9.25.2014

NFL Picks - Week 4

Sunday Morning

Green Bay @ Chicago

At this point I think it's fair to wonder whether or not the Packers are any good. And even if it weren't fair I'd still wonder it. You think I'm worried about being fair? Aww, hell nah. Fair only counts in buses and baseball. Green Bay is 1-2, with their only win being a desperation comeback over the Jets. If you're playing against the Jets and you're the desperate one you know you're in trouble. This week Aaron Rodgers told worried Packers fans to relax. The easiest way to make that happen would be to take your team out of playoff contention as quickly as possible so that nobody has to worry about winning anymore. But something tells me he hasn't thought it through.

Packers 28-26


Buffalo @ Houston

I had a feeling that we were due for a shoddy performance from Ryan Fitzpatrick, and he did not disappoint. Well he disappointed Texans fans, his family, and Ivy league graduates everywhere, but not me. We also saw a typically poor game from the Bills, which we've become accustomed to over the ... Jesus, how many years has it been now? This Sunday only one team will be able to rebound, like that infamous basketball game between the Harlem Globetrotters and the Albany Armless Warriors.

Texans 20-13  


Tennessee @ Indianapolis

On the surface this might look like a crummy game between a couple of 1-2 teams. But look a little deeper and you'll find that it's really a crummy game between a decent 1-2 team and an increasingly lousy 1-2 team. See if you can guess which one is which. If you've seen any portion of the Titans' last two games you'll know the answer. An "interesting" subplot to this contest is that the winner could wind up tied for first in the AFC South. Try not to shit yourself just thinking about it.

Colts 31-17  


Carolina @ Baltimore

Panthers, what happened? After impressive defensive performances in the first two games they went out and sprayed vomit on national TV last Sunday. And when you're feeling sick it's safe to say that the FlacMan is not what the doctor ordered.

Ravens 24-19 


Detroit @ New York Jets

Last week the Lions proved that they can win without their offense playing well; they probably shouldn't keep testing that out though. If I were them I'd go out and try to score a bunch of touchdowns on every drive. And yes, I know what that sounded like, and yes that's exactly what I meant. Multiple touchdowns per drive. Why not, huh? Where's it say that that can't happen? Ok, I looked it up on Google, and it wouldn't even let me type in the whole sentence before it told me I was wrong. Well fine, I never claimed to be an expert. This feels like one of those games that the Jets win just to make you think they might be decent when they're really not, and one of those games that the Lions lose just to confirm that they're not that great.

Jets 22-21


Tampa Bay @ Pittsburgh

It's rare that you can predict a team to win only 7 games in a season and already know you went too high within the first 3 weeks. But that's where we are with Tampa. If things keep going like this the whole team will be out of work before the end of the year and these old Buccaneers will be asking us to spare some change.

Steelers 34-20


Miami @ Oakland

London, are you rrrrrready?!? Yeah, I don't blame you. The Dolphins have sputtered after an opening week win that had many thinking they were a team on the rise. The Raiders have sputtered after their Super Bowl loss 12 years ago. Gonna go with Miami on this one.

Dolphins 23-15


Sunday Afternoon

Jacksonville @ San Diego

It's rare that you can predict a team to win only 7 games in a season and already know you went too high within the first 3 weeks. But that's where we are with Tampa ... Whoops. Jacksonville. Sorry, bit of a copy and paste snafu there. But that doesn't take away from the fact that the Jags have been truly awful ever since they jumped out to a 17-0 lead in the first half of their opener against Philly. Over the last 10 quarters they've been outscored 119-27. Not ideal numbers.

Chargers 35-14


Atlanta @ Minnesota

It's impossible to see this match-up and not recall images of the classic NFC Championship game these two played after the 1998 season. The most memorable aspect of that contest, of course, was the battle between two aged kickers in which it was finally proven that Andersen was superior to Anderson when Morten kicked the game winner that had eluded Gary. It was a big win ... for Andersens.

Falcons 27-17


Philadelphia @ San Francisco

So far this season in the second halves of games the Eagles have scored 74 points, while the 49ers have scored 3. Leaving us to wonder just how big of a lead San Francisco will need to amass in the first 30 minutes to ensure a victory? I say 21. If they're up by less at the half there's no doubt that they'll lose.

49ers 31-27


Sunday Night

New Orleans @ Dallas

Phew! After going a full three weeks to open the season without seeing the Cowboys in prime time I started to worry that something was wrong. But finally here they are. And it couldn't come at a better time, they're on a two game winning streak! I think their miracle run will come to an end here though. At least you'll be able to tell your kids you were there to see it ... What's that? No kids? Well what are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger. Unless, of course, you have that Benjamin Button disease, in which case that would be exactly what's happening to you. But, if I'm being honest, I'm not even sure that that disease really exists. I mean I know they said it was based on a true story, but I'm willing to bet that they gave it what's known in the biz as the "Hollywood treatment." What does this have to do with this game you ask? Cate Blanchett was telling the story from a hospital in New Orleans, idiot.

Saints 38-31


Monday Night

New England @ Kansas City

Did you know that the Patriots have the fewest yards per play in the league right now? They're moving down the field about as fast as the actual patriots did during the Revolutionary War. Luckily for New England they've had six days to reload their muskets, so expect a good start at the very least.

Patriots 23-20

9.24.2014

NFL Picks - Week 4 Thursday

New York Giants @ Washington

Quite the interesting QB match-up here: Cousins vs. Brother. Cousins continues to impress in relief of RG3, while Eli shockingly put together a solid game last week. It was like someone putting together a coherent sentence while having a stroke. As for this one, I see Cousins coming out on top while Eli is left wondering why it smells like blueberries.

Redskins 27-20 

9.18.2014

NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning

San Diego @ Buffalo

Clearly the Chargers have the capability to play at superhuman levels. Was it all above board? That's not for me to say, I'm not here to police the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, I'm merely here to pose the question. Meanwhile the Bills are a surprising 2-0. Surprising to everyone except for their head coach Doug Marrone. Just kidding, he's probably also wondering what the hell is going on here. Until they win all of their games though I just won't be able to trust them.

Chargers 27-23


Dallas @ St. Louis

I don't know what to make of this game (and I've already ruled out a hat, a broach, or a pterodactyl). Both teams laid stinkers in week 1 followed by winkers in week 2. Oh what, you've never heard of a winker? That's when a team does much better than you would have thought, to the point that you assume they had something up their sleeve, possibly leading to them winking at the camera afterwards. Needless to say their performances were surprising. The only clue I have as to the result of this contest is that the Rams are playing at the Edward Jones Dome, and that kind of home field (COUGH COUGH) advantage is more depressing than anything.

Cowboys 23-20


Washington @ Philadelphia

RG3 getting hurt was the most predictable thing that's happened so far this season. Predictable and sad, like a Kenan skit on SNL. The Eagles have had to comeback from double-digit second half deficits in each of their first two games, and I wouldn't put it past Kirk Cousins and the gang forcing them to do it a third time. But they'll still do it, because they're masochists. Real sickos.

Eagles 34-26


Houston @ New York Giants

On paper this has Texans win written all over it. So wait, does that make two pieces of paper? I've really lost myself in this one. And maybe it's that type of confusion that has me sniffing a Giants upset. And guess what? It smells awful. But isn't there a little bit of stink in every perfume? Maybe that's just bull shit.

Giants 20-17


Minnesota @ New Orleans

The Saints are 0-2?!? Talk about surprising. An 0-3 start would be downright shocking. Luckily for them they're playing a Vikings team that will be without Adrian Peterson. Originally it looked as if he would play, but the Minnesota brass fittingly pulled the ol' switcheroo on him.

Saints 35-24


Tennessee @ Cincinnati

Each of the Titans first two games have had the final score of 26-10, with them coming out on opposite ends of the result. They're like the Isaac Newton of football. Assuming, of course, that Isaac Newton didn't play football, in which case he would be the Isaac Newton of football. If anybody out there has a photo of Sir Isaac tossin' around the ol' pigskin please send it my way and I will print an immediate retraction. Then again I might not. Just because one event occurred doesn't mean that another event of roughly the same value has to occur as a result; that's just stupid. Anyway, the pick here is obvious.

Bengals 26-10


Baltimore @ Cleveland

The Browns stunned the football world with their victory over the Saints in week 2. Some would even consider it surprising. Now they look to sustain their momentum against a division rival. And no, the division rival is not multiplication. I'm surprised you thought of that though, it's pretty clever; wait no, you didn't think of it, I did. Well that explains that.

Ravens 24-22


Green Bay @ Detroit

Two high powered offenses, get ready for some fireworks! Illegal fireworks. It's a sting! And they're all going to jail. McCarthy, you're busted. Cladwell, see ya. And not just the men in charge, I'm talking the whole teams. By the time the FBI gets done with this game there will be nothing left but an empty field and shame. And in case you were wondering, the FBI I'm referring to is Firework Busters Incorporated. They have their own shirts and they think VERY highly of themselves.

Packers 31-27


Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

The Jags let me down in a big way last week, losing by 31 in DC. I called up their team headquarters to chastise them but didn't get very far. I mean the guy on the phone said he was Gus Bradley and even went so far as to facetime with me to prove it, but I just wasn't buying it. As for the Colts, they've dropped their first two, but I hardly think it's cause for concern. Clearly Andrew Luck is just taking things to the next level and setting up a season long comeback.

Colts 30-20


Oakland @ New England

Here's a bit of trivia: Derek Carr currently leads the Raiders with 57 yards rushing. Sorry, did I say "Here's a bit of trivia"? I meant it to read: "Here's the saddest stat of the 2014 season." Be brave Derek Carr, you're the real hero.

Patriots 35-10


Sunday Afternoon

San Francisco @ Arizona

Looks like we can add the fact that he's a potty mouth to the ever-expanding list of things to hate about Colin Kaepernick. Kids watch these games, and we've got this guy out there saying God knows what. And to make things even more disgusting he went out and took a dump on the field in the 2nd half. At least that's what it looked like. Safe to say he's probably the worst role model in the league right now. 

Cardinals 23-21


Kansas City @ Miami

Where to start with this one? I know where to finish. My closing will be: "And when the dust settles, and the field slowly reveals itself through the fog, only one man will be left standing. His name will be Scooter. No one will know who he is or how he got there, but they will cheer him for his heroism on this day and they will never forget him henceforth." But yeah, I don't really know where to start.

Dolphins 26-19


Denver @ Seattle

The Broncos are coming to the CLink with revenge on their minds. Unfortunately for them, revenge is a dish best served cold, and that loss to the Hawks last season is still steaming fresh in their minds. As a result, their revenge dish will be sent back to the kitchen with a note that reads, "You're a shitty cook."

Seahawks 30-20


Sunday Night

Pittsburgh @ Carolina

When you think about it these teams are really mirror images of each other. Not sure how? That's why I told you to think about it. Still nothing? Ok, why don't you just e-mail me when you get it figured out.

Panthers 20-10


Monday Night

Chicago @ New York Jets

The Bears put together a stirring comeback last week while the Jets did the exact opposite. A coming stirback? Gross ... I think. After seeing each of these teams play twice it's hard to know what to expect from this game. But hey, isn't that why we watch? For the surprises.

Bears 24-21

9.17.2014

NFL Picks - Week 3 Thursday

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

Well it's been a staggeringly mediocre beginning to the season for me as I now stand at 16-16 after two weeks. But hey, it could be worse, I could be the Bucs, who have now lost to two different backup QBs at home to fall to 0-2. Of course, it would be weird if I were the Bucs. How would that even work? Would it just be me against an entire other team, or would there be 53 different versions of me somehow operating independently of each other. Even if that were the case I have to admit I don't think I'd stand much of a chance; more so than that first scenario, but still not good. As for this particular game, Tampa has shown me nothing to make me believe that they can outscore Atlanta, which is a key aspect to winning.

Falcons 24-13

9.11.2014

NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

Miami @ Buffalo

These squads are each 1-0!? Crazy kids. Unexpected? Yes. But hey, "Never underestimate the heart of a champion." That's a Rudy Tomjanovich quote that doesn't really apply in this case since neither of the teams in question are champions; not even close. Yikes, how am I gonna get out of this one ... Hey look over there! It's Rudy Tomjanovich and he's reciting his famous quote: "Never underestimate the heart of a champion." Damn it! Of all the things I could have made up for you to look at I chose the very thing that I was trying to make you forget about. Clearly I'm rusty, as evidenced by my 8-8 opening week record. Time to get back on track with an old stand-by: Miami away from Miami.

Dolphins 27-23


Jacksonville @ Washington

The Jaguars jumped out to a 17-0 halftime lead last week in Philadelphia. Of course, they promptly surrendered that lead in spectacular fashion en route to a 34-17 loss. But the good news is that Jacksonville never even had a 17 point lead all of last season. They're getting closer. As for Washington, it's hard to say. Maybe they just got overwhelmed by a re-energized Houston defense in Week 1, or maybe they just blow. Then again, it could be both. I'm going to go ahead and take Jacksonville because I'm a dreamer.

Jaguars 17-14


Dallas @ Tennessee

Oh Romo. Oh no no no no no. It um, it's ... it's not good Tony. I know he was playing a good defense, but still you gotta show us something. Speaking of showing people stuff ... hey where are you going? That's not what I meant. I was referring to the Titans' dominant victory in Kansas City last Sunday. It's possible that I greatly underestimated Tennessee, which would be surprising because I'm normally excellent at estimating. For example, see that jar of jelly beans over there? If I had to guess I'd say there are 6 in there. I was right, wasn't I? Granted it wasn't very full which made things a lot easier on me, but the fact remains that I was correct, give or take a few.

Titans 30-21


Arizona @ New York Giants

Speaking of NFC East teams that already seem doomed, here are the Giants! It should have been obvious which team I was talking about since the Cardinals haven't been in the NFC East since 2001. You're not from 2001 are you? Still watching Laserdiscs and listening to your record albums? Haha, get a life ya renob (that's boner spelled backwards, which is something that everybody said back in 2001, so obviously you should get it). My guess is that the Arizona defense will cause lots of problems for Eli, because they're in the NFL and will be allowed to put a full 11 men on the field.

Cardinals 23-16


New England @ Minnesota

Ok Vikings, I see ya. Unfortunately I also see that you're playing the Patriots this week, and I can't see them starting off 0-2. And if they do? It may mean the end of the world as we know it. That world being the world in which Tom Brady has a beard. No way he keeps it if they lose again. (NOTE: I wrote that on Tuesday only to see on Wednesday that he's already shaved his beard. Brady, always one step ahead.)

Patriots 26-23


New Orleans @ Cleveland

Both of these teams are coming off wild and wacky Week 1 washouts. If you weren't able to see them let me just paint you a picture. These games had it all: double-digit comebacks, back flip catches, banana peels on the field, players on stilts, a Bane attack. And if you did see the games then SHUT UP! Why are you trying to ruin this for me?

Saints 34-25


Atlanta @ Cincinnati

Impressive and important would be the adjectives I'd use to describe these teams' divisional wins in Week 1. Those are also the adjectives that I often recommend/request people use to describe me. It's yet to happen, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop. Can't stop won't stop. The Falcons will most likely meet more resistance from the Bengals' D than they did last week against New Orleans. That resistance will frighten and confuse them because they're used to always getting their way, those spoiled little brats.

Bengals 24-19 


Detroit @ Carolina

The match-up between the Lions' offense and the Panthers' D promises to be entertaining. But can we really trust these men to keep their promises? Not after last time. I was left stranded at the amusement park all day. This is a bit of a tricky one, but I think Detroit being away from home will be their downfall; which is weird because you'd think they'd be thrilled to get out of Detroit.

Panthers 20-17


Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ San Diego

So we're officially at the point where the Hawks should run Harvin on the jet sweep every single play until someone shows they can stop it right? You're probably thinking that the very reason it works so well is because of the moderation with which it's used and that overuse would render it ineffective. Fair enough. You kind of sound like an asshole, but whatever. Regardless, it's exciting stuff and I can't wait to watch this team again. And I won't. I'm drinking a pitcher of Zzzquil, wake me up Sunday.

Seahawks 31-13


St. Louis @ Tampa Bay

Disappointing performances from each of these teams last week. Well ok, the Rams' performance wasn't disappointing because it was the Rams, so it was hilarious. But Tampa, what was that? Were you aware that Josh McCown fumbled AND threw an interception on the same play? It was one of the more sad, pitiful things I've ever seen. Like watching a turtle on its back struggling for its life. Hopefully a good samaritan has happened upon poor McCown, picked him up and plopped him back on his feet again.

Buccaneers 24-12 


Houston @ Oakland

"Hello, my name is Derek Carr. You killed my brother. Prepare to AAAAHHHHH ..." (Gets sacked by J.J. Watt). Unfortunately for the younger Carr, this may not be the best opportunity for him to take vengeance against his brother's former team. Even without JaDaveon Clowney on the field the Houston pass rush should be enough to fluster the rookie QB.

Texans 22-14


New York Jets @ Green Bay

It would be unfair to judge the Packers based on their opening game in Seattle. Then again there's no such thing as fair in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE and Green Bay should be well aware of that by now. They catch a bit of a break this week though as the winless Jets come to town. Yes, I know that they actually won their first game, but it was at home against the Raiders, so it's basically a no win situation.

Packers 27-9


Kansas City @ Denver

The Chiefs suffered the worst defeat of Week 1; getting embarrassed by the Titans at home and losing two key defensive players for the season. BUT ... nope, I got nothing, they're screwed. To make matters worse they have to travel to Denver this week, and the airport there is super weird, like Illuminati type biz.

Broncos 38-20


Sunday Night

Chicago @ San Francisco

It's the grand opening of Levi's Stadium, and from what I hear the WiFi is supposed to be great! And good for them. Some teams need great WiFi as a selling point for their in-stadium experience. Other fan bases just show up, scream their heads off and create the best homefield advantage in all of sport. But hey, there's no one right way to do things. Good luck to you Santa Clara!

49ers 27-17


Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Indianapolis

Very intriguing match-up here. With these offenses as volatile as they are anything could happen. I say "volatile," not explosive, because the Eagles caused just as many catastrophes in the first half as they did big plays in the second. Meanwhile, it took the Colts too long to finally get moving consistently in their first contest. But that's what makes these teams exciting, you never know what you're gonna get. It reminds me of that famous Forrest Gump quote. Ya know, "You ain't got no legs Lieutenant Dan."

Colts 38-35

9.10.2014

NFL Picks - Week 2 Thursday

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

What did we learn from Week 1? At this point it's hard to say anything definitively. However, one thing we can now say for sure is that you can't perform a jumping kick to an opponent's chest/face. Even if you have the ball. And even even if the other guy is a punter. But is it actually in the rule book, or did it just look so crazy that the refs felt obligated to throw a flag? I'm going to guess it's the latter. But who knows, I'm not a ref, I've never claimed to be. The closest I came would have to be when I went to a costume party as Denis Leary's character from the movie The Ref. And in case you're wondering, no, most people did not get it. Anyway, as impressive as the jump-kick was, the Steelers' 2nd half collapse was equally unimpressive. Meanwhile, the Ravens had an opposite experience; running out of time before they could complete a double digit comeback. Clearly Baltimore is the one trending upward here and it would be hard to imagine them losing two straight at home to open the season.

Ravens 24-20

9.05.2014

Award Winning NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning

New Orleans @ Atlanta

I spent countless hours (ok, 5) researching the Falcons on Hard Knocks. Here's what I can predict from what I've learned: Roddy White won't play a single down because he'll be too consumed with antagonizing William Moore. This will lead to at least one blown coverage touchdown. Pretty foolish Rod. Then again, we already knew he was an idiot.


Saints 30-22


Minnesota @ St. Louis

Poor Sam Bradford, that guy just can't catch a break. Plenty of tears, just no breaks. And so the Rams will now rally behind Shaun Hill. This is familiar territory for the Rams as a franchise, and who knows, maybe Shaun Hill will be the second coming of Kurt Warner. Then again, he could also be the second coming of Shaun Hill. Whoever he is it should be good enough at home against the Vikings. Or at least they'd better hope it is. And isn't hope the most powerful thing we have in this life anyhow?

Rams 16-13


Cleveland @ Pittsburgh

It's Johnny Football time baby! What's that? Brian Hoyer? Well what's his nickname? Doesn't have one!? What's his signature hand gesture? Nothing!? Then what's the point? This drip probably doesn't even have an instagram account. I'm already snoozing just writing about it. In today's NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE it's more about Q rating than QB rating. That's something Brian Hoyer still has to learn.

Steelers 19-10


Jacksonville @ Philadelphia

It's Gus Bradley vs. Chip Kelly in a battle of second year coaches at the opposite end of the gameplan. Bradley's D vs. Kelly's O will be the marquee match-up. Of course, whenever the other option involves Chad Henne the former is most likely more desirable. While I see the Jags improving overall this season, Week 1 will have a familiar result for them. And a familiar stench. That's more locker room related than anything though.

Eagles 28-17


Oakland @ New York Jets

I'd have a huge amount of respect and admiration for Derek Carr if after it was announced that he was going to be the Raiders' starting QB he tweeted "Vroom vroom." In all honesty I haven't checked, he may very well have done that, but I seriously doubt it. And it's that lack of moxie and wit that will result in him ultimately being a failure. Sorry bra, just gotta call it like I see it, it's how I was raised, don't know no other way.

Jets 26-16


Cincinnati @ Baltimore

This early season match-up could end up deciding the AFC North championship. Then again, with 16 weeks still remaining after this game there are truly infinite possibilities making it virtually impossible to say something like that with any confidence. Yet at the same time it's equally as plausible as any other given permutation. But hey isn't that what makes this game so great!? Literally that last paragraph (or something close to it) is on a plaque in Canton. Pretty sure.

Ravens 24-21


Buffalo @ Chicago

All of Canada will be glued to this one. Their favorite son Marc Trestman takes on the Bills, their de facto national team. Hmm, ok so upon further research I discovered that while Trestman coached for years in the CFL he's actually from Minnesota; and the Bills one game per season in Toronto is played in front of mostly tepid crowds trying to figure out why there are no sticks. So it appears that FOX's boffo ratings in the Canadian demo for this contest are quickly slipping away. Their only chance to salvage this is to tab Alan Thicke to perform at halftime.

Bears 31-20 


Washington @ Houston

There's plenty of buzz surrounding the Texans as this year's version of the Chiefs, a team that will vault themselves from 2-14 straight into the playoffs. I just have one problem with that, Ryan Fitzpatrick. There was a time when I believed in Ryan Fitzpatrick. It was a simpler time and I was a simpler man. I've evolved. Ryan Fitzpatrick's football skills have devolved. I can't in good conscience predict Houston to be a winning team with him as the starter. Can they beat Washington at home though? Sure, why not? I mean, besides the Ryan Fitzpatrick element we just discussed.

Texans 20-16


Tennessee @ Kansas City

I'm not too sure what the Titans have to offer, other than a UW fan's fantasy backfield of Locker and Sankey. In a cruelly ironic twist, I don't see that leading to a lot of Ws.  Meanwhile, the Chiefs have been written off by many as a painfully obvious candidate for regression and I predict no different. Mainly because the type of obvious I like most is painful. I'm a real creep like that.

Chiefs  23-9


New England @ Miami

Is this the season that Tom Brady finally proves he can play in this league? I say yes, Don't give up on this guy just yet, he's gonna surprise some folks.

Patriots 27-20


Sunday Afternoon

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

Only two afternoon games? Thanks a pantload Goodell. First the Ray Rice decision and now this? Are you trying to get impeached bro? Anyway, most pundits are concerned about the Panthers' chances this season because they don't have any wide receivers. A quick perusal of their roster will reveal that those "experts" don't know so much after all; in fact, Carolina has multiple players listed at WR. Sometimes you can't believe the hype. That being said I expect the Bucs to actually finish above the Panthers when all is said and done, and this will be the first step. And the first step is the deepest.

Buccaneers 13-10


San Francisco @ Dallas

The 49ers' defense comes into the 2014 season depleted due to a rash of injuries and scumbags. That's good news for Tony Romo and you know I'm not lying, because Tony Romo is no place for fibs (that really took me 5 years?). On the flip side though the Cowboys' D is woeful even when fully healthy so the Niners should prevail. Well, in a just world I'd never claim that they "should," but they probably will.

49ers 31-24


Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Denver

In 2013 the Broncos had a record setting offense, apparently. Peyton Manning put up the greatest statistical season ever for a quarterback, so I'm told. All in all, Denver was an unstoppable juggernaut, according to reports. From what I've seen though they'll be hard-pressed to put up double digits. But hey I'll take your word for it.

Broncos 34-24


Monday Night

New York Giants @ Detroit

I've heard that Eli Manning is going to be "let loose" in the Giants' new West Coast offense. Does that mean there were reins on him when he threw 27 interceptions last season? Imagine how many he's going to throw now that he's unshackled. This is going to be great! He's gonna have more embarrassing pics than Jennifer Lawrence.

Lions 30-22


San Diego @ Arizona

Let's all hope and pray that ESPN lets Chris Berman announce this game. Before the first quarter is through he'll reference "standing on the corner in Winslow, Arizona" and going "from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma." Then we'll all take a minute to appreciate the national treasure that we are fortunate enough to hear once a year in the MNF booth.

Chargers 20-17