Super Bowl LI

New England vs. Atlanta

Before the season started I told you all that the Patriots would be playing a team of birds in the Super Bowl. If you want to get into specifics I said it would be the Seahawks, but is that really what you want to do? Get into specifics? If so you came to the wrong place pal. 'Round these parts we deal in broad generalities that occasionally coalesce into a coherent thought. So let's get into some of that!

I'm assuming you know by now that this is Super Bowl LI, which has to be a boon for all the people named Lee (or Leigh) out there. I know that if that were my name I'd walk around my viewing party saying, "Now this is MY kinda Super Bowl!" Annoyed acquaintances would most likely grumble, "That's not how your name's spelled." To which I'd reply, "Thanks for bringing the onion dip. It SUCKED!" Hopefully that person did indeed bring onion dip to the party, otherwise that acerbic retort will ring a tad hollow. 

Another interesting angle to this game is that "Super Bowl LI" kind of sounds like "SuperBowly." So the question is just how SuperBowly will Super Bowl LI be? The good news is that no matter what happens in the game you can say "That was so SuperBowly" or "That was so Super Bowl LI" and that statement will be true no matter what. Everybody at your viewing party will thoroughly enjoy it; and if they don't, refer to my onion dip comeback from earlier.

I'm now realizing that most of my analysis for this game has to do with the fact that it's named Super Bowl LI. So for a more insightful breakdown of the actual match-up let's turn to the best in the biz, Cris Collinsworth:

You never cease to befuddle me Cris. Nevertheless, I'll agree with him and take New England. And that's coming from a guy who's correctly predicted 3 of the 7 Super Bowls since he's been doing this.

Patriots 33-24

Thanks for reading and I'll see you all (and most likely thousands more) next season!

Conference Championships

NFC

Green Bay @ Atlanta

Well, it's that time again, Conference Championship weekend, and I feel pretty much the same as I did last year. So let's look at another excerpt from my TV pilot script Rogue Blogger:

INT, CASINO DUNGEON, NIGHT:

Derek Henderson sits calmly while chained to a metal chair. Big Johnny Stromboli paces ominously in front of him.

                                             BIG JOHNNY STROMBOLI

                     You just had to keep making accurate picks didn't you? I 

                     offered you millions to come work for me, but you spurned 

                     my every attempt. It wasn't about the money, you said, You 

                     had to have your creative freedom! Had to be a hero! I know 

                     you never actually said that last part, it would be out of character

                     for you to boast about your own unassailable convictions 

                     when there are real heroes like the troops out there, but you get

                     the point. And now you want to correctly pick the exact score of 

                     the Super Bowl for the 8th year in a row. Well I'm sorry Mr. 

                     Henderson, I'm afraid I just can't let you ...

He finally turns around to see that the Derek has freed himself from his shackles.

                                                       STROMBOLI

                     How did you free yourself? I used three super strength 

                     padlocks!

The unlocked locks clang to the ground as Derek casually let's them fall from his hand.

                                                          DEREK

                     Games aren't the only thing I know how to pick.

Stromboli, reaches for his gun. It's not there.

                                                      STROMBOLI

                    Where's my gun?!?

Derek, pulls it out from behind his back.

                                                      STROMBOLI

                    But how did you ...?

                                                         DEREK

                    What can I say? I'm unpredictable.

Points the gun at Stromboli.

                                                         DEREK

                    Now spread 'em.

                                                    STROMBOLI

                    Never.

                                                         DEREK

                    Against the spread? Ok, then put your arms straight up.

Even the Stromboli has to smile at that one.

Packers 38-33

AFC

Pittsburgh @ New England

Another season and another appearance by the Patriots in an AFC title game. This is their 6th in a row and 11th in the Brady/Belichick era. Heck, Brady's played more January games in Boston than Ted Williams and Carl Yastrzemski combined! Though that makes sense, because the baseball season rarely, if ever, stretches into January. Nonetheless, that shouldn't diminish what this Patriots team has been able to accomplish over the past 16 years. The only thing standing in the way of the franchise's record 9th Super Bowl appearance is a game Steelers squad. These teams are somewhat polar opposites in the sense that the Patriots are notoriously tight-lipped off the field and buttoned up on it, whereas every Pittsburgh player will have their iPhone taped to their chests this Sunday so they can Facebook live the entirety of the proceedings. Just kidding, it won't be the whole game, most of the phones will be broken on each player's first snap, but what a ride it will be while it lasts! Actually, even the video that does get captured will be mostly opposing players' chests, while some feeds will just be completely dark because a few nimrods will accidentally have their cameras in selfie mode. I'm still on the fence about this result, and unfortunately we don't have CriColl to provide any of his renowned insight to assist me in my decision. To make matters worse, the only analyst I was able to get a hold of on short notice is the man calling this AFC title game. So I apologize in advance, but here's Phil Simms:

It's CriColl!!! We're saved! What choice do I have now? I'll agree and take New England.

Patriots 31-24

NFL Picks - Divisional Round

Saturday 

Seattle @ Atlanta

The Seahawks have found their running game again, and wouldn't ya know it, it was right where they left it, at home and in the hands of Thomas Rawls. Almost makes you wonder why it took them so long to find it. To be fair though, they had rearranged a lot of the furniture, so that kind of complicated things. But now they go on the road where they have not looked like the same team. For one thing they usually wear different colored jerseys, but also they've been downright lousy for the majority of their last 3 away outings. To make matters worse they're going into a building that became a house of horrors for them in the playoffs 4 years ago when they stormed back from a 20 point 4th quarter deficit only to have their ever so brief lead evaporate in the final seconds, as the Falcons moved on to the NFC title game. Then again, that heartbreaking loss galvanized the young Seattle squadron and served as a catalyst for a Super Bowl run the following season. So in a way wouldn't it be a full circle story if the Hawks went into the Georgia Dome and shut that building down once and for all? You don't have to answer, because I've already decided that it would be and it will be.

Seahawks 27-23

Houston @ New England

Well clearly my theory that Clem Zarkins 8 would prevent Trevor Finch from distracting Brock Osweiler in last week's Wild Card game proved to be true. But a funny thing happened when Osweiler was allowed to operate unfettered, he was pretty decent. CZ8 was so elated as a result that he completely forgot about Finch, who was able to escape and start making his way to Foxborough (though I'm not sure why he wouldn't just get in his time machine and zap himself straight to next week ... It's almost like there are starting to be some plot holes in this story; except things that really happen can't have plot holes, so never mind). Granted, Finch has already seen the dystopian future created by a Texans Super Bowl win, but even with the knowledge of this fete accompli I'm not so sure the Patriots will need any help in dispatching Houston. I mean for God's sake they're 17 point favorites, that's the highest playoff line since 1999 ... Wait a minute, '99? I always thought Trevor Finch was from 1998, but if I was off by a few months and he stuck around until January of '99? Maybe he saw the giant spread and resulting money line of that Arizona/Minnesota game way back then, and came up with a plan to travel through time to find the next gigantic playoff money line to bet on and ensure that the underdog wins?!? He's made sure to mess with the Texans just enough so that they seem awful, but still sneak into the playoffs and wind up with this seemingly lopsided match-up. At the same time he specifically targeted Brock Osweiler because he knew Brock's descendant Clem Zarkins 8 is a timecop who would come back in time to stop him. He's going to confess all of this to CZ8 and use the allure of guaranteed riches to convince him to make the bet for him, since, ya know, he's only 13 after all. My God, how did I not see it sooner? It's so very very obvious, and not the least bit convoluted. That being said, even with the help of time travelers I'm still taking New England over the Texans. I mean come on, Finch is a pimply dork and CZ8 is some pudgy old loser. Who cares if they can bend time and space, it doesn't make them cool, or their story entertaining at all.

Patriots 35-10

Sunday

Pittsburgh @ Kansas City

Well folks, it pains me to write this, but this Steelers/Chiefs match-up will be the last game Cris Collinsworth calls this season. I think I speak for all of us when I say that a little part of me falls into dormancy every winter when he leaves us, only for it to be re-ignited in September upon his return (I can speak for all of us, right? You'd say the same thing?) so without further ado, here's CriColl himself to break down this fascinating 2nd round contest:

Who am I to disagree with that wisdom? Except for the Caddyshack thing, I almost feel like he did that just to troll us. 

Chiefs 24-22

Green Bay @ Dallas

There is certainly no shortage of history between these two teams. If you're a younger reader just do yourself a favor and google "Cowboys-Packers" and do a deep dive into one of the NFL's most storied rivalries. On second thought, don't do that, because if you accidentally leave off the 's' and wind up googling "cowboy packers" you'll find something much different, and I don't want that on my conscience. So instead I'll provide you with a history lesson myself. These teams have tangled in some of the most historic playoff games of all time. You've got the Ice Bowl, the Dez No Catch, the Titletown Trouncing, Scuttleman's Folly, ummm the Game of 7 Deaths, uhhh Riggler's Revenge, umm ... Well you get the point. This one has all the makings of a classic that will join the ranks of the 66% fake group listed above. Will Aaron Rodgers continue his near-prefect play? Will the Dallas rookies rise to the occasion and resume their dominate seasons without missing a beat? Will a single gun shot be heard from Troy Aikman's mic if the Cowboys lose? All these questions and more will be answered Sunday! As for who I think is going to win? Well it does seem like Rodgers will be able to shred this defense, but perhaps he won't have as many opportunities due to Dallas controlling the ball. I'll take the home team in a close one.

Cowboys 30-27

NFL Picks - Wild Card

Saturday 

Oakland @ Houston

As I suggested might happen last week, our time travelers Trevor Finch and Clem Zarkins 8 (if you don't know what I'm talking about here's a link to their full saga) worked together to remove Texans quarterback Tom Savage from the equation by replacing the padding in his helmet with metal plates. Savage actually caught them in the act and told them that they shouldn't be doing it because it wasn't safe. Finch scoffed, "You don't sound very savage to me." Savage frowned, defiantly exclaimed "Gimme that!" and ran out to the field. He later left the game with a concussion, and as a result Brock Osweiler is once again the starting quarterback. But now the temporary alliance between Trevor Finch and Clem Zarkins 8 has dissolved and the fate of the Texans, and perhaps all of us, hangs in the balance. If I had to guess at what sort of mayhem ensues at Reliant Stadium on Saturday I'd say that CZ8 snatches Finch sometime in the 2nd quarter, allowing Osweiler to operate freely. When CZ8 sees the resulting terrible play he'll be emotionally devastated, letting his guard down just enough to allow Finch to escape. On the field Osweiler's putrid performance will be topped only by that of the other "starting" quarterback Connor Cook, a man who, in the past, has been unfavorably compared to Bo Callahan from Draft Day. If your best comp is a fictional character whose 21st birthday went unattended by any of his teammates, you've got serious problems. Consequently, I think the Texans move on, along with our TIMELESS tale.

Texans 16-12


Detroit @ Seattle

When a team gets to the playoffs you'd expect them to be very good in at least one area of the game. The Lions, however, rank no higher than 18th in passing offense, rushing offense, pass D, or run D. They're slightly below average across the board. It's like if Milhouse made the playoffs. So how did they get here? A little bit of grit, a dash of moxie, and a whole lot of timely, if improbable, play in the 4th quarter. Will they be able to once again overcome their middling statistics and pull off an upset against a depleted, inconsistent Seahawks team? I mean, I doubt it, but let's see what Cris Collinsworth has to say anyway:

Surprisingly almost on topic this week. Thanks CriColl!

Seahawks 26-16


Sunday 

Miami @ Pittsburgh

Way back in week 6 the Dolphins beat the Steelers 30-15. But that was October 16th, and things we're much different then. For instance, we thought the Vikings were a Super Bowl contender, Americans were doing a new dance called the "wacky waddle," and we'd all just been introduced to the world's favorite alien: ET (who would eventually be supplanted by ALF for the top spot). My point is, we've come a long way, and so have both of these teams. I mean the first game was played in Miami; this one will be played in Pittsburgh. See? That's a pretty long way, especially if you're trying to wacky waddle from one city to the other (I DON'T recommend that by the way, your pelvis would most likely never recover). There's no way that Ben Roethlisberger will get confused during this game because he played at Miami (Ohio) in college, right? Actually, it's not unfathomable. If so he may get off too a shaky start that makes this one a bit closer than most may expect.

Steelers 27-23


New York Giants @ Green Bay

It's the game everybody's looking forward to this weekend. Except those of you with the rare condition known as Profile Neck, in which a person's head is permanently looking to the side. It's a rare condition that affects one person in the US. His name is Scotty "Crabman" Stanton, and ironically that's his nickname because he really enjoys eating crab, not because he has to walk sideways everywhere. At least that's what his friends tell him, but hey, at least he has friends, that seems like a win for a guy who constantly looks like he's posing for a school picture. The Giants have shown that they have a playoff ready defense, but Aaron Rodgers has been nearly flawless down the stretch. So who will prevail? It's anybody's guess, which is what makes this the game that everybody will be watching, including Crabman; his chair will have to be parallel to the TV, but that's not the point.

Packers 24-17