NFL Picks Week 8
Washington @ Detroit
I was forced to start Donovan McNabb in a fantasy league last week. I knew it was a mistake, I just didn't have a choice. It was like drinking a warm Pabst Genuine Draft because all the stores are closed and you can't buy anymore beer (feel free to swap out PGD for your disgusting beer of choice ... or PineSol). So yeah, Donovan McNabb is like gross, warm beer; alright, the post is off to a good start this week.
Jacksonville @ Dallas
If either of these teams were playing anyone else I would pick the other team. As I've said time and again Jacksonville is lousy. As for Dallas, Jon Kitna's display on Monday Night almost overshadowed Max Hall's. Of course, that's like saying that that trash almost tasted worse than that barf; bottom line, you don't want to eat either. If the Cowboys hadn't fully checked out by last week, they certainly have now.
Miami @ Cincinnati
There's no doubt in my mind that Miami will win this game, all the signs are pointing to it. The Dolphins are now 3-0 on the road and 0-3 at home, and while Cincinnati may be the most exciting place they've played so far I think they'll have no problem taking care of the Bengals.
Buffalo @ Kansas City
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Ryan Fitzpatrick will throw for over 300 yards in this game. Just kidding, there's nothing wacky about that, homeboy is slangin' it something fierce. My real Wacky Pick is that these two teams combine for over 90 points. Don't think it can happen? Well that's why it's wacky asshole.
Carolina @ St. Louis
If you would have told me before the season that this game would be for the best record in the NFC I would have told you that you were crazy; and it turns out I would have been right, neither of these teams are even above .500. Be that as it may St. Louis has been pretty good at home and Carolina has been pretty bad against all teams not coached by Mike Singletary.
Denver @ San Francisco
Sorry London! I love it when they show the fans during these England games and a lot of them have actually bought the teams' jerseys. I have to think that this is going to account for about 50% of Kyle Orton jersey sales this season. I really can't think of a worse match-up for the English to be subjected to. The Broncos' season is in a downward spiral after giving up 59 points at home to the Raiders, and then there's the 49ers ...
Green Bay @ New York Jets
Both of these teams are coming off wins against their former mate Brett Favre, which makes me think they're kind of followers. Everybody's beating Brett Favre these days, including Brett's own right hand (Oooh, am I talking about him throwing picks or masturbating?). Enough is enough, I'm personally not going to make fun of Favre anymore, and I think it's time for these teams to branch out on their own as well. Although, It'll be pretty tough because these lame-o's all do what their coaches tell them to. The Packers are still banged up so I'll go with the fatter coach's team.
Minnesota @ New England
Favre sure does like to limp. Look, I'm not saying he's playing up the injury just because he realizes he made a mistake coming back and now he wants out ... ok, maybe that is what I'm saying. And if the injury isn't going to do the trick than maybe his play will. That interception he threw in the 3rd quarter was one of the sadder things I've ever seen (This is the saddest) I didn't know whether to laugh really hard, or just laugh normally. Anyway, Favre says he's going to "give it a try" this weekend, but at this point that probably makes it even more likely that they'll lose.
Tennessee @ San Diego
The Chargers almost completed a great comeback last week, unfortunately it came down to big field goal and it was San Diego, so they fell short. When he was lining it up I said to Mustacheer Andy, "It's a big kick and it's Kaeding, he'll miss." Turns out Kaeding was hurt and it was actually Kris Brown, but I guess just being a Chargers kicker is enough to make anyone botch important field goals. It's kind of like Mariners left-fielders in the 90s, it doesn't matter who you throw in there, it's just not going to work out. So I'm going with San Diego.
Tampa Bay @ Arizona
Raheem Morris thinks the Bucs are the best team in the NFC. I'm not joking he actually said this. Granted the NFC doesn't look too great this year, but come on. Their wins are against the Browns, Panthers, Bengals and Rams. The only team they beat by more than 3 is the Panthers. Their losses are against the Steelers and Saints, and they dropped each of those games by 25 points. It's clear that the Bucs can be a competitive team, when they're not playing anybody good. Honestly, Morris' statement is so ludicrous that it actually bumped all the great Max Hall material I had for this game. Ok, I'll fit in one: It looks like Alex Smith's got some competition for the NFC West's Most Incompetent Miniature-Handed Quarterback.
Seattle @ Oakland
Last Sunday's Hawks game was quite the tease. Every time they got into the red zone they would get stopped before scoring big, I wouldn't be surprised if they practiced with blue balls this week. But hey, a win is a win, if it's by 12 or 45, which means the Raiders got nothing on us.
Pittsburgh @ New Orleans
Nice to see that the Steelers are still dirty rotten cheaters after another blown call goes their way. Finn already made the jokes about Big Ben and "getting it in" so clearly another Roethlisberger rapist joke would be in poor taste, plus I can't think of another good one right now. As for New Orleans, I'm not sure what to make of their horrible home loss to Cleveland. I mean I haven't seen Browns explode like that since I got food poisoning from Del Taco a couple years back. Maybe Bush really was the X-factor that made them go, I know that's true for Roethlisberger (Yes! Just in time.)
Houston @ Indianapolis
Both teams are coming off a bye week. This got me wondering, what do you think Peyton Manning does on his bye week? I'll bet he just goes out back and throws footballs against the house really hard from like 10 feet away. It's that type of dedication that allows him to prevail in tough games such as this one.
IN THE NFC MUTHA TRUCKAS!!!!
Bring that shit to Qwest!!!!
WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!
Big Ben is a douche.
Week 7 Picks
Cincinnati @ Atlanta
I've been paying close attention to Matt Ryan for the last few years because he's on my fantasy team. One thing I've noticed is that he's not that good. He's decent, but certainly not good enough to have a nickname like Matty Ice. At this point I think it's just as likely that he likes to drink a lot and Matty Ice sounds like Natty Ice. As un-spectacular as he is, Carson Palmer and the Bengals are even less impressive.
Washington @ Chicago
Has anyone noticed Cutler doing this straight drop on all his passes? He gets the ball from center and just backpedals like it's the 1950s. Has he always done this? Forget any O-line problems, this is the reason Cutler's been getting sacked so much. Cutler must really like being annoying, that's the only way to explain him.
Philadelphia @ Tennessee
So every time one of the Eagles QBs gets hurt the other one comes in and plays awesome. According to this pattern, if 3rd-stringer Mike Kafka has to go in he'd probably play the greatest game we've ever seen. What a transformation that would be. (Well there it is, the most high-brow joke I'll ever make.) Anyway, that most likely won't happen so I'll go with the Titans.
Jacksonville @ Kansas City
I'm not sure I've ever seen a worse 3-3 team than Jacksonville. Are we sure that their win over Indy even happened? I didn't see it. More over, I called down to Jacksonville and didn't get in touch with one person who actually attended the game. This all seemed pretty strange until I remembered that nobody in Jacksonville ever goes to Jaguars games. So I guess my conspiracy theory falls flat right there, but that doesn't take away from the fact that the Jaguars suck.
Pittsburgh @ Miami
It turns out I should have trusted my theory about the Dolphins on the road. Now that they're back at home this is a clear loss. The only thing that makes me think twice about this pick is that Big Ben is back in the South which could be a recipe for disaster.
Cleveland @ New Orleans
Surprisingly Colt McCoy has lived to see another start. This is pretty impressive for a man that's never completed a pass more than 9 yards down field. (Think I'm joking? Look it up ..... Shit, you did? Well the fact that you even had to check proves that it was somewhat believable.) The Saints finally strung together a good game last week. Yes, it was against the Bucs, and it's tough to tell if they're any good but guess what? They get the Browns this week, so it doesn't matter.
St. Louis @ Tampa Bay
These teams have already surpassed or matched their win totals from last year, however, this one will probably still be a Stinger. I guess I can understand the Tampa fans' thought process. It would be like if someone told me that the new M. Night Shaymalan movie wasn't that bad, in the end I'm probably not going to believe them and I'm definitely not going to see the movie. In a related note I predict that Sam Bradford's season is brought to an end with a TWISTed knee.
San Francisco @ Carolina
Blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! Excuse me, I just barfed when I saw this match-up (and yes, I managed to type out mid-barf the exact sound that I was making). Here's another instance of a Stinger where you can't really blame the home fans. In fact, withholding this game from local TV markets is more a reward than a threat. But hey, somebody's gotta win right? And guess what, the Clausen Alert is no longer in effect, we can shut off the alarm. This is legitimately the only reason I'm going to pick the Panthers.
Buffalo @ Baltimore
If you're in a suicide pool and you can still take Baltimore you should do it here. And if you're a Buffalo fan, odds are you're considering committing suicide in a pool. My advice? First off, relax, it's only football. Besides, you guys have been through worse, like when you lost 4 straight Super Bowls. Remember that? Also, there probably aren't a lot of pools in Buffalo, and any that are there are most likely drained or frozen this time of year.
Arizona @ Seattle
A clash for the top spot in the NFC West. That whoosh of air you just felt was the nation holding its collective breath. As a Hawks fan I like the idea of Max Hall coming to Qwest Field for his 2nd ever start. We all know rookie QBs never come in to Qwest and get Ws .... Ok sometimes it happens, but Max Hall is no Josh Freeman!
Oakland @ Denver
Ask me which game I have absolutely no interest in watching this week. Go ahead ask me ... Well this is weird, I can't really tell if you've asked. You see, I'm typing this before you're actually going to read it and ... ok this is the game I have absolutely no interest in watching. Oakland's offense was totally awful last week against the Niners, and the Broncos are just mediocre, not funny-to-watch bad.
New England @ San Diego
Alright Chargers, you're so much worse on the road it's not even funny anymore. Hold it, they've got Philip Rivers so it's still funny. However, San Diego has been dominant at home. If Antonio Gates plays I think they'll win
Minnesota @ Green Bay
It's pretty amazing that in a week when Brett Favre threw no interceptions, everyone's still talking about his pics ... ZING!!! If I were Favre I would have said the following at my press conference, "Well, I am the all-time leader in picks, what's a few more," winked and then walked out to uproarious laughter. Unfortunately I don't control Favre, so this didn't actually happen. Although, it has given me a great idea for a Grand Theft Auto-esque football game where you get to control what the player does off the field as well. Sending dick pics would account for most of the gameplay. I'm not sure I like either of these teams, but I think the Vikings get it up Favre-style for this one.
New York Giants @ Dallas
A lot of so called experts said that Dallas's season was over after their loss to the Vikings last week. Oh really? Well than why are they playing this week? I guess those "experts" aren't as smart as you thought. In all seriousness I wouldn't be surprised if the Cowboys just rolled over and died at this point, they don't seem like the most stable bunch.
Mustacheer Post of the week...
Updated Loser List
I screwed up on afew so here's an updated list...
17. San Fransisco - They won a game. They're good.
16. Charlotte/Carolina - combine the two and they're up there.
15. Winnipeg - I guess the team was stolen. They did win when they had them though.
9. Salt Lake City
4. San Diego
Eric Wedge: Seattle Mariners Savior
We at henrycottosmustache.com support this decision for obvious reasons.
Thank you in advance Mr. Wedge for the multiple World Series titles you bring to this fine city of Seattle. You're the best!
The Worst City in Sports
I haven't looked at the last one I did of these, so maybe this will be a total retread, but I thought I'd examine it once again. Who's got it the worst? Cities (or small areas around that city). I've got the Top 5, (with one that sort of surprised me), a couple of cities that have it rough overall but got a few championships sprinkled in, and then the 1 town teams that can't win shit.
Why'd I do this? I guess I just feel like a loser. Don't expect a lot of humor below, but I think it's always discussion worthy. If we can't be the best, I want to be known as the absolute worst. We're almost there Seattle!
Here we go...
One team towns that can't catch a break:
16. Ottowa - This is a town in Canada. They have a hockey team that, according to my research, sucks.
15. Vancouver - They'd be higher on the list if it were kick ass towns that kick a lot of ass, but that's a different list. Along with Ottowa, they lose point for being a NHL only town.
14. Charlotte - One NBA team (NBA teams in general took a hit on the list, because the NBA blows), not a long history. Not much suffering.
13. Orlando - A good team from what I hear, but still haven't won.
12. Sacramento - good fans.
11. Salt Lake City - Strong runs of competitiveness, but nothing to show for it.
10. Portland - A great town, with great titty bars. They can't feel too bad about themselves.
9. Jacksonville - They only made it this high because they're in one of the two sports leagues that still matter. Otherwise Jacksonville could eat it like the rest of these fools.
8. Tampa Bay - They don't have any fans, but the few that exist will end up being very bummed out when they look at this squad a few years down the road (Think '95 M's)
Big Ol' Losers:
7. San Francisco - You can only ride those 49er championships for so long (and CHRIST, look at em now). The Giants haven't won a thin in forever, and I think they count the Sharks and Warriors as their own as well. A real shit sandwich.
6. Minnesota - The Twins won a couple, but that 20 years ago. The Timberwolves are a joke, and the Vikings are one of longest suffering NFL teams.
The Top 5:
5. Tennessee - Here's the curveball. Sure, they don't have a gigantic fansbase in any of these sports, and lumping all of Tennessee together is kinda weak, but so are their teams. Titans came inches from winning a Superbowl . The Grizzilies blow and always will, (seriously, come back and read this post in 10 years and if they won a title by then I'll give you $10.00 each). They've also got a team in Nashville that sucks at hockey. Not a great sports town.
4. San Diego - The Chargers and the Padres. A couple of championship games but nothing else. Also, pretty sure they lost their NBA team too.
3. Buffalo - C'mon.
2. Seattle - If you need an explanation for this one, you're probably on the wrong site.
1. Cleveland - No championships in anything for over I dunno, 50 years I'll say. And then Lebron pulled one of the all time dickhead sports moves on the entire town.
Congrats Cleveland! But things are looking up with Holmgren on the Browns, and Carlos Santana on the Indians... you guys better step your suckiness, cuz Seattle we'll be closing on ya fast!
Seattle @ Chicago
After watching the Rams game, convincing myself it was a bad dream, then waking up that Monday and realizing it wasn't I think it's safe to say that the expectations for the Seahawks offense were lower than Mike Singletary's football IQ. But that was before they decided to engage BEAST MODE. Now I assume it'll just be easy going, I don't see how anything volatile could happen with Marshawn Lynch in the fold.
Miami @ Green Bay
I've already gone over Miami's road successes and home woes, well now I have another theory. The Dolphins are actually a good football team but they're just a bunch of party animals and they find themselves easily distracted by the hot club scene on South Beach. It makes sense when you look at the two road victories they've had: Buffalo and Minnesota, two of the most boring places in the league. And now they're going to Green Bay, which would most likely mean another W. However, my Wacky Pick of the Week is that Aaron Rodgers will catch on to this phenomenon as well and open up a club in downtown GB called Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood of Hot Chicks. He'll then fly in babes from all across the country to fill the place. The Dolphins will catch wind of the sick new club and spend the whole night there on Saturday rendering them hungover and listless for the game.
San Diego @ St. Louis
San Diego's road games have been ridiculously similar this year. Special teams puts them in a hole, then huge turnovers foil their comeback attempts. It can't happen a 4th straight time can it?
Baltimore @ New England
I'm not sure what the Patriots are thinking with their trade for Deion Branch. Doesn't Wes Welker do the same things that Branch used to do in that offense? I think New England should be worried that these two will repeatedly crash into each other in the middle of the field while running identical, inverse routes. That conundrum is likely to cause a lot of problems, especially against Baltimore's ball-hawking defense.
Detroit @ New York Giants
Fortunately for the both of us, I was able to watch the entirety of the Lions game last week and I can tell you first hand, this team is half bad. You might have thought that was a typo, but no that's what I meant. But being half bad is a step up for the Lions, they're now at the point where they can actually beat bad teams. Of course, that also means they can't beat decent teams yet so they'll lose, but they won't look awful doing it.
Atlanta @ Philadelphia
I'm sure a lot will be made about Michael Vick facing his former team, which is pretty stupid when you consider that of the people Vick played with in Atlanta only 5 are still with the team. So obviously this is a non-story; either that or Jon Abraham should watch the fuck out. I'd like to think that both of these teams are good, but they only beat the Niners by a combined 5 points, so they're really sending mixed messages. In the end I think Atlanta is the more solid team.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
Normally this website doesn't touch on religious matters, but we should all start praying for Colt McCoy. Seriously, how big of a disaster is this going to be? There's no way McCoy survives this game, which is why I predict that by the end of this one Josh Cribbs will be taking the majority of the snaps. This looks like a shutout in the making, but I think Roethlisberger will turn it over at least once in his end, which will be ironic because Ben is used to people not giving it away in their own ends.
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
Everyone's still waiting for the Saints to play like themselves this season but consider this ... what if the Saints aren't themselves? What am I getting at? I think it's obvious: a group of alien shapeshifters have come to earth and taken the form of the New Orleans Saints. Meanwhile the real team is tied up on their spaceship constantly struggling to free themselves to no avail. I can only assume that the aliens saw the footage of last year's Super Bowl that was broadcast into outer space and thought it would be fun to play football. When you consider that their planet doesn't even have a similar game and that this is the first time they've ever played football it's actually pretty impressive that they've managed to go 3-2. It also helps explain how the Niners only lost to them by 3.
Kansas City @ Houston
Here's two teams struggling to break through into the playoffs. My guess is that this will be pretty competitive because both squads want to prove they're for real. However, if we're not sure of either team's legitimacy will a victory over the other really mean anything? It's like in school when you'd tell two losers to fight and whichever one won could sit at your lunch table, then after the fight you'd reveal it was all just a sick, hilarious joke. (What you guys never did that? Well then you missed out on good prankin') In this case I'm guessing Houston is the tougher nerd.
New York Jets @ Denver
Up to this point Mark Sanchez has thrown 8 TDs and 0 INTs, and it's clear that he has me to thank for his success, seeing as how I challenged him to be great in my Week 1 Picks when I wrote "... I'm curious to see whether or not Mark Sanchez can actually throw for more TDs than interceptions ..." You're welcome Mark. Now let's see if this can't work the other way: I'm curious to see if Rex Ryan can royally fuck up the rest of this year and cause the Jets to lose the rest of their games. It's worth a shot.
Oakland @ San Francisco
Apparently a "We want Carr" chant broke out at Candlestick on Sunday night. While I can't blame the San Fran fans for not wanting to see anymore of Alex Smith, they should really be careful what they wish for. If they were smart they would have chanted, "We want a decent quarterback with regular man-sized hands and the ability to look down field while scrambling. We could also use a coach who has some idea of what he's doing instead of a bumbling fool whose only saving grace is that he was able to convince people that he's a master motivator." It's not exactly a catchy chant but it would certainly get the point across.
Dallas @ Minnesota
Quite a big deal is being made of the fact that one of the infamous Brett Favre texts may have been a picture of himself masturbating with crocs on. I'm wondering why the crocs part is even included. Would it be better if he were masturbating while wearing work boots? Maybe some nice wing-tips or penny loafers? What is the appropriate footwear when sending a dick pic? The right answer is that there is no right answer. In the many dick pics I've sent I've found that you really shouldn't include your feet in the shot at all, it just freaks the girl out ... other than that they're usually totally cool with it.
Indianapolis @ Washington
Last week Peyton Manning laid his first Fantasy stinker of the year, meaning he'll probably come back with a vengeance on Sunday night. (by the way, don't look up "fantasy stinker" on google) So far it's been hard for me to tell if the Redskins are actually decent or just lucky. Of course, it could be a little bit of both, but when it comes to the Redskins I really don't like making compromises, so I'll say they've been lucky, which is why I'll take the Colts. (Fun fact: the bold part of the last sentence is a quote from Andrew Jackson).
Tennessee @ Jacksonville
The Jags have managed to join the Cardinals in the "How the Hell are we 3-2" sect of the NFL (A club I'm really hoping the Hawks can join this week!!!) In other words I have no confidence in them, which has to be disappointing for the Jags.
The surprise is they aren't really exciting.
- Still looking forward to the Mustacheer post of the week. But we haven't reeeeeeallly had any submissions. Seriously, send it in and I'll post it. Unless it's a pic of Favre's cock. HI-O!!!!
- Think we'll also be introducing a YouTube clip of the week. Probably sports related. I dunno. That'll at least spam some content on here. Christ.
- Finally a new segement called:
I'm at the gym... a lot... obviously. But I hate the douchebags who post stuff all over facebook about the times they're at the gym. Real studs BLOG about it.
Anyway... today: Saw some guy rolling around on one of those big balls people use for situps. I guess he was stretching, but he looked, moved, and sounded like a vampire that had just been staked. I don't know what this cat's deal was, but I ran to the other side of the gym when it started and could still hear it. Almost felt bad for him. Sounded like PAIN. Anyway, an employee ultimately came up to him and I think kicked him out, cuz he left right after their chat.
Have a great week Mustacheers!
The Future is bright
Thye project out to be roughly 6'8'' 325 and 6'6'' 315, respectively.
So fear not Coug fans... there is a new hope!
NFL Picks Week 5
Jacksonville @ Buffalo
Last week Scobee made a GW 59 yarder. The Jags may want to try a new strategy in which every time they get to the 40 yard-line they go for a FG to avoid any mistakes that would inevitably happen if their offense stayed on the field.
Tampa Bay @ Cincinnati
It was nice that Tampa got to spend an extra week above .500 because of their bye. This is like if a Governor granted a death row inmate a stay of execution just to fuck with him. Then a week or two later he calls and he's like, "Ok, but seriously, we're gonna have to execute you."
Atlanta @ Cleveland
I really wanted to pick the Browns last week, but I'd picked them twice this year and they lost each time, so I had to go against them in Week 4. Of course, they ended up winning; sneaky Browns ... sneaky browns, that reminds me of the time I drank a full 2-liter of Squirt. (Look, if they don't want people to make poop jokes they should change their team name already.) Anyway, fool me twice shame on me, but I still don't think you'll beat the Falcons.
St. Louis @ Detroit
It's become quite clear that the Rams are one of the premiere teams in the NFL. I mean, that's the only explanation for what happened last week. Be that as it may, the Lions have been close in all of their losses so far. At this point, a lot of people would say that close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades (in fact, some people would define their whole High School experience with that phrase). To that I'd say close also counts when we're talking about Glenn Close, star of Damages, Season 4 coming soon exclusively to the 101 Network only on DirecTV.
Kansas City @ Indianapolis
I'm not betting against the Colts until they lose .... what's that? They've already lost twice? The Colts are 2-2? Hmm. Oh well, I think that jokester Governor might be on the phone to Kansas City as well.
Green Bay @ Washington
Neither of these teams seemed very interested in winning their games last week, yet they both did. (The Hawks tried a similar strategy in St. Louis, results differed.) Will one of these teams step up and take this game. Sure, maybe, I don't care. Uggh, do I even have to make a pick? Fine ...
Chicago @ Carolina
Some of you may have seen that Carolina only lost to NO by 2 and thought that Jimmy Clausen did a decent job. Rest assured, he didn't. I was assigned that game at work so I got a chance to really check out Jimbo. He managed to avoid throwing any interceptions (which is really a shame because I was all set to start calling him Santa Clausen because he gives away so many gifts. I still really want to, it'll probably only take one pick for me to go for it.) but he also managed to look completely clueless on multiple occasions, including the end of the game when, on fourth down, he threw the ball well inbounds to a covered receiver who was 30 yards away from the end zone. Did I mention that there was :03 left and the Panthers had no remaining timeouts, meaning that even a reception in that situation would have been useless? Needless to say, I think I'll steer clear of Carolina for now.
Denver @ Baltimore
Kyle Orton's been slinging it for over 350 yards a game so far. I'm guessing he won't quite get there this time. And if he does, well then Kyle Orton, I owe you a steak dinner. (Which would actually be the second steak dinner I owe Kyle Orton after he beat me in our Oscar pool.)
New York Giants @ Houston
Here's my Wacky Pick of the Week: The Giants show up to Reliant Stadium to find that the field is 500 yards long. Eli will come to midfield for the coin toss and ask, "What's this all about?" To which Matt Schaub will reply, with a shit-eating grin on his face, "You know what they say, everything's bigger in Texas." Manning will start to nod, put on his helmet and the game will get under way. However, it will soon become clear that, because of the large field, points will be pretty tough to come by.
New Orleans @ Arizona
A hotly anticipated rematch from last year's playoffs. But this time it's featuring Max Hall at QB! So basically this is a sequel to a movie that was shitty in the first place and with a worse actor in one of the leading roles. I'll just be calling this game Son of the Mask. (Ok, that was the best one I could come up with, I'm sure there's a better analogy out there. Feel free to post it in the thread.)
San Diego @ Oakland
We saw the Governor's Cup, then there was the Battle of Ohio, and now the California Classic. Just kidding, no one cares.
Tennessee @ Dallas
If I were the Titans I would show up in my throwback Houston Oiler uniforms, causing the Cowboys to become very confused, "What's going on here? I thought we just played Houston!" It would most likely take Dallas about 3 quarters to figure out what's going on, and by then it would be too late. However, I don't think they'll do that, so they'll probably lose.
Philadelphia @ San Francisco
Fox and ABC should have waited until this Sunday night to debut Lonestar and My Generation respectively, I guarantee they would have done better ratings going against this game. Seriously, shouldn't NBC execs just assume no one will watch so that the few people that do tune in seem like a bonus? Like when you go to Vegas and assume you're going to lose a couple hundred bucks, so that when you only lose $150 you don't feel quite as bad. Unfortunately none of these analogies made sense to Bateman, because he'll be watching this game very attentively, and when he goes to Vegas he assumes nothing and leaves with overdraft fees.
Minnesota @ New York Jets
Randy Moss has been given a unique opportunity to play in back-to-back Monday Night games. Unfortunately for Moss, because the Vikings have already had their bye week, he also has to play in 17 games this year. For a guy who obviously hates playing, this is disastrous. Still, Minnesota needs a win. Are they good enough to get it? Tough to say, but I really hate the Jets ... oh wait I hate Favre too ... I'm getting to old for this shit.
I wish we could say this about the Mariners
Say hello to the newest Seahawk!!!
And if those pictures weren't enough to get you stoked for Beast Mode... well there's this little diddy:
I've waited for years to root for this dude! Can't wait!
Still need convincing what a bad ass this dude is? Just wait for Erik's (edited) post. Haha! It's fracking hilarious!!!
Pop Quiz Time!!
(This is where knowing how to utilize the "read more" function would come in handy)
McCarthy - had the best coaching start in the history of the Green Bay Packers, besting some dude named Lombardi. Took GB to the NFC Title game in his 2nd year (no need to discuss how they got there)
Turner - took San Diego to the AFC title game in his 1st year, has won the AFC West every year he has been their Head Coach
Martz - We all know about this a-hole. Greatest show on turf blah blah blah. When he left the Rams his team's averaged the most points per game in NFL History. He is now offensive coordinator in Chicago and undefeated.
here is a hint: it has nothing to do with Pete Carrol and how he is going to win the Super Bowl in his 1st season with a team
(again "read more" would really work here)
These gentleman have all had the privilege of coordinating an offense with Alex Smith at the helm. They each only lasted a year because I guess they suck at football. Earlier this week SF fired their O Coordinator for the 5th time since they drafted Smith in 2005.
It is my hope that the Niners continue to fire their O coordinators until they find one who has a magic wand that can turn Smith into something not resembling a pile of shit. But since that will probably not happen, just keep on playing him.
Mike Johnson, this new up and coming, really smart, oh my god hes gonna be the best thing to happen to us since Joe Montana, is taking over the coordinating duties. He has spent the last couple years as the 49er's QB coach (sound of needle scratching record) SAY WHAT!!
I think I speak for most Seahawk Fans when I say "ooooh, really scared." As long as Alex Smith is running the show there is nothing to be worried about. And to Mr. Johnson, good luck in your next gig next season, we hope its in the AFC.
NFL Picks Week 4
San Francisco @ Atlanta
So the Niners fired their Offensive Coordinator. I'm sure that when he had to clean out his desk it took him a while to gather all of his papers and shuffle through them. If I were Singletary I'd tell everyone that he had been in charge of calling timeouts too.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
One week after the Governor's Cup determined the best football team in Texas we get the Battle of Ohio. However, I'm not so sure that this one will be confined to the Bengals and Browns. My Wacky Pick of the Week is that during the 3rd quarter Ohio St. will do a run-in that will turn this game into a double DQ, forcing the first ever Triple Threat football game next month. My prediction for that game is OSU 28-17-7. My prediction for this game is ...
Bengals 10-9 (Before the DQ)
New York Jets @ Buffalo
So maybe the Jets are back on track, but now they have to face a squad full of Bills ... What? They didn't take my advice from last week? Fine screw 'em. I just checked and they don't even have ONE guy named Bill, not even a Will. Mark my words, this team will not win another game until they sign at least one player named Bill. Sidenote: I predict that Rex Ryan will coach this whole game with Buffalo sauce smeared all over his face. Not just his mouth, he'll even have some on his forehead.
Seattle @ St. Louis
After the Hawks dominated from start to finish against the Chargers the team's confidence must be pretty high. At the same time, the Rams just won their 2nd game since George W. Bush was in office, so clearly they're on a roll. Still, a loss here would seriously hamper my earlier prediction of the Hawks going 15-1
Denver @ Tennessee
Just when you think VY is gone he pops right back up again, kind of like herpes or a boner. I think I just wrote a commercial for the Titans marketing staff.
Detroit @ Green Bay
I think it's finally time for us to come to the realization that Shaun Hill isn't the superstar Quarterback we thought he would be. I know, It's hard on me too, I still have the ESPN Magazine with Hill on the cover and the headline: "On Top of the Mountain: Why Shaun Hill is Poised to Dominate the NFL for the Next Decade." I guess the re-sale value has gone down a bit.
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
Looking at the abbreviations for this game you get BAL @ PIT, or Balpit ... Ball-pit. Sadly I think hanging out in a ball-pit might be more fun than watching these offenses. Especially if it's one of the ones with a pyramid in the middle that you can climb up. I never could get to the top though, I mean they wouldn't let you wear shoes in there, how the hell was I supposed to get to the top with just socks on? It was way too slippery. To sum things up, I'll take the Ravens.
Carolina @ New Orleans
The Clausen Alert is still in effect, which I love because it makes it way easier to pick games. The Saints have yet to hit their stride, but I'm guessing they will this Sunday, more specifically their D-line will hit its stride all over Jimmy Clausen's face. Sure they'll get a few penalties for stomping another player's head but I'll bet the refs will be cool with it for the most part, and probably even throw out a few fist bumps.
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
If I went in for surgery and it turned out that Peyton Manning was the surgeon I think I'd be cool with it. The point is I trust him, I've gotten past the Super Bowl clinching interception he threw. Hell, even the best surgeon severs a nerve sac every now and then.
Houston @ Oakland
Does anybody else think that someone was holding Janikowski's family hostage last Sunday, and that's why he missed that 32 yard potential game-winner? Unfortunately, the spread was Cards by 4.5, so they probably killed his family anyway. Rumor has it that the Texans really like playing on fields with a lot of dirt on them, so this game should be right up their alley.
Washington @ Philadelphia
After so many years of booing him as an Eagle I wonder if it will even be fun for the Philly fans to boo McNabb now that he's on another team. It'll be like when you turn 21 and you can drink legally; it was just a lot more fun to do it when you weren't supposed to, and there was a lot more barfing. I say McNabb holds in his lunch this time around and pulls it off.
Arizona @ San Diego
I'm starting to wonder if Norv Turner misunderstood the concept of "Special" teams and he's actually fielding 10 mentally challenged guys and Nate Kaeding? And then in the playoffs 11 mentally challenged guys. The Cardinals have two wins, they beat the Rams by 4 and the Raiders by 1, call me crazy but I think they might lose this game.
Chicago @ New York Giants
Can't they flex the Giants out of this game already? I'd be fine with never having to watch them on a Sunday Night again, which is the same thing I said after two episodes of American Dad .... ZING, topical! That being said, I'm not buying the Bears yet.
New England @ Miami
Sometimes a Dolphin's own home can be the most dangerous place for it. I learned that when I watched The Cove, and that theory was proven again last Sunday when Miami lost their opener at SunSharkLandLife Stadium. After this game I think they'll drop to 0-2 at home and Tom Brady will start referring to his throwing arm as The Harpoon.