NFL Picks - Super Bowl XLVIII

Seattle vs. Denver
So here it is. The Game. As you all know by now we're left with a fascinating match-up between the league's top offense and the league's top defense. These teams have followed similar paths, going 13-3, becoming the #1 seed in their respective conferences and winning two home games to reach the Super Bowl. The few losses they do have are startlingly similar in nature. They each lost by 6 in Indianapolis, dropped a close game on the road in what was their toughest match-up of the season (Denver by 3 at New England; Seahawks by 2 at San Francisco), and were stunned at home by a divisional foe (Denver against San Diego; Seahawks against Arizona, both by 7). But outside of those contests, they're a combined 26-0, meaning on Sunday it should be exciting to watch dat action. The way I see it, the key to the game for the Seahawks is generating pressure up the middle and forcing Manning to move in the pocket. This means Michael Bennett needs to have a big game in what could be his last in a Hawks uniform. As for what the key to the Broncos' defensive game plan should be: get out of the way. And that's about all I've got, I suppose there's not much more to say now, except for this.

Seahawks 29-23


NFL Picks - Conference Championships

If you were to ask me before the season what match-ups I thought we'd see in the conference championships these would be them. Or, more accurately, nobody asked me before the season what match-ups I thought we'd see in the conference championships, but I went ahead and wrote my predictions anyway, and these were them. Anticipation has reached a boiling point, and even though I've used this clip before, it seems to be most appropriate right now.

New England @ Denver

Interesting quarterback match-up here between the two tallest back-ups in the game. Mallett (6'6") vs. Osweiler (6'8"), who will prevail? The fans, that's who. Unfortunately for us, these two beanstalks probably won't see the field and we'll be stuck watching Brady vs. Manning for the 15th time. It's like, we get it already! As always when dealing with Manning this late in the season it's necessary to look at the weather report. High 40s and sunny bodes well for Peyton and the Broncos. Brady and Belichick have been to seven AFC championship games together, losing only twice. One of those losses was last season and the other was on the road against Peyton Manning. Then again, they've also beaten Manning twice in the playoffs, once in the conference championship game. So either way history will be repeating itself, which is just so typical of history, it's totally unoriginal.

Broncos 31-26 

San Francisco @ Seattle

It had to happen this way, there was never an alternate timeline in which it didn't. In every possible permutation of how the events of the past 19 weeks played out, it was always these two at the end. One piece of analysis for this game: the 49ers' opponents have botched a would-be pick six in each of their playoff games so far; the Seahawks dropped three interceptions in their divisional round win. Surer hands could lead to a game-changing play this week. As for the rest of this contest, I predict noise and pain. The wait is over (if you're reading this at 3:30pm PT on Sunday), let's go.

Seahawks 20-13


NFL Picks - Divisional Round

Caution: Pretty much all of the links contain a form of cursing; so heads up if you're at work or some kind of a wimp.


New Orleans @ Seattle

Look, I'm not going to say that I saw this divisional round match-up coming before the season even started, but that's exactly what happened. Last week in Philadelphia the Saints managed to get their first road win in franchise history, and proved in the process that they're capable of beating a quality team outdoors away from home. And for that I offer them a hearty congratulations. Now, however, they're headed back to the CLink, the site of their worst loss of the season. While I don't expect the Hawks to steamroll New Orleans in quite the same fashion this time around, I do believe it will be another win for the home team; which would be pretty cool.

Seahawks 27-17

Indianapolis @ New England

Oh baby! Manning vs. Brady! Er, wait a minute ... not so fast! This tale as old as time has a brand new rhyme (It's best not to think about that one for too long). All season long the Colts have dug themselves holes in the first half, managing to climb out of them with uncommon regularity. Of course, last week was their coup de grace, with their overthrow of the Chiefs' governance of that game being quite the coup d'etat. Tom Brady and the Patriots are certainly capable of saddling Indy with another large deficit this week, however, with Belichick on the sideline it's tough to imagine the type of schematic breakdowns and bumbling clock management that plagued Kansas City being an issue for New England.

Patriots 38-24  


San Francisco @ Carolina

Going into last week's wild card match-up between the 49ers and Packers it was hard to know what to expect with the weather being what it was. One thing I did know for certain though was that Colin Kaepernick would not wear sleeves. Not in an effort to prove that he's tough, but simply because he's far too vain to let his arms be covered in front of a national television audience. The Panthers have had a great season to this point, but I believe their lack of playoff experience will hurt them here. I mean, they're probably unaware of how the playoffs even work, I'm not sure that they know they don't get to play another game if they lose. Like I said, these guys do not have much playoff seasoning.

49ers 17-16

San Diego @ Denver

Here we go again, Peyton Manning coming into a cold playoff game as a heavy favorite. What could possibly go wrong? Seemed like a recipe for disaster until I just looked up the weather report for Sunday in Denver and it turns out the high will be 45 degrees. Advantage Manning! Also, the Chargers have already come into (Sports Authority Field at) Mile High and shocked the Broncos once this season. While that might seem beneficial to San Diego I think it just means that Denver's guard will be up. In fact, the three other teams remaining in the AFC playoffs are the only teams that the Broncos lost to this season. Man, their guard is gonna be so high. Advantage Manning! Also, Wes Welker, who did not play in these teams' last match up, will be back on the field Sunday. Advantage Manning!  As we all know, three advantages equal a playoff win; tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme.

Broncos 31-23


NFL Picks - Wild Card Round


Kansas City @ Indianapolis

Two weeks ago these teams met in a triple P (Possible Playoff Preview). Now that game has become a DPP (Definite Playoff Preview). Will it be an ROLT (Repeat Of Last Time) or will it be a T-DOG (Totally Different Outcome, Guys)? Even though the last game was played in KC the Colts prevailed 23-7. With this one being played in a climate controlled Lucas Oil Stadium it would stand to reason that Indy should win again. So to recap, in regards to a Colts victory, the reason that it stands to reason is the game they played earlier this season.

Colts 24-17

New Orleans @ Philadelphia

My pick for this game comes down to one overriding factor: I trust the Saints on the road less than I do this guy. They had three wins away from home in the regular season, and none were against a winning team (they did beat Chicago who was .500). So clearly a win at Philly would be breaking their tendency. I'm not saying it won't happen, I'm just predicting exactly that.

Eagles 30-20


San Diego @ Cincinnati

These Chargers are hot! Four straight wins, including one over the Chiefs' back-ups that only took them 72 minutes of game action to complete. Yikes. That is not promising. Neither is the fact that the Bengals are the last team to beat the Chargers and they did it in San Diego. Also, Cincinnati has not lost at home this year. To me it seems like it's adding up to a Bengals victory, and I kick ass at math.

Bengals 21-14

San Francisco @ Green Bay

Shockingly the Packers are having trouble selling out this game, and are in danger of having the game blacked out locally. A playoff Stinger? That's unheard of! Except for the fact that it could also happen in Cincinnati and Indianapolis. Pretty pathetic gang. However, for the folks in Green Bay it becomes a bit more understandable when you take into account the fact that it is expected to be about zero degrees during the game. But if you can't sell this game out in those weather conditions you officially can't brag about, wax poetic about, or refer wistfully to the "frozen tundra." If it's so awesome then buy a ticket and go check it out already ya wimps (full disclosure: I've never been in a place with temperatures that cold, let alone sat outside in them for 3+ hours). While Aaron Rodgers did pull out the win last week in Chicago, he looked pretty shaky at times. That was against the Bears' defense, which is not nearly as good as San Francisco's. On the other side of the ball, expect the Niners to run the ball often against the Packers' shoddy D. Either that, or they'll step on the field and decide it's just not worth it, too cold.

49ers 20-17 


NFL Picks - Week 17

As the season winds to a close I thought it might be fun and humiliating to look back at the record I predicted for each team at the start of the year. And if you don't think it's going to be fun then you're definitely much cooler than I am, meaning you should be out skateboarding or high fiving, not reading this. So now who's lame? I feel like we got sidetracked, let's get started.

Sunday Morning

Carolina @ Atlanta

Carolina: 7-9
Looks like I underestimated the Panthers. I don't blame myself (a phrase I'll only use once), it was hard to imagine Ron Rivera leading a team to a division championship and a first round bye. Yet here we are in a world where that is a possibility, and it scares the hell out of me.

Atlanta: 11-5
I was way off on this one too. I don't blame myself.

Panthers 24-16

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

Baltimore: 8-8
With a Ravens loss I'll be right on the nose. If it happens I'll certainly be putting it on my resume. I'm not being facetious, "Correctly predicted the Baltimore Ravens 2013 record" will go right below my three Summers at Staples.

Cincinnati: 11-5
Looks like a Bengals win makes me two for two here. You probably think that means that I'll pick Cincy, don't you? Well you're pretty smart (and attractive).

Bengals 27-17

Houston @ Tennessee

Houston: 10-6
How was I supposed to know that Matt Schaub would decline so sharply? What do I look like, a guy who watches a bunch of football and should see these things coming?

Tennessee: 6-10
Pretty close. I can spot lousiness like nobody's biz!

Titans 22-19

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

Jacksonville: 3-13
They've already reached 4 wins, making their season a success. Expectations will be higher next season for Gus Bradley & co. Better put up at least 6 wins or the Jaguars fan(s) will start to grumble.

Indianapolis: 8-8
I can't blame myself here. Their erratic play from last season has only continued in 2013, but somehow they find ways to win more often than not. Usually it involves outscoring the opponent in the time allotted for a regulation football game.

Colts 31-17

New York Jets @ Miami

New York: 3-13
Boy I really thought these guys would stink, and I'm not so sure they don't. I know they say they're 7-8 right now, but has anybody delved a little deeper to see if it's true? I certainly can't remember watching them win seven games. I'm going to pull the loose thread on this one and see how far it unravels. Stay tuned gang.

Miami: 8-8
Close, but I think the Dolphins will get the win this Sunday to go 9-7 and grab the #6 seed in the AFC. Which is impressive, because you wouldn't think that Dolphins would be able to grab anything.

Dolphins 19-13

Detroit @ Minnesota

Detroit: 7-9
Bingo! The late season collapse of the Lions has me within striking distance. I have only Turbo Redface (Jim Schwartz) to thank. You're the real hero.

Minnesota: 5-11
Regardless of whether or not the Vikings win this Sunday I'll miss by a half game. If that isn't the best argument for abolishing ties in the NFL than I don't know what is.

Vikings 30-27

Washington @ New York Giants

Washington: 8-8
Not gonna blame myself on this one. While I did think that RG3 would struggle to stay healthy I had no idea that he would miss the final three games of the season due to ... well, I'm still not sure. Maybe because he's a Republican.

New York: 10-6
I had the Giants winning the division, and knowing this group, I wouldn't count them out just yet. Take your "mathematics" and shove it. These guys never say die!

Giants 38-31

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh

Cleveland: 9-7
Can't blame myself. Who in their right mind would have predicted that the Browns, the Cleveland Browns, with Brandon Weeden at quarterback, would have a losing record? Boggles the mind.

Pittsburgh: 10-6
They still have an outside chance of making my playoffs prediction correct, but they'll need a lot of help. That's so typical of our society today, everybody's looking for handouts. Show me a team that pulls itself up by its bootstraps and I'll show you a winner.

Steelers 23-13

Sunday Afternoon

St. Louis @ Seattle

St. Louis: 8-8
Well they're 7-8 right now. I've never wanted to be wrong about anything more in my life. Ok, maybe that time I thought I had the plague. But even with that it's a toss-up.

Seattle: 16-0
Still not sure how I didn't nail this one.

Seahawks 21-7

Green Bay @ Chicago

Green Bay: 11-5
I blame the discrepancy here on Aaron Rodgers' left cllllavicle. If he hadn't suffered that injury I would have been exactly right. Let's just take that comment at face value and not examine that any further.

Chicago: 8-8
A loss on Sunday and that will be their record. Unfortunately for the Bears, and really the rest of the NFC, I think that's exactly what will happen. Time to hibernate gents, sleep well.

Packers 31-24

Denver @ Oakland

Denver: 12-4
Close, but no cigar. Well guess what hot shots, I don't smoke cigars. So now who's laughing? Hmm, actually it doesn't seem like anybody is. I mean, I know I'm not, and I doubt you are. Hey, how about this. There, now we're all laughing.

Oakland: 2-14
I went too low on this squad, and I apologize. Congrats Raiders, you got 4 wins and you proved me wrong. Mission accomplished!

Broncos 38-20

Buffalo @ New England

Buffalo: 5-11
The Bills got their sixth win last week, so it looks like I'll be one shy. SHIT!

New England: 11-5
They'll likely win this week and get to 12-4, which should really just be my default prediction for them as long as Bill Belichick is alive. No, not as long as he's coach, as long as he's alive.

Patriots 35-17

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans

Tampa Bay: 7-9
I think you and I both know that if they had started this sicko in Week 1 they'd have at least 7 wins.

New Orleans: 10-6
They'd have to lose to Tampa to make this record a reality. At home, with a playoff spot on the line, I just don't see it happening. And if it starts to happen I'll close my eyes so that I don't have to see it happening.

Saints 27-14

San Francisco @ Arizona

San Francisco: 10-6
I stand by this prediction. I think they lose this week and the NFL eventually strips them of a previous victory. It could be years down the road, so my accuracy on this one may be TBD for quite some time.

Arizona: 6-10
I've made a terrible mistake.

Cardinals 20-17

Kansas City @ San Diego

Kansas City: 7-9
I thought they'd improve, but I didn't see this coming. But if somebody had predicted 11 or 12 wins for the Chiefs prior to the season we would have called them an asshole. Or at least I would have, you probably would have wimped out and been like, "Yeah I could see that."

San Diego: 6-10
Lesson learned: underestimate Philip Rivers and live to regret it. How has it taken me this long to realize that?

Chargers 34-24

Sunday Night

Philadelphia @ Dallas

Philadelphia: 6-10
Can you blame me? I know I can't.

Dallas: 7-9
Missed it by that much. I knew the Cowboys would be pretty mediocre, for some reason I didn't predict them to be exactly mediocre.

Eagles 29-21


NFL Picks - Week 16

Sunday Morning

Miami @ Buffalo

You have to admire that the Dolphins haven't allowed their season to be derailed by a big, fat scumbag. Of course I'm referring to Santa, who publicly announced that he would not be visiting Miami this year. As of right now they're still on the outside of the AFC playoffs due to being on the wrong end of a tie-breaker, but if they win their final two they have a good shot at making it over the Ravens who have a tougher schedule. But traveling to Buffalo to play a football game is never easy. In fact, this time of year traveling anywhere to do anything isn't easy. It's like are you kidding me with these delays? And I don't care what TSA recommends, I ain't showing up three hours before my flight.

Bills 24-21

Minnesota @ Cincinnati

It's MIN vs. CIN and I'm not mincin' words when I proclaim that this will not be the game of the day. Is that statement controversial? Maybe. But guess what, I'm bold as I wanna be; deal with it. The Bengals could actually miss the playoffs if they stumble in their final two games, but with both of them being at home they should be safe. As safe as anyone can be in this barbaric bloodsport.

Bengals 30-22

Indianapolis @ Kansas City

It's a triple P y'all: Possible Playoff Preview. And you know that nothing gets me more jazzed. The Chiefs have exploded offensively over the past four weeks to the tune of 40.5 points per game. What does that tune sound like? Probably similar to this. The Colts have proven more than capable of giving up large amounts of points and I expect nothing less here.

Chiefs 35-27

Tampa Bay @ St. Louis

With their win over the Saints last week the Rams proved that there's still fight in them. Of course, that doesn't do them much good now that they're 6-8, but at least they can hold their head high. Granted, not as high as many of the other teams in the NFL, but they haven't given up. True, it would actually help their draft position if they did give up, but that just isn't the Jeff Fisher way. The Jeff Fisher way seems to be all about getting as close to .500 as possible. Here's one more step in the right direction.

Rams 23-16

Cleveland @ New York Jets

A lot of folks would tell you that this game means nothing.

Jets 20-17

Dallas @ Washington

With the chill of another December comes the inevitable weekly collapse of Tony Romo. Honestly though, isn't it time that we all stop blaming him for these game ruining interceptions? If it weren't for the defense allowing the other team back into the game Romo wouldn't even have to blow it at the end. A lost at Washington could doom Dallas's season and cause many a TV analyst's head to cave in. Fortunately for their brains, I think the Cowboys will manage to get a win.

Cowboys 31-26

New Orleans @ Carolina

Do you like playoff implications? If you don't then why don't you just get the hell out of here right now. I don't have room for lame-o's. If New Orleans wins they will clinch the NFC South title and a first round bye. If the Panthers beat the Saints they only need to win in Atlanta in Week 17 to clinch those aforementioned accolades. The loser of this game will most likely start the playoffs on the road as a wild card. So we're dealing with a lot of shit. We all know that the Saints struggle on the road, and this game happens to be scheduled to be played in Carolina (Charlotte, North Carolina specifically).

Panthers 23-20

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

Ohhhhhh baby. Hold onto your butts! Pump up the volume and raise da roof! This is gonna be a wild ride! Everybody dance now! It's getting hot in here! Footballllll!

Jaguars 27-23

Denver @ Houston

Whatever happened to the Broncos offense last week? Not to mention the milkman, the paper boy, or evening TV. They had to scratch and claw just to get to 20 points and on their final drive Peyton Manning was checking down at a Jason Campbellian pace. Now they have to visit Houston who somehow boasts the second best passing defense in the league. Of course, they also boast a 12 game losing streak. Though, I'm not sure that a 12 game losing streak is something that can be boasted. The Texans won't have to worry about that for long though, because after Sunday it will be 13.

Broncos 35-17

Sunday Afternoon

Arizona @ Seattle

One more win and the Hawks will clinch home field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs. I'm not sure about the team, but I don't see any reason to wait until next week to get that win. And just to prove I mean business I've decided to board a plane and personally stand in the Hawks' Nest to make sure the job gets done.

Seahawks 27-10

New York Giants @ Detroit

The Lions lost control of their destiny last week with a home loss to the Ravens. Now they are subject to the same chaotic happenstance as the rest of us. Their fate is at the mercy of the random machinations of the universe. Good luck guys, if there even is such a thing.

Lions 34-20

Pittsburgh @ Green Bay

Don't look now ... Don't look ... Don't look ... Ok, look look look! The Packers have a winning record again and they only need to win their final two games to become NFC North champs. There's also a chance that Aaron Rodgers will return from his broken clllllavicle injury for one or both of those games. Either way I think Green Bay gets the win this week.

Packers 24-20

Oakland @ San Diego

Even though the Chargers got a big win last Thursday over the Broncos they'll still need a lot of help to make the playoffs. But nobody's going to help you unless you help yourself, and once you do that, you've truly won. That being said, it would really help if the Ravens and Dolphins both lost their last two games.

Chargers 38-24

New England @ Baltimore

The end of the Ravens' 2013 regular season is following the exact opposite trajectory of their 2012 regular season. After starting 9-2 in '12 they stumbled to a 10-6 finish. This season they started 4-6 and have now won four in a row to sit at 8-6 with a legitimate shot at returning to the playoffs to defend their title. They'll most likely get the win this week over a Patriots team that is 3-4 on the road this season.

Ravens 26-23

Sunday Night

Chicago @ Philadelphia

CHI vs. PHI? It's all Greek to me. Thank you everybody, goodnight!

Eagles 30-27

Monday Night

Atlanta @ San Francisco

Whoops, forgot there was one more game. Can ya blame me? I hope this game moves swiftly, I hope it goes quick so we can finally say goodbye to that dump called Candlestick.

49ers 35-10


NFL Picks - Week 15

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ New York Giants

Seahawks 31-14

Washington @ Atlanta

This battle of NFC foes is going to come down to who wants it more. And by it, I mean the #1 pick in the draft. The winner of this game will take themselves out of the running. Oh wait, that's right, the Redskins have already taken themselves out of the running by trading away their 2014 1st round pick to the Rams. That gives Washington no incentive to lose, yet to their credit they just keep on doing it, and in more embarrassing fashion each week. Last week I picked the Falcons and predicted that I'd live to regret it; this proved to be prophetic as they lost late to the Packers. Fool me once, shame on me. I hate being shamed, so I'll stubbornly stick with Atlanta this week.

Falcons 27-20

Chicago @ Cleveland

It looks like Jay Cutler will be healthy enough to start Sunday, but at this point Josh McCown might give Chicago the best chance to win. Aaaaand, there it is, the statement that was foretold eons ago to cause the ground to open and the Earth to be swallowed whole. We had a good run folks, but now we're all screwed thanks to Josh McCown and his relative success. The Browns will most likely be demoralized after blowing their game against New England last week, I expect a flat effort.

Bears 24-19

Houston @ Indianapolis

It's impressive that the Texans have managed to lose so many in a row without getting blown out. They've dropped their last seven by seven points or less. Meanwhile, the Colts have somehow becomes the first team in the league to clinch their division despite an 8-5 record. I really hope that they were presented with AFC South Champions hats and shirts in the locker room after their loss in Cincinnati last week; furthermore, it would be even better if they really embraced it and started celebrating with champagne. Luck's probably a teetotaler though, so that most likely didn't happen. Indy should get back on track (at least temporarily) against this Houston team already looking towards next season. In other words, look for Luck to lick the lacking Texans looking to lock down the #1 pick.

Colts 26-20

New England @ Miami

The Dolphins avoided a near catastrophe last week in Pittsburgh when Antonio Brown barely stepped out of bounds on the last play of the game after a series of "laterals." The play was kind of a metaphor for their season in that halfway through Richie Incognito showed up and called someone the N word. The Patriots' chances for the remainder of the season took a big hit when Rob Gronkowski's knee blew up last Sunday. Without him, New England is considerably weaker, however, their average IQ is considerably higher.

Dolphins 24-21

Philadelphia @ Minnesota

Adrian Peterson almost broke his ankle last week, which means he probably would have been ready to play a Thursday game. However, with his team out of the playoff race and his future to worry about, er some bull shit, it might be wise to shut him down. Then again, "wise" isn't in the Vikings vocabulary. That's because they speak Scandinavian languages, so really no English is in their vocabulary.

Eagles 28-17

San Francisco @ Tampa Bay

Can Mike Glennon do this? I've learned to stop saying "no" in response to that question. Of course, if the this in question were a back flip I'd probably say no. I mean, c'mon, there's no way this guy's doing a back flip. Can he beat the Niners though? Why the hell not? Don't answer that.

Buccaneers 21-20

Buffalo @ Jacksonville

You're going to call me crazy, which is pretty insensitive considering my history of mental illness, but the Jags could win out and finish 7-9. After this they have a home game against Tennessee, then a Week 17 trip to Indianapolis, who could have nothing to play for at that point. It would be a stunning turn around for a team that looked to be historically bad earlier in the season. So kudos to you Jacksonville, you're now merely mediocre. And that is a testament to what determination and heart can accomplish in today's National Football League.

Jaguars 22-17

Sunday Afternoon

Kansas City @ Oakland

The Chiefs got back on the right track last week with a throttling of the Redskins that sounds more like a hate crime than I'd realized. Meanwhile, Matt McGloin couldn't quite get the job done for the Raiders. Of course, no one has quite got the job done for the Raiders for over 10 years now, so we should probably cut him some slack. And if you're not into cutting slacks then why'd you become a tailor? (Note: the last sentence only applies to those readers who are tailors, or Taylors if you're hearing this being read aloud I suppose, though it wouldn't be nearly as funny)

Chiefs 33-21

New York Jets @ Carolina

Last week I declared that I wouldn't pick the Jets as long as Geno Smith was their starting QB. They proceeded to put up 37 points in a win over Oakland and Geno played pretty well. Of course, that was a much easier match-up than he'll have this week when they travel to Carolina. Specifically North Carolina. If they just get in the plane and say, "Carolina please!" the pilot will probably be more than a little confused and they risk being late to the game. I don't give New York much of a chance even if they do arrive on time.

Panthers 23-9

Green Bay @ Dallas

It looks like Aaron Rodgers will miss yet another game with his broken clllllavicle. That's the bad news for the Packers; the good news is that they're going against a Cowboys' defense that was just embarrassed by Josh McCown (Flames bursting forth from beneath the ground! Run!). Despite that, Jerry Jones stood by his D coordinator Monte Kiffin saying that he is "the right man for the job." Though I suppose he could have been talking about an entirely different job, like creamed corn eater or scariest grandpa. All things considered though, I just don't think Matt Flynn has it in him to get this win on the road against a quality? team.

Cowboys 31-24 

Arizona @ Tennessee

The Cardinals are only 2-4 on the road this season, but the Titans are only 2-4 at home. So in this situation it would make sense to just take the better team. But when have you known me to make sense? The answer is always, I am nothing if not logical. Anyway, I predict that on a pivotal play Ryan Fitzpatrick will slip on a banana peel and fall (kerplunk!) into a puddle making him all wet and ruining his new pants.

Cardinals 27-17

New Orleans @ St. Louis

As if trying to exemplify that they're much better at home, the Saints dominated the Panthers in the Superdome six days after being throttled in Seattle. This game is being played outside of New Orleans, so it figures to at least be competitive. And if there's one team that you can count on to at least be competitive (and nothing more) then it's the Rams (as long as you ignore their recent double digit losses ... damn it Rams).

Saints 24-17

Sunday Night

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers haven't officially been eliminated from the playoffs, but I think we can all agree that they should just go away now. Go on! No one wants you here! Can't you see that!? Of course, they'll probably ruin their poetic exit and win this game, just to be dicks.

Steelers 20-17

Monday Night

Baltimore @ Detroit

What a storied rivalry. I can remember my great grandpeppy settin' me down on his knee and telling me about the first ever match-up between these two squads way back in '98. Just to be clear, that was 1998, and one of only three times they've played each other. Not sure why great grandpeppy enjoyed those games so much, or if he could even see the screen clearly, but I'll be damned if I won't think of him when I'm watching this game. Probably because I'll once again be viewing it from atop his knee. We have an uncomfortably odd relationship. Did I mention we're not actually related?

Lions 30-23