NFL Picks - Week 9

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Cleveland

It pains me to say this, but I'm starting to lose faith in Mike Glennon. The 1-6 Bucs rank last in the league in offense and defense. That's actually pretty impressive. Pathetic and sad, but impressive. This week look for Tampa to continue to courageously defy the odds and play terribly in every facet of the game. Godspeed gents, you're the real heroes.

Browns 24-12

Arizona @ Dallas

This game is resting on Tony Romo's back. Quite literally. Jerry Jones told the media this week that Romo's status will come down to pain tolerance, effectively throwing his quarterback under the bus if he's unable to play. Unfortunately, being under a bus is a terrible spot for a man with a back injury. Even if Romo does go he could be one hit away from leaving the game or being ineffective, leading me to begrudgingly take Arizona.

Cardinals 22-21

Philadelphia @ Houston

Last week J.J. Watt mockingly feigned a selfie after sacking Titans QB Zach Mettenberger tweeted a picture of himself prior to the game. This week he'll take on Nick Foles, who I'm told likes to sell off his game used equipment on eBay. Seeing as how Watt likes to mock online activity, if he brings down the Eagles' QB he'll have no choice but to remove something from his person and auction it off in the stands during the game. Depending on his deadline and whether or not he has a "buy it now" option this process could take J.J. some time and cause him to miss considerable game action. The Eagles have had trouble pulling out games late on the road, so it would behoove them to allow Watt to get a sack right around the start of the fourth quarter, getting him off the field and neutralizing the Texans' pass rush.

Eagles 27-23

New York Jets @ Kansas City

The Chiefs are starting to come on, while the Jets continue to make fans shout, "Come on!" The Geno Smith experiment appears to be over, with the initial hypothesis of "Geno Smith is a starting quarterback in the NFL" failing to have been proved. To be fair, the scientist behind the whole thing was a bit insane.

Chiefs 26-10

Jacksonville @ Cincinnati

The Bengals won last week on the strength of what many are calling a dubious offensive pass interference call. But those folks are overlooking the fact that the penalty was called against Steve Smith (Sr.), and any call against him is believable and justified, just like Michael Madsen's performance in Sin City. You'll notice that I haven't written much about this actual game yet; there's a reason for that. If the Jags would like me to pay attention to them they'll need to put together a couple of respectable performances. Same goes for you Michael Madsen.

Bengals 34-17

San Diego @ Miami

The Chargers have not won in Miami since their playoff classic in January of 1982. A shocking stat until you consider that that's only 7 games, and that very few of the players on either rosters had anything to do with more than one of those contests. So what was the point of even bringing it up? Don't ask me, I just scour the 'net for hot takes and then cobble them together in this space. In case you couldn't tell I've spent a lot of time on Michael Madsen's IMDB page the past few days.

Chargers 24-21

Washington @ Minnesota

Both of these teams are coming off road wins ... I know, it doesn't seem right, but I double checked it and it's accurate. So which squad will capitalize off of their unfamiliar momentum? Washington is foolishly starting Robert Griffin III over folk hero Colt McCoy, more or less squandering whatever chance they might have had. If you have Paul Bunyan on the roster, you don't sit him down. And I know what you're thinking, Bunyan was way more suited to the college game and his throwing style can't work in the pros. Well answer me this, who's tackling the guy? I don't care what his release point is, just let him run the ball 40 times a game. Washington's hubris and RG3's rust will result in a loss.

Vikings 17-13

Sunday Afternoon

St. Louis @ San Francisco

These teams met less than a month ago, and in between their cities' baseball teams played an NLCS against each other. San Francisco got the upper-hand on both occasions, and now they greedily seek another feather in their cap. When will enough be enough? How many feathers can one cap possibly hold? You already have multiple NFC Championship game feathers, though I guess there's only one NFC Champion feather in there, and even that feather doesn't take up nearly as much space as a Super Bowl champion feather. So, I suppose the Niners aren't being as greedy as I thought. Have another feather, there's still plenty of room on that cap.

49ers 27-13

Denver @ New England

Manning/Brady! Eeeeeeeee! I can hardly contain myself. I'm literally bursting at the seams. Seriously, someone call a doctor for me; I can't operate a phone due to burst finger seams. I knew I shouldn't have gotten that elective surgery to have my skin removed and then sewn back on. The surgeons even told me there was a 60% chance of my seams bursting, if I got too excited about something. Well, live and learn, and then spend the rest of your life without any skin. It's hard to pick against the Broncos at this point, but I'm brave enough to do just that. Who's with me? Up top! Give me some skin! Seriously, I'll need multiple grafts, if you could spare some it would be a big help.

Patriots 31-28

Oakland @ Seattle

The Seahawks have been a bit drowsy in the first half the last two weeks, being outscored 27-9. While they've rallied in the second half to outscore their opponents 30-10 in those games just imagine the success they would have had if they'd come out sharp from the opening whistle. Well guess what, daylight savings time ends early Sunday morning. We get our hour back baby! All of that extra rest, plus the fact that this kickoff is at 1:25 anyway and taking place inside the CLink should add up to a solid Hawks performance. As long as Derek Carr doesn't pull a Mike Glennon.

Seahawks 30-10

Sunday Night

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh

With what we've seen so far from these two teams this game promises to be as entertaining as it is wacky; just like Weird Al. If he has any semblance of availability they need to get him to play halftime. And just in case everyone in attendance didn't read these picks they could simply make an announcement over the PA system explaining the entertaining/wacky correlation between W. Al Yankovic and the teams. Missed opportunity if it doesn't happen. I'll assume it does and that W.A.Y. provides a morale boost for the home team.

Steelers 33-30

Monday Night

Indianapolis @ New York Giants

The Colts' defense gave up 0 and 51 points in consecutive weeks. That's the first time in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE that a team has given up 50+ points following a shutout. In case you're wondering, no, I did not research that, but it has to be true, right? And if I'm wrong may God strike me dead at this very ...........................

Oh wow guys, look at this, he was writing some sort of rudimentary picks column for young kids. I mean, I don't watch any football, I'm too busy trying to save lives as an EMT, but even I can tell that there is practically zero insight here. What does Michael Madsen have to do with anything? And why is he so obsessed with Mike Glennon? What's that? You resuscitated him? Oh, nice work .........................

 Haha, nice try God! I'm going with Indy, and a feeling of invincibility.

Colts 31-24