So the lockout ended in time for the season to begin on schedule, and everybody seems to be pretty happy about it. Well I'm NOT! I figured the season wouldn't start until October, so I wasted the Summer chasin' tail and not thinking up any good football jokes. Oh well, here's my best effort on short notice.
New Orleans @ Green Bay
It's the match-up of the last two Super Bowl champions, at least that's what I'm told, I usually stop watching football after the Seahawks are out of the running. And if you think you've seen me at a Super Bowl party, you may have, but I was actually staring just above the screen the whole time. Now you're probably thinking, "But Erik, that's impossible, you gave such keen insight during the game." I can't help it, I don't even know how to explain it; I just get the game and I always have something interesting to say . Alright as for this game ... um, I don't ... uh ... those quarterbacks are pretty good huh? I looked into it and the defending Super Bowl champs have won their season opener in each of the last 11 years. The last time it didn't happen was the '99 Broncos and they went from John Elway to Brian Griese, so that explains that.
Atlanta @ Chicago
Can you believe that only weeks away from what could have been one of the biggest days of Jay Cutler's life he just quit, this coward let down the people that trusted him most in this world. Poor Kristin Cavilari. ZING! Pulled the ol' switcheroo. Anyway, Cutler sucks, Bears suck, Falcons should be good again. I took that quote right from Sports Illustrated.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Does anybody else find it extremely ironic that the whitest backfield in the league belongs to a team named the Browns? Even their fullback is white. It's like Holmgren made a bet with Larry Bird to see who could field a pro sports team with more white dudes. None of what I just said is racist, because I'm white. Anyway, the Bengals should be pretty awful.
Buffalo @ Kansas City
The Bills have finally changed their uniforms to resemble their throwbacks that everyone agreed looked way better than their new unis. I heard they were going to apply the same logic to lure Thurman Thomas out of retirement, but he refused because he's still upset about the worst statue of all time. I think they'll ride their new duds to an upset win this week. Why? Because I just don't give a fuck.
Philadelphia @ St. Louis
If you listen to Vince Young, and I always do, the Eagles are a dream team. I think I agree with him, but it's more like the underwhelming "Dream Team" that played in the 2000 Olympics and only beat teams by like eight points. So, in other words, I'll be picking the Eagles to win all of their games this year by eight points.
Detroit @ Tampa Bay
Last year's surprise team, Tampa, versus this year's surprise team, Detroit. I'm sure you're all aware, but the Lions have already gone 10-6 this season, it's been written enough places that it's already happened. Never mind the fact that Matthew Stafford has only played 7 quarters as a pro QB. The Lions have definitely been this offseason's "it" team, but from now on people in the media shouldn't be so boisterous about it, or else it becomes a hackneyed opinion. Me, I'm going to keep it quiet, very quiet; in fact, the Lions are my "ssshhhhhh" it team.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville
They said he was washed up. He thought he could go home again, but they turned him away too. When it looks like it's all over and there's nowhere left to turn you don't get angry, you don't get back, you get HASSLEBECK! Coming this fall.
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
Can't get enough of these two! They're playing for the 21st time in the last 4 years and with each meeting it just gets more intense. Except when it's Week 1, then it probably won't matter too much.
Indianapolis @ Houston
It looks like Peyton is going to be out this week. If this were women's basketball he would be allowed to come out on the first play in a neck brace and take a knee just so that his streak could continue. But alas, this isn't women's basketball, if it were I'd spend a lot more time making the picks. But I say No Peyton? No problem! Wait, whoops, I meant to say: No Peyton? Oh fuck!
New York Giants @ Washington
John Beck and Rex Grossman, is there a worse battle for a starting QB job? Wait, don't answer that. Actually do answer it, I want to hear you say the words, Say it!!! (Sobbing violently)
Seattle @ San Francisco
The dawn of Turd-varis is upon us! Run to your family, tell them you love them. Run to your bank, get all your money out. Run to your priest, tell him about how many times you streamed Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough on Netflix. My point is, we could be headed towards a reckoning. But for Week 1 I reckon we'll beat these jerk-offs!
Minnesota @ San Diego
Norv Turner swears that this season the Chargers will get off to a fast start, but I trust Norv Turner about as far as I can throw him. And, in case, you're wondering that's about 2 feet 4 inches, which I found out at this Summer's annual Norv Turner Throwing Contest. That being said, I trust Donovan McNabb about as far as he can throw a football, which is sadly even a shorter distance than I can throw Norv Turner.
Carolina @ Arizona
My Wacky Pick of the Week says that during this game Cam Newton's father is interviewed by Charissa Thompson who mentions Cam's signing bonus, at which point Cecil Newton's head will explode. He wasn't aware that there was a number higher than 180,000.
Dallas @ New York Jets
There are so many people I like in this game: Rex, Romo, Smiles, etc.. I don't know who to cheer for loudest! I'll probably just spend the whole game screaming (This may also have something to do with Tarvaris Jackson's inaugural game as a Seahawk earlier in the day).
New England @ Miami
The Patriots have won their last 7 openers, and Miami was awful at home last year. Do I smell an upset ........... stomach? Yes. I've been farting for hours. Do I smell an upset in this game? Absolutely not.
Oakland @ Denver
I actually understand why ESPN and the NFL would want this game to be the second Monday night game, it's because most viewers will not be familiar with two Monday night games, and they'll most likely turn off the TV before this even comes on. This will save the league some serious embarrassment.