11.17.2017

NFL Picks - Week 11

Sunday Morning

Detroit @ Chicago
After winning two games with a comically low amount of pass attempts (23 total) Mitchell Trubisky has been let loose the past two weeks to less than mixed results. So, stirred results? He’s averaged 34 pass attempts in consecutive losses. Sure you could argue that if the Bears get behind it leads to him having to pass more, but how about this: they get behind, and just refuse to throw. Stick to the game plan no matter what! Down by 17 in the 3rd quarter? Keep running! I mean the team with more rushing attempts almost always wins; this is too easy! And if you’re losing yards with the run, just kneel on the ball. Basically, just make sure Trubisky throws it no more than 10 times. That’s your winning formula.

Lions 26-16



Jacksonville @ Cleveland
Poor Browns, they were actually up 24-17 late in the 3rd quarter last week before giving up 21 unanswered points to fall to the Lions. Even when you think they’re getting it right they manage to screw it up. It’s like a puppy that finally poops outside but then tramples through his own mess and drags it back into the house on its paws. Likewise, after an 0-5 start in Cleveland it’s safe to say the Browns aren’t house-trained. Meanwhile the Jags have actually been better on the road this season, outscoring opponents by 17 per game. When nothing has to give, it usually doesn’t. 

Jaguars 29-9



Baltimore @ Green Bay
Believe it or not the Ravens have the highest average margin of victory in the league at almost 22 points per win. Unfortunately for Baltimore they’ve only 4-5. These guys should save some of those points! Obviously that’s not possible ... but what if it was? What if they could declare during a game that any points they score from there on out only count toward the next game? They’d have to be certain that they were going to win the current game while also considering who was next on their schedule and how many bonus points they may or may not be entering that game with. Of course, this would also make the current game more compelling because let’s say they decided to start rolling over their scoring when they were up 21, but then the losing team starts coming back. Sorry Ravens, better start playing D! So why doesn’t the NFL adopt this rule?!? Maybe because it’s stupid and not fair to penalize teams for having to play an opponent coming off a blowout? Yep! That’s exactly why. Consequently the Ravens will just have to start trying to win every game by 22.

Ravens 24-19



Arizona @ Houston
Sunday (most likely) marks the long-awaited return of Blaine Gabbert to an NFL field. Ok, ok, everybody calm down. I know, I’m like you, I could sit here and reel off my top 5 Gabbert moments, or tell you exactly where I was for each and every one of his 38 career TD passes. And I’m sure we’ll all have some trouble sleeping on Saturday night in anticipation of what’s to transpire Sunday. But let’s pump the brakes and relax just a bit, this is Blaine’s first start with a new team, it might take some time for him to ... Aw, who am I kidding? He’s gonna go out there and sling it like he did during his glory days in Jacksonville. You can scrap my Christmas list Santa, because we've already received the gift Gab. 

Cardinals 18-17



Tampa Bay @ Miami 
This is the game that was originally scheduled for Week 1 but delayed due to a hurricane. As a result these teams are in the midst of playing 16 straight weeks, but if you gave them both the option right now they might go ahead and tap out at 10. Are the Dolphins technically only one game out of a wild card spot in the AFC? Yes, but can you fathom Miami actually making the playoffs? And no, you can’t create some fantastical scenario in which all the other teams get mono, or Jay Cutler starts giving a shit. It’s hard to imagine, right? What’s also hard to imagine is anyone, even within Florida, watching this game without money, or body parts riding on it. 

Buccaneers 17-14



Los Angeles Rams @ Minnesota
Who would’ve thought that this would turn out to be a pivotal game in the NFC? Me, that’s who. In fact, here’s what I wrote in an unpublished excerpt back in early September, “Keep an eye on that Rams/Vikings game in Week 11, it could end up having major playoff implications. But back to what I️ was saying earlier about that screenplay I'm working on; so it’s a buddy-cop comedy starring Louis CK and Kevin Spacey ...” Ohhhhkay, so I didn’t have it all figured out, but who among us does? Just look at the Vikings, they’re 7-2 but can’t quite figure out what they should do at starting quarterback. Stick with Case Keenum, who’s done an admirable job this season, or insert Teddy Bridgewater, who hasn’t been able to play in a game since January of 2016? Some are wary of a player who’s been on the shelf for 22 months, but I say that’s nothing, I just ate a Top Ramen package that expired 6 years ago. I️t doesn’t go bad! However, I fear we might not say the same thing about Case Keenum after Sunday. 

Rams 27-23



Kansas City @ New York Giants
Last week the Giants did what no team in the NFL has been able to do this season: lose to the 49ers. After the loss New York coach Ben McAdoo managed to do something even more difficult: keep his job. Look, I️ know he went 11-5 as head coach last season, but the Giants are 1-8 now, they’ve clearly given up, and again, Ben McAdoo looks like a lame William Forsythe. Considering he’s half the man, let’s go ahead and call him Twosythe from now on. So how much longer can Billy Twos last? I’ll set the spread at 35; meaning if the Chiefs win by more than that he’s gone. Any less and he’ll probably survive for another week like the cockroaches that are living in his mustache. That’s not just wild speculation, I have it on good authority that there are multiple cockroaches making residence within his facial hair. 

Chiefs 42-17



Washington @ New Orleans
Washington has been through a terribly rough stretch of their schedule over the past month: @PHI, DAL, @SEA, MIN, and now @NO. It’s a true gauntlet, and when they come out on the other side of it their playoff aspirations may be mere daydreams. But when all is said and done will they be better men for it? Absolutely not. Those playoff shares are serious cash baby! Say what you want about testing their mettle, but an indomitable spirit ain’t gonna buy you a new rug. I say the Saints win their eighth in a row, while the Skins get to look forward to a game against the Giants next week.

Saints 23-16



Sunday Afternoon

Buffalo @ Los Angeles Chargers
Last week the Chargers and Jaguars “competed” in a game that was akin to a John Lackey lookalike contest, in that no one wanted to win it. Eventually though, Jacksonville did, and the Chargers and everyone who watched was worse off afterward. Speaking of not wanting to win games, the Bills have looked abysmal as of late, giving up a total of 81 points in consecutive losses to fall to 5-4. Despite still being in wild card position Buffalo has decided to bench starting quarterback Tyrod Taylor in favor of (I believe) the creator of the urban sombrero Nathan Peterman. As for LA, Philip Rivers may have to miss the first start of his career due to being in the concussion protocol. So we could be left with a Nathan Peterman/Kellen Clemens match-up. Phil Rivers isn’t the only one whose head hurts.

Chargers 24-13



Cincinnati @ Denver 
Here are two teams who came into the season with playoff aspirations. Well if playoff aspirations were candies and nuts then they’d be just like ifs and buts. But unfortunately for these teams they’ve had no sundaes on Sundays this season. Oh boy, this "metaphor" is getting worse as it goes, much like the Bengals and Broncos’ seasons. Denver has lost 5 in a row and their once vaunted defense has given up a total of 121 points over the last three games. Sure maybe some of those were from scores by opposing defenses, but I didn’t do that research, and you what, I shouldn’t have to for this game. I guess I'll go with the home team? Let's move on.

Broncos 20-17



New England @ Oakland 
This game will be played in Mexico City, and marks the first time the NFL has ventured south of the border since the infamous Monday night game between the Texans and Raiders last season in which Brock Osweiler complained that a fan’s laser pointer was being shined in his eyes. One can only wonder what sort of distraction the people of Mexico City have in store for Tom Brady this time around. Air horns? You betcha. Flares? Absolutely. Bags of urine? Undoubtedly. But keep in mind, this is Tom Brady they’re dealing with, not Brock Osweiler, they'll need to pull out all the stops to get under his skin. That’s why they’ve hopefully made into reality what I’ve imagined in my head, and that’s a urine laser. And yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like, a laser pointer that shoots a urine laser hundreds of yards in a straight line. Hey Brady, good luck running the offense with an awesome stream of piss distracting you while it shoots down the sideline ... Oh wait! Better yet, they can just spray it right in his face! That'll be way more distracting.

Patriots 35-24



Sunday Night

Philadelphia @ Dallas
After a couple of subpar Sunday night matchups in recent weeks, we finally have an intriguing contest. But don’t take I️t from me, here’s SNF analyst Cris Collinsworth:


Anybody else feel like he's making some of these stories up? 

Eagles 31-24



Monday Night

Atlanta @ Seattle
A lot of injury concerns going into this one. For the Falcons, running back Devonta Freeman suffered his second concussion of the season last week and is likely to miss this game, and possibly more in the near future. I’m sure he’d like to play, but if he were savvier he would have just blown off the tests like Russell Wilson did last Thursday in Arizona. Now that’s the reckless, short-sighted heart of a champion right there. To be fair, apparently Wilson did pass the concussion tests after the end of the drive, but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to operate more like a pop quiz rather than an exam that you prepare for. Regardless, Wilson will be ready to go on Monday; the same cannot be said for a handful of other key Seahawks however. Will this pile-up of injuries become an insurmountable obstacle? Not if the rest of team simply follows Wilson’s example: you’re not injured if you really don’t want to be.

Seahawks 23-17 

11.16.2017

NFL Picks - Week 11 Thursday

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh
NBC has announced that the majority of this game will be broadcast from the point of view of the SkyCam, partly in an effort to attract a gamer audience used to this view while playing Madden. It’s an interesting tactic, but if they really want Madden players to tune in NBC has to go the extra mile and allow viewers to talk to one another via headset throughout the contest. Sure it will be a jumbled mess of millions of voices rife with curse words, racial slurs, and despicable trolling but ya gotta capture that millennial demographic somehow baby! Also, let’s not pretend that using the SkyCam for the bulk of a game is a new innovation, this was done 16 years ago. The league was the XFL and everything worked out just fine for ... is there still time for NBC to reconsider?

Steelers 27-20

11.10.2017

NFL Picks - Week 10

Sunday Morning 

Green Bay @ Chicago
On Sunday another chapter in this classic rivalry will be penned. And the two authors will be ... Brett Hundley and Mitchell Trubisky? Did anybody clear this with the publisher? Hopefully they’ll throw in a bunch of pictures or something because otherwise this could be a boring read. The Bears are 2-2 at home this season with each of those games being played against teams that are .500 or above. Technically the Packers fit that bill, but they haven’t won a game since Aaron Rodgers went down with a broken collar bone. And unless this one has a twist ending, I’d expect that trend to continue. 

Bears 19-13



Cleveland @ Detroit
This is a huge game for Browns coach Hue Jackson, because with a victory he could double the amount of wins he’s had with Cleveland. Of course, he’s had that same opportunity ever since he won his first game with the Browns last December. What I'm trying to say is Hue Jackson has only one win as their head coach. He’s 1-23. Is this 100% his fault? Yes. So there ya go, problem identified and, with a simple firing, problem solved. The Cleveland brass has to act now though while they still have a shot to run the table and make the playoffs! Just kidding, the Browns were mathematically eliminated from the postseason in August.

Lions 28-18



Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis 
The Colts won last week to improve to 3-6 on the season. Their three wins have come over the winless 49ers, the winless Browns, and the Tom Savage Texans. Not impressive, but when you consider that they’re starting Jacoby Brissett at quarterback you could maybe cut them some slack. Of course, they’ll need more than slack to beat the Steelers this Sunday. They’ll need smack, thwack, and crack. Just to be clear, those are drugs not onomatopoeias. You’re probably wondering what “thwack” is ... don’t ask ... because I don’t have the answer. All I know is that it can make you feel invincible to zone coverage. It’s unclear if the Colts have any of those narcotics in their possession though, so I'll pick Pittsburgh. 

Steelers 31-14



Los Angeles Chargers @ Jacksonville 
Four weeks ago the Los Angeles Rams traveled to Jacksonville to play the Jags, and now their fellow townsfolk the Chargers will do the same. What I wanted to know was if there’s any LA superfan who planned a month-long family vacation to northern Florida around these two football games? Well I looked into it, and the answer is yes, his name is Dale Snidley and he took his family of five to Jacksonville on October 13th prior to the aforementioned Rams/Jags game. Dale Snidley is now divorced. His wife took the kids back to California five days after arriving in Florida. He could’ve (and definitely should’ve) followed them, but Dale Snidley was determined to see this game in person. Also, he paid in full up front on that condo rental. So was it all worth it? Ask him after the game. 

Jaguars 24-17



New Orleans @ Buffalo
Interesting match-up here. Not that all match-ups aren’t interesting, each one has something to offer and is special in their own right. That being said, we’re not dealing with Jets/Bucs here, this one has real intrigue. The Saints have won six in a row since starting the season 0-2, while the Bills are one of only two teams that are undefeated at home. So whose streak ends on Sunday? Whoever does their laundry that day. I'd like to apologize to the readers for my crude joke about underwear streaks just now. I'd take it back if I could, but as you know by now, I don’t. Delete. Anything! That’s my policy, and yes, it’s a stupid one. Buffalo looked lousy last Thursday, but they’re a different team at home (not literally ... I think), and I believe their Ralph Wilson mojo continues. Upon further review it turns out the name of the Bills stadium is now New Era Field, and has been since 2015. I’m strongly considering changing my pick because of this, but I’ll stick with my gut. 

Bills 23-20



New York Jets @ Tampa Bay
Hey what’s wrong Jets/Bucs? Oh you read what I said in the last game’s write-up? Hey, I was just joking! Your game has plenty of intrigue! There’s Ryan Fitzpatrick playing against his former team, and um, Josh McCown playing against his former team. Or what about Austin Seferian-Jenkins ... playing against his former team? Alright, so maybe I’m grasping at straws here. But hey, the Jets have a chance to get to 5-5 with a win, so there’s that. Chin up Jets/Bucs, at least you’re not Giants/Niners, right?!? Ha, I mean that game is truly pathetic. Bunch of losers! Haha. So we’re cool, right Jets/Bucs? Good, because I don’t want to spend any more time thinking about you. JK!

Buccaneers 17-16



Minnesota @ Washington
15 months after suffering a devastating knee injury Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater has been reactivated, and will serve as the back-up to Case Keenum. Consequently, Sam Bradford has returned back to the protective womb of the IR. In an ironic twist, this time it’s because of a healthy knee, albeit somebody else's. This is the fourth time Bradford has been placed on injured reserve in this, his eighth season. It’s a biennial tradition akin to the Ryder Cup, and not merely because of the timing, both of them remind me that I hate Colin Montgomerie. Minnesota has only played two real road games this season, one was a 26-9 loss at Pittsburgh while the other was a 20-17 win at Chicago. That’s about as impressive as Colin Montgomerie’s performance in majors. With that in mind I’ll give a slight edge to Washington. 

Redskins 13-10



Cincinnati @ Tennessee
A.J. Green has become so frustrated with the Bengals season that he’s just choking people and throwing punches at heads that have helmets covering them. And I don’t think he’s done yet. Don’t be surprised to see Green attempt to put Logan Ryan in an armbar on the first play from scrimmage Sunday. And if that results in another ejection for the star receiver then great; playing in the Bengals’ offense is boring as hell. 

Titans 34-14



Sunday Afternoon

Houston @ Los Angeles Rams
Last Sunday Tom Savage returned to the role of Texans starting quarterback after graciously allowing rookie Deshaun Watson to have the job for six weeks so that the young guy could get some experience. But now Savage is back in the saddle and ready to ride! His first foray back on the trail was a bit bumpy as he completed only 19 of 44 and couldn’t get the ball in the end zone on Houston’s final drive resulting in a 20-14 loss to the lowly Colts. But now that he’s got the lay of the land and reacquainted himself with the speed of the game, look out defenses! No seriously, be on the lookout, you might have an errant pass headed your way.

Rams 38-20



Dallas @ Atlanta
Ezekiel Elliott won't actually be suspended. You imagined that. All of those articles you read monitoring the daily goings on involving appeals and delays, they were all merely an illusion. As for that time you thought you were dreaming when you kissed your brother, well that was real, and you’re going to have a very uncomfortable Thanksgiving. Speaking of sibling smooches, they say a tie is like kissing your sister, and that’s probably how Atlanta feels at the halfway point. They’re 4-4 having scored 170 points and given up 172. Their whole season has basically been one big tie so far. Big ties make for terrible fashion choices and frustrated fanbases. So it would behoove the Falcons to break their tie in a positive fashion on Sunday.

Falcons 24-20



New York Giants @ San Francisco
Alright, let’s dig into ... Oh what? You’re pissed because I made fun of you to Jets/Bucs? Well guess what, your game does suck. You’re a combined 1-16. That’s a .059 winning percentage, the worst any game will have this season. You’re pathetic Giants/Niners! Six years ago you were the NFC title game, and look at you now. (Don’t worry guys, I’m just going hard on them so that they’ll take a look in the mirror and start down a road to self-improvement. I’m doing this for their own good.) Alright, where was I, oh yeah, you’re all sorry excuses for football players, and humans in general. I talked to your families and they’re all ashamed of you. (This is really going to inspire them!) You guys probably think I’m going hard on you to inspire you or some BS like that. Nah, that ain’t the case. You legitimately disgust me and you should all quit football. (Again, don’t worry guys, this is all for their own good! I just didn’t want to make it too obvious.) You SUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK! (They’ll thank me later)

49ers 20-17



Sunday Night

New England @ Denver
The well-rested Patriots travel to Denver to take on the oft-bested Broncos in a non-pivotal AFC clash. Let’s see what Sunday Night Football analyst Cris Collinsworth has to say about it:


Whoa ... Probably best if we just move on. 

Patriots 28-16



Monday Night

Miami @ Carolina
This is the third straight prime time game for the Dolphins, and I have to imagine that the networks are not thrilled. In fact, rumor has it that ESPN was planning on airing old episodes of The Chair in this game’s place until the NFL forced their hand. I don’t blame ESPN though, who in the world is going to watch this game outside of these teams’ fans? Fantasy owners and that’s it. I mean, are you going to watch it? If you’re honesty going to watch this game send me an e-mail and explain yourself. And if you really are, doooo you wanna watch together? Nah, forget it. Yeah it was a stupid idea. Heh, pretty funny when I said that thing about watching the game together, right? I mean I was TOTALLY serious because I’m SOOOO lonely LOL ... Sigh.

Panthers 24-15

11.09.2017

NFL Picks - Week 10 Thursday

Seattle @ Arizona
Occasionally in an attempt to better understand these match-ups I like to take a look at statistics. It’s this kind of new age analytics that keeps me on the cutting edge of the industry. So let’s turn to some numbers now. The Cardinals are 4-4. Their four wins (two of which were in overtime) have come against teams with a combined record of 5-20 (in games not against Arizona), with an average margin of victory of 5 points. Their four losses have come against teams with a combined record of 19-10 by an average margin of almost 21 points. Now comes the tricky part of this whole statistics movement, trying to decipher these complicated figures. I’m going to take a stab at it though and conclude that the Cardinals are good enough to beat sub-par competition, but struggle mightily when they play quality opponents. I know, I know, I'm dangling way out there on that limb. You’re probably thinking to yourself, he’s reckless, he’s brazen, he’s extremely charismatic and probably in great shape physically. Think what you must, but these numbers don’t lie ... I think. Again, I’m still getting used to this.

Seahawks 23-13

11.03.2017

NFL Picks - Week 9

Sunday Morning

Indianapolis @ Houston
Houston suffered a devastating blow on Thursday when rookie quarterback phenom Deshaun Watson tore his ACL in practice. This will almost assuredly derail the Texans' offense with Tom Savage returning to steer the ship. When reached for comment DeAndre Hopkins had this to say. Meanwhile the Colts have officially ruled Andrew Luck out for the season. As a result this game has been canceled so that the teams can just meet on the field and hug for three hours. There are no winners here, thus there will be no winners here.

Tie 16-16



Cincinnati @ Jacksonville 
With the aforementioned injury to Deshaun Watson, the AFC South has now become a two-horse race, and one of those horses is the Jacksonville Jaguars. This is the first time the Jags have been in a race in November since that Thanksgiving weekend in '09 when some hot rods from the next town over boasted about having a faster car. The ensuing drag race resulted in the death of 6 Neptune Beach teens. Look, it was reckless to have that many people in one car, and they shouldn't have held the race so close to Deceased Man's Cliff, but the real lesson to be learned here is that that's what you get when you mess with he Jags this late in the season (most every season notwithstanding).

Jaguars 20-13 



Tampa Bay @ New Orleans
The Bucs ... suck! And I'm not just saying that because it's a very clever and catchy slogan. Look at any number you want folks. Or just do what I did, which is look at their record, grimace, then say, "2-5? Yuck, the Bucs suck! Oh man, that's good I should write that in the picks this week." Shit! I forgot the yuck part. That's what sold the whole thing! Everybody knows three rhymes is better than two. In much the same way, three wins are better than two, and once Tampa figures that out they just might be able to turn their season around. If it doesn't happen this week though they're most likely doomed. Not surprisingly, I don't think they'll get the win, because yuck, these Bucs (every reader shouting at the same time I assume) suck! Now you're starting to get it! 

Saints 27-14



Los Angeles Rams @ New York Giants
New York starting cornerback Janoris Jenkins has been suspended indefinitely by the team. It's the second time in three weeks that the Giants have made such a move. Ben McAdoo is suspending people like he's the ornery police captain in an action movie. I wouldn't be surprised if he handed down the discipline by demanding the player's "playbook and helmet on my desk by the end of the day!" We should've seen this coming when he started slicking back his hair, I mean he's basically made himself into a lame William Forsythe. Of course, if this were a cop movie Jenkins would keep working the case on his own then show up to MetLife stadium on Sunday and take matters into his own hands. He'll run onto the field in the 4th quarter, pick off a Jared Goff pass, and take it to the house. Of course it won't count because he won't even be in a uniform or on the active roster; plus the Giants will be down by 20 anyway. When he gets back to the sideline McAdoo will kick him off the team for good for being a dangerous loose cannon whose got more guts than brains. 

Rams 28-18



Atlanta @ Carolina 
After scratching and clawing their way to a 4-3 record so far, one thing is clear, these are not the same Falcons that went to Super Bowl LI. But of course they're not, that would require some sort of alternate plane in which time does not move forward, or the NFL has no salary cap. What's more though is that this year's Falcons barely resemble last season's. So what's the problem? A lot of people would point to the obvious: the change at offensive coordinator from Kyle Shanahan to Steve Sarkisian. But me? I'd say it's the change at offensive coordinator from Kyle Shanahan to Steve Sarkisian. So in other words, I agree with everybody else. This Sunday Atlanta will face the Panthers, whose season has been so up and down it's as if they've been riding on some sort of roller coaster! No, really! One thing I do know is that their defense has only given up 3 points in consecutive games (Chicago scored 17 total points on them in Week 7, but 14 came from defensive TDs). And with a sputtering Steve Sarkisian offense coming to town you have to like their chances. 

Panthers 20-17



Denver @ Philadelphia
The Eagles are 7-1, good enough for the best record in the NFL. However, they no longer have their all-pro left tackle Jason Peters. Philly managed to get by San Francisco last week with little drama, but now they face the Denver Broncos and, most notably, Von Miller. Going up against Von Miller with a backup left tackle is like trying to defend yourself from a bull with only a cape. Oh, I guess that's what bull fighters do all the time, and they're usually successful. I'm not sure if I should rethink my analysis or my analogy. Probably both actually. I guess my point was that even though the Broncos have looked terrible lately they just might ... What's that? Denver is starting Brock Osweiler? At quarterback? Very well. They'll definitely lose now. I mean they probably would've anyway, so why not have a little fun, right? (I expect Vance Joseph to say that at the postgame press conference).

Eagles 20-16



Baltimore @ Tennessee
We nearly witnessed Joe Flacco die on the field last Thursday when he was obliterated on a diving hit from Kiko Alonso. Of course, Ravens fans would tell you that they've been watching the slow, on-field death of Flacco for years now, so the only shocking part would have been the suddenness. The FlacMan is still very much alive though, and he's ready to take the field this Sunday for a clash in Nashville. A clash in Nashville? Are we talking about this game or Billy Ray Cyrus's wardrobe? No, I'm not proud of it. Why did I leave it in then? Because I never delete anything! That's my policy baby. Just like it's Joe Flacco's policy to go out there and occasionally look decent. Unfortunately I'm not sure this Sunday will be one of those occasions.

Titans 27-17 



Sunday Afternoon

Arizona @ San Francisco 
Big news in The Bay Area this week, as it was announced that the 49ers acquired Jimmy Garoppolo in a trade with New England. I think at this point it's fair for C.J. Beathard to seriously question whether or not he's the quarterback of the future in San Francisco. Sure he was a big-time draft pick, but things move fast in this league and if you don't produce results teams will move on. That being said, if Ceej can go out there and get the win this week against the Cardinals, then maybe just maybe he can keep his job ... for another week while Garoppolo learns the offense. After that though the Niners have a bye week, so there's no way Beathard makes more than two more starts, possibly in his entire career. So enjoy him while you can opposing teams, because in a few weeks you won't have Beathard to beat hard anymore.

Cardinals 16-13 



Washington @ Seattle
Earlier this week Pete Carroll told the media that we should expect to see a lot of Eddie Lacy on Sunday. I only read this in print, so without actually seeing him say it on video it's still unclear to me whether or not he was joking. Look, I hope it will work out, but right now promoting Lacy to feature back makes about as much sense as promoting him to head of stadium security. I mean sure maybe given the opportunity and time in the position he can flourish, but I'm just not sure I see the logic. Also, would that even count as a promotion? Don't get me wrong, head of stadium security is an esteemed position, but starting running back for the actual team probably carries more clout; not to mention that I have to believe there's a disparate amount of pay there in favor of the NFL player. Washington has given up just about 28 points per game on the road this season, while Seattle has put up 33 per game at home. Good enough for me.

Seahawks 30-17



Kansas City @ Dallas
Apparently Ezekiel Elliott's suspension has been delayed for yet another week. At this point it's nothing more than myth to me, like a free tootsie roll pop resulting from a shooting star wrapper mail-in. Sure, I've heard all about it, but until I actually see it happen with my own eyes I just ain't buying it. Wait a minute, chiefs ... stars ... is it possible this game is taking place inside the mind of a young boy looking at a tootsie roll pop wrapper? No, that's stupid, right? That being said, if the Cowboys cheerleaders show up topless on the sidelines I think we'll at least have to reconsider the possibility. And if the game just switches to Minecraft in the second quarter we'll have our answer.

Chiefs 28-27 



Sunday Night

Oakland @ Miami
Yikes, this does not look like the marquee match-up you might expect from a Sunday night game. But I'm sure that SNF analyst Cris Collinsworth can provide us with an interesting take that will gin up our interest in this contest:


Thanks for the help CriColl. I have no idea what will happen in this game, which puts it in the same category as most others.

Raiders 23-17 



Monday Night

Detroit @ Green Bay
Matt Prater provided all 15 of the Lions' points in Week 8's loss to the Steelers. But Prater didn't let the L get him down; rumor has it he capitalized on his Sunday night heroics by hitting the town and using the pick-up line, "I've been scoring all night, so why stop now?" And ya know what? It worked! He totally got laid! It should be mentioned that the woman in question was his wife, so it's really not that outrageous. Also, it's kind of weird that he used a pick-up line on his wife, but I guess when you have material that's that solid you almost don't have a choice. Though it seems like she didn't totally fall for it, because unfortunately for Mr. Prater, the Lions weren't the only ones who couldn't put it in the end zone that night. If the Lions can score a touchdown (or possibly even two!) this week they should be able to get the win.

Lions 23-16