NFL Picks - Week 16

Thursday Night

San Diego @ Oakland

There's a chance that this could be the last Raiders home game in Oakland, so it's pretty coincidental that their opponent will the Chargers, a team who may have just played their last home game in San Diego. Adding to the parallels between these teams is the fact that they may, indeed, be sharing a stadium in the future. So, in essence, the Chargers are like a recent divorcee visiting their friend who is having marital troubles as well. After a long talk and a few drinks they decide that their best years are still ahead of them and that they should move to LA, get an apartment together, and just go wild. Good for them, they deserve this after what they've been through.

Raiders 27-20

Saturday Night

Washington @ Philadelphia

Washington can win the NFC East with a victory here and ensure an at least .500 record for that division's champion. Then again, if they lose it opens the door for a 7-9 champ, with the Eagles and Giants back in play. So in other words, the country needs the Eagles to win, strictly for comedy's sake. It's time for America to laugh again.

Eagles 30-27

Sunday Morning

New England @ New York Jets

The Jets won last week yet fell out of playoff position. They did everything that was asked of them yet they still aren't good enough. They're like the lame, original boyfriend in the romantic comedy who seems nice enough, but just doesn't have the spark that the main characters share. This game is the equivalent of the scene in which they tell their girlfriend that they should follow their heart, and that they just want them to be happy, and that they'll find something else to do in the postseason.

Patriots 31-20

Houston @ Tennessee

After their first ever(!) win in Indianapolis last Sunday, the Texans have the AFC South in their grasp. However, they may have the human equivalent of KY jelly starting at quarterback this week. In other words, that grasp of theirs just got slippery due to one Brandon Weeden. Luckily for them the Titans are next on the schedule, which should allow them to hold on for at least this week.

Texans 13-12

Cleveland @ Kansas City

With the tight race for the AFC wild cards the Chiefs need to keep winning. No problem! Said their schedule. As mentioned last week their slate is super easy and they could clinch a playoff berth this Sunday with a win and a Jets loss. And as we already discussed, the Jets aren't going to try to stop KC from going after their postseason dreams. In fact, they'll even drive them to the airport. If they leave right now they can probably still catch the Broncos!

Chiefs 27-10

Indianapolis @ Miami

The Colts are in a lot of trouble, and I'm not just talking about their playoff chances. They threw a party at the stadium after the game last Sunday and made a real mess of things. Now owner Jim Irsay is coming back and they have to get the whole place cleaned up in an hour! Good thing they have a whole staff of people at the stadium to do that for them. Meanwhile the team will be practicing. Hard to know what to expect from this game, but since Indy has more to play for I'll go with them. Plus, if they flunk this road test Irsay is gonna kill them.

Colts 23-20

San Francisco @ Detroit

It's a battle for draft supremacy! Or inferiocy? It doesn't appear that that's a word, but maybe it should be. Why does Webster get the final say? Who made him boss? It's a question I would also ask regarding Jim Tomsula, except we know the answer, and it's the reason the 49ers are sitting at 4-10. A win here would vault San Francisco out of the top 5 in draft order, so it would behoove them to lose, which shouldn't be a problem.

Lions 24-13

Dallas @ Buffalo

And now for the last in our season-long series of would-be Super Bowls. This was NOT Super Bowl I. After the 1966 season the Bills lost the AFL championship game to the Chiefs and the Cowboys fell to the Packers in the NFL championship game. Of course, Buffalo and Dallas did meet in Super Bowls XXVII and XXVIII, and judging by those contests we should probably be grateful that this wasn't the match-up for the inaugural game. The Cowboys will be starting Kellen Moore at quarterback this week. That's the end of this analysis.

Bills 20-13

Chicago @ Tampa Bay

A few weeks ago it seemed like this could be a game with playoff imps, now it looks like a match-up for playoff wimps ... which almost makes it seem as if these teams are in the playoffs, but wimps, which is simply not true. Ok the wimps part is true, but not the playoffs part. Jeez, that pun almost doesn't feel worth it now. Almost.

Buccaneers 27-23

Carolina @ Atlanta

These teams played two weeks ago, and Carolina won 38-0. I'll bet they wish they could have saved some of those points for this game. In fact, 1-0 would've sufficed. You're probably thinking that a 1-0 score isn't possible, but remember, they changed the PAT distance this year ...

Panthers 35-16

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

Why did the Ravens decide to go with gold pants last week? Even if they wanted to go gold, why that shade? It was disgusting. An affront to the hardworking Joe six-packs who just want to sit down and watch some football every Sunday and Monday and Thursday and sometimes Saturday. It's getting kind of exhausting actually, which makes these hideous pants even more offensive. Look, we're all working through injuries at this point in the season, and some of us are just playing out the string, the least you could do is dress like you still give a damn.

Steelers 38-17

Sunday Afternoon

Jacksonville @ New Orleans

The Jaguars managed to do something last Sunday that no NFL team has done since October, lose to the Falcons. It's an ignominious achievement, one that leaves Jacksonville with only the slimmest hopes of making the playoffs. But at 5-9, they're lucky to even be sniffing the postseason. As we all know though, jaguars have the strongest smelling power in all of the animal kingdom, so it makes sense that they'd pick up the playoff scent regardless of their record. And no, that fact about jaguars is not true, but it fits my narrative, so I don't care. Drew Brees is hurt, and the Saints' D is on their way to giving up a record number of passing touchdowns. Jacksonville should get the W.

Jaguars 35-30

Green Bay @ Arizona

Sound the alarms it's another 3P (PossiblePlayoffPreview). There's a good chance that these two teams will meet in this same location three weeks from now in the Divisional round. Then again, if the Packers get the win here they'll have a shot at stealing the #2 seed from the Cardinals and having that aforementioned Divisional round game be in Green Bay. Of course, if both teams decide during this game that football is too hard and that they'd no longer like to do it as a profession then neither team will make the playoffs at all. Everything's in play.

Cardinals 29-21

St. Louis @ Seattle

The Seahawks have officially made the playoffs for the fourth straight season. However, they'll be a wild card this time around after being the NFC's #1 seed each of the last two seasons. But do you think these guys give an eff? Well maybe, it's much easier to win two home games than three road games ... But for the most part, no! They give no effs. That being said, they should really try to get the #5 spot, because it would be a big help.

Seahawks 27-9

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Minnesota

As you know, it's been weeks since we've seen Cris Collinsworth. I had searched high and low, and even pretended to be Tony Romo when leaving him a desperate voicemail, but I heard nothing back. Then this mysterious clip arrived in my inbox. When I traced the IP address from the sender, the location of the computer simply came back as "The cliffs overlooking Cincinnati." I haven't watched it yet, let's take a look now:

CRIIIIIIIICOLLLLLLLL!!! He's back! God bless us, everyone!

Vikings 26-20 

Monday Night

Cincinnati @ Denver

Peyton Manning is still leading the NFL in interceptions. Peyton Manning hasn't played in the last five weeks. That's pretty astonishing, and as good an argument as any that Brock Osweiler should remain the Broncos' starting QB regardless of Manning's health status. Unless, of course, Manning's health status is reported as "superhuman." Then Denver should definitely play him as long as it isn't a violation of NFL rules. In this battle of backup signal callers I'll give the one playing at home with the better defense the edge.

Broncos 17-13

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