The Raiders are 7-2 against the AFC/NFC Wests and 0-5 against everybody else. That translates into a loss in this one.
New York Giants @ Green Bay
The Giant's collapse against the Eagles last week reminded me of a Madden game where the computer is playing way too well so you switch the difficulty level from All-Pro to Easy. I'm pretty sure Andy Reid switched it to easy midway through the 4th. They better hope that they were set back to All-Pro this week, because a loss will severely hurt their playoff hopes.
Seattle @ Tampa Bay
The Hawks caught a huge break when this game was moved to 1. However, they've caught a bad break over the last couple months with their terrible play. If Detroit can win in Tampa then literally anyone else can, even the Hawks ... right?
Minnesota @ Philadelphia
Well, Favre nearly got killed again on Monday night, but apparently he might start again this weekend. This guy just won't die, he's like John McClane, except not charming, and he's really hard to root for, and instead of trying to save his estranged wife he sends out dick pics. Other than that though, they're basically the same guy.
New Orleans @ Atlanta
The Falcons can win the NFC South with a win, or they can just wait and beat the Panthers at home next week. If I were Mike Smith I'd just kneel on the ball every play and not show the Saints anything they might be able to use in the playoffs, because this is a possible playoff preview after all.
NFL Picks Week 16 - Thursday
If a scientist builds a time machine the NFL Network will probably be one of the first groups to reserve an appointment with it after selecting some awful games to show on their channel this season. Clearly the only way to avoid this next season would be a time machine.
NFL Picks - Week 15
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
The Battle of Ohio Part II - The most unwanted sequel since Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. If Delhomme is still starting this one's a toss-up, as in the ball will be repeatedly tossed up for grabs by both quarterbacks.
Washington @ Dallas
One team's an underachiever whose veteran coach and zany owner only aided in their poor performance this season. The other is the same exact thing.
Houston @ Tennessee
Just when you think Houston has had its most heartbreaking loss of the season they top themselves. It's possible that their games are being fixed by Steve Sabol in an effort to create a super entertaining NFL Yearbook. If that's the case it only stands to reason that Sabes won't stop pulling the strings now.
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
I'm so glad that the Jags have hung around this long, now it will only be sweeter when the Colts crush their souls with a good ol' fashioned Manning Stomp. I'm thinking 400+ yards 4 TDs and 3 babes made out with during halftime.
Kansas City @ St. Louis
Three weeks ago Matt Cassel torched the Seahawks, he owes it to us to play in this game and play well. If he doesn't he's my new least favorite player in the league, right behind Hines Ward. (I had to think for a while who my least favorite player in the league was, but I think it's him. Please post your own in the comments section.)
Buffalo @ Miami
The Dolphins really came through for me last week with yet another road win. And now it's time for them to come through again with a home loss. Much like it was asking a lot for them to beat the Jets last week, it's going to take a big effort for them to lose to the Bills. But at this point it's unavoidable, they have to lose.
Detroit @ Tampa Bay
Time for my Wacky Pick of the Week: Sensing that the Lions really need this game and that now is the perfect time, Barry Sanders will come out of retirement for one game only. His final stats will be 7 CAR 16 YDS. Did you really expect the guy to do that well, he's like 45 now.
Arizona @ Carolina
Good for Jay Feeley, he finally has a comeback for anybody who brings up the Hawks game from '05, "Oh yeah, did you see that game when I scored 25 points?" Of course, the person will answer no because nobody watched the Cardinals-Broncos game last week, but that's not the point. What will Feeley do for an encore? My guess is miss a potential game winner.
New Orleans @ Baltimore
I'm guessing that while Matt Schaub was throwing all over the Ravens D in the 4th quarter on Monday Night Drew Brees was laughing his ass off. It had nothing to do with the game, Brees was watching a Seinfeld re-run. Be that as it may, the Ravens better get it together before the Saints show up on Sunday.
Philadelphia @ New York Giants
The biggest NFC East game of the year and it's airing at 10am? Every other week the NFC East has had one of the night games and now this? I'm not saying I want another East game during primetime but this just seems insulting. It's like living in 1984 and Big Brother says "Ya know what 2+2 actually equals 4," but by that point you're like, "No, fuck you it's 5, you can't take it back now." (Or it might be nothing like that, I don't know)
Atlanta @ Seattle
I've said it before but last week hammered it home even further, when the Hawks lose they really shit the bed. So either they'll lose this game by at least 3 scores or they'll win.
New York Jets @ Pittsburgh
In the Jets losses they've scored 9, 0, 3, & 6. I'm taking this into account, from now on if I pick them to lose I won't give them any more than 9 points. But, as it turns out Polamalu's not playing, so I have to go with New York.
Denver @ Oakland
There's no reason for anyone to watch this game, even if you're a Raiders fan and especially if you're a Broncos fan.
Green Bay @ New England
Mike McCarthy has said that he won't know whether or not Aaron Rodgers is going to play until Saturday, well that doesn't really help me does it!? I have no choice but to post two scores, the first one will apply if Rodgers plays, the second if he doesn't. Actually, posting two scores for every game isn't a bad idea, I'll probably start doing this for every game.
w/Rodgers: Patriots 31-20 w/o Rodgers: Patriots 38-7
Chicago @ Minnesota
Anybody catch that footage of the MetroDome collapsing? Crazy huh? To be fair, I don't blame Fox and ESPN for playing that clip every 10 minutes, it's one of the cooler things I've ever seen (this is #1). I'm sure both of these teams would rather be playing indoors, especially Chicago who made it clear last week that they refuse to play in the snow. Considering the Vikings have nothing at QB I'm forced to take Chicago.
NFL Picks Week 15 - Thursday
San Francisco @ San Diego
The short week should benefit Singletary in this one because Norv Turner will only have four days to prepare while Singletary will follow his normal routine and not prepare at all. However, I don't think the coaching advantage will be enough to get the Niners over the hump.
Seahawks vs 49ers
NFL Picks - Week 14
Cleveland @ Buffalo
These two teams seem to have been in an inordinate amount of exciting games this season considering how bad they are. So this game figures to be pretty interesting doesn't it? No! Sometimes two rights make a wrong, and three rights make a left.
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
Last week the Bengals fell for the oldest trick in the book, but they shouldn't feel so bad about it. I mean, if it's the oldest trick in the book it's got to be pretty good right? Otherwise they would have taken it out of the book. For instance, one of the next oldest tricks in the book is "Steal someone's wallet," which still works today. But seriously, these dipshit morons don't deserve to win.
Green Bay @ Detroit
Wacky Pick of the Week: Aaron Rodgers throws for over 500 yards ... on the first drive!
New York Giants @ Minnesota
For all my Favre hatred over the years I really should have enjoyed seeing him get obliterated last week more than I did, in actuality it was just kind of sad. I mean, here's a guy at the end of his rope just trying to gut it out like he's done his whole career, you have to respect ..... alright never mind I just watched the clip again and it's hilarious. He's all, "Let me just throw it here, ok, here I go AHHHHHH!" He actually seemed like he almost exploded right there on the field, and isn't that how we all expect it to end at this point? Favre literally exploding (or imploding) after a big hit and then Chris Berman making it his #1 play that week and saying, "What a way to go," no "Bye bye Miss American Pie," no "You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave." Yep that's exactly what will happen.
Tampa Bay @ Washington
So the Redskins basically suspended Albert Haynesworth for being an asshole. Also because he kept making this face. Hey Albert, are you angry or something? We couldn't tell from your frowny face. Washington shouldn't be too surprised that Haynesworth ended up being a jerk though, I mean he did step on a guy's neck during a game.
Atlanta @ Carolina
The team with the best record in the league takes on the team with the worst record in the league. Now, conventional wisdom would tell you that this game would be a blowout; well, I for one am a big believer in conventional wisdom. Falcons in a blowout!
Oakland @ Jacksonville
This sound-bite sums up how I feel about the Jags' winning four of their last five. They're still shitty. Just the thought of picking these trash-eating stinkbags makes me sick.
Seattle @ San Francisco
When Mike Singletary announced that Alex Smith was going to be the starting quarterback this week I reacted a lot like the kid at the end of this clip (:28).
Miami @ New York Jets
This week the Dolphins travel to New ... wait, I don't even have to finish that statement, the very fact that the Dolphins are traveling anywhere means that they'll win.
Denver @ Arizona
It seemed like the Cardinals really had a chance to win this week until Denver fired their coach. If we've learned anything this year it's that if you fire your coach you will win the following game (we've also learned that the Dolphins hate playing in front of the lame-o's at LifeShark Stadium, but I already went over that).
Kansas City @ San Diego
The Chiefs have taken a stranglehold on the AFC West. Will they let go? No, absolutely not, the Kansas City Chiefs are cold-blooded killers that want to watch the life drain out of the AFC West's eyes, the sick bastards. But they'll probably lose this week.
New England @ Chicago
Three words: Possible playoff preview. Whoops, I guess that means it would have to be in the Super Bowl. Look, I'll be honest, if I see two teams with good records playing each other and I don't know what to write I just say "possible playoff preview." I'm a fraud. I promise not to stoop to this level again, I only hope that you can forgive me.
St. Louis @ New Orleans
If the playoffs started today these teams would meet in the first round.
Philadelphia @ Dallas
Not a possible playoff preview here, yet it wasn't flexed out of the Sunday Night slot. Although when you look at the rest of the schedule the only other possibility is KC @ San Diego, and I'm sure NBC doesn't want that aforementioned snuff film on their hands.
Baltimore @ Houston
Why in the world would ESPN schedule the Texans in a Monday Night game this late in the season? They never end up being good. Wouldn't putting them on earlier in the season when they're surrounded by hype be a better idea? Wait a minute, the Texans are only two games out of first in the AFC South, and the Ravens are in line for a Wild Card, you know what that means ...
Miguel Olivo is a Mariner!
Week 14 - Thursday Night
Well Manning sucks. It's a shame, that guy had potential. 11 picks in the last three games? Yikes! Maybe Leaf was the better pick, it's at least up for debate at this point. That said, the Colts can probably get by the Titans, who have scored 6 points over the last two weeks. That's especially terrible when you consider that the teams they played are 25th & 27th in scoring defense.
NFL Picks Week 13
New Orleans @ Cincinnati
The only way this one will be entertaining is if Terrell Owens tries to switch teams during the game, and I can actually see him trying it. Like he just shows up in the Saints huddle laughing, "Hahaha, but seriously Drew what's the play man?" And all the Saints just stare at him until he puts his head down and walks out of the stadium never to be heard from again. So anyway, that will probably happen, and the Saints will get the win.
Chicago @ Detroit
We all know what happened with Calvin Johnson's catch that wasn't last time these teams met, I don't think he's going to have that problem again. In fact, my Wacky Pick of the Week says that once Johnson catches his first pass he'll refuse to let the ball go for the rest of the game, which will result in some sort of All-time QB situation. I suppose it would become quite obvious after a while that he wasn't going to pass, and I'm not really sure how the snaps would work, but hey that's why it's wacky, I'll leave it to them to figure out the logistics.
San Francisco @ Green Bay
All season the Niners have moved the ball up and down the field slower than an old man, so it's fitting that their best player would break his hip. But hey, San Fran has won 3 out of 4 ... over the Broncos, Rams and Cardinals. Something tells me it won't be as easy against the Packers.
Jacksonville @ Tennessee
You're pathetic Jaguars. You had the lead last week and you couldn't close the deal. I can't wait until they move your sad sack franchise to L.A. so I can personally spit in your face.
Denver @ Kansas City
It's the Finger Bowl! Of course, I'm referring to the incident in which Todd Haley waved his finger at Josh McDaniels after the Chiefs' Week 10 loss to the Broncos. I'm not referring to the football themed porn of the same name starring Sack Phillips. The Chiefs have one of the better offenses in league history right? Seemed like it last week. I have to factor that in to my pick.
Cleveland @ Miami
Congrats Dolphins, your win last week means that I can still pick you, not this week of course, I mean you're playing at home.
Buffalo @ Minnesota
It's this type of game and this type of situation that Brett Favre had in mind when he decided to come back this year. Oh, sorry, I meant it was this type of situation that I dreamed of when Favre decided to come back.
Washington @ New York Giants
What's the verdict on the yellow pants the Redskins have been wearing this season? I thought they were ok at first, if not a little charming, but I didn't realize they were actually going to be around all season and now I think they're pretty disgusting. They're like the Andy Foy of pants. Anyway, Giants win!
Oakland @ San Diego
This game features one team on the rise and another on the decline, this is like the Hollywood Homicide of football games. Never mind, as it turns out Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett were both on their declines at that point. (Gotcha Hartnett!) Is there any doubt now that the Chargers will win out and suffer a disappointing home loss in the postseason? I think not.
Carolina @ Seattle
I don't have much to say about this game, so let's take a look back at what happened the last time the Panthers came to Qwest Field.
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
Now would be a good time for the Buccaneers to prove themselves and I think they will. They'll prove that they aren't quite good enough when they lose and seriously hamper their playoff aspirations.
St. Louis @ Arizona
The Cardinals probably should have tried to get their Monday night game rescheduled so that the entire nation didn't have to see them, like an ugly girl who doesn't even bother going to the dance. I'm guessing that Derek Anderson was actually laughing out of disbelief that a team is still allowing him to be their starter.
Dallas @ Indianapolis
Peyton Manning's 4 interception performance last week really let me down. Though, it didn't stop me from beating Bobby Bateman in Fantasy, in fact, I did the math and Manning could have thrown 20 more picks and I still would have won. But that's not the point, come to think of it I've forgotten what my original point was. Maybe it was that when Manning looks bad he looks BAD. Man, this guy doesn't do anything half way huh?
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
Possible playoff preview here.
New York Jets @ New England
This is being billed as the game of the year in the NFL, which is only the sixth time that's been said this season. I'm not so sure though, my money's on the Super Bowl being the game of the year when all's said and done.
Week 13 - Thursday
Michael Vick's got to be a little annoyed that Andre Johnson is allowed to play in this game. I mean Johnson fought a human and no one could care less. Fortunately for Johnson it's become clear that everyone, including Roger Goodell, hates Cortland Finnegan, so he's been given a free pass.
Everyone a little shy? Ok I'll get us started...
I hate 'em. The Huskies. I REALLY hate Jack-Huskies ... but that's not what I want to rant about.
Lately I've found a NEW annoying Husky-fan trend. I tell them I hate the Huskies and never root for them... they look mortified and they say "But I root for the Cougars, when they aren't playing the Huskies!?!?".
It's infuriating for a number of reasons, but here are a few thoughts:
A) You're probably a liar. You don't root for the Cougs at all. You just think it makes you sound like a cooler person. It doesn't. Or maybe you're just lying to yourself. 'Cuz if you really root for the Cougs when they aren't playing the Huskies, you're a LAME fan. We're your rival.
Side-note: Let me squash an argument against this right now... Husky Fan: "We care more about beating Oregon. THEY'RE our big rival." Sounds like a delusional Mariners fan from back in the day. We thought the Yankees were our rival. But if you told a Yankee fan that, they'd just laugh in your face. Probably like an Oregon fan would. In fact the similarities are pretty hilarious cuz Husky fans hate the advantages that Oregon has in recruiting just like the Mariner fans hate how the Yankees can spend more money. Problem is the Huskies have a huge advantage in recruiting over most schools just like the M's spend more than most teams. Anyway.. Go Mariners... See ya Jose Lopez...
Where were we?
B) Nobody asked you to root for the Cougs, and quite frankly we don't want ya! We don't need your condescending cheers. The, oh look the little Cougars won, good for them cheers!!! SHOVE IT you pompous d-bags! (this next part is on me cuz I choose to live in Seattle, but TOO BAD) I've got to listen to months and months of how great Jake Locker is (PS what recent QB in the Husky "legacy" wouldn't you take over him? Stanback? Everyone else demolishes him), how great this Husky team is going to be, etc. UGH.
So in closing you magnanimous Husky fans... frack off. Don't root for us. You haven't earned it.
Frack the Huskies.
We're gonna roll you.
(lots of generalizations in here... I'll give a pass to my immediate family, and maybe a few others.)
NFL Picks Week 12 - Sunday & (Barely) Monday
Green Bay @ Atlanta
This one could be a playoff preview. Then again there's a good possibility that it won't be. In fact, I wish I could do an audit of every time someone said, "This could be a playoff preview," I'd be willing to bet that as a society we've been right about 7% of the time. As for this game, apparently Matt Ryan doesn't lose in the Georgia Dome, so I'm leaning towards Atlanta. If you'll remember, a few weeks back I questioned Matt Ryan's superstar status; well, win this game and you've done it Matt, you've proven me wrong ... which was my goal all along (you guys should see the smirk on my face right now, it's really insufferable).
Pittsburgh @ Buffalo
Looks like it's time for my Wacky Pick of the Week. And here it is ...
Carolina @ Cleveland
Jake Delhomme is starting for the Browns, making it a shame that this game isn't being played in Carolina. If it was, and someone ran on the field I'm betting that security would leave him alone if he made it clear he was gunning for Delhomme.
Jacksonville @ New York Giants
These Jags just keep finding ways to win, and it's pissing me off. I've proclaimed for the last two seasons that they suck, and now they're 6-4. Well the jig is up, this is the week they go down, this is the week they die! (I'm trying to establish a dynamic in which I'm a villain and the Jags are a scrappy hero that just won't be defeated. We'll see if they cooperate.)
Minnesota @ Washington
If you like juicy story lines this is the game for you I'm not sure if this game should be announced by Joe Buck or Jerry Springer! I mean am I right? C'mon! But seriously folks, if we've learned anything from the Cowboys it's that when a team fires their dead-man-walking coach they'll come out with energy the next week.
Tennessee @ Houston
This week in SI's Fantasy Football section, they tabbed Randy Moss as a player whose stock was falling. What!? They're just realizing that? I haven't played this guy for the last 3 weeks. Ten days ago I was at the grocery store and overheard a 6 year-old telling her mom to, "Avoid Moss like the plague." But thanks for the advice SI, by the way, what should I do with J.J. Stokes? As for Houston, are they trying to get their fans to commit suicide? I'm pretty sure they can only go up from here.
Kansas City @ Seattle
Say what you will about the Hawks' loss in New Orleans, but they actually scored 19 points, which is their high for a loss this season. Unfortunately, they bounced off of Chris Ivory like Tecmo Super Bowl characters and wound up surrendering 34 points. But now The Hawks are back home in Seattle, where they never give up huge point totals.
Miami @ Oakland
It's time for Miami to start proving my "party animals that can only win on the road" theory again. And if they don't I'm never picking them again.
St. Louis @ Denver
The Rams are pretty bad on the road, and the Broncos are pretty bad everywhere. So who ends up being worse on Sunday? I'm going to go with the Rams. Why? Because wouldn't that just be better for everyone?
Philadelphia @ Chicago
We've got a possible playoff preview on our hands here.
Tampa Bay @ Baltimore
The upstart Bucs will really be put to the test this week. Will they pass? Yes, and I'm guessing they'll run also, probably not successfully enough to win the game though.
San Diego @ Indianapolis
Everything points to a Chargers win in this one. The Colts aren't healthy, San Diego's turning it on like they always do, and it seems like they've just had the Colts' number in the past few years. Which is why I'm going with Indy. Just when you think you've got all the answers Peyton Manning changes the question ... and then changes it a few more times at the line of scrimmage.
San Francisco @ Arizona
Oh no. When I got to the bottom of the schedule without seeing this game I just figured it had been canceled. That seemed more likely than it being a Monday Nighter. Anyway, somebody's going to win this ... probably.
Week 12 - Thanksgiving Games
New England @ Detroit
There's no better Thanksgiving tradition than waking up bleary-eyed convinced that you're still dreaming because the Lions are on TV. This year you should probably just stay asleep, seeing as how this one won't be much of a game.
New Orleans @ Dallas
I remember about 15 years ago when Troy Aikman was hurt for the Thanksgiving game and Jason Garrett had to fill in. And, if you didn't remember that, don't worry you're going to be reminded of it ceaselessly during the broadcast. And guess what, he's in a replacement role once again! He won that first game I mentioned, but now Jon Kitna's his QB, and he brings that Lions Thanksgiving stink with him.
Cincinnati @ New York Jets
In the Bengals' two games before last they made a strong comeback late but fell short. In the Jets' last three games they've come back late and won in varying degrees of miraculosity. It seems inevitable that this game will be scoreless until the 4th quarter, at which point on of the most electric back-and-forth battles in NFL history will commence. It's just too bad that most people won't see it due to turkey naps.
NFL Picks Week 11 ... The Conclusion
BUF @ CIN
If CBS just didn't send a crew out to this game would anyone notice? I doubt it, and I'm including people in Buffalo and Cincinnati.
Detroit @ Dallas
Ya know a lot's going to be made about this being the Kitna Bowl. In fact, it led Sportscenter last night. But I'm sorry, I'm just not that interested. Now, if this game were being played in Detroit where Kitna's jersey hangs in the rafters then it would be a different story.
Washington @ Tennessee
The Redskins seem to be a cohesive organization, "McNabb, you're fat, slow, and dumb ... here's $80 million." Honestly, what have they seen from McNabb this year that warrants an extension at all, let alone one for $80 million (There's little chance that he'll actually end up with the whole thing, but still.) One writer claimed that there were racial undertones to Shanahan's comments about McNabb not being able to grasp the playbook. Well guess what, McNabb does seem stupid, and it has nothing to do with the fact that he's black, the guy didn't know how overtime worked! Anyway, the Redskins suck.
Arizona @ Kansas City
Kansas City's on a two game losing streak but there's good news for Chiefs fans: the Cardinals are coming to town! I'm actually thinking about changing my name so that nobody ever confuses me for Derek Anderson.
Green Bay @ Minnesota
Anybody catch Favre's press conference after the Vikings' loss last week? It was self-indulgent, even for Favre. It's going to be great when Minnesota's 5-9 and he's still pulling this shit but nobody cares. He's going to have to take a picture of something really crazy just to stay relevant. I'm guessing taint.
Houston @ New York Jets
Mark Sanchez seems like he's really becoming a bona fide NFL quarterback, including his terrible celebration (at the :08 mark) after throwing the game-winning touchdown pass. Sweet high steps Mark, isn't this guy supposed to be cool? I'll bet chicks aren't gonna be into him anymore. As for Houston, they seem to really have trouble defending against the deep ball, so I can't in good conscience pick them.
Oakland @ Pittsburgh
Tom Brady may have uncovered the secret to beating the Steelers' defense last week, all you have to do is yell at your offense a lot and remind them to play well. Unfortunately for the Raiders, I'm not sure that Jason Campbell has that in him so they'll probably lose.
Baltimore @ Carolina
Wacky Pick of the Week time: Steve Smith will finally get his wish when it's revealed that the most brilliant scientists Charlotte has to offer have collaborated to clone a team full of Steve Smiths. The team will unravel, however, when it becomes apparent that even Steve Smith can't stand Steve Smith.
Cleveland @ Jacksonville
Is Cleveland the best team in the NFL? Not as long as the Hawks are still in the league obviously, but are they in the top 5? No, but they're pretty solid. There, I said it, these Browns are solid (a phrase I haven't been able to use since the McRib returned).
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco
After consecutive wins the Niners' season is back on track. Mike Singletary should take time out of his day to thank his lucky stars that he coaches in the NFC West. Though, he probably won't be able to because he already burned all his time outs. The bad news for San Fran is that Josh "World Beater" Freeman is coming to town, and this guy loves crushing lame-o's.
Seattle @ New Orleans
The Seahawks are flying under the radar right now, and I think they like it that way. That's the rationalization I've come to to explain their ridiculous inability to score in the red zone. See if they scored too many points they'd have a bull's eye on their chest. Luckily this game is a 1pm start time. I don't know why the Saints decided to go with the later kickoff, but someone just make a bad mistake!
Atlanta @ St. Louis
And here's game #3 in this week's NFC West/NFC South showdown. Some would say that those are the best and worst divisions in the conference, but I'm not sure, I mean the South isn't that bad. The Rams have played well at home and this has the makings of a letdown for Atlanta, who just came off a big win and have two tough games coming up.
Indianapolis @ New England
I fell asleep during this game last year, but to be fair I was tired. This year I vow to stay awake AND pay attention. It's this type of commitment that makes it possible for me to bring you this post most weeks. Anybody else think it's lame that Brady is trying to copy Whitehurst's hair?
New York Giants @ Philadelphia
It's nice to see Michael Vick be able to concentrate on football after all of those nasty dogfighting rumors. This guy has shown us what courage is all about.
Denver @ San Diego
Once again the AFC West has aligned itself for the Chargers to take over the division in the second half of the season. Why are we even surprised at this point? It happens every year. There should be a prop bet at the beginning of each season: Which will last longer? The Chargers being outside of 1st place or Alex Smith being a starting quarterback.
Felix Hernandez won the Cy Young Award for the American League
All Hail the King.
Bow Down to the King.
Long Live the King.
The One True King.
We Are Motorhead.
(Sorry, this sucks, but we all know Felix rules. I don't have much to add... but clearly the mustacheers were clamoring for a thread topic, so discuss away my loved ones)
NFL Picks Week 11
Chicago @ Miami
Apparently Chad Pennington had a bonus in his contract in which he got $200,000 for every game he started. Well, he ended up playing two downs on Sunday, so he got $100,000 per snap. It's too bad he doesn't have Cam Newton's dad as his agent because then he probably could have made $100,000-$180,000 per play. (By the way, if I can switch to college for a second, that part of the story makes no sense. Why would they ask for 100-180? "If my boy's going to play for your school I want $180,000 ... or 55% of that. Your call." I hope this guy's not a salesman, he'd make the worst haggler ever.) Last week Miami finally got off the schneid at home, why would they stop winning now? Oh right, they're starting their third-string quarterback ... hmm ... naw screw it, I'm still picking them.
Sunday Morning ....
... Will be available on Friday morning. You didn't really think I'd blow my hot post on a Wednesday night did you? I save that shit for high traffic hours.
A chat between your party hosts
Party Host 1 (from his car): Sark said on the radio today that he wouldn't be surprised to see Jake Locker have a performance similar to Vick last night within the next 8 -10 years. Yeah Fucking Right
Party Host 2 (pumping iron at the gym): This makes me feel better about the apple cup knowing sark is a moron
NFL Picks Week 10
Detroit @ Buffalo
The Bills have got to win sometime, and the Niners aren't on their schedule.
Minnesota @ Chicago
The Bears are 5-3? How is that possible? The beat the Packers on a Monday night, which is a quality win, aside from that the combined record of the teams they've beat is: 4-28. Yes, you read that right ... 4-28! In other words, the four worst teams (record-wise) in the league.
New York Jets @ Cleveland
You have to hand it to the Browns, they've had an impossible schedule and they've actually crushed a couple good teams in their last couple games, which I guess would make them the anti-Bears.
Cincinnati @ Indianapolis
Tennessee @ Miami
The Dolphins let me down on the road last week, now I don't know what to believe ... except that they'll lose at home.
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
Tampa is looking pretty solid, which I guess would mean that the Panthers are pretty liquid?
Houston @ Jacksonville
I'm not sure what to make of either team at this point.
Kansas City @ Denver
Interesting match-up here.
Dallas @ New York Giants
Whoa, these Giants are getting good.
Seattle @ Arizona
In the Hawks losses this year they've averaged 6.75 points, which means that if they score a touchdown Sunday it'll be downhill from there.
St. Louis @ San Francisco
Interesting match-up here.
New England @ Pittsburgh
In the words of Johnny Moxon: "Tell me who wins."
Philadelphia @ Washington
I'm not sure I have the mental or cardio-vascular capacity to finish this post.
RIP Dave Niehaus
A new standard
But there's a new sheriff in town...
For those of you monkeys that can't count... that's 5 McRibs. And he ate them... bones and all.
Let's follow Peter on his 5 McRib journey!
So far so good...
Still no issues... but here comes #5...
Ok... so there weren't really any issues... 5 McRibs with relative ease. So there you have it Mustacheers. 5 is the new benchmark. Can you beat it? Probably not. GFY.
NFL Picks Week 9
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
Alright Raheem Morris, 5-2, I see ya, I see ya. Seriously though, last week just reinforced my point that Tampa can play well enough to beat bad teams. Unfortunately for them, Atlanta is not a bad team.
Chicago @ Buffalo
This one is being played in Toronto which marks the second week in a row that an absolutely awful match-up has been presented on foreign soil. I saw a headline that Goodell is seriously considering international expansion, but pretty soon no one's going to be interested.
New England @ Cleveland
Remember a few years back when Bradley played Pittsburgh in the 2nd round of the NCAA tournament and the scoreboard read Brad Pitt? Well this game is kind of similar, it's going to be Pats-Browns or Pat Brown. Who's Pat Brown you ask? This guy! Who's that guy? I don't know he's the first person that pops up when you do a Google image search for Pat Brown. As for the game, while the Browns may not be too awful I don't think they'll pull this one out. However, they'll put up enough of a fight to make Pat Brown proud.
New York Jets @ Detroit
In the Jets' five wins they've averaged 30 points, while in their two losses they've averaged 4.5. I've said it before but I'll say it again, if you want to win football games in the National Football League you have to score at least 5 points. Rex & co. have decided to ignore that rule a couple of times this year and it's cost them. The Lions are coming off a win and well ... good for them, I mean it's not often you get to say that, I just thought I'd point it out.
Arizona @ Minnesota
The only thing that cheered me up while watching the Seahawks offensive line poop all over themselves last Sunday was peeking over at the Cardinals game and seeing Max Hall be Max Hall. I really like this guy because it's always satisfying to watch a guy that gives you exactly what you expect. He's like the opposite Peyton Manning. Anyway, it looks like the fun's over this week, fake me Derek Anderson has regained his spot as starter. As for Minnesota, I didn't have any volume on their game so when I saw Favre getting carted off the field while lying in a fetal position I honestly thought he was dead. Fortunately for the people of Earth, and indeed any extra-terrestrial life, Favre seems to be ok.
New Orleans @ Carolina
Until they win a game I think Carolina should be known as the Blank Panthers. They could really make this into a marketing gimmick and sell black gloves to the fans. Steve Smith could come out before every game and raise his fist to symbolize the number of wins they have. I'm not sure why they would celebrate the fact that have no wins, but it would be fun right? (NOTE: As Mustacheer "Bobby" pointed out in the comments the Panthers have actually won a game this year. Considering they beat the Niners I think we can all agree that it didn't really count.)
Miami @ Baltimore
In a world gone mad there's only one thing I can trust: The Miami Dolphins on the road. These guys just get the job done. This match-up, however, is probably their toughest test yet. Does it matter? No. Dolphins are supposedly very smart so it would stand to reason that they'd do well on tests.
San Diego @ Houston
Was last week the beginning of yet another trademark November/December run by San Diego? Let's take a closer look: last week's game was actually in October, which would mean they'd need an October/November/December run. Not only that, but the last Sunday of the season is in January, you thinking what I'm thinking? A four month run might be too much to ask.
New York Giants @ Seattle
Obviously the Seahawks' o-line had some issues last week. Luckily the Giants come to town on Sunday, and their season high for sacks in a game is only 10, so Whitehurst figures to keep a clean jersey throughout (Joke's on you. Little known fact: the Seahawks play on an artificial fieldturf meaning that even if Whitehurst does get sacked his jersey will remain relatively clean.). Still, this figures to be a tough game for the Hawks, but I've heard that Jay Feely has been tapped to raise the 12th Man flag which figures to psyche out the G-Men.
Kansas City @ Oakland
Sure the Raiders are looking pretty good right now, but I'm guessing that this week they don't get an Immaculate Reception style catch that goes for 60 yards, a touchdown on a play where two defenders collide, or a ridiculously deflected interception. Did they deserve to win anyway last week? Trick question they were playing the Hawks so the answer is invariably no. My original point was that all the bounces are going their way right now, eventually they won't. Unless they're in the midst of some sort of an Angels in the Outfield-esque run and they're actually being helped by supernatural forces, in which case all bets are off.
Indianapolis @ Philadelphia
It strikes me as a little curious that one day Dallas Clark seemed slightly dinged up and the next he was out for the season. Is it possible that Peyton Manning paid him to sit out the season to prove that he could get it done even with Jacob Tamme as the starting tight end? No. How dare you buy in to such malarkey, you sick, sick bastard. As for the game, it should be a good one.
Dallas @ Green Bay
One week too early for NBC to flex this game out, too bad. You know what the lame thing is? I'll bet that even if they had the option NBC would keep this game just because it's Dallas. Either way we're going to be stuck watching Jon Kitna do his best Max Hall impression in primetime. I peeked at Dallas's schedule for the rest of the year and I don't see them doing any better than 4-12. I don't really have anything to add, that's pretty cool though right?
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
And the week is capped off by this gem. My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Bocephus doesn't even record a song for this game. They'll cut to him at the normal time before the game and he'll say, "I'm just so tired, what's the point?" Of course, this will result in Bocephus getting fired, but he'll have made a point that hits home with much of the nation. NBC will strike while the iron is hot, hiring Bocephus to sing their opening song meaning that we'll never have to hear Faith Hill's monstrosity again.
Charlie Whitehurst is HERE TO SAVE THE SEAHAWKS SEASON!!!
The comparisons to Jesus have been made (some might say the hair and beard are the source of those comaprisons, maybe) and that got me thinking... Didn't Jesus slay a bunch of Giants one Sunday in the Bible? Well Sunday at Qwest... Life imitates art!!!!
Charlie Whitehurst is HERE TO SAVE THE SEAHAWKS SEASON!!!
I can only think of one debut that had this much anticipation. And it was this guy.
Let's hope Chaz doesn't turn the crowd on him as quickly as our friend in that link.
Charlie Whitehurst is HERE TO SAVE THE SEAHAWKS SEASON!!!
NFL Picks Week 8
Washington @ Detroit
I was forced to start Donovan McNabb in a fantasy league last week. I knew it was a mistake, I just didn't have a choice. It was like drinking a warm Pabst Genuine Draft because all the stores are closed and you can't buy anymore beer (feel free to swap out PGD for your disgusting beer of choice ... or PineSol). So yeah, Donovan McNabb is like gross, warm beer; alright, the post is off to a good start this week.
Jacksonville @ Dallas
If either of these teams were playing anyone else I would pick the other team. As I've said time and again Jacksonville is lousy. As for Dallas, Jon Kitna's display on Monday Night almost overshadowed Max Hall's. Of course, that's like saying that that trash almost tasted worse than that barf; bottom line, you don't want to eat either. If the Cowboys hadn't fully checked out by last week, they certainly have now.
Miami @ Cincinnati
There's no doubt in my mind that Miami will win this game, all the signs are pointing to it. The Dolphins are now 3-0 on the road and 0-3 at home, and while Cincinnati may be the most exciting place they've played so far I think they'll have no problem taking care of the Bengals.
Buffalo @ Kansas City
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Ryan Fitzpatrick will throw for over 300 yards in this game. Just kidding, there's nothing wacky about that, homeboy is slangin' it something fierce. My real Wacky Pick is that these two teams combine for over 90 points. Don't think it can happen? Well that's why it's wacky asshole.
Carolina @ St. Louis
If you would have told me before the season that this game would be for the best record in the NFC I would have told you that you were crazy; and it turns out I would have been right, neither of these teams are even above .500. Be that as it may St. Louis has been pretty good at home and Carolina has been pretty bad against all teams not coached by Mike Singletary.
Denver @ San Francisco
Sorry London! I love it when they show the fans during these England games and a lot of them have actually bought the teams' jerseys. I have to think that this is going to account for about 50% of Kyle Orton jersey sales this season. I really can't think of a worse match-up for the English to be subjected to. The Broncos' season is in a downward spiral after giving up 59 points at home to the Raiders, and then there's the 49ers ...
Green Bay @ New York Jets
Both of these teams are coming off wins against their former mate Brett Favre, which makes me think they're kind of followers. Everybody's beating Brett Favre these days, including Brett's own right hand (Oooh, am I talking about him throwing picks or masturbating?). Enough is enough, I'm personally not going to make fun of Favre anymore, and I think it's time for these teams to branch out on their own as well. Although, It'll be pretty tough because these lame-o's all do what their coaches tell them to. The Packers are still banged up so I'll go with the fatter coach's team.
Minnesota @ New England
Favre sure does like to limp. Look, I'm not saying he's playing up the injury just because he realizes he made a mistake coming back and now he wants out ... ok, maybe that is what I'm saying. And if the injury isn't going to do the trick than maybe his play will. That interception he threw in the 3rd quarter was one of the sadder things I've ever seen (This is the saddest) I didn't know whether to laugh really hard, or just laugh normally. Anyway, Favre says he's going to "give it a try" this weekend, but at this point that probably makes it even more likely that they'll lose.
Tennessee @ San Diego
The Chargers almost completed a great comeback last week, unfortunately it came down to big field goal and it was San Diego, so they fell short. When he was lining it up I said to Mustacheer Andy, "It's a big kick and it's Kaeding, he'll miss." Turns out Kaeding was hurt and it was actually Kris Brown, but I guess just being a Chargers kicker is enough to make anyone botch important field goals. It's kind of like Mariners left-fielders in the 90s, it doesn't matter who you throw in there, it's just not going to work out. So I'm going with San Diego.
Tampa Bay @ Arizona
Raheem Morris thinks the Bucs are the best team in the NFC. I'm not joking he actually said this. Granted the NFC doesn't look too great this year, but come on. Their wins are against the Browns, Panthers, Bengals and Rams. The only team they beat by more than 3 is the Panthers. Their losses are against the Steelers and Saints, and they dropped each of those games by 25 points. It's clear that the Bucs can be a competitive team, when they're not playing anybody good. Honestly, Morris' statement is so ludicrous that it actually bumped all the great Max Hall material I had for this game. Ok, I'll fit in one: It looks like Alex Smith's got some competition for the NFC West's Most Incompetent Miniature-Handed Quarterback.
Seattle @ Oakland
Last Sunday's Hawks game was quite the tease. Every time they got into the red zone they would get stopped before scoring big, I wouldn't be surprised if they practiced with blue balls this week. But hey, a win is a win, if it's by 12 or 45, which means the Raiders got nothing on us.
Pittsburgh @ New Orleans
Nice to see that the Steelers are still dirty rotten cheaters after another blown call goes their way. Finn already made the jokes about Big Ben and "getting it in" so clearly another Roethlisberger rapist joke would be in poor taste, plus I can't think of another good one right now. As for New Orleans, I'm not sure what to make of their horrible home loss to Cleveland. I mean I haven't seen Browns explode like that since I got food poisoning from Del Taco a couple years back. Maybe Bush really was the X-factor that made them go, I know that's true for Roethlisberger (Yes! Just in time.)
Houston @ Indianapolis
Both teams are coming off a bye week. This got me wondering, what do you think Peyton Manning does on his bye week? I'll bet he just goes out back and throws footballs against the house really hard from like 10 feet away. It's that type of dedication that allows him to prevail in tough games such as this one.
IN THE NFC MUTHA TRUCKAS!!!!
Bring that shit to Qwest!!!!
WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!
Big Ben is a douche.
Week 7 Picks
Cincinnati @ Atlanta
I've been paying close attention to Matt Ryan for the last few years because he's on my fantasy team. One thing I've noticed is that he's not that good. He's decent, but certainly not good enough to have a nickname like Matty Ice. At this point I think it's just as likely that he likes to drink a lot and Matty Ice sounds like Natty Ice. As un-spectacular as he is, Carson Palmer and the Bengals are even less impressive.
Washington @ Chicago
Has anyone noticed Cutler doing this straight drop on all his passes? He gets the ball from center and just backpedals like it's the 1950s. Has he always done this? Forget any O-line problems, this is the reason Cutler's been getting sacked so much. Cutler must really like being annoying, that's the only way to explain him.
Philadelphia @ Tennessee
So every time one of the Eagles QBs gets hurt the other one comes in and plays awesome. According to this pattern, if 3rd-stringer Mike Kafka has to go in he'd probably play the greatest game we've ever seen. What a transformation that would be. (Well there it is, the most high-brow joke I'll ever make.) Anyway, that most likely won't happen so I'll go with the Titans.
Jacksonville @ Kansas City
I'm not sure I've ever seen a worse 3-3 team than Jacksonville. Are we sure that their win over Indy even happened? I didn't see it. More over, I called down to Jacksonville and didn't get in touch with one person who actually attended the game. This all seemed pretty strange until I remembered that nobody in Jacksonville ever goes to Jaguars games. So I guess my conspiracy theory falls flat right there, but that doesn't take away from the fact that the Jaguars suck.
Pittsburgh @ Miami
It turns out I should have trusted my theory about the Dolphins on the road. Now that they're back at home this is a clear loss. The only thing that makes me think twice about this pick is that Big Ben is back in the South which could be a recipe for disaster.
Cleveland @ New Orleans
Surprisingly Colt McCoy has lived to see another start. This is pretty impressive for a man that's never completed a pass more than 9 yards down field. (Think I'm joking? Look it up ..... Shit, you did? Well the fact that you even had to check proves that it was somewhat believable.) The Saints finally strung together a good game last week. Yes, it was against the Bucs, and it's tough to tell if they're any good but guess what? They get the Browns this week, so it doesn't matter.
St. Louis @ Tampa Bay
These teams have already surpassed or matched their win totals from last year, however, this one will probably still be a Stinger. I guess I can understand the Tampa fans' thought process. It would be like if someone told me that the new M. Night Shaymalan movie wasn't that bad, in the end I'm probably not going to believe them and I'm definitely not going to see the movie. In a related note I predict that Sam Bradford's season is brought to an end with a TWISTed knee.
San Francisco @ Carolina
Blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! Excuse me, I just barfed when I saw this match-up (and yes, I managed to type out mid-barf the exact sound that I was making). Here's another instance of a Stinger where you can't really blame the home fans. In fact, withholding this game from local TV markets is more a reward than a threat. But hey, somebody's gotta win right? And guess what, the Clausen Alert is no longer in effect, we can shut off the alarm. This is legitimately the only reason I'm going to pick the Panthers.
Buffalo @ Baltimore
If you're in a suicide pool and you can still take Baltimore you should do it here. And if you're a Buffalo fan, odds are you're considering committing suicide in a pool. My advice? First off, relax, it's only football. Besides, you guys have been through worse, like when you lost 4 straight Super Bowls. Remember that? Also, there probably aren't a lot of pools in Buffalo, and any that are there are most likely drained or frozen this time of year.
Arizona @ Seattle
A clash for the top spot in the NFC West. That whoosh of air you just felt was the nation holding its collective breath. As a Hawks fan I like the idea of Max Hall coming to Qwest Field for his 2nd ever start. We all know rookie QBs never come in to Qwest and get Ws .... Ok sometimes it happens, but Max Hall is no Josh Freeman!
Oakland @ Denver
Ask me which game I have absolutely no interest in watching this week. Go ahead ask me ... Well this is weird, I can't really tell if you've asked. You see, I'm typing this before you're actually going to read it and ... ok this is the game I have absolutely no interest in watching. Oakland's offense was totally awful last week against the Niners, and the Broncos are just mediocre, not funny-to-watch bad.
New England @ San Diego
Alright Chargers, you're so much worse on the road it's not even funny anymore. Hold it, they've got Philip Rivers so it's still funny. However, San Diego has been dominant at home. If Antonio Gates plays I think they'll win
Minnesota @ Green Bay
It's pretty amazing that in a week when Brett Favre threw no interceptions, everyone's still talking about his pics ... ZING!!! If I were Favre I would have said the following at my press conference, "Well, I am the all-time leader in picks, what's a few more," winked and then walked out to uproarious laughter. Unfortunately I don't control Favre, so this didn't actually happen. Although, it has given me a great idea for a Grand Theft Auto-esque football game where you get to control what the player does off the field as well. Sending dick pics would account for most of the gameplay. I'm not sure I like either of these teams, but I think the Vikings get it up Favre-style for this one.
New York Giants @ Dallas
A lot of so called experts said that Dallas's season was over after their loss to the Vikings last week. Oh really? Well than why are they playing this week? I guess those "experts" aren't as smart as you thought. In all seriousness I wouldn't be surprised if the Cowboys just rolled over and died at this point, they don't seem like the most stable bunch.
Mustacheer Post of the week...
Updated Loser List
I screwed up on afew so here's an updated list...
17. San Fransisco - They won a game. They're good.
16. Charlotte/Carolina - combine the two and they're up there.
15. Winnipeg - I guess the team was stolen. They did win when they had them though.
9. Salt Lake City
4. San Diego
Eric Wedge: Seattle Mariners Savior
We at henrycottosmustache.com support this decision for obvious reasons.
Thank you in advance Mr. Wedge for the multiple World Series titles you bring to this fine city of Seattle. You're the best!
The Worst City in Sports
I haven't looked at the last one I did of these, so maybe this will be a total retread, but I thought I'd examine it once again. Who's got it the worst? Cities (or small areas around that city). I've got the Top 5, (with one that sort of surprised me), a couple of cities that have it rough overall but got a few championships sprinkled in, and then the 1 town teams that can't win shit.
Why'd I do this? I guess I just feel like a loser. Don't expect a lot of humor below, but I think it's always discussion worthy. If we can't be the best, I want to be known as the absolute worst. We're almost there Seattle!
Here we go...
One team towns that can't catch a break:
16. Ottowa - This is a town in Canada. They have a hockey team that, according to my research, sucks.
15. Vancouver - They'd be higher on the list if it were kick ass towns that kick a lot of ass, but that's a different list. Along with Ottowa, they lose point for being a NHL only town.
14. Charlotte - One NBA team (NBA teams in general took a hit on the list, because the NBA blows), not a long history. Not much suffering.
13. Orlando - A good team from what I hear, but still haven't won.
12. Sacramento - good fans.
11. Salt Lake City - Strong runs of competitiveness, but nothing to show for it.
10. Portland - A great town, with great titty bars. They can't feel too bad about themselves.
9. Jacksonville - They only made it this high because they're in one of the two sports leagues that still matter. Otherwise Jacksonville could eat it like the rest of these fools.
8. Tampa Bay - They don't have any fans, but the few that exist will end up being very bummed out when they look at this squad a few years down the road (Think '95 M's)
Big Ol' Losers:
7. San Francisco - You can only ride those 49er championships for so long (and CHRIST, look at em now). The Giants haven't won a thin in forever, and I think they count the Sharks and Warriors as their own as well. A real shit sandwich.
6. Minnesota - The Twins won a couple, but that 20 years ago. The Timberwolves are a joke, and the Vikings are one of longest suffering NFL teams.
The Top 5:
5. Tennessee - Here's the curveball. Sure, they don't have a gigantic fansbase in any of these sports, and lumping all of Tennessee together is kinda weak, but so are their teams. Titans came inches from winning a Superbowl . The Grizzilies blow and always will, (seriously, come back and read this post in 10 years and if they won a title by then I'll give you $10.00 each). They've also got a team in Nashville that sucks at hockey. Not a great sports town.
4. San Diego - The Chargers and the Padres. A couple of championship games but nothing else. Also, pretty sure they lost their NBA team too.
3. Buffalo - C'mon.
2. Seattle - If you need an explanation for this one, you're probably on the wrong site.
1. Cleveland - No championships in anything for over I dunno, 50 years I'll say. And then Lebron pulled one of the all time dickhead sports moves on the entire town.
Congrats Cleveland! But things are looking up with Holmgren on the Browns, and Carlos Santana on the Indians... you guys better step your suckiness, cuz Seattle we'll be closing on ya fast!
Seattle @ Chicago
After watching the Rams game, convincing myself it was a bad dream, then waking up that Monday and realizing it wasn't I think it's safe to say that the expectations for the Seahawks offense were lower than Mike Singletary's football IQ. But that was before they decided to engage BEAST MODE. Now I assume it'll just be easy going, I don't see how anything volatile could happen with Marshawn Lynch in the fold.
Miami @ Green Bay
I've already gone over Miami's road successes and home woes, well now I have another theory. The Dolphins are actually a good football team but they're just a bunch of party animals and they find themselves easily distracted by the hot club scene on South Beach. It makes sense when you look at the two road victories they've had: Buffalo and Minnesota, two of the most boring places in the league. And now they're going to Green Bay, which would most likely mean another W. However, my Wacky Pick of the Week is that Aaron Rodgers will catch on to this phenomenon as well and open up a club in downtown GB called Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood of Hot Chicks. He'll then fly in babes from all across the country to fill the place. The Dolphins will catch wind of the sick new club and spend the whole night there on Saturday rendering them hungover and listless for the game.
San Diego @ St. Louis
San Diego's road games have been ridiculously similar this year. Special teams puts them in a hole, then huge turnovers foil their comeback attempts. It can't happen a 4th straight time can it?
Baltimore @ New England
I'm not sure what the Patriots are thinking with their trade for Deion Branch. Doesn't Wes Welker do the same things that Branch used to do in that offense? I think New England should be worried that these two will repeatedly crash into each other in the middle of the field while running identical, inverse routes. That conundrum is likely to cause a lot of problems, especially against Baltimore's ball-hawking defense.
Detroit @ New York Giants
Fortunately for the both of us, I was able to watch the entirety of the Lions game last week and I can tell you first hand, this team is half bad. You might have thought that was a typo, but no that's what I meant. But being half bad is a step up for the Lions, they're now at the point where they can actually beat bad teams. Of course, that also means they can't beat decent teams yet so they'll lose, but they won't look awful doing it.
Atlanta @ Philadelphia
I'm sure a lot will be made about Michael Vick facing his former team, which is pretty stupid when you consider that of the people Vick played with in Atlanta only 5 are still with the team. So obviously this is a non-story; either that or Jon Abraham should watch the fuck out. I'd like to think that both of these teams are good, but they only beat the Niners by a combined 5 points, so they're really sending mixed messages. In the end I think Atlanta is the more solid team.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
Normally this website doesn't touch on religious matters, but we should all start praying for Colt McCoy. Seriously, how big of a disaster is this going to be? There's no way McCoy survives this game, which is why I predict that by the end of this one Josh Cribbs will be taking the majority of the snaps. This looks like a shutout in the making, but I think Roethlisberger will turn it over at least once in his end, which will be ironic because Ben is used to people not giving it away in their own ends.
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
Everyone's still waiting for the Saints to play like themselves this season but consider this ... what if the Saints aren't themselves? What am I getting at? I think it's obvious: a group of alien shapeshifters have come to earth and taken the form of the New Orleans Saints. Meanwhile the real team is tied up on their spaceship constantly struggling to free themselves to no avail. I can only assume that the aliens saw the footage of last year's Super Bowl that was broadcast into outer space and thought it would be fun to play football. When you consider that their planet doesn't even have a similar game and that this is the first time they've ever played football it's actually pretty impressive that they've managed to go 3-2. It also helps explain how the Niners only lost to them by 3.
Kansas City @ Houston
Here's two teams struggling to break through into the playoffs. My guess is that this will be pretty competitive because both squads want to prove they're for real. However, if we're not sure of either team's legitimacy will a victory over the other really mean anything? It's like in school when you'd tell two losers to fight and whichever one won could sit at your lunch table, then after the fight you'd reveal it was all just a sick, hilarious joke. (What you guys never did that? Well then you missed out on good prankin') In this case I'm guessing Houston is the tougher nerd.
New York Jets @ Denver
Up to this point Mark Sanchez has thrown 8 TDs and 0 INTs, and it's clear that he has me to thank for his success, seeing as how I challenged him to be great in my Week 1 Picks when I wrote "... I'm curious to see whether or not Mark Sanchez can actually throw for more TDs than interceptions ..." You're welcome Mark. Now let's see if this can't work the other way: I'm curious to see if Rex Ryan can royally fuck up the rest of this year and cause the Jets to lose the rest of their games. It's worth a shot.
Oakland @ San Francisco
Apparently a "We want Carr" chant broke out at Candlestick on Sunday night. While I can't blame the San Fran fans for not wanting to see anymore of Alex Smith, they should really be careful what they wish for. If they were smart they would have chanted, "We want a decent quarterback with regular man-sized hands and the ability to look down field while scrambling. We could also use a coach who has some idea of what he's doing instead of a bumbling fool whose only saving grace is that he was able to convince people that he's a master motivator." It's not exactly a catchy chant but it would certainly get the point across.
Dallas @ Minnesota
Quite a big deal is being made of the fact that one of the infamous Brett Favre texts may have been a picture of himself masturbating with crocs on. I'm wondering why the crocs part is even included. Would it be better if he were masturbating while wearing work boots? Maybe some nice wing-tips or penny loafers? What is the appropriate footwear when sending a dick pic? The right answer is that there is no right answer. In the many dick pics I've sent I've found that you really shouldn't include your feet in the shot at all, it just freaks the girl out ... other than that they're usually totally cool with it.
Indianapolis @ Washington
Last week Peyton Manning laid his first Fantasy stinker of the year, meaning he'll probably come back with a vengeance on Sunday night. (by the way, don't look up "fantasy stinker" on google) So far it's been hard for me to tell if the Redskins are actually decent or just lucky. Of course, it could be a little bit of both, but when it comes to the Redskins I really don't like making compromises, so I'll say they've been lucky, which is why I'll take the Colts. (Fun fact: the bold part of the last sentence is a quote from Andrew Jackson).
Tennessee @ Jacksonville
The Jags have managed to join the Cardinals in the "How the Hell are we 3-2" sect of the NFL (A club I'm really hoping the Hawks can join this week!!!) In other words I have no confidence in them, which has to be disappointing for the Jags.