NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning

Green Bay @ Cincinnati

This could get interesting! Unless you're a nerd who doesn't like football, in which case, get outta here nerd! The Bengals' staunch D will face a stiff test in Aaron Rodgers and the Packers' offense. That's right, it's staunch vs. stiff, and if you're aroused you're only human. And if you're not aroused it's probably because you're a nerd and I thought I told you to get outta here! This is a chance for Cincinnati to make a statement, and that statement will most likely be, "Not quite."

Packers 28-24

St. Louis @ Dallas

The Cowboys managed to amass a measly 37 yards rushing last week while the Rams held the Falcons to only 36 on the ground. So I guess we can assume that  Dallas won't be able to do much via the run, right? Wrong! Did you not start going by that motto I gave you on Turdsday? Hmm, that's disappointing. Until I see St. Louis win a road game against a decent team I can't very well pick them to do just that. That's just one of my Ram rules.

Cowboys 24-16

San Diego @ Tennessee

Whoa Phil Rivers. I see ya, I see ya. This Rivers' still flowin' ... nope. This Rivers is wild ... nope. This Rivers is Philled with passing yards and touchdowns, 419 and 3, respectively, to be exact ... yes. All in all I'm not sure what to make of either of these teams after two weeks, so I'll go ahead and guess that the Chargers won't be able to travel cross country and win back to back 10am games.

Titans 23-20

Cleveland @ Minnesota

The Browns' offense has been constipated so far in 2013, generating only 16 points and ranking 28th in the league in total yards, and without Trent Richardson I can't imagine it getting any better. The only way they could get worse would be if they had Christian Ponder as their quarterback. The Vikings should agree to let him start for Cleveland for this game just so that America can laugh again.

Vikings 19-7

Tampa Bay @ New England

This is a contest between two teams whose locations aren't actually cities or states. Tampa is a city in Florida, but Tampa Bay isn't. And New England is some sort of spin-off from a country in the United Kingdom known as Old England. So it's very possible that this game itself will not be played in an actual location, but on a kind of meta-physical plain that can only be accessed by the truly enlightened and the NFL on Fox crew. The Patriots have been anything but impressive in their narrow wins over weaker opponents, which is exactly what the Buccaneers qualify as, so congrats Pats, you'll be a dubious 3-0!

Patriots 23-13  

Arizona @ New Orleans

The Saints' defense has played surprisingly well to start the 2013 season, surrendering an average of only 15.5 points per game. However, it might be time to note that their offense seems to be struggling at putting up their normally gaudy point totals, averaging only 19.5. What gives? I needed answers, so I contacted Drew Brees for an interview. His response was riddled with profanities and racial slurs, but from what I could gather he said there's nothing to worry about and that the points will start to pile up. Alright, hot shot, I'll take the bait.

Saints 31-17

Detroit @ Washington

The Lions have never won a game in DC. That's 0 for 21. Yikes. Is that the most losses without a win by one team in another's stadium? Probably. Didn't do the research. Sorry folks, that's kind of how I operate, I'll get you halfway there and then you have to figure out the rest (which I'm sure my ex-wife could have told you). Speaking of halves, the Redskins simply haven't shown up in the first half yet this season, giving up an average of 25 points. With another potentially potent offense coming to town it looks like things could go from bad to ugly in Washington.

Lions 38-33

New York Giants @ Carolina

The Giants' defense has been hemorrhaging points in 2013, and they're in serious need of a suture. Enter Don Suture defensive mastermind. He's the only solution to their problems, and I imagine that they'll be getting in touch with him this week. I also imagine a world without hate. But let's take it one thing at a time. Once the Giants get Don Suture on board we can move on to eliminating hate from the Earth.

Giants 24-21

Houston @ Baltimore

These are two potential playoff teams that have both looked fairly shaky so far. So shaky that we might as well call this the Earthquake Bowl! That was a test, if you just got on board with calling it the Earthquake Bowl well then seriously, get outta here nerd! I want to pick both of these teams and neither of them at the same time, so I'll take a chance on Houston.

Texans 20-17

Sunday Afternoon

Atlanta @ Miami

Back in 2010 the Dolphins opened the season with consecutive wins on the road just as they have this year. Early in that 2010 season I developed a theory that the Dolphins played much better on the road because they partied way too hard when they were in Miami and because Sun Life Stadium is quieter than Anquan Boldin in Week 2. Well I'm dusting off that old idea and using it once again. I say a hungover Dolphins squad falls short against the teetotalers from Atlanta.

Falcons 23-18

Buffalo @ New York Jets

In this battle of rookie QBs you'd have to give the edge to EJ Manuel over Geno Smith, mainly because he's playing better. But did you consider that the Jets are 4th against the pass at the moment? I didn't think so. And did you take into account that that includes a road game against Tom Brady? Did you even research this match-up? I expect a low-scoring affair, which promises to be pretty lame, because if you're going to have an affair there ought to be a lot of scoring ... Zing! I expect the Bills to pull it out in the end, which is also something you ought to do in an affair.

Bills 10-9

Indianapolis @ San Francisco

The Niners figure to play much better this week, because they're not playing the Seahawks. Though, I shouldn't poke too much fun at San Francisco, as I greatly underestimated them last week. You see, I predicted they'd score 0 points and they ended up with 3. Lesson learned, I shan't sell you short again lads. Trent Richardson should provide a boost for the Colts, but it likely won't be enough because, again, the Colts are not the Seahawks.

49ers 27-13

Jacksonville @ Seattle

The Jaguars' offense is last in the NFL in yards and points. The Seahawks' defense is first in the NFL in yards and points against. In other words, nothing's gotta give.

Seahawks 31-0

Sunday Night

Chicago @ Pittsburgh

I'm still trying to figure out why I picked the Steelers to make the playoffs. They're 0-2, having managed only 19 points and 75 rushing yards total. In other words these are not your father's Steelers, they're not even the younger you Steelers, I'm not sure whose Steelers they are. I'm guessing they saw my playoff prediction and got overconfident as a result, leading to their shoddy play so far and thus having the effect that I desired all along. That's right Pittsburgh, I screwed ya, and it's too late to do anything about it, the season's almost 13% over. Hahahaha!

Bears 17-14

Monday Night

Oakland @ Denver

When and why did ESPN decide to put the Raiders on Monday Night Football? At that point they must have thought that Matt Flynn was going to be the starter in Oakland. Man do I feel sorry for them, they thought the ratings were going to get that Flynn juice, but now they're stuck with the much less exciting Terrelle Pryor. Not to mention Peyton "Snoozefest" Manning. I know what you're thinking, "How could Manning possibly be boring? He's on pace to throw for 72 touchdowns, which would shatter the current single season record!" To which I would say Get. Outta. Here. NERD!!!


Broncos 38-21