NFL Picks - Week 4

Sunday Morning

New Orleans @ Miami
The Dolphins lost to the Jets last week, and as a result they will now be forced to sit on a jet for 8 and a half hours on a flight to London. It's a real slap in the face, but just imagine if they'd lost to the Falcons. The flight would take much longer and it would be borderline impossible for players, or the falcons, to hold on for that long. And let's not even get into the logistics of how many falcons it would take to carry an entire team overseas, equipment and all. On second thought, I decided I would get into the logistics, and I crunched a lot of numbers over a few hours until I finally came to my answer: I'm an idiot who's wasting his life ... and 443 falcons. Can Miami regroup this week to beat a seemingly rejuvenated Saints team? I say no, Jay Cutler will be too distracted in the lead up to the game by all the people talking weird.

Saints 33-23

Tennessee @ Houston
Boy this is a tough one to pick, I better call upon Pickler the score picking goblin to help me out (I've actually already decided that I'm picking the Texans, but in case you haven't noticed Pickler is 0-3 in 2017 so far, and I suspect that he's playing a season long trick on me. Well this week the trick is on you Pickler, I'm going to leap out and snatch him up when he gets to my apartment.). Oh Pickler, where art thou? I wondered as I waited crouched behind my couch. Hours went by until I heard a rustling in my trash can, it must be Pickler! I leapt out and flung the lid open to find a hissing squirrel. I slammed the can shut and whirled around only to see Pickler swinging from the chandelier I had just installed earlier in the week. He swooped down right onto my face, grabbing my hair and furiously slapping me with his tiny hands. "Try to trickler Pickler and I'll unfurl my pet squirrel!" So I guess he has a pet squirrel now? "As for this game in Week 4, the Titans to score more!" He then tore a clump of hair out of my head as he descended to the ground and quickly scampered out the door with the squirrel quick to follow. Screw you Pickler, I'm still taking Houston.

Texans 27-24 

Jacksonville @ New York Jets
Last week the Jaguars beat the Ravens 44-7 in London. But are any of us sure that it really happened? I didn't see it, did you? It's like I said last week, the NFL could simply simulate the rest of Jacksonville's games and none of us would realize it. How else do you explain the Jags winning a game by that much? This is a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top ... of Jacksonville. That's right, Mayor Lenny Curry. Unfortunately this Sunday will provide no further information regarding this shady situation because no one was going to try to watch this game anyway. 

Jaguars 23-13

Carolina @ New England
The Patriots led the league in scoring defense last season. Through three games in 2017 they're dead last. So what gives? I'll tell ya what gives, these guys are coasting. They're just assuming that another Super Bowl appearance is a given. I wouldn't be surprised if the defense showed up in Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses for this game. You laugh (I hope!), but mark my words, they will be wearing Hawaiian shirts this Sunday. And if I'm wrong, you can feel free to come to knock on my door and knee me in the groin. But, ya gotta find me first! Hehehe. And for those of you that know my schedule and/or where I live, c'mon we're friends, right? Don't do this.

Patriots 30-14

Detroit @ Minnesota
The Lions suffered one of the more heartbreaking losses in recent memory last week when an official review not only negated their would be game-winning touchdown, but also triggered a :10 runoff that ended the game. And to make matters worse Matthew Stafford's crush told him that she liked him ... as a friend. Brutal. Detroit will need to rebound quickly because they're visiting the Vikings in Veek Vour. Sam Bradford is going to miss another game, but who cares?!? Case Keemun is on fire baby! And Sam Bradford will be back soon enough ... Oh no. Breaking news: Sam Bradford's knees have died. I mean we all knew it would happen eventually, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with now that it has. Goodnight sweet princes.

Vikings 20-17

Buffalo @ Atlanta
The Falcons enter Week 4 as one of only two 3-0 teams in the NFL. However, in both of their road games they narrowly avoided defeat after goal line escapes. Perhaps on another timeline Atlanta is 1-2. I've heard of the butterfly effect, but the falcon effect? No one knows consequences quite like Atlanta, who could be the defending Super Bowl champions if a few plays had gone differently in a certain February 5th contest. No, not that February 5th contest, the Big Ten men's basketball game between Nebraska and Iowa. Remember, this is the butterfly/falcon effect, even seemingly unrelated occurrences can trigger a chain reaction that determines the outcome of the biggest sporting event on earth. So just to recap Falcons fans, blame the players on the Nebraska and Iowa men's basketball teams for your team losing the Super Bowl.

Falcons 31-17

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
Strap on your helmets extra tight, because it's time for a hard-hitting rivalry game between the leaders of the AFC North. Alright, now that you have your helmet securely fastened go outside and start walking down the street. Keep going ... keep going ... ok stop. Now pull your pants down. Come on! Just do it! Live a little! Ok now just stand there and wait. Aaaaand ... BOOM! Did you feel that two-by-four hit your head? I'm not surprised considering you just walked to the children's park/lumber yard and pulled down your pants. These parents are not happy. But hey, aren't you glad I told you to wear your helmet extra tight? As for the many injuries to the other parts of your body I can't really help you there, that's what you get for pulling your pants down at a park ya sick twist. 

Ravens 23-20

Cincinnati @ Cleveland
It's the Battle of Ohio! Bengals vs. Browns brought to you by Fanta! But here's the weird thing, it's grape Fanta. I know, orange would've made a lot more sense. But perhaps nonsense is appropriate for this match-up as these teams are just downright silly. To be fair, the Bengals showed signs of life in their narrow Week 3 loss in Green Bay, meanwhile the Browns were road favorites last week, and you had to assume they wouldn't deal well with those kind of expectations. The only thing we know for sure is that one of these teams is going to get their first win of the season. Unless of course they tie, but the odds of that are ... Oh God, they're going to tie aren't they? I'll bet the suits at grape Fanta are drooling right now just thinking about all that extra ad time. Greedy bastards. I've heard the strawberry crew are actually solid dudes though. 

Bengals 16-13

Los Angeles Rams @ Dallas
Through three weeks the Rams have scored the most points in the NFL. I had to retype that sentence multiple times because I'm using an iPhone and auto-correct simply would not accept it. When it finally did, it naturally assumed the year was 1999, a time in which iPhones didn't exist, and it crumbled in my hands. I'm now using an original iMac to complete this entry. It's the only machine that would believe what I wrote. But it's true, the Rams' offense has looked totally revolutionized by new coach Sean McVay. And in true revolutionary fashion, the former leader of the organization, Jeff Fisher, was ousted and beheaded for his crimes. It was a tough, but justified ending. Will this revolution keep spinning in the right direction in Dallas? I say the Cowboys shove a stick in the spokes this week.

Cowboys 31-24

Sunday Afternoon 

Philadelphia @ Los Angeles Chargers
Hold it, this is the third straight "home" game for the Chargers? That's a pretty messed up thing to do to the people of Carson. It's like when you have the new kid in class over to your house just to be nice and then he invites himself over the next two days as well. By the third day you just leave him upstairs playing video games because you'd rather sit by yourself and do homework. Then you just forget he's up there. You have dinner with your family, and eventually go back upstairs to get ready for bed, walk into your room, and realize, "Oh shit, Seth is still here." Of course, he's so lame he doesn't even realize you ditched him, he just grabs his snot-crusted jacket and says, "Well, think I oughta be getting home now." Ugh. Seth. What a lame-o. So anyway yeah, that's exactly what the Chargers playing three straight at StubHub is like.

Eagles 26-24 

New York Giants @ Tampa Bay
Look I've done a lot of things I regret in my life. Buying that second Zune, tugging on Superman's cape (the Superman on Hollywood Blvd., and he was way too into it), opening that door ... But those all now pale in comparison to picking the 2017 New York Giants to make the NFC Championship Game. These turds look like a real sad lot, and though they showed signs of life in the fourth quarter last week I think it's time for me to admit I made a mistake. And just like when I opened that door (oh God why did I do it knowing what I knew? Damn me for my hubris!) a great wave of remorse has washed over me. I am sorry for my actions, and now I must learn from them.

Buccaneers 22-16

San Francisco @ Arizona
This week, in response to a question about Carson Palmer's performance, Cardinals coach Bruce Arians said his quarterback has played "lights out." Perhaps he's saying that Palmer looks as if he's only been half-conscious for the first three weeks of the season. Or maybe that he's just been closing his eyes and chucking the ball on every pass. Still, I suppose another possibility is that Bruce Arians doesn't fully understand what the term "lights out" means. That seems unlikely, but again, this is a man that constantly wears a Kangol hat in his free time, so it's dangerous to give him the benefit of the doubt in regards to common sense.

Cardinals 24-14

Oakland @ Denver
AFC West superiority is on the line when these division rivals clash ... oh wait, I forgot about the Chiefs. Ok, second place in the AFC West is on the line when these division rivals clash! Either way it should be an interesting match-up. I'm leaning towards taking the home team because this game is being played on the first of the month, and I'm guessing that at least a few Raiders players will forget to drop off their rent checks before they leave, resulting in them being stressed out the whole game wondering if they'll get home before midnight.

Broncos 23-20 

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Seattle
I'll actually be up in Seattle attending this game on Sunday night, and I'm proud to say that I'll be in the same building as this man, the one and only CriColl, Cris Collinsworth:
Hmm, I can't help but feel like that's somewhat directed at me Cris. 

Seahawks 27-10

Monday Night 

Washington @ Kansas City
I'm picking the Chiefs in this game if for nothing else than that they have the moral superiority here. I mean sure the Kansas City fans do the slightly racist tomahawk chop chant, but at least their team isn't called the Redskins for god's sake. If I were a Chiefs' player I'd whisper "Shame on you" after every tackle. Conversely, if I were a player on any other team that tackled Tyreek Hill I'd whisper the same thing.

Chiefs 31-23


NFL Picks - Week 4 Thursday

Chicago @ Green Bay
Last week both of these teams had to work overtime to take care of business, but they both won so it worked out. Look, I know that was lame, and I'm sorry. But now that Chris Berman is gone the football world has agreed to band together and make corny, forced classic rock references whenever they're even the slightest bit applicable to fill the void left by the Schwam. It's our cross to bear now, and we're gonna carry that weight a long time. Ugh. Again I'm sorry, but I don't have a choice. Let's try to focus on the game. Is it possible that Chicago only musters a couple safeties and loses 25 or 6 to 4? No, that's not possible! Enough! But I do expect the Packers to win because they have Rodgers in the backfield. And I'm not talking about Waters and Daltrey. But hey, that wouldn't be bad company to be in, in fact it's a real who's who of ... Aaaaaaggghhhh!!!

Packers 31-13


NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning 

Baltimore vs. Jacksonville 

The Jags are headed back across the pond for what has become and annual tradition in recent years. This begs the question: would notice if they just didn't come back? Honestly, of the Jags didn't play another game this season would it affect your life at all? The NFL wouldn't even have to acknowledge that they never returned; just give everyone remaining on their schedule a win for that week and pretend like the networks are airing the game as usual. Since nobody watches Jacksonville games anyway the league wouldn't even have to explain why CBS was just airing a static shot of the stadium with nobody in it. This sounds like a goof, but when the season's over and I ask you to recall a single Jags game we'll see if you can remember any past Week 3. They will play this one though, and they'll lose.

Ravens 23-13

Cleveland @ Indianapolis 

In a season that's already been lamented for poor play this may become the new measuring stick for ineptitude. The nadir of putrid play that has typified 2017 as of yet. Or it could be two teams that are just lousy enough to throw caution to the wind and get all sorts of weird with trick plays, deep balls, and a back and forth scoring barrage that will make your fuggin' head spin! Are you out of breath too?!? ... Sorry, I uh got a little carried away. I'm fine now. I realize it's stupid to expect anything more from this game than a rock fight, but maybe ... just maybe ... they'll have an actual rock fight. That would be interesting, right?

Colts 13-12

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

The Giants have only put up 13 points so far this season. Say what you want, but if you're trying to win games in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE you're going to have to score ... well technically you only need to put up 2 points, so long as you shut the other team out every time. I'd go so far as to say you only need 1 point, but the NFL still hasn't adapted my rule suggestion that teams have the option of waving their possession in favor of an extra point attempt. So really the question Giants fans should be asking is can their defense improve and start shutting teams out on a weekly basis? If not, I'm afraid they're in real trouble.

Eagles 19-10

Miami @ New York Jets

Upon first glance, this one looks like a win for the Dolphins, but I'm not totally sure about them yet. Being uncertain, this seemed like as good a time as any to call upon Pickler, the score-picking goblin. I waited for for almost an hour and a half before I heard splashing and gasping noises coming from my bathroom. I entered to find Pickler bathing in my toilet, with shampoo and all even though he has maybe 10 strands of hair. "Oooh hoo hoo! I'm clean as new!" he shouted as he scrubbed his body with my toilet brush. I asked if he was aware that I poop in there, but he didn't seem to mind. I then pivoted to discussing the game in question. Pickler continued to ignore me then leapt out of the toilet toward the slightly ajar bathroom window. Just before he squeezed his way through the opening he said, "When making football bets don't overthink games involving the Jets." And then ... he was gone.

Dolphins 27-16

Denver @ Buffalo 

Lookout world, these Broncos have come out of the gate hot! But then again, that's what broncos always do, the team included. Over the the last four seasons they've had starts of 6-0, 6-1, 7-0, and 4-0. However, after that 4-0 start from last year they only cobbled together 5 wins the rest of the way before missing the playoffs. So can we trust Trev Siemian and the gang? Probably not. Don't get me wrong, I think they will make the playoffs, but I specifically don't trust Trevor Siemian. It's a long story, but we were business partners once, and let's just say I never received the inheritance money he promised me. And let's also just say that when I become blood brothers with someone it means something to me. And furthermore let's just say that I take someone's word for it when they tell me they're disease free. 

Broncos 26-13

New Orleans @ Carolina 

The Panthers defense has been impressive so far, giving up only 6 points on the season. Meanwhile the Saints are staring an 0-3 start in the face. But hey, New Orleans started 0-2 last year also, and you know what they did? They lost the third game. Ok, it happens, but what about in 2015 when they started 0-2, do you know what they did in the third game then? They lost again. Wow, these guys are a bunch of cowards! Grow a spine and win a game already. Unfortunately, it takes four weeks for the neural tube in a human fetus to close, at which point a spine can begin to grow. No wonder the Saints can't win until after Week 3. 

Panthers 31-20

Pittsburgh @ Chicago 

Oh yeah! A couple rough and tumble towns duking it out on the gridiron. This is what football's all about baby! Keep your tutus at home ladies, cuz this one's gonna get real rough and real tumbley. Call this one the Dryer Bowl, because of all the tumbling that's gonna happen. And we ain't talkin' no perma-press or delicate cycle either. Noooo no, this baby is high heat and high tumbling. Except when this buzzer goes off none of us will be dry. And don't forget about the roughness! No sir, don't you dare. Call this one the Stubble Bowl because of how rough and rugged and sexy on the right guy it's gonna be. What? Naahhh! You're hearin' things! 

Steelers 24-17

Atlanta @ Detroit 

Are the Lions the real deal? If I were a captain on your Jungle Cruise ride (lifelong aspiration) I'd tell you no. But within the context of this NFL season I have to say perhaps. Of course, we'll learn more after their match-up with the reigning NFC champions. And I don't even mean just about the Lions, I think we can all learn a little about ourselves during this game? How so? Look that's your journey, I can't guide you on it. Nor could I legally guide you on a rollicking cruise through Adventureland's fictional jungle. However, if you're lucky enough to be on the ride with me I'll regularly hop up and attempt to grab the mic from the "cast member." Usually they physically best me and I return to my seat bruised and ashamed. Sometimes they're real pussies though, and once I muscle the mic away from them I unleash my wildly inappropriate routine that I've been crafting for the last 10+ years. There are A LOT of animal sex jokes.   

Falcons 28-27

Tampa Bay @ Minnesota 

You have to feel for Vikings fans who are sincerely hoping that Sam Bradford can return as soon as possible to be their starting quarterback. Really we shouldn't be surprised though, this is a classic Bradford scenario; he has a handful of good starts (or even just one in this case), briefly elevates the collective public's opinion of him, and then is lost to any of injuries. It's happened countless times ... Ok, probably like twice, but it's enough for me to be very leery of this whole situation. You wanna know how leery of this I am? Here's how leery, (takes a drag off a cigarette) so leery that I wanna sneak into Mall of American Airlines Bank building or whatever, hide under a table and whack Bradford's knees with a pipe to save us all the trouble. That's right, I'm gonna go frickin Tonya Harding on his ass, and I don't even want a frickin' gold medal for the trouble ... Whoa, sorry. I guess was more Leary about that situation, than leery. 

Buccaneers 22-16

Houston @ New England

Last January the Texans surprisingly hung with the Patriots for most of their Divisional playoff game before New England pulled away later in the second half. But let's be real, that was when Houston was starting Brock Osweiler at QB. And when you're starting Brock Osweiler at QB you have the luxury of being able to stick around in games until the other team inevitably pulls away and wins by double digits. However, the Texans no longer have that luxury. Deshaun Watson is now at the helm, so who knows what to expect. Though if I had to guess (and again, that's exactly what I have to do based on the contract I signed with this website; still kicking myself for agreeing to a 25 year deal) Houston's D will keep them in it for the first half before New England stretches their lead in the second. So, in other words, the Texans will stick around until the Patriots inevitably pull away and win by double digits. 

Patriots 27-16

Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ Tennessee

Last week the Titans dominated the Jaguars on the road while the Seahawks' offense remained mostly stagnant in a narrow home win over the 49ers. So why, you ask, do I get the feeling that Seattle wins in Tennessee? You must be a new reader ... just kidding, there's no such thing. 

Seahawks 17-13

Cincinnati @ Green Bay

Through two games Cincinnati has put up 9 points, leading many to call for Andy Dalton's job. No literally, the Bengals have set up a hotline for people to call in to and make a case for why they would be a better starting quarterback than Andy Dalton. So far most of the calls have been from Colin Kaepernick though, so it's proven to be a pretty big waste of time. For years the debate surrounding Dalton was how high his ceiling was. In other words, what's the farthest you could go with Andy Dalton as your quarterback? Well it now appears that question was answered a couple years ago. The new debate: What's the floor? I hope for his sake that that's been answered over the last two weeks. If not, the Bengals' offense may fall into a sort of never-ending purgatorial abyss that will manifest itself as the entire group hovering in suspended animation six inches above the field.  

Packers 34-10

Kansas City @ Los Angeles Chargers

The Chargers have moved and nothing has changed. They're losing games as late and as devastatingly as they ever did in San Diego. Week 1: game-tying field goal attempt blocked as time expired. Week 2: game-winning field goal attempt sailed wide right. This week I expect the ball to explode on the foot of Yunghoe Koo as he attempts the game-tying extra point. The refs will just look at each other, shrug, and call it no good. No one from the Chargers will protest either because it won't even seem strange to them. 

Chiefs 27-26

Sunday Night

Oakland @ Washington 

What will happen when the 2-0 Raiders travel to the nation's capitol, then travel a little further to get to Landover, Maryland? Don't ask me, as CriColl:

Well I for one am glad you're still alive. I'll pick Oakland until they give me a reason not to. 

Raiders 30-24

Monday Night

Dallas @ Arizona 

There's been quite the furor in the media this week after Ezekiel Elliott appeared to "quit" on a play while the Broncos' Chris Harris ran back an interception during the Cowboys' Week 2 loss in Denver. Personally though, I really can't judge him, I mean I quit football in 7th grade; Elliott stuck with it way longer than me. In fact, all of the people in the media quit football at some point too, so if you ask me they're a bunch of hypocrites. What's more, Elliott has decided to come out of retirement and return to the Cowboys this week, so we should probably all cut him some slack. Even with Elliott though, Dallas hasn't looked spectacular this season. But on Monday they're visiting the Cardinals who barely escaped Indianapolis with a win and have looked seriously lousy. So who wins? I'll take unspectacular over lousy any day of the week. Well, most days of the week. Either way, Monday is one of those days.

Cowboys 20-13


NFL Picks - Week 3 Thursday

Los Angeles @ San Francisco
This game features the highest scoring team in the NFC (Rams) against the lowest scoring team in the NFC (Niners). It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how this one is going to go. In fact, if we did ask a rocket scientist he'd probably go on about how (read in a nerd voice), "The oblong spheroid shape of the football, or 'pigskin' as enthusiasts are wont to refer to it, allows for any number of random bounces within the allotted 60 minutes of game time that any prediction made with confidence is a rather foolhardy endeavor." Then I'd say, "Can it dweeb, I know pigskin!" Then he'd probably say something like, "Please leave my doorstep." 

Rams 23-13


NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

Cleveland @ Baltimore
The Browns didn't get blown out by the Steelers in Week 1 and the collective reaction from the nation was, "Hey, good for you!" Meanwhile the Ravens went to Cincinnati and shutout the Bengals 20-0, and the collective reaction from the nation was, "Ooh baby, don't be too nasty now!" It stands to reason that If Baltimore could go on the road and shut out the Bengals they should have no problem at home against the Browns. But as Winston Churchill once said, "Reason is the wisdom of fools. Now pass the mushy peas, because I'm on a diet, boo hoo! Merely kidding, it hasn't been that bad. Portion control is really the key." With that in mind I say Cleveland hangs around before fading late.

Ravens 20-12

Chicago @ Tampa Bay
Mike Glennon is making his return to Tampa, and I can only imagine that the reaction of Bucs fans will be something along the lines of, "Oh hey Mike. Wait are you not our back-up QB anymore? You're the Bears' starter? Oh awesome! We're definitely gonna win now." Well the joke's on you Bucs fans, because Glennon was not terrible against Atlanta in Week 1. Though, he wasn't good enough to get the win either, so I guess you were right all along. You guys are pretty smart, and cool. Want to hang after this, er ...? Yeah just let me know later.

Buccaneers 19-14

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh
Oh baby, this is an intriguing interconference match-up that has football fanatics salivating. Many were surprised and/or impressed with the Week 1 play of Sam Bradford and the Vikings' offense. I wasn't shocked, however, because they were playing at home against the Saints. If you're impressed by a team putting up stats in that scenario you'd probably also be impressed by someone bragging that they saw boobs at a strip club. Now, if they can pull off the same sort of performance in Pittsburgh I'll be impressed, and that's coming from a guy that's been to over two strip clubs in his life. So uh yeah, I guess you could say I know what I'm talking about here.

Steelers 23-16

New England @ New Orleans
Oh baby, this is an intriguing interconference match-up that has football fanatics salivating. You may or may not remember that last week I suggested to the Patriots that it would be understandable if they stopped playing football. Well it took them until the second half of their opening night game, but it seems like they finally read my post. Now the question becomes, are they really calling it quits or will they rally behind some Belichick motto, win 12 or 13 games, and make it to at least another AFC Championship game? I agree, they're definitely going to just quit. That being said, I'll go ahead and pick them to win a wild one. A wet n' wild one? Ew no. Gross. Also, they're playing in a dome, so even if that was only referring to rain it would make no sense.

Patriots 38-31

Philadelphia @ Kansas City
Oh baby, this is an intriguing interconference match-up that has football fanatics salivating. Both teams are coming off impressive road wins in Week 1, but only of them was against the defending Super Bowl champs. I think we both know which team that would be, so let's just go ahead and both say the name of that team on the count of three ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ...
Well you didn't say anything either! Are you implying that I'm not 100% sure because I forgot to watch that game last Thursday due to the fact that I spent most of the night reading articles about how to impress your friends? Well you're wrong, they were about how to make friends. And it was only one article. I'm a slow reader! Anyway, I do know that Kansas City beat New England, and I expect them to completely replicate their offensive explosion from last week. Or maybe just come down to earth a bit while still getting a win.

Chiefs 29-21

Tennessee @ Jacksonville
For years I've been picking the Jaguars to be a sleeper playoff contender, and each time they fall spectacularly short of that. Well I finally learned my lesson this season and picked them to finish 6-10. They then promptly won their opener 29-7. Nice try Jags, you're not suckering me in. I don't care how impressive you looked, or that when I watched the game I couldn't help but feel proud, or that when it was over all I wanted to do was call you. No! I don't care about any of that. You've hurt me too many times in the past and I just can't trust you. Consequently, I have to pick Tennessee. I hope you understand Jags, we're both adults after all, I don't see any reason why this has to be contentious. But just know, I'll be watching and thinking of us.

Titans 23-20

Arizona @ Indianapolis
Both of these teams looked pretty lousy in Week 1. Well one looked lousy, while the other looked downright vomitacious. But let's get real, it's only Week 2, the shine hasn't worn off of the season to the point that you're not going to watch this game. C'mon, what else are you going to do, go out to eat with loved ones? If so, I just have to ask the question ... Can I come? I'll get one of the cheaper entrees and only order water for a drink. Unless, of course, somebody else just gets water; at that point I feel like it wouldn't be an issue if I went ahead and ordered a beer. Big deal, right? What's an extra $5? Though, now that I look at the menu the lowest price for a beer is $7, and actually the one that I want is $9.50. Ya know what? Don't definitively say yes or no yet. We'll just cross that bridge ... I said DON'T definitively say ... Why are you being like this?

Cardinals 30-13

Buffalo @ Carolina
The Bills come into this game at 1-0 after beating the Jets in Week 1. The Panthers come into this game at 1-0 after beating the 49ers in Week 1. In other words, we have no idea if either of these teams are as good as their undefeated records may suggest. My gut and eyes tell me that Buffalo is the lesser of the two, but I suppose we'll find out soon enough. Speaking of my gut, this figures be a saucy match-up, considering we're dealing with two cities famous for sauces. Why not embrace this and slather the ball with hot sauce for Bills possessions and some slippery, vinegar BBQ sauce for the Panthers? Because that's a stupid, pointless idea? Yep.

Panthers 20-16

Sunday Afternoon

New York Jets @ Raiders
Well this is finally it, the week it hits home that Chris Berman is no longer covering the NFL for ESPN. And why now? Because this Jets/Raiders game will most likely come and go without anyone making reference to the Heidi game. Are we better off? Yes. But does that mean I'm glad I don't have to hear that tired old routine once again? Also yes. The Raiders looked solid last week, while the Jets looked a little more viscous. This is a game so easy to call that a young girl in the Swiss Alps could figure it out.

Raiders 31-14

Miami @ Los Angeles Chargers
It's finally time for Jay Cutler's first start as a Dolphin and I couldn't think of a better spot for it than in front of 27,000 screaming(?) fans at the StubHub Center. He'll feel like he's back at Vanderbilt ... or at least a version in which Vanderbilt Stadium is 13,000 seats smaller. The thing is though, the ticket supply at StubHub still outweighs the demand from Los Angeles Chargers fans. People in LA do not care. There's more buzz generated by a beach ball being bounced around the bleachers in Dodger Stadium. So who will show up to these games? Here's my guess at the breakdown: 60% visitors' fans, 30% Charger fans, and 10% confused folks who don't understand why this Galaxy game costs so much. That being said, the Chargers were sometimes outnumbered in Qualcomm too, so it's nothing new for them. With a probably more bored than usual Jay Cutler at the helm for the Dolphins I expect the "home" team to get the win.

Chargers 27-20

San Francisco @ Seattle
The Seahawks only put up 9 points last week in what was a very disappointing effort. At the same time though, the 49ers only put up 3 points last week, so it could be worse. If the Seattle o-line can keep the San Fran sack rate under 25% the Hawks should have a good shot. If it's around 10% it should be a blow out. 

Seahawks 27-9

Washington @ Los Angeles Rams
The Rams absolutely thrashed the Colts in Week 1, leaving us to wonder, was that a symptom of facing weak competition or is this Los Angeles team a force to be reckoned with? Well it's the Rams, so I'll say the same thing I say to all of these climate change conspiracy theorists, with my arms crossed and a knowing smirk on my face, "I'll believe it when I see it." And if it takes me bubbling to death while I gasp for air a la the end of Total Recall, then so be it; at that point I'll admit that you were right. So yeah, that's basically how I feel about the Rams. Doesn't mean they won't win this week though. 

Rams 24-21

Dallas @ Denver
This is a bit of a tricky one to decipher, so I thought it would be a good choice for the Pickler Game of the Week. In case you don't remember from last week, Pickler is a football picking goblin who I turn to for advice on one game a week, and this is that game. When Pickler finally showed up to my home I asked him what he thought about this match-up. His response was, "Yum yum, eating garbage is fun!" He then plunged headlong into my trash bin. The whole thing shook violently as discarded paper towels and food stuffs flew in every direction. Eventually he emerged with a banana peel in his mouth, hopped out of the bin, and scampered for the door. Just as he left though, he shouted in his squeaky, shrill voice, "Take the Cowboys!" The whole incident was pretty perturbing, but at the same time I got what I asked for. The weirdest part though was that I haven't eaten a banana in months.

Cowboys 20-16

Sunday Night

Green Bay @ Atlanta
It's an NFC title game rematch and the only man worthy of breaking it down is Sunday Night Football analyst Cris Collinsworth:
Thank you Cris.

Falcons 29-26

Monday Night

Detroit @ New York Giants
Astute readers will recall that I picked the Giants to make the NFC Championship game this season. So was I discouraged during their dismal performance in a 19-3 loss to the Cowboys last Sunday night? No, because I didn't watch a lot of it. But what I did see wasn't great. That being said, I'm proud of the Giants for sticking it out until the game was over. A lesser team would have simply left the field, and gone down in history as the only team to ever do that. I expect the G Men to show the same aplomb on Monday when they lose again. But wait, you say, Matthew Stanford never beats winning teams on the road! Check the standings dingus, right now the Giants aren't a winning team.

Lions 17-13