NFL Picks - Week 13

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Minnesota

It's that time of year again when we start to hear about the Triple P ... Possible ... Playoff ... Preview! And we have one right here. In fact, if the playoffs started today this would be a first round match-up. Of course, the playoffs do not start today, and I won't even go into just how absurd it would be for that to happen. Last Sunday the Seahawks put up 39 points, their highest total since Super Bowl XLVIII, and scored 6 touchdowns, their most since Week 3 of 2013. The offense will face a much tougher test on the road this week against a solid Vikings defense. Will the Hawks be able to get the job done? You don't read this blog much do you? A note on the uniforms: this will be the first time since Week 5 that Seattle has worn their white road jerseys, but what pants will they go with? My guess is they'll double up and go all white. That being said, they still have one gray on gray combo available left this season, so that's the wild card ... which the Hawks currently are.

Seahawks 23-16

New York Jets @ New York Giants

Here's a little known fact: these two teams play in the same city. Look again at their names. Did you catch it this time? To celebrate the meeting of the two squads who play in MetLife Stadium the Peanuts theme will be played over the PA system on a loop throughout the game. Will it delightful at times? Yes. Will it be ultimately maddening? Absolutely. In other words it will be just like Eli Manning.

Giants 27-26

Arizona @ St. Louis

It feels like ages ago, but the Rams actually have a victory over the Cardinals this season. Of course, that was before Nick Foles apparently ate the fish from Airplane! and lost all ability to function. There's clearly a huge problem in St. Louis right now ... It's a major U.S. city on the Mississippi River with an arch, but that's not important right now. What does matter is that opposing defenses can gear up solely to stop Todd Gurley and not have to worry about much else from the Rams' paltry attack. It's a completely ineffective offensive game plan, altogether ... (please tell me you said it?)

Cardinals 24-17

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay

I'm not saying I'm upset that Atlanta has fallen flat on their face, but it's been pretty jarring. They're now technically on the outside of the NFC playoff picture looking in. It seems clear now that they were just photobombing that whole time, and that they were never supposed to be in said NFC playoff picture. Don't worry, everybody's lining up to take the NFC playoff picture again, and the Falcons have been shooed away; it will be difficult for them to get back in it.

Buccaneers 30-20

Houston @ Buffalo

The Texans are in wild card position? How did this happen? I'll tell ya how: defense. They've only given up 35 points in their last four games. As I understand it there are rarely wild cards in Texas Hold 'em, but the wild card may go to Houston if the Texans hold 'em (their opponents) to more low point totals in the weeks to come.

Texans 16-13

Baltimore @ Miami

Matt Schaub returned to action on Monday and did not disappoint, throwing a pick six and another interception that could very well have cost the Ravens the game, had they not been playing the Browns. He's like a ticking time bomb. It's as if he has nor regard for protecting the ball, and perhaps, to a larger extent himself. Have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff and had the briefest masochistic thought of what it might be like to jump? I get the feeling that Schaub would just jump. Not because he a thrill-seeker, because he's an idiot.

Dolphins 30-27

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

With Josh McCown out for the season the Browns now turn to Austin Davis instead of Johnny Manziel. This has to be a sobering experience for Johnny. In fact, any sort of sobering experience would be a step in the right direction.

Bengals 34-20

Jacksonville @ Tennessee

We just saw this game! In fact, I can't un-see it, the Jags' unis are etched into my hippocampus. They will never leave me. I just hope they aren't the last thing I think about before I die. What do I expect to be the last thing to cross my mind before I die you may be wondering? Probably this:

Jaguars 27-23

San Francisco @ Chicago

The Bears are in the hunt for a playoff spot. The Niners are in the hunt for a draft spot. To me it makes the most sense for the team captains to have a pregame meeting at midfield and agree to award the victory to Chicago. I've never seen it explicitly stated in the rule book that this illegal. Of course, I've never read the rule book, so I haven't ever actually seen anything explicitly stated in there.

Bears 28-14

Sunday Afternoon

Denver @ San Diego

The Chargers probably didn't do themselves any favors in terms of draft positioning by winning at Jacksonville last week. Then again, you can't tell Philip Rivers to stop trying, it's just going to make him go harder. His wife suggested he not try so hard a few years back, and look now: 8 kids! That being said, the Broncos, and most likely hoards of their fans will invade Qualcomm Stadium on Sunday, which should make Rivers' efforts futile. Just to be clear I'm talking about his efforts on the field, not in terms of procreation. He'll probably impregnate his wife before the weekend is over.

Broncos 24-17

Kansas City @ Oakland

Last season I shortened the term 'playoff implications' to 'playoff imps,' leading to a fantastical idea that mischievous playoff imps would wreak havoc on games with postseason consequences. Well keep an eye out for the imps in this contest, because there are certainly future ramifications riding on it. The Chiefs have scored 160 points in their five game win streak, while the Raiders stemmed the tide last week with their first win in four games. In other words, this is a must win for Oakland. But as you may know, it's hard to count on Oakland for a must win in anything other than the award for 'Team with the second most B-Roll shots of San Francisco during their national sports broadcasts.'

Chiefs 30-24

Carolina @ New Orleans

This past week I had a bit of a cough for a couple days. Usually when I cough in public I'll employ the so called "Dracula" method. In case you're unfamiliar with that term, it's when you raise the crux of your elbow to your mouth to muffle the cough. However, this time around I was reluctant to do it because I didn't want people to think I was "dabbing." That's how much I don't want to be associated with Cam Newton.

Panthers 24-17

Philadelphia @ New England

Don't you think Sam Bradford felt at least a little bit gratified by the Eagles' consecutive blowout losses in his absence? It reminds me of the scene in Varsity Blues when Coach Kilmer claims that injured QB Lance Harbor was "praying we'd lose, so he could be the missing link!" Of course, those two weeks did more for Bradford than he ever could if he were actually on the field because, well, he's not very good. Tom Brady (he's the Patriots' quarterback) is still dealing with a skeleton crew of offensive weapons, but the aforementioned Bradford is basically a skeleton waiting to be broken, so I'll take New England.

Patriots 30-17

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

Cue the fanfare, sound the trumpets, release the confetti, and call your friends! It's time once again for everybody's favorite moment of the week ... Cris Collinsworth!

Oh my goodness. I've never seen CriColl so inconsolable. I think Romo's injury is still just a bit too fresh in his mind. I refuse to believe he would actually leave us hanging for the rest of the season ... As for this game, Matthew Hasselbeck has been doing the Seahawks favors this month by beating their NFC wild card competition. Well the Hawks sent him a thank you note in the form of last week's game tape of the Pittsburgh D getting shredded. Hasselbeck will take notes, then take advantage.

Colts 27-25

Monday Night

Dallas @ Washington

Did you know that Washington is 5-1 at home this season? Making matters worse for the visiting Cowboys, they now have to turn, once again, to their back-up quarterback Matt Cassel, because, as I was told by a good friend (see above), Tony Romo is done for the season. Cassel is 0-2 on the road this season, so things aren't looking too promising for Dallas. Then again, Cassel is also 0-2 at home, so it might not matter where this game is played.

Redskins 26-16

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