The People Have Spoken

Here's an ESPN.com poll that's sure to draw Mustacheer "Bobby's" ire.

So it looks like we weren't just being unabashed homers.

Hat Tip to NIKE

They nailed this commercial, and we realize what a bunch of douchebags the Cincinatti Reds broadcasters are.

The events of the day

I was sitting down and watching the Blind Side, and I couldn't help but notice the similarities in the movie, and part of my own life. You see a few years back, my family was driving home from a super rich function (my Dad's a doctor) when we noticed a homeless kid walking home. Dad wanted to go to Taco Bell, but Mom made him pullover and take the kid home with us. He was real shy, but was a real solid individual. Mom taught him how to play baseball with her sass and wit (and little Erik taught him how to make friends). Anyway, long story short... that kid went on to great success in the game we know as baseball. That kid... was THE Kid... Ken Griffey Jr.

Mom never really got the credit she deserved for Griffey's success, but no worries, Sandra Bullock couldn't have handled that role. Lots of nuances and no crummy accent.

Griffey retired today. A year too late. But that doesn't change the fact that he is the greatest baseball player to ever play the game or at least since uhhh... 1970 or something. Anyway, you'll never see a better ball player, and he did it clean baby! Should be the first 100% first ballot Hall of Famer (but some dickhead writer won't do it). Anyway congrats Griff!

Thanks Griffey. Greatest of all time.

The Mariners Strike Back

Ken Griffey Jr.

I'm sure you've heard... but Manny and Papi cheated! Most people/analysts/talking heads are at the "who cares, everybody cheated" point of this whole PED & steroid mess.

Well FRACK THAT!!!! I'll tell you one guy never cheated, and it'll never come out that he did...

JUNIOR!!!

I'll stake my entire blogging reputation on the fact that this dude is, was, and always will be clean!

I love every new name that comes out (one would or two would break my heart, but we won't talk about that here), cuz the more names that are leaked, the better and better Junior becomes.

You know what's pretty crazy to think about? All the criticisms that have plagued Griffey for his career... the lack of working out... the injuries... the slow recovery time... those same points that his detractors used as ammo? Well, they'll be the same reasons Griffey will be remembered as the greatest of our generation!! They PROVE he was never on steroids!

Dudes are all yoked out? They're on juice.

Junior never worked out a day in his life!

Guys are coming back form injuries quicker and stronger? PEDS!!!

Not Griffey! He's hurt all the time!

Players are having career seasons late in their career?

Not Ken! He barely holds down a lineup spot... (sorry Griff... but that's true... and that's why you rule!)

We should feel pretty lucky as sports fans. Sure the M's may never win the World Series... but we'll all be able to see we saw the greatest player of our generation. LEGIT!

Ken Griffey, Jr.

(fuck you A-Rod)

Re: A Venture into Hostile Territory or The Worst Beer of My Life

Everyone has times in their life when they regret drinking. Usually it's because of an ill-advised make-out session, a soiled bed, or the fact that you woke up the following morning with someone else's blood on your hands and the sneaking suspicion that you may have killed again. It's not often that you regret drinking because it made you miss a first ballot hall-of-famer hit his 620th home run; however, this was the case for yours truly last night.

The explanation for this begins a couple hours before game time in the Dodger Stadium parking lot. Pete Williams (brother of faceless Mustacheer "Andrew Williams"), an unnamed third party, and myself had some pregame BL smooths (that's a Bud Light for all the lame-o's in the crowd). We were confined to the car by patrolling security guards and policemen. We might have gone to a nearby bar if they existed. In case you don't know, Dodger Stadium sits alone on a hill and is surrounded by a giant, circular parking lot which is, in essence, a mandatory $15 tip for the team (Thanks for the baseball guys!) You really don't have a choice, you have to park there, which makes getting out of games so much of a free-for-all that it's hosted by Todd Pettengill. Anyway, I can't speak for the other guys, but I was good and buzzed by the time I got into the game. We bought our tickets at the box office, Pete didn't have any cash, so he used his card, and I gave him cash for my ticket (this seemed like the logical move at the time). When we got to the game the aforementioned buzz wore off, and because I'm a binge drinker I was really fiending for something to drink by the time the 3rd inning rolled around. Now, if it were a couple of months from now, maybe my lingering college tolerance would have continued its decline to the point that I could have waited until after the Top of the 3rd, but alas, that was not the case.

As I got up from my seat I thought, "Well, we have the top of the order coming up, maybe I should stay." But, I knew there was a beer stand right outside our section so, I would be able to get back to my seat within a matter of about 2 minutes, I'd be fine. I got to the beer stand and, being in the agreeable state I was in, I was able to talk myself into a $13 Heineken. I figured I'd just pay for it with my debit card and forget about it, however, I was informed that this particular stand was cash only. I checked my wallet for cash but, of course, all of mine was sitting in that slimeball Pete Williams' pocket. I was forced to go to a normal concession stand that had a giant line. At this point I was dead set on getting some sort of alcoholic beverage, so I decided to brave the throng of fat Angelinos. I should have thought about this more, thought, "Maybe I should wait until the M's are pitching, Griffey's coming up soon." But I didn't, and now I'm haunted by it.

I had been keeping an eye on the game on the concession stand's monitor, it looked like someone had gotten on base, but I wasn't sure who. I got up to the 2nd or 3rd spot in the line when I heard it: a CRACK followed by 40,000 people groaning. I looked up to the monitor to see the ball landing well into the right field seats. One thought ran through my head "Don't be Griffey, please don't be Griffey." The broadcast cut to the Mariner rounding 1st, it was Griffey. I yelled, "Damnit!" immediately after I saw this, which was probably confusing to the rest of the people in line considering the fact that I was wearing a Mariners shirt (2004 workout tee).

The first thing I thought about when we signed Griffey was how cool it would be to see him in the uniform again, I envisioned him hitting a home run for the M's again and I got chills. Well, when we went to the game last night we were just hoping that Griffey would get the start. We just wanted to see him in the uniform. Seeing him hit a home run would have been too much to ask for, and for me, it turned out it was. Did I get chills seeing him trot around the bases on a 20 inch monitor hanging from the concession stand ceiling? No. I did, however, get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach; the kind I imagine someone gets when they realize they picked the winning lottery numbers but lost the ticket.

There are times in which I feel (and maybe some of you do as well) that I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to sports. Whenever a team I root for falls short there is the upside that we still have something to shoot for, and that all the losses will make it that much better when we finally do come out on top. In this situation, however, there was no silver lining. If anything, you might say it was tragically comical because it was my fault. I could have just stayed put for another half inning and experienced firsthand what those imaginary chills were really like. Instead, I was charged $11.50 for a 24 oz. beer and a feeling of deep regret.

When I got back to my seat Pete said, "Well, that better be the best beer you've ever had." It was Budweiser American Ale so, needless to say, it wasn't. I really appreciated the smart-ass comment, especially coming from a guy whose lack of cash had caused this whole mess in the first place. When I woke up the next morning there was blood on my hands ... I had killed Pete Williams.

Opening Day

Mr F. excitedly and patiently awaits player introductions

In case you didn't know, Ken Griffey Jr. is back.

Mariners Re-Sign Entire 1995 Team

PEORIA, AZ – In an attempt to lure former Mariners superstar Ken Griffey Jr. back to the club, first-year General Manager Jack Zduriencik has re-signed every other player from the historic 1995 team. "The magic is back!" said Zduriencik on Monday, "Speedy Joey Cora, Randy "The Big Man" Johnson, Jay "Bonesaw" Buhner, and the rest of the great players you knew and loved will all be back in Mariners uniforms come opening day." Zduriencik, while admittedly unfamiliar with the players, was still very enthusiastic about the impending reunion and the turn around it could trigger for the organization. "All I know is that these guys saved baseball in this town once, and now they’re going to revive it, or my name isn’t Jack Zaderrrunnn-chickk …."

The series of moves comes as a surprise to many in the organization, including some of the more high-priced talent, such as 3rd baseman Adrian Beltre, who is entering the final year of his contract. "Beltre? Fuck him." Zduriencik responded. "Give me Mike Bowers any day of the week. I mean, just look at Beltre’s numbers last time he was in a contract year … Holy shit! 48 homers! … Um, whatever, Bowers will jack 50." When reached for comment Blowers responded in a whiny monotone, "Hmm, that seems a little unrealistic. And my name is Blowers. That being said, it should be fun to play again, I’m very very thrilled."

The team, as of right now is an exact mirror of the opening day roster from 1995, minus Griffey, of course. This leads some to believe that midseason moves will be made. Especially weary is former pitching prospect Jim Converse who was traded at the ’95 deadline for speedster Vince Coleman. "I can’t help but feel like I might not be here the whole season," said Converse. When approached with these comments Zduriencik responded, "Converse has an attitude problem, eh? Well I’m not afraid to ship out a bad seed, even one with as much promise as a Jim Converse." Converse played his last major league game in 1997, ending a 5-year career.

As odd and downright foolish as the move may seem to most, Zduriencik remains optimistic. "If you ask me, this team, with Griffey, might not lose a game. In fact, with the heart that this squad has, they’ll probably refuse to drop any to the opposition. I’ve even come up with a slogan that encompasses these ideals: Gotta win ‘em all!"

A-Roid

Well... he cheated. Poor guy. Had the weight of the world on his shoulders. AND HE ADMITTED IT!

Which means America will forgive him. The worst thing you can be in America is a liar. Or an animal abuser.

Just as long as Griffey stays clean throughout all this, I really don't care. He'll go down as the greatest of our generation. (Edgar staying clean woudl be nice too).