Other

Last week I stumbled upon something so egregious and atrocious that looking at it almost made me physically ill. No, it wasn't John Lackey's face; instead it was:

Sports Illustrated's list of the "50 Greatest Sports Movies of All-Time."

I put the name of their list in quotes because, in actuality, this list is nowhere near what would be considered by sane human beings to be the best sports movies of all-time. As we all know, Major League is the best sports movie ever. And it would be natural to assume that SI felt the same. However, they did not give it the top spot, nor did they give it a spot at all. That's right, they left Major League off the list of the 50 Greatest Sports Movies of All-Time! I honestly had to check it 3 or 4 times just to make sure I didn't miss it, but no, it's not on there.

According to SI, Major League isn't quite as good as gems like:

-Searching for Bobby Fischer

-Rollerball

-Remember the Titans &

-Any Given Sunday

Not to mention about ten movies I'd never heard of, including one called: The Goalie's Anxiety at the Penalty Kick. Catchy title.

This list also contributes to the glorification of two of the most overrated sports movies ever: Slapshot and Hoosiers (5th and 6th, respectively). Look, I've got no problem with either of these flicks, they're both pretty solid, but they're definitely not as great as everybody seems to think they are. Slapshot is mildly funny, but certainly not the raucous laughfest I was led to believe; and, needless to say, it's nowhere near Major League in terms of outright hilarity. As for Hoosiers, I don't know, I guess I just didn't get it. After watching it, I couldn't see why anybody would think it's the best sports movie of all-time, unless you were an Indiana high school basketball player, or lame ... which I guess go hand-in-hand (Zing! Take that Indiana high schoolers, you effing losers!)

Here's another problem, they ranked Caddyshack 17th and left Rudy off the list altogether. Caddyshack is what Slapshot wishes it was (even though I think the latter was released a couple years earlier). And how can you leave Rudy off the list!? Inexcusable. Look, I don't cry while watching movies, but I'll tell you that after Rudy makes the sack and Roc starts to walk away and gives the little fist pump, well I was fighting 'em back.

After looking at this list and regaining my compsure I checked to see who had compiled this crime against humanity so that I could seek him out and start booing him constantly for at least 2 weeks. Then I found out that the list was put together by the "SI Staff." What!? There were multiple people sitting around and NONE of them saw fit to include Major League!

I'm cancelling my subscription.

Other

The worst thing I saw this week hasn't happened yet. Maybe that was a little confusing. What I meant to say was that it was an upcoming event that I first heard about this week. Maybe that was even more confusing. Why don't we cut to the chase:



Brandon Morrow Bobblehead Night.





I'm sure you've all heard of it already, but I felt someone had to point out the absolute absurdity of this. (Here's the link in case you want more info.) Now I know we've been getting on poor ol' B-Mor pretty hard lately, but c'mon. What does a guy have to do for a team to cancel a bobblehead night? Would one more blown save have done the trick? The website advertises that the first 20,000 fans will receive a miniature Morrow, but will that many people actually show up? I think this promotion may actually result in an attendance drop. Here's my guess of what a hypothetical convo might be like:

A: Hey wanna go to the game on Friday?
B: No.
A: C'mon I've got free tickets.
B: The money wasn't the problem, I just don't want one of those fucking bobbleheads.

In essence, the Mariners are now penalizing fans for coming out to the ballpark. Another scenario may arise in which tens of thousands of fans wait outside the stadium in an attempt to NOT be one of the first 20,000 people through the gates. This standoff may last throughout the entire game, causing Safeco to be completely empty. Well, maybe Dale Shit will be there, but that's about it.

Another question I have would be about the movement of the head. Normally, a bobblehead faces forward and bobbles back and forth; however, I suggest that Morrow's should pivot over his shoulder so that he can watch another home run he gave up sail over the fence.

The preposterousness doesn't stop with this promotion however, there's also a Franklin Gutierrez bobblehead give-away on July 24th. Look, I love Goots as much as the next guy, but does he deserve this? I think not. So where does it stop? Where do the M's draw the line? Having a bobblehead made in your likeness used to mean something, now you basically get one when you sign with the team. Which reminds me, make sure you all head to the ballpark on September 18th for Dustin Ackley Bobblehead Night!

Other

The worst thing I saw while watching baseball this week actually happened earlier today, and it was:

Daniel Murphy's base-running.

The Mets' rookie outfielder put on a sparkling display of ineptitude during the Top of the 2nd inning in the Mets' loss to the Pirates. To his credit, Murphy actually hit an RBI single to get aboard, which showed a semblance of baseball acumen. This is the point were Jerry Manuel should have sent in a pinch-runner so as to save young Murphy from embarrassing himself. Instead, Murphy remained in the game and the following occurred:

After a pitch or two, Pittsburgh attempted a pick off move to first. replays clearly showed that Murphy was tagged out, however, the 1st base ump called him safe, allowing him to try to go from 1st to 3rd on a base a hit to left a few pitches later. As the throw came in from the outfield Murphy slid in to 3rd. Replays clearly showed that Murphy had once again been thrown out, however, the 3rd base ump decided it would be funny if Murphy stayed on base (I guess) so he called him safe. With men on 1st and 3rd and one out, the next batter hit a grounder to the left side, and Murphy (sigh) decided to head home. This time, the umps couldn't save him seeing as how he was gunned down by a good 10 feet. At this point, Keith Hernandez, the Mets' color man, couldn't help it, and he started laughing hysterically for a good 20 seconds. While still laughing, he managed to say, "I'm sorry, but that's funny. They got him out three times." (That's a paraphrase, but it's the best I could remember)

So, just to recap, Murphy could have accounted for all three outs by himself. Most people would say he was running around like a "chicken with his head cut off." I would say that he ran around like a chicken who had a head, a head that was filled with the brain of a dumbshit. It reminded me of a little leaguer who just keeps running around the bases because the defense keeps making errors and they can't get him out. Except, in this case, they did get him out ... 3 times. Maybe he thought it was like double jeopardy, and that he couldn't be called out after he'd already been cleared of the charges the first time.

This week actually had a couple of contenders to the Other crown. Here's what barely missed the cut:

1st Runner-Up:

On Saturday, the 30th the Chicago White Sox and Kansas City Royals wore throwback uniforms from the Negro Leagues to honor the men who had played in the league. This game involved only 2 African-American players, one of whom, was only used as a pinch-runner. That struck me as more than a little ironic.

2nd Runner-Up:

John Lackey's face.

Other

This week's Other deals with an amazing record that the Mariners were able to achieve last month. And what was that record?


1

They had only 1 person attend the first game of their April 28th double-header against the Chicago White Sox. At least, that's what espn.com's records show. See for yourself.

I understand that a Jakubauskas start doesn't inspire a lot of people to head to the ballpark, but come on. You would think more than one person would show up. I mean, at the very least the one guy that went to the game would bring somebody with him.

So, how did this happen? Well, Other caught up with the one man who attended that game, his name is Dale Shit, and the following is the interview conducted with him.


Other: So you attended a game where you were the only person in the stands, how did this happen?

Dale Shit: I just love baseball. It seemed like a great day to catch a game.

O: Is your last name really Shit?

DS: Yes.

O: Well thanks for your time.


So there you have it folks. The true story of the game with one man in the stands.

Other

This week's Other doesn't deal with what I would consider to be the worst or best thing I saw this week. Although it does deal with two very annoying individuals:

Kevin Youkilis & Kit Keller

I don't like either of these people (although, after seeing this pic, Youkilis is kind of growing on me). In case you've forgotten, Kit Keller is the character played by Lori Petty in the female baseball classic "A League of Their Own." Her character is insufferable and easily gets under your skin, kind of like Youkilis. I figured this was the only thing they had in common until earlier this week, when I was watching "A League of Their Own," and I saw this. (Jump to the 7:40 mark. Sorry, it was the best clip I could find)

Did you see that? They have the same exact batting stance!

This begs the question, was Youkilis a big fan of the movie and decided to pattern his stance after Keller? I can only assume that this is the case. Either way, I still dislike them both, and now they have something in common that I can direct all of my concentrated hate on.

By the way, I still say Dottie dropped the ball on purpose.

Other

As many of you know, at times "Other" features simply the worst thing I saw in a given week of watching baseball. This is the case for this week's entry:

Brandon Morrow.

Here are his stats for the week:

3 appearances, 1.2 IP, 7 H, 2 HR, 6 ER, 3 BB, 1 SO, 32.40 ERA, 6.00 WHIP, 1 S, 2 BS

It's been a rough week to say the least. His outing on Sunday was pretty nerve-racking, when he walked 2 men and threw 10 balls in a row at one point, but at least he ended up converting the save. Yesterday and today, however, turned out a bit different. At least, he found his control I guess.

Honestly, it's as if someone said to Morrow after Wednesday's game, "Well, it'd be hard to have a worse outing than that." Then, instead of accepting this as the put down it was, Morrow took it as a challenge, a look of steely determination formed upon his face and he set about shitting the bed even worse today. This time he didn't just shit in the bed, he rolled around in it and got it everywhere, and his mom had just cleaned the sheets after he'd messed them last night.

The other thing is, the Rangers made it look easy. Did anybody see that homer that Blalock hit today!? It had to be 450 feet. I didn't even see the ball come off the bat, he obliterated it. And then when Davis hit his a few batters later he knew immediately that it was gone. These were two games that we should have won, and they were against the division leader. If we had won them we'd be a half game back right now instead of 4 and a half, which we are.

The point? Morrow's a joke right now. So, I say we make his name into a joke with a clever nickname. Here's a few suggestions:

- WHIPmaster

- Slumpbuster

- The Model (because of all the walk-offs he's involved in)

- Balls Mahoney

That's all I've got for now. Anybody else have any nickname suggestions?

Other

Alright Mustacheers, you wanted it you got it! (Fard, '03)

While I didn't think that "Other" was the best title up for vote, I can't ignore the results. Thanks for voting everyone, and eff off to the 15 of you who didn't.

Well, without further delay, here's your "Other" filing for this week:

Up until Monday Yuniesky Betancourt had a higher batting average than on-base percentage. I'm sure this comes as a shock to many of you, as it did to me, but feast your eyes, it's the truth. But how can someone get hits more often than he gets on base? That's like having sex with more girls than you meet. (or guys, for the female mustacheers and Foy)

As we all know, Yuni has never been the most patient hitter. In fact, I think I exhibited more patience on rides to the Everett Toys R' Us after not finding a Tatanka figure in Alderwood. (The analogies are really flowing now! Let's see if I can get a few more in) Case in point, Yuni walked for the first time on May 4th, after 90 ABs. For an everyday player to go a month without getting walked is quite a feat. I mean, this guy swings more wildly than a married couple who likes to have sex with multiple partners outside of their marriage. (Uh-oh, I'm fading)

But still, how does the OBP get lower than the AVG.? The only explanation I can come up with is that he's had a couple of sacrifices that count against his OBP but not against his AVG. But c'mon, penalizing a guy for his sacrifices? We're treating this guy like he's Jack Bauer! (And I'm back!)

As of right now, however, Yuni's AVG. has dipped back below his OBP, thus restoring order to the baseball world. An order that we can expect to last, unless a giant star is suspended for taking women's fertility drugs.

(Title Pending)

As a sports-watching professional, I've been exposed to a lot of baseball lately. Some of it has been good, some of it has been bad, and some has been so bad it's good. Well, earlier today, I encountered the latter.

OAK @ TEX:

Oakland is up 1-0 and they have the bases loaded in the Top of the 6th with no outs. Former Mariner Eddie Guardado is summoned from the bullpen to clean this mess up. He proceeds to walk in a run on 4 straight pitches, which gets him pulled by manager Ron Washington. As he's leaving the mound he starts an animated argument with the ump, who promptly tosses him. Guardado then maniacally waves his cap over his head in some sort of pseudo-curtain-call.


After they went to the commercial break, I thought about what had just happened and started cracking up. Guardado walked in a run on 4 pitches and then got tossed after he'd already been taken out of the game. That has to be one of the worst pitching appearances of all time. When you throw in the hat-waving I'm not sure there's an argument.


So now, in honor of Guardado I will be be making a weekly (or bi-weekly, or semi-weekly, or whenever something terrible happens) post about the worst/best thing I saw in the many hours I spent watching baseball.

I've kicked around a few potential titles for these posts. They are:

-The Guardado Award
-Rough on the Diamond
-Awful
-Yikes
-The Steve Bal-Boner Play of the Week
-Man ... You Are One Pathetic Loser

Let me know what you think of these titles, or if you have any suggestions of your own.