NFL Picks Week 9

Well it's the halfway point of the NFL season, which means it's time for the cowards at Sport Illustrated to release their revised playoff picks. They've already changed half of their division winners not to mention the fact that their website and their magazine list two completely different Super Bowl picks. Beginning in August I've gone on record with my pick to anyone who will listen: the Seahawks will simply be awarded the trophy after the AFC winner decides they'd rather not embarrass themselves.

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

Alright Raheem Morris, 5-2, I see ya, I see ya. Seriously though, last week just reinforced my point that Tampa can play well enough to beat bad teams. Unfortunately for them, Atlanta is not a bad team.

Falcons 27-19

Chicago @ Buffalo

This one is being played in Toronto which marks the second week in a row that an absolutely awful match-up has been presented on foreign soil. I saw a headline that Goodell is seriously considering international expansion, but pretty soon no one's going to be interested.

Bills 24-21

New England @ Cleveland

Remember a few years back when Bradley played Pittsburgh in the 2nd round of the NCAA tournament and the scoreboard read Brad Pitt? Well this game is kind of similar, it's going to be Pats-Browns or Pat Brown. Who's Pat Brown you ask? This guy! Who's that guy? I don't know he's the first person that pops up when you do a Google image search for Pat Brown. As for the game, while the Browns may not be too awful I don't think they'll pull this one out. However, they'll put up enough of a fight to make Pat Brown proud.

Patriots 30-24

New York Jets @ Detroit

In the Jets' five wins they've averaged 30 points, while in their two losses they've averaged 4.5. I've said it before but I'll say it again, if you want to win football games in the National Football League you have to score at least 5 points. Rex & co. have decided to ignore that rule a couple of times this year and it's cost them. The Lions are coming off a win and well ... good for them, I mean it's not often you get to say that, I just thought I'd point it out.

Jets 19-13

Arizona @ Minnesota

The only thing that cheered me up while watching the Seahawks offensive line poop all over themselves last Sunday was peeking over at the Cardinals game and seeing Max Hall be Max Hall. I really like this guy because it's always satisfying to watch a guy that gives you exactly what you expect. He's like the opposite Peyton Manning. Anyway, it looks like the fun's over this week, fake me Derek Anderson has regained his spot as starter. As for Minnesota, I didn't have any volume on their game so when I saw Favre getting carted off the field while lying in a fetal position I honestly thought he was dead. Fortunately for the people of Earth, and indeed any extra-terrestrial life, Favre seems to be ok.

Vikings 24-10

New Orleans @ Carolina

Until they win a game I think Carolina should be known as the Blank Panthers. They could really make this into a marketing gimmick and sell black gloves to the fans. Steve Smith could come out before every game and raise his fist to symbolize the number of wins they have. I'm not sure why they would celebrate the fact that have no wins, but it would be fun right? (NOTE: As Mustacheer "Bobby" pointed out in the comments the Panthers have actually won a game this year. Considering they beat the Niners I think we can all agree that it didn't really count.)

Saints 28-17

Miami @ Baltimore

In a world gone mad there's only one thing I can trust: The Miami Dolphins on the road. These guys just get the job done. This match-up, however, is probably their toughest test yet. Does it matter? No. Dolphins are supposedly very smart so it would stand to reason that they'd do well on tests.

Dolphins 21-18

San Diego @ Houston

Was last week the beginning of yet another trademark November/December run by San Diego? Let's take a closer look: last week's game was actually in October, which would mean they'd need an October/November/December run. Not only that, but the last Sunday of the season is in January, you thinking what I'm thinking? A four month run might be too much to ask.

Texans 27-24

Sunday Afternoon

New York Giants @ Seattle

Obviously the Seahawks' o-line had some issues last week. Luckily the Giants come to town on Sunday, and their season high for sacks in a game is only 10, so Whitehurst figures to keep a clean jersey throughout (Joke's on you. Little known fact: the Seahawks play on an artificial fieldturf meaning that even if Whitehurst does get sacked his jersey will remain relatively clean.). Still, this figures to be a tough game for the Hawks, but I've heard that Jay Feely has been tapped to raise the 12th Man flag which figures to psyche out the G-Men.

Seahawks 24-21

Kansas City @ Oakland

Sure the Raiders are looking pretty good right now, but I'm guessing that this week they don't get an Immaculate Reception style catch that goes for 60 yards, a touchdown on a play where two defenders collide, or a ridiculously deflected interception. Did they deserve to win anyway last week? Trick question they were playing the Hawks so the answer is invariably no. My original point was that all the bounces are going their way right now, eventually they won't. Unless they're in the midst of some sort of an Angels in the Outfield-esque run and they're actually being helped by supernatural forces, in which case all bets are off.

Raiders 23-20

Indianapolis @ Philadelphia

It strikes me as a little curious that one day Dallas Clark seemed slightly dinged up and the next he was out for the season. Is it possible that Peyton Manning paid him to sit out the season to prove that he could get it done even with Jacob Tamme as the starting tight end? No. How dare you buy in to such malarkey, you sick, sick bastard. As for the game, it should be a good one.

Colts 31-27

Sunday Night

Dallas @ Green Bay

One week too early for NBC to flex this game out, too bad. You know what the lame thing is? I'll bet that even if they had the option NBC would keep this game just because it's Dallas. Either way we're going to be stuck watching Jon Kitna do his best Max Hall impression in primetime. I peeked at Dallas's schedule for the rest of the year and I don't see them doing any better than 4-12. I don't really have anything to add, that's pretty cool though right?

Packers 34-13

Monday Night

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

And the week is capped off by this gem. My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Bocephus doesn't even record a song for this game. They'll cut to him at the normal time before the game and he'll say, "I'm just so tired, what's the point?" Of course, this will result in Bocephus getting fired, but he'll have made a point that hits home with much of the nation. NBC will strike while the iron is hot, hiring Bocephus to sing their opening song meaning that we'll never have to hear Faith Hill's monstrosity again.

Steelers 20-9


Erik said...

Haha. Nope, I totally forgot. How could that classic slip my mind?

Bobby said...

Im about to breach my contract with Brotherton.... 2 games back after this weekend and comen hard!

jimi said...

i just want to point out that bobby said "comen hard!". I really want to make a joke here but i am overwhelmed by the options and can not settle on just one. If this was tosh.o i would put 20 seconds on the clock. haha, comen hard!