Us WSU Cougar Football Fans will always remember the 2008 football season. Why? Well that's a stupid question! Because we beat UW 16-13 in double OT to take bring the Apple Cup back to Pullman. Then they headed down to Cal with their tail between their legs, leading to a 48-7 rout, and making that Husky team the only team in the history of the Pac-10 to go 0-12.
The very next year your beloved Cougars nearly joined that exclusive club. Who knew that when Bo Levi Mitchel dropped back to pass and got picked off by Chima Nwachukwu on the 1st play of overtime, followed by a game-winning 39 yard FG by Nico Grasu (whom I friended on facebook after said apple cup), we would get to mumble the phrase "game-winning" anything against a BCS level opponent for over a year and a half. We finished 2009 1-11. But the point of this story is that the SMU Mustangs were our bitch that season.
We can just forget about the next few seasons of Cougar football. We got ourselves a new ball coach and he is making some changes. I would like to introduce you to a few people:
Gabriel Marks - 6' 0" 175. Runs a 4.5 Ranked #13 WR in the nation, coming out of Venice High in Los Angeles, CA
Robert Lewis - 5' 10' 160lb RB. Runs a 4.5 Ranked #10 RB in the nation, coming out of South East High in South Gate, CA
Khalil Pettway - 6' 4" 205. Ranked #36 LB in the nation, coming out of Culver City High in Culver City, CA
Kache Palacio - 6' 2" 225. Ranked #88 LB in the nation, coming out of Junipero Serra High in Gardena, CA
What do these 4 boys have in common. They were all planning on playing for the Mustangs next year. Mike Leach came to the Palouse and all 4 of them told SMU to suck it. I could also possibly be related to Craig James being a huge douche and running for senate. Which looks like a great idea at this point.
Rumors are starting to swirl about a preeminent Mill Creek doctor behind the formation of this new stable. HCM is still investigating this possible connection. We will have any updates as we come acoss them.
We would also like to remind you that all these guys have given at this point is some good solid oral commitment. Which we all (or at least most of us) know isn't nearly as good as the real thing. Letter of Intent day is Feb, 1.
1.21.2012
1.19.2012
NFL Picks Conference Championships
Baltimore @ New England
When these two teams met in the playoffs after the '09 season Joe Flacco went for 4-10 with 34 yards and an interception. Those numbers are downright Tebowian (RIP). But guess what? The Ravens blew out the Pats in that game 33-14. That game, more than any other proves that the less FlacMan has to do the better. With that in mind Flacco should try to do as little as possible on Sunday. This means no passing whatsoever, and when he does have to hand it off he shouldn't even take steps, instead he just fall over slowly and extend his hand. Unfortunately, that's probably not realistic, and if there's one thing I can say about my picks, it's that they're grounded in reality. When determining a prediction for this game I keep coming back to one simple fact: for the last 8 seasons the AFC representative in the Super Bowl has either been the Patriots, Steelers, or Colts, I say after this game it will be 9 seasons.
Patriots 27-17
New York Giants @ San Francisco
Earlier in the season I proclaimed that Aaron Rodgers' jumping fist pump was the worst TD celebration in the league. Not to be outdone by his '04 draft counterpart whose been outdoing him his whole career, Alex Smith unveiled something so lame at the end of his touchdown run in last week's win over the Saints that I became physically ill and vomited. Sure, I'd just eaten a whole large pizza and I was simply doing my normal purge, but I vomited nonetheless. Unfortunately for Smith, the Giants ousted Rodgers and the Packers last week and now seem determined to eliminate all nerds from the playoffs. I've even heard rumors that this guy has been signed from the practice squad. With that in mind, I have no choice but to pick the Giants to go on to a Super Bowl XLII rematch. But don't fret Baltimore and San Fran fans, because guess what: 2012 Pro Bowl = Harbaugh Bowl II.
Giants 24-20
When these two teams met in the playoffs after the '09 season Joe Flacco went for 4-10 with 34 yards and an interception. Those numbers are downright Tebowian (RIP). But guess what? The Ravens blew out the Pats in that game 33-14. That game, more than any other proves that the less FlacMan has to do the better. With that in mind Flacco should try to do as little as possible on Sunday. This means no passing whatsoever, and when he does have to hand it off he shouldn't even take steps, instead he just fall over slowly and extend his hand. Unfortunately, that's probably not realistic, and if there's one thing I can say about my picks, it's that they're grounded in reality. When determining a prediction for this game I keep coming back to one simple fact: for the last 8 seasons the AFC representative in the Super Bowl has either been the Patriots, Steelers, or Colts, I say after this game it will be 9 seasons.
Patriots 27-17
New York Giants @ San Francisco
Earlier in the season I proclaimed that Aaron Rodgers' jumping fist pump was the worst TD celebration in the league. Not to be outdone by his '04 draft counterpart whose been outdoing him his whole career, Alex Smith unveiled something so lame at the end of his touchdown run in last week's win over the Saints that I became physically ill and vomited. Sure, I'd just eaten a whole large pizza and I was simply doing my normal purge, but I vomited nonetheless. Unfortunately for Smith, the Giants ousted Rodgers and the Packers last week and now seem determined to eliminate all nerds from the playoffs. I've even heard rumors that this guy has been signed from the practice squad. With that in mind, I have no choice but to pick the Giants to go on to a Super Bowl XLII rematch. But don't fret Baltimore and San Fran fans, because guess what: 2012 Pro Bowl = Harbaugh Bowl II.
Giants 24-20
1.12.2012
NFL Picks Divisional Round
Saturday
New Orleans @ San Francisco
This game features the 2nd best scoring offense in the league against the 2nd best scoring defense, I'll let you guess which one is which. Go ahead, guess ... I'll wait ... Hey I can do this all day pal. Alright, now that we're on the same page let's figure out which team will do what it does best better. They say defense wins championships, but they also say that offense wins divisional round games, granted they don't say it as much, but I've heard it. What this game really boils down to is the fact that Jim Harbaugh wears a pen around his neck, and the only other person I've seen do that is Joan Holloway. Sorry Jim, that's one too many things in common with a busty secretary for my taste.
Saints 24-17
Denver @ New England
In my Week 17 picks I theorized that Tim Tebow's late season slide may have just been him testing our faith before facing the slings and arrows of the playoffs, and then when he got to the playoffs I went ahead and picked against him anyway. I'm sorry Tim, I should never have stopped believing. That being said, it seems like this is surely the end of the Broncos' magical run. Yes, the Patriots have lost their last two home playoff games, and haven't won a playoff game at all since the '07 AFC Championship game, but it's just too far-fetched to believe that Teebs can get the job done again. For Denver to win it would surely take a miracle, and that's impossible ... right?
Patriots 34-23
Sunday
Houston @ Baltimore
Good news for all the West coast party animals out there, if you go hard on Saturday night and sleep till noon on Sunday all you'll have missed is most of the Texans/Ravens game. Bad news, the game will still be on, so you might want to go ahead and sleep till one. The main storyline for this game is the battle of top defenses, but you know what they say, defenses don't win divisional round games. So then it will have to come down to the offenses. Ray Rice and Arian Foster pretty much cancel each other out, and Andre Johnson gives the Texans an advantage at receiver, but I've got a feeling that in his first home playoff game (after 7 on the road) the FlacMan will rise to the occasion.
Ravens 17-10
New York @ Green Bay
The parallels between this Giants team and the Super Bowl winners of '07 are becoming hard to ignore. Both started off 6-2 but struggled in the second half of the season and barely reached the playoffs. Both easily dispatched an NFC South opponent in the wildcard round (24-14 over TB in '07; 24-2 over ATL in '11). Both have a pass rush that has blossomed late in the season and can dominate a game. And finally, both lost a late regular season game 38-35 to the best team in the league only to get a second chance against them a month or so later. Obviously in '07 they capitalized on their rematch and won the Super Bowl 17-14 over the Patriots. So, if this season truly is a doppelganger of their past campaign the Giants will win this game right? Right!
Giants 27-24
New Orleans @ San Francisco
This game features the 2nd best scoring offense in the league against the 2nd best scoring defense, I'll let you guess which one is which. Go ahead, guess ... I'll wait ... Hey I can do this all day pal. Alright, now that we're on the same page let's figure out which team will do what it does best better. They say defense wins championships, but they also say that offense wins divisional round games, granted they don't say it as much, but I've heard it. What this game really boils down to is the fact that Jim Harbaugh wears a pen around his neck, and the only other person I've seen do that is Joan Holloway. Sorry Jim, that's one too many things in common with a busty secretary for my taste.
Saints 24-17
Denver @ New England
In my Week 17 picks I theorized that Tim Tebow's late season slide may have just been him testing our faith before facing the slings and arrows of the playoffs, and then when he got to the playoffs I went ahead and picked against him anyway. I'm sorry Tim, I should never have stopped believing. That being said, it seems like this is surely the end of the Broncos' magical run. Yes, the Patriots have lost their last two home playoff games, and haven't won a playoff game at all since the '07 AFC Championship game, but it's just too far-fetched to believe that Teebs can get the job done again. For Denver to win it would surely take a miracle, and that's impossible ... right?
Patriots 34-23
Sunday
Houston @ Baltimore
Good news for all the West coast party animals out there, if you go hard on Saturday night and sleep till noon on Sunday all you'll have missed is most of the Texans/Ravens game. Bad news, the game will still be on, so you might want to go ahead and sleep till one. The main storyline for this game is the battle of top defenses, but you know what they say, defenses don't win divisional round games. So then it will have to come down to the offenses. Ray Rice and Arian Foster pretty much cancel each other out, and Andre Johnson gives the Texans an advantage at receiver, but I've got a feeling that in his first home playoff game (after 7 on the road) the FlacMan will rise to the occasion.
Ravens 17-10
New York @ Green Bay
The parallels between this Giants team and the Super Bowl winners of '07 are becoming hard to ignore. Both started off 6-2 but struggled in the second half of the season and barely reached the playoffs. Both easily dispatched an NFC South opponent in the wildcard round (24-14 over TB in '07; 24-2 over ATL in '11). Both have a pass rush that has blossomed late in the season and can dominate a game. And finally, both lost a late regular season game 38-35 to the best team in the league only to get a second chance against them a month or so later. Obviously in '07 they capitalized on their rematch and won the Super Bowl 17-14 over the Patriots. So, if this season truly is a doppelganger of their past campaign the Giants will win this game right? Right!
Giants 27-24
1.05.2012
NFL Picks Wildcard Round
Saturday
Cincinnati @ Houston
What a battle of QBs: Dalton/Yates. Hold it, doesn't that sound like the name of some wealthy elite from the 1920s? Dalton Yates. I'm pretty sure that was a character in the Great Gatsby. Have I ever read that book? No, but I feel safe in my assumption. I also feel safe in assuming that in this battle of rookie signal callers Andy Dalton will go on the road and get the win.
Bengals 16-13
Detroit @ New Orleans
This is the first game in NFL history to feature a match-up between quarterbacks who have each thrown for over 5,000 yards in that season. Yes, it's Brees/Stafford. Hold it, doesn't Brees Stafford sound like a the name of a stripper? I'm pretty sure that was a character in Showgirls. Have I ever seen that movie? Yes! The image of Jessie Spano's horse-ass is seared into my brain for time eternal. In fact, much like Spano became the hottest dancer in Vegas, the Saints come into the playoffs as the hottest team in the league. It would be shocking if New Orleans lost in the first round, though I think we've all heard that sentence before (I won't bother linking to it ... awww what the hell!)
Saints 38-24
Sunday
Atlanta @ New York Giants
A home playoff game would seem like a real advantage to most, but Eli Manning isn't most. Case in point, Eli is 0-2 in his career in home playoff games. My theory is that Eli gets very nervous playing in big games at home, a problem that was spawned by his fear of disappointing his father in backyard games with brothers Cooper and Peyton. Of course, his nervousness was only legitimized when he threw an errant pass that sent a sprawling Cooper into a bramble patch, effectively ending his football career. However, I believe Eli finally sheds this stigma and gets a W because I don't trust the Falcons, and there aren't any bramble patches at MetLife Stadium.
Giants 27-20
Pittsburgh @ Denver
Well it's come to this, the end of Tebow. His season had to die so that we could enjoy watching football again. So, in a way, he's sacrificing himself. I mean, obviously if he wanted to win he could, but he knows that it would be so boring and methodical that no one would enjoy it. What a selfless act, God bless you Tim Tebow (too late).
Steelers 17-6
Cincinnati @ Houston
What a battle of QBs: Dalton/Yates. Hold it, doesn't that sound like the name of some wealthy elite from the 1920s? Dalton Yates. I'm pretty sure that was a character in the Great Gatsby. Have I ever read that book? No, but I feel safe in my assumption. I also feel safe in assuming that in this battle of rookie signal callers Andy Dalton will go on the road and get the win.
Bengals 16-13
Detroit @ New Orleans
This is the first game in NFL history to feature a match-up between quarterbacks who have each thrown for over 5,000 yards in that season. Yes, it's Brees/Stafford. Hold it, doesn't Brees Stafford sound like a the name of a stripper? I'm pretty sure that was a character in Showgirls. Have I ever seen that movie? Yes! The image of Jessie Spano's horse-ass is seared into my brain for time eternal. In fact, much like Spano became the hottest dancer in Vegas, the Saints come into the playoffs as the hottest team in the league. It would be shocking if New Orleans lost in the first round, though I think we've all heard that sentence before (I won't bother linking to it ... awww what the hell!)
Saints 38-24
Sunday
Atlanta @ New York Giants
A home playoff game would seem like a real advantage to most, but Eli Manning isn't most. Case in point, Eli is 0-2 in his career in home playoff games. My theory is that Eli gets very nervous playing in big games at home, a problem that was spawned by his fear of disappointing his father in backyard games with brothers Cooper and Peyton. Of course, his nervousness was only legitimized when he threw an errant pass that sent a sprawling Cooper into a bramble patch, effectively ending his football career. However, I believe Eli finally sheds this stigma and gets a W because I don't trust the Falcons, and there aren't any bramble patches at MetLife Stadium.
Giants 27-20
Pittsburgh @ Denver
Well it's come to this, the end of Tebow. His season had to die so that we could enjoy watching football again. So, in a way, he's sacrificing himself. I mean, obviously if he wanted to win he could, but he knows that it would be so boring and methodical that no one would enjoy it. What a selfless act, God bless you Tim Tebow (too late).
Steelers 17-6
Why Isn't there a College Bowl Game tonight?
For those of you worried that you might be forced to play with your kids or talk to your wife tonight, I have some exciting news. There is some worthwhile football on tonight. Kicking off at 4:30 down at Tropicana Field is the 2012 Under Armour All-America Game. Not as much news surrounding how upset many players were about not getting to wear a particular number (Unlike that joke of a U.S Army All-American Bowl).
There is one player that everyone should focus on tonight. He is an undecided 3-star WR out of Dr. Phillips High School in Orlando, Fl. A 6' 2" 184 pound burner. He will be wearing the highly coveted #3 for Team White tonight. He has narrowed his decision to Michigan State, Iowa State, and Washington State. Go State Schools! You can expect him to be unsuccessfully covered up by #3 on Team Black, Deion Sanders Jr.
You are probably asking, why the hell should I care about some shitty 3 star WR who can't be that great if he is considering WSU. First off, screw you. I don't know if you heard but we just got a new football coach who is kind of a big deal. Many people refer to him as "Leachscobar". Here is why you should care:
**I went ahead and put a circle around the kid I was talking about so you didn't think we had a Brandon Wheedon situation in the Palouse next year.
I really hope it is a high scoring game so the kids can practice getting flagged for taunting/excessive celebration.
There is one player that everyone should focus on tonight. He is an undecided 3-star WR out of Dr. Phillips High School in Orlando, Fl. A 6' 2" 184 pound burner. He will be wearing the highly coveted #3 for Team White tonight. He has narrowed his decision to Michigan State, Iowa State, and Washington State. Go State Schools! You can expect him to be unsuccessfully covered up by #3 on Team Black, Deion Sanders Jr.
You are probably asking, why the hell should I care about some shitty 3 star WR who can't be that great if he is considering WSU. First off, screw you. I don't know if you heard but we just got a new football coach who is kind of a big deal. Many people refer to him as "Leachscobar". Here is why you should care:
**I went ahead and put a circle around the kid I was talking about so you didn't think we had a Brandon Wheedon situation in the Palouse next year.
I really hope it is a high scoring game so the kids can practice getting flagged for taunting/excessive celebration.
12.29.2011
NFL Picks Week 17
My picks have been very uneven the last couple of weeks. I'd blame myself, but that would just be ridiculous.
Sunday Morning
Carolina @ New Orleans
The Panthers have been hot down the stretch, meaning that they will most likely be a trendy pick to get to the playoffs next season. Well, I'll do you one better, I think they'll make the playoffs THIS year! What's that? Impossible? That's weird, I was under the assumption that a 7-9 record automatically gets a team in the playoffs. Fine, I'll just go with the safe pick then.
Saints 31-24
Buffalo @ New England
The Patriots need a win to clinch the #1 seed in the AFC, while a win for the Bills would put them in play for the #10 seed. In case you're wondering, no, the NFL has not expanded the playoffs to 10 teams per conference, but hey 10 is better than 11; unless, of course, you're talking about draft positioning, in which case it is much worse. Due to the motivation factor I'll take New England
Patriots 30-10
Chicago @ Minnesota
The Bears are kicking themselves that they waited so long to make the switch at quarterback from Caleb Hanie to Josh McCown. They should also be kicking themselves that they've waited so long to reveal that they can kick themselves. A bear kicking itself is a huge draw at circuses around the globe.
Bears 20-17
New York Jets @ Miami
The Jets' consecutive losses have left them with little to no chance of making the playoffs. But don't tell this group of dreamers that they can't lose in the AFC Championship for a third straight year! Unfortunately for them, they're going up against the Miami Dolphins, a team that loves nothing more than crushing people's dreams.
Dolphins 23-20
San Francisco @ St. Louis
The 49ers have a chance at a first round bye with a win in this game. Luckily for them, they have a bye this week as well. I know that that is the second time I've made the joke that playing the Rams is like a bye week, but c'mon, they just lost 27-0 to a team that started Charlie Batch at quarterback; I'd give these guys credit if they did anything to deserve it. Coincidentally that was the same motto when I went to film school.
49ers 20-3
Detroit @ Green Bay
The Packers have a chance to be only the fourth team in the last 25 years to finish 15-1 or better. Obviously that would be something a team would strive for, however, none of the last three teams to do it have won the Super Bowl ('98 Vikings, '04 Steelers, '07 Patriots). So, should the Packers really want to win this game? From the looks of it the answer is no, because they will most likely rest their key starters.
Lions 27-20
Washington @ Philadelphia
So the Eagles late charge to win the NFC East and salvage a respectable season has fallen short. DeSean Jackson must be pissed that he was convinced to try for the last three weeks. But was it all for naught? Yes, as I just explained they cannot make the playoffs and they greatly underachieved. You need to start paying attention asshole.
Eagles 27-17
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
A win for the Colts would be their third straight to close out the season and seriously jeopardize their chances for the first pick in the draft. This approach to end of the season by Indianapolis is both admirable and foolish. They're like the Ulysses of the NFL (there it is, my weekly Greek mythology reference; a fun task for dedicated readers would be to go back and find the other 16 throughout the season, but beware, they are not nearly as overt).
Colts 17-14
Tennessee @ Houston
Lat week the Titans game finished with a score of 23-17 yet again. That makes 4 out of their last 6 that have finished with that score. The other two during that stretch ended up 22-17 and 27-13. The only explanation here is that someone is just writing Tennessee's season and they've gotten very lazy in terms of the scores. I mean, even 27-13 has all the same numbers. If the chips fall correctly we could see this same match-up next week in the first round of the playoffs, and if the Titans are involved I think we know what the score will be thanks to their season's unimaginative author.
Titans 23-17
Sunday Afternoon
Seattle @ Arizona
Last week seemed to be an accurate summation of the Hawks' season. Flashes of hope, solid defense for most of it, a stretch where the team seemed dead in the water only to come back to life, and Skittles. All things considered I've had a fun time watching the Hawks this year and I'm proud of the way they played in the second half of the season. They easily could have rolled over and died after starting 2-6 but they did the opposite, which I guess would look something like this. So in the end, does it really matter if they get the win this week in Arizona? Fuck yes. Let's get to .500!!!
Seahawks 24-18
Kansas City @ Denver
What has happened to Tebow? Is it possible that he doesn't have the magic anymore? I don't think so. It's more likely that he's just testing our faith before the greatest trial of all, the playoffs. Well I still believe Tim. But seriously, you might want to win this game otherwise the playoffs aren't necessarily a lock ... Oop, there I go again, not trusting Him. Teebs, you do what you have to do.
Broncos 16-13
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
The Bucs are on the verge of finishing the season on a 10 game losing streak after starting out 4-2. I'm not sure if that's ever been done before, and frankly I don't have the time to go looking something like that up, but it sure seems like an anomaly eh? So when it comes to picking this game, if it ain't broke don't fix it. And if it is broke (which it is in this case) then don't even try to fix it, it will just be embarrassing for everyone involved.
Falcons 26-14
Baltimore @ Cincinnati
This game will be Cincinnati's 2nd sellout of the season. Perhaps the Bengals should take a dive just to teach their fans a lesson. Of course, that may backfire on them considering that the fans weren't interested in the regular season games, meaning that postseason action would probably be something of a chore for the people of Cincinnati.
Ravens 19-16
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Browns win. Not wacky enough for you? Look, I'm tired, so damn tired. I can't always just drum up something so wacky at the drop of a hat like I'm Willy fucking Wonka or something.
Browns 14-13
San Diego @ Oakland
Now that the Chargers are officially out of the playoffs look for them to be about as enthusiastic as this guy. Meanwhile, the Raiders will still be trying for the win and a playoff berth, but if my earlier pick is any indication (and it usually is) their effort will be pointless.
Raiders 31-20
Sunday Night
Dallas @ New York Giants
The Cowboys have been the worst Sunday Night team all year. And by that I don't mean that they are the worst team to play in a Sunday Night game (Colts, twice), I mean they have the worst record in Sunday Night games, at 0-3. That's the worst season on NBC since The Cape. If this Sunday Night match-up feels like deja vu it's because we saw these two play on a Sunday Night just three weeks ago. And if me saying Sunday Night feels like deja vu it's because I've now typed it six times in this paragraph. Will the result be the same as the last meeting? Hard to tell. You know what they say about trying to predict Sunday Night games: Sunday Night is Sunday Night.
Cowboys 30-27
Sunday Morning
Carolina @ New Orleans
The Panthers have been hot down the stretch, meaning that they will most likely be a trendy pick to get to the playoffs next season. Well, I'll do you one better, I think they'll make the playoffs THIS year! What's that? Impossible? That's weird, I was under the assumption that a 7-9 record automatically gets a team in the playoffs. Fine, I'll just go with the safe pick then.
Saints 31-24
Buffalo @ New England
The Patriots need a win to clinch the #1 seed in the AFC, while a win for the Bills would put them in play for the #10 seed. In case you're wondering, no, the NFL has not expanded the playoffs to 10 teams per conference, but hey 10 is better than 11; unless, of course, you're talking about draft positioning, in which case it is much worse. Due to the motivation factor I'll take New England
Patriots 30-10
Chicago @ Minnesota
The Bears are kicking themselves that they waited so long to make the switch at quarterback from Caleb Hanie to Josh McCown. They should also be kicking themselves that they've waited so long to reveal that they can kick themselves. A bear kicking itself is a huge draw at circuses around the globe.
Bears 20-17
New York Jets @ Miami
The Jets' consecutive losses have left them with little to no chance of making the playoffs. But don't tell this group of dreamers that they can't lose in the AFC Championship for a third straight year! Unfortunately for them, they're going up against the Miami Dolphins, a team that loves nothing more than crushing people's dreams.
Dolphins 23-20
San Francisco @ St. Louis
The 49ers have a chance at a first round bye with a win in this game. Luckily for them, they have a bye this week as well. I know that that is the second time I've made the joke that playing the Rams is like a bye week, but c'mon, they just lost 27-0 to a team that started Charlie Batch at quarterback; I'd give these guys credit if they did anything to deserve it. Coincidentally that was the same motto when I went to film school.
49ers 20-3
Detroit @ Green Bay
The Packers have a chance to be only the fourth team in the last 25 years to finish 15-1 or better. Obviously that would be something a team would strive for, however, none of the last three teams to do it have won the Super Bowl ('98 Vikings, '04 Steelers, '07 Patriots). So, should the Packers really want to win this game? From the looks of it the answer is no, because they will most likely rest their key starters.
Lions 27-20
Washington @ Philadelphia
So the Eagles late charge to win the NFC East and salvage a respectable season has fallen short. DeSean Jackson must be pissed that he was convinced to try for the last three weeks. But was it all for naught? Yes, as I just explained they cannot make the playoffs and they greatly underachieved. You need to start paying attention asshole.
Eagles 27-17
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
A win for the Colts would be their third straight to close out the season and seriously jeopardize their chances for the first pick in the draft. This approach to end of the season by Indianapolis is both admirable and foolish. They're like the Ulysses of the NFL (there it is, my weekly Greek mythology reference; a fun task for dedicated readers would be to go back and find the other 16 throughout the season, but beware, they are not nearly as overt).
Colts 17-14
Tennessee @ Houston
Lat week the Titans game finished with a score of 23-17 yet again. That makes 4 out of their last 6 that have finished with that score. The other two during that stretch ended up 22-17 and 27-13. The only explanation here is that someone is just writing Tennessee's season and they've gotten very lazy in terms of the scores. I mean, even 27-13 has all the same numbers. If the chips fall correctly we could see this same match-up next week in the first round of the playoffs, and if the Titans are involved I think we know what the score will be thanks to their season's unimaginative author.
Titans 23-17
Sunday Afternoon
Seattle @ Arizona
Last week seemed to be an accurate summation of the Hawks' season. Flashes of hope, solid defense for most of it, a stretch where the team seemed dead in the water only to come back to life, and Skittles. All things considered I've had a fun time watching the Hawks this year and I'm proud of the way they played in the second half of the season. They easily could have rolled over and died after starting 2-6 but they did the opposite, which I guess would look something like this. So in the end, does it really matter if they get the win this week in Arizona? Fuck yes. Let's get to .500!!!
Seahawks 24-18
Kansas City @ Denver
What has happened to Tebow? Is it possible that he doesn't have the magic anymore? I don't think so. It's more likely that he's just testing our faith before the greatest trial of all, the playoffs. Well I still believe Tim. But seriously, you might want to win this game otherwise the playoffs aren't necessarily a lock ... Oop, there I go again, not trusting Him. Teebs, you do what you have to do.
Broncos 16-13
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
The Bucs are on the verge of finishing the season on a 10 game losing streak after starting out 4-2. I'm not sure if that's ever been done before, and frankly I don't have the time to go looking something like that up, but it sure seems like an anomaly eh? So when it comes to picking this game, if it ain't broke don't fix it. And if it is broke (which it is in this case) then don't even try to fix it, it will just be embarrassing for everyone involved.
Falcons 26-14
Baltimore @ Cincinnati
This game will be Cincinnati's 2nd sellout of the season. Perhaps the Bengals should take a dive just to teach their fans a lesson. Of course, that may backfire on them considering that the fans weren't interested in the regular season games, meaning that postseason action would probably be something of a chore for the people of Cincinnati.
Ravens 19-16
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Browns win. Not wacky enough for you? Look, I'm tired, so damn tired. I can't always just drum up something so wacky at the drop of a hat like I'm Willy fucking Wonka or something.
Browns 14-13
San Diego @ Oakland
Now that the Chargers are officially out of the playoffs look for them to be about as enthusiastic as this guy. Meanwhile, the Raiders will still be trying for the win and a playoff berth, but if my earlier pick is any indication (and it usually is) their effort will be pointless.
Raiders 31-20
Sunday Night
Dallas @ New York Giants
The Cowboys have been the worst Sunday Night team all year. And by that I don't mean that they are the worst team to play in a Sunday Night game (Colts, twice), I mean they have the worst record in Sunday Night games, at 0-3. That's the worst season on NBC since The Cape. If this Sunday Night match-up feels like deja vu it's because we saw these two play on a Sunday Night just three weeks ago. And if me saying Sunday Night feels like deja vu it's because I've now typed it six times in this paragraph. Will the result be the same as the last meeting? Hard to tell. You know what they say about trying to predict Sunday Night games: Sunday Night is Sunday Night.
Cowboys 30-27
12.22.2011
NFL Picks Week 16
Christmas is here, but like the rest of you, I've already had my holiday and subsequent Summer movie season ruined by the sight of Hines Ward in the new Batman trailer. Before I start breaking my computer let's get to the picks.
Saturday Morning
Oakland @ Kansas City
I've been following the Raiders pretty closely this year, mostly due to the fact that they're featured prominently at the Shack (the bar where I watch games on Sunday, to clarify for everyone outside of LA). But I haven't really minded having them shoved down my throat, in fact, I even rooted for them in most games. Well, not anymore. Go to hell Raiders. These jerks managed to blow a 13 point fourth quarter, losing by 1 point after they neglected to try for a two-point conversion when they made the score 26-14 with 7:47 in the game. Nice work ya dildos. Of course, my vitriol comes as a result of the team that Oakland blew the lead to, the Detroit Lions, a team full of a-holes from who the Seahawks sorely needed a loss. Anyway, I've gotten over it.
Chiefs 20-3
Jacksonville @ Tennessee
The Titans lost to the Colts last week, giving Indy their first win. The good news for Tennessee? They get to play the Jaguars this week, who may be an even worse team.
Titans 20-10
Miami @ New England
As we all know, the Dolphins have been on a tear lately, not quite a Hawks-ian tear, but 5 out of 7 isn't bad, especially when they started out 0-7. Miami's new-found winning ways will be put to the test this Saturday when they visit the Patriots, and this will not be an open-notes test either. That's right, the Dolphins' players and coaching staff will not be allowed to look at their playbooks whatsoever during the game. This may seem unfair, and it is.
Patriots 30-17
Arizona @ Cincinnati
For as much as the Bengals have stumbled in the second half of the season (2-4 so far), they still find themselves with a decent shot of getting the last Wild Card in the AFC. When you look at their schedule though, Cincy has only lost to quality teams, which is bad news for them this week, because the Cardinals are now just that. How is Arizona doing it? Mostly through solid defense, good special teams and a healthy amount of luck down the stretch. In other words, they're the Broncos but without the help from Jesus, which makes their stretch all the more impressive. Unfortunately, the Cards have to travel to Cincinnati this week, a city devoid of any sort of luck; that doesn't bode well for them.
Bengals 20-16
Denver @ Buffalo
Early indications are that this game will not be a sell-out. A Stinger? With Tim Tebow in town? On the eve of Jesus's birth? Something doesn't add up here. On second thought, the Bills' 7 straight losses make the lack of ticket sales a bit more understandable. And when you factor in the fact that the defense has now given up 26 points per game on the season it's not hard to see why Buffalo is losing ... unless you live in Buffalo, where you can't see the games at all.
Broncos 27-20
St. Louis @ Pittsburgh
With both teams' normal starting quarterbacks highly questionable for this game we could get to see the Kellen Clemens/Charlie Batch match-up that we've all been clamoring for ever since Clemens came to the NFL. So, in other words, if you're not watching this game you must already have plans on Christmas Eve, though I can't imagine that they would be more entertaining or important than this instant classic. In the end it will probably be decided by which team is the Rams. Because the Rams are the Rams, they will most likely lose.
Steelers 20-6
New York Giants @ New York Jets
Ayyy ohhhh! Pass the pastrami and ya mamma mia's googatz, it's the battle of New York! My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Giants score the game winning touchdown on a Statue of Liberty play (WIIIINNNNNNK).
Giants 24-21
Minnesota @ Washington
The Redskins managed to get their 2nd win in 10 games last week, ruining my two month long prediction that they would only win one of those ten. So congrats Washington, you proved me wrong by going 2-8. I actually watched a clip of one of the Skins giving a post game locker-room speech after their win over the Giants in which he opined that if "...they played like that every week they could be first in the NFC East ..." I have to agree with him, if Washington played well every week, they'd probably be doing better, but they haven't because they're not very good. That being said, they're better than the visiting Vikings ... probably.
Redskins 27-23
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
The Panthers are yet another late-bloomer team, having won three of their last four. One of those wins came at Tampa, a "team" who has lost their last eight, including a huge loss to Jacksonville that looks all the more pathetic after the Jags' major cream job loss in Atlanta last week. To snap their streak, the Bucs will need a Christmas Eve miracle, which as we all know is not as good as a Christmas miracle, but it's like at least you get to open one miracle ya know? It's better than no miracles at all, but man I can't wait till Christmas morning to see what that big miracle under the tree is. (NOTE: I may have briefly confused the words miracle and presents)
Panthers 35-20
Cleveland @ Baltimore
It's beginning to seem like Joe Flacco is actually afraid of playing a home playoff game. All the Ravens have to do is win their last two games to secure such a position, but if their effort against the Chargers from last week is any indication, they aren't necessarily motivated to do so. In a way it makes sense, playing road playoff games is all the FlacMan knows. Since coming into the league in '08 FlacMan is 4-3 in road playoff games, winning at least one every postseason. His record in home playoff games? 0-0. So what's happening here is akin to what happens when a man who was raised by wolves attempts to assimilate into human society. It will take time for FlacMan to learn that playing home playoff games is something natural and desirable to people, but until then all bets are off (NOTE: Never bet on wolfmen, unless of course you're talking basketball, a sport in which wolfmen and werewolves alike are dominant).
Ravens 23-10
Saturday Afternoon
San Diego @ Detroit
I've never rooted for Philip Rivers, a statement that I'm proud to make. Unfortunately, I will no longer be able to say that after Saturday (yet another reason I'm pissed at the Raiders). It's a frightening proposition, but one that I embark on with great zeal and defiance. As for this game, get ready for some points ... You're just sitting there ... I said get ready asshole! Fine, forget it, but when this game turns into a shootout don't say I didn't warn you.
Chargers 38-35
Philadelphia @ Dallas
Most folks were shocked to hear that the Eagles still had a shot to win the NFC East even though their record is only 6-8, which is odd, because you would think that the ceaseless media coverage of that division would keep the nation fully abreast of every possible playoff permutation within it. Yet here we are. I honestly have no idea what to make of this game because these teams have been so maddeningly inconsistent throughout the season. One thing's for sure, we should see some serious fireworks ... or not; see previous sentence.
Cowboys 31-26
San Francisco @ Seattle
Marshawn Lynch has scored 11 rushing touchdowns in his last 11 games. The 49ers have yet to allow a rushing touchdown this season. Now we will see what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object. That statement hasn't been used so accurately since this (3 things I love about this video: 1. Jack Tunney mentions that both wrestler's lawyers are present; shouldn't Warrior's legal council have advised him to not wear the face paint to that meeting? 2. The point-of-view shots; if they really wanted us to believe that this signing actually took place how the hell did they get those camera angles? 3. Hogan just saying, "Sign" after Warrior's nonsensical diatribe; he sounds more than a little fed up). Here's hoping that the CLink is fully stocked with Skittles, because Beast Mode wants to taste the rainbow. I wrote the preceding sentence solely to confuse a time-traveler that just got here from the start of the season.
Seahawks 20-13
Sunday Night
Chicago @ Green Bay
I understand that the Bears feel they are giving themselves their best chance to win by starting Josh McCown, but have they thought about the ramifications of their decision? Now we have to hear Chris Berman make his hackneyed (and lame to begin with) "tears of McCown" joke. Thanks a pant-load Lovie Smith. It's possible that the Packers will already have home-field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs wrapped up by Christmas (take that Berman) but I'm guessing that they won't lay down against Chicago. And even if we do see Matt Flynn get the start, that will still be good enough.
Packers 27-10
Monday Night
Atlanta @ New Orleans
Coming into this game Drew Brees is only about 300 yards away from breaking Dan Marino's single season record for passing yards. Dan, your thoughts? Yikes. Having a little trouble with the teleprompter Dan? Ok, but seriously we better wrap this up before Marino kills us all.
Saints 30-20
Saturday Morning
Oakland @ Kansas City
I've been following the Raiders pretty closely this year, mostly due to the fact that they're featured prominently at the Shack (the bar where I watch games on Sunday, to clarify for everyone outside of LA). But I haven't really minded having them shoved down my throat, in fact, I even rooted for them in most games. Well, not anymore. Go to hell Raiders. These jerks managed to blow a 13 point fourth quarter, losing by 1 point after they neglected to try for a two-point conversion when they made the score 26-14 with 7:47 in the game. Nice work ya dildos. Of course, my vitriol comes as a result of the team that Oakland blew the lead to, the Detroit Lions, a team full of a-holes from who the Seahawks sorely needed a loss. Anyway, I've gotten over it.
Chiefs 20-3
Jacksonville @ Tennessee
The Titans lost to the Colts last week, giving Indy their first win. The good news for Tennessee? They get to play the Jaguars this week, who may be an even worse team.
Titans 20-10
Miami @ New England
As we all know, the Dolphins have been on a tear lately, not quite a Hawks-ian tear, but 5 out of 7 isn't bad, especially when they started out 0-7. Miami's new-found winning ways will be put to the test this Saturday when they visit the Patriots, and this will not be an open-notes test either. That's right, the Dolphins' players and coaching staff will not be allowed to look at their playbooks whatsoever during the game. This may seem unfair, and it is.
Patriots 30-17
Arizona @ Cincinnati
For as much as the Bengals have stumbled in the second half of the season (2-4 so far), they still find themselves with a decent shot of getting the last Wild Card in the AFC. When you look at their schedule though, Cincy has only lost to quality teams, which is bad news for them this week, because the Cardinals are now just that. How is Arizona doing it? Mostly through solid defense, good special teams and a healthy amount of luck down the stretch. In other words, they're the Broncos but without the help from Jesus, which makes their stretch all the more impressive. Unfortunately, the Cards have to travel to Cincinnati this week, a city devoid of any sort of luck; that doesn't bode well for them.
Bengals 20-16
Denver @ Buffalo
Early indications are that this game will not be a sell-out. A Stinger? With Tim Tebow in town? On the eve of Jesus's birth? Something doesn't add up here. On second thought, the Bills' 7 straight losses make the lack of ticket sales a bit more understandable. And when you factor in the fact that the defense has now given up 26 points per game on the season it's not hard to see why Buffalo is losing ... unless you live in Buffalo, where you can't see the games at all.
Broncos 27-20
St. Louis @ Pittsburgh
With both teams' normal starting quarterbacks highly questionable for this game we could get to see the Kellen Clemens/Charlie Batch match-up that we've all been clamoring for ever since Clemens came to the NFL. So, in other words, if you're not watching this game you must already have plans on Christmas Eve, though I can't imagine that they would be more entertaining or important than this instant classic. In the end it will probably be decided by which team is the Rams. Because the Rams are the Rams, they will most likely lose.
Steelers 20-6
New York Giants @ New York Jets
Ayyy ohhhh! Pass the pastrami and ya mamma mia's googatz, it's the battle of New York! My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Giants score the game winning touchdown on a Statue of Liberty play (WIIIINNNNNNK).
Giants 24-21
Minnesota @ Washington
The Redskins managed to get their 2nd win in 10 games last week, ruining my two month long prediction that they would only win one of those ten. So congrats Washington, you proved me wrong by going 2-8. I actually watched a clip of one of the Skins giving a post game locker-room speech after their win over the Giants in which he opined that if "...they played like that every week they could be first in the NFC East ..." I have to agree with him, if Washington played well every week, they'd probably be doing better, but they haven't because they're not very good. That being said, they're better than the visiting Vikings ... probably.
Redskins 27-23
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
The Panthers are yet another late-bloomer team, having won three of their last four. One of those wins came at Tampa, a "team" who has lost their last eight, including a huge loss to Jacksonville that looks all the more pathetic after the Jags' major cream job loss in Atlanta last week. To snap their streak, the Bucs will need a Christmas Eve miracle, which as we all know is not as good as a Christmas miracle, but it's like at least you get to open one miracle ya know? It's better than no miracles at all, but man I can't wait till Christmas morning to see what that big miracle under the tree is. (NOTE: I may have briefly confused the words miracle and presents)
Panthers 35-20
Cleveland @ Baltimore
It's beginning to seem like Joe Flacco is actually afraid of playing a home playoff game. All the Ravens have to do is win their last two games to secure such a position, but if their effort against the Chargers from last week is any indication, they aren't necessarily motivated to do so. In a way it makes sense, playing road playoff games is all the FlacMan knows. Since coming into the league in '08 FlacMan is 4-3 in road playoff games, winning at least one every postseason. His record in home playoff games? 0-0. So what's happening here is akin to what happens when a man who was raised by wolves attempts to assimilate into human society. It will take time for FlacMan to learn that playing home playoff games is something natural and desirable to people, but until then all bets are off (NOTE: Never bet on wolfmen, unless of course you're talking basketball, a sport in which wolfmen and werewolves alike are dominant).
Ravens 23-10
Saturday Afternoon
San Diego @ Detroit
I've never rooted for Philip Rivers, a statement that I'm proud to make. Unfortunately, I will no longer be able to say that after Saturday (yet another reason I'm pissed at the Raiders). It's a frightening proposition, but one that I embark on with great zeal and defiance. As for this game, get ready for some points ... You're just sitting there ... I said get ready asshole! Fine, forget it, but when this game turns into a shootout don't say I didn't warn you.
Chargers 38-35
Philadelphia @ Dallas
Most folks were shocked to hear that the Eagles still had a shot to win the NFC East even though their record is only 6-8, which is odd, because you would think that the ceaseless media coverage of that division would keep the nation fully abreast of every possible playoff permutation within it. Yet here we are. I honestly have no idea what to make of this game because these teams have been so maddeningly inconsistent throughout the season. One thing's for sure, we should see some serious fireworks ... or not; see previous sentence.
Cowboys 31-26
San Francisco @ Seattle
Marshawn Lynch has scored 11 rushing touchdowns in his last 11 games. The 49ers have yet to allow a rushing touchdown this season. Now we will see what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object. That statement hasn't been used so accurately since this (3 things I love about this video: 1. Jack Tunney mentions that both wrestler's lawyers are present; shouldn't Warrior's legal council have advised him to not wear the face paint to that meeting? 2. The point-of-view shots; if they really wanted us to believe that this signing actually took place how the hell did they get those camera angles? 3. Hogan just saying, "Sign" after Warrior's nonsensical diatribe; he sounds more than a little fed up). Here's hoping that the CLink is fully stocked with Skittles, because Beast Mode wants to taste the rainbow. I wrote the preceding sentence solely to confuse a time-traveler that just got here from the start of the season.
Seahawks 20-13
Sunday Night
Chicago @ Green Bay
I understand that the Bears feel they are giving themselves their best chance to win by starting Josh McCown, but have they thought about the ramifications of their decision? Now we have to hear Chris Berman make his hackneyed (and lame to begin with) "tears of McCown" joke. Thanks a pant-load Lovie Smith. It's possible that the Packers will already have home-field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs wrapped up by Christmas (take that Berman) but I'm guessing that they won't lay down against Chicago. And even if we do see Matt Flynn get the start, that will still be good enough.
Packers 27-10
Monday Night
Atlanta @ New Orleans
Coming into this game Drew Brees is only about 300 yards away from breaking Dan Marino's single season record for passing yards. Dan, your thoughts? Yikes. Having a little trouble with the teleprompter Dan? Ok, but seriously we better wrap this up before Marino kills us all.
Saints 30-20
Bark(ley)ing Up the Wrong Tree
The 2012 QB class took a bit of a hit today as Matt Barkley announced that he will return to USC for his Senior year. I wonder if he asked Matt Leinart for advice before making this decision.
Week 16 - Thursday Night
Houston @ Indianapolis
For a few weeks the Texans looked like a gutsy team that was winning despite multiple costly injuries. But after last week's 15 point home loss to the Panthers they seem more like a team that was hanging on by the skin of their teeth. And now that Andre Johnson is missing another game that skin might just be ripped right off, which sounds like a bad thing, but when you think about it, why would anyone want skin on their teeth? That would be gross. Would you even be able to chew properly? And don't even get me started on the problems it would present in terms of brushing. Meanwhile, the Colts teeth were kicked out long ago, but they managed to gum the Titans to death last week for their first win of the season. So which team will show more bite (ahhh thank you) in this contest? I don't want to rule out an Indy win, but why would they go and blow their draft position like that? (Though, being toothless makes them pretty good at blowing things)
Texans 16-9
For a few weeks the Texans looked like a gutsy team that was winning despite multiple costly injuries. But after last week's 15 point home loss to the Panthers they seem more like a team that was hanging on by the skin of their teeth. And now that Andre Johnson is missing another game that skin might just be ripped right off, which sounds like a bad thing, but when you think about it, why would anyone want skin on their teeth? That would be gross. Would you even be able to chew properly? And don't even get me started on the problems it would present in terms of brushing. Meanwhile, the Colts teeth were kicked out long ago, but they managed to gum the Titans to death last week for their first win of the season. So which team will show more bite (ahhh thank you) in this contest? I don't want to rule out an Indy win, but why would they go and blow their draft position like that? (Though, being toothless makes them pretty good at blowing things)
Texans 16-9
12.15.2011
NFL Picks Week 15
Saturday Night
Dallas @ Tampa Bay
After taking a four week (weeks 7-10) respite from playing terribly dramatic games, the Cowboys have revealed their true attention-whore selves again. Their last four games have been filled with lead changes, comebacks, smiles, occasional frowns, broken ankles, and the first ever icing of ones own kicker. Does this mean we're in for another suspense-filled match-up when Dallas takes on Tampa? Not so fast. We should also look at the pattern in the Bucs' schedule. One noticeable re-occurrence in the last seven weeks is the L next to all of Tampa's games. That's right, they've dropped seven in a row, and not one of them has been entertaining (and if any of them have been, no one's noticed). This makes the Cowboys the obvious pick, but I predict at least one lead change (and if I'm wrong and the game ends in a 0-0 tie, I'll be equally as happy, I've been praying for that score for years).
Cowboys 34-17
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ Chicago
After his legendary run in last season's playoffs Marshawn Lynch has a lifetime free pass from me. Even if he were to play poorly I wouldn't be upset with him because of that run, everything from that point on is icing on the cake. So now that Marshawn has gone into prolonged Beast Mode, that cake has more icing than those ones that you get from Costco that really push the limits of how much is too much. But at this point, who cares, let's just keep piling icing on until the cake collapses. Er, no, don't collapse the cake. Damn it, I got lost in my own analogy. The point is this, Beast Mode is fully engaged, and Caleb Hanie sucks. A + B = Hawks win!
Seahawks 20-17
Carolina @ Houston
These teams had polar opposite performances last week. The Panthers had a 16 point lead going into the half and couldn't come away with the win. Meanwhile, the Texans were down 13 at halftime and came back to win in the final seconds. If we do some simple math it's clear that Houston will have a 30 point comeback victory. But math don't mean nothing in the NFL, and neither does proper English.
Texans 23-16
Washington @ New York Giants
Just when you think you can count the Giants out they win one game and are somehow back in first place. After a big win like the one they had last week, the Giants usually like to follow it up with a stinker. It would be like delivering an eloquent speech in front of a crowd of your respected peers and then unloading a giant fart into the microphone (which would be very similar to my final presentation in Public Speaking Freshman year). But, as much as I'd like to pick the Skins in an upset, this will be their 9th loss in 10 games, just as I predicted a couple months ago. I can't waver now.
Giants 28-23
Miami @ Buffalo
This is a very important game ... for bars that don't have enough TVs to accommodate all the morning games. This one makes it an easy choice as to what not to watch. The Bills have managed to lose six straight games after starting 5-2. Meanwhile, Tony Sparano has fulfilled his destiny and become an unemployed football coach. So who wins this abysmal match-up? As I said before, no one will turn the game on, so the world may never know.
Dolphins 19-16
New Orleans @ Minnesota
Joe Webb relieved Christian Ponder in the Vikings' last game and really turned some heads, including his own. That missed face-mask call was really a blessing in disguise for Minnesota, in that they remain in the hunt for the second pick in the draft. And as we all know, that second pick will get them .... ummm, someone not as good as Andrew Luck? He's really the only pro prospect I've heard of so far. Help me DGP! Speaking of help, the Saints should help the Vikings in their continued march toward what I trust will be a quality rookie.
Saints 35-20
Cincinnati @ St. Louis
After Week 9 the Bengals were 6-2 and the #1 seed in the AFC. Following that they've promptly lost 4 of their next 5. Clearly they got flustered when the expectations grew and the pressure was on, in other words, they looked a lot like this guy (that's the 2nd Ted Striker link this season, bonus points to whoever can find which week the first one was). The good news for Cincy is that they get a semi-bye week with this trip to St. Louis. The bad news is that their playoff chances may have already crashed and burned like so many a fighter jet over Macho Grande.
Bengals 20-10
Tennessee @ Indianapolis
It was a very emotional experience for me to watch Matthew Hasselbeck and Jake Locker team up to nearly upset the Saints last week. I gazed at the screen with such wonder as two Seattle sports legends played their hearts out for ... Tennessee? I guess that's the lesson here, when someone is forced to leave Seattle they lose the will to win. Sure they can get close to making amazing things happen, but ultimately they'll fall short. Fortunately for the Titans, beating the Colts does not qualify as an amazing thing, so whoever gets the go for Tennessee should be able pull a Seattle and get the win. By the way, the Titans string of 23-17 games fell short by one in last week's 22-17 loss to New Orleans. Nice try guys, I'm not fooled.
Titans 23-17
Green Bay @ Kansas City
Surely the Chiefs were shocked last week to find out that 10 points didn't get the job done for the second week in a row, but that shouldn't come as a surprise. Yes, it worked against the Bears, but most everything works against the Bears, except for running uphill, do NOT run uphill if a bear is chasing you (note: not advice for beating the Chicago Bears, just normal bears). In Tyler Palko's career as a starter the Chiefs have put up a combined 32 points. What's the point you may be wondering? The point is that Kansas City will need more points this week than Tyler Palko has been able to put up in six games. That won't happen. Say it with me everybody .... CREAM JOB! (you all shouted it right?)
Packers 38-14
Sunday Afternoon
Detroit @ Oakland
It's the league's dirtiest team (Detroit) against the league's most heavily penalized team (Oakland). The NFL should just throw out the rules for this one and make it a hardcore match. Anything goes! Chairs? Sure. Brass knucks? You bet. A steel cage around the field? I don't see why not. Two teams enter, one team leaves. The other team stays because they were playing a home game and they have no reason to leave.
Raiders 34-31
New England @ Denver
It took me a while to figure out what was happening in Denver, but I finally pinned it down. It's Angels in the Outfield. The Broncos clearly have otherworldly assistance in these games and I'm pretty sure I saw this guy in the crowd last week. I'm telling you, don't be surprised if John Fox adopts two orphans at the end of the season. One thing is bizarre though, if the angels were trying to be inconspicuous why did one of them decide to play for the team? And at quarterback no less.
Broncos 24-21
New York Jets @ Philadelphia
The Jets have won their last three after struggling to a 5-5 mark. So what's changed in the last few weeks? To find the answer we need to look at what put them at 5-5 ... they were Tebowed. Is it possible that merely being in His presence made them a better football team, and indeed better people? Foolish, right? Well let's take a look at other teams who have been, Tebowed. The Dolphins won 4 of their next 6 after Tebow (henceforth referred to as A.T.). The Raiders won their next three A.T.. And the Chargers have won back to back games A.T.. What makes it more amazing is that none of those teams had a winning record immediately A.T., yet they were able to reel off multiple wins in the subsequent weeks. Everything this guy touches turns to gold! His majesty knows no bounds! Because of the Tebow Effect, the Jets are the pick.
Jets 24-17
Cleveland @ Arizona
Is it possible that the Cardinals and Seahawks got together about six weeks ago and agreed that it would be more fun if their game in the last week of the season meant something? Probably not. It would be a real hassle for all 100+ players to travel to the same location just to agree on something. If anything they probably texted each other. Whatever the method of communication, the two teams have drastically improved and kept their playoff hopes on life support. Obviously the Browns won't be the one to pull the plug on the Cards.
Cardinals 21-16
Sunday Night
Baltimore @ San Diego
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that at halftime of this game Phil Rivers tries to pull a Johnny Moxon style revolt on his out of touch, inept, and possibly abusive head coach. The only problem is that it will have the reverse effect. Rivers will run out of the locker room and find that no one is following him. Norv Turner will then lead his team out to the field with their new starting quarterback Billy Volek, at which point they'll lose terribly. They probably should have followed Rivers. (Note: predicted final score does not reflect Wacky Pick, making it all the more wacky)
Ravens 25-22
Monday Night
Pittsburgh @ San Francisco
After starting out 9-1 the Niners have now dropped two of their last three causing Jim Harbaugh's chin to jut out further than Zack Morris's, post crotch-grab (one out of five people will get that, and that's not a ratio, one of the five people who read this will get that). Meanwhile, the Steelers have won 8 of their last 9 to match San Fran's 10-3 record. If Ben Roethlisberger plays, Pittsburgh has to be the favorite. If he doesn't, San Francisco is the favorite. I should point out now that I'm using that term strictly to mean the favored team. Let me make it very clear that neither of these teams is my favorite. Far from it, in fact, just having to write about this game makes me upset.
Steelers 17-13
Dallas @ Tampa Bay
After taking a four week (weeks 7-10) respite from playing terribly dramatic games, the Cowboys have revealed their true attention-whore selves again. Their last four games have been filled with lead changes, comebacks, smiles, occasional frowns, broken ankles, and the first ever icing of ones own kicker. Does this mean we're in for another suspense-filled match-up when Dallas takes on Tampa? Not so fast. We should also look at the pattern in the Bucs' schedule. One noticeable re-occurrence in the last seven weeks is the L next to all of Tampa's games. That's right, they've dropped seven in a row, and not one of them has been entertaining (and if any of them have been, no one's noticed). This makes the Cowboys the obvious pick, but I predict at least one lead change (and if I'm wrong and the game ends in a 0-0 tie, I'll be equally as happy, I've been praying for that score for years).
Cowboys 34-17
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ Chicago
After his legendary run in last season's playoffs Marshawn Lynch has a lifetime free pass from me. Even if he were to play poorly I wouldn't be upset with him because of that run, everything from that point on is icing on the cake. So now that Marshawn has gone into prolonged Beast Mode, that cake has more icing than those ones that you get from Costco that really push the limits of how much is too much. But at this point, who cares, let's just keep piling icing on until the cake collapses. Er, no, don't collapse the cake. Damn it, I got lost in my own analogy. The point is this, Beast Mode is fully engaged, and Caleb Hanie sucks. A + B = Hawks win!
Seahawks 20-17
Carolina @ Houston
These teams had polar opposite performances last week. The Panthers had a 16 point lead going into the half and couldn't come away with the win. Meanwhile, the Texans were down 13 at halftime and came back to win in the final seconds. If we do some simple math it's clear that Houston will have a 30 point comeback victory. But math don't mean nothing in the NFL, and neither does proper English.
Texans 23-16
Washington @ New York Giants
Just when you think you can count the Giants out they win one game and are somehow back in first place. After a big win like the one they had last week, the Giants usually like to follow it up with a stinker. It would be like delivering an eloquent speech in front of a crowd of your respected peers and then unloading a giant fart into the microphone (which would be very similar to my final presentation in Public Speaking Freshman year). But, as much as I'd like to pick the Skins in an upset, this will be their 9th loss in 10 games, just as I predicted a couple months ago. I can't waver now.
Giants 28-23
Miami @ Buffalo
This is a very important game ... for bars that don't have enough TVs to accommodate all the morning games. This one makes it an easy choice as to what not to watch. The Bills have managed to lose six straight games after starting 5-2. Meanwhile, Tony Sparano has fulfilled his destiny and become an unemployed football coach. So who wins this abysmal match-up? As I said before, no one will turn the game on, so the world may never know.
Dolphins 19-16
New Orleans @ Minnesota
Joe Webb relieved Christian Ponder in the Vikings' last game and really turned some heads, including his own. That missed face-mask call was really a blessing in disguise for Minnesota, in that they remain in the hunt for the second pick in the draft. And as we all know, that second pick will get them .... ummm, someone not as good as Andrew Luck? He's really the only pro prospect I've heard of so far. Help me DGP! Speaking of help, the Saints should help the Vikings in their continued march toward what I trust will be a quality rookie.
Saints 35-20
Cincinnati @ St. Louis
After Week 9 the Bengals were 6-2 and the #1 seed in the AFC. Following that they've promptly lost 4 of their next 5. Clearly they got flustered when the expectations grew and the pressure was on, in other words, they looked a lot like this guy (that's the 2nd Ted Striker link this season, bonus points to whoever can find which week the first one was). The good news for Cincy is that they get a semi-bye week with this trip to St. Louis. The bad news is that their playoff chances may have already crashed and burned like so many a fighter jet over Macho Grande.
Bengals 20-10
Tennessee @ Indianapolis
It was a very emotional experience for me to watch Matthew Hasselbeck and Jake Locker team up to nearly upset the Saints last week. I gazed at the screen with such wonder as two Seattle sports legends played their hearts out for ... Tennessee? I guess that's the lesson here, when someone is forced to leave Seattle they lose the will to win. Sure they can get close to making amazing things happen, but ultimately they'll fall short. Fortunately for the Titans, beating the Colts does not qualify as an amazing thing, so whoever gets the go for Tennessee should be able pull a Seattle and get the win. By the way, the Titans string of 23-17 games fell short by one in last week's 22-17 loss to New Orleans. Nice try guys, I'm not fooled.
Titans 23-17
Green Bay @ Kansas City
Surely the Chiefs were shocked last week to find out that 10 points didn't get the job done for the second week in a row, but that shouldn't come as a surprise. Yes, it worked against the Bears, but most everything works against the Bears, except for running uphill, do NOT run uphill if a bear is chasing you (note: not advice for beating the Chicago Bears, just normal bears). In Tyler Palko's career as a starter the Chiefs have put up a combined 32 points. What's the point you may be wondering? The point is that Kansas City will need more points this week than Tyler Palko has been able to put up in six games. That won't happen. Say it with me everybody .... CREAM JOB! (you all shouted it right?)
Packers 38-14
Sunday Afternoon
Detroit @ Oakland
It's the league's dirtiest team (Detroit) against the league's most heavily penalized team (Oakland). The NFL should just throw out the rules for this one and make it a hardcore match. Anything goes! Chairs? Sure. Brass knucks? You bet. A steel cage around the field? I don't see why not. Two teams enter, one team leaves. The other team stays because they were playing a home game and they have no reason to leave.
Raiders 34-31
New England @ Denver
It took me a while to figure out what was happening in Denver, but I finally pinned it down. It's Angels in the Outfield. The Broncos clearly have otherworldly assistance in these games and I'm pretty sure I saw this guy in the crowd last week. I'm telling you, don't be surprised if John Fox adopts two orphans at the end of the season. One thing is bizarre though, if the angels were trying to be inconspicuous why did one of them decide to play for the team? And at quarterback no less.
Broncos 24-21
New York Jets @ Philadelphia
The Jets have won their last three after struggling to a 5-5 mark. So what's changed in the last few weeks? To find the answer we need to look at what put them at 5-5 ... they were Tebowed. Is it possible that merely being in His presence made them a better football team, and indeed better people? Foolish, right? Well let's take a look at other teams who have been, Tebowed. The Dolphins won 4 of their next 6 after Tebow (henceforth referred to as A.T.). The Raiders won their next three A.T.. And the Chargers have won back to back games A.T.. What makes it more amazing is that none of those teams had a winning record immediately A.T., yet they were able to reel off multiple wins in the subsequent weeks. Everything this guy touches turns to gold! His majesty knows no bounds! Because of the Tebow Effect, the Jets are the pick.
Jets 24-17
Cleveland @ Arizona
Is it possible that the Cardinals and Seahawks got together about six weeks ago and agreed that it would be more fun if their game in the last week of the season meant something? Probably not. It would be a real hassle for all 100+ players to travel to the same location just to agree on something. If anything they probably texted each other. Whatever the method of communication, the two teams have drastically improved and kept their playoff hopes on life support. Obviously the Browns won't be the one to pull the plug on the Cards.
Cardinals 21-16
Sunday Night
Baltimore @ San Diego
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that at halftime of this game Phil Rivers tries to pull a Johnny Moxon style revolt on his out of touch, inept, and possibly abusive head coach. The only problem is that it will have the reverse effect. Rivers will run out of the locker room and find that no one is following him. Norv Turner will then lead his team out to the field with their new starting quarterback Billy Volek, at which point they'll lose terribly. They probably should have followed Rivers. (Note: predicted final score does not reflect Wacky Pick, making it all the more wacky)
Ravens 25-22
Monday Night
Pittsburgh @ San Francisco
After starting out 9-1 the Niners have now dropped two of their last three causing Jim Harbaugh's chin to jut out further than Zack Morris's, post crotch-grab (one out of five people will get that, and that's not a ratio, one of the five people who read this will get that). Meanwhile, the Steelers have won 8 of their last 9 to match San Fran's 10-3 record. If Ben Roethlisberger plays, Pittsburgh has to be the favorite. If he doesn't, San Francisco is the favorite. I should point out now that I'm using that term strictly to mean the favored team. Let me make it very clear that neither of these teams is my favorite. Far from it, in fact, just having to write about this game makes me upset.
Steelers 17-13
Week 15 - Thursday
Jacksonville @ Atlanta
What a way to start the week. It's kind of like waking up Monday morning and rolling over to find a pool of your own sick. Will this game really be as bad as a pile of vomit? Probably not, but you'll have to tune-in to find out! There ya go NFL Network, you can have that one for free. Anyway, let's figure out what the pick should be: The Falcons have failed to impress all year. The Jaguars have failed all year.
Falcons 24-13
What a way to start the week. It's kind of like waking up Monday morning and rolling over to find a pool of your own sick. Will this game really be as bad as a pile of vomit? Probably not, but you'll have to tune-in to find out! There ya go NFL Network, you can have that one for free. Anyway, let's figure out what the pick should be: The Falcons have failed to impress all year. The Jaguars have failed all year.
Falcons 24-13
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