NFL Picks - Week 12


SEASON: 98-66-1


Sunday Morning


Pittsburgh at Cincinnati 

Every team in the AFC North has a winning record, and I think we should all just take a minute to appreciate that. Will we be able to say that at the end of the season? I doubt it, I don’t even think it’s mathematically possible. No, I haven’t done the math, so it’s probably irresponsible of me to make such a claim. But did you do the math? Didn’t think so. Now who’s being irresponsible? 


Bengals 24-20

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis 

For years now it’s been common knowledge that the Colts hang banners in Lucas Oil Stadium for the AFC title games that they’ve lost. I believe they say “AFC Championship Game Participant” or something of that ilk. These banners are laughing stocks to every NFL fan, but imagine how hilarious the must be to Tom Brady. This man has won 7 actual Super Bowls. He has no need to count the conference title games he’s taken part in. But if he wanted to he could point out that he’s been in 14, which is ridiculous, and would easily surpass Indy’s total; but again, he’s not here to do that. He’s in Indy merely to win a game. And to visit the Children’s Museum of Indianapolis, the city’s number 1 rated tourist attraction according to a quick, yet selective google search that Brady (and I) recently did. There are dinosaurs outside! Tom’s going to love it. 


Buccaneers 30-27

Carolina at Miami 

Cam Newton is truly back. And that means a handful of improbable plays, and at least the same amount of incomprehensible ones. Could he win you a game? Maybe. Could he lose you one? Absolutely. Could you pick him up in fantasy because your starter is on a bye and watch him score a measly 7 points, resulting in you angrily fumbling your phone into an airport toilet? I’m counting on it!


Panthers 23-20

Tennessee at New England

The Patriots have won 5 in a row, the Titans have lost 5 straight. Actually, it was only one loss for Tennessee, but it was against the Texans, so it felt like 5. The good news for the Titans is that they’re still technically the #1 seed in the AFC. But after their loss to Houston do any of us take them seriously? They’re like a drunk grandpa at the Thanksgiving table. Sure, you have seniority, but we also just saw you pour cranberry sauce into your undies, so we’re keeping a watchful eye on ya. 


Patriots 26-19

Philadelphia at New York Giants

Daniel Jones threw one of the most mind-boggling interceptions of the season on Monday. It made me wonder if he just gets bored playing quarterback. Like the fourth quarter rolls around and after a bunch of monotonous plays he thinks, “Eh, let’s see what happens if I do this ...” It would also explain why Jones can regularly be seen checking his phone after handoffs. 


Eagles 27-17

Atlanta at Jacksonville 

Two quarterbacks, four first names, one field. Like uhh, 25 balls I think. I don’t know actually. The point is, this may be the only chance we ever get to see Matt Trevor Ryan Lawrence, and we all need to savor it while we can. Also, I just looked it up and the average NFL game uses 36 balls. Seems like a lot, but with the frequency that Matt Ryan turns the ball over it makes sense to carry at least that many. You see, once a ball is turned over it can never be reused. It is owned by the defense now, and they have no reason to bring it back to the field, so new balls are needed. Of course, as we all know, some teams consider it customary after a win to send back a turnover ball to the opposing quarterback with a note that says, “Mwah mwah, thank you for the victory, we all kissed this ball as a sign of our gratitude. Some of us used our tongues.” But like I said, that only happens occasionally, so it’s anybody’s guess if the Jags do so. Or if they win at all for that matter.


Falcons 24-22

New York Jets at Houston 

It’s a clash for the first pick in the draft. Loser wins! Whoops, I forgot about the Lions. So I guess it’s a battle for the second pick in the draft. Though, from what I’m hearing the 2022 crop of prospects isn’t the best, so does it really matter who has the higher choice? I say no, which means both of these teams should try to win. But that’s where things could get tricky. Sure, the Texans won last week, but they snuck up on the Titans. A lousy team can’t surprise a cruddy one. And vice versa. It’s what’s known as the Browns Conundrum.


Texans 20-16

Sunday Afternoon


Los Angeles Chargers at Denver 

Chargers and Broncos? Sounds like this contest should be held on the freeway, not the football field! Of course, that joke would require the teller to never have come across a Chargers/Broncos game, even though they play each other twice a season. So yeah, whoever made that joke is a real doofus. Sure it was hilarious, but it strains credulity. 


Chargers 23-21

Los Angeles Rams at Green Bay

It’s another playoff rematch, and look, I don’t want to have to be the one to bring this up again, but it could very well be a playoff prematch. I'm just saying, it’s a word that a lot of people are using now, so I would be remiss if I didn’t use it. The Rams come in to this game looking to take a step in the right direction after consecutive losses. Meanwhile, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers apparently took a step in the wrong direction, because he’s been diagnosed with a broken toe. He may not be 100% this Sunday, but with the holistic methods at his disposal, he should be better than ever by the time these teams square off in the potential playoff rematch that follows this prematch. 


Packers 30-23

Minnesota at San Francisco 

Both teams .500 and 5-5. You know what that means, first team to 5 wins. But here’s the catch: touchdowns are only worth 1 point. Field goals? Those are still 3 points. Let the strategizing begin! I mean, obviously they should just get in field goal range and kick, but let’s see how these guys play it ...


49ers 33-30

Sunday Night


Cleveland at Baltimore

The second AFC North clash of the day is just as pivotal as the first, if not more pivotaler. Let's see who the man calling the game, Cris Collinsworth thinks will come out on top:

Take care of yourself CriColl.

Ravens 28-14

Monday Night 


Seattle at Washington 

I can’t imagine that this is what ESPN had in mind when they scheduled this game. These teams have gone from division winners a season ago to 3-7 and 4-6, respectively. But as The Rolling Stones said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might find, that Taylor Heinicke is actually pretty decent, depending on the week.” Those were the original lyrics. They decided to pare it down a bit for the official studio version. 

Seahawks 23-17



NFL Picks - Thanksgiving

Chicago at Detroit 

These teams enter this game with a combined record of 3-16-1. There are no fantasy players to keep tabs on. We won’t even have the mildly interesting Justin Fields playing. So what reason is there to watch? Because if you don’t pretend to be interested you might have to help with the cooking. And come on, wouldn’t you rather watch the Bears and Lions than prepare a meal for your family? Sure they say they love you, but do they love you as much as football does? Impossible.

Bears 16-15

Las Vegas at Dallas 

The Cowboys' season has been fairly impressive so far, but if it weren’t for the AFC West, Dallas may be the top team in the league. Here are the numbers, Cowboys against the AFC West: 1-2, 15 points per game; Cowboys against all other teams: 6-1, 35 points per game. So does the fact that the Raiders hail from the AFC West automatically doom Dallas to a Thankskilling? I doubt it. Their offense may not chow down on a Vegas buffet, but the Cowboys should amass enough plays to cobble cobble a win together.

Cowboys 30-23

Buffalo at New Orleans 

Taysom Hill could be described as invaluable to the Saints. Except they just put a value on him with his new contract extension, and that value is: way too high. I get that he’s versatile, but do you really need a Swiss Army knife on an NFL field? I say no. They’re too bulky and football pants don’t even have pockets. Sure, sometimes it’s 4th & 1 and you want to bust out a screwdriver or a pair of tiny scissors, but I’d settle for a running back and $40 million in my pocket. And yes, I have pockets.

Bills 27-19 




NFL Picks - Week 11

LAST WEEK: 5-8-1 (I did better against the spread, I swear)

SEASON: 89-60-1



Sunday Morning


Indianapolis at Buffalo

It’s a playoff rematch from last season, and a playoff PREmatch for this season?!? Probably not, I wouldn’t bet on the Colts getting to the postseason at this point, but I really just wanted to introduce the term "prematch" into the lexicon. Don’t worry, I won’t overuse it just yet, in fact, I probably won’t mention it again this week. But just ruminate on it and get back to me. I think this thing may have legs. Hey speaking of legs, most of the players in this game have muscular ones. 


Bills 31-24


Baltimore at Chicago

The Ravens were dominated for the second time in their last three games last Thursday, which is never a good sign. But to make matters worse, this last one was against the Dolphins. I don’t need M. Night Shyamalan to tell me that signs don’t get much worse than that. But are these troubling losses by Baltimore or just blips on the radar? Perhaps blips. But it should be clear now that the Ravens can’t merely just throw water on their problems, despite what M. Night Shyamalan might tell us.


Ravens 27-18

Detroit at Cleveland

Last week I acknowledged that picking the Lions to lose would be the only way for them to actually beat the Steelers. Sadly I overlooked the ever present third potential outcome: the tie. In retrospect it makes sense for Detroit, they gotta walk before they can run. But my advice to them would be to start running, like literally moving faster. It will help with both offense and defense. Heck, special teams too. This Lions squad starts to pick their pace up to a jog or even a full sprint and who knows what might happen. I’ll still pick them to lose this one, because again, picking them to win will doom them for certain. And if it leads to another tie, well then that’s just fun for everyone. 


Browns 23-17

Houston at Tennessee

The Titans have 6 wins against teams that are .500 or better. They now get a respite from their grueling schedule with a visit from the Texans. But will Tennessee know what to do in a match-up like this against such an inferior opponent? Could we see a possible let down? One more question: who is playing quarterback for the Texans, still Davis Mills? Alright, please consider those first two questions null and void. Look for the Titans to pick up another win, but continue to not be taken too seriously as long as they don’t have Derrick Henry. Meanwhile look for the Texans to pick up another loss and also not be taken too seriously as long as they don’t have Derrick Henry. 


Titans 27-13

Green Bay at Minnesota 

There’s a real muddled mass of mediocrity hovering around the final two playoff spots in the NFC. A couple of wild cards are there for the taking, some team just needs to reach out and grab that brass ring. Could it be the Vikings? Perhaps. They’re coming off an impressive win against the Chargers, and seem talented enough for the task. However, their inconsistency will likely be their downfall, and prevent them from grabbing that aforementioned ring. They shouldn’t be too discouraged though, because Super Bowl rings are typically made of gold, so even if they got their hands on the brass ring, what good would it really be? And only one? So does it have to rotate among every member of the team in the offseason, like the Stanley Cup? Man it’d be cool to drink beer out of that brass ring. That’s what I’d do on my day. Anyway, if the Vikings do wind up getting a wild card spot they could very well find themselves up against the Packers in the first round. Of course that would make this game a playoff prematch. 


Packers 30-27

Miami at New York Jets

Here’s how I see this one playing out: a vigilante member of the MetLife Stadium staff, feeling so ashamed of the Jets, and wanting to protect the nation from having to view their game with the Dolphins, will unleash hundreds of snakes onto the playing field Saturday night in an effort to get the game canceled. The league will decide to press on however, and wouldn’t you know it, the presence/threat of the snakes will make the game much more entertaining than it would have been normally. The league will be heralded for their bravery and perseverance. The staffer will be fired. 


Dolphins 24-20

New Orleans at Philadelphia 

This is a pivotal game for the Eagles, as a win would potentially get them into playoff position, while a loss would send them back down into the morass of NFC hopefuls. Though, what good is playoff position in Week 11? Do you remember who the playoff teams were as of Week 11 last season? I doubt it. And that’s because it doesn’t matter too much. But just to further prove my point, I’ll point out that at this time last year the Detroit Tigers were in possession of the NFC’s 7th seed. No, not the Detroit Lions, the TIGERS. An MLB team! See, that’s how much things can change before the end of the season. 


Eagles 20-16

Washington at Carolina 

Cam Newton playing quarterback for the Panthers, Ron Rivera on the sidelines, what year is this?!? Seriously, what year is this? I just woke up in an alley covered in goo, I need you to tell me what year it is! Where is Vlargoff? Has he procured the Claxometer?!? Tell me what you know damn it!


Panthers 27-23

San Francisco at Jacksonville

The Niners finally won a home game on Monday and now get rewarded with a trip to Jacksonville. The only occasion in which a group of people are excited to go to Jacksonville is a pro football team going to play the Jags. Have I used that same joke before in this space? I honestly don’t know. When you do this for long enough and a team has such a sustained run of lousiness it’s hard to not tread over a lot of the same territory. Hey, don’t get mad at me, the Jaguars constantly tread upon the same territory too. Their own side of the 50! 


49ers 33-20

Sunday Afternoon


Cincinnati at Las Vegas

These two teams were 1 and 2 in the AFC a few weeks ago. And what now? They’re fighting for their playoff lives just like so many other suckers. It’s just another example of why early season success can’t always be trusted, especially if those having the success are the Bengals and/or Raiders. Will either team regain their earlier form and actually end up in the postseason? History would tell us no. But you know that old saying about history, “I’ll learn from it when I’m dead!” That’s why I say that both of these woebegone teams will absolutely make the playoffs, starting with wins this Sunday! Yes, wins for both of them! No, I don’t know how it’s possible, but these groups of dreamers are just the type to figure out a way.


Bengals 30-24

Dallas at Kansas City

Much in the same way that we’re used to seeing the Chiefs’ offense flip a switch and erase a double digit deficit in minutes, Kansas City has, in the span of three weeks, gone from worst to first in the AFC West. I think we all assumed they wouldn’t be in last forever, but the realization that they were already back in first after their Sunday night shellacking of the Raiders was a bit stunning. Oh and by the way, I know what you’re thinking and uh no, that Vegas demolition ain’t making way for a gaudy new hotel on The Strip, babe! The Cowboys are coming off their own blowout victory, and the collective momentum of both teams have a lot of people wondering aloud if this could be a Super Bowl prematch. I’m telling ya, I heard about a dozen people out in public saying that to no one in particular. Some of them were shouting. They grabbed me by my collar and shook me until I agreed. Personally I’m not fully sold that these are Super Bowl caliber teams, but at the time it felt like I had no choice but to agree. Please be careful out there everybody.


Cowboys 38-36

Arizona at Seattle

Last week Pete Carroll couldn’t locate his challenge flag, so he threw the first thing he could find in his pocket, which happened to be a hand warmer. The weird thing was that the referee accepted that as an indicator of a challenge. If they’re going to let that fly, Carroll should start seeing how far he can push it. Make it a running gag every week. He tosses his keys, hand sanitizer, a rubber chicken. And then finally, when the refs are sick of it he does the ol’ magician’s never ending handkerchief trick until the red fabric stretches all the way across the field. Everybody would laugh so hard (including the other team) that Carroll would be rewarded the overturned call without any need for review. 


Seahawks 26-23

Sunday Night


Pittsburgh at Los Angeles Chargers

Both teams are coming off of disappointing outings against NFC North teams in Week 10. Who will get back on the right track? Either? Neither? Steeler? Charger? Let's see what Cris Collinsworth thinks about it:

 Chargers 24-20

Monday Night


New York Giants at Tampa Bay

The Buccaneers have now lost consecutive games to New Orleans and Washington, meaning Tom Brady has defeats to Trevor Siemian and Tyler Heinickie on his permanent record. Is Brady’s legacy forever tarnished? Is that enough to undo the 7 Super Bowl wins? Time will tell. The important thing is to not overreact. Now, if Brady loses to Daniel Jones on Monday he should absolutely give back all of his rings and send a request to the commissioner that his name be expunged from the NFL history books. 

Buccaneers 27-16



NFL Picks - Week 11 Thursday

New England at Atlanta 

Ever since their team’s crushing defeat 5 years ago in Super Bowl LI, Atlanta fans have been waiting for a home game against the Patriots. Unfortunately for them it comes just a few days removed from the Falcons worse loss of the season, and with the Patriots firing on all cylinders. What’s more, Tom Brady isn’t even in New England anymore, so who is there really to direct their hate towards? Dont'a Hightower I guess. But getting inside the head of a linebacker is a peculiar task, and may be a tall order for the crowd at Mercedes Benz Stadium. But there will also be plenty of tall lemonade orders at the in-house Chick-Fil-A, which will be operating for its only home game this season. Come to think of it, the lines at the stand may be so long that the actual number of Falcons fans in their seats won’t be enough to effectively rattle the Patriots anyway. It’s a true shame. 5 years of anticipation undone by chicken and a lousy team.

Patriots 27-20


NFL Picks - Week 10


SEASON: 84-52



Sunday Morning


Atlanta at Dallas

The Cowboys looked flat as all get out last week in their home loss to the Broncos. Like if they were a soda, the Cowboys team as a whole equaling one soda, all 53 men plus coaching staff and trainers, basically anyone who’s on their sideline, if all of them combined to be one carbonated, sugary beverage, if that were the case, I’d say to the waiter, did I mention that I’m at a restaurant in this scenario? If I didn’t, then consider it mentioned now, I’m at a restaurant. I would say to the waiter, when he brings me the soda made of the Cowboys team, and I’ve had a sip, “Take it back! This is too flat.” That’s how flat we’re talking here! Anyway, they’ll probably come out with more energy this week. 


Cowboys 31-24

New Orleans at Tennessee

It’s the “Adrian Peterson played for those guys? Bowl.” Or at least it will be in the future. Families will gather ‘round the ol’ boob tube once every four years to watch the Saints take on the Titans and at some point the resident trivia wiz will say, “Ya know a lot of people don’t know remember this, but Adrian Peterson played for both of these teams.” And the rest of the family will go “Oh yeah.” Then little Scottie will say “Tell me more about Adrian Peterson papa.” To which the resident trivia wiz will respond, “He was also known for beating his child. A boy about your age.” This AP Bowl will be extra special since he’ll actually be playing in it. Like when Lombardi won the Super Bowl and now the trophy is named after him. Equal levels of prestige.

Titans 24-17

Jacksonville at Indianapolis

The Jags are relatively on fire. 1 win in a row! Not to mention 2 victories in their last 3 games. And what’s more, their offense has scored 16 points combined over the last two weeks. These guys can’t be stopped. It has to feel weird as an offense when you win a game scoring 9 points as Jacksonville did last week. It’s probably akin to a drunk person who got a ride home from a DD. Hey thanks man, I’ll drive next time, I swear. Then the defense rolls their eyes and shoves Trevor Lawrence out of the car. 


Colts 30-16

Cleveland at New England

What do these teams have in common with each other and seven other AFC teams? They have 5 wins. That’s right nine teams in the conference have exactly 5 wins right now. That’s over half the teams in the AFC! So what gives? My theory is that all the teams met up before the season and agreed to split the conference title. It was an illegal and stupid idea, but hey that’s the AFC for ya. Illegal and stupid.


Patriots 20-17

Buffalo at New York Jets

Remember earlier when I mentioned the Jaguars winning with 9 points? That’s because they were playing the Bills, who scored 6. Makes you wonder what happened to Buffalo. And I’m still wondering, because I saw about 5 minutes of the game. I mostly kept track of it via the ticker, which I just assumed was broken, because how could the Bills not have scored a touchdown against the Jags? It’s a mystery that we’ll likely never know the answer to; I heard the league burned the tapes. Buffalo has a chance to get themselves straight this Sunday against a lowly opponent. But are the Jets lowlier than the Jags? And if the Bills lose again will they be lowliest of them all? I don’t want to go that far, but if they choke again they’ll certainly be lowly gaggers.


Bills 38-20

Detroit at Pittsburgh 

On two occasions over the past few weeks I’ve picked the Lions to finally get their first win. They’ve proven me wrong in comical fashion in both such instances. By contrast, I’ve been very down on Pittsburgh ever since watching them play a full game, and they keep winning. And so I see only one, inevitable outcome here: I pick the Steelers and Detroit wins. Since I know that’s what will happen you might be wondering why I wouldn’t just pick the Lions. Don’t you see? They can’t win if I do that! I must play my humble part in this grand cosmic ballet. 


Steelers 26-16

Tampa Bay at Washington 

It’s a playoff rematch, and oh how the mighty have fallen. The Washington Football Team sits at a paltry 2-6, a shell of their 2020 NFC East champion selves. What has become of these once proud gladiators? Oh, um ... I just looked it up and they actually started 2-6 last year too. So hey, right on pace! Sorry about all that bombast earlier, but hey you know what they say, “Leave the bombast in the past, and let’s play some Dreamcast!” Yes, somebody’s said that before. It was in a Dreamcast commercial in which one of the friends was very verbose and boastful. Verboastful, if you will. Yes, I expected that you wouldn’t. 


Buccaneers 34-22

Sunday Afternoon


Carolina at Arizona 

This week Sam Darnold was diagnosed with a fracture in his shoulder. I’m guessing he asked the team doctor to do him a solid and say that he’s been playing with the fracture for weeks now. And then maybe add in that Darnold is the toughest man he’s ever met. The type of man you’d want your daughter to marry some day, if you had a daughter. The doctor in question doesn’t. And actually, now that he’s thinking about it he wouldn’t even want to assume that his hypothetical daughter would be interested in a heterosexual relationship, or the concept of marriage for that matter. Shame on you Sam Darnold for presuming so.


Cardinals 28-18

Minnesota at Los Angeles Chargers

This season the Vikings have taken the Chargers mantle as “team that plays nothing but close games and usually does something stupid to lose them in the end.” It’s a title I’m guessing the Chargers don’t mind relinquishing, though part of me wonders if running up against these volatile Vikings will spark that wild spirit within them and result in the kookiest game of the year. I guess you could compare it to an addict relapsing, but I’d rather not. Man you are twisted! 


Chargers 38-35

Philadelphia at Denver

This is the Eagles’ last chance to beat an AFC West team in 2021. They’re 0-3 so far, and I happen to know that Philly’s top goal this season was to get at least one win against that division. If they don’t manage to get it this week the whole campaign will have been an abject failure. And also if they don’t start winning more games in general the season will be an actual failure. As opposed to a failure by the phony criteria I just made up. Oh so what? I lied. This ain’t as easy as it looks pal, sometimes you just have to make stuff up. This was the only example of that in the 10+ years I’ve been writing this post though, so cut me some slack. 


Broncos 23-20

Seattle at Green Bay

Before he signed with the Rams on Thursday, these two teams were rumored to be in the running to acquire Odell Beckham Jr. It seemed like he was pretty torn on where to go, so I thought a nice compromise/solution would have been for him to sign with both teams for the week and play all-time offense. Whichever team won would get him for the rest of the season. Unfortunately when OBJ would pass out in the fourth quarter due to exhaustion both teams would be so disgusted that they’d no longer be interested in his services The training staff would just toss him an IV bag and a needle and tell him to get lost. And get this, when they do the toss the needle punctures the IV bag, so Beckham’s faced with a real ticking clock. Poor guy. Anyway, I wish him luck in LA, I’m sure he’ll he be very satisfied with all the touches he’s bound to get. 


Seahawks 50-6

Sunday Night


Kansas City at Las Vegas

Who comes out on top in this pivotal AFC West match-up? I'm not sure, but certainly Cris Collinsworth can provide some insight for us:

Wow, added intrigue.

Raiders 27-23

Monday Night


Los Angeles Rams at San Francisco 

The Rams were one of four teams to lose while scoring 16 points last week. The Niners themselves scored 17 in a loss. What does it mean?!? Probably nothing, but I might as well pick accordingly. 

Rams 17-16



NFL Picks - Week 10 Thursday

Baltimore at Miami 

The Dolphins have won twice this season. Their secret? Give up fewer than 17 points.  That’s all it takes! They’re two for two so far when they manage that. So let’s see, how many more games against the Texans do they have ...? Unfortunately none. But they do have two against the Jets! That might have worked out for them if they were facing the OLD Jets. The new Jets put up 30 a game minimum. Doesn’t matter who the QB is. As such Miami may be out of luck going forward. Not to say that they’ve had any luck prior to this, I mean they’re 2-7. Actually we can just call them 2-8 at this point, right?

Ravens 31-17 


NFL Picks - Week 9


SEASON: 75-47

Sunday Morning


Cincinnati at Cleveland 

Last week, I wondered aloud (or rather, in type) if the Bengals’ Week 8 game against the Jets was going to be a trap. It had all the makings of it, except for the fact that they were going against somebody making their first start, and that that guy wrote Nacho Libre. But who knew that Mike White would deliver one of the greatest debut performances in NFL history? Well, we should have. Of course the second that the Bengals got some national respect they would immediately prove themselves unworthy of it. It’s really a lesson to trust my instincts, and never trust the Bengals. That being said ...

Bengals 26-19

Denver at Dallas

The Broncos are a prognosticator’s dream. They beat the real bad teams and lose to anybody decent or better. They’re perfectly predictable. The bad news for Denver is that their opponent this week falls into that non-lousy category, which means a definite loss for the Broncos. The good news is that they traded away their best player, so now they’ll have a built-in excuse every time they lose. The bad news is that they’ll probably have to use that excuse with great regularity going forward. The good news is that ... uh oh, I’ve become stuck in a loop, much like the Broncos franchise. I could take a page out of Denver’s book and hire a cast-off quarterback to try to get me out of it, or we could just move on. 


Cowboys 31-21

Houston at Miami 

The Texans, ostensibly a football team, didn’t score a touchdown, debatably the main method of scoring in football, for a combined 200 minutes of game time until reeling off 3 TDs in the fourth quarter last Sunday. You might read that and think Houston is both hapless and hopeless. But consider this: the 2000 Baltimore Ravens didn’t score a touchdown for 5 consecutive games and went on to win the Super Bowl. Houston’s offense, and their 3+ game streak seem downright explosive by comparison. So why can’t the Texans turn things around and win the Super Bowl a la the 2000 Ravens? Oh right, their defense is also shitty, and their record is 1-7. Hey, speaking of 1-7 teams, the Dolphins are right there with Houston. And if I had to guess, Hard Rock Stadium will be 1/7th full. 


Dolphins 27-24

Atlanta at New Orleans

The Saints have scrapped together a 5-2 record so far. Now they must get even scrappier without Jameis Winston, who’s out for the season with a torn ACL. Good news, because no one’s scrappier than the next man up, Taysom Hill! This man is scrap personified. Break him down and sell him to a metal yard. Feed him to the dog when you’re done eating him. That’s the level of scrap we’re dealing with here people! Though I will say, that I wouldn’t have expected it to take Hill 4 weeks to scrap his way out of concussion protocol. Yes, I know concussions are serious biz and players should be applauded for putting their safety first. That being said, it’s clear that Hill just doesn’t want it bad enough. He’ll need to rediscover his scrap in order New Orleans to be successful going forward. 


Saints 20-17

Las Vegas at New York Giants

Will the Raiders show up for this game? And no, I don’t mean, Will they “show up” for the game, I’m saying will they literally make it to the stadium. My worry is that the bus driver in Vegas will hear that they’re going to NY and instead of taking to them to the airport he’ll drop them off at New York, New York, the hotel and casino on The Strip. I wouldn’t blame him for being confused. As far as I’m concerned that’s the New York, the superior New York, in fact. They got pizza, hot dogs, bagels, all in one food court! Can the east coast New York say that?!? Don’t answer that! Your split second of silence says it all. You clearly feel the same. As such I ask you to join me in imploring the NFL to move this game from New York to New York, New York. It’s time for the real New York to get the recognition it deserves. 


Giants 24-23

New England at Carolina

Two teams alike in record (4-4) at a crossroads. One will never win another game this season, the other will be Super Bowl champ. This is the turning point. Ok, maybe that’s a bit drastic, but if you go into this game with that mindset it will be a whole lot more entertaining. It’s a fun trick that works for any game. And the worse the match-up, the more dire the fake circumstances need to be. For instance, during the Texans/Dolphins game I’ll imagine that Gen. Francis Hummel (Ed Harris in The Rock) is in the Gulf of Mexico on a ship armed with poison VX gas rockets that he will launch at the losing city. Or I guess you could just bet on the games. That works too.

Patriots 23-19

Buffalo at Jacksonville 

Last Sunday the Jaguars were down 24-0 with 1:49 left in the game when they finally scored a touchdown. At this point they had an almost 0% chance of winning the game, but at least following up that TD with a successful 2 point conversion would have made the score 24-8 and gotten them within two scores. Unfortunately, Jacksonville didn’t convert a two point conversion, because they didn’t attempt one. They trotted out the kicking team and tacked on a rather pointless extra point to make the game 24-7 and maintain their three possession deficit. A confusing move from Urban Meyer, but I guess he was just packing it in for the day. Except he wasn't, because the Jags then attempted an onside kick immediately after that! So they did think they still had a chance? But they definitely didn’t, due in large part to the decision their coach made mere minutes before. Why would he eschew the two yet not elide the onside? So did they recover that kick? No, it was snatched by Travis Homer of the Seahawks and returned for a touchdown to make the score 31-7. It couldn’t have been a more appropriate result for Urban Meyer and his baffling “strategy.” And now the well-deserved punishment will continue with this inevitable beat down from Buffalo. Watch for Urban to call a punt on first down or something. 


Bills 42-20

Minnesota at Baltimore 

This one’s for all your purple fiends out there. You freaks sucking on grape popsicles and drinking, well, grape soda I guess. Look, I don’t know what you purple kooks do in the privacy of your own home, just keep it away from my hypothetical kids, alright? They’re too young to learn about purple. Even for those viewers out there without an affinity for a certain shade, this one should be entertaining. Mainly because the Vikings only play close games. Their contests this season have had more twists and turns than a great novel, or an Oscar winning movie. If pressed to compare them to a specific novel/movie, I guess I’d say ... The Color Purple. Look, I’ll admit I’ve never read that book nor have I seen the movie, and from what I know about the story it wouldn’t really make any sense to compare it to a football game. But you guys get why I said it right? 


Ravens 34-31

Sunday Afternoon


Los Angeles Chargers at Philadelphia 

This week the Chargers announced plans to build a new training facility in the LA area (El Segundo to be exact). Perhaps this is the Chargers’ way of making Los Angeles feel more like home, since every game played in their own stadium feels like they’re on the road. But I say why bother? LA was never going to work out; they should just cut their losses move on. And hey, since they’ve basically been a team without a home for years now, why not embrace it? Become a touring group. They could travel around the country playing their “home” games in cities that don’t have an NFL team. Football depraved burgs like Portland, Austin, or Detroit. America’s team, coming to a town near you! Catch them while you can, because next week they’ll be gone ... Or they might stay, if you want them bad enough, or even show a mild interest. 


Chargers 30-27

Green Bay at Kansas City

The Chiefs are a dream team. And by that I mean it looks like they’re playing in a dream. You know those dreams where you can’t run right and you barely move? That’s what the Kansas City offense resembles right now. If Patrick Mahomes’ teeth start falling out mid game you’ll know that they’re definitely in a dream. Either that or Mahomes is gravely ill. Unfortunately for him the one man who may have been able to cure him won’t even be at the game this Sunday. Yes, Aaron Rodgers will have to miss this highly anticipated clash because he somehow got COVID even though his antibodies were heightened through homeopathic methods. It’s disappointing that the NFL wouldn’t grant him vaccinated status simply because he wasn’t vaccinated. They should have given him special treatment because of his special treatment. But that’s neither here nor there now, the fact is that he shockingly became infected with COVID and we’re all worse off for it. Not just because the entertainment level of this game has gone down, but because we’ll now have to hear Rodgers, always the smartest guy in the room, expound upon why the vaccinated people are the real idiots. Not him. The guy who asked to be considered vaccinated even though he refused to be vaccinated. 


Chiefs 23-16

Arizona at San Francisco 

The 49ers haven’t won in Levi’s Stadium since October 18th, 2020. They just can’t win at home. Reminds me of my first marriage! It’s hard to say what exactly is keeping the Niners from being victorious on their own field, but it’s safe to say their Levi’s don’t fit. Sounds like me after Thanksgiving Dinner! Speaking of Thanksgiving, it’s possible that San Fran won’t get off this home schneid until after that day upon which we eat all that turkey (I refuse to say Turkey Day). They host the Cardinals and Rams in back to back weeks before the Vikings come to town the Sunday after pre-leftovers Thursday. And depending on which Minnesota team shows up that week, it’s no guarantee the Niners get a win then either. Who knows, they could be waiting until the Texans game in January to taste victory in Santa Clara. Until then they’ll just have to seek satisfaction elsewhere. Hey, when did we start talking about my first wife again?!? 


Cardinals 27-23

Sunday Night


Tennessee at Los Angeles Rams

How will the Titans respond to Derrick Henry's absence? I'm not sure. But luckily I don't have to have a take on the Sunday night game, that's CriColl's job. And so let's turn it over to Cris Collinsworth for some dynamite insight:

I sincerely hope that last sound bite is needed this Sunday. 

Rams 31-20

Monday Night


Chicago at Pittsburgh 

The over/under for this game has been set at .5 point, and I’m not sure which way to bet it. Sure, it’s feasible that one of these teams will manage to successfully kick a field goal at some point during the game, but I wouldn’t bet my life on it. Unfortunately that’s the situation I find myself in. Based on my dismal picks the last couple weeks I’m in a great deal of debt, and now if any points are scored in this game I will be killed. But of course, they’ll have to find me to kill me! I’m going on the lam to Canada! Winnipeg to be exact. Hmm, probably shouldn’t have typed that, and definitely shouldn’t publish it. Oh well, too late now. Come and get me you cowards! (Don’t worry guys, I’m not actually going to Winnipeg, I’m going to a suburb of Winnipeg. They’ll never find me!)


Steelers 10-6