Sunday Morning
Seattle @ St. Louis
One thing has
become clear after the oft-discussed Monday Night Football game between
Seattle and Green Bay, the Seahawks never say die. What an heroic
effort. One other thing that may not be as clear to the ignoramuses out
there is that the Hawks D has become a force. Should they be reckoned
with? Probably not. In their last 11 games the Hawks have given up more
than 20 points only once in regulation, and that was in a game against
the Redskins that I'm still convinced didn't actually happen. In the
2012 season Seattle is allowing 13 points per game, which is the lowest
average in the NFL. Not to mention the fact that .... wait a minute, you
guys know I'm picking the Hawks right? Ok.
Seahawks 20-9
Carolina @ Atlanta
The
Falcons may just have the best resume in the NFL so far. But if you look
closer you'll see a lot of padding. For instance, they put down that
they were an "Executive Assistant" from '03-'06, I mean, that's just a
fancy way of saying secretary right? I'm not sure I'm buying it just yet
Atlanta. Though, I'm absolutely sure I'm not buying into the Panthers
after their Thursday night stinker against the Giants in which Cam
Newton still saw fit to do his Superman celebration after getting into
the end zone to make the score 23-7 en route to a 36-7 loss. It was the
equivalent of Clark Kent waiting until Metropolis is mostly rubble then
saying, "Alright, I should probably find a phone booth."
Falcons 30-16
New England @ Buffalo
The
Patriots come in to this game actually trailing the Bills in the AFC
East standings. That shouldn't be a problem for Bill Belichick though,
even if he has to chase down Buffalo himself, grab them by the arm and
shout at them. He's normally pretty good at that. I just can't imagine
New England losing a third straight game, but if it does happen it
oughta be a lot of fun for everyone, right?
Patriots 35-24
Minnesota @ Detroit
After
getting extremely lucky on a Hail Mary pass that probably shouldn't have
counted the Lions proceeded to blow their game against the Titans in
overtime last week on a fourth down sneak that apparently wasn't even
supposed to have actually happened. Jim Schwartz tried to play it cool
later on, but it was clear that, as is normally the case for him after a
game, he was shaken up. Now Detroit will attempt to bounce back against
the Vikings, who are led by world-beater Christian Ponder. Were you
aware that he currently has a 104.9 passer rating, and his QBR is ...
oh, never mind, nobody cares ESPN ... seriously nobody. Well maybe this guy, but that's it. As improved as Ponder has been I think
the Lions have to have this one, a mindset that teams should always
take into games, because it always results in a win (of course, that
would mean that every team would win every game, but isn't that a world we'd all like to live in?).
Lions 26-23
San Diego @ Kansas City
Last
week I picked the Chargers to beat the Falcons. They proceeded to lose
27-3. I don't have much of a point, I just figured I'd display some
humility. Can you guys believe how humble I am? After their embarrassing
loss, San Diego looks to rebound against a Chiefs team that has built
some confidence with a road win over the Saints. In that win, Jamaal
Charles had a 91 yard touchdown run and if he can manage two or three of
those against the Chargers I think KC will have a good shot in this one
(though they'd evidently be losing the field position battle).
Chiefs 23-20
San Francisco @ New York Jets
So
what exactly happened to the 49ers last week? Was it merely a fluke, or
a sign of things to come? Or maybe a flukey sign of things to come. No.
That one doesn't make any sense; but neither did San Fran's loss to the
Vikings last Sunday. Don't you see? Well I don't, I got lost in some
sort of downward spiral on this one and I'm not sure I can pull myself
out, so let's just get to the prediction. I think the Niners will handle
the Jets here, unless Tebow gets in for an extended period of time,
because that would, of course, result in a New York victory and squeals
of glee across the nation.
49ers 24-12
Tennessee @ Houston
I
think both teams should wear throwback Oilers uniforms in this game,
just to mess with people. Unfortunately if they did, I'd guess that it
would also "mess with" the players on the field, leading to a record
number of interceptions and goofy blooper plays. While the five year old
kids in attendance would be jazzed it's probably just not realistic.
Alas, we're left with merely a normally uniformed match-up between the
two, one which I'm not sure will be much of a contest.
Texans 31-17
Sunday Afternoon
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville
The
Jaguars won a game last week! That's such an unexpected phrase that it
should be said with the same inflection as, "Daniel LaRusso's gonna
fight!" So can they make it two in a row? Perhaps, but I'll have to
crane my neck to find out because it'll be on ... (all together) ...
The corner screen at the Shack! (Wow, thanks for joining in on that with
me guys, I can really feel this gimmick gaining traction) The Bengals D
looked unimpressive again last week, but they managed to squirm away
with their 2nd win, those scumbags. If it's sort of broke, yet still
functional don't fix it.
Bengals 30-23
Miami @ Arizona
As
I'm sure you've heard by now, the Cardinals are 3-0. And if you haven't
heard you need to spend more time at the water cooler bro. The Cards
are being discussed non-stop by casual fans, it's pretty much all that
people are talking about in regards to the NFL this year. And with good
reason, the Arizona defense has been dominate to this point, and they
show no signs of letting up. Of course, I haven't been watching them
practice, so it's entirely possible that they've been showing signs of
letting up all week, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt here.
Cardinals 23-13
Oakland @ Denver
I
was really excited that the main guy from Detroit Rock City got
his first win as coach of the Raiders. It was one of those classic
early season Oakland shootouts that seem surreal because of the
non-stop action and the fact that there's a pitcher's mound on the
field. Meanwhile Peyton Manning has made a habit of launching furious
4th quarter comebacks after digging himself giant holes to start off the
game. Manning is hoping for a more regular performance
this week, and I think he'll get just that.
Broncos 35-21
New Orleans @ Green Bay
Obviously the Packers' main weakness is
defending the deep ball, which is something that Drew Brees could
certainly exploit. Unfortunately, the Saints' main weakness so far this
season has been winning games, which could prove detrimental to them as
the season wears on. It seems obvious to pick a shootout in this one,
and the 2012 season has been nothing if not obvious. I see this one
ending with Green Bay getting a late stop for once, they're due.
Packers 38-33
Washington @ Tampa Bay
So
the Bucs were again faced with an end of game situation in which they
were within a possession, and the other team was kneeling on the ball to
run out the clock, and what did Greg Schiano decide to do? The exact
same thing he did against the Giants in Week 2, bull rush the Center in
an attempt to cause a fumble. And ya know what? I loved it. Some folks
were in up in arms the first time around but Schiano stuck to his guns
and came out guns blazing (and yes, the guns that he stuck to and the
guns that he blazed were the very same guns). I'm sold on this guy's
'tude.
Buccaneers 27-20
Sunday Night
New York Giants @ Philadelphia
The
Eagles have beaten the Giants in 6 of their last 7 meetings, but New
York has won 5 straight road games (including the playoffs), so clearly
something has to give. After the Giants came out and dominated Carolina
last week, and the Eagles offense looked lost against Arizona it would
seem logical to pick New York. But like I said last time, my new
strategy with the Giants is to go against my initial inclination, call
it the Costanza Theorem (unless somebody's already used that).
Eagles 28-27
Monday Night
Dallas @ Chicago
Both
teams come into this game with 2-1 records and a boatload of question
marks (Fun Fact that isn't true: "Boatload of Question Marks" was the
title of the DC comic book Batman, issue #81, in which the Riddler rigs a
yacht filled with puzzles for the Caped Crusader to solve; it's known
among fanboys as the second worst issue in the book's history). But
instead of focusing on the actual teams participating in this game I'd
like to take issue with the announcing team that will be covering it.
We've all witnessed the nasty smear campaign that ESPN and the rest of
the sports media has launched this week against those poor replacement
referees that were only doing their best during last week's Monday Night
game. Of course, the criticism originated with the announcers on the
scene, Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden. They treated the touchdown call as
something of a national tragedy (Gruden actually used the word "tragic"
at one point). Ok, so they thought it was clearly an interception ... or
did they!? Listen to Tirico's original call of the play here. At
the :28 mark he says, "...Simultaneous ..." So, right when the play
happened, Tirico saw the same thing as the refs on the field. Those who
live in glass announcing booths should not throw stones.
Bears 16-13
9.27.2012
9.26.2012
NFL Picks Week 4 - Thursday
Cleveland @ Baltimore
Yikes, this mismatch may wind up being more painful to watch than Miss Match. In their last six games against the Ravens, the Browns have averaged 9 points, and with the Baltimore cranking up the O to the tune of 26 points per game so far this season it doesn't seem like we'll have much of a game here. But don't tell that to Pat Sherman! The reason you shouldn't tell him that is because the Browns coach is actually named Pat Shurmur. You probably shouldn't say anything to him either though, he's got a tough game coming up and the last thing he needs is some snot-nosed buttface telling him he's going to lose. But anyway, the Browns are going to lose.
Ravens 26-9
Yikes, this mismatch may wind up being more painful to watch than Miss Match. In their last six games against the Ravens, the Browns have averaged 9 points, and with the Baltimore cranking up the O to the tune of 26 points per game so far this season it doesn't seem like we'll have much of a game here. But don't tell that to Pat Sherman! The reason you shouldn't tell him that is because the Browns coach is actually named Pat Shurmur. You probably shouldn't say anything to him either though, he's got a tough game coming up and the last thing he needs is some snot-nosed buttface telling him he's going to lose. But anyway, the Browns are going to lose.
Ravens 26-9
9.20.2012
NFL Picks - Week 3
Sunday Morning
St. Louis @ Chicago
The Rams are 1-1. Not a big deal, you say? Well would you like to know the last time that St. Louis started 1-1? Me too. Somebody look that up. Anyway, this year's team seems to have actually turned things around, at least on the offensive side of the ball. The Rams' O has averaged 27 points over the first two weeks, a marked improvement over the 12.1 ppg that they put up in 2011. How marked? Totes marked. Of course, their defense has also allowed 27.5 ppg, so it's still a bit hard to take them seriously. Speaking of making it hard to take you seriously. I thought I'd seen pouting before, but last Thursday Jay Cutler reached new heights even for him, and those are unbelievable heights, we're talking Robert Wadlow style here. The deciding factor in this contest will most likely be the Bears defense, which actually played pretty well for most of the game against Green Bay, and playing pretty well is precisely the blueprint for beating St. Louis.
Bears 31-24
Buffalo @ Cleveland
It's a Rustbelt showdown! Fun fact that isn't true: these were the two most populous cities in the 1930 US Census. As a tribute to this, I feel like the game should be banned from TV and probably radio too. Ideally the only reports of this game would be provided by ticker tape. And you better bring a shitload of it, because this one could go alllllll night! Actually that could not happen due to the NFL rules. Come to think of it, a tie would be a fitting end for this throwback, but I know you folks don't come here for ties, this isn't the Men's Wearhouse. That being said, at the end of this game, if you're a Bills fan you're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it.
Bills 27-23
Tampa Bay @ Dallas
Both of these teams have played the Giants, so if we simply employ the transitive property based on their games against that mutual opponent it's clear that the Cowboys will win. Of course, it's common knowledge that Bucs' coach Greg Schiano's favorite saying is, "Fuck the transitive property." In fact, that's what he said to Tom Coughlin during their postgame altercation, which explains why Coughlin looked so confused; it had nothing to do with Tampa being over-zealous on the game's final snap. Speaking of which, it seems to me that the Bucs were simply playing the game all the way until the bitter end, a kind of never say die attitude that the Cowboys clearly don't have. And it's for that very reason that I'm picking Dallas. I admire a team that knows when to die.
Cowboys 23-18
New York Jets @ Miami
It's almost here. After a sub-par Week 2 performance from Mark Sanchez, Jets fans are most likely getting a little antsy. Now all it will take is Sanchez wilting in the Miami heat to set up a day of reckoning when the Jets return to New York in Week 3 to play San Francisco. Obviously Sanch will struggle mightily in the first half, leading the masses to chant His name. And then we will see Him rise again. And they will call Him Tebow, and He will be good. For this prophecy to come true it will require a second straight home win from the Dolphins. This might be asking too much, or maybe ... not enough? Yeah, that makes sense.
Dolphins 21-14
San Francisco @ Minnesota
A lot of people are saying that the 49ers are the best team in the NFL. Of course, those people aren't me. For starters I'm only one person, it would be impossible for me to be people. It's just logic folks. Is San Francisco the best team in the league? I'll hold my judgment until after the Super Bowl, I never jump to conclusions when declaring the league's best team. Is San Francisco good enough to beat the Vikings? If you're talking about the Christian Ponder led Vikings, then yes, they're good enough.
49ers 23-9
Kansas City @ New Orleans
This promises to be one of the more entertaining games during the morning due in large part to the fact that both teams' defenses have been so god-awful. They've each relinquished an average of 37.5 points per game, leading me to believe that this will be a high scoring affair, and on a broader scale just leading me to believe again. Look, I can't get too into it here but these abominable defenses have opened me up spiritually in ways I could never have imagined so soon after the accident. I'm sorry, I can't continue any further with this game, it's getting too deep.
Saints 41-28
Cincinnati @ Washington
With RG3 at the helm the Redskins offense has become nothing short of dynamic, while the Bengals defense has been everything short of dynamic. This looks like a recipe for a Washington scoring outburst. And this looks like a recipe for banana bread.
Redskins 35-25
Detroit @ Tennessee
The Titans have managed just 23 points so far this season. I'm not saying that Jake Locker shouldn't be their starting quarterback, but it's clear that the Gods are angered, or maybe just confused by the fact that Matthew Hasselbeck is on the sideline. It's just unnatural, though it does give him ample opportunity to wear a hat. It would appear that for the time being Tennessee will stick with Locker, at least until a giant spear descends from the heavens and pierces midfield. After that they'll probably figure it out.
Lions 30-17
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
After showing signs of life in Week 1, the Jaguars revealed their true selves in a 27-7 home loss to the Texans. And it's this kind of putrid consistency that will most likely relegate them to the Corner Screen at The Shack for a second week in this young season. Maybe they'll surprise us all and pull out a win, and congrats to them if they do. I'll have to take your word for it though, because I refuse to watch.
Colts 20-13
Sunday Afternoon
Philadelphia @ Arizona
It's a battle of unbeaten teams that could easily be a battle of winless teams. The Eagles and Cards have won their four games by a combined total of eight points. Michael Vick has already thrown six interceptions this season, meanwhile the Cardinals quarterback is Kevin Kolb. Hey speaking of Kolb, this is his chance to finally get revenge against Philadelphia, the team that traded him allowing him to sign a gigantic, unwarranted contract with Arizona. Man I can't wait to see what he's got in store for those bastards. Judging by both of these teams' games so far this figures to be a nail-biter, after which we still won't be sure if either team is good.
Cardinals 19-17
Atlanta @ San Diego
Both of these teams also come into this match-up undefeated, and while the Chargers have looked fairly tough to beat so far, the Falcons may have just the key to handing them their first loss: competent long-snapping. In fact, if there was a ticking time bomb that had to be disposed of, and for whatever reason the only viable option of disposing of that time bomb was bending over and flinging the time bomb between your legs, I wouldn't want anybody other than Josh Harris to do the job. And just to reiterate, that "job" is flinging a ticking time bomb through his legs while bent over. Unfortunately, while on a football field Harris's impact is limited, and with his team coming off a short week and a long plane flight I'll have to go with San Diego.
Chargers 27-24
Houston @ Denver
The Texans continue to stake their claim as the best team in the AFC. Of course, they've staked said claim on the withered corpses of the Jaguars and the Dolphins, who were being guided by a clearly petrified Ryan Tannehill in his first start. This figures to be Houston's first real test as they travel to Denver to take on Peyton Manning, who almost led his team to a stunning comeback victory last week. Of course, the reason they were trailing by so much is because of his atrocious first half. I think Manning will find a balance in this game and just be pretty bad throughout.
Texans 24-17
Pittsburgh @ Oakland
It's a rematch of the Immaculate Reception game, which of course makes me wonder how long it would take the replacement refs to review that play if it happened on Sunday. My guess is 47 minutes, which is also my guess for how many actual game clock minutes it will take the Raiders to score points in this contest.
Steelers 20-3
Sunday Night
New England @ Baltimore
Surprisingly, one of these teams will fall to 1-2 by the time this game is done. I mean, it's not that surprising since they're both 1-1 right now, but you get what I'm saying, right? I'll just assume you said yes; and if you said no, c'mon, stop being a dick. Speaking of being a dick, the Patriots are apparently freezing out Wes Welker. What did he ever do to them besides drop the pass that would have clinched the Super Bowl and then ask for a new contract the next season? It seems pretty petty to me, and I think it will only hurt this team as long as their dispute lingers on.
Ravens 26-23
Monday Night
Green Bay @ Seattle
It's official, the Seahawks are the best team in the NFL. Look, I'm not making this up. According to a stat called SRS, which rates a team's quality relative to average, with 0 being average, the Hawks rate a league best 27.7. Do I fully understand SRS? No. But I understand that it gets results, correct results. I was a bit worried about the Hawks' match-up with Green Bay, but SRS has never steered me wrong in the past. Another interesting tidbit I discovered this week is that the Seattle secondary refers to itself as the Legion of Boom. Well, I'm on board! And I'm willing to bet that after a few long runs by Marshawn, the DBs will be on the sideline saying, "Ohhhhhhhh what a rush!"
Seahawks 24-21
St. Louis @ Chicago
The Rams are 1-1. Not a big deal, you say? Well would you like to know the last time that St. Louis started 1-1? Me too. Somebody look that up. Anyway, this year's team seems to have actually turned things around, at least on the offensive side of the ball. The Rams' O has averaged 27 points over the first two weeks, a marked improvement over the 12.1 ppg that they put up in 2011. How marked? Totes marked. Of course, their defense has also allowed 27.5 ppg, so it's still a bit hard to take them seriously. Speaking of making it hard to take you seriously. I thought I'd seen pouting before, but last Thursday Jay Cutler reached new heights even for him, and those are unbelievable heights, we're talking Robert Wadlow style here. The deciding factor in this contest will most likely be the Bears defense, which actually played pretty well for most of the game against Green Bay, and playing pretty well is precisely the blueprint for beating St. Louis.
Bears 31-24
Buffalo @ Cleveland
It's a Rustbelt showdown! Fun fact that isn't true: these were the two most populous cities in the 1930 US Census. As a tribute to this, I feel like the game should be banned from TV and probably radio too. Ideally the only reports of this game would be provided by ticker tape. And you better bring a shitload of it, because this one could go alllllll night! Actually that could not happen due to the NFL rules. Come to think of it, a tie would be a fitting end for this throwback, but I know you folks don't come here for ties, this isn't the Men's Wearhouse. That being said, at the end of this game, if you're a Bills fan you're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it.
Bills 27-23
Tampa Bay @ Dallas
Both of these teams have played the Giants, so if we simply employ the transitive property based on their games against that mutual opponent it's clear that the Cowboys will win. Of course, it's common knowledge that Bucs' coach Greg Schiano's favorite saying is, "Fuck the transitive property." In fact, that's what he said to Tom Coughlin during their postgame altercation, which explains why Coughlin looked so confused; it had nothing to do with Tampa being over-zealous on the game's final snap. Speaking of which, it seems to me that the Bucs were simply playing the game all the way until the bitter end, a kind of never say die attitude that the Cowboys clearly don't have. And it's for that very reason that I'm picking Dallas. I admire a team that knows when to die.
Cowboys 23-18
New York Jets @ Miami
It's almost here. After a sub-par Week 2 performance from Mark Sanchez, Jets fans are most likely getting a little antsy. Now all it will take is Sanchez wilting in the Miami heat to set up a day of reckoning when the Jets return to New York in Week 3 to play San Francisco. Obviously Sanch will struggle mightily in the first half, leading the masses to chant His name. And then we will see Him rise again. And they will call Him Tebow, and He will be good. For this prophecy to come true it will require a second straight home win from the Dolphins. This might be asking too much, or maybe ... not enough? Yeah, that makes sense.
Dolphins 21-14
San Francisco @ Minnesota
A lot of people are saying that the 49ers are the best team in the NFL. Of course, those people aren't me. For starters I'm only one person, it would be impossible for me to be people. It's just logic folks. Is San Francisco the best team in the league? I'll hold my judgment until after the Super Bowl, I never jump to conclusions when declaring the league's best team. Is San Francisco good enough to beat the Vikings? If you're talking about the Christian Ponder led Vikings, then yes, they're good enough.
49ers 23-9
Kansas City @ New Orleans
This promises to be one of the more entertaining games during the morning due in large part to the fact that both teams' defenses have been so god-awful. They've each relinquished an average of 37.5 points per game, leading me to believe that this will be a high scoring affair, and on a broader scale just leading me to believe again. Look, I can't get too into it here but these abominable defenses have opened me up spiritually in ways I could never have imagined so soon after the accident. I'm sorry, I can't continue any further with this game, it's getting too deep.
Saints 41-28
Cincinnati @ Washington
With RG3 at the helm the Redskins offense has become nothing short of dynamic, while the Bengals defense has been everything short of dynamic. This looks like a recipe for a Washington scoring outburst. And this looks like a recipe for banana bread.
Redskins 35-25
Detroit @ Tennessee
The Titans have managed just 23 points so far this season. I'm not saying that Jake Locker shouldn't be their starting quarterback, but it's clear that the Gods are angered, or maybe just confused by the fact that Matthew Hasselbeck is on the sideline. It's just unnatural, though it does give him ample opportunity to wear a hat. It would appear that for the time being Tennessee will stick with Locker, at least until a giant spear descends from the heavens and pierces midfield. After that they'll probably figure it out.
Lions 30-17
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
After showing signs of life in Week 1, the Jaguars revealed their true selves in a 27-7 home loss to the Texans. And it's this kind of putrid consistency that will most likely relegate them to the Corner Screen at The Shack for a second week in this young season. Maybe they'll surprise us all and pull out a win, and congrats to them if they do. I'll have to take your word for it though, because I refuse to watch.
Colts 20-13
Sunday Afternoon
Philadelphia @ Arizona
It's a battle of unbeaten teams that could easily be a battle of winless teams. The Eagles and Cards have won their four games by a combined total of eight points. Michael Vick has already thrown six interceptions this season, meanwhile the Cardinals quarterback is Kevin Kolb. Hey speaking of Kolb, this is his chance to finally get revenge against Philadelphia, the team that traded him allowing him to sign a gigantic, unwarranted contract with Arizona. Man I can't wait to see what he's got in store for those bastards. Judging by both of these teams' games so far this figures to be a nail-biter, after which we still won't be sure if either team is good.
Cardinals 19-17
Atlanta @ San Diego
Both of these teams also come into this match-up undefeated, and while the Chargers have looked fairly tough to beat so far, the Falcons may have just the key to handing them their first loss: competent long-snapping. In fact, if there was a ticking time bomb that had to be disposed of, and for whatever reason the only viable option of disposing of that time bomb was bending over and flinging the time bomb between your legs, I wouldn't want anybody other than Josh Harris to do the job. And just to reiterate, that "job" is flinging a ticking time bomb through his legs while bent over. Unfortunately, while on a football field Harris's impact is limited, and with his team coming off a short week and a long plane flight I'll have to go with San Diego.
Chargers 27-24
Houston @ Denver
The Texans continue to stake their claim as the best team in the AFC. Of course, they've staked said claim on the withered corpses of the Jaguars and the Dolphins, who were being guided by a clearly petrified Ryan Tannehill in his first start. This figures to be Houston's first real test as they travel to Denver to take on Peyton Manning, who almost led his team to a stunning comeback victory last week. Of course, the reason they were trailing by so much is because of his atrocious first half. I think Manning will find a balance in this game and just be pretty bad throughout.
Texans 24-17
Pittsburgh @ Oakland
It's a rematch of the Immaculate Reception game, which of course makes me wonder how long it would take the replacement refs to review that play if it happened on Sunday. My guess is 47 minutes, which is also my guess for how many actual game clock minutes it will take the Raiders to score points in this contest.
Steelers 20-3
Sunday Night
New England @ Baltimore
Surprisingly, one of these teams will fall to 1-2 by the time this game is done. I mean, it's not that surprising since they're both 1-1 right now, but you get what I'm saying, right? I'll just assume you said yes; and if you said no, c'mon, stop being a dick. Speaking of being a dick, the Patriots are apparently freezing out Wes Welker. What did he ever do to them besides drop the pass that would have clinched the Super Bowl and then ask for a new contract the next season? It seems pretty petty to me, and I think it will only hurt this team as long as their dispute lingers on.
Ravens 26-23
Monday Night
Green Bay @ Seattle
It's official, the Seahawks are the best team in the NFL. Look, I'm not making this up. According to a stat called SRS, which rates a team's quality relative to average, with 0 being average, the Hawks rate a league best 27.7. Do I fully understand SRS? No. But I understand that it gets results, correct results. I was a bit worried about the Hawks' match-up with Green Bay, but SRS has never steered me wrong in the past. Another interesting tidbit I discovered this week is that the Seattle secondary refers to itself as the Legion of Boom. Well, I'm on board! And I'm willing to bet that after a few long runs by Marshawn, the DBs will be on the sideline saying, "Ohhhhhhhh what a rush!"
Seahawks 24-21
9.19.2012
NFL Picks Week 3 - Thursday
New York Giants @ Carolina
It dawned on me recently that for most of the 2012 season we'll only have to wait two days at any given time to see a live NFL game. While that's fantastic for jerks like me who make a living off of writing about football (entirely untrue) it's probably not so great for the people who actually have to play the football. To ask a team to play on three days rest might be asking too much, especially for the road team. Case in point, the home team is 10-2 in the last 12 Thursday games. Of course, this would point to a sure fire W for the Panthers. However, my recent history picking Giants games is spotty at best, shoddy at fair, and shatty at worst. I've picked 9 of their last 11 regular season games incorrectly. It's clear at this point that I should go against my initial inclination. Of course, by telling you this it basically allows me to say I picked both teams, so bully for me!
Giants 28-26
It dawned on me recently that for most of the 2012 season we'll only have to wait two days at any given time to see a live NFL game. While that's fantastic for jerks like me who make a living off of writing about football (entirely untrue) it's probably not so great for the people who actually have to play the football. To ask a team to play on three days rest might be asking too much, especially for the road team. Case in point, the home team is 10-2 in the last 12 Thursday games. Of course, this would point to a sure fire W for the Panthers. However, my recent history picking Giants games is spotty at best, shoddy at fair, and shatty at worst. I've picked 9 of their last 11 regular season games incorrectly. It's clear at this point that I should go against my initial inclination. Of course, by telling you this it basically allows me to say I picked both teams, so bully for me!
Giants 28-26
9.13.2012
NFL Picks - Week 2
Welcome back to the most unbiased set of picks on the internet.
Sunday Morning
Arizona @ New England
The Cardinals, what a bunch of assholes. I hate these jerks. Hopefully they lose. And what better team to make them lose than the Patriots. New England makes so many teams lose that they should change their name from the Patriots to the Lossmakers. Hmm, no, that would not be a good name.
Patriots 30-13
Kansas City @ Buffalo
Both of these teams laid an egg last week. Those eggs were then taken inside and used to make a terrible omelet, one that didn't even flip well; pretty pathetic. This week they'll each try to end up on the right side of the skillet. The Chiefs struggled mightily in pass defense against the Falcons, but that probably won't be an issue considering they're facing Ryan Fitzpatrick this week.
Chiefs 24-23
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
Sadly it appears that the Battle for Ohio may be relegated to the ol' Corner Screen at the Shack come Sunday. Brandon Weeden's four interception performance in Week 1 against the Eagles makes me think that maybe he should have waited until his 30s to turn pro. Unfortunately there's no going back now, so here we are, on a runaway freight train heading for a match-up between two red-headed QBs. Did I ever think we'd see this day? Yes, but I assumed it would be hundreds of years down the road when the human gene pool becomes so mixed that red is the only remaining hair color. Why would that be the case, you might ask? ..... I'll go with Cincinnati.
Bengals 23-16
Minnesota @ Indianapolis
Last week the Vikings became the first team in the history of the NFL to make a field goal in overtime and still have to play defense afterward. I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't realize or just didn't remember that the OT rule change had expanded to the regular season. And if I was confused I can't even imagine how perplexed Donovan McNabb was. He was especially miffed because he showed up to the MetroDome earlier in the day expecting to play only to be informed by the security guard that he was no longer a member of the Vikings. As for people actually playing in this game, it would appear that Adrian Peterson is fairly healthy after his 2 TD performance against the Jags, while Andrew Luck seemed steady, yet over-matched, in a loss to the Bears. I'm going to guess that Luck gets his first win in his home debut. And by home I mean Indianapolis, this game is not literally being played at Andrew Luck's house; that would be stupid.
Colts 23-20
New Orleans @ Carolina
It became glaringly clear last week that with no extra incentive the Saints just aren't motivated. Can you imagine how lame it would be to sack a guy for free when you used to get 10 Gs for it? It's just not fun. As for the Panthers, Cam Newton struggled in Tampa, but as we all know, Newton's Law says, "If at first you don't succeed, hang in there baby," and then there's a picture of a cat hanging from something. So if we follow that edict it would stand to reason that Cam will bounce back this week, but will he bounce back far enough? Or perhaps he'll bounce so far back that he ends up falling on his face. Tough to say ... but I have to say, that's my job. (ok, here ya go)
Saints 33-28
Houston @ Jacksonville
Great football minds across the nation were mystified last week when Blaine Gabbert managed to put together a competent game as an NFL quarterback. Many who watched the game theorized that they were actually watching their nephew play Madden on the 'Easy' setting. Those who heard the game on radio naturally assumed that it was Blaine Gabbert's birthday and they were actually listening to one of those fantasy tapes that people used to get as presents. But nay, twas actually a true contest of footballian proportions. Of course, Gabbert and the Jags lost and now they're matched up with what may be one of the best teams in the AFC. Jacksonville might give Houston a run in this one, but even some little jerk playing Madden wouldn't be able to get them the win here.
Texans 34-24
Oakland @ Miami
Do I have to? I would gladly pick against both of these teams this week, unfortunately they're playing each other, so here we are. Darren McFadden caught 13 passes last week, which would be great for a wide receiver, but for a running back it comes across as slightly troubling. If Carson Palmer manages to pass the ball further than 10 yards down field (to his own team) I think the Raiders will have a good chance. Oh, and Tannehll sucks.
Raiders 17-13
Tampa Bay @ New York Giants
The Giants' opening week loss would seem troubling if they hadn't lost their first game last season and then proceeded to win only two more games than they lost throughout the entirety of the regular season. In other words, the only time anybody should be worried about the Giants' chance of winning the Super Bowl is when they're mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. That being said they're probably screwed.
Buccaneers 22-20
Baltimore @ Philadelphia
Did anybody make a Michael Vick/Dog Pound joke last week when the Eagles visited Cleveland? If so I didn't hear about it. What a collectively missed opportunity by our nation as a whole. Of course, there's also the possibility that we've finally moved on. Either way it's a let down. Speaking of let downs, Michael Vick threw four interceptions last Sunday in a near loss to the Browns. It makes sense though, Vick's poor play was obviously a direct result of him being frightened by the Dog Pound! Now that that's out of the way we can take an in depth look at this week's game. I like Baltimore.
Ravens 26-17
Sunday Afternoon
Washington @ St. Louis
If you'll remember, in last week's post (and I recommend going over each one a few times to fully grasp them) I said I was close to picking the Rams in an upset. As it turns out, the Rams were close to picking themselves in an upset as well, but then the 4th quarter came and they got frightened because they had a lead and they weren't quite sure what to do. Meanwhile RG3 burst onto the scene in a Week 1 dismantling of the Saints. I can't wait to see what he's got planned for this Sunday. If I've learned anything from Hollywood it's that sequels are always bigger and better (I'd cite examples, but there's just too many).
Redskins 24-21
Dallas @ Seattle
In a confusing turn of events the Seahawks decided to continue sandbagging the rest of the league by losing in Week 1. That's cool, I guess, I mean I look like an asshole now, but I assume that there's a "bigger picture" mindset going on here, so one loss is no big deal. Now the Cowboys come to town for the first time since Romo - football + Babineaux = 21-20. Will Romo be traumatized by these events and immediately start convulsing and drooling like he ordered the fish for dinner the second he sets foot inside the CLink? Yes, absolutely. I don't see any scenario in which that wouldn't happen.
Seahawks 24-19
New York Jets @ Pittsburgh
I have to say, the Jets surprised me with their offensive explosion last week against the Bills. The most surprising, and disturbing, aspect of which was that Tim Tebow was not involved whatsoever. Why even sign Tebow if you're not going to use him? What a tease, just like Tebow himself. For women I mean ... Ohhhh shit. Hey, let's talk football! The Steelers were nice enough to lose to Peyton Manning in his return to the NFL but now it's time to get down to biz (or business as they say in Pittsburgh). This week I think the Jets come back to earth (pun very intended AGAIN).
Steelers 28-16
Tennessee @ San Diego
Last year Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding blew out his knee on the season's opening kickoff. This year in Week 1 he came back and nailed five field goals and shoved it right down all of our throats. Take that America! You won't have Nate Kaeding to push around anymore. Though, if you see Nate Kaeding in public odds are you could probably push him around if you wanted to, he's a very tiny man, wee even. This week San Diego has a chance to make a statement by beating Tennessee. I'm not sure exactly what that statement would be, but it would probably be something to the effect of, "Hooray, we're 2-0!"
Chargers 24-17
Sunday Night
Detroit @ San Francisco
Hey remember when these two coaches almost got in a fight over a handshake? What a couple of go-hards. The only time it's acceptable to almost get in a fight is if your honor has been besmirched or you're at a pro wrestling event. So who will prevail in the rematch between Jaw Sweatshirt and Turbo Redface? Cooler heads. See what I did there? Don't worry, you'll catch it on your second or third reading.
49ers 20-16
Monday Night
Denver @ Atlanta
Matt Ryan went off last week in a blowout win over Kansas City. Is this a signal that Matt Ryan has finally become an elite quarterback? Talk to me when you win a playoff game Matty Ice. Seriously, if you win a playoff game will you call me? That would be pretty exciting, and only the second time I've ever talked to someone after a playoff W (Steve Weatherford texted me a few times last January). As for Peyton Manning, he's back baby! And so is his back. It appears that Peyton is the same ol' gunslinger we remembered, and the good news for him is that guns are legal inside the Georgia Dome. The bad news for Manning and the Broncos is that I'm picking against them, and I went 10-6 last week, so they might as well just take a knee whenever they get the ball.
Falcons 30-24
Sunday Morning
Arizona @ New England
The Cardinals, what a bunch of assholes. I hate these jerks. Hopefully they lose. And what better team to make them lose than the Patriots. New England makes so many teams lose that they should change their name from the Patriots to the Lossmakers. Hmm, no, that would not be a good name.
Patriots 30-13
Kansas City @ Buffalo
Both of these teams laid an egg last week. Those eggs were then taken inside and used to make a terrible omelet, one that didn't even flip well; pretty pathetic. This week they'll each try to end up on the right side of the skillet. The Chiefs struggled mightily in pass defense against the Falcons, but that probably won't be an issue considering they're facing Ryan Fitzpatrick this week.
Chiefs 24-23
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
Sadly it appears that the Battle for Ohio may be relegated to the ol' Corner Screen at the Shack come Sunday. Brandon Weeden's four interception performance in Week 1 against the Eagles makes me think that maybe he should have waited until his 30s to turn pro. Unfortunately there's no going back now, so here we are, on a runaway freight train heading for a match-up between two red-headed QBs. Did I ever think we'd see this day? Yes, but I assumed it would be hundreds of years down the road when the human gene pool becomes so mixed that red is the only remaining hair color. Why would that be the case, you might ask? ..... I'll go with Cincinnati.
Bengals 23-16
Minnesota @ Indianapolis
Last week the Vikings became the first team in the history of the NFL to make a field goal in overtime and still have to play defense afterward. I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't realize or just didn't remember that the OT rule change had expanded to the regular season. And if I was confused I can't even imagine how perplexed Donovan McNabb was. He was especially miffed because he showed up to the MetroDome earlier in the day expecting to play only to be informed by the security guard that he was no longer a member of the Vikings. As for people actually playing in this game, it would appear that Adrian Peterson is fairly healthy after his 2 TD performance against the Jags, while Andrew Luck seemed steady, yet over-matched, in a loss to the Bears. I'm going to guess that Luck gets his first win in his home debut. And by home I mean Indianapolis, this game is not literally being played at Andrew Luck's house; that would be stupid.
Colts 23-20
New Orleans @ Carolina
It became glaringly clear last week that with no extra incentive the Saints just aren't motivated. Can you imagine how lame it would be to sack a guy for free when you used to get 10 Gs for it? It's just not fun. As for the Panthers, Cam Newton struggled in Tampa, but as we all know, Newton's Law says, "If at first you don't succeed, hang in there baby," and then there's a picture of a cat hanging from something. So if we follow that edict it would stand to reason that Cam will bounce back this week, but will he bounce back far enough? Or perhaps he'll bounce so far back that he ends up falling on his face. Tough to say ... but I have to say, that's my job. (ok, here ya go)
Saints 33-28
Houston @ Jacksonville
Great football minds across the nation were mystified last week when Blaine Gabbert managed to put together a competent game as an NFL quarterback. Many who watched the game theorized that they were actually watching their nephew play Madden on the 'Easy' setting. Those who heard the game on radio naturally assumed that it was Blaine Gabbert's birthday and they were actually listening to one of those fantasy tapes that people used to get as presents. But nay, twas actually a true contest of footballian proportions. Of course, Gabbert and the Jags lost and now they're matched up with what may be one of the best teams in the AFC. Jacksonville might give Houston a run in this one, but even some little jerk playing Madden wouldn't be able to get them the win here.
Texans 34-24
Oakland @ Miami
Do I have to? I would gladly pick against both of these teams this week, unfortunately they're playing each other, so here we are. Darren McFadden caught 13 passes last week, which would be great for a wide receiver, but for a running back it comes across as slightly troubling. If Carson Palmer manages to pass the ball further than 10 yards down field (to his own team) I think the Raiders will have a good chance. Oh, and Tannehll sucks.
Raiders 17-13
Tampa Bay @ New York Giants
The Giants' opening week loss would seem troubling if they hadn't lost their first game last season and then proceeded to win only two more games than they lost throughout the entirety of the regular season. In other words, the only time anybody should be worried about the Giants' chance of winning the Super Bowl is when they're mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. That being said they're probably screwed.
Buccaneers 22-20
Baltimore @ Philadelphia
Did anybody make a Michael Vick/Dog Pound joke last week when the Eagles visited Cleveland? If so I didn't hear about it. What a collectively missed opportunity by our nation as a whole. Of course, there's also the possibility that we've finally moved on. Either way it's a let down. Speaking of let downs, Michael Vick threw four interceptions last Sunday in a near loss to the Browns. It makes sense though, Vick's poor play was obviously a direct result of him being frightened by the Dog Pound! Now that that's out of the way we can take an in depth look at this week's game. I like Baltimore.
Ravens 26-17
Sunday Afternoon
Washington @ St. Louis
If you'll remember, in last week's post (and I recommend going over each one a few times to fully grasp them) I said I was close to picking the Rams in an upset. As it turns out, the Rams were close to picking themselves in an upset as well, but then the 4th quarter came and they got frightened because they had a lead and they weren't quite sure what to do. Meanwhile RG3 burst onto the scene in a Week 1 dismantling of the Saints. I can't wait to see what he's got planned for this Sunday. If I've learned anything from Hollywood it's that sequels are always bigger and better (I'd cite examples, but there's just too many).
Redskins 24-21
Dallas @ Seattle
In a confusing turn of events the Seahawks decided to continue sandbagging the rest of the league by losing in Week 1. That's cool, I guess, I mean I look like an asshole now, but I assume that there's a "bigger picture" mindset going on here, so one loss is no big deal. Now the Cowboys come to town for the first time since Romo - football + Babineaux = 21-20. Will Romo be traumatized by these events and immediately start convulsing and drooling like he ordered the fish for dinner the second he sets foot inside the CLink? Yes, absolutely. I don't see any scenario in which that wouldn't happen.
Seahawks 24-19
New York Jets @ Pittsburgh
I have to say, the Jets surprised me with their offensive explosion last week against the Bills. The most surprising, and disturbing, aspect of which was that Tim Tebow was not involved whatsoever. Why even sign Tebow if you're not going to use him? What a tease, just like Tebow himself. For women I mean ... Ohhhh shit. Hey, let's talk football! The Steelers were nice enough to lose to Peyton Manning in his return to the NFL but now it's time to get down to biz (or business as they say in Pittsburgh). This week I think the Jets come back to earth (pun very intended AGAIN).
Steelers 28-16
Tennessee @ San Diego
Last year Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding blew out his knee on the season's opening kickoff. This year in Week 1 he came back and nailed five field goals and shoved it right down all of our throats. Take that America! You won't have Nate Kaeding to push around anymore. Though, if you see Nate Kaeding in public odds are you could probably push him around if you wanted to, he's a very tiny man, wee even. This week San Diego has a chance to make a statement by beating Tennessee. I'm not sure exactly what that statement would be, but it would probably be something to the effect of, "Hooray, we're 2-0!"
Chargers 24-17
Sunday Night
Detroit @ San Francisco
Hey remember when these two coaches almost got in a fight over a handshake? What a couple of go-hards. The only time it's acceptable to almost get in a fight is if your honor has been besmirched or you're at a pro wrestling event. So who will prevail in the rematch between Jaw Sweatshirt and Turbo Redface? Cooler heads. See what I did there? Don't worry, you'll catch it on your second or third reading.
49ers 20-16
Monday Night
Denver @ Atlanta
Matt Ryan went off last week in a blowout win over Kansas City. Is this a signal that Matt Ryan has finally become an elite quarterback? Talk to me when you win a playoff game Matty Ice. Seriously, if you win a playoff game will you call me? That would be pretty exciting, and only the second time I've ever talked to someone after a playoff W (Steve Weatherford texted me a few times last January). As for Peyton Manning, he's back baby! And so is his back. It appears that Peyton is the same ol' gunslinger we remembered, and the good news for him is that guns are legal inside the Georgia Dome. The bad news for Manning and the Broncos is that I'm picking against them, and I went 10-6 last week, so they might as well just take a knee whenever they get the ball.
Falcons 30-24
9.12.2012
NFL Picks Week 2 - Thursday
Chicago @ Green Bay
It was an unusual Week 1 for both of these teams. The Packers hadn't lost an opener since 2006, before last week's home letdown against the 49ers. The Bears, on the other hand, hadn't had an opening week win since 2011! That's almost a full year without a Week 1 win! Now that they have the monkey off their back perhaps it's time for them to regain control of the NFC North. But you know what they say, "If perhaps and buts were candy and nuts it would make for an awful candy bar." I have a hard time believing that Aaron Rodgers and his crew will open the season with back to back home losses, so I'll go with Green Bay. And you know what that means everybody, say it with me, it's a ... Pack-Pick! Um, you guys didn't say it. Next time I try to create a catchphrase I'd appreciate your support.
Packers 30-27
It was an unusual Week 1 for both of these teams. The Packers hadn't lost an opener since 2006, before last week's home letdown against the 49ers. The Bears, on the other hand, hadn't had an opening week win since 2011! That's almost a full year without a Week 1 win! Now that they have the monkey off their back perhaps it's time for them to regain control of the NFC North. But you know what they say, "If perhaps and buts were candy and nuts it would make for an awful candy bar." I have a hard time believing that Aaron Rodgers and his crew will open the season with back to back home losses, so I'll go with Green Bay. And you know what that means everybody, say it with me, it's a ... Pack-Pick! Um, you guys didn't say it. Next time I try to create a catchphrase I'd appreciate your support.
Packers 30-27
9.06.2012
NFL Picks - Week 1
Sunday Morning
Indianapolis @ Chicago
First start of your career? Good luck Andrew! Well, there it is, the best joke I'll make all season. Just remember when you look back at my body of work over the next 5 months, you were warned. Word out of Chicago is that Jay Cutler has been smiling a lot more leading up to Week 1. That either means that he's lightened up a bit, or he's gone completely the other direction and he's now that scary, crazy type of angry. Either way I think it will make him a more productive quarterback.
Bears 24-13
Philadelphia @ Cleveland
Well it's that time of year again where the nation gathers round the hearth to listen to the ol' transistor and wait to hear news of Michael Vick's injury. Some of my fondest memories involve my family recounting all of their favorite Michael Vick injury stories. I think he'll last past Week 1, but after that, all bets are off, and that's a good thing since Nick Foles has a crippling gambling addiction, and the Eagles will need him focused once that Vick injury does occur.
Eagles 23-9
New England @ Tennessee
Jake Locker has officially been handed the reins to the Titans offense. Upon hearing that news he threw his hat high into the air. In fact, he threw it so high that it was impossible to catch on the way back down. But hey, Locker don't know no other way. Meanwhile the Patriots appear to be a football team capable of winning football games, and that's a good attribute to have in this league.
Patriots 27-23
Atlanta @ Kansas City
An intriguing match-up here. Of course, we've been without football for months so every single match-up could be considered intriguing. I shit my pants at a mascot/pee-wee halftime game last week, that's how pumped I am. Hey guys, remember that last sentence when I mentioned my pants-shitting? You're not gonna tell anybody about that are you? Please? Anyway, I think both of these teams will end up being competitive, which means this game will be competitively intriguing.
Falcons 23-20
Jacksonville @ Minnesota
Oh boy, this is not intriguing. Jacksonville seems bound for Awfulville (fun trivia fact: Awfulville is the hometown of 6 Cardinals quarterbacks past and present). Meanwhile, the only reason to watch Minnesota other than a possible awesome roof-caving, Adrian Peterson, may be sitting on the bench for this contest. I know one thing for sure, this game's getting the corner TV at The Shack (which I just decided will be a running gimmick each week this season).
Minnesota 16-14
Washington @ New Orleans
It's the premiere of RG3! Fair warning, if you haven't seen RG1 or RG2 you should probably go back and watch them, otherwise you'll be lost. Speaking of lost, the Saints have no coach and no interim coach, not to mention no incentive to sack the quarterback. I mean, why bother, right? While I don't expect a lot from New Orleans this season I just don't see a rookie quarterback getting a road win in his first game ..... well, not this one anyway.
Saints 31-20
Buffalo @ New York Jets
The Bills opened 2011 with a surprising 41-7 drubbing of the Chiefs in Kansas City. I foresee history repeating itself when Buffalo travels to New York (the city, not the state; if it were just the state the Bills would not have to travel at all to get to New York; check it out, it's a fact). As stated in my critically acclaimed season preview I think the Jets will crash and burn this season (pun absolutely intended). The long, painful trek to sub-mediocrity starts here for Rex and co..
Bills 28-10
St. Louis @ Detroit
I'm tempted to pick the Rams in a shocking upset here. But the temptation comes from that same twisted part of my brain that causes me to play chicken in my car on the third Friday of every month down at the Point. It's like, sure I win every time, but I always wake up the next morning feeling terrible about my opponent who swerved at the last second and inevitably veered off the cliff. So, it's with a clean conscience that I predict that Detroit will win this game.
Lions 31-13
Miami @ Houston
Plenty of interesting anecdotes came out of the Dolphins' appearance on Hard Knocks this Summer. While Ryan Tannehill thinking that the Kansas City Chiefs are in the NFC East is fairly hilarious, I think the more outrageous quote was Reggie Bush saying that one of his goals for this season is to get at least 4 yards every time he touched the ball. It's possible that he meant that he wanted to average that per carry, but it's much better for the purposes of this blog to assume that he meant he literally wants to get at least 4 yards on every single touch. My bet? That goal will go unfulfilled starting with his first touch. Prove me wrong Reginald, but be warned, 95% of what I predict comes true.
Texans 26-14
Sunday Afternoon
San Francisco @ Green Bay
There are a lot of folks out there who see this match-up as a possible NFC Championship preview. However, most of those aforementioned folks look like this:
So take that for what it's worth. Of course, the 49ers made huge strides last season under first year coach Jaw Sweatshirt, but it's most likely time for them to fall back to earth. And who lives on earth? Aaron Rodgers.
Packers 24-14
Seattle @ Arizona
Welcome everyone to RussellMania! As if we all weren't excited enough for this Hawks season Pete Carroll has decided to start the most dynamic quarterback that has ever played football at NC State and Wisconsin (a claim that I will take to the grave with me!). How could anyone not be excited? For both of these teams the 2012 season begins in the same place that the 2011 season ended. In that contest the Cards won in OT in what can only be explained as a long con by the Hawks. That clever rope-a-dope has undoubtedly lured Arizona into a false sense of security that will be torn asunder within minutes of the opening kick-off. In the words of PC, I'm so friggin jacked up right now!
Seahawks 27-10
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
The big question on every Panthers fan's mind is can Cam Newton recreate his 2011 performance in his 2nd year as a pro. I tend to think not. Fact: no player in the history of the NFL has had those exact stats in any season before, so why should we expect Newton to duplicate them? He should still be an exciting player though. The Bucs are currently on a 10 game losing streak, and what better time to break it than in front of a sold o ...What's that? The Tampa fans didn't sell this game out? Ya know what, maybe this is a sign to the Tampa players that they need to start performing better; it could also be a sign that the Tampa fans suck. Either way I think the Bucs step up and get the win in their opener.
Buccaneers 20-17
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Denver
It's a playoff rematch, this time without Tebow. This is just like Teen Wolf Too. I mean sure Jason Bateman (Manning) is a good guy, but he doesn't have the charm and the magic of Michael J. Fox (Tebow). Be that as it may, Bateman did have better form in his athletic scenes so I can see why the move was made. The loss of Hines Ward will really be a hindrance for the Steelers who will be sorely lacking in the cheap plays and holding departments without him, which could ultimately cost them this game.
Broncos 21-16
Monday Night
Cincinnati @ Baltimore
Is the Ravens defense finally too old to compete? I have an inside source with knowledge of the situation who says no. Apparently the music has been turned way up in the Baltimore locker room this preseason, and as we all know if it's too loud, you're too old. Clearly it's not loud enough for these Ravens, which means they still have some years left.
Ravens 20-10
San Diego @ Oakland
It's the perfect storm. ESPN's annual scheduling of a lackluster AFC West match-up to fulfill their opening week Monday night closer has combined with a shortage of football play-by-play announcers to result in Chris Berman spending three and half hours doing this. May God have mercy on our souls.
Raiders 17-14
Indianapolis @ Chicago
First start of your career? Good luck Andrew! Well, there it is, the best joke I'll make all season. Just remember when you look back at my body of work over the next 5 months, you were warned. Word out of Chicago is that Jay Cutler has been smiling a lot more leading up to Week 1. That either means that he's lightened up a bit, or he's gone completely the other direction and he's now that scary, crazy type of angry. Either way I think it will make him a more productive quarterback.
Bears 24-13
Philadelphia @ Cleveland
Well it's that time of year again where the nation gathers round the hearth to listen to the ol' transistor and wait to hear news of Michael Vick's injury. Some of my fondest memories involve my family recounting all of their favorite Michael Vick injury stories. I think he'll last past Week 1, but after that, all bets are off, and that's a good thing since Nick Foles has a crippling gambling addiction, and the Eagles will need him focused once that Vick injury does occur.
Eagles 23-9
New England @ Tennessee
Jake Locker has officially been handed the reins to the Titans offense. Upon hearing that news he threw his hat high into the air. In fact, he threw it so high that it was impossible to catch on the way back down. But hey, Locker don't know no other way. Meanwhile the Patriots appear to be a football team capable of winning football games, and that's a good attribute to have in this league.
Patriots 27-23
Atlanta @ Kansas City
An intriguing match-up here. Of course, we've been without football for months so every single match-up could be considered intriguing. I shit my pants at a mascot/pee-wee halftime game last week, that's how pumped I am. Hey guys, remember that last sentence when I mentioned my pants-shitting? You're not gonna tell anybody about that are you? Please? Anyway, I think both of these teams will end up being competitive, which means this game will be competitively intriguing.
Falcons 23-20
Jacksonville @ Minnesota
Oh boy, this is not intriguing. Jacksonville seems bound for Awfulville (fun trivia fact: Awfulville is the hometown of 6 Cardinals quarterbacks past and present). Meanwhile, the only reason to watch Minnesota other than a possible awesome roof-caving, Adrian Peterson, may be sitting on the bench for this contest. I know one thing for sure, this game's getting the corner TV at The Shack (which I just decided will be a running gimmick each week this season).
Minnesota 16-14
Washington @ New Orleans
It's the premiere of RG3! Fair warning, if you haven't seen RG1 or RG2 you should probably go back and watch them, otherwise you'll be lost. Speaking of lost, the Saints have no coach and no interim coach, not to mention no incentive to sack the quarterback. I mean, why bother, right? While I don't expect a lot from New Orleans this season I just don't see a rookie quarterback getting a road win in his first game ..... well, not this one anyway.
Saints 31-20
Buffalo @ New York Jets
The Bills opened 2011 with a surprising 41-7 drubbing of the Chiefs in Kansas City. I foresee history repeating itself when Buffalo travels to New York (the city, not the state; if it were just the state the Bills would not have to travel at all to get to New York; check it out, it's a fact). As stated in my critically acclaimed season preview I think the Jets will crash and burn this season (pun absolutely intended). The long, painful trek to sub-mediocrity starts here for Rex and co..
Bills 28-10
St. Louis @ Detroit
I'm tempted to pick the Rams in a shocking upset here. But the temptation comes from that same twisted part of my brain that causes me to play chicken in my car on the third Friday of every month down at the Point. It's like, sure I win every time, but I always wake up the next morning feeling terrible about my opponent who swerved at the last second and inevitably veered off the cliff. So, it's with a clean conscience that I predict that Detroit will win this game.
Lions 31-13
Miami @ Houston
Plenty of interesting anecdotes came out of the Dolphins' appearance on Hard Knocks this Summer. While Ryan Tannehill thinking that the Kansas City Chiefs are in the NFC East is fairly hilarious, I think the more outrageous quote was Reggie Bush saying that one of his goals for this season is to get at least 4 yards every time he touched the ball. It's possible that he meant that he wanted to average that per carry, but it's much better for the purposes of this blog to assume that he meant he literally wants to get at least 4 yards on every single touch. My bet? That goal will go unfulfilled starting with his first touch. Prove me wrong Reginald, but be warned, 95% of what I predict comes true.
Texans 26-14
Sunday Afternoon
San Francisco @ Green Bay
There are a lot of folks out there who see this match-up as a possible NFC Championship preview. However, most of those aforementioned folks look like this:
So take that for what it's worth. Of course, the 49ers made huge strides last season under first year coach Jaw Sweatshirt, but it's most likely time for them to fall back to earth. And who lives on earth? Aaron Rodgers.
Packers 24-14
Seattle @ Arizona
Welcome everyone to RussellMania! As if we all weren't excited enough for this Hawks season Pete Carroll has decided to start the most dynamic quarterback that has ever played football at NC State and Wisconsin (a claim that I will take to the grave with me!). How could anyone not be excited? For both of these teams the 2012 season begins in the same place that the 2011 season ended. In that contest the Cards won in OT in what can only be explained as a long con by the Hawks. That clever rope-a-dope has undoubtedly lured Arizona into a false sense of security that will be torn asunder within minutes of the opening kick-off. In the words of PC, I'm so friggin jacked up right now!
Seahawks 27-10
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
The big question on every Panthers fan's mind is can Cam Newton recreate his 2011 performance in his 2nd year as a pro. I tend to think not. Fact: no player in the history of the NFL has had those exact stats in any season before, so why should we expect Newton to duplicate them? He should still be an exciting player though. The Bucs are currently on a 10 game losing streak, and what better time to break it than in front of a sold o ...What's that? The Tampa fans didn't sell this game out? Ya know what, maybe this is a sign to the Tampa players that they need to start performing better; it could also be a sign that the Tampa fans suck. Either way I think the Bucs step up and get the win in their opener.
Buccaneers 20-17
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Denver
It's a playoff rematch, this time without Tebow. This is just like Teen Wolf Too. I mean sure Jason Bateman (Manning) is a good guy, but he doesn't have the charm and the magic of Michael J. Fox (Tebow). Be that as it may, Bateman did have better form in his athletic scenes so I can see why the move was made. The loss of Hines Ward will really be a hindrance for the Steelers who will be sorely lacking in the cheap plays and holding departments without him, which could ultimately cost them this game.
Broncos 21-16
Monday Night
Cincinnati @ Baltimore
Is the Ravens defense finally too old to compete? I have an inside source with knowledge of the situation who says no. Apparently the music has been turned way up in the Baltimore locker room this preseason, and as we all know if it's too loud, you're too old. Clearly it's not loud enough for these Ravens, which means they still have some years left.
Ravens 20-10
San Diego @ Oakland
It's the perfect storm. ESPN's annual scheduling of a lackluster AFC West match-up to fulfill their opening week Monday night closer has combined with a shortage of football play-by-play announcers to result in Chris Berman spending three and half hours doing this. May God have mercy on our souls.
Raiders 17-14
9.04.2012
NFL Picks Week 1 - Wednesday
Wednesday? Eff yeah Wednesday. For the first time in the history of the NFL a game is being played on a Wednesday. If that seems hard to believe, that's because it might not be true, I did not do the necessary research. And on that note we're off and running with the 2012 season! It's been 213 days since Eli Manning hoisted the Lombardi trophy ... actually, that's not true, he hoisted it 146 days ago at a promotional photoshoot, then 87 days ago at a Giants team function, and finally just last week at the 44th Annual Worldwide Trophy-Hoisting Contest where he placed 4th. But back to my original point, quite some time has passed since the last pro football game that mattered (aside from every moment Russell Wilson has been on the field this preseason).
A defending Super Bowl champion hasn't lost an opening game since 1999. Will this be the year that that streak is broken? Absolutely not! Ok, maybe that was a little forceful, in retrospect I probably wouldn't have used the exclamation point, but there's no going back now! The Giants should take care of business, but I've learned that when it comes to the NFL don't expect what you thought you once would have expected.
Giants 27-20
A defending Super Bowl champion hasn't lost an opening game since 1999. Will this be the year that that streak is broken? Absolutely not! Ok, maybe that was a little forceful, in retrospect I probably wouldn't have used the exclamation point, but there's no going back now! The Giants should take care of business, but I've learned that when it comes to the NFL don't expect what you thought you once would have expected.
Giants 27-20
9.03.2012
And we'll see ya later Logman!!!!
Down goes Delgo!!! Down goes Delgo!!!
http://insidemovies.ew.com/2012/09/02/oogieloves-big-balloon-adventure-worst-box-office-debut-flop/
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
http://insidemovies.ew.com/2012/09/02/oogieloves-big-balloon-adventure-worst-box-office-debut-flop/
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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