The Cowboys looked flat as all get out last week in their home loss to the Broncos. Like if they were a soda, the Cowboys team as a whole equaling one soda, all 53 men plus coaching staff and trainers, basically anyone who’s on their sideline, if all of them combined to be one carbonated, sugary beverage, if that were the case, I’d say to the waiter, did I mention that I’m at a restaurant in this scenario? If I didn’t, then consider it mentioned now, I’m at a restaurant. I would say to the waiter, when he brings me the soda made of the Cowboys team, and I’ve had a sip, “Take it back! This is too flat.” That’s how flat we’re talking here! Anyway, they’ll probably come out with more energy this week.
Cowboys 31-24
New Orleans at Tennessee
It’s the “Adrian Peterson played for those guys? Bowl.” Or at least it will be in the future. Families will gather ‘round the ol’ boob tube once every four years to watch the Saints take on the Titans and at some point the resident trivia wiz will say, “Ya know a lot of people don’t know remember this, but Adrian Peterson played for both of these teams.” And the rest of the family will go “Oh yeah.” Then little Scottie will say “Tell me more about Adrian Peterson papa.” To which the resident trivia wiz will respond, “He was also known for beating his child. A boy about your age.” This AP Bowl will be extra special since he’ll actually be playing in it. Like when Lombardi won the Super Bowl and now the trophy is named after him. Equal levels of prestige.
Titans 24-17
Jacksonville at Indianapolis
The Jags are relatively on fire. 1 win in a row! Not to mention 2 victories in their last 3 games. And what’s more, their offense has scored 16 points combined over the last two weeks. These guys can’t be stopped. It has to feel weird as an offense when you win a game scoring 9 points as Jacksonville did last week. It’s probably akin to a drunk person who got a ride home from a DD. Hey thanks man, I’ll drive next time, I swear. Then the defense rolls their eyes and shoves Trevor Lawrence out of the car.
Colts 30-16
Cleveland at New England
What do these teams have in common with each other and seven other AFC teams? They have 5 wins. That’s right nine teams in the conference have exactly 5 wins right now. That’s over half the teams in the AFC! So what gives? My theory is that all the teams met up before the season and agreed to split the conference title. It was an illegal and stupid idea, but hey that’s the AFC for ya. Illegal and stupid.
Patriots 20-17
Buffalo at New York Jets
Remember earlier when I mentioned the Jaguars winning with 9 points? That’s because they were playing the Bills, who scored 6. Makes you wonder what happened to Buffalo. And I’m still wondering, because I saw about 5 minutes of the game. I mostly kept track of it via the ticker, which I just assumed was broken, because how could the Bills not have scored a touchdown against the Jags? It’s a mystery that we’ll likely never know the answer to; I heard the league burned the tapes. Buffalo has a chance to get themselves straight this Sunday against a lowly opponent. But are the Jets lowlier than the Jags? And if the Bills lose again will they be lowliest of them all? I don’t want to go that far, but if they choke again they’ll certainly be lowly gaggers.
Bills 38-20
Detroit at Pittsburgh
On two occasions over the past few weeks I’ve picked the Lions to finally get their first win. They’ve proven me wrong in comical fashion in both such instances. By contrast, I’ve been very down on Pittsburgh ever since watching them play a full game, and they keep winning. And so I see only one, inevitable outcome here: I pick the Steelers and Detroit wins. Since I know that’s what will happen you might be wondering why I wouldn’t just pick the Lions. Don’t you see? They can’t win if I do that! I must play my humble part in this grand cosmic ballet.
Steelers 26-16
Tampa Bay at Washington
It’s a playoff rematch, and oh how the mighty have fallen. The Washington Football Team sits at a paltry 2-6, a shell of their 2020 NFC East champion selves. What has become of these once proud gladiators? Oh, um ... I just looked it up and they actually started 2-6 last year too. So hey, right on pace! Sorry about all that bombast earlier, but hey you know what they say, “Leave the bombast in the past, and let’s play some Dreamcast!” Yes, somebody’s said that before. It was in a Dreamcast commercial in which one of the friends was very verbose and boastful. Verboastful, if you will. Yes, I expected that you wouldn’t.
Buccaneers 34-22
Sunday Afternoon
Carolina at Arizona
This week Sam Darnold was diagnosed with a fracture in his shoulder. I’m guessing he asked the team doctor to do him a solid and say that he’s been playing with the fracture for weeks now. And then maybe add in that Darnold is the toughest man he’s ever met. The type of man you’d want your daughter to marry some day, if you had a daughter. The doctor in question doesn’t. And actually, now that he’s thinking about it he wouldn’t even want to assume that his hypothetical daughter would be interested in a heterosexual relationship, or the concept of marriage for that matter. Shame on you Sam Darnold for presuming so.
Cardinals 28-18
Minnesota at Los Angeles Chargers
This season the Vikings have taken the Chargers mantle as “team that plays nothing but close games and usually does something stupid to lose them in the end.” It’s a title I’m guessing the Chargers don’t mind relinquishing, though part of me wonders if running up against these volatile Vikings will spark that wild spirit within them and result in the kookiest game of the year. I guess you could compare it to an addict relapsing, but I’d rather not. Man you are twisted!
Chargers 38-35
Philadelphia at Denver
This is the Eagles’ last chance to beat an AFC West team in 2021. They’re 0-3 so far, and I happen to know that Philly’s top goal this season was to get at least one win against that division. If they don’t manage to get it this week the whole campaign will have been an abject failure. And also if they don’t start winning more games in general the season will be an actual failure. As opposed to a failure by the phony criteria I just made up. Oh so what? I lied. This ain’t as easy as it looks pal, sometimes you just have to make stuff up. This was the only example of that in the 10+ years I’ve been writing this post though, so cut me some slack.
Broncos 23-20
Seattle at Green Bay
Before he signed with the Rams on Thursday, these two teams were rumored to be in the running to acquire Odell Beckham Jr. It seemed like he was pretty torn on where to go, so I thought a nice compromise/solution would have been for him to sign with both teams for the week and play all-time offense. Whichever team won would get him for the rest of the season. Unfortunately when OBJ would pass out in the fourth quarter due to exhaustion both teams would be so disgusted that they’d no longer be interested in his services The training staff would just toss him an IV bag and a needle and tell him to get lost. And get this, when they do the toss the needle punctures the IV bag, so Beckham’s faced with a real ticking clock. Poor guy. Anyway, I wish him luck in LA, I’m sure he’ll he be very satisfied with all the touches he’s bound to get.
The Rams were one of four teams to lose while scoring 16 points last week. The Niners themselves scored 17 in a loss. What does it mean?!? Probably nothing, but I might as well pick accordingly.
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