NFL Picks - Week 16

Thursday Night

San Diego @ Oakland

There's a chance that this could be the last Raiders home game in Oakland, so it's pretty coincidental that their opponent will the Chargers, a team who may have just played their last home game in San Diego. Adding to the parallels between these teams is the fact that they may, indeed, be sharing a stadium in the future. So, in essence, the Chargers are like a recent divorcee visiting their friend who is having marital troubles as well. After a long talk and a few drinks they decide that their best years are still ahead of them and that they should move to LA, get an apartment together, and just go wild. Good for them, they deserve this after what they've been through.

Raiders 27-20

Saturday Night

Washington @ Philadelphia

Washington can win the NFC East with a victory here and ensure an at least .500 record for that division's champion. Then again, if they lose it opens the door for a 7-9 champ, with the Eagles and Giants back in play. So in other words, the country needs the Eagles to win, strictly for comedy's sake. It's time for America to laugh again.

Eagles 30-27

Sunday Morning

New England @ New York Jets

The Jets won last week yet fell out of playoff position. They did everything that was asked of them yet they still aren't good enough. They're like the lame, original boyfriend in the romantic comedy who seems nice enough, but just doesn't have the spark that the main characters share. This game is the equivalent of the scene in which they tell their girlfriend that they should follow their heart, and that they just want them to be happy, and that they'll find something else to do in the postseason.

Patriots 31-20

Houston @ Tennessee

After their first ever(!) win in Indianapolis last Sunday, the Texans have the AFC South in their grasp. However, they may have the human equivalent of KY jelly starting at quarterback this week. In other words, that grasp of theirs just got slippery due to one Brandon Weeden. Luckily for them the Titans are next on the schedule, which should allow them to hold on for at least this week.

Texans 13-12

Cleveland @ Kansas City

With the tight race for the AFC wild cards the Chiefs need to keep winning. No problem! Said their schedule. As mentioned last week their slate is super easy and they could clinch a playoff berth this Sunday with a win and a Jets loss. And as we already discussed, the Jets aren't going to try to stop KC from going after their postseason dreams. In fact, they'll even drive them to the airport. If they leave right now they can probably still catch the Broncos!

Chiefs 27-10

Indianapolis @ Miami

The Colts are in a lot of trouble, and I'm not just talking about their playoff chances. They threw a party at the stadium after the game last Sunday and made a real mess of things. Now owner Jim Irsay is coming back and they have to get the whole place cleaned up in an hour! Good thing they have a whole staff of people at the stadium to do that for them. Meanwhile the team will be practicing. Hard to know what to expect from this game, but since Indy has more to play for I'll go with them. Plus, if they flunk this road test Irsay is gonna kill them.

Colts 23-20

San Francisco @ Detroit

It's a battle for draft supremacy! Or inferiocy? It doesn't appear that that's a word, but maybe it should be. Why does Webster get the final say? Who made him boss? It's a question I would also ask regarding Jim Tomsula, except we know the answer, and it's the reason the 49ers are sitting at 4-10. A win here would vault San Francisco out of the top 5 in draft order, so it would behoove them to lose, which shouldn't be a problem.

Lions 24-13

Dallas @ Buffalo

And now for the last in our season-long series of would-be Super Bowls. This was NOT Super Bowl I. After the 1966 season the Bills lost the AFL championship game to the Chiefs and the Cowboys fell to the Packers in the NFL championship game. Of course, Buffalo and Dallas did meet in Super Bowls XXVII and XXVIII, and judging by those contests we should probably be grateful that this wasn't the match-up for the inaugural game. The Cowboys will be starting Kellen Moore at quarterback this week. That's the end of this analysis.

Bills 20-13

Chicago @ Tampa Bay

A few weeks ago it seemed like this could be a game with playoff imps, now it looks like a match-up for playoff wimps ... which almost makes it seem as if these teams are in the playoffs, but wimps, which is simply not true. Ok the wimps part is true, but not the playoffs part. Jeez, that pun almost doesn't feel worth it now. Almost.

Buccaneers 27-23

Carolina @ Atlanta

These teams played two weeks ago, and Carolina won 38-0. I'll bet they wish they could have saved some of those points for this game. In fact, 1-0 would've sufficed. You're probably thinking that a 1-0 score isn't possible, but remember, they changed the PAT distance this year ...

Panthers 35-16

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

Why did the Ravens decide to go with gold pants last week? Even if they wanted to go gold, why that shade? It was disgusting. An affront to the hardworking Joe six-packs who just want to sit down and watch some football every Sunday and Monday and Thursday and sometimes Saturday. It's getting kind of exhausting actually, which makes these hideous pants even more offensive. Look, we're all working through injuries at this point in the season, and some of us are just playing out the string, the least you could do is dress like you still give a damn.

Steelers 38-17

Sunday Afternoon

Jacksonville @ New Orleans

The Jaguars managed to do something last Sunday that no NFL team has done since October, lose to the Falcons. It's an ignominious achievement, one that leaves Jacksonville with only the slimmest hopes of making the playoffs. But at 5-9, they're lucky to even be sniffing the postseason. As we all know though, jaguars have the strongest smelling power in all of the animal kingdom, so it makes sense that they'd pick up the playoff scent regardless of their record. And no, that fact about jaguars is not true, but it fits my narrative, so I don't care. Drew Brees is hurt, and the Saints' D is on their way to giving up a record number of passing touchdowns. Jacksonville should get the W.

Jaguars 35-30

Green Bay @ Arizona

Sound the alarms it's another 3P (PossiblePlayoffPreview). There's a good chance that these two teams will meet in this same location three weeks from now in the Divisional round. Then again, if the Packers get the win here they'll have a shot at stealing the #2 seed from the Cardinals and having that aforementioned Divisional round game be in Green Bay. Of course, if both teams decide during this game that football is too hard and that they'd no longer like to do it as a profession then neither team will make the playoffs at all. Everything's in play.

Cardinals 29-21

St. Louis @ Seattle

The Seahawks have officially made the playoffs for the fourth straight season. However, they'll be a wild card this time around after being the NFC's #1 seed each of the last two seasons. But do you think these guys give an eff? Well maybe, it's much easier to win two home games than three road games ... But for the most part, no! They give no effs. That being said, they should really try to get the #5 spot, because it would be a big help.

Seahawks 27-9

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Minnesota

As you know, it's been weeks since we've seen Cris Collinsworth. I had searched high and low, and even pretended to be Tony Romo when leaving him a desperate voicemail, but I heard nothing back. Then this mysterious clip arrived in my inbox. When I traced the IP address from the sender, the location of the computer simply came back as "The cliffs overlooking Cincinnati." I haven't watched it yet, let's take a look now:

CRIIIIIIIICOLLLLLLLL!!! He's back! God bless us, everyone!

Vikings 26-20 

Monday Night

Cincinnati @ Denver

Peyton Manning is still leading the NFL in interceptions. Peyton Manning hasn't played in the last five weeks. That's pretty astonishing, and as good an argument as any that Brock Osweiler should remain the Broncos' starting QB regardless of Manning's health status. Unless, of course, Manning's health status is reported as "superhuman." Then Denver should definitely play him as long as it isn't a violation of NFL rules. In this battle of backup signal callers I'll give the one playing at home with the better defense the edge.

Broncos 17-13


NFL Picks - Week 15

Saturday Night

New York Jets @ Dallas

At this point in the season we hear all about hot teams that other teams don't want to see in the playoffs. For instance, if you've been watching any sort of NFL related programming in the last couple weeks you've no doubt heard numerous pundits say that the Steelers are the team that no one wants to see in the playoffs. Well, the Jets are the team that no fans want to see in the playoffs. Fortunately they'd be bumped out in a three-way tie scenario with the Chiefs and Steelers. And that's what the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE was founded on, three-way tie scenarios. Also, this was NOT Super Bowl XVII. But that was after the strike-shortened 1982 season, in which a kicker was named MVP, so there's not much point in discussing it.

Jets 20-16

Sunday Morning

Chicago @ Minnesota

Robbie Gould has missed a game winning and game tying field goal for the Bears in consecutive weeks. Meanwhile, Teddy Bridgewater simply sat in the pocket and took a strip-sack while in field goal range down 3 with :10 left. Do these guys even want to win?!? I called both teams' headquarters to ask them that very question. The response I got? "Piss off loser." It's weird that both of them would say the exact same thing.

Vikings 23-20

Atlanta @ Jacksonville

The Jags are only a game back in the AFC South, could they actually make the playoffs? The odds are pretty slim due to the fact that someone has to win the Texans/Colts match-up listed below. Then again, there's always the possibility of a tie, and I'm not just talking about that new 50 Shades of Grey movie, am I right ladies?!? What's that? It came out a year ago? And that reference would have been hacky even if it were topical? And you hate my hair? Hmm, well thanks for the input, even though that last one seemed unrelated, and frankly a little mean-spirited. Anyway, I'll take Gus Bradley's squad over Dan Quinn's in this battle of former Seattle defensive coordinators.

Jaguars 30-20

Houston @ Indianapolis

With Matthew Hasselbeck's injury, and Andrew Luck still sidelined, it appears that Charlie Whitehurst may be called upon to start for the Colts. Clipboard Jesus has risen! And he's five days early. Yes, I realize that Jesus rose on Easter, not Christmas, but c'mon, it sounded cool. You know what doesn't sound cool to Indianapolis fans? "Charlie Whitehurst may be called upon to start for the Colts."

Texans 10-6

Carolina @ New York Giants

As I mentioned last week the Panthers will be expected to win all of their remaining games, but I believe they'll slip up somewhere, and that somewhere is here. I don't need to tell you that the Giants have a history of knocking off undefeated teams. And if I do need to tell you about it, then call me on my cell and we'll discuss it. New York gave the then unbeaten Patriots a spirited contest last month, and I expect them to do the same this Sunday against Carolina. Except this time they'll hold on to the game-clinching interception during the opposition's final drive.

Giants 24-23

Tennessee @ New England

Only a crazy person would pick the lowly Titans to go into Foxborough and defeat the mighty Patriots, right? Right. And since I'm not crazy, I won't do it. I don't care what those so-called "world renowned psychologists" say. Look, if Gerald isn't real, then who smeared feces all over my apartment? It certainly wasn't me ... I'm sure of it ... Only a crazy a person would do such a thing.

Patriots 35-20

Buffalo @ Washington

I don't like to mention the nickname of the Washington football team too much, because I don't want to draw attention to racism. That being said, I feel like I have to acknowledge it this week because of the match-up we have here. It's a tale as old as time, Native Americans vs. buffaloes. I'll pick the Redskins to win this battle, just like in real life. And, of course, after slaying their opposition they will use every part of the Bills, unlike the greedy white man who desecrate the carcasses of every buffalo they fell. I just made it much worse, didn't I?

Redskins 27-24

Kansas City @ Baltimore

The Chiefs' late season schedule reminds me of a wide receiver that's been left alone downfield and is just running into the end zone looking around in disbelief for defenders. Right now Kansas City is streaking unabated thinking, really? No good teams left? Awesome! I guess this will just be an easy score. And they're right, those smug pricks. They remind me of John Schnatter.

Chiefs 27-10

Sunday Afternoon

Cleveland @ Seattle

Much has been made of Browns coach Mike Pettine's comments about Russell Wilson not being a top tier NFL quarterback. I'm not sure that his comments are too inflammatory. Does it really matter what Mike Pettine says anyway? Is he on the lowest tier of NFL coaches? Probably not, but he's certainly been performing like it lately. Squash match.

Seahawks 38-8

Green Bay @ Oakland

Kahlil Mack? More like Kahlil Sack! Am I right? You're not laughing. That's fine. I can sit here as long as it takes, but so help me God, you will laugh. ...  Whoops! ... Got ya! A laugh is a laugh, doesn't matter what the cause was. I'm sure the Packers would tell you the same thing, replacing "laugh" with "win." But they'd keep the fart noise, for obvious reasons.

Packers 28-25

Denver @ Pittsburgh

It's another 3P! Possible ... Playoff ... Preview! And as you know, any game with playoff implications is a prime candidate for an appearance by the playoff imps. What sort of pranks, trickery, and twisted merriment will they have in store for this contest? It's anyone's guess. But if I had to prognosticate, I would imagine that they will tamper with Mike Tomlin's 2 point conversion cheat sheet resulting in the coach going for two in ridiculous scenarios that make little to no sense. Come to think of it, they may have already performed that prank at the beginning of the season.

Steelers 24-17

Miami @ San Diego

This could very well be the last Chargers game in San Diego; a possibility that I have to believe is fresh in the players' minds. I have to believe this because otherwise I wouldn't know who to pick in this game. This way I have an easy angle that allows me to feel good about my prediction. Please reward my laziness Chargers, and good luck in your future endeavors.

Chargers 26-21

Cincinnati @ San Francisco

While explaining his admiration for Brett Favre, the Bengals' new starting quarterback A.J. McCarron said the following during a press conference this week "He always reminded me of that four year old kid that won the starting job by raising his right arm and raising his left arm and being the only one that got it right. And it's what I love about the game is that it's a game." When you hear a quote like that it really makes you take a step back and ask, what the fuck are you talking about?!? What four year old has to win a starting job? And when and where was this arm raising test ever conducted? After hearing McCarron talk I have no choice but to pick San Francisco.

49ers 17-16

Sunday Night

Arizona @ Philadelphia

Well, the news is not great. I've reached out to Cris Collinsworth numerous times in the past week, pleading with him to return, but there has been no response. He's nowhere to be found. As a result I was forced to approach other luminaries of the NFL analyst field with the opportunity to provide their insight to this blog. After all of them turned me down, I received an unsolicited message from the following individual expressing his interest, but more importantly, claiming to have knowledge of CriColl's whereabouts. While it's against my better judgment, I feel like we should hear him out. So without further ado, (SIGH) here's Phil Simms:

I'm so sorry. Just like you, I feel sick to my stomach after hearing that man babble unintelligibly. CriColl, if you're reading this, please come back! Look what we've been subjected to. We can't listen to another clip from Phil Simms. Save us from this monster! Save us CriColl!!! 

Cardinals 27-20

Monday Night

Detroit @ New Orleans
On paper this game might not look like much. But you're not reading this on paper, so what does it look like on a screen? Sill lame, huh? I suppose it wouldn't make much sense for me to waste any more time dissecting this match-up then ... or would it? Nope, it wouldn't. See ya next week gang!

Saints 35-32


NFL Picks - Week 15 Thursday

Tampa Bay @ St. Louis

Color Rush is back! And it's the Bucs in all red vs. the Rams in all yellow. As you may know, red and yellow have been proven by psychologists to be the two colors that most evoke feelings of hunger in humans, which explains why most major fast food chains use that combo in their logos. If you ask me this whole game is a conspiracy by the NFL and Papa John's. After laying eyes on the uniforms the viewing audience will become voracious with hunger by the first commercial break. When the inevitable Peyton Manning/JJ Watt Papa John's ad comes on, salivating fans across the country will lunge for their phones and order a record amount of PJ's. And this smug prick will be laughing all the way to the bank.

Buccaneers 23-21


NFL Picks - Week 14

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Baltimore

Some variation of the following phrase gets thrown around quite a bit in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE: "When we're on our game, we feel like no one can beat us." But does that really mean anything? Is there any team in the league that feels like when they're playing at their best that they're still going to lose? If you're playing at your best doesn't it imply that you're beating the other team? That being said, the Seahawks seemed to be "on their game" last week, and it sure didn't look like anybody could beat that team that day. Seattle's offense especially has looked nearly unstoppable recently. They've scored 19 touchdowns over the last four games after only scoring 16 touchdowns over their first eight games. Clearly something has clicked offensively. Look for it to keep clicking on Sunday, but not like an annoying click, a really cool, badass click.

Seahawks 31-3

Buffalo @ Philadelphia

In his return to Philadelphia LeSean McCoy will go head to head with the man he was traded for, Eagles' MLB Kiko Alonso. Their careers are now inexorably intertwined. With that in mind. what if they collide in the hole on Sunday and swap bodies like countless movies before them. How long would it take for us to realize what had happened? Come to think of it we'd probably catch on before the next play when they each ran back to the wrong huddle. Philly is coming off a big victory over New England, but one win does not totally de-lousy a team. I'll go with Buffalo.

Bills 23-20

San Francisco @ Cleveland

Johnny Manziel is back as the Browns' starter, and apparently on a short leash according to head coach Mike Pettine, who said that repercussions would be severe if Manziel errs off the field again. Is it me or does it seem like Pettine would rather Johnny screw up so that he would have an excuse to get rid of him? What I'm getting at is that we may be headed toward a Son-in-Law style blackmail scenario in which a drugged Manziel ends up naked in a barn with a buxom vixen. If Tiffani Amber Thiessen is seen in Cleveland at any point in the next few weeks, we'll have our answer.

49ers 20-16

Detroit @ St. Louis

There are 11 morning games this week, meaning we'll have to ignore a few come Sunday. This one is a prime candidate. It would have been a bit more interesting if the Lions had won last week, but apparently they weren't interested in stopping a Hail Mary. In case you hadn't heard, they were defending the sideline on an un-timed down. Even more egregious, however, is the fact that they didn't put Golden Tate in on defense; we know he's good at catching Hail Marys, seems like a no-brainer. Despite Detroit coming off a devastating loss I can't in good conscience pick the Rams, a phrase I'm almost certain I've typed before.

Lions 22-17

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

At this point no result would surprise me with the Bucs' remaining schedule. They could go 0-4, 4-0, or anywhere in between and I wouldn't be shocked. Now, if they managed to go 5-0? That would be something else.

Buccaneers 28-23

Tennessee @ New York Jets

Did you know that when these teams met last season it resulted in the only 16-11 final score in the history of the NFL? Well that's a fact. And I can only assume that they'll make history again this Sunday. After scouring the record books for never-before-seen final scores I've settled on the following ...

Jets 26-25

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

The Steelers' offense has been putting up some huge offensive numbers, totaling 143 points in their last 4 games. As impressive as they've looked, I have to believe that Antonio Brown hurt his balls when he jumped into the goalpost stanchion after a punt return touchdown on Sunday night. Most wide receivers don't wear cups, because it limits their mobility, so there's no way Brown made it out of that unscathed. I suppose I understand where the WRs are coming from, but I know if I were on the field I would wear all the protection I could get. Hell, I wear a cup in everyday life, just in case. Doesn't hurt the bulge either. This one's a 3P (Possible Playoff Preview), so watch closely. I think Pittsburgh's hot streak continues.

Steelers 34-31

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

Tis a somber day, for Matthew Hasselbeck hath finally lost. However, I didn't get a chance to see much of the game, so if I didn't see it, did it really happen? It's like that old saying, if a tree falls in a forest and millions of people hear it, but I don't, did it make a sound? I say no. MH will make plenty of noise this Sunday as Indy gets back above .500.

Colts 26-23

San Diego @ Kansas City

After a 1-5 start the Chiefs have won 6 games in a row. Looking ahead at their remaining schedule it seems more than feasible that they'll extend that streak to 10 games and finish at 11-5. Of course, any discussion of such a hot stretch brings to mind that famous Vince Lombardi quote, "10 game winning streaks are a thing of beauty. If I had my choice I'd win 'em all. That might sound greedy, but I say greed is good. And you can quote me on that one baby!" That was from an interview with a young Oliver Stone, and guess what? He did quote him on that!

Chiefs 28-10

Washington @ Chicago

Both teams are 5-7, yet one is currently sitting in playoff position while the other has only a very slim chance at playing in the postseason. This doesn't seem fair until you consider that it's based solely on geography, then it makes total sense.

Bears 27-24

Atlanta @ Carolina

If you look at the Panthers' four remaining games it's not unlikely that they would win each of them in a vacuum. But, as I've said in years past, games aren't played in vacuums; nobody would be able to pass. I still think they'll slip up at least once, but not in this one.

Panthers 30-20

Sunday Afternoon

Oakland @ Denver

Brock Osweiler is now 3-0 as a starter, but let's be honest, he's not exactly setting the world on fire. If he were he would surely be arrested, or at the very least pursued, for arson. Denver's defense is good enough that he really just has to limit his mistakes and hope for the best. But hey, isn't that what we all do in our everyday life? Is Brock Osweiler that different from you or I? He's just a man trying his best, and damn it, I can't fault the MFer for that.

Broncos 20-13

Dallas @ Green Bay

The Packers are a competent Hail Mary defense away from having lost 5 of 6. Instead they're now leading the NFC North and have a good shot at extending that lead to one game with Matt Cassel and the Cowboys coming to town. Though, the last two teams that visited Lambeau came out on top, so a Dallas upset wouldn't be out of the question. It also wouldn't be out of the question for Dez Bryant to get called for a facemask penalty against Aaron Rodgers while making a potentially game-winning catch. I'm not sure how exactly it would happen, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Packers 23-13

Sunday Night

New England @ Houston

If you saw last week's video, you'll know that Cris Collinsworth's return seemed questionable due to his emotional devastation following Tony Romo's season-ending collarbone injury. But good news everyone, CriColl is back, and he hasn't missed a beat:

Ok, I'll admit it, that was merely me attempting to do a Cris Collinsworth impression. I don't know what to say, he's been unreachable for the past week. I'll do my best to find him, but if I don't I may have to explore other options ...

Texans 21-19

Monday Night

New York Giants @ Miami

A few weeks ago, I suggested that the Giants may have another run in them akin to their championship seasons of '07 & '11. They haven't won since. In other words, they're sucking us all in again! Clever girls.

Giants 29-21


NFL Picks - Week 14 Thursday

Minnesota @ Arizona

After watching the Vikings get decimated on Sunday, I have to wonder, are they broken now? If you have a solid run D, and can force Teddy Bridgewater to beat you, you have a great shot at topping Minnesota. Not you specifically. I've seen you play, your run D isn't that great, no offense. Seriously though, Bridgewater has only thrown 8 touchdowns this year. 8! What, does he play for Navy? Arizona should be able to exploit that the same way the Seahawks did last Sunday.

Cardinals 27-13


NFL Picks - Week 13

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Minnesota

It's that time of year again when we start to hear about the Triple P ... Possible ... Playoff ... Preview! And we have one right here. In fact, if the playoffs started today this would be a first round match-up. Of course, the playoffs do not start today, and I won't even go into just how absurd it would be for that to happen. Last Sunday the Seahawks put up 39 points, their highest total since Super Bowl XLVIII, and scored 6 touchdowns, their most since Week 3 of 2013. The offense will face a much tougher test on the road this week against a solid Vikings defense. Will the Hawks be able to get the job done? You don't read this blog much do you? A note on the uniforms: this will be the first time since Week 5 that Seattle has worn their white road jerseys, but what pants will they go with? My guess is they'll double up and go all white. That being said, they still have one gray on gray combo available left this season, so that's the wild card ... which the Hawks currently are.

Seahawks 23-16

New York Jets @ New York Giants

Here's a little known fact: these two teams play in the same city. Look again at their names. Did you catch it this time? To celebrate the meeting of the two squads who play in MetLife Stadium the Peanuts theme will be played over the PA system on a loop throughout the game. Will it delightful at times? Yes. Will it be ultimately maddening? Absolutely. In other words it will be just like Eli Manning.

Giants 27-26

Arizona @ St. Louis

It feels like ages ago, but the Rams actually have a victory over the Cardinals this season. Of course, that was before Nick Foles apparently ate the fish from Airplane! and lost all ability to function. There's clearly a huge problem in St. Louis right now ... It's a major U.S. city on the Mississippi River with an arch, but that's not important right now. What does matter is that opposing defenses can gear up solely to stop Todd Gurley and not have to worry about much else from the Rams' paltry attack. It's a completely ineffective offensive game plan, altogether ... (please tell me you said it?)

Cardinals 24-17

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay

I'm not saying I'm upset that Atlanta has fallen flat on their face, but it's been pretty jarring. They're now technically on the outside of the NFC playoff picture looking in. It seems clear now that they were just photobombing that whole time, and that they were never supposed to be in said NFC playoff picture. Don't worry, everybody's lining up to take the NFC playoff picture again, and the Falcons have been shooed away; it will be difficult for them to get back in it.

Buccaneers 30-20

Houston @ Buffalo

The Texans are in wild card position? How did this happen? I'll tell ya how: defense. They've only given up 35 points in their last four games. As I understand it there are rarely wild cards in Texas Hold 'em, but the wild card may go to Houston if the Texans hold 'em (their opponents) to more low point totals in the weeks to come.

Texans 16-13

Baltimore @ Miami

Matt Schaub returned to action on Monday and did not disappoint, throwing a pick six and another interception that could very well have cost the Ravens the game, had they not been playing the Browns. He's like a ticking time bomb. It's as if he has nor regard for protecting the ball, and perhaps, to a larger extent himself. Have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff and had the briefest masochistic thought of what it might be like to jump? I get the feeling that Schaub would just jump. Not because he a thrill-seeker, because he's an idiot.

Dolphins 30-27

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

With Josh McCown out for the season the Browns now turn to Austin Davis instead of Johnny Manziel. This has to be a sobering experience for Johnny. In fact, any sort of sobering experience would be a step in the right direction.

Bengals 34-20

Jacksonville @ Tennessee

We just saw this game! In fact, I can't un-see it, the Jags' unis are etched into my hippocampus. They will never leave me. I just hope they aren't the last thing I think about before I die. What do I expect to be the last thing to cross my mind before I die you may be wondering? Probably this:

Jaguars 27-23

San Francisco @ Chicago

The Bears are in the hunt for a playoff spot. The Niners are in the hunt for a draft spot. To me it makes the most sense for the team captains to have a pregame meeting at midfield and agree to award the victory to Chicago. I've never seen it explicitly stated in the rule book that this illegal. Of course, I've never read the rule book, so I haven't ever actually seen anything explicitly stated in there.

Bears 28-14

Sunday Afternoon

Denver @ San Diego

The Chargers probably didn't do themselves any favors in terms of draft positioning by winning at Jacksonville last week. Then again, you can't tell Philip Rivers to stop trying, it's just going to make him go harder. His wife suggested he not try so hard a few years back, and look now: 8 kids! That being said, the Broncos, and most likely hoards of their fans will invade Qualcomm Stadium on Sunday, which should make Rivers' efforts futile. Just to be clear I'm talking about his efforts on the field, not in terms of procreation. He'll probably impregnate his wife before the weekend is over.

Broncos 24-17

Kansas City @ Oakland

Last season I shortened the term 'playoff implications' to 'playoff imps,' leading to a fantastical idea that mischievous playoff imps would wreak havoc on games with postseason consequences. Well keep an eye out for the imps in this contest, because there are certainly future ramifications riding on it. The Chiefs have scored 160 points in their five game win streak, while the Raiders stemmed the tide last week with their first win in four games. In other words, this is a must win for Oakland. But as you may know, it's hard to count on Oakland for a must win in anything other than the award for 'Team with the second most B-Roll shots of San Francisco during their national sports broadcasts.'

Chiefs 30-24

Carolina @ New Orleans

This past week I had a bit of a cough for a couple days. Usually when I cough in public I'll employ the so called "Dracula" method. In case you're unfamiliar with that term, it's when you raise the crux of your elbow to your mouth to muffle the cough. However, this time around I was reluctant to do it because I didn't want people to think I was "dabbing." That's how much I don't want to be associated with Cam Newton.

Panthers 24-17

Philadelphia @ New England

Don't you think Sam Bradford felt at least a little bit gratified by the Eagles' consecutive blowout losses in his absence? It reminds me of the scene in Varsity Blues when Coach Kilmer claims that injured QB Lance Harbor was "praying we'd lose, so he could be the missing link!" Of course, those two weeks did more for Bradford than he ever could if he were actually on the field because, well, he's not very good. Tom Brady (he's the Patriots' quarterback) is still dealing with a skeleton crew of offensive weapons, but the aforementioned Bradford is basically a skeleton waiting to be broken, so I'll take New England.

Patriots 30-17

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

Cue the fanfare, sound the trumpets, release the confetti, and call your friends! It's time once again for everybody's favorite moment of the week ... Cris Collinsworth!

Oh my goodness. I've never seen CriColl so inconsolable. I think Romo's injury is still just a bit too fresh in his mind. I refuse to believe he would actually leave us hanging for the rest of the season ... As for this game, Matthew Hasselbeck has been doing the Seahawks favors this month by beating their NFC wild card competition. Well the Hawks sent him a thank you note in the form of last week's game tape of the Pittsburgh D getting shredded. Hasselbeck will take notes, then take advantage.

Colts 27-25

Monday Night

Dallas @ Washington

Did you know that Washington is 5-1 at home this season? Making matters worse for the visiting Cowboys, they now have to turn, once again, to their back-up quarterback Matt Cassel, because, as I was told by a good friend (see above), Tony Romo is done for the season. Cassel is 0-2 on the road this season, so things aren't looking too promising for Dallas. Then again, Cassel is also 0-2 at home, so it might not matter where this game is played.

Redskins 26-16


NFL Picks - Week 13 Thursday

Green Bay @ Detroit

The Packers are cruising as per usual, winning three straight games coming into this match-up with the hapless Lions, who have lost four of their last five ... Wait a minute, what? It's the opposite?!? Well now I don't know what to think. Is it really possible that Detroit's turnaround can be attributed to a guy named Jim Bob Cooter? There are too many questions and not enough answers, like a trivial pursuit card with a grease stain on the back (initial reports indicate that the grease was from a Hot Pocket, but I've also heard rumblings of Totino's pizza rolls, and I'm not just talking about my stomach! But seriously folks, let's get back to the game ... Or not. Who says we have to? I don't want to talk about this game anymore anyway! I guess I should though, that was kind of the point of this whole thing. Ugh, fine.). I have to imagine that the Packers will get the win here despite their recent struggles. And if not, well then I'll be a Jim Bob Cooter.

Packers 24-20