How's it hanging mother effs? The 2017 NFL season is upon us and boy do we have a lot to talk about! Ok, you go first ... Mm hmm ... Right ... What?!? Oh man you are a sick twist! Pretty sure that's illegal. I legitimately feel obligated to contact the authorities; but not before you read this season preview.
Let's try something different this time around (Jaguars style). Rather than bore you with the in depth, groundbreaking analysis that you're used to in this space, I'm going to present you with the headlines you'll be reading throughout this coming season. Everything that you are about to read WILL happen:
"Chargers debut in LA!"
"Trump attends NFL game, condemns 'Violence on both sides'"
"Mike Glennon cut by Bears, signed by Giraffes; Will start at Zoo Monday"
"As new Jags starting QB struggles Bortles' chortles at Henne are many"
"Headline writer receives raise"
"Sleepless in Seattle?"
"Headline writer fired"
"Chargers still in LA"
"Aaron Rodgers tells Packers fans to relax; Begins inappropriately rubbing their shoulders"
"Sam Bradford becomes highest paid QB at children's birthday party"
"Hey guys, the Chargers are playing actual football games in LA"
"Hank Williams Jr. fired again from MNF after Week 1 song featuring lyrics about Alt-right, Neo-Nazis, Antifa, BLM, Illegal Immigrants, Trump's Winery"
"Buccaneers successfully convert first FG of season; Nation's children prep for Halloween"\
"Free tickets still available for Chargers game"
"Kaepernick remains unsigned after all NFL QBs die in King Ralph scenario"
"Jets Win! ... In survey of most convenient overseas travel; Jets the football team lose again"
"Chargers win thriller at StubHub to the delight of the fan in attendance"
"Internet prognosticator wows crowd at local skateboard competition"
Ok, so at least one of those headlines isn't necessarily related to the NFL season itself. But hey, enough with the goofs, right? Let's sip some of that sweet prognostication nectar! Oh whatever, you're gross. Here are the standings for the season, with pictures of ... MIIIINNNNNIIIIIII HELMEEEEETTTSSS!!!
And now the playoffs, with more ... MIIIIINNNNNIIIIII HELMEEEEETTTSSS!!!
So there ya have it. Unoriginal? Maybe. But ya know sometimes picking the same thing over and over again is the bravest choice you can make. Is this one of those times? You decide. Am I a hero? That's not for me to say. I just make my picks and let the chips fall where they may ... usually off the table while I scramble to stuff them in my makeshift shirt pouch screaming, "These are mine! My chips! You're all cheaters! This isn't fair! Don't touch me! That's assault! Just let me leave with the chips and I won't sue you! Fine, here, take 'em. Fuck!"
Anyway, that's the 2017 NFL preview. Check back here every Thursday for the TNF pick and every Friday for full weekly picks.