Welcome back to the most unbiased set of picks on the internet.
Arizona @ New England
The Cardinals, what a bunch of assholes. I hate these jerks. Hopefully
they lose. And what better team to make them lose than the Patriots. New
England makes so many teams lose that they should change their name
Patriots to the Lossmakers. Hmm, no, that would not be a good name.
Kansas City @ Buffalo
Both of these teams laid an egg
last week. Those eggs were then taken inside and used to make a terrible
omelet, one that didn't even flip well; pretty pathetic. This week
they'll each try to end up on the right side of the skillet. The Chiefs
struggled mightily in pass defense against the Falcons, but that
probably won't be an issue considering they're facing Ryan Fitzpatrick
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
Sadly it appears that the
Battle for Ohio may be relegated to the ol' Corner Screen at the Shack
come Sunday. Brandon Weeden's four interception performance in Week 1
against the Eagles makes me think that maybe he should have waited until
his 30s to turn pro. Unfortunately there's no going back now, so here
we are, on a runaway freight train heading for a match-up between two
red-headed QBs. Did I ever think we'd see this day? Yes, but I assumed
it would be hundreds of years down the road when the human gene pool
becomes so mixed that red is the only remaining hair color. Why would
that be the case, you might ask? ..... I'll go with Cincinnati.
Minnesota @ Indianapolis
Last week the Vikings became the first team in the history of the NFL to
make a field goal in overtime and still have to play defense afterward.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't realize or just didn't remember
that the OT rule change had expanded to the regular season. And if I was
confused I can't even imagine how perplexed Donovan McNabb was. He was
especially miffed because he showed up to the MetroDome earlier in the
day expecting to play only to be informed by the security guard that he
was no longer a member of the Vikings. As for people actually playing in
this game, it would appear that Adrian Peterson is fairly healthy after
his 2 TD performance against the Jags, while Andrew Luck seemed steady,
yet over-matched, in a loss to the Bears. I'm going to guess that Luck
gets his first win in his home debut. And by home I mean Indianapolis,
this game is not literally being played at Andrew Luck's house; that
would be stupid.
New Orleans @ Carolina
It became glaringly clear last week that with no extra incentive the
Saints just aren't motivated. Can you imagine how lame it would be to
sack a guy for free when you used to get 10 Gs for it? It's just not
fun. As for the Panthers, Cam Newton struggled in Tampa, but as we all
know, Newton's Law says, "If at first you don't succeed, hang in there
baby," and then there's a picture of a cat hanging from something. So if
we follow that edict it would stand to reason that Cam will bounce back
this week, but will he bounce back far enough? Or perhaps he'll bounce
so far back that he ends up falling on his face. Tough to say ... but I
have to say, that's my job. (ok, here ya go)
Houston @ Jacksonville
Great football minds across the
nation were mystified last week when Blaine Gabbert managed to put
together a competent game as an NFL quarterback. Many who watched the
game theorized that they were actually watching their nephew play Madden
on the 'Easy' setting. Those who heard the game on radio naturally
assumed that it was Blaine Gabbert's birthday and they were actually
listening to one of those fantasy tapes that people used to get as
presents. But nay, twas actually a true contest of footballian
proportions. Of course, Gabbert and the Jags lost and now they're
matched up with what may be one of the best teams in the AFC.
Jacksonville might give Houston a run in this one, but even some little
jerk playing Madden wouldn't be able to get them the win here.
Oakland @ Miami
Do I have to? I would gladly pick against both of these teams this week,
unfortunately they're playing each other, so here we are. Darren
McFadden caught 13 passes last week, which would be great for a wide
receiver, but for a running back it comes across as slightly troubling.
If Carson Palmer manages to pass the ball further than 10 yards down
field (to his own team) I think the Raiders will have a good chance. Oh, and Tannehll sucks.
Tampa Bay @ New York Giants
The Giants' opening week loss would seem troubling if they hadn't lost
their first game last season and then proceeded to win only two more
games than they lost throughout the entirety of the regular season. In
other words, the only time anybody should be worried about the Giants'
chance of winning the Super Bowl is when they're mathematically
eliminated from the playoffs. That being said they're probably screwed.
Baltimore @ Philadelphia
Did anybody make a Michael Vick/Dog Pound joke last week when the Eagles
visited Cleveland? If so I didn't hear about it. What a collectively
missed opportunity by our nation as a whole. Of course, there's also the
possibility that we've finally moved on. Either way it's a let down.
Speaking of let downs, Michael Vick threw four interceptions last Sunday
in a near loss to the Browns. It makes sense though, Vick's poor play
was obviously a direct result of him being frightened by the Dog Pound!
Now that that's out of the way we can take an in depth look at this
week's game. I like Baltimore.
Washington @ St. Louis
If you'll remember, in last week's post (and I recommend going over each
one a few times to fully grasp them) I said I was close to picking the
Rams in an upset. As it turns out, the Rams were close to picking
themselves in an upset as well, but then the 4th quarter came and they
got frightened because they had a lead and they weren't quite sure what
to do. Meanwhile RG3 burst onto the scene in a Week 1 dismantling of the
Saints. I can't wait to see what he's got planned for this Sunday. If
I've learned anything from Hollywood it's that sequels are always bigger
and better (I'd cite examples, but there's just too many).
Dallas @ Seattle
In a confusing turn of events the Seahawks decided to continue
sandbagging the rest of the league by losing in Week 1. That's cool, I
guess, I mean I look like an asshole now, but I assume that there's a
"bigger picture" mindset going on here, so one loss is no big deal. Now
the Cowboys come to town for the first time since Romo - football +
Babineaux = 21-20. Will Romo be traumatized by these events and
immediately start convulsing and drooling like he ordered the fish for dinner the second he sets foot inside the CLink? Yes, absolutely.
I don't see any scenario in which that wouldn't happen.
New York Jets @ Pittsburgh
I have to say, the Jets surprised me with their offensive explosion last
week against the Bills. The most surprising, and disturbing, aspect of
which was that Tim Tebow was not involved whatsoever. Why even sign
Tebow if you're not going to use him? What a tease, just like Tebow
himself. For women I mean ... Ohhhh shit. Hey, let's talk football! The
Steelers were nice enough to lose to Peyton Manning in his return to the
NFL but now it's time to get down to biz (or business as they say in
Pittsburgh). This week I think the Jets come back to earth (pun very
Tennessee @ San Diego
Last year Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding blew out his knee on the season's
opening kickoff. This year in Week 1 he came back and nailed five field
goals and shoved it right down all of our throats. Take that America!
You won't have Nate Kaeding to push around anymore. Though, if you see
Nate Kaeding in public odds are you could probably push him around if
you wanted to, he's a very tiny man, wee even. This week San Diego has a
chance to make a statement by beating Tennessee. I'm not sure exactly
what that statement would be, but it would probably be something to the
effect of, "Hooray, we're 2-0!"
Detroit @ San Francisco
Hey remember when these two coaches almost got in a fight over a
handshake? What a couple of go-hards. The only time it's acceptable to
almost get in a fight is if your honor has been besmirched or you're at a
pro wrestling event. So who will prevail in the rematch between Jaw
Sweatshirt and Turbo Redface? Cooler heads. See what I did there? Don't
worry, you'll catch it on your second or third reading.
Denver @ Atlanta
Matt Ryan went off last week in a blowout win over Kansas City. Is this a
signal that Matt Ryan has finally become an elite quarterback? Talk to
me when you win a playoff game Matty Ice. Seriously, if you win a
playoff game will you call me? That would be pretty exciting, and only
the second time I've ever talked to someone after a playoff W (Steve
Weatherford texted me a few times last January). As for Peyton Manning,
he's back baby! And so is his back. It appears that Peyton is the same
ol' gunslinger we remembered, and the good news for him is that guns are
legal inside the Georgia Dome. The bad news for Manning and the Broncos
is that I'm picking against them, and I went 10-6 last week, so they
might as well just take a knee whenever they get the ball.