NFL Picks - Week 9

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Cleveland

It pains me to say this, but I'm starting to lose faith in Mike Glennon. The 1-6 Bucs rank last in the league in offense and defense. That's actually pretty impressive. Pathetic and sad, but impressive. This week look for Tampa to continue to courageously defy the odds and play terribly in every facet of the game. Godspeed gents, you're the real heroes.

Browns 24-12

Arizona @ Dallas

This game is resting on Tony Romo's back. Quite literally. Jerry Jones told the media this week that Romo's status will come down to pain tolerance, effectively throwing his quarterback under the bus if he's unable to play. Unfortunately, being under a bus is a terrible spot for a man with a back injury. Even if Romo does go he could be one hit away from leaving the game or being ineffective, leading me to begrudgingly take Arizona.

Cardinals 22-21

Philadelphia @ Houston

Last week J.J. Watt mockingly feigned a selfie after sacking Titans QB Zach Mettenberger tweeted a picture of himself prior to the game. This week he'll take on Nick Foles, who I'm told likes to sell off his game used equipment on eBay. Seeing as how Watt likes to mock online activity, if he brings down the Eagles' QB he'll have no choice but to remove something from his person and auction it off in the stands during the game. Depending on his deadline and whether or not he has a "buy it now" option this process could take J.J. some time and cause him to miss considerable game action. The Eagles have had trouble pulling out games late on the road, so it would behoove them to allow Watt to get a sack right around the start of the fourth quarter, getting him off the field and neutralizing the Texans' pass rush.

Eagles 27-23

New York Jets @ Kansas City

The Chiefs are starting to come on, while the Jets continue to make fans shout, "Come on!" The Geno Smith experiment appears to be over, with the initial hypothesis of "Geno Smith is a starting quarterback in the NFL" failing to have been proved. To be fair, the scientist behind the whole thing was a bit insane.

Chiefs 26-10

Jacksonville @ Cincinnati

The Bengals won last week on the strength of what many are calling a dubious offensive pass interference call. But those folks are overlooking the fact that the penalty was called against Steve Smith (Sr.), and any call against him is believable and justified, just like Michael Madsen's performance in Sin City. You'll notice that I haven't written much about this actual game yet; there's a reason for that. If the Jags would like me to pay attention to them they'll need to put together a couple of respectable performances. Same goes for you Michael Madsen.

Bengals 34-17

San Diego @ Miami

The Chargers have not won in Miami since their playoff classic in January of 1982. A shocking stat until you consider that that's only 7 games, and that very few of the players on either rosters had anything to do with more than one of those contests. So what was the point of even bringing it up? Don't ask me, I just scour the 'net for hot takes and then cobble them together in this space. In case you couldn't tell I've spent a lot of time on Michael Madsen's IMDB page the past few days.

Chargers 24-21

Washington @ Minnesota

Both of these teams are coming off road wins ... I know, it doesn't seem right, but I double checked it and it's accurate. So which squad will capitalize off of their unfamiliar momentum? Washington is foolishly starting Robert Griffin III over folk hero Colt McCoy, more or less squandering whatever chance they might have had. If you have Paul Bunyan on the roster, you don't sit him down. And I know what you're thinking, Bunyan was way more suited to the college game and his throwing style can't work in the pros. Well answer me this, who's tackling the guy? I don't care what his release point is, just let him run the ball 40 times a game. Washington's hubris and RG3's rust will result in a loss.

Vikings 17-13

Sunday Afternoon

St. Louis @ San Francisco

These teams met less than a month ago, and in between their cities' baseball teams played an NLCS against each other. San Francisco got the upper-hand on both occasions, and now they greedily seek another feather in their cap. When will enough be enough? How many feathers can one cap possibly hold? You already have multiple NFC Championship game feathers, though I guess there's only one NFC Champion feather in there, and even that feather doesn't take up nearly as much space as a Super Bowl champion feather. So, I suppose the Niners aren't being as greedy as I thought. Have another feather, there's still plenty of room on that cap.

49ers 27-13

Denver @ New England

Manning/Brady! Eeeeeeeee! I can hardly contain myself. I'm literally bursting at the seams. Seriously, someone call a doctor for me; I can't operate a phone due to burst finger seams. I knew I shouldn't have gotten that elective surgery to have my skin removed and then sewn back on. The surgeons even told me there was a 60% chance of my seams bursting, if I got too excited about something. Well, live and learn, and then spend the rest of your life without any skin. It's hard to pick against the Broncos at this point, but I'm brave enough to do just that. Who's with me? Up top! Give me some skin! Seriously, I'll need multiple grafts, if you could spare some it would be a big help.

Patriots 31-28

Oakland @ Seattle

The Seahawks have been a bit drowsy in the first half the last two weeks, being outscored 27-9. While they've rallied in the second half to outscore their opponents 30-10 in those games just imagine the success they would have had if they'd come out sharp from the opening whistle. Well guess what, daylight savings time ends early Sunday morning. We get our hour back baby! All of that extra rest, plus the fact that this kickoff is at 1:25 anyway and taking place inside the CLink should add up to a solid Hawks performance. As long as Derek Carr doesn't pull a Mike Glennon.

Seahawks 30-10

Sunday Night

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh

With what we've seen so far from these two teams this game promises to be as entertaining as it is wacky; just like Weird Al. If he has any semblance of availability they need to get him to play halftime. And just in case everyone in attendance didn't read these picks they could simply make an announcement over the PA system explaining the entertaining/wacky correlation between W. Al Yankovic and the teams. Missed opportunity if it doesn't happen. I'll assume it does and that W.A.Y. provides a morale boost for the home team.

Steelers 33-30

Monday Night

Indianapolis @ New York Giants

The Colts' defense gave up 0 and 51 points in consecutive weeks. That's the first time in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE that a team has given up 50+ points following a shutout. In case you're wondering, no, I did not research that, but it has to be true, right? And if I'm wrong may God strike me dead at this very ...........................

Oh wow guys, look at this, he was writing some sort of rudimentary picks column for young kids. I mean, I don't watch any football, I'm too busy trying to save lives as an EMT, but even I can tell that there is practically zero insight here. What does Michael Madsen have to do with anything? And why is he so obsessed with Mike Glennon? What's that? You resuscitated him? Oh, nice work .........................

 Haha, nice try God! I'm going with Indy, and a feeling of invincibility.

Colts 31-24 

NFL Picks - Week 9 Thursday

New Orleans @ Carolina

A lot of people will ridicule this battle for first place in the NFC South between two sub .500 teams, but I, for one, think it's fantastic. It's a division full of underdogs, so you can root for them all! The Saints have yet to win on the road and the Panthers have one win in their last six games, so somebody will have to get things straightened out. Or they'll both play poorly and we'll foolishly praise whoever wins. I say the Saints get their first win away from home because Cam Newton is a pretty lousy quarterback who cares more about rehearsed celebrations than anything.

Saints 23-20

NFL Picks - Week 8

Sunday Dawn

Detroit @ Atlanta

Rise and shine, and then reevaluate your life because you woke up at 6:30am to watch the Lions and Falcons. This is technically a home game for Atlanta, which means they at least have a shot at winning. But their chances basically vanish when you take into account that they're still fielding the Falcons' defense, a unit that has been abysmal outside of their game against a Bucs team that had yet to hand the keys over to Mike Glennon. Given the chance Glennon would have shredded these guys too. The Lions have one of the worst rushing offenses in the league, and it could catch up to them down the road, but seeing as how nothing could catch up to them on a road when they're overseas they'll probably be fine this week.

Lions 27-17

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Carolina

I remember when this season was fun. That's over; now it's a fight. A fight for every inch. If only the Hawks would have heeded the words of former Miami Sharks coach Tony D'Amato sooner they might not be in this situation. There's still plenty of time to get things on track, so why not start now? The main area in need of improvement is pass rush, where the D line has pressured opposing QBs on a fewer percentage of drop backs than any team in the league. That's a troubling stat. Find a way to fix that and the dominoes should fall into place. Wait, is it bad when dominoes fall? Look, the point is: find a way to create pressure.

Seahawks 27-20

St. Louis @ Kansas City

Oh, what tricks will those impish pranksters from St. Louis have up their sleeves this week? Perhaps a disappearing ball, or the classic headless quarterback play. Whatever the case, I'm sure we're all in for a fanciful show full of merriment and whimsy.

Chiefs 30-16

Houston @ Tennessee

The Texans have lost three of their last four, and are in serious need of a win. Good news gang, you're heading to Nashville! The Titans aren't the worst team in the league in terms of actual record, but they're probably the least watchable squad. That could actually cause this to be a close game. Houston will get so bored watching their opponent that they'll actually zone out for a few plays here and there, resulting in some points for the Titans. In the end though, some smelling salts and amphetamine-laced Gatorade should keep the Texans attentive enough to get the win.

Texans 23-13

Minnesota @ Tampa Bay

Every so often a game comes along that makes the nation stop in their tracks, sit down in front of the TV and watch in awe. Then there are games that make the nation go have picnics. Vikings/Bucs ... see you at the park.

Buccaneers 19-17

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

The Ravens have a solid game and a half lead over the Bengals in the AFC North, but Cincinnati already bested them in Baltimore in Week 1, so this contest looms large. The Bengals' defense, once imposing is now decomposing. In the first three weeks they gave up an average of 11 points per game. In the three weeks after their bye they have allowed more than 35 points per game. The most logical explanation is that all of the defensive players made the most of their bye week and contracted debilitating STDs. I'm guessing they'll be in remission come Sunday, and the home crowd will will (not a typo) them to victory.

Bengals 30-27

Miami @ Jacksonville

After three straight solid performances these Dolphins seem legit. But are they so legit that when presented with a tough situation they will choose not to quit? That remains to be seen. Meanwhile, the Jags have also put together three consecutive decent performances. I'm not so sure I'd call them solid though, maybe gelatinous. And as we all know, jell-o can be delicious, especially when it's thrown in for free as part of a Skippers value meal, but it's no substitute for solids. Unless, of course, you've just had a tonsillectomy. And if that's the case you can just stop reading now. If you don't have tonsils get the hell out.

Dolphins 24-20

Chicago @ New England

One team's trending up, the other is trending down. And in this internet world where clicks are king that's the only thing that matters. Speaking of, I think I'm going to start posting more throughout the week. Nothing to do with football though, mainly just videos involving animals in which you won't believe what happens next.

Patriots 30-21

Buffalo @ New York Jets

The Jets have acquired Percy Harvin, which should give their offense more punch. However, it remains to be seen if he'll quickly be able to assimilate to a new squad. Tough to say. Could take him a couple weeks, could take him 18 months. The key is patience and giving him whatever he wants.

Jets 20-17

Sunday Afternoon

Philadelphia @ Arizona

I know what you think. You think I'm going to say "this match-up is for the birds!" Well forget it. I'm giving this game the reverence that it deserves. This is a clash between two 5-1 teams that could prove pivotal in the NFC's pecking order. Ok yes, I realize that even using the word "pecking" is going in a direction that I said I wouldn't. But give me a break, alright? Don't ruffle my feathers. Uggh. That's it I'm done.

Cardinals 23-20

Oakland @ Cleveland

The Browns suffered an embarrassing loss to the Jags last week. No better way to get back on track than to have the Raiders come to town. In fact, they should just start doing that as a service. Instead of actually trying to field a competitive football team, which obviously isn't working, they can just be hired out on a weekly basis to come to your stadium and help your team work through their problems. Something like a football therapist or prostitute. Wait, are we sure this isn't what's already happening?

Browns 26-13

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers have been up and down all season, losing one week and winning the next, literally, on their way to a 4-3 record. Expect a game with huge swings in momentum when they play the Colts, another team known to vacillate wildly. In their last five games though, Indy has managed to come out on top and I see them making it six in a row. Otherwise it will disrupt Pittsburgh's perfectly predictable pattern, which, in turn, would disrupt my picks, and probably the delicate ecosystem that we currently take for granted. Ball's in your court Indy, don't blow this.

Colts 31-26

Sunday Night

Green Bay @ New Orleans

What has happened to the Saints? Oh, they've lost 4 games? Thanks for the update, I haven't watched much of them this year. See, you're not so useless after all. After doing some quick research I noticed that those 4 losses all came on the road and that this particular game is being played in New Orleans. Is it possible that the Saints rise to the occasion at home to knock off a hot Green Bay team? Sure, why not. Will I regret that pick? Sure, why not. Would I like a burrito for lunch? Sure, why not. Are velcro shoes better than lace-ups? Sure, why knot. Aaaand scene.

Saints 27-24

Monday Night

Washington @ Dallas

Colt McCoy is getting the start for Washington. He's returning home to Texas to show everybody what he's made of himself in the big, bad, real world. Hopefully those folks are easily impressed. By the way, I'm not sure why I wrote anything beyond the first sentence; that was the pick in a nutshell.

Cowboys 28-14

NFL Picks - Week 8 Thursday

San Diego @ Denver

It's a midweek match-up for masters of the AFC West. And I do mean masters. The winners will be able to send down decrees that the rest of the division must follow. What sort of tyranny will the victors impose? Impossible to know, but I imagine it will be much worse if Manning wins; the guy's a megalomaniac.

Broncos 31-23

NFL Picks - Week 7

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ St. Louis

There comes a time when you need to look at yourself in the mirror. For me it's about 15 times a day, just to make sure the trains are still running on time. For the Seahawks it's this week. Time to address the mistakes and mediocre play that has plagued them for the past month or so and move past them, into the 21st century. If they're soliciting any advice, I'll just throw out the possibility of staying committed to the run even if you're down by a score, generating a pass rush even if it involves scheming, and/or Percy Harvin running some routes down the field, . Then again, what do I know? I'm barely even keeping my head above water with these picks. Better make it a 16th mirror visit today.

Seahawks 24-13

Atlanta @ Baltimore

Did you see the FlacMan last week? Homeboy was slangin'. Slangin' to the tune of 300 yards and 5 TDs, notching a victory over Mike Glennon in the process. Now FlacMan takes on the Falcons and Matt Ryan, a man whose career has been intertwined with Flac's ever since they were both drafted in the first round  and took their teams to the playoffs in 2008. They're like Damon and DiCaprio in The Departed. Which now begs the question, which one's which? I'm going to say FlacMan equals Damon, which means Ryan shouldn't stand near any elevator doors on game day.

Ravens 33-24

Tennessee @ Washington

Someday you'll be able to tell your grandchildren where you were when you saw Whitehurst vs. Cousins. And this is the reason they'll have no respect for you.

Redskins 23-16 

Cleveland @ Jacksonville

The Jags missed a long field goal last week that would have given them their first win of the year. It would have been by the score of 17-16 ... exactly the score I predicted! Thanks a pantload Jacksonville. And yes, I'm saying that to the entire city. It's everybody's fault. It takes a village to build a football team, and a shitty village makes for a shitty team.

Browns 24-20

Cincinnati @ Indianapolis

Here's a a marquee match-up between two teams jockeying for position in the AFC playoff picture. The Bengals should have no problem jockeying, since it involves whips, and as we know, they're into ties as well. Real sex freaks. That sort of perversion has no place in today's NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. And it's for that very reason that I'm taking Indy.

Colts 31-27

Minnesota @ Buffalo

Teddy Bridgewater suffered a letdown against the Lions last week, leading the Vikings to a paltry 3 points. Now he's set to make his first road start. Get ready for another let down Teddy, because you're going to Buffalo. I'm not necessarily saying you'll lose, but you have to travel to Buffalo, so either way ...

Bills 20-13

Miami @ Chicago

It's the Wannstedt Bowl! Expect to see a lot of fake mustaches in the crowd honoring the man that once coached both of these teams. And don't expect a dry eye in the house when ol' Dave himself strolls out to midfield to perform his autobiographical one man show at halftime (abridged due to time constraints, of course). If the players aren't fired up for this one then they don't have a heart. Expect it to be close with both squads vying for Wannie's favor.

Bears 27-24 

New Orleans @ Detroit

Poor New Orleans had to go on a bye week just after they'd generated white hot momentum with a desperate overtime victory over Tampa at home. That's just unfair. The NFL's equivalent of a cock block. Now they head to Detroit to face a Lions team that has been surprisingly defensive this season, leading the league in fewest yards and points per game. Detroit will be without Calvin Johnson once again, but if their offense can put up 20+ points against a terrible Saints D, that should get the job done.

Lions 26-21 

Carolina @ Green Bay

The Panthers are coming off a tie, and in their history they are 0-0 after such games. 0-0, another tie. Everything evens out. Yin and yang. Duality of man. Time is a flat circle, especially when you're tied. It doesn't take too much detective work to uncover that a loss here would leave Carolina at a triangularly symmetrical 3-3-1. Makes too much sense.

Packers 31-21

Sunday Afternoon

Kansas City @ San Diego

At first glance this seems like an obvious pick; the powerhouse Chargers over the mediocre Chiefs. But let's dig a little deeper. San Diego is playing at Denver this coming Thursday and could get caught looking ahead. Kansas City has been solid ever since Week 1, and desperately needs a win to keep their head above water. These factors add up to result in my upset special of the week. NOTE: the bylaws of the upset special of the week dictate that even if I get the pick wrong I am commended for my bravery.

Chiefs 24-23

Arizona @ Oakland

The Raiders put together a surprisingly competent game last week and now seem poised to notch their first victory of the season. Until you consider the fact that they have the worst running game in the league and they're going up against one of the best run defenses. I think I'll pass on the Raiders (though their pass D is surprisingly decent).

Cardinals 26-16

New York Giants @ Dallas

When one team plays a better game you just have to tip your cap and give them the credit they deserve. And it's with that in mind that I would tip my cap to the Eagles if I were a Giants fan. Man, they got killed, real pathetic stuff. Things won't get any easier for New York this week as they go against a team that's good now I guess, which seems dumb and wrong, but whatever, they'll blow it soon. Maybe not this week, but soon.

Cowboys 30-17

Sunday Night

San Francisco @ Denver

All this talk about Peyton Manning going for an NFL record 509 TD passes on Sunday night seems a bit unwarranted to me. Look, I know he's an all-time great quarterback, and that the Niners' defense is missing a few key pieces, but throwing for 509 touchdown passes in a single game is an impossibly tall order; I don't care what the circumstances are. If I had to guess he'll probably throw three, which is nothing to sneeze at, but still well off the pace that the so-called "experts" are predicting.
 

Broncos 27-20

Monday Night

Houston @ Pittsburgh

In this match-up of .500 teams only one can ascend to the glorious land of winning squadrons, filled with milk and honey and fantastical dreams come true. While the other will be cast down to the dark netherworld of failures, dashed hopes, and discontinued childhood favorites. They're here to battle for their lives and it's all for your entertainment. You disgust me.

Steelers 28-23

NFL Picks - Week 7 Thursday

New York Jets @ New England

This marks the third straight season these teams have played on a Thursday. Coincidence? I think not. This match-up simply can't be lumped in with all the other games on Sunday. It needs the spotlight baby! So many electric story lines. Can the Jets avoid losing 6 in a row? Will the Pats continue their march toward a 38th consecutive AFC East title? Will you watch on CBS or NFL Network? There is no end to the intrigue. I don't even want them to start this game because that means it has to end, and I'll have to wait another 9 weeks for the rematch. I miss it already.

Patriots 34-16

NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

Jacksonville @ Tennessee

Shouldn't this game be in London? We're looking at a match-up of the league's two worst teams ... Whoops! Forgot about the Raiders for a minute. If only I could've made that permanent. It's still unknown if Charlie Whitehurst will start this game, and that's just not fair to someone trying to pick the outcome. I'll bank on the assumption that Locker isn't ready and go with the Jags. And I'll live to regret it!

Jaguars 17-16

Baltimore @ Tampa Bay

Glennon almost did it, the son of a bitch. He almost led the Bucs to an upset win in New Orleans. Now Tampa returns home after three weeks on the road. Bad news: the FlacMan is waiting at their doorstep. I'm really torn here, I wish I could pick a tie. But that's not what you folks come here for. You need definitive picks; you crave structure in this constantly shifting landscape. I have to do my part.

Ravens 27-24 OT

Denver @ New York Jets

Rex Ryan recently said that he thinks he will be fired if he doesn't fix the Jets. Bold statement. Conventional wisdom is that a coach can continue to lose forever and hold on to their job in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Rex has conquered Peyton Manning before, but to be fair he had Mark Sanchez as his quarterback then, and when you have Mark Sanchez as your quarterback anything is possible. With Geno Smith as your quarterback, the ball isn't passable.

Broncos 38-13

Detroit @ Minnesota

Teddy Bridgewater's back. Calvin Johnson's out. Seems like a recipe for a Minnesota victory. Coincindentally the other day I stumbled upon a great Minnesota Victory recipe. In case you didn't know that's a casserole that involves heavy amounts of mayonnaise and cheese. 

Vikings 21-20

New England @ Buffalo

Did you see that Pats/Bengals game last Sunday night? Tom Brady is back! Back to his annoying, overly enthusiastic self. Though it still looked a bit manufactured. Like, I better seem really into this game so that people lay off. I expect Tom Terrific will be a bit more subdued this week, if for nothing else because he's facing that swarming Jim Schwartz defense. Congrats to Schwartz by the way who helped defeat his former team, the Lions, in an early October match-up. Truly a victory worthy of asking your new players to carry you off the field on their shoulders. Congrats Turbo Redface, just when I think you can't be a bigger turbo you shock the world. Your dedication to being a turbo humbles us all.

Patriots 27-19 

Carolina @ Cincinnati

Cam Newton had his wisdom teeth pulled on Wednesday, which I have to believe will have an effect on his play this Sunday. The team docs will probably give him some pain relief pills before the game, but after a few hits and some general game action I imagine that he'll start feeling soreness in his jaw. It will probably become unbearable with just under 3 minutes remaining in the first, right around tooth hurty.

Bengals 21-14

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

Two takeaways from the Browns historic comeback win over the Titans last week: Brian Hoyer does not quit; Charlie Whitehurst does. Chaz even put his hair up in a bun during the game, which shows what he was really worried about. Brian Hoyer doesn't have any hair, so he's never distracted. Except if he spots a major babe in the stands, Hoyer loves babes. That's what motivates him: play well, score babes. He has a real chance to shine for the ladies this week in a rivalry game against a Steelers team that has has gone 33-5 against Cleveland over the past 19 seasons. Obviously none of the current players have anything to do with most of those games, but still pretty astonishing domination. Regardless, I say Hoyer brings it for the broads and gets the win.

Browns 30-27

Green Bay @ Miami

The Packers seem to be back in the swing of things after consecutive blowout wins against division foes. Seem being the operative word. Don't trust these guys, not for a minute. They will stab you in the back and start sucking at the drop of a hat. I'm not sure why they'd do that, it really wouldn't be beneficial for anybody involved. But that just proves my long standing thesis: the Packers are idiots.

Packers 31-20

Sunday Afternoon

San Diego @ Oakland

The Chargers are rolling and Philip Rivers looks like a serious MVP candidate. The exact opposite can be said for Oakland's situation. So I guess that would mean the Raiders are standing still and Derek Carr looks like a facetious MVP candidate. There's no reason the Raiders should win this game, but haven't we learned that chaos rules in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE? Isn't there a chance that Oakland rises up and plays their hearts out for 60 minutes? No. Like I said before, "no reason" that they'll win.

Chargers 35-17

Chicago @ Atlanta

Is it too early to say that the loser of this game will have serious trouble making the playoffs? Not if you have a copy of Grays Sports Almanac. No not, that one, the 2001-2050 edition. And in case you're wondering, yes they still manage to fit the results of every single game in every sport into the space of a slim 75 page booklet. You're also probably wondering why, if I truly do have a copy of that almanac, I don't just predict every game exactly correct. Well, I guess I was trying to throw you off the scent. But come to think of it, I could stand to hit a few more directly on the nose. Ok, here's an exacta:

Falcons 34-31

Washington @ Arizona

Does anybody know who the Cardinals' starting quarterback will be this week? Carson Palmer? Drew Stanton? Logan Thomas? A possible mystery fourth option? I'm intrigued by the that last possibility that I just made up. You don't see enough mystery QBs in today's game. Take me back to the days when a graphic would pop up advertising the afternoon games and there would just be two silhouettes with questions marks on the inside. It certainly made for greater intrigue. No matter who ends up behind center this Sunday for Arizona it should be good enough to get by Washington at home.

Cardinals 20-13

Dallas @ Seattle

The Seahawks' opening drive touchdown on Monday night was their first in 15 games. That would be a troubling stat if they weren't 12-3 in those games. Actually, now that I think about it, 3? What the hell? Tighten it up guys. DeMarco Murray comes into this game with 130 carries on the season, a total that is at least 36 greater than any other back in the league, and puts him on pace for 416, which would tie Larry Johnson's record for most in a season. That sort of grind-it-out strategy has worked well for the Cowboys so far, leading to four wins and fewer mistakes from Tony Romo. But what would happen if the run game wasn't clicking? Would Romo be compelled to pass more, resulting in him forcing throws that will inevitably be picked off? Yep.

Seahawks 24-14

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

LeSean McCoy is averaging 2.9 yards per carry. He's constantly running like he's Steven Jackson near the goal line. The Eagles' inability to run the ball or sustain long drives could ultimately lead to their demise. We saw a glimpse of this last week when they nearly relinquished a 27 point second half lead to the Rams. No, not a typo, the Rams. They'll need to get that straightened out ASAP, not PSIP (pretty soon if possible). I think they do enough to get the win at home.

Eagles 31-24

Monday Night

San Francisco @ St. Louis

The Rams have been putting up surprising point totals behind Austin Davis, so maybe I should stop being so hard on them. Or maybe, that's exactly what's fueling this offense. Nobody thinks they can get it done. And well, technically they've only actually gotten it done once. But who's to say this Monday won't be number 2? Me. I say it won't be. Hey, prove me wrong. Please.

49ers 23-20

 

NFL Picks - Week 6 Thursday

Indianapolis @ Houston

Every Thursday night game this season has been a real stinker, with an average margin of victory of 29 points for the winning teams. All but one of those winning teams have been playing at home. This bodes well for the Texans. Meanwhile, this bods well for the Texans. Seriously folks, what a physique. Why are you looking at me like that? What, one man can't appreciate another man's strength? Ya know if this were ancient Greece the players would all be naked, then what would you say? Ok, this one came off the rails a bit. This should be the closest mid-week contest yet, and if it's not don't blame me; I said should be, it's up to the players now.

Texans 23-20

NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

Chicago @ Carolina

After holding their first two opponents to a total of 21 points the Panthers have surrendered 75 over the last two weeks. Why the discrepancy? What am I missing here? No seriously, what am I missing? I haven't really paid attention to this team. Is Kuechly hurt or something? That's gotta be it. So, with Kuechly on the sidelines and the Bears being 2-0 on the road I think I have to go with the visitors here.

Bears 24-20

Cleveland @ Tennessee

The Browns have had a full week off to concoct new, cheap ways to get Johnny Manziel the football. Maybe this time they'll sneak him onto the field in a ref's uniform and when it looks like he's going to spot the ball he'll just take off with it down field. Of course, it will be deemed illegal, and pretty bush league, by the real refs, but that won't stop Johnny Football from flashing money signs and growing zits. In the end though, Cleveland should string together enough legal plays to get the job done.

Browns 23-17

St. Louis @ Philadelphia

The Eagles didn't manage to score any points on offense last week. But, for that matter, neither did the Rams. Some would argue that that was a result of St. Louis not playing a game, but c'mon, do any of us really believe that the Rams would have scored points anyway?

Eagles 30-16

Atlanta @ New York Giants

Here's what I've learned from the Falcons' first four games: they are not nearly as good on the road. Unfortunately for them that's exactly where this game has been scheduled. As for picking Giants' games, this is about how I feel at this point. One thing is for sure, Eli Manning will not just have an average game. As Huey Lewis would say, he's hot and cold, he's got it all, hot loving every night. Ok, I probably should have cut off those lyrics a bit earlier, but you get the idea.

Giants 30-24

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans

Ladies and gentleman, he has returned. Miiiike Glenn-on. Just when you think this guy's buried he wriggles his impossibly slim neck up from the dirt like an earthworm on a dew-soaked morn. He epitomizes the eternal struggle of all living things to make it through another day. All that being said, the Saints should bounce back at home.

Saints 38-23

Houston @ Dallas

Another battle for the illustrious Governor's Cup, which is a real thing. This iteration is surprisingly relevant, with both teams coming into the match-up at 3-1. The Cowboys seem to have stumbled onto a groundbreaking new philosophy of staying committed to the run. It really has those fat cat pundits scratching their heads. I'm assuming that they'll throw caution to the wind and brazenly forge ahead with their run based attack for another week.

Cowboys 27-20  

Buffalo @ Detroit

E.J. Manuel has officially been benched in favor of Kyle Orton. That sounds like one of those classic spoof headlines from The Onion, but I assure you it's true. Another seemingly bogus piece of news coming out of last week: Calvin Johnson had 12 yards receiving. The Bills are 25th against the pass, so look for Johnson to bounce back. Seriously, just watch him the whole game, do not follow the ball. In fact, I'd recommend touching your finger to the screen wherever he is and following his route. If the folks you're watching with complain just punch a hole in the TV and shout, "Now look what you made me do!" The confusion felt by all should squash the tension.

Lions 28-18

Baltimore @ Indianapolis

I tried to warn the Panthers last week that the FlacMan was not to be trifled with, but sometimes warnings just don't make a difference, like when that street sign told me to "stop." Nice try bro. Now it's Indy's turn. When it comes to the FlacMan: tread lightly. However, I get the sense that this will be a classic shootout, with Luck being more fortuitous.

Colts 34-31

Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville

It's always nice to have at least one team you can count on. Thank you Jags for being so pathetic. They have yet to score more than 17 points in a game, and have surrendered at least 33 in each contest. Blake Bortles takes over now, and just may lead Jacksonville past that seemingly impenetrable 17 point glass ceiling ... in a loss.

Steelers 35-20

Sunday Afternoon

Arizona @ Denver

Carson Palmer is most likely missing another start. Though I'm not sure that he's even an improvement over Drew Stanton. Though I'm not sure Drew Stanton is an improvement over a broom. Where's Mike Glennon when you need him? In all seriousness though, the Cards' QBs have done enough to win all their games so far, which is more than I can say for Peyton Manning. That loser didn't even bother to play in overtime against the Hawks. He'll probably be out to prove that he isn't a hack against a stout Zona D, and I'm guessing he'll do just enough to win. But if it's tied at the end of regulation don't count on him.

Broncos 23-17

Kansas City @ San Francisco

The national media is really playing up Alex Smith's supposed return to San Francisco. But after doing a little research I found out that Alex Smith has never even played a game in Levi's Stadium. If you ask me, this whole thing is just a fabrication designed to illicit clicks. Well I won't stoop to that level. I do not pander. And pander sounds like panda, so here's a picture of a panda that thinks it's a person.

49ers 24-19

New York Jets @ San Diego

Last week I picked the Jets to beat the Lions, apparently forgetting that Geno Smith is New York's starting quarterback. A mistake I shant be making again! As for this game, I foresee that the Chargers will get plenty of pressure on the Jets' QB, whose name is ... um ... well you know, he's that guy ... Hmm, this is embarrassing. Who's the Jets' quarterback? Well he has to be decent enough right? He should be able to get this win ... PSYCHE! We must learn from our past or else we are doomed to repeat it. Historical reverence yo.

Chargers 27-13

Sunday Night

Cincinnati @ New England

I'm at one of those crossroads in which I have to figure out at what point I stop treating the Patriots as if they're still a top notch squad. I say not just yet. Historical reverence yo.

Patriots 20-17

Monday Night

Seattle @ Washington

Kirk Cousins is coming off of a stunningly abysmal performance with the Seahawks coming to town. In the words of that thug from Dumb and Dumber: Talk about being in wrrrong place at the wrrrong time. I'm imagining that the LOB and the rest of the D looked like this while watching Cousins film.

Seahawks 27-9

NFL Picks - Week 5 Thursday

Minnesota @ Green Bay

Last week I openly wondered whether or not the Packers were any good. Safe to say that more than a few of them read that and used it as bulletin board material prior to their 38-17 waxing of the Bears in Chicago last Sunday. You're welcome gang. Meanwhile, Teddy Bridgewater showed in his first start that he may, in fact, be better than Matt Cassel, a revelation that's left the nation reeling. If that turns out to be true then what other firmly held beliefs may also be false? I shudder to think. Literally. I'm shuddering my ass of right now. FHDSHHDDFFJF. Sorry, had some trouble typing there, on account of the shuddering. I've composed myself and am prepared to make my pick.

Packers 31-21