NFL Picks - Week 4

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Houston

I became genuinely perturbed toward the end of last week's game that the Hawks had given up 17 points to the Jaguars. From what it sounds like, the defense felt the same way. The Hawks' D has given up an average of 9 points per game so far, and they're not satisfied. That's an encouraging sign heading into a tough road game at Houston. The Texans laid a stinker at Baltimore last week, so I expect that this Sunday they'll be ready to go ... nowhere!

Seahawks 20-13

Baltimore @ Buffalo

The Flac attack is back! Ok, I just assumed FlacMan had a great game last week because the Ravens won 30-9. Turns out he threw for 171 yards and no touchdowns. A real workman's effort, which is exactly what I mean when I say that the Flac attack is back! This guy game manages with the best of 'em ... and sometimes the worst of 'em. Look, the point is I'm rolling with FlacMan and the Ravens on the road against the pesky Bills, who also happen to be frisky, not to mention sneaky and a little bit dastardly.

Ravens 24-20

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

Well it's official, the Browns are so bad that even when they try to lose they can't. Which actually resulted in a win. While it's a nice morale boost for the gang, it definitely throws a wrench in the works for Cleveland's rebuilding plan. If they can't figure out how to lose more effectively they'll have no shot at the #1 overall pick in the 2014 draft. Does Brian Hoyer care? Awww hell no. Home boy's got a family to feed. Full disclosure: I do not know if Mr. Hoyer has a family, or if said family would even require feeding; I can not say with full confidence that they are not some group of other worldly beings that Hoyer shelters and that do not eat in the same manner as human. That being said, I think the Browns do the job (wrestling style) this week with their intrastate rivals in town.

Bengals 27-17

Chicago @ Detroit

Jay Cutler's teammates seemed very impressed with his willingness to lower his shoulder and run over Steelers DB Robert Golden in last week's win, though I'm not sure they should be. The way I see it Cutler is simply trying to injure as many opposing players as he can every game so that the other team won't be able to field a full squad by the second half and the game will be cut short, allowing Cutler to get off the field ASAP because Jay Cutler hates football. It's really an obvious plan when you think about it. However, he'll meet his match this week as Ndamukong Suh lines up across from him. Suh has a similar "injure every other player" goal, except his is just based off of the fact that he's an asshole. I've always said when it comes to an asshole vs. apathy, take the asshole, especially if he's at home.

Lions 31-28

New York Giants @ Kansas City

The Giants officially hit rock bottom last week in a 38-0 loss to Carolina. But as we've seen before, Eli and crew are just like wild animals, in that when they're cornered they're at their most dangerous. In fact, from what I hear Eli's nickname is Wild Animal. Kind of weird seeing as how that nickname is seven letters longer than his actual name, but hey when it fits it fits. Unfortunately, I'm just not seeing that same ferocity in this year's Giants. Also their offensive line blows.

Chiefs 27-21

Arizona @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs have struggled offensively this season putting up only about 11 points per game. That number is just not high enough to win in the National Football League unless you're playing the Jags on a weekly basis. Unfortunately for Tampa the powers that be did them no favors, scheduling them to play Jacksonville zero times. Also unfortunate for the Bucs, they're starting Mike Glennon at quarterback. Yep this guy. Whoops, sorry that was Whitey from Me Myself and Irene. Here's Mike Glennon. Nope, still Whitey. Here he is. Is that a guy you'd want to listen to in a huddle? Me neither.

Cardinals 17-10

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

The Jaguars are playing a team coming off a win over the 49ers for the second week in a row. And guess what, they're playing the Rams next week, which could make it three in a row. It's apparent that the Jags are merely drafting behind the Niners, waiting for a team to experience a letdown after a big win. You have to admire their clever plan, and I'd imagine that type of gumption will be rewarded at some point. But probably not this week.

Colts 38-13

Pittsburgh @ Minnesota

Let's all hop across the pond back to foggy Londontown! The Brits get the pleasure of seeing one of these teams win their first game of the season, while their home crowds get the relief of not having to sit through another embarrassment in person. Of course, that's not to say that no residents of Pittsburgh or Minnesota will witness something embarrassing in person this Sunday, odds are high that most will. At least this week, though, they won't have to worry about it being their football team, which is what the NFL International Series is all about. There's been a lot of chatter this week about a possible Super Bowl in London. Let's think about this, unless they moved up the kick time the game would start at 11:30pm local time. So that's not going to happen. USA! Sorry suckers.

Steelers 21-20

Sunday Afternoon

New York Jets @ Tennessee

These two teams are 2-1, which is very surprising. But I think it's time to stop underestimating these squads; in fact, I don't see any reason that they can't each get to 3-1. The only thing that would keep that from happening is if they were playing each oth .... ahhhh shit, forgot about that. Ok, Titans get the lone available win.

Titans 16-13

Washington @ Oakland

The Redskins have to win a game at some point, right? Wrong. There's nothing in the NFL bylaws that say that the Redskins have to win at least one game a year, which has to be a major bummer for all the Washington fans out there. This means that the 'Skins are going to have to do this one on their own. And do it they shall, while the Raiders shalln't.

Redskins 24-21

Philadelphia @ Denver

This game promises to feature the most plays in one game in NFL history. It also promises to tie for the most players in one game in NFL history. And with Peyton Manning going up against the Eagles' porous defense even more records could fall. Expect Manning to sling it like nobody's biz. And to be honest, when Manning is slinging it this hard it really shouldn't be anybody's biz. In fact, he really should be slinging in the privacy of his own home.

Broncos 42-29

Dallas @ San Diego

Tony Romo and Philip Rivers have had parallel careers to this point. They both won starting jobs in '06. Rivers' career winning percentage is .617 with a quarterback rating of 95.1. Romo has a career winning percentage of .594 with a rating of 95.9. They're mirror images of each other. And if you look closer, this paragraph has been a mirror image of itself. That's right, it's one long palindrome. You're not actually going back and checking are you? C'mon, don't be a dick.

Chargers 27-24

Sunday Night

New England @ Atlanta

The Falcons will be desperate for a home win to get back to .500, and that's really unflattering. Seriously guys, that type of desperation is just not a good look; no one's ever going to want to come hang out and play football at your place if you keep acting like that. As it turns out, the Patriots aren't supposed to come back to Atlanta for at least a few years, so the Falcons will be able to get away with acting like turbos.

Falcons 26-23

Monday Night

Miami @ New Orleans

The Dolphins have methodically ground out consecutive wins on their way to a 3-0 start, their first since '02. Meanwhile, the Saints have rode a surprisingly impressive defense to a 3-0 start, their first since '09, which isn't very long ago, so that makes for a pretty lame stat, and now all of this explanation has made for quite the run-on sentence, but I'm not going to get down on myself because that's just not productive and if we stop being productive we die, or at least I think that's true, I wouldn't know because I never stop being productive, that's just the way I live my life you guys, on the edge, one quarter mile at a time. As solid as Miami has looked so far I would be very surprised if they got another road win in New Orleans.


Saints 24-16