New Orleans @ Miami
The Dolphins lost to the Jets last week, and as a result they will now be forced to sit on a jet for 8 and a half hours on a flight to London. It's a real slap in the face, but just imagine if they'd lost to the Falcons. The flight would take much longer and it would be borderline impossible for players, or the falcons, to hold on for that long. And let's not even get into the logistics of how many falcons it would take to carry an entire team overseas, equipment and all. On second thought, I decided I would get into the logistics, and I crunched a lot of numbers over a few hours until I finally came to my answer: I'm an idiot who's wasting his life ... and 443 falcons. Can Miami regroup this week to beat a seemingly rejuvenated Saints team? I say no, Jay Cutler will be too distracted in the lead up to the game by all the people talking weird.
Tennessee @ Houston
Boy this is a tough one to pick, I better call upon Pickler the score picking goblin to help me out (I've actually already decided that I'm picking the Texans, but in case you haven't noticed Pickler is 0-3 in 2017 so far, and I suspect that he's playing a season long trick on me. Well this week the trick is on you Pickler, I'm going to leap out and snatch him up when he gets to my apartment.). Oh Pickler, where art thou? I wondered as I waited crouched behind my couch. Hours went by until I heard a rustling in my trash can, it must be Pickler! I leapt out and flung the lid open to find a hissing squirrel. I slammed the can shut and whirled around only to see Pickler swinging from the chandelier I had just installed earlier in the week. He swooped down right onto my face, grabbing my hair and furiously slapping me with his tiny hands. "Try to trickler Pickler and I'll unfurl my pet squirrel!" So I guess he has a pet squirrel now? "As for this game in Week 4, the Titans to score more!" He then tore a clump of hair out of my head as he descended to the ground and quickly scampered out the door with the squirrel quick to follow. Screw you Pickler, I'm still taking Houston.
Jacksonville @ New York Jets
Last week the Jaguars beat the Ravens 44-7 in London. But are any of us sure that it really happened? I didn't see it, did you? It's like I said last week, the NFL could simply simulate the rest of Jacksonville's games and none of us would realize it. How else do you explain the Jags winning a game by that much? This is a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top ... of Jacksonville. That's right, Mayor Lenny Curry. Unfortunately this Sunday will provide no further information regarding this shady situation because no one was going to try to watch this game anyway.
Carolina @ New England
The Patriots led the league in scoring defense last season. Through three games in 2017 they're dead last. So what gives? I'll tell ya what gives, these guys are coasting. They're just assuming that another Super Bowl appearance is a given. I wouldn't be surprised if the defense showed up in Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses for this game. You laugh (I hope!), but mark my words, they will be wearing Hawaiian shirts this Sunday. And if I'm wrong, you can feel free to come to knock on my door and knee me in the groin. But, ya gotta find me first! Hehehe. And for those of you that know my schedule and/or where I live, c'mon we're friends, right? Don't do this.
Detroit @ Minnesota
The Lions suffered one of the more heartbreaking losses in recent memory last week when an official review not only negated their would be game-winning touchdown, but also triggered a :10 runoff that ended the game. And to make matters worse Matthew Stafford's crush told him that she liked him ... as a friend. Brutal. Detroit will need to rebound quickly because they're visiting the Vikings in Veek Vour. Sam Bradford is going to miss another game, but who cares?!? Case Keemun is on fire baby! And Sam Bradford will be back soon enough ... Oh no. Breaking news: Sam Bradford's knees have died. I mean we all knew it would happen eventually, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with now that it has. Goodnight sweet princes.
Buffalo @ Atlanta
The Falcons enter Week 4 as one of only two 3-0 teams in the NFL. However, in both of their road games they narrowly avoided defeat after goal line escapes. Perhaps on another timeline Atlanta is 1-2. I've heard of the butterfly effect, but the falcon effect? No one knows consequences quite like Atlanta, who could be the defending Super Bowl champions if a few plays had gone differently in a certain February 5th contest. No, not that February 5th contest, the Big Ten men's basketball game between Nebraska and Iowa. Remember, this is the butterfly/falcon effect, even seemingly unrelated occurrences can trigger a chain reaction that determines the outcome of the biggest sporting event on earth. So just to recap Falcons fans, blame the players on the Nebraska and Iowa men's basketball teams for your team losing the Super Bowl.
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
Strap on your helmets extra tight, because it's time for a hard-hitting rivalry game between the leaders of the AFC North. Alright, now that you have your helmet securely fastened go outside and start walking down the street. Keep going ... keep going ... ok stop. Now pull your pants down. Come on! Just do it! Live a little! Ok now just stand there and wait. Aaaaand ... BOOM! Did you feel that two-by-four hit your head? I'm not surprised considering you just walked to the children's park/lumber yard and pulled down your pants. These parents are not happy. But hey, aren't you glad I told you to wear your helmet extra tight? As for the many injuries to the other parts of your body I can't really help you there, that's what you get for pulling your pants down at a park ya sick twist.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
It's the Battle of Ohio! Bengals vs. Browns brought to you by Fanta! But here's the weird thing, it's grape Fanta. I know, orange would've made a lot more sense. But perhaps nonsense is appropriate for this match-up as these teams are just downright silly. To be fair, the Bengals showed signs of life in their narrow Week 3 loss in Green Bay, meanwhile the Browns were road favorites last week, and you had to assume they wouldn't deal well with those kind of expectations. The only thing we know for sure is that one of these teams is going to get their first win of the season. Unless of course they tie, but the odds of that are ... Oh God, they're going to tie aren't they? I'll bet the suits at grape Fanta are drooling right now just thinking about all that extra ad time. Greedy bastards. I've heard the strawberry crew are actually solid dudes though.
Los Angeles Rams @ Dallas
Through three weeks the Rams have scored the most points in the NFL. I had to retype that sentence multiple times because I'm using an iPhone and auto-correct simply would not accept it. When it finally did, it naturally assumed the year was 1999, a time in which iPhones didn't exist, and it crumbled in my hands. I'm now using an original iMac to complete this entry. It's the only machine that would believe what I wrote. But it's true, the Rams' offense has looked totally revolutionized by new coach Sean McVay. And in true revolutionary fashion, the former leader of the organization, Jeff Fisher, was ousted and beheaded for his crimes. It was a tough, but justified ending. Will this revolution keep spinning in the right direction in Dallas? I say the Cowboys shove a stick in the spokes this week.
Philadelphia @ Los Angeles Chargers
Hold it, this is the third straight "home" game for the Chargers? That's a pretty messed up thing to do to the people of Carson. It's like when you have the new kid in class over to your house just to be nice and then he invites himself over the next two days as well. By the third day you just leave him upstairs playing video games because you'd rather sit by yourself and do homework. Then you just forget he's up there. You have dinner with your family, and eventually go back upstairs to get ready for bed, walk into your room, and realize, "Oh shit, Seth is still here." Of course, he's so lame he doesn't even realize you ditched him, he just grabs his snot-crusted jacket and says, "Well, think I oughta be getting home now." Ugh. Seth. What a lame-o. So anyway yeah, that's exactly what the Chargers playing three straight at StubHub is like.
New York Giants @ Tampa Bay
Look I've done a lot of things I regret in my life. Buying that second Zune, tugging on Superman's cape (the Superman on Hollywood Blvd., and he was way too into it), opening that door ... But those all now pale in comparison to picking the 2017 New York Giants to make the NFC Championship Game. These turds look like a real sad lot, and though they showed signs of life in the fourth quarter last week I think it's time for me to admit I made a mistake. And just like when I opened that door (oh God why did I do it knowing what I knew? Damn me for my hubris!) a great wave of remorse has washed over me. I am sorry for my actions, and now I must learn from them.
San Francisco @ Arizona
This week, in response to a question about Carson Palmer's performance, Cardinals coach Bruce Arians said his quarterback has played "lights out." Perhaps he's saying that Palmer looks as if he's only been half-conscious for the first three weeks of the season. Or maybe that he's just been closing his eyes and chucking the ball on every pass. Still, I suppose another possibility is that Bruce Arians doesn't fully understand what the term "lights out" means. That seems unlikely, but again, this is a man that constantly wears a Kangol hat in his free time, so it's dangerous to give him the benefit of the doubt in regards to common sense.
Oakland @ Denver
AFC West superiority is on the line when these division rivals clash ... oh wait, I forgot about the Chiefs. Ok, second place in the AFC West is on the line when these division rivals clash! Either way it should be an interesting match-up. I'm leaning towards taking the home team because this game is being played on the first of the month, and I'm guessing that at least a few Raiders players will forget to drop off their rent checks before they leave, resulting in them being stressed out the whole game wondering if they'll get home before midnight.
Indianapolis @ Seattle
I'll actually be up in Seattle attending this game on Sunday night, and I'm proud to say that I'll be in the same building as this man, the one and only CriColl, Cris Collinsworth:
Hmm, I can't help but feel like that's somewhat directed at me Cris.
Washington @ Kansas City
I'm picking the Chiefs in this game if for nothing else than that they have the moral superiority here. I mean sure the Kansas City fans do the slightly racist tomahawk chop chant, but at least their team isn't called the Redskins for god's sake. If I were a Chiefs' player I'd whisper "Shame on you" after every tackle. Conversely, if I were a player on any other team that tackled Tyreek Hill I'd whisper the same thing.