Time for more of my game by game analysis where I usually make a joke about one team and never mention the other:

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Chicago

After watching the Rams game, convincing myself it was a bad dream, then waking up that Monday and realizing it wasn't I think it's safe to say that the expectations for the Seahawks offense were lower than Mike Singletary's football IQ. But that was before they decided to engage BEAST MODE. Now I assume it'll just be easy going, I don't see how anything volatile could happen with Marshawn Lynch in the fold.

Seahawks 24-17

Miami @ Green Bay

I've already gone over Miami's road successes and home woes, well now I have another theory. The Dolphins are actually a good football team but they're just a bunch of party animals and they find themselves easily distracted by the hot club scene on South Beach. It makes sense when you look at the two road victories they've had: Buffalo and Minnesota, two of the most boring places in the league. And now they're going to Green Bay, which would most likely mean another W. However, my Wacky Pick of the Week is that Aaron Rodgers will catch on to this phenomenon as well and open up a club in downtown GB called Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood of Hot Chicks. He'll then fly in babes from all across the country to fill the place. The Dolphins will catch wind of the sick new club and spend the whole night there on Saturday rendering them hungover and listless for the game.

Packers 23-21

San Diego @ St. Louis

San Diego's road games have been ridiculously similar this year. Special teams puts them in a hole, then huge turnovers foil their comeback attempts. It can't happen a 4th straight time can it?

Chargers 27-16

Baltimore @ New England

I'm not sure what the Patriots are thinking with their trade for Deion Branch. Doesn't Wes Welker do the same things that Branch used to do in that offense? I think New England should be worried that these two will repeatedly crash into each other in the middle of the field while running identical, inverse routes. That conundrum is likely to cause a lot of problems, especially against Baltimore's ball-hawking defense.

Ravens 20-17

Detroit @ New York Giants

Fortunately for the both of us, I was able to watch the entirety of the Lions game last week and I can tell you first hand, this team is half bad. You might have thought that was a typo, but no that's what I meant. But being half bad is a step up for the Lions, they're now at the point where they can actually beat bad teams. Of course, that also means they can't beat decent teams yet so they'll lose, but they won't look awful doing it.

Giants 27-24

Atlanta @ Philadelphia

I'm sure a lot will be made about Michael Vick facing his former team, which is pretty stupid when you consider that of the people Vick played with in Atlanta only 5 are still with the team. So obviously this is a non-story; either that or Jon Abraham should watch the fuck out. I'd like to think that both of these teams are good, but they only beat the Niners by a combined 5 points, so they're really sending mixed messages. In the end I think Atlanta is the more solid team.

Falcons 28-20

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

Normally this website doesn't touch on religious matters, but we should all start praying for Colt McCoy. Seriously, how big of a disaster is this going to be? There's no way McCoy survives this game, which is why I predict that by the end of this one Josh Cribbs will be taking the majority of the snaps. This looks like a shutout in the making, but I think Roethlisberger will turn it over at least once in his end, which will be ironic because Ben is used to people not giving it away in their own ends.

Steelers 23-3

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

Everyone's still waiting for the Saints to play like themselves this season but consider this ... what if the Saints aren't themselves? What am I getting at? I think it's obvious: a group of alien shapeshifters have come to earth and taken the form of the New Orleans Saints. Meanwhile the real team is tied up on their spaceship constantly struggling to free themselves to no avail. I can only assume that the aliens saw the footage of last year's Super Bowl that was broadcast into outer space and thought it would be fun to play football. When you consider that their planet doesn't even have a similar game and that this is the first time they've ever played football it's actually pretty impressive that they've managed to go 3-2. It also helps explain how the Niners only lost to them by 3.

Saints 21-18

Kansas City @ Houston

Here's two teams struggling to break through into the playoffs. My guess is that this will be pretty competitive because both squads want to prove they're for real. However, if we're not sure of either team's legitimacy will a victory over the other really mean anything? It's like in school when you'd tell two losers to fight and whichever one won could sit at your lunch table, then after the fight you'd reveal it was all just a sick, hilarious joke. (What you guys never did that? Well then you missed out on good prankin') In this case I'm guessing Houston is the tougher nerd.

Texans 24-13

Sunday Afternoon

New York Jets @ Denver

Up to this point Mark Sanchez has thrown 8 TDs and 0 INTs, and it's clear that he has me to thank for his success, seeing as how I challenged him to be great in my Week 1 Picks when I wrote "... I'm curious to see whether or not Mark Sanchez can actually throw for more TDs than interceptions ..." You're welcome Mark. Now let's see if this can't work the other way: I'm curious to see if Rex Ryan can royally fuck up the rest of this year and cause the Jets to lose the rest of their games. It's worth a shot.

Jets 19-14

Oakland @ San Francisco

Apparently a "We want Carr" chant broke out at Candlestick on Sunday night. While I can't blame the San Fran fans for not wanting to see anymore of Alex Smith, they should really be careful what they wish for. If they were smart they would have chanted, "We want a decent quarterback with regular man-sized hands and the ability to look down field while scrambling. We could also use a coach who has some idea of what he's doing instead of a bumbling fool whose only saving grace is that he was able to convince people that he's a master motivator." It's not exactly a catchy chant but it would certainly get the point across.

Raiders 24-23

Dallas @ Minnesota

Quite a big deal is being made of the fact that one of the infamous Brett Favre texts may have been a picture of himself masturbating with crocs on. I'm wondering why the crocs part is even included. Would it be better if he were masturbating while wearing work boots? Maybe some nice wing-tips or penny loafers? What is the appropriate footwear when sending a dick pic? The right answer is that there is no right answer. In the many dick pics I've sent I've found that you really shouldn't include your feet in the shot at all, it just freaks the girl out ... other than that they're usually totally cool with it.

Cowboys 24-19

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Washington

Last week Peyton Manning laid his first Fantasy stinker of the year, meaning he'll probably come back with a vengeance on Sunday night. (by the way, don't look up "fantasy stinker" on google) So far it's been hard for me to tell if the Redskins are actually decent or just lucky. Of course, it could be a little bit of both, but when it comes to the Redskins I really don't like making compromises, so I'll say they've been lucky, which is why I'll take the Colts. (Fun fact: the bold part of the last sentence is a quote from Andrew Jackson).

Colts 34-17

Monday Night

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

The Jags have managed to join the Cardinals in the "How the Hell are we 3-2" sect of the NFL (A club I'm really hoping the Hawks can join this week!!!) In other words I have no confidence in them, which has to be disappointing for the Jags.

Titans 20-10


Mr. F said...

The Minnesota/Dallas game is being billed as a loser leaves town match. If the Vikings win, Wade Phillips is fired by Jerry Jones on the field Vinny Mac style:


And if Dallas wins, and Minny's season is essentially over, Favre will quit/retire/seek legal counsel.

Mr. F said...

Also... fantastic read as always, but I think you may be off on the GReen Bay pick.

No way a concussed Rogers could come up with that plan. Unless... has the plan been in motion for some time now, and his people can execute it? Cuz if it's just on him, then I think he might be too hummana-hummana-Troy Aikman-football-video game-mode to pull it off.

Erik said...

Rodgers began assembling babes weeks ago. It was for a different project but now he's decided to use it for this.

Erik said...

I just edited the IND @ WASH commentary so that it makes more sense. Originally there was a formatting error. Now you can all re-read it for extra hilarity.

Mr. F said...

A real peak behind the curtain at at HCM. You're welcome Mustacheers!

Bobby said...

So this is what goes on in the secret HCM board meetings?

Mr. F said...

Congrats on the big win yesterday Bateman.

Bobby said...



Bobby said...


make the right choices, mustacheers.

Pete said...

Bob, I don't read articles like this. Please just sum up for me what a yes vote means and what a no vote means. Then please tell me if I should vote yes or no.

wanamaker said...

I just edited the IND @ WASH commentary so that it makes more sense. Originally there was a formatting error. Now you can all re-read it for extra hilarity.