NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

Chicago @ Carolina

After holding their first two opponents to a total of 21 points the Panthers have surrendered 75 over the last two weeks. Why the discrepancy? What am I missing here? No seriously, what am I missing? I haven't really paid attention to this team. Is Kuechly hurt or something? That's gotta be it. So, with Kuechly on the sidelines and the Bears being 2-0 on the road I think I have to go with the visitors here.

Bears 24-20

Cleveland @ Tennessee

The Browns have had a full week off to concoct new, cheap ways to get Johnny Manziel the football. Maybe this time they'll sneak him onto the field in a ref's uniform and when it looks like he's going to spot the ball he'll just take off with it down field. Of course, it will be deemed illegal, and pretty bush league, by the real refs, but that won't stop Johnny Football from flashing money signs and growing zits. In the end though, Cleveland should string together enough legal plays to get the job done.

Browns 23-17

St. Louis @ Philadelphia

The Eagles didn't manage to score any points on offense last week. But, for that matter, neither did the Rams. Some would argue that that was a result of St. Louis not playing a game, but c'mon, do any of us really believe that the Rams would have scored points anyway?

Eagles 30-16

Atlanta @ New York Giants

Here's what I've learned from the Falcons' first four games: they are not nearly as good on the road. Unfortunately for them that's exactly where this game has been scheduled. As for picking Giants' games, this is about how I feel at this point. One thing is for sure, Eli Manning will not just have an average game. As Huey Lewis would say, he's hot and cold, he's got it all, hot loving every night. Ok, I probably should have cut off those lyrics a bit earlier, but you get the idea.

Giants 30-24

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans

Ladies and gentleman, he has returned. Miiiike Glenn-on. Just when you think this guy's buried he wriggles his impossibly slim neck up from the dirt like an earthworm on a dew-soaked morn. He epitomizes the eternal struggle of all living things to make it through another day. All that being said, the Saints should bounce back at home.

Saints 38-23

Houston @ Dallas

Another battle for the illustrious Governor's Cup, which is a real thing. This iteration is surprisingly relevant, with both teams coming into the match-up at 3-1. The Cowboys seem to have stumbled onto a groundbreaking new philosophy of staying committed to the run. It really has those fat cat pundits scratching their heads. I'm assuming that they'll throw caution to the wind and brazenly forge ahead with their run based attack for another week.

Cowboys 27-20  

Buffalo @ Detroit

E.J. Manuel has officially been benched in favor of Kyle Orton. That sounds like one of those classic spoof headlines from The Onion, but I assure you it's true. Another seemingly bogus piece of news coming out of last week: Calvin Johnson had 12 yards receiving. The Bills are 25th against the pass, so look for Johnson to bounce back. Seriously, just watch him the whole game, do not follow the ball. In fact, I'd recommend touching your finger to the screen wherever he is and following his route. If the folks you're watching with complain just punch a hole in the TV and shout, "Now look what you made me do!" The confusion felt by all should squash the tension.

Lions 28-18

Baltimore @ Indianapolis

I tried to warn the Panthers last week that the FlacMan was not to be trifled with, but sometimes warnings just don't make a difference, like when that street sign told me to "stop." Nice try bro. Now it's Indy's turn. When it comes to the FlacMan: tread lightly. However, I get the sense that this will be a classic shootout, with Luck being more fortuitous.

Colts 34-31

Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville

It's always nice to have at least one team you can count on. Thank you Jags for being so pathetic. They have yet to score more than 17 points in a game, and have surrendered at least 33 in each contest. Blake Bortles takes over now, and just may lead Jacksonville past that seemingly impenetrable 17 point glass ceiling ... in a loss.

Steelers 35-20

Sunday Afternoon

Arizona @ Denver

Carson Palmer is most likely missing another start. Though I'm not sure that he's even an improvement over Drew Stanton. Though I'm not sure Drew Stanton is an improvement over a broom. Where's Mike Glennon when you need him? In all seriousness though, the Cards' QBs have done enough to win all their games so far, which is more than I can say for Peyton Manning. That loser didn't even bother to play in overtime against the Hawks. He'll probably be out to prove that he isn't a hack against a stout Zona D, and I'm guessing he'll do just enough to win. But if it's tied at the end of regulation don't count on him.

Broncos 23-17

Kansas City @ San Francisco

The national media is really playing up Alex Smith's supposed return to San Francisco. But after doing a little research I found out that Alex Smith has never even played a game in Levi's Stadium. If you ask me, this whole thing is just a fabrication designed to illicit clicks. Well I won't stoop to that level. I do not pander. And pander sounds like panda, so here's a picture of a panda that thinks it's a person.

49ers 24-19

New York Jets @ San Diego

Last week I picked the Jets to beat the Lions, apparently forgetting that Geno Smith is New York's starting quarterback. A mistake I shant be making again! As for this game, I foresee that the Chargers will get plenty of pressure on the Jets' QB, whose name is ... um ... well you know, he's that guy ... Hmm, this is embarrassing. Who's the Jets' quarterback? Well he has to be decent enough right? He should be able to get this win ... PSYCHE! We must learn from our past or else we are doomed to repeat it. Historical reverence yo.

Chargers 27-13

Sunday Night

Cincinnati @ New England

I'm at one of those crossroads in which I have to figure out at what point I stop treating the Patriots as if they're still a top notch squad. I say not just yet. Historical reverence yo.

Patriots 20-17

Monday Night

Seattle @ Washington

Kirk Cousins is coming off of a stunningly abysmal performance with the Seahawks coming to town. In the words of that thug from Dumb and Dumber: Talk about being in wrrrong place at the wrrrong time. I'm imagining that the LOB and the rest of the D looked like this while watching Cousins film.

Seahawks 27-9