Saturday Night
New York Jets @ Dallas
At this point in the season we hear all about hot teams that other teams don't want to see in the playoffs. For instance, if you've been watching any sort of NFL related programming in the last couple weeks you've no doubt heard numerous pundits say that the Steelers are the team that no one wants to see in the playoffs. Well, the Jets are the team that no fans want to see in the playoffs. Fortunately they'd be bumped out in a three-way tie scenario with the Chiefs and Steelers. And that's what the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE was founded on, three-way tie scenarios. Also, this was NOT Super Bowl XVII. But that was after the strike-shortened 1982 season, in which a kicker was named MVP, so there's not much point in discussing it.
Jets 20-16
Sunday Morning
Chicago @ Minnesota
Robbie Gould has missed a game winning and game tying field goal for the Bears in consecutive weeks. Meanwhile, Teddy Bridgewater simply sat in the pocket and took a strip-sack while in field goal range down 3 with :10 left. Do these guys even want to win?!? I called both teams' headquarters to ask them that very question. The response I got? "Piss off loser." It's weird that both of them would say the exact same thing.
Vikings 23-20
Atlanta @ Jacksonville
The Jags are only a game back in the AFC South, could they actually make the playoffs? The odds are pretty slim due to the fact that someone has to win the Texans/Colts match-up listed below. Then again, there's always the possibility of a tie, and I'm not just talking about that new 50 Shades of Grey movie, am I right ladies?!? What's that? It came out a year ago? And that reference would have been hacky even if it were topical? And you hate my hair? Hmm, well thanks for the input, even though that last one seemed unrelated, and frankly a little mean-spirited. Anyway, I'll take Gus Bradley's squad over Dan Quinn's in this battle of former Seattle defensive coordinators.
Jaguars 30-20
Houston @ Indianapolis
With Matthew Hasselbeck's injury, and Andrew Luck still sidelined, it appears that Charlie Whitehurst may be called upon to start for the Colts. Clipboard Jesus has risen! And he's five days early. Yes, I realize that Jesus rose on Easter, not Christmas, but c'mon, it sounded cool. You know what doesn't sound cool to Indianapolis fans? "Charlie Whitehurst may be called upon to start for the Colts."
Texans 10-6
Carolina @ New York Giants
As I mentioned last week the Panthers will be expected to win all of their remaining games, but I believe they'll slip up somewhere, and that somewhere is here. I don't need to tell you that the Giants have a history of knocking off undefeated teams. And if I do need to tell you about it, then call me on my cell and we'll discuss it. New York gave the then unbeaten Patriots a spirited contest last month, and I expect them to do the same this Sunday against Carolina. Except this time they'll hold on to the game-clinching interception during the opposition's final drive.
Giants 24-23
Tennessee @ New England
Only a crazy person would pick the lowly Titans to go into Foxborough and defeat the mighty Patriots, right? Right. And since I'm not crazy, I won't do it. I don't care what those so-called "world renowned psychologists" say. Look, if Gerald isn't real, then who smeared feces all over my apartment? It certainly wasn't me ... I'm sure of it ... Only a crazy a person would do such a thing.
Patriots 35-20
Buffalo @ Washington
I don't like to mention the nickname of the Washington football team too much, because I don't want to draw attention to racism. That being said, I feel like I have to acknowledge it this week because of the match-up we have here. It's a tale as old as time, Native Americans vs. buffaloes. I'll pick the Redskins to win this battle, just like in real life. And, of course, after slaying their opposition they will use every part of the Bills, unlike the greedy white man who desecrate the carcasses of every buffalo they fell. I just made it much worse, didn't I?
Redskins 27-24
Kansas City @ Baltimore
The Chiefs' late season schedule reminds me of a wide receiver that's been left alone downfield and is just running into the end zone looking around in disbelief for defenders. Right now Kansas City is streaking unabated thinking, really? No good teams left? Awesome! I guess this will just be an easy score. And they're right, those smug pricks. They remind me of John Schnatter.
Chiefs 27-10
Sunday Afternoon
Cleveland @ Seattle
Much has been made of Browns coach Mike Pettine's comments about Russell Wilson not being a top tier NFL quarterback. I'm not sure that his comments are too inflammatory. Does it really matter what Mike Pettine says anyway? Is he on the lowest tier of NFL coaches? Probably not, but he's certainly been performing like it lately. Squash match.
Seahawks 38-8
Green Bay @ Oakland
Kahlil Mack? More like Kahlil Sack! Am I right? You're not laughing. That's fine. I can sit here as long as it takes, but so help me God, you will laugh. ... Whoops! ... Got ya! A laugh is a laugh, doesn't matter what the cause was. I'm sure the Packers would tell you the same thing, replacing "laugh" with "win." But they'd keep the fart noise, for obvious reasons.
Packers 28-25
Denver @ Pittsburgh
It's another 3P! Possible ... Playoff ... Preview! And as you know, any game with playoff implications is a prime candidate for an appearance by the playoff imps. What sort of pranks, trickery, and twisted merriment will they have in store for this contest? It's anyone's guess. But if I had to prognosticate, I would imagine that they will tamper with Mike Tomlin's 2 point conversion cheat sheet resulting in the coach going for two in ridiculous scenarios that make little to no sense. Come to think of it, they may have already performed that prank at the beginning of the season.
Steelers 24-17
Miami @ San Diego
This could very well be the last Chargers game in San Diego; a possibility that I have to believe is fresh in the players' minds. I have to believe this because otherwise I wouldn't know who to pick in this game. This way I have an easy angle that allows me to feel good about my prediction. Please reward my laziness Chargers, and good luck in your future endeavors.
Chargers 26-21
Cincinnati @ San Francisco
While explaining his admiration for Brett Favre, the Bengals' new starting quarterback A.J. McCarron said the following during a press conference this week "He always reminded me of that four year old kid that won the starting job by raising his right arm and raising his left arm and being the only one that got it right. And it's what I love about the game is that it's a game." When you hear a quote like that it really makes you take a step back and ask, what the fuck are you talking about?!? What four year old has to win a starting job? And when and where was this arm raising test ever conducted? After hearing McCarron talk I have no choice but to pick San Francisco.
49ers 17-16
Sunday Night
Arizona @ Philadelphia
Well, the news is not great. I've reached out to Cris Collinsworth numerous times in the past week, pleading with him to return, but there has been no response. He's nowhere to be found. As a result I was forced to approach other luminaries of the NFL analyst field with the opportunity to provide their insight to this blog. After all of them turned me down, I received an unsolicited message from the following individual expressing his interest, but more importantly, claiming to have knowledge of CriColl's whereabouts. While it's against my better judgment, I feel like we should hear him out. So without further ado, (SIGH) here's Phil Simms:
I'm so sorry. Just like you, I feel sick to my stomach after hearing that man babble unintelligibly. CriColl, if you're reading this, please come back! Look what we've been subjected to. We can't listen to another clip from Phil Simms. Save us from this monster! Save us CriColl!!!
Monday Night
Detroit @ New Orleans
Saints 35-32
New York Jets @ Dallas
At this point in the season we hear all about hot teams that other teams don't want to see in the playoffs. For instance, if you've been watching any sort of NFL related programming in the last couple weeks you've no doubt heard numerous pundits say that the Steelers are the team that no one wants to see in the playoffs. Well, the Jets are the team that no fans want to see in the playoffs. Fortunately they'd be bumped out in a three-way tie scenario with the Chiefs and Steelers. And that's what the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE was founded on, three-way tie scenarios. Also, this was NOT Super Bowl XVII. But that was after the strike-shortened 1982 season, in which a kicker was named MVP, so there's not much point in discussing it.
Jets 20-16
Sunday Morning
Chicago @ Minnesota
Robbie Gould has missed a game winning and game tying field goal for the Bears in consecutive weeks. Meanwhile, Teddy Bridgewater simply sat in the pocket and took a strip-sack while in field goal range down 3 with :10 left. Do these guys even want to win?!? I called both teams' headquarters to ask them that very question. The response I got? "Piss off loser." It's weird that both of them would say the exact same thing.
Vikings 23-20
Atlanta @ Jacksonville
The Jags are only a game back in the AFC South, could they actually make the playoffs? The odds are pretty slim due to the fact that someone has to win the Texans/Colts match-up listed below. Then again, there's always the possibility of a tie, and I'm not just talking about that new 50 Shades of Grey movie, am I right ladies?!? What's that? It came out a year ago? And that reference would have been hacky even if it were topical? And you hate my hair? Hmm, well thanks for the input, even though that last one seemed unrelated, and frankly a little mean-spirited. Anyway, I'll take Gus Bradley's squad over Dan Quinn's in this battle of former Seattle defensive coordinators.
Jaguars 30-20
Houston @ Indianapolis
With Matthew Hasselbeck's injury, and Andrew Luck still sidelined, it appears that Charlie Whitehurst may be called upon to start for the Colts. Clipboard Jesus has risen! And he's five days early. Yes, I realize that Jesus rose on Easter, not Christmas, but c'mon, it sounded cool. You know what doesn't sound cool to Indianapolis fans? "Charlie Whitehurst may be called upon to start for the Colts."
Texans 10-6
Carolina @ New York Giants
As I mentioned last week the Panthers will be expected to win all of their remaining games, but I believe they'll slip up somewhere, and that somewhere is here. I don't need to tell you that the Giants have a history of knocking off undefeated teams. And if I do need to tell you about it, then call me on my cell and we'll discuss it. New York gave the then unbeaten Patriots a spirited contest last month, and I expect them to do the same this Sunday against Carolina. Except this time they'll hold on to the game-clinching interception during the opposition's final drive.
Giants 24-23
Tennessee @ New England
Only a crazy person would pick the lowly Titans to go into Foxborough and defeat the mighty Patriots, right? Right. And since I'm not crazy, I won't do it. I don't care what those so-called "world renowned psychologists" say. Look, if Gerald isn't real, then who smeared feces all over my apartment? It certainly wasn't me ... I'm sure of it ... Only a crazy a person would do such a thing.
Patriots 35-20
Buffalo @ Washington
I don't like to mention the nickname of the Washington football team too much, because I don't want to draw attention to racism. That being said, I feel like I have to acknowledge it this week because of the match-up we have here. It's a tale as old as time, Native Americans vs. buffaloes. I'll pick the Redskins to win this battle, just like in real life. And, of course, after slaying their opposition they will use every part of the Bills, unlike the greedy white man who desecrate the carcasses of every buffalo they fell. I just made it much worse, didn't I?
Redskins 27-24
Kansas City @ Baltimore
The Chiefs' late season schedule reminds me of a wide receiver that's been left alone downfield and is just running into the end zone looking around in disbelief for defenders. Right now Kansas City is streaking unabated thinking, really? No good teams left? Awesome! I guess this will just be an easy score. And they're right, those smug pricks. They remind me of John Schnatter.
Chiefs 27-10
Sunday Afternoon
Cleveland @ Seattle
Much has been made of Browns coach Mike Pettine's comments about Russell Wilson not being a top tier NFL quarterback. I'm not sure that his comments are too inflammatory. Does it really matter what Mike Pettine says anyway? Is he on the lowest tier of NFL coaches? Probably not, but he's certainly been performing like it lately. Squash match.
Seahawks 38-8
Green Bay @ Oakland
Kahlil Mack? More like Kahlil Sack! Am I right? You're not laughing. That's fine. I can sit here as long as it takes, but so help me God, you will laugh. ... Whoops! ... Got ya! A laugh is a laugh, doesn't matter what the cause was. I'm sure the Packers would tell you the same thing, replacing "laugh" with "win." But they'd keep the fart noise, for obvious reasons.
Packers 28-25
Denver @ Pittsburgh
It's another 3P! Possible ... Playoff ... Preview! And as you know, any game with playoff implications is a prime candidate for an appearance by the playoff imps. What sort of pranks, trickery, and twisted merriment will they have in store for this contest? It's anyone's guess. But if I had to prognosticate, I would imagine that they will tamper with Mike Tomlin's 2 point conversion cheat sheet resulting in the coach going for two in ridiculous scenarios that make little to no sense. Come to think of it, they may have already performed that prank at the beginning of the season.
Steelers 24-17
Miami @ San Diego
This could very well be the last Chargers game in San Diego; a possibility that I have to believe is fresh in the players' minds. I have to believe this because otherwise I wouldn't know who to pick in this game. This way I have an easy angle that allows me to feel good about my prediction. Please reward my laziness Chargers, and good luck in your future endeavors.
Chargers 26-21
Cincinnati @ San Francisco
While explaining his admiration for Brett Favre, the Bengals' new starting quarterback A.J. McCarron said the following during a press conference this week "He always reminded me of that four year old kid that won the starting job by raising his right arm and raising his left arm and being the only one that got it right. And it's what I love about the game is that it's a game." When you hear a quote like that it really makes you take a step back and ask, what the fuck are you talking about?!? What four year old has to win a starting job? And when and where was this arm raising test ever conducted? After hearing McCarron talk I have no choice but to pick San Francisco.
49ers 17-16
Sunday Night
Arizona @ Philadelphia
Well, the news is not great. I've reached out to Cris Collinsworth numerous times in the past week, pleading with him to return, but there has been no response. He's nowhere to be found. As a result I was forced to approach other luminaries of the NFL analyst field with the opportunity to provide their insight to this blog. After all of them turned me down, I received an unsolicited message from the following individual expressing his interest, but more importantly, claiming to have knowledge of CriColl's whereabouts. While it's against my better judgment, I feel like we should hear him out. So without further ado, (SIGH) here's Phil Simms:
I'm so sorry. Just like you, I feel sick to my stomach after hearing that man babble unintelligibly. CriColl, if you're reading this, please come back! Look what we've been subjected to. We can't listen to another clip from Phil Simms. Save us from this monster! Save us CriColl!!!
Cardinals 27-20
Monday Night
Detroit @ New Orleans
On
paper this game might not look like much. But you're not reading this
on paper, so what does it look like on a screen? Sill lame, huh? I
suppose it wouldn't make much sense for me to waste any more time
dissecting this match-up then ... or would it? Nope, it wouldn't. See ya
next week gang!
Saints 35-32
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