NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

Jacksonville @ Tennessee

Shouldn't this game be in London? We're looking at a match-up of the league's two worst teams ... Whoops! Forgot about the Raiders for a minute. If only I could've made that permanent. It's still unknown if Charlie Whitehurst will start this game, and that's just not fair to someone trying to pick the outcome. I'll bank on the assumption that Locker isn't ready and go with the Jags. And I'll live to regret it!

Jaguars 17-16

Baltimore @ Tampa Bay

Glennon almost did it, the son of a bitch. He almost led the Bucs to an upset win in New Orleans. Now Tampa returns home after three weeks on the road. Bad news: the FlacMan is waiting at their doorstep. I'm really torn here, I wish I could pick a tie. But that's not what you folks come here for. You need definitive picks; you crave structure in this constantly shifting landscape. I have to do my part.

Ravens 27-24 OT

Denver @ New York Jets

Rex Ryan recently said that he thinks he will be fired if he doesn't fix the Jets. Bold statement. Conventional wisdom is that a coach can continue to lose forever and hold on to their job in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Rex has conquered Peyton Manning before, but to be fair he had Mark Sanchez as his quarterback then, and when you have Mark Sanchez as your quarterback anything is possible. With Geno Smith as your quarterback, the ball isn't passable.

Broncos 38-13

Detroit @ Minnesota

Teddy Bridgewater's back. Calvin Johnson's out. Seems like a recipe for a Minnesota victory. Coincindentally the other day I stumbled upon a great Minnesota Victory recipe. In case you didn't know that's a casserole that involves heavy amounts of mayonnaise and cheese. 

Vikings 21-20

New England @ Buffalo

Did you see that Pats/Bengals game last Sunday night? Tom Brady is back! Back to his annoying, overly enthusiastic self. Though it still looked a bit manufactured. Like, I better seem really into this game so that people lay off. I expect Tom Terrific will be a bit more subdued this week, if for nothing else because he's facing that swarming Jim Schwartz defense. Congrats to Schwartz by the way who helped defeat his former team, the Lions, in an early October match-up. Truly a victory worthy of asking your new players to carry you off the field on their shoulders. Congrats Turbo Redface, just when I think you can't be a bigger turbo you shock the world. Your dedication to being a turbo humbles us all.

Patriots 27-19 

Carolina @ Cincinnati

Cam Newton had his wisdom teeth pulled on Wednesday, which I have to believe will have an effect on his play this Sunday. The team docs will probably give him some pain relief pills before the game, but after a few hits and some general game action I imagine that he'll start feeling soreness in his jaw. It will probably become unbearable with just under 3 minutes remaining in the first, right around tooth hurty.

Bengals 21-14

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

Two takeaways from the Browns historic comeback win over the Titans last week: Brian Hoyer does not quit; Charlie Whitehurst does. Chaz even put his hair up in a bun during the game, which shows what he was really worried about. Brian Hoyer doesn't have any hair, so he's never distracted. Except if he spots a major babe in the stands, Hoyer loves babes. That's what motivates him: play well, score babes. He has a real chance to shine for the ladies this week in a rivalry game against a Steelers team that has has gone 33-5 against Cleveland over the past 19 seasons. Obviously none of the current players have anything to do with most of those games, but still pretty astonishing domination. Regardless, I say Hoyer brings it for the broads and gets the win.

Browns 30-27

Green Bay @ Miami

The Packers seem to be back in the swing of things after consecutive blowout wins against division foes. Seem being the operative word. Don't trust these guys, not for a minute. They will stab you in the back and start sucking at the drop of a hat. I'm not sure why they'd do that, it really wouldn't be beneficial for anybody involved. But that just proves my long standing thesis: the Packers are idiots.

Packers 31-20

Sunday Afternoon

San Diego @ Oakland

The Chargers are rolling and Philip Rivers looks like a serious MVP candidate. The exact opposite can be said for Oakland's situation. So I guess that would mean the Raiders are standing still and Derek Carr looks like a facetious MVP candidate. There's no reason the Raiders should win this game, but haven't we learned that chaos rules in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE? Isn't there a chance that Oakland rises up and plays their hearts out for 60 minutes? No. Like I said before, "no reason" that they'll win.

Chargers 35-17

Chicago @ Atlanta

Is it too early to say that the loser of this game will have serious trouble making the playoffs? Not if you have a copy of Grays Sports Almanac. No not, that one, the 2001-2050 edition. And in case you're wondering, yes they still manage to fit the results of every single game in every sport into the space of a slim 75 page booklet. You're also probably wondering why, if I truly do have a copy of that almanac, I don't just predict every game exactly correct. Well, I guess I was trying to throw you off the scent. But come to think of it, I could stand to hit a few more directly on the nose. Ok, here's an exacta:

Falcons 34-31

Washington @ Arizona

Does anybody know who the Cardinals' starting quarterback will be this week? Carson Palmer? Drew Stanton? Logan Thomas? A possible mystery fourth option? I'm intrigued by the that last possibility that I just made up. You don't see enough mystery QBs in today's game. Take me back to the days when a graphic would pop up advertising the afternoon games and there would just be two silhouettes with questions marks on the inside. It certainly made for greater intrigue. No matter who ends up behind center this Sunday for Arizona it should be good enough to get by Washington at home.

Cardinals 20-13

Dallas @ Seattle

The Seahawks' opening drive touchdown on Monday night was their first in 15 games. That would be a troubling stat if they weren't 12-3 in those games. Actually, now that I think about it, 3? What the hell? Tighten it up guys. DeMarco Murray comes into this game with 130 carries on the season, a total that is at least 36 greater than any other back in the league, and puts him on pace for 416, which would tie Larry Johnson's record for most in a season. That sort of grind-it-out strategy has worked well for the Cowboys so far, leading to four wins and fewer mistakes from Tony Romo. But what would happen if the run game wasn't clicking? Would Romo be compelled to pass more, resulting in him forcing throws that will inevitably be picked off? Yep.

Seahawks 24-14

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

LeSean McCoy is averaging 2.9 yards per carry. He's constantly running like he's Steven Jackson near the goal line. The Eagles' inability to run the ball or sustain long drives could ultimately lead to their demise. We saw a glimpse of this last week when they nearly relinquished a 27 point second half lead to the Rams. No, not a typo, the Rams. They'll need to get that straightened out ASAP, not PSIP (pretty soon if possible). I think they do enough to get the win at home.

Eagles 31-24

Monday Night

San Francisco @ St. Louis

The Rams have been putting up surprising point totals behind Austin Davis, so maybe I should stop being so hard on them. Or maybe, that's exactly what's fueling this offense. Nobody thinks they can get it done. And well, technically they've only actually gotten it done once. But who's to say this Monday won't be number 2? Me. I say it won't be. Hey, prove me wrong. Please.

49ers 23-20


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