NFL Picks Week 12 - Sunday & (Barely) Monday

Morning Games

Green Bay @ Atlanta

This one could be a playoff preview. Then again there's a good possibility that it won't be. In fact, I wish I could do an audit of every time someone said, "This could be a playoff preview," I'd be willing to bet that as a society we've been right about 7% of the time. As for this game, apparently Matt Ryan doesn't lose in the Georgia Dome, so I'm leaning towards Atlanta. If you'll remember, a few weeks back I questioned Matt Ryan's superstar status; well, win this game and you've done it Matt, you've proven me wrong ... which was my goal all along (you guys should see the smirk on my face right now, it's really insufferable).

Falcons 27-24

Pittsburgh @ Buffalo

Looks like it's time for my Wacky Pick of the Week. And here it is ...

Bills 24-21

Carolina @ Cleveland

Jake Delhomme is starting for the Browns, making it a shame that this game isn't being played in Carolina. If it was, and someone ran on the field I'm betting that security would leave him alone if he made it clear he was gunning for Delhomme.

Browns 28-13

Jacksonville @ New York Giants

These Jags just keep finding ways to win, and it's pissing me off. I've proclaimed for the last two seasons that they suck, and now they're 6-4. Well the jig is up, this is the week they go down, this is the week they die! (I'm trying to establish a dynamic in which I'm a villain and the Jags are a scrappy hero that just won't be defeated. We'll see if they cooperate.)

Giants 26-17

Minnesota @ Washington

If you like juicy story lines this is the game for you I'm not sure if this game should be announced by Joe Buck or Jerry Springer! I mean am I right? C'mon! But seriously folks, if we've learned anything from the Cowboys it's that when a team fires their dead-man-walking coach they'll come out with energy the next week.

Vikings 28-18

Tennessee @ Houston

This week in SI's Fantasy Football section, they tabbed Randy Moss as a player whose stock was falling. What!? They're just realizing that? I haven't played this guy for the last 3 weeks. Ten days ago I was at the grocery store and overheard a 6 year-old telling her mom to, "Avoid Moss like the plague." But thanks for the advice SI, by the way, what should I do with J.J. Stokes? As for Houston, are they trying to get their fans to commit suicide? I'm pretty sure they can only go up from here.

Texans 24-16

Afternoon Games

Kansas City @ Seattle

Say what you will about the Hawks' loss in New Orleans, but they actually scored 19 points, which is their high for a loss this season. Unfortunately, they bounced off of Chris Ivory like Tecmo Super Bowl characters and wound up surrendering 34 points. But now The Hawks are back home in Seattle, where they never give up huge point totals.

Seahawks 24-17

Miami @ Oakland

It's time for Miami to start proving my "party animals that can only win on the road" theory again. And if they don't I'm never picking them again.

Dolphins 21-20

St. Louis @ Denver

The Rams are pretty bad on the road, and the Broncos are pretty bad everywhere. So who ends up being worse on Sunday? I'm going to go with the Rams. Why? Because wouldn't that just be better for everyone?

Broncos 20-16

Philadelphia @ Chicago

We've got a possible playoff preview on our hands here.

Eagles 23-19

Tampa Bay @ Baltimore

The upstart Bucs will really be put to the test this week. Will they pass? Yes, and I'm guessing they'll run also, probably not successfully enough to win the game though.

Ravens 17-10

Sunday Night

San Diego @ Indianapolis

Everything points to a Chargers win in this one. The Colts aren't healthy, San Diego's turning it on like they always do, and it seems like they've just had the Colts' number in the past few years. Which is why I'm going with Indy. Just when you think you've got all the answers Peyton Manning changes the question ... and then changes it a few more times at the line of scrimmage.

Colts 28-24

Monday Night

San Francisco @ Arizona

Oh no. When I got to the bottom of the schedule without seeing this game I just figured it had been canceled. That seemed more likely than it being a Monday Nighter. Anyway, somebody's going to win this ... probably.

Cardinals 16-13


Week 12 - Thanksgiving Games

I hope you all have a great day. And while you're stuffing your fat faces be thankful that you're not on the NFL TV crews who have to work on Thanksgiving. Or some jerk who has to make sure that 3D college basketball games make it to air for the 400 people with 3D TVs.

New England @ Detroit

There's no better Thanksgiving tradition than waking up bleary-eyed convinced that you're still dreaming because the Lions are on TV. This year you should probably just stay asleep, seeing as how this one won't be much of a game.

Pats 35-10

New Orleans @ Dallas

I remember about 15 years ago when Troy Aikman was hurt for the Thanksgiving game and Jason Garrett had to fill in. And, if you didn't remember that, don't worry you're going to be reminded of it ceaselessly during the broadcast. And guess what, he's in a replacement role once again! He won that first game I mentioned, but now Jon Kitna's his QB, and he brings that Lions Thanksgiving stink with him.

Saints 27-20

Cincinnati @ New York Jets

In the Bengals' two games before last they made a strong comeback late but fell short. In the Jets' last three games they've come back late and won in varying degrees of miraculosity. It seems inevitable that this game will be scoreless until the 4th quarter, at which point on of the most electric back-and-forth battles in NFL history will commence. It's just too bad that most people won't see it due to turkey naps.

Jets 24-20



Buffalo beating up on Cincy just so happened to be the greatest outcome of this season. My masterpiece is complete!


NFL Picks Week 11 ... The Conclusion

I'm coming off a 5-8 week. Like I said I had to rush and didn't have a lot of success, kind of like the Hawks inside the 10. Whoops, I let slip some Seahawks criticism, better make up for it by really hammering the Niners later.

Sunday Morning


If CBS just didn't send a crew out to this game would anyone notice? I doubt it, and I'm including people in Buffalo and Cincinnati.

Bengals 23-13

Detroit @ Dallas

Ya know a lot's going to be made about this being the Kitna Bowl. In fact, it led Sportscenter last night. But I'm sorry, I'm just not that interested. Now, if this game were being played in Detroit where Kitna's jersey hangs in the rafters then it would be a different story.

Cowboys 28-20

Washington @ Tennessee

The Redskins seem to be a cohesive organization, "McNabb, you're fat, slow, and dumb ... here's $80 million." Honestly, what have they seen from McNabb this year that warrants an extension at all, let alone one for $80 million (There's little chance that he'll actually end up with the whole thing, but still.) One writer claimed that there were racial undertones to Shanahan's comments about McNabb not being able to grasp the playbook. Well guess what, McNabb does seem stupid, and it has nothing to do with the fact that he's black, the guy didn't know how overtime worked! Anyway, the Redskins suck.

Titans 24-16

Arizona @ Kansas City

Kansas City's on a two game losing streak but there's good news for Chiefs fans: the Cardinals are coming to town! I'm actually thinking about changing my name so that nobody ever confuses me for Derek Anderson.

Chiefs 34-20

Green Bay @ Minnesota

Anybody catch Favre's press conference after the Vikings' loss last week? It was self-indulgent, even for Favre. It's going to be great when Minnesota's 5-9 and he's still pulling this shit but nobody cares. He's going to have to take a picture of something really crazy just to stay relevant. I'm guessing taint.

Packers 24-21

Houston @ New York Jets

Mark Sanchez seems like he's really becoming a bona fide NFL quarterback, including his terrible celebration (at the :08 mark) after throwing the game-winning touchdown pass. Sweet high steps Mark, isn't this guy supposed to be cool? I'll bet chicks aren't gonna be into him anymore. As for Houston, they seem to really have trouble defending against the deep ball, so I can't in good conscience pick them.

Jets 23-17

Oakland @ Pittsburgh

Tom Brady may have uncovered the secret to beating the Steelers' defense last week, all you have to do is yell at your offense a lot and remind them to play well. Unfortunately for the Raiders, I'm not sure that Jason Campbell has that in him so they'll probably lose.

Steelers 26-17

Baltimore @ Carolina

Wacky Pick of the Week time: Steve Smith will finally get his wish when it's revealed that the most brilliant scientists Charlotte has to offer have collaborated to clone a team full of Steve Smiths. The team will unravel, however, when it becomes apparent that even Steve Smith can't stand Steve Smith.

Ravens 23-9

Cleveland @ Jacksonville

Is Cleveland the best team in the NFL? Not as long as the Hawks are still in the league obviously, but are they in the top 5? No, but they're pretty solid. There, I said it, these Browns are solid (a phrase I haven't been able to use since the McRib returned).

Browns 28-20

Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco

After consecutive wins the Niners' season is back on track. Mike Singletary should take time out of his day to thank his lucky stars that he coaches in the NFC West. Though, he probably won't be able to because he already burned all his time outs. The bad news for San Fran is that Josh "World Beater" Freeman is coming to town, and this guy loves crushing lame-o's.

Bucs 23-16

Seattle @ New Orleans

The Seahawks are flying under the radar right now, and I think they like it that way. That's the rationalization I've come to to explain their ridiculous inability to score in the red zone. See if they scored too many points they'd have a bull's eye on their chest. Luckily this game is a 1pm start time. I don't know why the Saints decided to go with the later kickoff, but someone just make a bad mistake!

Seahawks 27-24

Atlanta @ St. Louis

And here's game #3 in this week's NFC West/NFC South showdown. Some would say that those are the best and worst divisions in the conference, but I'm not sure, I mean the South isn't that bad. The Rams have played well at home and this has the makings of a letdown for Atlanta, who just came off a big win and have two tough games coming up.

Rams 20-17

Indianapolis @ New England

I fell asleep during this game last year, but to be fair I was tired. This year I vow to stay awake AND pay attention. It's this type of commitment that makes it possible for me to bring you this post most weeks. Anybody else think it's lame that Brady is trying to copy Whitehurst's hair?

Patriots 28-23

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

It's nice to see Michael Vick be able to concentrate on football after all of those nasty dogfighting rumors. This guy has shown us what courage is all about.

Giants 24-20

Monday Night

Denver @ San Diego

Once again the AFC West has aligned itself for the Chargers to take over the division in the second half of the season. Why are we even surprised at this point? It happens every year. There should be a prop bet at the beginning of each season: Which will last longer? The Chargers being outside of 1st place or Alex Smith being a starting quarterback.

Chargers 35-17

Felix Hernandez won the Cy Young Award for the American League

I love this guy. I hope he stays a Mariner forever. He's the only reason I watched any games the last half of the season. God bless Felix.

All Hail the King.

Bow Down to the King.

Long Live the King.

The One True King.

We Are Motorhead.

(Sorry, this sucks, but we all know Felix rules. I don't have much to add... but clearly the mustacheers were clamoring for a thread topic, so discuss away my loved ones)


NFL Picks Week 11

Just to assure all of you that last week's weak effort was an anomaly I got an early start on things.

Thursday Night

Chicago @ Miami

Apparently Chad Pennington had a bonus in his contract in which he got $200,000 for every game he started. Well, he ended up playing two downs on Sunday, so he got $100,000 per snap. It's too bad he doesn't have Cam Newton's dad as his agent because then he probably could have made $100,000-$180,000 per play. (By the way, if I can switch to college for a second, that part of the story makes no sense. Why would they ask for 100-180? "If my boy's going to play for your school I want $180,000 ... or 55% of that. Your call." I hope this guy's not a salesman, he'd make the worst haggler ever.) Last week Miami finally got off the schneid at home, why would they stop winning now? Oh right, they're starting their third-string quarterback ... hmm ... naw screw it, I'm still picking them.

Dolphins 27-17

Sunday Morning ....

... Will be available on Friday morning. You didn't really think I'd blow my hot post on a Wednesday night did you? I save that shit for high traffic hours.


A chat between your party hosts

*standard text messaging rates apply

Party Host 1 (from his car): Sark said on the radio today that he wouldn't be surprised to see Jake Locker have a performance similar to Vick last night within the next 8 -10 years. Yeah Fucking Right

Party Host 2 (pumping iron at the gym): This makes me feel better about the apple cup knowing sark is a moron


NFL Picks Week 10

I've been pretty busy this week, so I hope you're not too upset with these abbreviated comments. And I'm sure some of you are saying, "I wish they were this short every week!" Well eff off jerk.

Sunday Morning

Detroit @ Buffalo

The Bills have got to win sometime, and the Niners aren't on their schedule.

Bills 22-21

Minnesota @ Chicago

The Bears are 5-3? How is that possible? The beat the Packers on a Monday night, which is a quality win, aside from that the combined record of the teams they've beat is: 4-28. Yes, you read that right ... 4-28! In other words, the four worst teams (record-wise) in the league.

Vikings 24-17

New York Jets @ Cleveland

You have to hand it to the Browns, they've had an impossible schedule and they've actually crushed a couple good teams in their last couple games, which I guess would make them the anti-Bears.

Browns 21-17

Cincinnati @ Indianapolis

Squash match.

Colts 35-17

Tennessee @ Miami

The Dolphins let me down on the road last week, now I don't know what to believe ... except that they'll lose at home.

Titans 26-23

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

Tampa is looking pretty solid, which I guess would mean that the Panthers are pretty liquid?

Buccaneers 27-10

Houston @ Jacksonville

I'm not sure what to make of either team at this point.

Texans 30-27

Afternoon Games

Kansas City @ Denver

Interesting match-up here.

Chiefs 23-20

Dallas @ New York Giants

Whoa, these Giants are getting good.

Giants 38-9

Seattle @ Arizona

In the Hawks losses this year they've averaged 6.75 points, which means that if they score a touchdown Sunday it'll be downhill from there.

Seahawks 20-13

St. Louis @ San Francisco

Interesting match-up here.

Rams 23-16

Sunday Night

New England @ Pittsburgh

In the words of Johnny Moxon: "Tell me who wins."

Steelers 20-17

Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Washington

I'm not sure I have the mental or cardio-vascular capacity to finish this post.

Eagles 24-19


A new standard

The McRib's journey on HCM has been well documented.

But there's a new sheriff in town...

For those of you monkeys that can't count... that's 5 McRibs. And he ate them... bones and all.

Let's follow Peter on his 5 McRib journey!

So far so good...

Still no issues... but here comes #5...

Ok... so there weren't really any issues... 5 McRibs with relative ease. So there you have it Mustacheers. 5 is the new benchmark. Can you beat it? Probably not. GFY.


NFL Picks Week 9

Well it's the halfway point of the NFL season, which means it's time for the cowards at Sport Illustrated to release their revised playoff picks. They've already changed half of their division winners not to mention the fact that their website and their magazine list two completely different Super Bowl picks. Beginning in August I've gone on record with my pick to anyone who will listen: the Seahawks will simply be awarded the trophy after the AFC winner decides they'd rather not embarrass themselves.

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

Alright Raheem Morris, 5-2, I see ya, I see ya. Seriously though, last week just reinforced my point that Tampa can play well enough to beat bad teams. Unfortunately for them, Atlanta is not a bad team.

Falcons 27-19

Chicago @ Buffalo

This one is being played in Toronto which marks the second week in a row that an absolutely awful match-up has been presented on foreign soil. I saw a headline that Goodell is seriously considering international expansion, but pretty soon no one's going to be interested.

Bills 24-21

New England @ Cleveland

Remember a few years back when Bradley played Pittsburgh in the 2nd round of the NCAA tournament and the scoreboard read Brad Pitt? Well this game is kind of similar, it's going to be Pats-Browns or Pat Brown. Who's Pat Brown you ask? This guy! Who's that guy? I don't know he's the first person that pops up when you do a Google image search for Pat Brown. As for the game, while the Browns may not be too awful I don't think they'll pull this one out. However, they'll put up enough of a fight to make Pat Brown proud.

Patriots 30-24

New York Jets @ Detroit

In the Jets' five wins they've averaged 30 points, while in their two losses they've averaged 4.5. I've said it before but I'll say it again, if you want to win football games in the National Football League you have to score at least 5 points. Rex & co. have decided to ignore that rule a couple of times this year and it's cost them. The Lions are coming off a win and well ... good for them, I mean it's not often you get to say that, I just thought I'd point it out.

Jets 19-13

Arizona @ Minnesota

The only thing that cheered me up while watching the Seahawks offensive line poop all over themselves last Sunday was peeking over at the Cardinals game and seeing Max Hall be Max Hall. I really like this guy because it's always satisfying to watch a guy that gives you exactly what you expect. He's like the opposite Peyton Manning. Anyway, it looks like the fun's over this week, fake me Derek Anderson has regained his spot as starter. As for Minnesota, I didn't have any volume on their game so when I saw Favre getting carted off the field while lying in a fetal position I honestly thought he was dead. Fortunately for the people of Earth, and indeed any extra-terrestrial life, Favre seems to be ok.

Vikings 24-10

New Orleans @ Carolina

Until they win a game I think Carolina should be known as the Blank Panthers. They could really make this into a marketing gimmick and sell black gloves to the fans. Steve Smith could come out before every game and raise his fist to symbolize the number of wins they have. I'm not sure why they would celebrate the fact that have no wins, but it would be fun right? (NOTE: As Mustacheer "Bobby" pointed out in the comments the Panthers have actually won a game this year. Considering they beat the Niners I think we can all agree that it didn't really count.)

Saints 28-17

Miami @ Baltimore

In a world gone mad there's only one thing I can trust: The Miami Dolphins on the road. These guys just get the job done. This match-up, however, is probably their toughest test yet. Does it matter? No. Dolphins are supposedly very smart so it would stand to reason that they'd do well on tests.

Dolphins 21-18

San Diego @ Houston

Was last week the beginning of yet another trademark November/December run by San Diego? Let's take a closer look: last week's game was actually in October, which would mean they'd need an October/November/December run. Not only that, but the last Sunday of the season is in January, you thinking what I'm thinking? A four month run might be too much to ask.

Texans 27-24

Sunday Afternoon

New York Giants @ Seattle

Obviously the Seahawks' o-line had some issues last week. Luckily the Giants come to town on Sunday, and their season high for sacks in a game is only 10, so Whitehurst figures to keep a clean jersey throughout (Joke's on you. Little known fact: the Seahawks play on an artificial fieldturf meaning that even if Whitehurst does get sacked his jersey will remain relatively clean.). Still, this figures to be a tough game for the Hawks, but I've heard that Jay Feely has been tapped to raise the 12th Man flag which figures to psyche out the G-Men.

Seahawks 24-21

Kansas City @ Oakland

Sure the Raiders are looking pretty good right now, but I'm guessing that this week they don't get an Immaculate Reception style catch that goes for 60 yards, a touchdown on a play where two defenders collide, or a ridiculously deflected interception. Did they deserve to win anyway last week? Trick question they were playing the Hawks so the answer is invariably no. My original point was that all the bounces are going their way right now, eventually they won't. Unless they're in the midst of some sort of an Angels in the Outfield-esque run and they're actually being helped by supernatural forces, in which case all bets are off.

Raiders 23-20

Indianapolis @ Philadelphia

It strikes me as a little curious that one day Dallas Clark seemed slightly dinged up and the next he was out for the season. Is it possible that Peyton Manning paid him to sit out the season to prove that he could get it done even with Jacob Tamme as the starting tight end? No. How dare you buy in to such malarkey, you sick, sick bastard. As for the game, it should be a good one.

Colts 31-27

Sunday Night

Dallas @ Green Bay

One week too early for NBC to flex this game out, too bad. You know what the lame thing is? I'll bet that even if they had the option NBC would keep this game just because it's Dallas. Either way we're going to be stuck watching Jon Kitna do his best Max Hall impression in primetime. I peeked at Dallas's schedule for the rest of the year and I don't see them doing any better than 4-12. I don't really have anything to add, that's pretty cool though right?

Packers 34-13

Monday Night

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

And the week is capped off by this gem. My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Bocephus doesn't even record a song for this game. They'll cut to him at the normal time before the game and he'll say, "I'm just so tired, what's the point?" Of course, this will result in Bocephus getting fired, but he'll have made a point that hits home with much of the nation. NBC will strike while the iron is hot, hiring Bocephus to sing their opening song meaning that we'll never have to hear Faith Hill's monstrosity again.

Steelers 20-9


The Savior?

Call him what you want: Charlie, Charles, Chaz, Chuck, Jesus, ChazMaTaz, RazzMaChazz, Beauty and the Beast Mode (thank you Wyatt Powell)... I call him the savior.


The comparisons to Jesus have been made (some might say the hair and beard are the source of those comaprisons, maybe) and that got me thinking... Didn't Jesus slay a bunch of Giants one Sunday in the Bible? Well Sunday at Qwest... Life imitates art!!!!


I can only think of one debut that had this much anticipation. And it was this guy.

Let's hope Chaz doesn't turn the crowd on him as quickly as our friend in that link.




It's baaaaaaack!

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty tired of some crummy election distracting the American public from what's REALLY important...

Gentleman... It's back!!!


If you've read this "blog" for awhile now, then you know of our love affair (seriously... ask around) of the delicious McRib. We love it so much, we eat MORE THAN ONE at a time. THAT'S RIGHT... a contest!!!!

Some have tried and embarrassed themselves as seen here.

This guy wasn't ready for prime time just yet (I expect more out of him this time around).

and then? This man amongst boys stepped up to the plate. 4 was all it took to set the bar.... and that's where it stands.

So we challenge you Mustacheers... can you eat more than 4 in one sitting? Go for glory!

Go for immortality!!!!

Good luck. And remember... much like sex with your girlfriend from Canada... pics or didn't happen.