NFL Preview

Hello. It's good to see you (all?) again. I trust that everybody's rested and ready for another long season of puns, retread goofs, and picks that you can trust just over 60% of the time. There hasn't been a game that mattered since January 13th, at which point I was acting a lot like this kid, until I'm pretty sure I blacked out, because I don't seem to remember the very end of the it.

The point is that we haven't had football in quite a while, so let's shake off the rust by giving out a few awards for the offseason:

Most blatantly homosexual comment in all of sports:

WINNER: "Just an Adonis. A great physical specimen of a man. Our creator created a beautiful man."

- Jim Harbaugh, describing a discus thrower that the 49ers signed to play football.

RUNNER UP: "I'm gay." - Jason Collins

Best potential nickname based on a TNT show:

WINNER: The Packers drafted running backs Jonathan Franklin and Eddie Lacy back in April. With Lacy being a more bruising, power back, I hereby submit that this duo should be known as Franklin & Bash.

RUNNER UP: I've heard that the Houston Texans offensive line refers to themselves as Leverage.

Worst Thing:

WINNER: The Jaguars new uniforms. It's not just the two-tone helmets, the jerseys and pants are awful as well. It looks like someone was trying out "Create-A-Uniform" on Madden and got way too far down the rabbit hole with all of the new features. However, on Madden you can simply realize the mistakes you've made and just choose not to save; as for the Jags, they have to reap what they've sewn. Well, they didn't actually sew them, I'm sure they have someone else who does that, but you get what I mean, right?


And now here's how every team will finish, so if you fall asleep for the next four months and miss the whole season don't worry, you'll already know what's going to happen.

New England Patriots  11-5
Miami Dolphins  8-8
Buffalo Bills  5-11
New York Jets  3-13

Cincinnati Bengals  11-5
Pittsburgh Steelers  10-6
Cleveland Browns  9-7
Baltimore Ravens  8-8

Houston Texans  10-6
Indianapolis Colts  8-8
Tennessee Titans  6-10
Jacksonville Jaguars  3-13

Denver Broncos  12-4
Kansas City Chiefs  7-9
San Diego Chargers  6-10
Oakland Raiders  2-14


New York Giants  10-6
Washington Redskins  8-8
Dallas Cowboys  7-9
Philadelphia Eagles  6-10

Green Bay Packers 11-5
Chicago Bears 8-8
Detroit Lions 7-9
Minnesota Vikings 5-11

Atlanta Falcons  11-5
New Orleans Saints  10-6
Tampa Bay Buccaneers  7-9
Carolina Panthers  7-9

Seattle Seahawks  16-0
San Francisco 49ers  10-6
St. Louis Rams  8-8
Arizona Cardinals  6-10

If you ask me, the AFC is the much weaker conference this season. Though if you ask Karl Marx he'd say both the conferences are equal. So really, who's to say? As you can see I'm envisioning a fall from grace for the Super Bowl champion Ravens, who i predict to finish behind the SURPRISE! Cleveland Browns. The Colts scored 30 points less than their opponents last season and managed to go 11-5. Well not this time scumbags! They'll fall back to the pack. The "pack" like the Packers? You just said with a stupid look on your face. No, not the Packers, they'll stay at 11-5. The Saints will rebound to make the playoffs now that they aren't starting the season with a double interim coach. As for the Hawks, well you must have never read anything I've written before. If that's the case, consider yourself lucky and get out now, but for those of you who I've already got my hooks into, let's take a look at how the playoffs will shake out:

AFC Wild Card
New England over Cleveland
Pittsburgh over Houston

AFC Divisional
Denver over Pittsburgh
New England over Cincinnati

AFC Championship
Denver over New England

NFC Wild Card
San Francisco over New York
New Orleans over Atlanta

NFC Divisional
Seattle over New Orleans
San Francisco over Green Bay

NFC Championship
Seattle over San Francisco

Super Bowl
Seattle over Denver

We did it! Or rather, we're going to do it. Can't wait gang. Seriously, it's going to be pretty great.