NFL Picks - Week 7


SEASON: 61-33



Sunday Morning


Washington at Green Bay

Aaron Rodgers caused a bit of a stir last week when, after rushing for a crucial fourth quarter touchdown, he shouted at the Chicago crowd, “I own you, I’ve owned you my whole life!” I wasn’t too offended by the taunting, but it definitely struck a chord with me, because I’ve said the same exact thing while tearfully shoving clothes into a donation bin. It’s such an emotional process for me that I usually go back to check on them on collection day, so I can see them one last time. And then, without fail, the employees will pluck out my old friends, give them a few sniffs, and start shaking their head as if to say, “No. There are too many farts in these. Smells like years and years of some of the worst farts I’ve ever come across. And that includes the t-shirts.” It’s a lot to infer from a head shake, but I’m fairly certain that’s the message being conveyed. At that point I go yank the garments out of the heartless non-profit workers’ hands. When I get home I put everything back in the closet and whisper, “I own you. I’ve owned you my whole life.”


Packers 35-20

Kansas City at Tennessee 

How long has Janoris Jenkins been nicknamed “Jackrabbit?” I’d never heard him called that before Monday. Then the MNF crew proceeded to say “Jackrabbit Jenkins” approximately 46 times. Maybe it’s negligence on my part, but I feel like I watch a good amount of football, and this caught me completely off guard. How many more secret nicknames are lurking out there, waiting to be unleashed upon the world? Are there any more in this game? Maybe a Tightrope Tannehill, or Madman Mahomes, or Jostlin’ Cock Jones. Who’s to say? That’s the most intriguing part of this, we have no idea what’s coming next. But it’s probably Jostlin’ Cock Jones, don’t you think?


Chiefs 38-33

Atlanta at Miami

How often does Matt Ryan think about how far away he is from leading a Super Bowl 28-3? It has to be every game. Just consider the amount of effort he’ll put into trying to beat the Dolphins here in Week 7, then imagine that thought creeping into his head, “Even if we win this game, we’ll be 3-3. We probably won’t win the division over Tampa. We’re a long shot to make the playoffs at all. Even if we do we’ll have to win three games on the road to get to the Super Bowl. And then if we do that we’d have to play the game of our lives to get up 28-3 in the second half. And if all of that comes together, we still might lose. Oh great, while I just thought about all that I stood paralyzed with ennui and got sacked. This sucks. Football’s no fun.” See what I mean? Sad stuff.


Dolphins 24-21

New York Jets at New England 

Oh right, the Jets. Did anybody else think they might just not come back after their bye week? Like the NFL called them up and said, “Don’t worry, that’s enough.” The Jets reply, “Are you sure? We've got a few things up our sleeves for these upcoming games. We could maybe even win a couple. We’ll try really hard, we promise!” To which the NFL would just say, “Ssshhhh. Sshhh shhh ssshh,” while holding the Jets’ head and petting their hair. 


Patriots 23-13

Carolina at New York Giants

Last week against the Rams Daniel Jones had one of those, “So you wanna be an NFL quarterback?” games. You know, when the TV producers will air a highlight package of the QB getting hit and throwing interceptions and the color analyst will say, “So you wanna be an NFL quarterback?” But I don’t know why they keep asking me that. No! I don’t want to be one. At least not for like the last 20+ years. And with each passing season I am less and less interested considering that I’m past my would-be prime at this point. I hope both Jones and Sam Darnold play well this Sunday, mainly because I don’t want to get hassled by whoever the announcers are. 


Giants 27-24

Cincinnati at Baltimore 

I have to say, this is probably the marquee match-up on Sunday's schedule. It's been a while since the Bengals have been in the gsme of the day. See? So long that I couldn’t even type it correctly. My extremities wouldn’t let me. I’m leaving the typo! It's a matter of principle. This one's for you Cincinnati! Hmm, just heard back from the Bengals organization, and they said they didn't care about my gesture, weren't even sure how it was complimentary to them, and told me to never contact anyone in their building again. What a bunch of asdholes. 

Ravens 31-26

Sunday Afternoon


Philadelphia at Las Vegas

After a hectic lead up to Sunday, I assumed the Raiders would be a little out of sorts last week. Boy was I wrong. And it serves me right, I should’ve expected more from a Rich Bisaccia coached team. Bisaccia always has his guys ready to play. I heard from at least 20 Vegas players who said they’d run through a wall for him. 10 more said they’d break down a door. The other 20 didn’t get back to me. They were probably passed out from practicing so hard or attempting to plow through some other man made object not listed above. Now, would I suspect that this match-up against a struggling Philly team is the perfect spot for a letdown? No! These are Bisaccia boys! (Also the Raiders are playing the Giants next week, so it’s not like they’ll be looking ahead)


Raiders 30-23

Detroit at Los Angeles Rams

Jared Goff is rolling back into LA with an 0-6 Lions squad. Here’s how I see the conversation going:

Goff: “Miss me?” 

Rams: “Oh. Uhh ... hmm. Yeah, hey good to see you. You look well.”

Goff: “Really? I’m pretty bruised up. Been getting hit a lot.”

Rams: “Oh, we didn’t even notice.”

Goff: “There’s like 3 on my face alone. Hard to not see, actually.”

Rams: “...”

Goff: “You guys need a back-up?”

Rams “...”

Goff: “Pfft, just kidding.”

Rams: “...”

Goff: “Man, I cant wait to kick your ass.”


Rams 35-14

Houston at Arizona

Isn’t this just the same as the last game? An NFC West team about to destroy some poor bastards. We already have a watered down schedule thanks to the six teams on bye, and now we have to deal with this junk? Speaking of junk, on Sunday Deandre Hopkins tweeted a highlight of his with the caption “Hopsational.” Don’t get me wrong, it was an impressive play, my problem is solely with the caption. Was this supposed to be a play on words? What am I missing here? Are we just going to allow any and everybody to slap the start of their name on “sensational” and accept it? I, for one, vote no. Unless it’s something totally Eriktastic. 


Cardinals 41-20

Chicago at Tampa Bay

Perhaps the nadir of Tom Brady’s career came last season when he didn’t know what down it was at the end of the Bucs’ loss to the Bears. He looked like a fool, and his team was a pathetic 3-2. His grand experiment had failed. And we laughed. Oh how we laughed at Tom Brady. After that he went on to win the Super Bowl, effectively holding a mirror up to us and saying, “Laugh at yourself you fools!” And he’s right, we’re pathetic. I don’t know about you, but I’ve won zero Super Bowls. Who am I to dare tell Brady what down it is? Let alone laugh at him. Please forgive me Thomas. (Don’t worry guys, I’m trying a new tactic where I’m overly flattering in hopes that it will end up with Brady’s abject failure. It’s not logical, but I’ve tried the other way for so long with undesirable results.)


Buccaneers 27-17

Sunday Night


Indianapolis at San Francisco 

It hasn't been an ideal start for either of these teams, but there's still plenty of time for them to turn it around. One will take a step in the right direction on Sunday night. Who will it be? Don't ask me, let's hear from Cris Collinsworth himself.

Confirmed, Aaron Neville, still alive.

49ers 26-23

Monday Night


New Orleans at Seattle

Bad news regarding the Geno Smith experience: he’s had game-ruining turnovers in consecutive games (Though I should point out that the first one was due to Tyler Lockett flopping on his route to buy a call that didn’t come, and the second was caused by T.J. Watt who should have been ejected for punching Alex Collins earlier in the evening). Good news: the Seahawks were right there in both contests. I mean hey, you can’t have a truly devastating turnover when you’re losing by 20 in the fourth quarter, right? It’s better to have competed and blown it than to never have competed at all. Still, it couldn’t hurt to actually win one. 

Seahawks 23-15


NFL Picks - Week 7 Thursday

Denver at Cleveland 

Baker Mayfield has been ruled out for this game after re-injuring his should on Sunday. I don’t think the top brass at Fox was wishing for a more negative prognosis for Mayfield, but you just know they didn’t want him playing in this game. All along they were drooling over the possibility of a Case Keenum revenge game! As is the rest of America. I think we all remember, and look back fondly upon, that one season he played with the Broncos. Ya know, back in 2018, or was it 2016? ‘98? No, I think that was still Elway. Anyway, Keenum is no doubt dying to get some payback on Denver after their acrimonious break-up. Or did it not get ugly? Now that I think about it maybe he just had a one year contract and that was that. Both parties went their separate ways. Or did he get traded? Look, no one knows the real truth, the guy doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. Despite that fact, Keenum is ratings gold. And when you get him facing one of his 6 former teams, you might as well name your price, because the advertisers are gonna be begging you for a slot.

Broncos 19-16  



NFL Picks - Week 6


SEASON: 53-27



Sunday Morning


Miami at Jacksonville 

How excited must Urban Meyer be? He has a whole bye week following this game to spend in the UK after he inevitably doesn’t fly home with his team! There’s gotta be at least one Buckeyes bar over there, right? Methinks the British Ohio St. fans would be more than welcoming if you catch my cheeky drift. Uh oh, I just looked it up, there is a Buckeyes bar in the UK, but only one; it’s located in the hills of Scotland and the only patrons are sheep. Hey, go get ‘em Urban! 


Jaguars 24-22



Green Bay at Chicago 

If the Bears win this game they’re in first place. How did that happen? I had them written off after their rookie quarterback looked lousy in his first start. What do you mean that’s not fair?!? If someone doesn’t show up and dominate from day one how am I supposed to think they'll ever improve? I expect newborn children to come out speaking in full, intelligent sentences, like the smart gremlin in Gremlins 2. Or I guess the babies in the Look Who’s Talking films if you want a more analog comparison. But I think we can all agree that those kids weren’t actually talking within the world of the movies, we were just hearing their inner monologue. Although, can’t the babies hear each other? Well that doesn’t make sense ... So anyway, as I was saying, good on the Bears for righting their ship. I wouldn’t be shocked if they got the win this Sunday. I mean if you’ve seen babies and gremlins talk is there anything left that can surprise you?


Packers 23-20

Cincinnati at Detroit

The Lions lost 19-17 on a last-second field goal again last week. That’s twice so far this season. Man, 19-17, that’s rough. This season has been a real battle for Detroit, what with all the 19-17 losses. If I had to compare it to a war movie I guess I’d say ... Platoon. Just a futile effort from the start, filled with heartbreak. Don’t be surprised if Jared Goff drops to two knees and goes out Willem DeFoe style in the final game. Meanwhile, Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow has had some troubles of his own, having to visit the hospital last Sunday with a throat contusion. I wouldn’t be too worried if I were Burrow though, Johnny Moxon was able to play in the 2nd half after suffering a similar injury at the hands of his coach, literally. Burrow has a whole week to recover, he should be fine. (Side note: that’s enough movie references for one week. No more, I swear.)


Lions 20-19

Houston at Indianapolis 

On Monday night the refs royally screwed the Colts out of a 98 yard defensive touchdown because of what they deemed to be an illegal “forward” pass. The call was based on the fact that the ball was pitched at the Indy 24 yard line and received at the 25, despite the fact that the ball was clearly tossed backwards. How can it go forward but be thrown backwards? It’s called Galilean Transformation damn it! And we’ve been over this before! Apparently by the letter of the law the refs made the correct call. But that doesn’t make it right. If a ball is clearly lateraled we must allow for physics to run its course. If we don’t we’re no better than the Philistines. Is that what you want? To be sub-Philistine?!? Yes I know that Philistines are more skeptics of art and culture, not science, I was using it ironically. What do you take me for a Philistine? Yes I know how irony works! Lay off me. You’re being a real pill-istine. 


Colts 26-19

Los Angeles Rams at New York Giants

Daniel Jones may not be available for the Giants due to concussion protocol. On the surface that would seem like an advantage for the Rams, but I’m not so sure they want to face another backup quarterback after Geno Smith’s pseudo-dominant performance against them last Thursday. Sure LA still came out on top in the end, but I think America was united in their belief that Geno was the true hero of the night. Now, is NY backup Mike Glennon on the level of Geno Smith? No, few are. Yet he still may possess enough craftiness to flummox the Rams. Or he’ll get hit so hard that his famously long neck spins around like an owl. Then he’s so bewildered that he actually starts believing he’s an owl and eats a mouse he finds on the sidelines. Oof, for Glennon’s sake (and all of ours, really) I hope we see the first option on Sunday. 


Rams 38-17

Kansas City at Washington 

Patrick Mahomes hasn’t lost more than 4 games in a season since he’s been a starter. The 2021 Chiefs are already at 3. It’s looking very likely that this will be the worst season of Mahomes’s career. It also seems likely that the Chiefs will get their issues sorted out in the second half of the season and then win three straight road games on their way to the Super Bowl. That’s right, they’re doing this just to mess with us, and I won’t hear otherwise until they’re eliminated from contention once and for all. And even then I might not buy it. There could be two completely different teams playing in Super Bowl LVI and then Mahomes shows up out of nowhere with a minute left to win the game. It won’t count of course, and he’ll be escorted off the field for trespassing. But man, it’ll be pretty amazing to watch. 


Chiefs 31-20

Minnesota at Carolina 

The Vikings have now had 3 games decided by last second field goals. Two made, one missed. One win, two losses. If things had gone just a bit different the Vikings could be 4-1, or 1-4. They’ve really taught us a lot about the sliding doors nature of the NFL, and maybe life in general. Or maybe it’s more like one of those rotating doors, because this league never stops spinning baby! And it’s all about timing. One wrong step and you slam your face into the glass in front of everybody you work with. They laugh hysterically, and you join them because you want to seem like a good sport, but you can feel the blood start to ooze down from your forehead. Then everyone else sees it and stops laughing, and now it’s just you, your face a cackling crimson mask. First everybody just thought you were a klutz, but now it’s something much much worse. So yeah, be careful Vikings!


Vikings 30-28

Los Angeles Chargers at Baltimore

The Ravens mounted an amazing comeback in their 31-25 OT win on Monday. But to me the true story of the night was that they failed to rush for 100 yards. One week after causing a kerfuffle by desperately trying to extend the streak, they just couldn’t find it within them to make it one more game. Sure they got the win, but what’s a win worth if you didn’t even rush for 100 yards in the process? Most people wouldn’t care, but clearly the Ravens did. And I wouldn’t be shocked if they totally collapse now that their identity is shattered. Meanwhile, the Chargers keep tempting their past fate late in games and living to tell the tale. Their old identity is shattered, and that’s a good thing. Then again their newfound ability to close games could always unravel at a moment's notice. That’s the magic of the Chargers. 


Chargers 27-26

Sunday Afternoon


Arizona at Cleveland

Could this be a potential Super Bowl preview? I mean probably not, but it might be more possible than ever before. The Cardinals are 5-0 and while the Browns fell to 3-2 last week I still expect them to get to the playoffs. But come on, we couldn’t actually have a Cardinals vs. Browns Super Bowl. That would be the Super Bowl match-up in some futuristic movie that’s trying to make a point of how fucked up society has become. (Whoops, I said no more movie references. Though this isn’t a specific movie I’m talking about, just hypothetical. At least I’m not aware of an actual movie in which the Cardinals and Browns compete in the Super Bowl. If it exists I’d like to see it. Hey maybe I’ll be the one to make it! It’ll be called Cardinal Brown. People will think it’s about some inter-planetary clergyman, but really it will just be a full-length simulated game on Madden.)

Browns 27-24

Las Vegas at Denver

Well this Raiders season has taken a bit of turn lately, huh? No need to rehash here what’s been rehashed ad nauseam in every other news outlet (yes that means I consider this a news outlet). Instead let’s focus on the future, and Vegas’s new interim coach, Rich Bisaccia. Promoting him was a smart move for a franchise looking to avoid further controversy. I say that with no knowledge of this man’s character, but by looking at him I’d guess that he’s never sent an e-mail in his life. So already the Raiders have to feel more secure. Also, I have it on good authority that Bisaccia loved the Michael Sam pick and thinks Roger Goodell is tough as hell

Broncos 23-16

Dallas at New England 

I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first game to be called by both the A team announcers from CBS and Fox. How could it not be? Are you telling me Romo or Aikman isn’t going to be there to see the Cowboys finally beat the Patriots for the first time since 1996? This is a marquee moment for America’s Team baby! This is a national event. We all must show it the reverence it deserves. In fact, let’s stop beating around the bush and call this what it is: the Super Bowl. That’s right, this is the Super Bowl now. All the other teams can play out the rest of their schedules if they want, but this is the only one that counts. 

Cowboys 28-18

Sunday Night


Seattle at Pittsburgh 

Safe to say that this is not exactly the match-up NBC thought they were getting when they scheduled this game months ago. But such is life. And no one knows more about life, and football than Cris Collinsworth. Let's get his take on this one:

But why did he still send me the video?

Seahawks 20-16

Monday Night


Buffalo at Tennessee 

When most people see this match-up they think Music City Miracle. Not me, I see it and think about eating the rich and re-allocating the world’s wealth among the people. That has nothing to do with these teams, but that’s just how twisted I am guys. A lot of people tell me I remind them of Tyler Durden from Fight Club. (Damn it, another movie reference! Ok, now I guarantee that’s the last one, because I’m done writing ...


The Godfather. Shit!)


Bills 31-24


NFL Picks - Week 6 Thursday

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia 

Through five weeks of the 2021 season, the Eagles have proven, without a shadow of a doubt, that they can beat NFC South teams. They’re 2-0 against the Falcons and Panthers, and 0-3 against everybody else. That’s not great news for Philly, considering they only get four games against the South this season. But this week just so happens to be their third. And here comes another lamb to the slaughter, the Buccaneers. “Baaah baaah” Brady will whimper as the Eagles pound him and his cohorts into the turf. You simply do not show up to play the Eagles as an NFC South team and make it out alive. That being said, what do you guys think, Tampa by like 10-14? Yeah, same here.

Buccaneers 34-23


NFL Picks - Week 5


SEASON: 40-24


Sunday Morning

New York Jets at Atlanta

This game is scheduled to take place in London, but is there any chance UK officials will re-institute the travel ban before Sunday? Sorry love, no Yanks allowed. You lot can sod off ‘cos this match is right shit, innit? Innit?!? And look, I wouldn’t blame them for trying to get out of hosting this one. Who decided to make the Jets and Falcons two of our grand ambassadors this season? I’d bet good money that each and every American attending this game on Sunday will have to turn to the Brits around them and say something to the effect of, “Trust me, it’s usually better than this.”

Falcons 24-20

Green Bay at Cincinnati

Both teams come into this match-up at 3-1, so it could be a heated battle. Though, considering that each have recent double digit wins over Pittsburgh, instead of talking trash on the field I’m guessing they’ll all just be discussing how much the Steelers suck. “Yeah, what’s with those guys? Hey did you just take the ball from me? What the hell?!? I thought we were having a friendly chat. Felt like we were really getting to know each other. I was just going to ask if you wanted to get in on this timeshare I have. It’s a more sound investment than people think. I just went to the presentation to get free Cyclones tickets, but once I heard everything this place had to offer I couldn’t pass it up. That’s how good of a deal it is! And I wanted you to be a part of it! The Cyclones! Cincinnati's minor league hockey team. You've never heard of the Cyclones?!?” And again, just to be clear, this whole “conversation” is happening during a live fumble return.

Packers 30-23

Detroit at Minnesota  

I thought the Lions had a good chance to get over the hump last week in Chicago, but it didn’t happen. Instead they played maybe their worst game yet and now find themselves as one of only two winless teams in the league. On the bright side they're the only one with a head coach that still wants to be in the NFL. Now they have to face a Vikings team that is once again in desperate need of a win. It seems like we’re going to be saying that about Minnesota a lot this season, until eventually they’ll finish 7-10. Hey what the heck Vikings? You didn’t even do anything with those wins you kept saying you needed! Those wins could’ve gone to underprivileged kids. Ya know, like the Lions. Hey they’re making a break for it! Get ‘em! 

Vikings 31-26

Denver at Pittsburgh   

Ben Roethlisberger has the lowest QBR among qualified quarterbacks that aren’t rookies. The Steelers offense ranks 27th in total yards, and 28th in points per game. Suffice it to say that these ain’t your grandma’s Steelers. Oh what, you thought I was going to say “grandpa” wow. Woooow. So in your world grandmas can’t watch football? Shame on you. It’s 2021, time for you to ... What’s that? Oh, she was a Browns fan? Buried in her favorite jersey? So your problem was less about the use of grandma, and more about the ... Got it, got it. Hey look, I’m sorry about earlier. From what you’ve told me your grandma sounds like a real neat lady. I think if I’d been alive back in her day we would’ve got along just fine. Who knows, maybe I even could’ve been your grandpa. Oh why is that such a weird thing to say?!? Shut up. That’s not that weird. You’re weird. Shut up.

Steelers 16-13

Miami at Tampa Bay   

After his long-anticipated return to New England last week it’s certainly possible that Tom Brady will still have an emotional hangover when the Dolphins come to town. Well get ready for another wave of the feels Tommy, because now you have to face Jacoby Brissett! Remember him?!? That guy that was one of your back-ups for a couple years? That’s riiiight! He knows all your tricks, and he’s been spilling the beans to his new cohorts in Miami. Get ready for a defense that knows you better than you know yourself TB12! In all seriousness though, I think Brady would have to have an actual hangover for the Bucs to be in any trouble here; and I think he’s dried out since the championship parade.

Buccaneers 31-10

New Orleans at Washington 

Washington has a knack for dramatic wins over lousy teams. First, a last-second , game-winning field goal to beat the Giants, then a touchdown with under a minute left to top the Falcons. But can they pull out a similar scintillating victory over the Saints? Depends on just how lousy New Orleans. I don’t think they’re as bad as the aforementioned Washington victims, which means the Football Team may be out of luck. Speaking of, I’m not sure they’ll be favored in another game until Week 15 when they play at Philly. Between now and then their schedule is as follows: KC, @GB, @DEN, TB, @CAR, SEA, @LV, DAL. Oh wait, I just remembered that they’ll get Ryan Fitzpatrick back at some point, so they’ll definitely be able to upset some quality opponents. They’ll also lose a few games even worse than they would have. But either way it ought to be a good time.

Saints 24-16

Philadelphia at Carolina   

The Panthers seem halfway decent, and that could go a long way considering their soft schedule. Granted, it’s early, but looking ahead I wouldn’t rule out a 10-7 record. Months ago I would’ve said there’s no way. Of course, the main reason I would’ve said that was because the NFL schedule was still 16 games at the time, so that record would have been impossible. As for the Eagles, after a blowout win over Atlanta in the opener, Philly has settled into the level of lousiness that we all expected from them this season. Looking at their schedule the rest of the way I’d guess they’ll finish around 5-12. Of course these prognostications are contingent on the Panthers winning this game. If that doesn’t happen my predictions are null and void. I also reserve the right up until Week 18 to guess a team’s final record. Trying to do so any further out is truly a fool’s errand. I already feel ridiculous for my attempts.

Panthers 28-18

Tennessee at Jacksonville  

Ever since he’s arrived in Jacksonville Urban Meyer has seemed like he’s had his thumb up his own butt. Fittingly he’s now reached a new low thanks to his thumb being up someone else’s. Meanwhile, the Titans are coming off an embarrassing loss to the Jets, and man, if they follow that up with a loss to the Jags ... Well they’ll still be in first place in the AFC South. It’s a pretty sweet divij.

Titans 34-27

New England at Houston 

After his team lost 40-0 to the Bills, Texans coach David Culley attempted to protect rookie fill-in quarterback Davis Mills by saying, "You could put Joe Montana out there today, and the way we played, you're not going to have any success on offense." But could they have? Like was that on the table but they opted for Mills? Also, does he mean Montana now, in 2021? If so, I agree, he wouldn’t have been much help. As for the Patriots, they’re coming off a heartbreaking loss to Tom Brady and the Bucs. A defeat which prompted their rookie quarterback Mac Jones to say after the game, “We don’t do moral victories.” Right, because the first thing they teach you in New England is to abandon your morals. Seems like this one will be a legitimate victory for the Patriots, so Jones will have nothing to worry about.

Patriots 26-9

Sunday Afternoon

Chicago at Las Vegas  

Bears coach Matt Nagy has officially declared that rookie Justin Fields will be the starting quarterback regardless of Andy Dalton’s injury status going forward. Clearly the plans all along were to start Fields eventually, but for the Bears organization to act like he showed them enough in his two starts is laughable. Haha. See? Told you it was laughable. Here are Fields' numbers so far: 25-52, 347yds, 0 TDs, 2INTs, and he’s taken 12 sacks. That’s almost one sack for every two completions. Maybe taking those repeated hits has displayed a toughness that Nagy is looking for. But if toughness was all that made for a great quarterback then Rick “Crutches” McCutcheon (the only quarterback in NFL history to play a full game on crutches) would be a household name. Instead he’s been lost to time. I only pray that a similar fate doesn’t befall young Mr. Fields.

Raiders 30-16

Cleveland at Los Angeles Chargers 

Oh boy, it’s a matchup of 3-1 teams! Big deal! Half the AFC is 3-1. Ok, not half, but 7 of the 16 teams, so pretty close. What is impressive is that the Browns have given up only 13 combined points over the last two weeks. I don’t care who you’re playing, only surrendering 13 points over two games is something to be proud of. Ok fine, maybe if their opponents had been two separate teams of abducted children who were told they needed to score at least 10 points each in order to ever see their families again. If that were the case, outlandish as it may seem, then I would concede that the Cleveland Browns should not be proud of themselves. Good for those kids for getting something on the board though. A feather in their cap if nothing else.

Chargers 26-24

New York Giants at Dallas  

When the Giants won the coin toss in overtime last week Jabril Peppers (New York’s designated toss-caller) acted as if the Giants already had the game won. He knows his quarterback is Daniel Jones, right? But the weirdest part is, he was actually right! The Giants went right down the field and scored the winning touchdown. Could this be the beginning of a new, more confident Daniel Jones? A guy who doesn't fumble six times a game? A guy who you look at and say, “Yeah sure, he could win this game.” Instead of, “I think that guy just crapped himself. I hope they get a shot of his pants soon. Come on, show us his ass! Show us his ass!” I’m going to answer all of those questions with a firm: I dunno, probably not.

Cowboys 35-20

San Francisco at Arizona  

Believe it or not the Cardinals are the only undefeated team in the league. Impressive. But talk to me after the 7th game. Why the 7th? That’s been their line of demarcation the last two seasons. Through the first seven games in 2019 and 2020 their combined record is 8-5-1. For the remainder of those seasons they’re 5-13. That drop in performance could be attributed to injury problems for Kyler Murray, so it’s probably silly to assume that Arizona will automatically get worse starting with the eighth game. But it’s fair to question whether or not Murray can stay healthy and play at this level for an entire season. Hey, speaking of quarterbacks who can’t stay healthy, Jimmy Garoppolo may or may not play in this game. And as is usually the case regarding Garoppolo, I’m not sure if that matters.

Cardinals 31-19

Sunday Night

Buffalo at Kansas City 

Ohhhh baby, here we go again, it's a rematch last season's AFC Championship game and I am just too jazzed ... Wait a minute, what am I doing?You don't want to hear this from me. Let's just turn it over to Collinsworth: 

Leave the gun, take Collin-oli.

Bills 34-31

Monday Night

Indianapolis at Baltimore   

Last week the Ravens were dead set on tying the record for consecutive 100 yard rushing games by a team. So much so that they ran the ball while up 16 with :03 left. And it worked! That run got them to 102 yards! They did it! Congrats Ravens, you’re now tied for a record that nobody knew about! And this week you just might set the new mark! And by the end of the season none of us will remember it! But it was worth it! We all kind of think you’re pricks now; but it was still totally worth it!

Ravens 30-12


NFL Picks - Week 5 Thursday

Los Angeles Rams at Seattle

When this one kicks off the Seahawks will have officially played three of their last four home games against the Rams. These guys are coming over way too much. They’re the Urkels to Seattle’s Winslows. The Kimmy Gibbler to their Tanners. That kid who keeps coming to my door selling newspaper subscriptions. Stop showing up! I know I keep telling you “Not right now. But come back and check again in 6 months when I’ll have some cash saved up and perhaps be considering a long term commitment to a daily newspaper,” but come on that's clearly a blow off! Besides, no one reads papers anymore, all the best writing is on blogs. Remember kid? I told you that and then made you read some of my old picks, and you said you’d really like to just be on your way and that you wouldn’t bother me anymore? And as you scurried down the hell I shouted, “Come back and check again in 6 months when I’ll have some cash saved up and perhaps be considering a long term commitment to a daily newspaper!” Remember? Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since February. Where the hell is that little jerk?
Seahawks 27-24 


NFL Picks - Week 4


SEASON: 30-18



Sunday Morning


Washington at Atlanta 

Both of these teams are 1-2 with their lone win coming against the Giants. That begs the question, if the Giants aren’t present for this game how will Washington or the Falcons get a win? Maybe they’ll play to a tie, then all jump on a plane to New Orleans together, and throw pebbles at the Giants hotel window until they come out and agree to play. 


Washington 23-20

Houston at Buffalo 

I don’t give the Texans much of a shot in this game, but I believe their best chance is for back-up QB turned starter Davis Mills to change his name to Davis Bills. It could confuse Buffalo, “Hey, this guy’s one of us! Wait, why is he throwing the ball that direction?” So yeah, he could maybe steal a touchdown, but after that the Bills would probably feel so betrayed that they’d spend the rest of the game beating the shit out of him. Within the rules of course. Actually to be honest, some of it will be after the play and downright egregious. But after what Mills tried to pull the refs will look other way. 


Bills 34-17

Detroit at Chicago 

In his debut as a starter, Bears rookie quarterback Josh Fields had 68 yards passing and took 9 sacks for a loss of 67 yards. In the NFL sack yards are subtracted from team passing yards. That means the Bears has 1 yard passing last week. They passed for 3 feet. It only took Lions quarterback Jared Goff two attempts in Week 3 to top that total. Which really isn’t impressive, he only needed to complete a two yard pass and it took him two tries? We could be in for a real slopfest this Sunday, and I can’t wait! Mainly because there will be eight other games to watch, so we can just occasionally check in on this one and have a good laugh. 


Lions 24-19

Carolina at Dallas

Hey, don’t look now but this is a match-up between first place teams. I say don’t look because the Panthers are super self-conscious about their potential success, and they really don’t like people pointing out how well they’re doing. I’m like, just take the compliment guys! But I don’t know, maybe they’re afraid of pursuing their dreams for fear that they’ll fail. Or worse yet, that they’ll get everything they ever wanted and it still won’t be enough. Whoa. Damn. 


Cowboys 26-20

Indianapolis at Miami

Some quarterbacks know when a play has unraveled and choose to drop the pretense by ditching the ball at the feet of the nearest eligible receiver. For years Matt Ryan was the league’s preeminent practitioner of just such a play. Well move over Matty because Carson Wentz is the new King of the Turfball! No QB spikes it more, or with greater relish than Wentz. If I didn’t know any better I’d think the grass is his first read on most plays. It’s certainly his leading receiver at this point. If you’re watching this Sunday keep an eye out for Wentz’s turf balls and maybe even keep a running tally like I do. Take it from me, it’s one of the only ways to make the Colts offense tolerable.


Dolphins 22-20

Cleveland at Minnesota 

You want a game with top running back talent? Well look no further than this ... Oh, you don't want a game with top running back talent? Ok, what do you want? A pizza?!? That has nothing to do with what we’re talking about. No, I’m not saying I don’t want pizza, it’s just completely off topic. What are you thinking, pepperoni? And sausage and mushrooms? Well then fork over some cash jocko, I ain’t footing the entire bill for a three topping large. Besides this was your idea in the first place. 


Vikings 31-28

New York Giants at New Orleans 

Jameis Winston has only attempted 63 passes this season. So yes, he’s the Saints starting quarterback, but I think Sean Payton trusts Winston about as far as he could throw him. Which, to be clear, is not as far as Winston could throw a football. I have to imagine that Payton messes his pants every time Jameis cocks back his arm to throw it deep. Luckily for New Orleans’ coach, his team should be able to impose their will on the Giants, so he can probably leave his diaper and I.V. bags at home. Though, if he already has a diaper and I.V. bags he might as well bring them. Better safe than sorry, I always say. Which is why I wear a diaper 24/7. That and my livestream. Oh, and in case it wasn't clear, the I.V. bags are to combat his diarrhea-induced dehydration.

Saints 27-13

Tennessee at New York Jets

There are some strong contenders out there, but the Jets are probably the worst team in the league right now. No offense Jets fans ... That’s what you’ve been watching, no offense. New York has scored 20 points so far. That’s half of the team with the next fewest. They’re averaging less than a touchdown per game. Hey, that’s the same amount of touchdowns I’m averaging! The Titans don’t have the greatest defense in the league, so maybe the Jets can reach double digits in this one. Then again, they might also score negative points. I think I heard that was possible. 


Titans 30-16

Kansas City at Philadelphia 

The Chiefs are in last place. Tee hee. Enjoy it while it lasts smart ass, because you won’t be able to say that for long! Well actually, even if KC wins this game there’s no way for them to get out of last. Jeez, should the Chiefs just pack it in and build toward next year? Hmm, in a normal 16 game season I’d be tempted to say yes. But now that they have 17 games to work with I’d recommend a slightly more patient approach. Now, if they lose to the Eagles, it’s time for them to see what they can get for Mahomes. 


Chiefs 38-24

Sunday Afternoon


Arizona at Los Angeles Rams

Two undefeated teams enter, only one leaves. That’s right, the loser has to stay overnight in the stadium as punishment. But actually it could be fun. They’re going to sleep on the field and watch a movie on the Jumbotron. Either Castaway or Under Siege because those are the only two that SoFi Stadium has on hand. If the losing team wants to watch something else they’ll have to provide it themselves. I heard DeAndre Hopkins has Terminator 2 for keeps, so he’ll probably bring that just in case. Safe to say, whoever comes up short in the game will end up with an opportunity for the bonding experience of a lifetime after it. 


Rams 31-24

Seattle at San Francisco 

The Seahawks have scored 13 total points in the second half this season. Pete Carroll’s regular postgame extolling of 4th quarter importance begins with him asking his team, “Can you win the game in the first quarter?!?” Normally the answer is a resounding “No!” Though it seems like for the 2021 Seahawks the answer is “Hopefully!” "And can you win the game in the second quarter?!?” “God willing!” Seattle has had double digit leads in each of their losses, so either they need to get up by about 30 at halftime or figure out a way to be more effective late in games. Or maybe do both. Whoa! Can you imagine?!? They’d be unbeatable! 


Seahawks 28-26

Baltimore at Denver

Last week in Detroit the Ravens needed an NFL record 66 yard field goal bouncing off the cross bar to beat the Lions. Now they have to take on the undefeated Broncos. I’ve been saying for a couple weeks that Denver would get to 3-0 and we still wouldn’t know how good they are. Well, that’s about where we’re at. To be fair to the Broncos, they’ve handily defeated the dumpers on their schedule. But to be fair to the rest of us ... those teams were dumpers. I expect a dramatic contest here, especially considering Baltimore has lost in overtime, won by 1 point, and then won by 2 points in their games this season. Also, they’re not dumpers. 


Ravens 23-20

Pittsburgh at Green Bay

The Packers escaped Santa Clara with a victory Sunday night. They also escaped with millions of dollars heisted from local banks during the game. That was their ploy all along. Play a dramatic contest that would distract the area's vault guards. Didn’t you notice how the defense was always scrambling to get back on the field when the offense was done and vice versa? They’d been out robbing banks! Hopefully the feds catch onto these scallawags and arrest the whole team. Barring that though, I don’t like the Steelers' chances. Not with Been Roethlisberger at quarterback. No, that wasn’t a typo. His name is now in the past tense. 


Packers 31-16

Sunday Night


Tampa Bay at New England 

Storylines abound, as the Buccaneers’ ship runs aground. That would be a good headline if Tampa lost this game. That probably won’t happen though. But who knows? Let’s hear what Sunday Night Football’s Cris Collinsworth has to say about it

I agree with everything he said.


Buccaneers 35-17

Monday Night


Las Vegas at Los Angeles Chargers

The Raiders are riding high at 3-0, but they're also a few flaps of a butterfly’s wings away from being 1-2. These guys live on the edge, and so far they’ve gotten away with. They’re like the new Chargers, except they win these wacky games. Which reminds me, the fact that the Chargers didn't lose to the Chiefs last week after scoring an unnecessary touchdown in the final minute, missing the PAT, and giving the ball back to Mahomes may be a sign that their luck has changed. Though I won’t be shocked at all if the Raiders wins this game on a last-second defensive touchdown after Justin Herbert trips on a kneel down and fumbles. 


Chargers 27-24