NFL Picks - Week 8

Sunday Dawn

Detroit @ Atlanta

Rise and shine, and then reevaluate your life because you woke up at 6:30am to watch the Lions and Falcons. This is technically a home game for Atlanta, which means they at least have a shot at winning. But their chances basically vanish when you take into account that they're still fielding the Falcons' defense, a unit that has been abysmal outside of their game against a Bucs team that had yet to hand the keys over to Mike Glennon. Given the chance Glennon would have shredded these guys too. The Lions have one of the worst rushing offenses in the league, and it could catch up to them down the road, but seeing as how nothing could catch up to them on a road when they're overseas they'll probably be fine this week.

Lions 27-17

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Carolina

I remember when this season was fun. That's over; now it's a fight. A fight for every inch. If only the Hawks would have heeded the words of former Miami Sharks coach Tony D'Amato sooner they might not be in this situation. There's still plenty of time to get things on track, so why not start now? The main area in need of improvement is pass rush, where the D line has pressured opposing QBs on a fewer percentage of drop backs than any team in the league. That's a troubling stat. Find a way to fix that and the dominoes should fall into place. Wait, is it bad when dominoes fall? Look, the point is: find a way to create pressure.

Seahawks 27-20

St. Louis @ Kansas City

Oh, what tricks will those impish pranksters from St. Louis have up their sleeves this week? Perhaps a disappearing ball, or the classic headless quarterback play. Whatever the case, I'm sure we're all in for a fanciful show full of merriment and whimsy.

Chiefs 30-16

Houston @ Tennessee

The Texans have lost three of their last four, and are in serious need of a win. Good news gang, you're heading to Nashville! The Titans aren't the worst team in the league in terms of actual record, but they're probably the least watchable squad. That could actually cause this to be a close game. Houston will get so bored watching their opponent that they'll actually zone out for a few plays here and there, resulting in some points for the Titans. In the end though, some smelling salts and amphetamine-laced Gatorade should keep the Texans attentive enough to get the win.

Texans 23-13

Minnesota @ Tampa Bay

Every so often a game comes along that makes the nation stop in their tracks, sit down in front of the TV and watch in awe. Then there are games that make the nation go have picnics. Vikings/Bucs ... see you at the park.

Buccaneers 19-17

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

The Ravens have a solid game and a half lead over the Bengals in the AFC North, but Cincinnati already bested them in Baltimore in Week 1, so this contest looms large. The Bengals' defense, once imposing is now decomposing. In the first three weeks they gave up an average of 11 points per game. In the three weeks after their bye they have allowed more than 35 points per game. The most logical explanation is that all of the defensive players made the most of their bye week and contracted debilitating STDs. I'm guessing they'll be in remission come Sunday, and the home crowd will will (not a typo) them to victory.

Bengals 30-27

Miami @ Jacksonville

After three straight solid performances these Dolphins seem legit. But are they so legit that when presented with a tough situation they will choose not to quit? That remains to be seen. Meanwhile, the Jags have also put together three consecutive decent performances. I'm not so sure I'd call them solid though, maybe gelatinous. And as we all know, jell-o can be delicious, especially when it's thrown in for free as part of a Skippers value meal, but it's no substitute for solids. Unless, of course, you've just had a tonsillectomy. And if that's the case you can just stop reading now. If you don't have tonsils get the hell out.

Dolphins 24-20

Chicago @ New England

One team's trending up, the other is trending down. And in this internet world where clicks are king that's the only thing that matters. Speaking of, I think I'm going to start posting more throughout the week. Nothing to do with football though, mainly just videos involving animals in which you won't believe what happens next.

Patriots 30-21

Buffalo @ New York Jets

The Jets have acquired Percy Harvin, which should give their offense more punch. However, it remains to be seen if he'll quickly be able to assimilate to a new squad. Tough to say. Could take him a couple weeks, could take him 18 months. The key is patience and giving him whatever he wants.

Jets 20-17

Sunday Afternoon

Philadelphia @ Arizona

I know what you think. You think I'm going to say "this match-up is for the birds!" Well forget it. I'm giving this game the reverence that it deserves. This is a clash between two 5-1 teams that could prove pivotal in the NFC's pecking order. Ok yes, I realize that even using the word "pecking" is going in a direction that I said I wouldn't. But give me a break, alright? Don't ruffle my feathers. Uggh. That's it I'm done.

Cardinals 23-20

Oakland @ Cleveland

The Browns suffered an embarrassing loss to the Jags last week. No better way to get back on track than to have the Raiders come to town. In fact, they should just start doing that as a service. Instead of actually trying to field a competitive football team, which obviously isn't working, they can just be hired out on a weekly basis to come to your stadium and help your team work through their problems. Something like a football therapist or prostitute. Wait, are we sure this isn't what's already happening?

Browns 26-13

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers have been up and down all season, losing one week and winning the next, literally, on their way to a 4-3 record. Expect a game with huge swings in momentum when they play the Colts, another team known to vacillate wildly. In their last five games though, Indy has managed to come out on top and I see them making it six in a row. Otherwise it will disrupt Pittsburgh's perfectly predictable pattern, which, in turn, would disrupt my picks, and probably the delicate ecosystem that we currently take for granted. Ball's in your court Indy, don't blow this.

Colts 31-26

Sunday Night

Green Bay @ New Orleans

What has happened to the Saints? Oh, they've lost 4 games? Thanks for the update, I haven't watched much of them this year. See, you're not so useless after all. After doing some quick research I noticed that those 4 losses all came on the road and that this particular game is being played in New Orleans. Is it possible that the Saints rise to the occasion at home to knock off a hot Green Bay team? Sure, why not. Will I regret that pick? Sure, why not. Would I like a burrito for lunch? Sure, why not. Are velcro shoes better than lace-ups? Sure, why knot. Aaaand scene.

Saints 27-24

Monday Night

Washington @ Dallas

Colt McCoy is getting the start for Washington. He's returning home to Texas to show everybody what he's made of himself in the big, bad, real world. Hopefully those folks are easily impressed. By the way, I'm not sure why I wrote anything beyond the first sentence; that was the pick in a nutshell.

Cowboys 28-14