NFL Picks - Week 4

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Houston

I became genuinely perturbed toward the end of last week's game that the Hawks had given up 17 points to the Jaguars. From what it sounds like, the defense felt the same way. The Hawks' D has given up an average of 9 points per game so far, and they're not satisfied. That's an encouraging sign heading into a tough road game at Houston. The Texans laid a stinker at Baltimore last week, so I expect that this Sunday they'll be ready to go ... nowhere!

Seahawks 20-13

Baltimore @ Buffalo

The Flac attack is back! Ok, I just assumed FlacMan had a great game last week because the Ravens won 30-9. Turns out he threw for 171 yards and no touchdowns. A real workman's effort, which is exactly what I mean when I say that the Flac attack is back! This guy game manages with the best of 'em ... and sometimes the worst of 'em. Look, the point is I'm rolling with FlacMan and the Ravens on the road against the pesky Bills, who also happen to be frisky, not to mention sneaky and a little bit dastardly.

Ravens 24-20

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

Well it's official, the Browns are so bad that even when they try to lose they can't. Which actually resulted in a win. While it's a nice morale boost for the gang, it definitely throws a wrench in the works for Cleveland's rebuilding plan. If they can't figure out how to lose more effectively they'll have no shot at the #1 overall pick in the 2014 draft. Does Brian Hoyer care? Awww hell no. Home boy's got a family to feed. Full disclosure: I do not know if Mr. Hoyer has a family, or if said family would even require feeding; I can not say with full confidence that they are not some group of other worldly beings that Hoyer shelters and that do not eat in the same manner as human. That being said, I think the Browns do the job (wrestling style) this week with their intrastate rivals in town.

Bengals 27-17

Chicago @ Detroit

Jay Cutler's teammates seemed very impressed with his willingness to lower his shoulder and run over Steelers DB Robert Golden in last week's win, though I'm not sure they should be. The way I see it Cutler is simply trying to injure as many opposing players as he can every game so that the other team won't be able to field a full squad by the second half and the game will be cut short, allowing Cutler to get off the field ASAP because Jay Cutler hates football. It's really an obvious plan when you think about it. However, he'll meet his match this week as Ndamukong Suh lines up across from him. Suh has a similar "injure every other player" goal, except his is just based off of the fact that he's an asshole. I've always said when it comes to an asshole vs. apathy, take the asshole, especially if he's at home.

Lions 31-28

New York Giants @ Kansas City

The Giants officially hit rock bottom last week in a 38-0 loss to Carolina. But as we've seen before, Eli and crew are just like wild animals, in that when they're cornered they're at their most dangerous. In fact, from what I hear Eli's nickname is Wild Animal. Kind of weird seeing as how that nickname is seven letters longer than his actual name, but hey when it fits it fits. Unfortunately, I'm just not seeing that same ferocity in this year's Giants. Also their offensive line blows.

Chiefs 27-21

Arizona @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs have struggled offensively this season putting up only about 11 points per game. That number is just not high enough to win in the National Football League unless you're playing the Jags on a weekly basis. Unfortunately for Tampa the powers that be did them no favors, scheduling them to play Jacksonville zero times. Also unfortunate for the Bucs, they're starting Mike Glennon at quarterback. Yep this guy. Whoops, sorry that was Whitey from Me Myself and Irene. Here's Mike Glennon. Nope, still Whitey. Here he is. Is that a guy you'd want to listen to in a huddle? Me neither.

Cardinals 17-10

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

The Jaguars are playing a team coming off a win over the 49ers for the second week in a row. And guess what, they're playing the Rams next week, which could make it three in a row. It's apparent that the Jags are merely drafting behind the Niners, waiting for a team to experience a letdown after a big win. You have to admire their clever plan, and I'd imagine that type of gumption will be rewarded at some point. But probably not this week.

Colts 38-13

Pittsburgh @ Minnesota

Let's all hop across the pond back to foggy Londontown! The Brits get the pleasure of seeing one of these teams win their first game of the season, while their home crowds get the relief of not having to sit through another embarrassment in person. Of course, that's not to say that no residents of Pittsburgh or Minnesota will witness something embarrassing in person this Sunday, odds are high that most will. At least this week, though, they won't have to worry about it being their football team, which is what the NFL International Series is all about. There's been a lot of chatter this week about a possible Super Bowl in London. Let's think about this, unless they moved up the kick time the game would start at 11:30pm local time. So that's not going to happen. USA! Sorry suckers.

Steelers 21-20

Sunday Afternoon

New York Jets @ Tennessee

These two teams are 2-1, which is very surprising. But I think it's time to stop underestimating these squads; in fact, I don't see any reason that they can't each get to 3-1. The only thing that would keep that from happening is if they were playing each oth .... ahhhh shit, forgot about that. Ok, Titans get the lone available win.

Titans 16-13

Washington @ Oakland

The Redskins have to win a game at some point, right? Wrong. There's nothing in the NFL bylaws that say that the Redskins have to win at least one game a year, which has to be a major bummer for all the Washington fans out there. This means that the 'Skins are going to have to do this one on their own. And do it they shall, while the Raiders shalln't.

Redskins 24-21

Philadelphia @ Denver

This game promises to feature the most plays in one game in NFL history. It also promises to tie for the most players in one game in NFL history. And with Peyton Manning going up against the Eagles' porous defense even more records could fall. Expect Manning to sling it like nobody's biz. And to be honest, when Manning is slinging it this hard it really shouldn't be anybody's biz. In fact, he really should be slinging in the privacy of his own home.

Broncos 42-29

Dallas @ San Diego

Tony Romo and Philip Rivers have had parallel careers to this point. They both won starting jobs in '06. Rivers' career winning percentage is .617 with a quarterback rating of 95.1. Romo has a career winning percentage of .594 with a rating of 95.9. They're mirror images of each other. And if you look closer, this paragraph has been a mirror image of itself. That's right, it's one long palindrome. You're not actually going back and checking are you? C'mon, don't be a dick.

Chargers 27-24

Sunday Night

New England @ Atlanta

The Falcons will be desperate for a home win to get back to .500, and that's really unflattering. Seriously guys, that type of desperation is just not a good look; no one's ever going to want to come hang out and play football at your place if you keep acting like that. As it turns out, the Patriots aren't supposed to come back to Atlanta for at least a few years, so the Falcons will be able to get away with acting like turbos.

Falcons 26-23

Monday Night

Miami @ New Orleans

The Dolphins have methodically ground out consecutive wins on their way to a 3-0 start, their first since '02. Meanwhile, the Saints have rode a surprisingly impressive defense to a 3-0 start, their first since '09, which isn't very long ago, so that makes for a pretty lame stat, and now all of this explanation has made for quite the run-on sentence, but I'm not going to get down on myself because that's just not productive and if we stop being productive we die, or at least I think that's true, I wouldn't know because I never stop being productive, that's just the way I live my life you guys, on the edge, one quarter mile at a time. As solid as Miami has looked so far I would be very surprised if they got another road win in New Orleans.

Saints 24-16


NFL Picks - Week 4 Thursday

San Francisco @ St. Louis

"We want to be above reproach ..." That's a quote from Jim Harbaugh back in June in reference to player suspensions for PEDs. Apparently by "above reproach" he meant that his players (or at least the best ones) wouldn't have to face blame no matter what. At least it certainly didn't seem like much blame was being placed on Aldon Smith as he was allowed to play in last Sunday's game against the Colts about 30 hours after police found his car crashed into a tree as the result of him driving with a blood alcohol percentage of .15. In a way it's fitting that in their game with Indy the whole 49ers team looked like they were suffering a massive hangover from the week prior. I think that lack of focus, laziness, and general surly attitude continues this week. And I'm sure that after the loss Jaw Sweatshirt will have no problem finding someone else to shoulder the blame.

Rams 19-16


NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning

Green Bay @ Cincinnati

This could get interesting! Unless you're a nerd who doesn't like football, in which case, get outta here nerd! The Bengals' staunch D will face a stiff test in Aaron Rodgers and the Packers' offense. That's right, it's staunch vs. stiff, and if you're aroused you're only human. And if you're not aroused it's probably because you're a nerd and I thought I told you to get outta here! This is a chance for Cincinnati to make a statement, and that statement will most likely be, "Not quite."

Packers 28-24

St. Louis @ Dallas

The Cowboys managed to amass a measly 37 yards rushing last week while the Rams held the Falcons to only 36 on the ground. So I guess we can assume that  Dallas won't be able to do much via the run, right? Wrong! Did you not start going by that motto I gave you on Turdsday? Hmm, that's disappointing. Until I see St. Louis win a road game against a decent team I can't very well pick them to do just that. That's just one of my Ram rules.

Cowboys 24-16

San Diego @ Tennessee

Whoa Phil Rivers. I see ya, I see ya. This Rivers' still flowin' ... nope. This Rivers is wild ... nope. This Rivers is Philled with passing yards and touchdowns, 419 and 3, respectively, to be exact ... yes. All in all I'm not sure what to make of either of these teams after two weeks, so I'll go ahead and guess that the Chargers won't be able to travel cross country and win back to back 10am games.

Titans 23-20

Cleveland @ Minnesota

The Browns' offense has been constipated so far in 2013, generating only 16 points and ranking 28th in the league in total yards, and without Trent Richardson I can't imagine it getting any better. The only way they could get worse would be if they had Christian Ponder as their quarterback. The Vikings should agree to let him start for Cleveland for this game just so that America can laugh again.

Vikings 19-7

Tampa Bay @ New England

This is a contest between two teams whose locations aren't actually cities or states. Tampa is a city in Florida, but Tampa Bay isn't. And New England is some sort of spin-off from a country in the United Kingdom known as Old England. So it's very possible that this game itself will not be played in an actual location, but on a kind of meta-physical plain that can only be accessed by the truly enlightened and the NFL on Fox crew. The Patriots have been anything but impressive in their narrow wins over weaker opponents, which is exactly what the Buccaneers qualify as, so congrats Pats, you'll be a dubious 3-0!

Patriots 23-13  

Arizona @ New Orleans

The Saints' defense has played surprisingly well to start the 2013 season, surrendering an average of only 15.5 points per game. However, it might be time to note that their offense seems to be struggling at putting up their normally gaudy point totals, averaging only 19.5. What gives? I needed answers, so I contacted Drew Brees for an interview. His response was riddled with profanities and racial slurs, but from what I could gather he said there's nothing to worry about and that the points will start to pile up. Alright, hot shot, I'll take the bait.

Saints 31-17

Detroit @ Washington

The Lions have never won a game in DC. That's 0 for 21. Yikes. Is that the most losses without a win by one team in another's stadium? Probably. Didn't do the research. Sorry folks, that's kind of how I operate, I'll get you halfway there and then you have to figure out the rest (which I'm sure my ex-wife could have told you). Speaking of halves, the Redskins simply haven't shown up in the first half yet this season, giving up an average of 25 points. With another potentially potent offense coming to town it looks like things could go from bad to ugly in Washington.

Lions 38-33

New York Giants @ Carolina

The Giants' defense has been hemorrhaging points in 2013, and they're in serious need of a suture. Enter Don Suture defensive mastermind. He's the only solution to their problems, and I imagine that they'll be getting in touch with him this week. I also imagine a world without hate. But let's take it one thing at a time. Once the Giants get Don Suture on board we can move on to eliminating hate from the Earth.

Giants 24-21

Houston @ Baltimore

These are two potential playoff teams that have both looked fairly shaky so far. So shaky that we might as well call this the Earthquake Bowl! That was a test, if you just got on board with calling it the Earthquake Bowl well then seriously, get outta here nerd! I want to pick both of these teams and neither of them at the same time, so I'll take a chance on Houston.

Texans 20-17

Sunday Afternoon

Atlanta @ Miami

Back in 2010 the Dolphins opened the season with consecutive wins on the road just as they have this year. Early in that 2010 season I developed a theory that the Dolphins played much better on the road because they partied way too hard when they were in Miami and because Sun Life Stadium is quieter than Anquan Boldin in Week 2. Well I'm dusting off that old idea and using it once again. I say a hungover Dolphins squad falls short against the teetotalers from Atlanta.

Falcons 23-18

Buffalo @ New York Jets

In this battle of rookie QBs you'd have to give the edge to EJ Manuel over Geno Smith, mainly because he's playing better. But did you consider that the Jets are 4th against the pass at the moment? I didn't think so. And did you take into account that that includes a road game against Tom Brady? Did you even research this match-up? I expect a low-scoring affair, which promises to be pretty lame, because if you're going to have an affair there ought to be a lot of scoring ... Zing! I expect the Bills to pull it out in the end, which is also something you ought to do in an affair.

Bills 10-9

Indianapolis @ San Francisco

The Niners figure to play much better this week, because they're not playing the Seahawks. Though, I shouldn't poke too much fun at San Francisco, as I greatly underestimated them last week. You see, I predicted they'd score 0 points and they ended up with 3. Lesson learned, I shan't sell you short again lads. Trent Richardson should provide a boost for the Colts, but it likely won't be enough because, again, the Colts are not the Seahawks.

49ers 27-13

Jacksonville @ Seattle

The Jaguars' offense is last in the NFL in yards and points. The Seahawks' defense is first in the NFL in yards and points against. In other words, nothing's gotta give.

Seahawks 31-0

Sunday Night

Chicago @ Pittsburgh

I'm still trying to figure out why I picked the Steelers to make the playoffs. They're 0-2, having managed only 19 points and 75 rushing yards total. In other words these are not your father's Steelers, they're not even the younger you Steelers, I'm not sure whose Steelers they are. I'm guessing they saw my playoff prediction and got overconfident as a result, leading to their shoddy play so far and thus having the effect that I desired all along. That's right Pittsburgh, I screwed ya, and it's too late to do anything about it, the season's almost 13% over. Hahahaha!

Bears 17-14

Monday Night

Oakland @ Denver

When and why did ESPN decide to put the Raiders on Monday Night Football? At that point they must have thought that Matt Flynn was going to be the starter in Oakland. Man do I feel sorry for them, they thought the ratings were going to get that Flynn juice, but now they're stuck with the much less exciting Terrelle Pryor. Not to mention Peyton "Snoozefest" Manning. I know what you're thinking, "How could Manning possibly be boring? He's on pace to throw for 72 touchdowns, which would shatter the current single season record!" To which I would say Get. Outta. Here. NERD!!!

Broncos 38-21


NFL Picks - Week 3 Thursday

Kansas City @ Philadelphia

Much like a migratory bird in the Spring, the man-walrus that is Andy Reid is returning home this Thursday. From what I've seen in the first two weeks of the season he's been sharpening his tusks in preparation (and from what I hear he's going to chop them off after the season and use them for a sick baby grand piano). As solid as the Chiefs look I think the Eagles will get the job done in their home opener. And the"job" that they'll get done is losing. Alright, just goofing, but the point is that you can never relax when reading these posts. Assume nothing, absorb everything. You can have that motto now, it's yours, happy Turdsday everybody! (You can't have that one, that's mine for keeps).

Eagles 27-23


NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

St. Louis @ Atlanta

I'm not sure what we learned about the Rams in their 27-24 win over the Cardinals last week except for the fact that they have found their tight end! Finally the endless TV coverage can stop. Too many times I've seen "When will the Rams find their Tight End?" lead off the Coors Light Six-Pack of questions on Sportscenter. But not anymore. Now they can move on to more important queries like "What will Tim Tebow's legacy be?" The Falcons are in need of a win because it's Week 2 and if they lose here they're 0-2. And what about their other 14 games? Will they win ANY of those? You tell me! It's a slippery slope. Scared yet Atlanta? 
Falcons 27-17

Carolina @ Buffalo

In Week 1 we learned that the Panthers may be one of the best teams in the league as they were able to actually stay competitive with the Seahawks. The Bills didn't look like slouches either, managing to take the Patriots down to the wire. So what we have here are two teams that are almost good enough to win which could mean we're headed towards the first double loss in NFL history. Wouldn't that be a nightmare for the league? You can rest assured it would light up the Coors Light Six-Pack of questions, hell they might even have enough for an eighteener. The odds of it actually happening are low though, so I'll stick with a more conventional pick.

Panthers 20-17

Minnesota @ Chicago

A lot of people say that Christian Ponder sucks, but I'd say that he blows. Though, I can't really disagree with anyone who does think he sucks. Let's just all agree that he's heinous and that the Vikings would be better off with a different QB, one that scores a touchdown on every play. With someone like that under center they'd be pretty unstoppable. However, unless they find that guy (or girl; I'm nothing if not progressive when it comes to women getting the same opportunities as men; that being said, I definitely wouldn't pay a female quarterback as much) before Sunday I think they'll be in trouble.

Bears 23-16

Washington @ Green Bay

You guys ready to be 0-2? No? Well tough shit, because one of you has to be after this game; unless you tie. Aww man, you're gonna tie now just to make me look like an asshole aren't you? Fine do it, see what I care! Psst ... hey Packers, just tell the Redskins you're going to tie and then go out and score as many points as you possibly can, I'm pretty sure that's what the Eagles did last week.

Packers 31-23

Miami @ Indianapolis

The Colts nearly lost a home game to the Raiders. Even the Raiders were like, "Seriously?" Maybe it was an elaborate goof, but if you play with fire in this league you're gonna get burned. Of course I'm excluding from that statement the master technicians that arrange fireworks displays for all 32 teams every season, those artisans are far too professional to ever let an injury occur on their watch, but that goes without saying. As for Indy, I think they feel the heat for real this week. Yes, I know that they play in a temperature controlled indoor stadium. And yes, I know that the Miami team in this game isn't the Heat, but they're going to lose, just deal with it.

Dolphins 24-23

Dallas @ Kansas City

The Cowboys gave up the most points of any winning team in Week 1, while the Chiefs gave up the least. What does this mean? Well, probably just that the Chiefs were playing the Jaguars. But you have to appreciate the style in which they won, surrendering only the ever-hilarious point total of 2. The Chiefs were a trendy pick to make the playoffs this season, but not by me. I did pick them to make the playoffs last year, which makes me kind of a hipster right? I was ahead of the trend. Although they proceeded to win only 2 games so maybe I'm just an idiot. I think they'll manage to get another W this week, because a loss would mean that Dallas played well two weeks in a row, which hasn't happened since 1996.

Chiefs 26-24

Cleveland @ Baltimore

Raise your hand if you're an AFC North team that won last week ... Crickets yo! That's right, they're all 0-1 ... and I predicted three of them to make the playoffs ... including the Browns ... whose quarterback is Brandon Weeden. Why didn't anybody remind me of that!? Now I look like a real moron, like a guy who couldn't graduate from college until he was 27.

Ravens 20-14

Tennessee @ Houston

The Titans come into this game 1-0 despite amassing only 229 total yards against Pittsburgh in Week 1. If they think they can do the same in Houston and come away with a win, they'll have a problem. Yes! I did it! I've included the most hackneyed movie reference re-purposed for use in a sports context ever! I'd love to take credit for it but every other writer in the world did it before me. Seriously though, if their offense is that weak again they won't manage to get the win this time.

Texans 27-15

San Diego @ Philadelphia

The Eagles are operating at light speed in Chip Kelly's offense. It seems like that would be exciting to watch, but it actually makes for a strange viewing experience because their offense just appears as a beam of light and you really can't tell what's going on. The referees are left to merely guess at how many points they're scoring. The actual number could be infinite.

Eagles 34-24

Sunday Afternoon

Detroit @ Arizona

In response to the record $100,000 fine levied against him by the league for his superfluous block in the Lions win over Minnesota Ndamukong Suh says that he'll continue to play "blue-collar football." Good for you Ndamukong. Don't let these ivory tower fat-cats tell you not to be an asshole. You just drive your ol' beat up Chevy down to the ballfield and do what you do best: stomp losers and kick dicks.

Cardinals 28-26

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs had perhaps the most painful loss of Week 1, falling to a last second field goal that was made possible by linebacker Lavonte David's late hit on Jets' QB Geno Smith. Most people are lambasting David for his bonehead play, but I actually think he did the right thing. You can't just let that young quarterback scamper out of bounds without paying the price. Welcome to the NFL rook! Don't nothing come easy in this league ... except for your first win now that I've shoved you to the ground while outside the field of play. The Saints defense looked competent in their win over Atlanta, which means it will look great against Tampa.

Saints 28-16

Jacksonville @ Oakland

It's possible that the Raiders are one of the worst teams in the NFL, but it's an absolute fact that the Jaguars are. A win for Jacksonville here would flip the bottom of the league on its ear, sending shock waves reverberating throughout the nation. A win for the Raiders would elicit a shrug from millions. Well, start you shrugging practice football fans!

Raiders 22-16

Denver @ New York Giants

Manning vs. Manning. Or as it's said in Latin: Manoing e Manoing. Or as it's said in pig Latin: Anningmay ersusvay Anningmay. Or as it's said in pig: OINK! vs. OINK! The point is whether you're man, beast, or speaker of a dead language you'll be tuning in to this game. It makes you wonder why it's not scheduled for Sunday night. What monumental, history-shaping event could possibly be a more desirable match-up?

Broncos 31-28

Sunday Night

San Francisco @ Seattle

AAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA!!! That's the sound I'll be making before every 49ers snap on Sunday, but it's also been the only thought running through my head this week (making it very difficult to write this post). One can only wonder what Jaw Sweatshirt will be whining about after this game, but rest assured it will be something, as he's been making a habit of doing just that. If I had to guess he'll be petitioning the city of Seattle for a new pair of pants after messes them due to the noise, the Boom, and the Beast (and also Russell Wilson).

Seahawks 24-0

Monday Night

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

Why is there even a Monday Night game this week? You don't book another fight after the main event (unless you're Paul Heyman).

Bengals 20-13


NFL Picks - Week 2 Thursday

Thursday Night

New York Jets @ New England

Both of these teams won in Week 1 by the skin of their teeth. Ever since Rex Ryan got gastric bypass surgery he's had a lot of extra, loose skin on his teeth, which everybody agrees is pretty gross, but it makes getting victories that way much easier. While the Jets will gladly accept a win in any fashion, the Patriots' last-second escape at Buffalo had to be discouraging for Tom Brady & Co. Co, of course, being Tom's rambunctious 9 year-old sidekick that travels with him everywhere he goes. Yet as disappointed as Tom Brady & Co must have been, New England is still 1-0, and I have no doubt that Co will rouse Tom with one of his famous speeches before the game on Thursday, leading to an inspired performance.

Patriots 24-13


NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Carolina

Let's get it started, let's get it started in here! Why try to put it into my own words when the Black Eyed Peas said it so eloquently (after some light research I found out that the uncensored version says, "get retarded," which just disgusts me as a serious journalist; also it doesn't kick off the season in such a totally sick way!) As we all know my weekly Hawks picks are sort of academic since I always think they'll win, but who knows, maybe this will be the season that I'll do something shocking (Editor's note: Nope!)

Seahawks 23-13

New England @ Buffalo

Due to a rash of injuries and front-office ineptitude the Bills were almost forced to start Jeff Tuel in their opener against the Patriots. Which begs the question, was everybody else busy? Just kidding Coug fans! Sort of. But Buffalo fans breathed a sigh of relief when it was announced earlier in the week that E.J. Manuel would be available to start. Congratulations (question mark).

Patriots 38-17

Cincinnati @ Chicago

A lot of folks are expecting big things from the Bengals this season, but then again a lot of people are idiots, so it's really anybody's guess. Personally, I think they'll win the AFC North and win this opener against the Bears who have a new coach that was in charge of a hockey team at this time last year. And before you say anything, no I did not double-check that, but isn't that part of what makes these the most trustworthy picks on the web? (Didn't double-check that either)

Bengals 20-17

Miami @ Cleveland

These are two squads that a lot of people think might surprise a lot of people, though if a lot of people think that will it really be that surprising when they surprise people? Surprisingly, I say yes!

Browns 24-20

Atlanta @ New Orleans

A huge NFC South match-up to start off the season ... is a phrase that normally elicits yawns across the well-educated region of the country, however, this game should be one of the more entertaining tilts in Week 1. Sean Payton returns to the sideline and I have to imagine that after a full year away his message to his team will be, "Kill the fucking head! Whoever knocks out Ryan gets a Porsche." Intimidated yet Falcons?

Saints 35-32

Tampa Bay @ New York Jets

This game should be played on Revis Island! Am I right everybody!? Of course I'm just kidding, as we all know the stadium construction on Revis Island won't be completed until Summer 2015; though from what I hear that might be a generous estimate. Can you say, "Labor issues?" I know my ex-wife can! She's in the stirrups all, "You did this to me!" And I'm like, "Oh, I made you into a crazy bitch?" I don't think she got the joke because it only seemed to piss her off more, that's when I knew it was over. I'll take Tampa.

Buccaneers 20-12

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers haven't missed the playoffs in consecutive years since the '99/'00 seasons, so after failing to qualify for the postseason last year it would only make sense for them to come back strong. And with that I've accomplished my preseason goal of including since and sense in the same sentence. Might just call it a year now.

Steelers 28-14

Minnesota @ Detroit

It's a bit hard to judge these teams coming into the season, especially for me because I don't judge anybody. Like when I look at a team I don't even see what color their uniforms are, to me that's not what defines a team. The Lions had a gigantic letdown of a season in 2012, while the Vikings shocked everyone with a run to the playoffs. I'm guessing that these teams will meet in the middle this year, and since they're both even it would make sense that my pick is the home team.

Lions 30-23

Oakland @ Indianapolis

Matt Flynn has now lost a presumed starting quarterback job to a young upstart in consecutive seasons. He's basically become a wrestling jobber. They bring him in and the young guy with promise looks much better by comparison. Also, when the starting quarterback gets introduced with fireworks and entrance music Flynn is already out on the field with a jacket on, in true jobber fashion. Speaking of jobbers, it looks like the Raiders' record might be akin to that of a Pez Whatley or a Brooklyn Brawler by the end of the season.

Colts 34-17

Kansas City @ Jacksonville

These teams selected first and second in this year's NFL draft, meaning they were the worst teams in the league. Consequently, a match-up between the two should be relegated to the worst screen at every bar across the country. And I think you know what that means ... we're sending it to the CORNER SCREEN AT THE SHACK! But curious viewers wanting to get a look at the Eric Fisher/Luke Joeckel match-up will most likely provide a healthy ratings bump.

Chiefs 21-16

Sunday Afternoon

Arizona @ St. Louis

It was clear after last year's quarterbacking debacle in Arizona that any replacement would be an upgrade at the position. Then the Cardinals signed Carson Palmer and things became, well, less clear. In all honesty, Palmer is an improvement from what they had last year, he's just not a long-term fix. He's also not a quick fix. Nor is he quick in terms of actual foot-speed, but he was available, so now he's the starting quarterback of the Arizona Cardinals. If the Rams fancy themselves as a playoff contender this has to be a win.

Rams 26-17

Green Bay @ San Francisco

Last season in the Divisional round, Colin Kaepernick shredded the Packers' defense for 181 yards rushing and alerted the nation to just how big of a douche he is with repeated kisses to his biceps. Green Bay clearly had to rethink their defensive strategy in preparation for this game, and from what I hear they've come up with something pretty creative. Apparently they're planting extra hat vendors to roam throughout the stadium with caps from every team in the league. The theory being that Kaepernick will be distracted by all the "fresh" colors that could potentially match his garish outfits. With all of that running through his head he'll have a tough time replicating his past efforts. San Francisco will most likely do enough to pull out the W though.

49ers 27-24

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Dallas

I was wondering where all that sexy NFC East action was in Week 1, but I should have known that both intra-divisional match-ups would be featured in primetime. It's Eli vs. Romo in a ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Giants 31-28

Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Washington

Is RG3's knee healthy? What will the Eagles' offense look like with Chip Kelly at the helm? Are rhetorical questions the best way to create intrigue? Find out the answers to all that and more at a special 3:55PT start time!

Redskins 24-19

Houston @ San Diego

It's always fun to root against a turbo go-hard like Philip Rivers, though this may be the year in which it just becomes sad. The Chargers promise to be pretty lousy, and I fear that by the end of the season Phil will have lost that competitive fire that made him oh so hateable in the past. Step one will be a lackluster performance on a Monday night. We might as well start calling him Josh Radnor. Ooh, sorry Radnor, I just had to burn ya.

Texans 27-13


NFL Picks - Week 1 Thursday

Baltimore @ Denver

The season kicks off with a rematch of a Divisional Round double overtime classic in which Rahim Moore found out how far Joe"Flac Man" Flacco can throw a football; which turned out to be about two yards farther than Moore originally thought. Normally the defending Super Bowl champs get to open the season at home, but due to a scheduling conflict with their parking lot partner Orioles, the Ravens are forced to start on the road. It's cute that MLB would stand up to the NFL like this, it reminds me of when a small dog barks and nips at a big dog's heels until the big dog eventually just leaves out of exasperation. In those situations I'm always hoping that the big dog will just step on the little one and poop on it's head, which I'm guessing Roger Goodell could do to Bud Selig if he wanted to (now please take a moment to picture in your heads Roger Goodell holding Bud Selig down and pooping on him). But the NFL decided to let MLB have its way, so the Ravens are stuck with a trip to Denver. I expect Baltimore to stumble this season without Ray Lewis frightening the defense into playing well. Peyton Manning is still in Denver and capable of frightening his offense into playing well, so advantage Broncos.

Broncos 27-20