The Trevor Finch Saga

Week 12

Last week during the Texans' loss to the Raiders in Mexico City Brock Osweiler was repeatedly distracted by a laser pointer being directed at him from the stands. A lot of questions immediately leapt to mind, the most pertinent of which being, "What?" The second most pertinent being, "How?" You're in luck, because I can answer both. These laser pointer hijinx are the result of a 13 year old time traveler from 1998 named Trevor Finch who went to February of 2017 and found out that the Texans had snuck into the playoffs and somehow won the Super Bowl. Thankfully he decided to correct this abomination for the good of the league and came back to Week 11 to make sure that it doesn't happen. Don't be surprised if the laser pointers keep popping up during Texans' games down the stretch because Trevor is not taking any chances.

Week 13

Trevor Finch, the 13 year old time traveler from 1998 that is dead set on preventing the Texans from making the playoffs, struck again last week. Before a crucial down he snuck into the PA booth and played "All-Star" by Smashmouth. It flustered Houston quarterback Brock Osweiler who correctly assumed that the song was mocking him because he's been anything but an all-star in his debut season as a "franchise" QB. Now astute readers will note that "All-Star" didn't come out until 1999, so how could a 13 year old from 1998 know about that song? Well keep in mind he's a time traveling 13 year old, so he's familiar with the entire Smasmouth catalog. In fact, Finch's impatience while waiting for the next Smashmouth album was one of the main reasons he traveled through time in the first place.

Week 14

Finch has used a laser pointer and Smashmouth music to distract Osweiler in past weeks, so one can only wonder what he'll come up with to alter history in this very important divisional clash. However, I may have some inside information. Sources tell me that Finch was spotted in the Indianapolis area throwing a whistling Vortex ball some 60 yards in a local park. Who was on the other end of these passes? Finch, of course. He's a time traveler! My guess is that he'll either simply deflect a key Osweiler pass with a perfectly timed throw from the stands, or he'll sneak down to the sideline during pregame warm-ups and start whistling that V down the field, making Brock extremely self conscious in the process and leading to yet another horrendous performance. Then again, there's only one man who knows for certain what Trevor Finch will do, and that's Trevor Finch, because he's already done it. He's a time traveler!

Week 15

The Texans shockingly won in Indianapolis last week to remain tied with Tennessee atop the AFC South. The result made me wonder: where was Trevor Finch and why did he not interfere on the Colts behalf? I looked further into it and found the answer: Finch had to go on the run because time cop and resident of future Houston Clem Zarkins 8 was hot on his trail. You see Clem Zarkins 8 used to be Clem Osweiler, a direct descendant of Texans' quarterback Brock Osweiler whose last name suddenly changed after Trevor Finch traveled back in time to sully the Osweiler name to the extent that Brock's future lineage would change it to Zarkins 8 to avoid the inherent embarrassment. Now CZ8 has traveled back in time to prevent Finch from derailing Houston's Super Bowl quest, and in turn, reclaim his family's good name. This is getting good folks! It's far more important than any real analysis regarding this game. If the Texans get the win this Sunday we'll know that Clem Zarkins 8 has succeeded in deterring Finch for at least one more week.

Week 16

They did it, the bastards, they've screwed us all! Time traveling 13 year old Trevor Finch and time cop Clem Zarkins 8 (née Osweiler) have let their timeless struggle result in mutually assured destruction. As we all know, CZ8 was attempting to restore prestige to the Osweiler name by stopping Finch in his meddlesome efforts to derail the Texans' Super Bowl season. Predictably both of them were in Reliant Stadium last Sunday, and when CZ8 spotted Finch during the first quarter the chase was on, and multiple laser blaster shots were fired. Houston QB Brock Osweiler took notice and was very flustered by not only the laser shots but by the fact that the man firing them bore a striking resemblance to himself. Osweiler's resulting play was so poor that he was replaced in the 2nd quarter by backup Tom Savage. Brock spent the rest of the game on the side line with his helmet on, hiding from what he correctly assumed was a future descendant of his loose with a laser gun. Finch ended up evading his pursuer, but now both of them seem further from their original goal than ever before. Not only has Osweiler's name been further sullied by this benching, but with Tom Savage in the starting spot Houston's odds of winning the Super Bowl are better than ever. What have you done you space-time/rapscallions?

Week 17 

As I explained last week, time traveling teen Trevor Finch and timecop Clem Zarkins 8 have mutually assured the failures of their respective retcon missions now that Tom Savage is the new starting quarterback for the Texans and has led them to an AFC South title. I don't know about you, but it's clear to me that Finch and CZ8 must work together to get their destiny-altering efforts back on track. Step one is forcing Tom Savage out of action and Brock Osweiler back onto the field. After that though it's anybody's guess. When push comes to shove which present day visitor will get their way? Only TIME will tell.

Wild Card

As I suggested might happen last week, our time travelers Trevor Finch and Clem Zarkins 8 (if you don't know what I'm talking about here's a link to their full saga) worked together to remove Texans quarterback Tom Savage from the equation by replacing the padding in his helmet with metal plates. Savage actually caught them in the act and told them that they shouldn't be doing it because it wasn't safe. Finch scoffed, "You don't sound very savage to me." Savage frowned, defiantly exclaimed "Gimme that!" and ran out to the field. He later left the game with a concussion, and as a result Brock Osweiler is once again the starting quarterback. But now the temporary alliance between Trevor Finch and Clem Zarkins 8 has dissolved and the fate of the Texans, and perhaps all of us, hangs in the balance. If I had to guess at what sort of mayhem ensues at Reliant Stadium on Saturday I'd say that CZ8 snatches Finch sometime in the 2nd quarter, allowing Osweiler to operate freely. When CZ8 sees the resulting terrible play he'll be emotionally devastated, letting his guard down just enough to allow Finch to escape. On the field Osweiler's putrid performance will be topped only by that of the other "starting" quarterback Connor Cook, a man who, in the past, has been unfavorably compared to Bo Callahan from Draft Day. If your best comp is a fictional character whose 21st birthday went unattended by any of his teammates, you've got serious problems. Consequently, I think the Texans move on, along with our TIMELESS tale.

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