NFL Picks Week 4

Sunday Morning

Detroit @ Dallas

Dating back to last season the Cowboys have played 9 consecutive games decided by 3 points or less, amassing a 5-4 record in that span. That may be a fairly well known stat at this point but it doesn't make it any less remarkable; and no, I don't mean the 5-4 part. Contrast that with the fact that the Seahawks, before last week, had not played a 3 point game in their last 15 contests, including the playoffs and it seems even more amazing. I know what you're thinking, if every Hawks' game is as exciting as last week's I don't know if I'd be able to handle it! There's no reason to bet against the Cowboys' streak coming to an end here, but I'm not betting against the Lions' streak either.

Lions 30-27

Carolina @ Chicago

As much crap as I give Tarvaris Jackson I still think I'd honestly take him as my QB over Cutler, I just can't stand that guy. I mean with Jakcson at least I have a guy I respec ... at least I have a guy that doesn't constantly look like a douche. I wish I could take the Panthers, but they were underwhelming last week against the Jags, so I'll just stick with the sourpuss (which I may start calling Cutler from now on, unless anybody posts a better nickname; and don't try Cu*tler, that's just too vulgar, even for this site).

Bears 21-14

Buffalo @ Cincinnati

Like I said last week, I'm fully on-board the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon. BUT I didn't have the guts to pick him and the Bills to beat the Pats. Well, now I'm not going to be afraid anymore, I'll throw caution to the wind and say that they beat the Bengals!

Bills 28-16

Tennessee @ Cleveland

Is it weird that Hasselbeck is my favorite player in the league, including the Seahawks? Of course, part of the reason might be that it's much easier to get behind him now that I don't have to worry about the consequences if he makes mistakes because I don't care about the Titans. And it's in that vain of blind optimism for Hass that I will pick the Titans on the road over the mighty Browns.

Titans 20-13

Minnesota @ Kansas City

The Vikings have now blown double-digit leads in each of their first three games. If I didn't know any better I'd say these guys have Bobby Ayala playing QB in the second half (never forget). It sounds as if Minnesota is actually going to keep giving Adrian Peterson the ball this week so I'm going to pick them here. Don't screw me on this Ayala.

Vikings 23-17

Washington @ St. Louis

If St. Louis is really expecting the 12th Ram to be the loudest fanbase in the NFL, they'll have to put up a better effort on the field than they did last Sunday. Although, the Rams really shouldn't be blamed on that one, I mean when Torrey Smith is on the opposing team you know you're going to have a tough time winning. In all fairness, the Rams have had a very difficult schedule to start out the season, and I don't much like their chances this week either.

Redskins 19-12

New Orleans @ Jacksonville

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that David Garrard shows up in the Jags' locker room, looks Jack Del Rio in the eye and tells him, "I've seen enough, pay me what you want, but I'm playing today." All Del Rio will be able to do is give him a steely glare and nod his head. Garrard will proceed to throw for 143 yards and turn the ball over 5 times. Del Rio will offer him cab fare home.

Saints 31-17

Pittsburgh @ Houston

The Texans let a big win get away from them last week. It's too bad for them that Ben Roethlisberger's not their quarterback, because he never let's anything get away, no matter how hard she struggles. Hey, it's my first Roethlisberger rape joke of the season! I think. I honestly can't remember if I've already made one. Anyway, the Steelers have not been impressive, so I'm taking Houston.

Texans 28-21

San Francisco @ Philadelphia

After last week's impressive 13-8 win over the Bengals I can no longer deny the fact that the Niners are a team on the rise. In fact, they're probably tops in the league. And with that in mind, I will be picking to win all of their remaining games. That being said, I'm going with the Eagles in this one; I expect Vick to play, and more importantly I expect Alex Smith to play.

Eagles 24-16

Sunday Afternoon

New York Giants @ Arizona

It was a little perplexing to see Kevin Kolb run around the field last week celebrating after throwing one of the worst passes in recent memory. Of course, it was no more ill-advised than Eli Manning's famous Super Bowl throw to David Tyree, so maybe Kolb's got what it takes. The real subplot of this game is everybody's favorite kicker Jay Feely playing against his former team only one week after having his confidence shattered once again in Seattle. Seriously, how great was it to see him miss another 49-yarder short? It brought back so many good memories.

Giants 24-20

Atlanta @ Seattle

It's now clear that Turd-varis just didn't like throwing to any of the other Seahawks receivers, but with Sidney Rice back he has someone he trusts to catch his shitty passes. Speaking of which, Big T managed to score the winning touchdown with his legs last week with a whirling finish that many referred to as Elway-like. Of course, this play wasn't in the Super Bowl like Elway's, but it was a Cards/Hawks game in September, which is about as close as you can get. As for this game I see no scenario in which the sputtering Falcons get healthy against the Hawks. No chance.

Seahawks 20-17

Miami @ San Diego

I can only describe the Dolphins' road loss to the Browns last week as troubling. Then again, they let it slip away late and I don't think that totally puts an end to Miami's bi-polar ways, so I'm taking them in an upset.

Dolphins 20-17

New England @ Oakland

These have been two of the most exciting teams in the league so far this season. I say that trend continues here, because, as far as I can tell, both defenses are very suspect and Wes Welker is due for a 40 point fantasy week here at some point.

Patriots 38-31

Denver @ Green Bay

The Packers are a good football team, the same can not be said for the Broncos.

Packers 35-16

Sunday Night

New York Jets @ Baltimore

These teams have both been a bit of an enigma so far, looking both very good and very shaky at times. So it stands to reason that this game should tell us a lot about both teams. Or maybe it won't, because football is CAA-RAAAAAZY! I mean just look at the ball, that thing's cooky lookin'. Not really much of a ball at all, more of a spheroid. And how often do they even use their feet? Ha, whatever!

Ravens 16-13

Monday Night

Indianapolis @ Tampa Bay

It's time for the people of Tampa to meet the Bucs! This will be the first Buccaneers game televised in the area this year regardless of whether or not they sell it out simply because it's Monday Night Football. This is a shame because I was really hoping that the Tampa fans could make it an all Stinger year; sounds like WCW circa '92! My dream is also doomed because of a Saturday night NFL Network game in December. But if the city of Tampa manages to Sting the other 6 home games I'll have no problem deeming them the worst fans in the league. Ya hear that 12th Ram? Alright, let's slow clap this out.

Bucs 27-10


NFL Picks Week 3

Boo-ya! Homeboy bounced back with a 12-4 mark last week. Yes, I referred to myself as homeboy, I thought it was kind of cool. No? Hmm. Alright homeboy, in that case let's get to the picks.

Sunday Morning

Houston @ New Orleans

Did you know that the Texans are the closest team geographically to the Saints? So why aren't these two heated rivals? Well, they've only played twice before, so that's why. You're not going to start with those dumb shit questions again are you? We were doing so well so far this season.

Saints 31-26

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

The most important player in this game? Giants punter Steve Weatherford. Just kidding, I wanted to make a stupid, bold statement to get attention like an analyst on ESPN or the NFL Network (Ouch! Take that suckers!). In all seriousness though, I'm guessing that if he punts to DeSean Jackson Tom Coughlin will cut him on site. Not kick him off the team, but actually cut him. Anyway, I expect Vick to play, and cause multiple cramps in Giants defenders, which means the Eagles will win.

Eagles 30-22

Jacksonville @ Carolina

We all thought it might be possible that Cam Newton would throw for 850 yards before he got his first NFL win, but I figured that stat wouldn't be applicable until Week 7. But this is a man that likes to act quickly, like when he managed to go from eligible to ineligible back to eligible in less than 24 hours last year at Auburn. But hey, enough jokes about Cam's past (for this week), let's think about the present. I say Newton gets that first W.

Panthers 24-17

New England @ Buffalo

I'm fully on board the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon, and I have been since before the season when I fantasy drafted him as my second quarterback and then didn't have the balls to start him in either of the first two games. Well he's starting now! And because it's the 2011 NFL season expect to see over 800 combined pass yards in this one. Yes, it's possible that 750 of those will come from Tom Brady, but I have confidence that ol' Fitz will have a big game. Side note: also on the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon, every gay man in the Buffalo area named Patrick (according to the 2010 Census there was 1, but there are probably 2 by now).

Patriots 41-35

Miami @ Cleveland

It's a dream come true for the Dolphins to get out of SunLife Stadium, where they've lost 11 of their last 12. Now they're back on the road where they went 6-2 last season. Of course, this was a trend that I sniffed out in Week 4 last year, so I have no choice but to pick Miami. And yes, I realize that I have repeatedly patted myself on the back for this, but it's the most right I've been about anything I've written in these weekly picks, so until the Dolphins change things up you'll keep hearing about it.

Dolphins 19-16

San Francisco @ Cincinnati

Battle of the Titans here. Well, not really, they're playing in the next game, also these teams are both pretty lousy. However, the Bengals have shown fight, and the Niners managed to beat the Hawks somehow so I guess they're not the worst teams in the league. On an unrelated topic it's great to see Jerome Simpson carrying on the proud Bengals tradition of off the field legal issues. Always encouraging when a rookie steps up like this and puts the team on his shoulders, what an inspiration.

Bengals 21-18

Denver @ Tennessee

Matthew, I'm so sorry I ever doubted you. Of course you were going to shred the Ravens' D last week, if anything I was just trying to motivate you further. Anyway, I've learned my lesson and I'm guessing that the rest of the league has to. That is, if anybody watched the Titans/Ravens game last week; I know I didn't, but I saw the stats! And MH looked great!

Titans 23-13

Detroit @ Minnesota

So everybody who thought the Lions would be good this year feels pretty happy with themselves right now. Well not so fast! My level-headed pick of the week says that Jared Allen will injure Matthew Stafford during this game, contributing to the Vikings' first win of the year. Then, when Stafford is carted off the field, Allen will ride with him the whole way tastelessly doing his calf-roping motion and playing to the crowd.

Vikings 23-20

Sunday Afternoon

Baltimore @ St. Louis

It should be interesting to see how Rams fans respond after having a full week to study the Ram Rules. Now that everyone in the stadium knows what a sack is opposing players probably won't be able to hear themselves think. Now the producers of that video may want to make one for the players themselves, with a special focus on what happens to a pass when it goes backwards, it's obvious some of them are still confused. To sum it up, what a pathetic franchise.

Ravens 30-13

New York Jets @ Oakland

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Heidi game will never be brought up once during this game (or by Chris Berman this weekend). However, when the game runs long CBS will make an exception and actually start 60 Minutes on time.

Jets 21-16

Kansas City @ San Diego

The Chiefs have lost their games by an average of 45-5 this year. What a bunch of sucks, a legit team could average at least 8.5 points a game. Though to be fair they've had to deal with a multitude of blown knees this season. There's a great oral sex joke to be made there, but I'm going to leave it up to you the reader(s) to post your own, go get 'em!

Chargers 45-5

Arizona @ Seattle

Obviously Turd-varis has not been great, but it also seems like the play calling hasn't really given him a chance to do much. Either that or the T man just checks down on every play because he knows he can't make throws down field. Ok, now that I think about it the second one seems more likely. I say this week it's time to throw caution to the wind, because if the Hawks can't win this one it's probably just time to start wishing us Luck.

Seahawks 22-13

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay

Both of these teams made such impressive comebacks last week that Wilmer Valderamma has asked them to appear on the new season of "Yo Momma." Only later was it explained to Valderamma that "Yo Momma" has been cancelled for five years. As for this game, it's obvious that it will be pointless to watch until the 4th quarter, at which point the teams will exchange seven or eight scoring drives.

Bucs 24-21

Green Bay @ Chicago

There's no way Jay Cutler will be able to leave this game right? I mean even if he's seriously injured he'll be obligated to stay in because of what happened in their last match-up. And if Cutler does try to come out I envision a lumberjack match-like scenario in which his teammates on the sideline force him to stay on the field. At the end of the game Cutler will be left a quivering mass at midfield shouting to the crowd and the rest of the Bears, "Are you happy now!? Is this what you wanted!?" Of course, the answer from everyone will be a resounding yes.

Packers 28-20

Sunday Night

Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis

Much was made about the opening week match-up between the past two Super Bowl winners, but here we have the past two Super Bowl losers! I don't have much of a point here, I just wanted to remind myself that the Steelers lost the Super Bowl last year. What a bunch of fartfaces.

Steelers 28-9

Monday Night

Washington @ Dallas

A lot of talk has been made about DeAngelo Hall saying he is going to go after Tony Romo's ribs in this game. It certainly sounds like a bold statement, however, I believe he was misquoted; what he actually said was that after the game was he was going to go to Tony Roma's for ribs. No word yet on whether he will opt for Carolina Honeys or Blueridge Smokies. While some folks may not agree with his choice of restaurant it's clear that Hall and the rest of the Redskins are hungry. Couple that with the fact that I don't think Romo will last the game if he does play and I'm taking Washington.

Redskins 20-17


NFL Picks Week 2

So it was a bit of an uneven start to the season for me as I posted a 9-7 mark out of the gates. But hey, that's good enough to make the playoffs on occasion, and in some cases it classifies as downright running away with the division. Nevertheless, I'm sure I will make better picks this time around because I've seen every team play once, and I now know everything I need to about each and every squad. I can not and will not be fooled!

Sunday Morning

Kansas City @ Detroit

I don't know what to make of this one.

Lions 24-21

Oakland @ Buffalo

We could be looking at a preview of the AFC Championship game with this one. I thought the Bills had a chance at the upset last week but their 41-7 shellacking of the Chiefs was more than even Chris Berman could have dreamed of. By the way, I think I should pause to recognize Chris Berman's 25th year of NFL Primetime, and his 9th year of being completely insufferable. You're still the one, still crazy after all these years, what a long strange trip it's been, desperado, peaceful easy feeling, take it easy ...

Bills 28-24

Tampa Bay @ Minnesota

As it turns out, my statement from last week about Donovan McNabb not being able to throw very far was fairly accurate. He threw for 39 yards in the loss at San Diego. That's 117 feet. Meanwhile, the Bucs disappointed the fans in Tampa that actually decided to show up with a lackluster performance against the Lions for the second year in a row. So which team is ready to bounce back? I'll guess Minnesota. Hopefully McNabb has found the rest of the playbook by then (I'm assuming that when McNabb signed with the team they hid the playbook from him, just for fun and he's been on a National Treasure-like search for the pages ever since. That's the only way to explain 39 yards.).

Vikings 19-16

Chicago @ New Orleans

Hey, maybe these Bears don't suck! Nah, I'd still prefer to think that they suck. At the very least, they're not as good as they pretended to be in Week 1. I'll pick the Saints to win their home-opener, and if they lose I'll proclaim that Jay Cutler is awesome. Scratch that, I'll proclaim that Cutler is awesome if he smiles, just once. I know someone who could help him with that.

Saints 28-17

Baltimore @ Tennessee

I have to admit that I'm worried about Matthew in this one. The Ravens D was impressive last week, while Hass looked a little rusty. But if there's one thing we've learned about MH over the years it's that when he's doubted is when he's most dangerous ... as long as he's going up against the NFC West or the Saints secondary. Sadly, the Ravens fall completely outside that Venn diagram.

Ravens 26-10

Cleveland @ Indianapolis

What's more disheartening than losing Peyton Manning? How about losing at home to Andy Dalton and the Bengals. What's more disheartening than losing at home to Andy Dalton and the Bengals? Kano's finishing maneuver, which is literally dis-heartening.

Browns 17-16

Jacksonville @ New York Jets

Honestly, I'm not sure whether it's Luke or Josh McCown starting at quarterback for the Jags. Furthermore, I'm not sure Jack Del Rio knows either, he just knows that whichever one it is he's cheaper than David Garrard. Which is ironic, because my sources in Jacksonville informed me that Garrard is a notoriously bad tipper.

Jets 21-10

Seattle @ Pittsburgh

First the NFL made a rule in the offseason that no team from the East coast will have to travel to the West coast to play more than twice in a year, meaning that even though the last time the Hawks played the Steelers it was in Pittsburgh, Seattle will again be the visitor on Sunday. Now the league has assigned Bill Leavy, yes that Bill Leavy to officiate Sunday's match-up. Does the NFL really think they need to conspire against the Seahawks to ensure that they'll lose? Well , I do! Those bastards. Here's hoping that Leroy and Trufant arrange to high-low Leavy on the first play of the game resulting in a situation similar to this. That should level the playing field as far as officiating is concerned and clear the way for a Hawks' W.

Seahawks 20-17

Arizona @ Washington

The Cardinals helped make Cam Newton look like a Pro Bowler last week, and now they have to deal with Rex Grossman who kind of just looks like a pro bowler.

Redskins 24-13

Green Bay @ Carolina

Speaking of Newton, the only thing getting overlooked in his remarkable Week 1 performance is the fact that the Panthers lost the game. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if ESPN just declared Carolina 1-0 at this point, it would make for a better story. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is a sicko, although, it's still debatable whether the Niners made the right choice when they took Alex Smith over him. Whoops! Gotcha Niners!

Packers 35-17

Sunday Afternoon

Dallas @ San Francisco

The thing that really bothered me about the Hawks/Niners game was Alex Smith's fat face thinking he got one over on us. Seriously though, you know you're a bad quarterback when everyone is pleasantly surprised that you didn't throw an interception. Congrats buddy. In case you haven't figured it out, I wasn't impressed with the Niners' performance last week, so there's no way I can pick them (and no, I wouldn't have picked them no matter what).

Cowboys 27-14

San Diego @ New England

It's ironic that the Patriots are playing the Chargers one week after Tom Brady's spectacular Monday night performance, because it has been compared to the classic performances of former San Diego quarterback Dan Fouts by Dan Fouts. To be fair I'm just guessing he said that, I do not mind putting words in peoples' mouths. In all honesty though, wasn't Brady's night made only average due to his terrible Uggs commercial? Can we just say it at this point? Tom Brady is not a cool guy. He repeatedly does awful advertisements in which he looks totally unnatural, not to mention this and this. I'm pretty sure that second one is Pete. As lame as he might be, Brady is still very good at football, which is one of the reasons why New England will win this game.

Patriots 28-23

Houston @ Miami

Luckily for the Dolphins, they get to start the season off with back to back home games. Did I say "luckily?" I meant to say "disastrously." I wish I could go back and delete that but I have one rule when I write these things, and I borrowed it from this guy. Anyway, I'd pick anybody against Miami in Miami, plus these Texans looked sharp last week, and it's not yet November so they can still win a game.

Texans 30-21

Cincinnati @ Denver

Here's another opportunity for Broncos fans to sound like morons and chant for Tim Tebow. They know he's the third-stringer right? They've got to go through Quinn just to get to him. They should try a new strategy: chant for Quinn, then when he's put in, immediately start chanting for Tebow. At least this way it makes sense chronologically. I'd like to take Cincinnati in this one, but one thing is troubling me, why hasn't Andy Dalton had black stripes dyed into his orange hair? This is a no-brainer right? Maybe he's waiting for the playoffs that they won't get to.

Broncos 16-13

Sunday Night

Philadelphia @ Atlanta

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that NBC will miss out on a huge storyline when they fail to mention the fact that Michael Vick used to play for the Atlanta Falcons.

Eagles 28-20

Monday Night

St. Louis @ New York Giants

To preview this game I decided to leave it to one of the men who will call the game, take it away Jaws: "Thanks Erik. Shit the Rams had a lot of injuries last week, but that's just something that teams have to deal with in the National Football League. Shit, meanwhile the Giants did not impress in their Week 1 loss to the Redskins. Shit, they played like crap. Shit, I guess it's time to make my pack, and I'm taking the New York National Football League Giants." Thanks Jaws, you filthy son of a bitch. By the way Ron Jaworski sent me an e-mail shortly after sending his preview apologizing for the inappropriate language he used, but in truth he used a few curse words in that message too, so I decided not to run it.

Giants 27-17


NFL Picks Week 1

So the lockout ended in time for the season to begin on schedule, and everybody seems to be pretty happy about it. Well I'm NOT! I figured the season wouldn't start until October, so I wasted the Summer chasin' tail and not thinking up any good football jokes. Oh well, here's my best effort on short notice.

Thursday Night

New Orleans @ Green Bay

It's the match-up of the last two Super Bowl champions, at least that's what I'm told, I usually stop watching football after the Seahawks are out of the running. And if you think you've seen me at a Super Bowl party, you may have, but I was actually staring just above the screen the whole time. Now you're probably thinking, "But Erik, that's impossible, you gave such keen insight during the game." I can't help it, I don't even know how to explain it; I just get the game and I always have something interesting to say . Alright as for this game ... um, I don't ... uh ... those quarterbacks are pretty good huh? I looked into it and the defending Super Bowl champs have won their season opener in each of the last 11 years. The last time it didn't happen was the '99 Broncos and they went from John Elway to Brian Griese, so that explains that.

Packers 24-19

Sunday Morning

Atlanta @ Chicago

Can you believe that only weeks away from what could have been one of the biggest days of Jay Cutler's life he just quit, this coward let down the people that trusted him most in this world. Poor Kristin Cavilari. ZING! Pulled the ol' switcheroo. Anyway, Cutler sucks, Bears suck, Falcons should be good again. I took that quote right from Sports Illustrated.

Falcons 20-13

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

Does anybody else find it extremely ironic that the whitest backfield in the league belongs to a team named the Browns? Even their fullback is white. It's like Holmgren made a bet with Larry Bird to see who could field a pro sports team with more white dudes. None of what I just said is racist, because I'm white. Anyway, the Bengals should be pretty awful.

Browns 24-10

Buffalo @ Kansas City

The Bills have finally changed their uniforms to resemble their throwbacks that everyone agreed looked way better than their new unis. I heard they were going to apply the same logic to lure Thurman Thomas out of retirement, but he refused because he's still upset about the worst statue of all time. I think they'll ride their new duds to an upset win this week. Why? Because I just don't give a fuck.

Bills 23-20

Philadelphia @ St. Louis

If you listen to Vince Young, and I always do, the Eagles are a dream team. I think I agree with him, but it's more like the underwhelming "Dream Team" that played in the 2000 Olympics and only beat teams by like eight points. So, in other words, I'll be picking the Eagles to win all of their games this year by eight points.

Eagles 31-23

Detroit @ Tampa Bay

Last year's surprise team, Tampa, versus this year's surprise team, Detroit. I'm sure you're all aware, but the Lions have already gone 10-6 this season, it's been written enough places that it's already happened. Never mind the fact that Matthew Stafford has only played 7 quarters as a pro QB. The Lions have definitely been this offseason's "it" team, but from now on people in the media shouldn't be so boisterous about it, or else it becomes a hackneyed opinion. Me, I'm going to keep it quiet, very quiet; in fact, the Lions are my "ssshhhhhh" it team.

Buccaneers 23-16

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

They said he was washed up. He thought he could go home again, but they turned him away too. When it looks like it's all over and there's nowhere left to turn you don't get angry, you don't get back, you get HASSLEBECK! Coming this fall.

Titans 20-17

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

Can't get enough of these two! They're playing for the 21st time in the last 4 years and with each meeting it just gets more intense. Except when it's Week 1, then it probably won't matter too much.

Ravens 14-13

Indianapolis @ Houston

It looks like Peyton is going to be out this week. If this were women's basketball he would be allowed to come out on the first play in a neck brace and take a knee just so that his streak could continue. But alas, this isn't women's basketball, if it were I'd spend a lot more time making the picks. But I say No Peyton? No problem! Wait, whoops, I meant to say: No Peyton? Oh fuck!

Texans 28-10

New York Giants @ Washington

John Beck and Rex Grossman, is there a worse battle for a starting QB job? Wait, don't answer that. Actually do answer it, I want to hear you say the words, Say it!!! (Sobbing violently)

Giants 17-10

Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ San Francisco

The dawn of Turd-varis is upon us! Run to your family, tell them you love them. Run to your bank, get all your money out. Run to your priest, tell him about how many times you streamed Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough on Netflix. My point is, we could be headed towards a reckoning. But for Week 1 I reckon we'll beat these jerk-offs!

Seahawks 24-0

Minnesota @ San Diego

Norv Turner swears that this season the Chargers will get off to a fast start, but I trust Norv Turner about as far as I can throw him. And, in case, you're wondering that's about 2 feet 4 inches, which I found out at this Summer's annual Norv Turner Throwing Contest. That being said, I trust Donovan McNabb about as far as he can throw a football, which is sadly even a shorter distance than I can throw Norv Turner.

Chargers 30-14

Carolina @ Arizona

My Wacky Pick of the Week says that during this game Cam Newton's father is interviewed by Charissa Thompson who mentions Cam's signing bonus, at which point Cecil Newton's head will explode. He wasn't aware that there was a number higher than 180,000.

Cardinals 23-7

Sunday Night

Dallas @ New York Jets

There are so many people I like in this game: Rex, Romo, Smiles, etc.. I don't know who to cheer for loudest! I'll probably just spend the whole game screaming (This may also have something to do with Tarvaris Jackson's inaugural game as a Seahawk earlier in the day).

Jets 17-14

Monday Night

New England @ Miami

The Patriots have won their last 7 openers, and Miami was awful at home last year. Do I smell an upset ........... stomach? Yes. I've been farting for hours. Do I smell an upset in this game? Absolutely not.

Patriots 30-13

Oakland @ Denver

I actually understand why ESPN and the NFL would want this game to be the second Monday night game, it's because most viewers will not be familiar with two Monday night games, and they'll most likely turn off the TV before this even comes on. This will save the league some serious embarrassment.

Broncos 20-16