NFL Picks - Week 8

Sunday Dawn

Washington @ Cincinnati
Jeremy Hill reemerged in Cincinnati's backfield to put up an astounding 18.7 yards per carry last week. By the way Yards Per Cary would be a great name for a landscaping company run by someone named Cary (or Carrie). We'll see what kind of yardage Hill can put up this week when the Bengals take on Washington in London. Although do they count as yards when you get them in England? Seriously I haven't thought about it until now but for the in-stadium scoreboard do they show stats in meters or yards? I mean they're close to the same thing, but close only counts in two instances, and neither of those are the metric system. This game is equally as confounding as this measurement issue, but I'll go with the home team (yes I know it's in London, but their logo will be at midfield, and that's mostly what a home field advantage is all about). 

Bengals 24-20

Sunday Morning

Kansas City @ Indianapolis
The Chiefs are rounding into form. They now sit at 4-2 and are right in the thick of things in the AFC West. Andy Reid must be thrilled. At least with his team's play on the field; home life is another story. Halloween's just around the corner and of course his wife is going to dust off the pumpkin costume and make him wear it while handing out candy to the greedy little snots in the neighborhood. Does she have any idea how demeaning that is? Making a man his size dress up like a big round pumpkin. He's an NFL coach for God's sake! He's a well respected man everywhere he goes except for inside the four walls where he should command the most reverence. Though that's impossible when his "partner" is constantly undermining him. Maybe he'll just get drunk this year. That'd ruffle her feathers. How's she gonna like it when a giant pumpkin spills his guts all over the front porch? Ah who's he kidding, he'd just be the one that would have to clean it up. Ugh, why couldn't Halloween have just been on a Sunday? Fuck you leap year.

Chiefs 27-22

Oakland @ Tampa Bay
The Raiders have proven themselves to be road warriors this season, which is appropriate because you'll see plenty of Oakland fans sporting these shoulder pads. Unfortunately for the Raiders this is their last road game untilllll, let me just check here ... December 8th ... Huh?!? This is real, following this game the Raiders play four straight at home and have a bye over the next five weeks. It's like the schedule maker created schedules for 31 teams, brushed off his hands, kicked back, and fell asleep. When he woke up he realized he'd forgotten about Oakland so he just had to shoehorn them in because the deadline was in an hour. Of course you're going to say, "Ya know the whole schedule is done by computers now." Ok, well then what I just described happened to the man inside the computer. No I don't know how computers work. How did we get here? This is stupid, let's move on. I have to stick with the Raiders on the road until they prove me wrong, because that's the trick to picking games: always be a week late!

Raiders 32-29

Seattle @ New Orleans
Russell Wilson has 5 passing TDs on the season through the first 6 games. As opposed to the 21 TDs he threw over the final six contests last season. So what's wrong? Maybe it's the fact that he's been hobbled by injuries or that his offensive line sucks. Actually there's no "maybe" about it, those are the reasons. Still he's been effective against lousy defenses, which isn't a shock, but is worth pointing out since that's exactly what he's up against this week. Although, if you look at the stats the Saints has given up 9 passing TDs, which ranks around the middle of the league, whereas they've surrendered 11 scores on the ground, good for most in the NFL. So maybe this is another week in which Wilson let's the run game get the glory in the red zone. Assuming there is some glory in the red zone. It would be nice to see some touchdowns. Please? 

Seahawks 27-16

Detroit @ Houston
There is no team in the league who has a greater dichotomy between their home and road performance than the Texans. They're 4-0 in Houston and 0-3 elsewhere, with all of their losses being by at least 18 points. They remind me of when I used to be afraid to spend the night at any of my friends' houses. Every time I was away from home I was off my game, whether it be my performance in Nintendo, hide and go seek, or just general goofing. But eventually I grew up and got back to slammin' sodas, munching 'za, and playing high level Tecmo Super Bowl. The Texans need to do the same thing if they want to reach a real Super Bowl, Tecmo or otherwise. Unfortunately for them Brock Osweiler still looks like a frightened child any time he's away from home, so don't expect much postseason success considering they'd most likely have to win a couple games on the road come late January. In fact, I've heard (from no sources whatsoever) that he's been wetting his own bed now, so even a home game probably won't get him on track. I'm going with Detroit.

Lions 24-23

New York Jets @ Cleveland
Well here it is, I said it last week, this would be the first (and possibly only) game the Browns will win all year. Then the Jets got a win over the Ravens, and the Browns were forced to play yet another quarterback in their loss to Cincinnati. It's gotten so bad for Cleveland that they just signed a QB named Joe Callahan, who I think is Tommy Boy's son, maybe? That movie did take place in Ohio ... Anyway I'm not backing down on my original prediction. In the same week that the Indians hosted their first ever World Series opener and the Cavs hoisted their first ever championship banner, the Browns will heist their first win of the season. Which I guess means they'll steal it in a close one. Look it just worked so well within the sentence that I had to do it, I'm not sure if that's what will actually happen. Though when a team is trotting out Kevin Hogan and Joe Callahan as their QBs anything but a close win would be downright crazy. Crazy like a Brown (fox jumping over a lazy dog). 

Browns 17-16

New England @ Buffalo
If this game feels like it just happened that's because these teams played only four weeks ago, and because you've been in a coma for the last 23 days. Welcome back! I have some terrible news though, Billy Bush is no longer on the Today Show. Yes it's only been about a month but it's a different world we now live in. Much has changed for these two teams as well. Tom Brady is once again the Patriots' starting quarterback and the Bills are a confusing, inconsistent team. Ok, so nothing's changed for Buffalo. Does anything ever change in Buffalo though? Am I right? Seriously, am I? I've never been to Buffalo. 

Patriots 31-20

Arizona @ Carolina
Has the Panthers' D sucked this season? Yes, out loud. If you put your ear up close to whatever you're reading this on you just might be able to hear them now. Does it seem like there are nothing but bad vibes surrounding this team? Yes, the Super Bowl hangover is real, especially if you don't drink (or lose) a ton and you're immature about it when you do (COUGH ... COUGH). So why do I get the sneaking suspicion that they're going to win this game? It's solely because of the Cardinals' previous contest. Make all the jokes you want about the 6-6 tie, and there are plenty available, but you could tell it was a physically and emotionally draining game. Now, after playing an extra quarter in a night game, the Cardinals have to travel cross country and play at 10am on the road. Sure the Seahawks have to do the same thing, but Arizona needed that game more, and their coach seems to have let it affect him more, complaining that leaping rules during kicks should be changed because they didn't work out for his team last week. This is the same guy who petitioned the NFL to let him wear a Kangol cap on the sideline though, so it won't be too shocking if the league doesn't take him seriously. 

Panthers 24-21

Sunday Afternoon

San Diego @ Denver
Remember that coma guy I was talking to earlier? He missed the last time these teams played because it was only two weeks ago! Why not just let them play back to back weeks? They could play it off like a rematch and interview Philip Rivers and Von Miller at midfield after the first game to hype it up. Miller could say something along the lines of, "You have enough kids to make it clear that you never worry about protection, but you better next week, because we're coming for you." Has that joke been made before? Probably. On this site? Maybe. I honestly can't remember, but I have to imagine the rematch gimmick would add some juice to this match-up. If the Chargers lose this week and still plan on making the playoffs they'll have quite the hill to climb, which would most likely be very difficult in shoulder pads. I think they surprise the defending champs and get the season sweep.

Chargers 20-17

Green Bay @ Atlanta
This one promises to be a shootout. The Packers' offense hasn't looked as explosive as in the past, but only once so far this season has Atlanta held a team below 26 points, and they've put up at least 23 in every game. So yeah there should be plenty of fireworks in this one. And I don't mean snakes or Roman candles, we're talking about the stuff they keep below the shelf. The kind of stuff that you can only see after assuring the salesman that you're not a cop. And you have to tell them if you are, that's the law.

Falcons 34-31

Sunday Night

Philadelphia @ Dallas
It's a Sunday Night game featuring the Cowboys and Tony Romo has yet to return from injury, which means Cris Collinsworth will most likely have a strong opinion on it:
I'm not sure if he's trying to convince us or himself. Either way I'll take his advice on this game.

Cowboys 23-15

Monday Night

Minnesota @ Chicago
It's a spoooooky Halloween night match-up between the Vikings and the Bears. Who will walk out of this game alive? Minnesota's ghoulish group headlined by HorrorDarelle Splatterson and the running back duo of Scare-ick McSkinnin' and Bat I See Aaaahh(ta)? Or Chicago's bellicose brood with the returning quarterback Jay CUTler and running backs KaScream Scary and Jordan Howl-ard? Only the spirits know for certain! But probably the Vikings. Side note: if you have any Halloween themed NFL names that are even close to as good as the ones I just reeled off tweet them with the hashtag #NFLoween. That's right, it generated so much buzz last season that we're bringing it back!

Vikings 26-13


NFL Picks - Week 8 Thursday

Jacksonville @ Tennessee
After these teams met in one of the ugliest uniform match-ups in NFL history the league has decided to run it back for another color rush game. This feels like the NFL is really thumbing their nose at us. It's like everybody telling you your new haircut is awful so then you go get the same thing a month later solely in an attempt to prove to everyone that their comments didn't bother you. Really though they crushed you inside. Everyone always says, "Who cares what other people think?" You, that's who. Praise from others is what you live for. That's why you post those cloying puppy videos on Facebook; you crave the cheap "likes," you need them. It's sad, but it's time to face the truth. Which is exactly what these teams and the league need to do. Stop scheduling these two to play each other on Thursdays. Also because we don't care about the actual games.

Titans 27-20


NFL Picks - Week 7

Sunday Dawn

New York Giants @ Los Angeles
New York vs LA, the classic East Coast/West Coast battle, so it only makes sense hat it should be played in ... London? Not only that, but the game is kicking off at 6:30am Pacific time, which doesn't seem fair for the Rams' rabid? No ... Passionate? No ... Newly existent LA fan base. For those of us who do wake up in time to catch some of this game we'll probably see Odell Beckham, Jr. continue his ongoing bits with the kicking net that are only funny to him at this point. Though if he brings out a veil for the net and puts on a tuxedo dickie for a mock wedding I'll have to give him credit. After that though he'll only have one logical place to go with it, and it will be the sight of Beckham consummating his marriage to the kicking net that will finally end the NFL's relationship with London.

Rams 27-22

Sunday Morning

New Orleans @ Kansas City
When I picked the Chiefs to lose a close game last week I forgot that they were coming off a bye week and that Andy Reid is nearly unstoppable when he's had a week off. It makes sense, Reid seems like a guy that really enjoys vacation. Can't you just imagine him by a beach with a Hawaiian shirt on sippin' a cool, tropical drink out of a coconut as a single bead of sweat trickles down his forehead; he considers brushing it away but then thinks to himself, "Hey, why sweat it?" He lets out a slight chuckle and considers telling his wife, but then decides against it, she'd just offer a courtesy laugh that is actually more insulting than if she'd done nothing at all, and he suspects she knows that, which is probably why she does it. This vacation was supposed to fix everything but instead it's just magnifying it. "Speaking of magnifying I feel like a goddamn ant with a sadistic kid roasting me on the sidewalk out here," Andy thinks. Maybe he should take his shirt off? Sure it would be embarrassing, but his wife would be even more embarrassed, and that would make it worthwhile. Anyway, can't you just imagine that? Maybe it's just me. The Chiefs may be rounding into form and I think we'll see them slow down the Saints' potentially potent offense.

Chiefs 30-19

Indianapolis @ Tennessee
Yuck, another AFC South game between two losing teams ... wait the Titans are 3-3? When did this happen? I'm not going to blame myself for being surprised since their consecutive wins have come against the Dolphins and Browns in games that I legitimately don't thing I've seen one snap of. Now you might say that that seems unprofessional of me, to which I would counter: good, I'm not getting paid for this (and I'm not very accurate) so I don't have to act like a professional. Speaking of not acting like a professional, most of the Colts suck, so I'll pick the hot(?) team.

Titans 28-20

Minnesota @ Philadelphia
It's Minny vs. Philly. Do you think somewhere on Sunday there will be two old ladies watching this game together named Minny and Philly? Yeah, me neither. That was a dumb idea, right? Ha haaaaa ... God I want for it to happen so badly! But Minny is an Eagles fan and Philly is a Vikings fan! Can you imagine it?!? Carson Wentz has been solid all year, but this will be the first top 10 defense he's faced, and I think it will give Wentz ... fits. Wait, that doesn't rhyme. Shit.

Vikings 19-13 

Cleveland @ Cincinnati
Look, we've all had a fun time goofing on the Browns this season, but I gotta admit, I don't think they're actually the worst team in the league. Sure they have the worst record, but look at their point differential ... Second worst! Ok so yeah, they're bad, but at some point they're going to win a game; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but someday (and that day will be next Sunday, 10/30 when they play the Jets).

Bengals 27-17

Washington @ Detroit
Last week the Lions held a halftime ceremony to celebrate the 25th anniversary of their 1991 team. You're probably assuming that that team won the Super Bowl or at least went to it, right? No, in fact, Detroit has never been to a Super Bowl. Those 1991 honorees won the Central division and lost in the NFC title game. Probably the main reason they were celebrated in such a fashion is that they represent the closest a Lions team has ever been to the Super Bowl. That begs the question, should this really have been a celebration? I feel like if I were a Detroit fan in attendance I would have finished applauding the '91 squad and then just broke down in tears. It was a savvy move though from the Lions PR staff to not hold said celebration this week when they're playing the franchise that beat them 41-10 in that aforementioned NFC title game. Again, the team that was honored lost the NFC title game 41-10. The fact that this game is being played in Detroit makes it a toss up for me. I'm going to take the Lions if for nothing more than I don't think Washington is good enough to have a 5-2 record.

Lions 27-24

Oakland @ Jacksonville
This game feels like an Intercontinental Title match between two young up and comers where you know both guys are going places in the future. Then again, I'm not totally sure about the Jaguars yet, so maybe they're the Marty Jannetty to the Raiders' Shawn Michaels. You guys watched early '90s WWF right? I don't have to explain any of this to you? Good. Oakland stumbled last week but now they go back on the road where they're undefeated this season. Look for them to keep it going and take the IC title on to Survivor Series.

Raiders 30-28

Buffalo @ Miami
After scuffling to an 0-2 start the Bills are now 4-2 on the year, which begs the question: Is Buffalo good? My answer is a resounding "Yeah probably." Did you know that they have the largest point differential in the league right now? If you said yes I'm just going to assume that you're lying, so I'm not even sure why I asked. They should get another win this Sunday even without LeSean McCoy or Tom Brady. McCoy's absence should be the only one that impacts this game though considering that Brady never plays for the Bills. 

Bills 24-17

Baltimore @ New York Jets
As I said earlier I'm not totally sure that the Browns are the worst team in the league, regardless of the fact they're the only winless squad left. So who's worse? The Jets, that's who. Of course they could easily jump up and get the Ravens this week because this league rarely makes sense. But when we're dealing with Ryan Fitzpatrick I feel like we can safely say that ... What's that? Geno Smith is starting at QB? Trying to figure out if that's any better ... Probably not.

Ravens 29-21

Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco
Colin Kaepernick returned to the field last Sunday, and it was everything we thought it would be. Which means that there were some flashes of excitement but ultimately he ended up completing less than half his passes and the Niners took the loss. The Bucs also had a predictable week, going on a bye just as I and many other pundits prognosticated. I can usually nail when a time will go on their bye within a week or two. Something else that's very predictable is the Niners run D; it's consistently awful. People haven't had this much success rushing on San Francisco since the prospectors that the team is named for. I expect this trend to continue and Tampa's running game to find gold ... GOLD!

Buccaneers 33-23

San Diego @ Atlanta
Watching the Chargers nearly blow another game in truly ridiculous fashion last Thursday was quite the unique experience. During that fourth quarter was the first time I could ever remember fully expecting a team to recover their own onside kick. And when the Broncos successfully did so I don't think anybody was shocked. That's the special thing about the 2016 San Diego Chargers, they make the impossible possible. They do it through spectacular failures, but hey they're still spectacular. San Diego faces a tough test this week in the 4-2 Falcons, though I think Atlanta's last game exposed their fatal flaw: Julio Jones is not very good at catching balls with one hand. Take away one or both of his arms and you can make some hay against these guys. However, I'm not sure San Diego has a defense capable of executing such a complex scheme, so I'll go with Atlanta here. It'll be close though, because of course it will.

Falcons 31-28

New England @ Pittsburgh
I was all set to anoint this game a Triple P (Possible Playoff Preview), in fact in the preseason I predicted it would be the AFC title game, but now Ben Roethlisberger is out for at least 4 weeks and we have to reconsider everything. More specifically everything regarding the Steelers, not everything. Don't make any life changing decisions because Landry Jones will be starting for Pittsburgh for a month or so. The only thing working in the Steelers' favor here is that Bill Belichick seems obsessed with his hatred for the NFL mandated Microsoft tablets. He recently spent five minutes expounding on his distaste for the device. It's possible that he'll become so frustrated with his tablet on the sideline this Sunday that he decides to go with a desktop computer to get the job done. However, it will take well into the 3rd quarter to actually set it up, distracting Belichick from the real task at hand. Even with their coach busy setting up his Norton's account and choosing his default internet browser New England should get the win in this one.

Patriots 30-16

Sunday Night

Seattle @ Arizona
Obviously I'll seem biased regarding this game, so let's get some fair and balanced analysis from the best in the biz Cris Collinsworth:
Hmm, couldn't help but notice that you didn't really make a definitive pick there CriColl. I guess it's up to me then.

Seahawks 23-16 

Monday Night

Houston @ Denver
I'd just like to take a minute to address the Texans' 26-23 OT win from last Sunday strictly to point out that I predicted that they'd tie the Colts 26-26. It's probably best for you that I narrowly missed, because if I had correctly predicted a tie WITH the exact score I would've mentioned it every week in perpetuity. As is, I'll only bring it up this once (not at all a binding promise). After consecutive sluggish losses the Broncos no longer seem the imposing force that they were through the first month of the season. As for the Texans, well they've proven they can win at home (4-0) but have yet to prove anything on the road. Granted both of their away games to date have been tough match-ups (NE, MIN), but it's not as if this one is much easier. I'm sure some will be interested to see how Brock Osweiler performs in his return to Denver, but personally I won't be interested in another Houston game until 12/11 when they play at Indianapolis and I get another chance at that tie.

Broncos 20-13


NFL Picks - Week 7 Thursday

Chicago @ Green Bay
The Packers suffered a troubling home loss to the Cowboys last week, but there's good news: the Bears are coming to their house! Now that can mean different things in different situations. For instance, If you live in the woods, it's a frightening proposition. But if you've been on Craigslist and are looking to try something new, you're probably excited if not a bit trepidatious. In 2016 NFL parlance, the Bears coming to your house can only be considered cause for celebration. This game won't solve all of Green Bay's problems, but just like those bears you found on Craigslist, it should provide at least one night of fun.

Packers 27-17


NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

San Francisco @ Buffalo
This week all the talk regarding this game has been about Colin Kaepernick getting his first start in nearly a year. And while that is an interesting storyline I'm more excited that we get the rare opportunity to see Chris Berman's perennial Super Bowl pick come to fruition. For those of you who don't know, Berman predicted a Niners/Bills Super Bowl prior to nearly every season in the 90's. It never actually happened, but I have to think this will be some consolation to the Schwam, who will no doubt be looking down this Sunday and smiling. No, not because he's dead, because he watches all Bills game from a blimp hovering above Ralph Wilson Stadium.

Bills 30-13

Philadelphia @ Washington
I finally picked the Eagles to win a game last week and they promptly suffered their first loss of the season in Detroit. I almost feel like I can't trust this group of people that I've never met. To be fair they only lost by 1, but it was against a Lions team that probably isn't as good as the one they're up against this week. Seeing as how the NFL always makes sense, Washington is almost guaranteed the win. It's the transitive property folks and it never lies. Then again, as you already know, NFL legend Vince Lombardi always said, "Fuck the transitive property," so this one is anybody's guess.

Redskins 23-20

Cleveland @ Tennessee
There is no escape if you're a Browns quarterback. You will get hurt. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. They've used four different QBs so far, including two who both suffered injuries last week. Cleveland quarterbacks have had the crap kicked out of them so much this season that it's no wonder they decided to wear brown pants last week. Cody Kessler is supposedly healthy enough to make the start this week, and the fact that the Browns are actually relieved by that tells you all you need to know.

Titans 27-16

Baltimore @ New York Giants
This one is what I call a ski race because both teams are going downhill (ZING!). Also because there's a chance that a yeti will run onto the field and eat all the players a la Ski Free. My guess is that Flacco and Manning will trade mistakes late and the game will ultimately come down to who wants it more. That team will lose because they're too desperate. The cooler, more laid back team that couldn't care less will win cuz they got chill. Surprisingly that will be the one with Odell Beckham, Jr. on it.

Giants 26-23

Carolina @ New Orleans
The Panthers say they aren't concerned about Cam Newton riding around Charlotte on a scooter. They should be. And I'm not even referring to his safety, I'm referring to the fact that he looks like a dork. This guy is the face of their franchise and he's cruising around on a bobo Segway dressed like an Australian's nightmare. On Sunday he'll be welcomed back from a concussion by the Saints' defense, which is actually a nice transition back to facing an actual NFL opponent. Seriously, my dog could shred the New Orleans D. That's less an indictment of the Saints and more just a prediction that (most) NFL players would feel weird tackling a dog.

Panthers 39-31

Jacksonville @ Chicago
Just when you want to write off the Jaguars they beat the Colts in London and make you think, "Yeah they're still pretty lousy, but they play in the AFC South, so ya never know ... Hey, What was the name of the deaf American Gladiator?" Your mind was really wandering that day. It's true though, there's a chance that Jacksonville could be a half game out of first in their division after Sunday, and if that's not motivation enough to beat Chicago then maybe the fact that Blake Bortles' parents were eaten by bears (in a bizarre dream I had, I should clarify) will do the trick. I'll pick Jacksonville in a wild n' sloppy one. Oh and the name of the deaf American Gladiator was Siren; kind of messed up really.

Jaguars 27-24

Los Angeles @ Detroit
Last Sunday, with under four minutes to play and his team trailing by 4 Jeff Fisher called for a fake punt that ultimately failed and left the Bills at the Rams' 25 yard line. Buffalo went on to score a touchdown that for all intents and purposes ended the game. So what was Fisher thinking? Is there any chance he's just tired of coaching and would rather be fired and receive the remainder of his contract to sit at home? What I'm saying is, I think he's trying to get fired, he's pulling a Costanza. Remember that Seinfeld episode in which George was attempting to get fired from the Yankees? It's hard to tell if that's exactly what's happening here, but if Fisher shows up to the postgame press conference sloppily eating strawberries in one of Deacon Jones' game worn jerseys I think we'll have our answer.

Lions 20-17

Pittsburgh @ Miami
After being embarrassed by their intrastate counterparts in Week 3 the Steelers have murdered their last two opponents. Not literally of course, though it is a bit conspicuous that Mike Tomlin took out a large life insurance policy on both the Chiefs and the Jets before their games against them. Look, I'm not saying these slaughters were premeditated, but I've heard multiple reports that the Steelers were practicing something in the days leading up to both of those games. Something nefarious? Who am I to say. Just don't be shocked if the Dolphins wash up on the Atlantic shore Monday morning.

Steelers 34-20

Cincinnati @ New England
Now that Tom Brady is officially back can we talk about his mattress commercial in which he's definitely about to participate in some sort of twisted sex trafficking scenario? See for yourself:
The only way this could be creepier is if he were wearing a masquerade mask. Why do you need a secluded, subterranean room with no windows and only a bed Tom Brady? Is it for sleeping? Well then why are there no sheets on the bed?!? Something really messed up is about to go down here. Also, why the hell is Tom Brady doing a mattress commercial?

Patriots 30-20

Sunday Afternoon

Kansas City @ Oakland
The Raiders just keep winning close games. Here are their victory margins so far: 1, 7, 1, 3. This could mean a few different things: they're not quite as good as their 4-1 record would indicate, they have the mental strength to win close games, or they're adrenaline junkies who thrive on intense late-game situations; the Bodhi's of the NFL. I like to think it's the last one. And if that is the case then we may see them go out in a blaze of glory at some point this season, maybe trying to surf to their game in Jacksonville next week. However this week in another close one. Alex Smith will have a chance to mount a late comeback, but he's not coming back ...

Raiders 28-27

Atlanta @ Seattle
Atlanta coach Dan Quinn went to the NFL before the season and requested consecutive away games for his team's longest road trips of the year so that he could keep the team out west and avoid as many long flights as possible. And the NFL obliged with this Denver/Seattle combo. What?!? Coaches can just do that now? Where do they draw the line? Could a West coast team request no 10am starts? What about a coach with a roster full of party animals asking for all night games to avoid hangover effects? Or maybe some sneaky bastard (Belichick) requesting all home games. Obviously none of that would happen, but I'm surprised this Atlanta situation did too. Quinn will be punished for his hubris come Sunday.

Seahawks 31-17

Dallas @ Green Bay
With the success of Dak Prescott we're hearing the same question pop up everywhere: should he relinquish the starting quarterback job once Tony Romo is healthy? To me the real question is what's with this Trump character? Am I right?!? But if we're talking specifically about the Cowboys I say you play the hot hand. If Prescott keeps winning keep him in. Some would argue that you can't lose your job to injury. Drew Bledsoe would probably be one of those people. He's still saying it to anyone who will listen. But the truth is, in this economy no one is safe. One Dallas rookie who most certainly has his starting spot assured is the NFL's leading rusher Ezekiel Elliott. This week he faces a Packers rush defense that has given up only 42 yards per game so far, so definitely keep an eye on the match-up. Do want you want with your other eye ya perv. I'll take Green Bay to win, but only because they're still at home.

Packers 24-21

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Houston
Let's check in with the best color commentator in the game and get his thoughts on this week's Sunday Night Football game:
Good news CC, Goin' South is still available online! Before the season I predicted that these teams would tie each other in one of their two match-ups this season. Here's opportunity number one!

TIE 26-26

Monday Night

New York Jets @ Arizona
New York looks like a lifeless team and we're only five games into the season. And now the Jets have run into a bunch of birds. Hmm, jets running into birds. You thinking what I'm thinking? There's only one man who can rescue them now. Only one man that can grab the reins of these Jets that are in a free fall only minutes into their flight and steer them toward safety. And that one man? You guessed it: Sully. Now I'm not sure if he has any football knowledge or in what capacity he could help the team, but now that the buzz around his movie has died down he needs a new way to stay in the cultural spotlight. What better way than saving more Jets from New York? Never mind, that's a really dumb idea. Arizona will win by a lot.

Cardinals 31-16


NFL Picks - Week 6 Thursday

Denver @ San Diego
Last week I wondered what sort of fourth quarter malady would befall the Chargers next and settled on a last-second Hail Mary. It turned out to be a botched hold on a potentially game-tying field goal, a play that prompted an exasperated Philip Rivers to exclaim, "We're the bad news bears man," from the sideline. At least the Bad News Bears' manager gave them post game beers. I doubt Mike McCoy was handing out any cold ones in the locker room on Sunday, and if he was it was probably Caguama or some Belgian shit. Either way, there's no end in sight for this team's streak of confounding finishes. This week's guess: multiple Denver defensive touchdowns in the last 10 minutes followed by troubled local youth Kelly Leak ripping into the stadium on his motorbike and offering his services at QB. McCoy will oblige and give him a try and Leak will decline to wear a helmet or pads of any kind because he's a total badass. Unfortunately that hubris will be his undoing as on his first drop back he'll be obliterated by Von Miller and SERIOUSLY injured. The incident will make the NFL reexamine its rule which allows kids that look tough enough to handle the action play in games.

Broncos 27-20


NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

New England @ Cleveland
It's been a hard luck season for the Browns, they lost their top two quarterbacks to injury, they're the only winless team in the league, and the referees aren't even willing to believe that they could recover their own fumble. But now they finally a break for Cleveland, they get to face the New England Patriots who are starting yet another new quarterback, their third in the first five weeks. When will Belichick finally settle on one guy and end this turmoil? I mean after losing 16-0 at home to the Bills I don't blame him for wanting to make another switch, but who's to say this new guy will be the answer? Fortunately for New England, even with poor quarterback play they should be able to get by the Browns. 

Patriots 30-16

Philadelphia @ Detroit
Two weeks ago I mistakenly said that Carson Wentz would be making his home debut in the Eagles Week 3 match-up against the Steelers. It was an embarrassing gaffe for a writer that prides himself on accuracy and truth. So I apologize and promise to do better in the future. Philadelphia comes into this game at 4-0, with Wentz having thrown an impressive three touchdowns in last week's victory over the Houston Oilers. Now they travel to Detroit to take on a Lions squad that has looked rather toothless of late. The Eagles should get the win here, or rather they better, because their schedule gets more difficult soon, including a late season trip to Baltimore to take on the Colts.

Eagles 22-17

Chicago @ Indianapolis
For the first time ever a team is being forced to play the week after traveling to London. Coincidentally enough that team is the Colts, who are playing in the game we're about to discuss. Good thing I brought it up, huh? This travel schedule doesn't seem fair, especially considering that the Colts have been lousy. When you combine lousy with jet-lag, things could get ugly. I'm guessing the Colts will show up to the stadium late, strapping their gear on as they scramble onto the field for the opening kickoff, then start running the wrong way once the game begins because, as everyone knows, the field goes the other way in England. All of this confusion will be too much to overcome, even against a subpar Chicago squad.

Bears 27-24

Tennessee @ Miami
You know that emoji that's just the straight-faced guy, no smile, no frown? That's the face I made when I looked at this match-up. The NFL could just issue a press release assuring us all that this game did indeed happen, make up stats and a final score and we'd all be fine with it. And with a Hurricane Matthew in the area that wouldn't be a bad idea. Of course, it would all be a lie though, it didn't happen ... unless it did. We'll never know because none of us tried to watch it. It's Schrodinger's game, if we never turn it on how can we be certain whether Ryan Tannehill is alive or dead? Ok, maybe it's more like the tree in the forest. But somebody should probably check on Ryan Tannehill. 

Dolphins 24-20

Washington @ Baltimore
 Oh baby, it's one of the NFL's classic quadrennial regional rivalries. Don't know what quadrennial means? Look it up, I just had to. It was in this match-up in 2012 when RG3 took a hit to the knee from Haloti Ngata that was the inciting incident of Griffin's career derailment. This begs the question: what sort of franchise altering play will occur this Sunday? My guess is that Terrell Suggs will sack Kirk Cousins, breaking his nose and unleashing a torrent of blood that will cover Cousins' face. As Washington owner Daniel Snyder stares down at his quarterback's red skin he'll think, "Maybe our team name is offensive." Cousins will stay in the game, refuse to clean himself off, and proceed to have a beastly performance. Inspired by his quarterback's play Snyder will officially change the team name to the Washington Bloody Savages. 

Ravens 30-27

Houston @ Minnesota
The Vikings' new stadium is modeled after an actual viking ship, to the extent that it is constantly floating on one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes. The bad news for the Texans is that Brock Osweiler regularly gets motion sickness. It's pretty much guaranteed that he'll barf all over the place throughout the game. At first it will be funny (if not hilarious) but eventually he'll vomit so much that everyone will get pretty concerned. Houston coach Bill O'Brien won't take him out though, because ya know, it's a pretty big game, but like most of us he'll feel pretty bummed out about. 

Vikings 20-13

New York Jets @ Pittsburgh
Ryan Fitzpatrick has thrown 9 picks in his last two games. He's become so prolific at throwing interceptions that I think we should coin a new phrase. Every time he tosses three picks in one game we'll call it a FitzHatTrick. Get that hashtag ready, because he's definitely going to do it again this season, if not this week. And the best part is that the Jets don't really have the option of putting in their backup quarterback, because that man is Geno Smith. Now for some bad news, I just checked and #FitzHatTrick has been used on Twitter before, but I didn't know that when I bought of it, and the guys that used it look way lamer than me, so we're gonna keep rolling with it.

Steelers 32-18

Sunday Afternoon 

Atlanta @ Denver
It's a rematch of Super Bowl XXXIII and a possible preview of Super Bowl LI? Ok maybe I'm being a bit premature ... Not that that's normal for me, whoever told you that is lying! One of the top defenses in the league going up against what is statistically the best offense in the league so far this season. So who's gonna give? Me, to charity, regularly. But that's not important, let's not discuss that here. I don't do it for the recognition, that's not what it's about. In fact, I wish you guys hadn't even found out, but whatever it's public knowledge now. I think Denver's D finds a way to slow down the prolific Atlanta offense.

Broncos 23-20

Cincinnati @ Dallas
The Cowboys are a somewhat surprising 3-1. Some would claim that that record is a product of their as of yet weak schedule. But hey, they can only play the teams that are on there, not to mention that the other guys are professionals too, so fair is fair. And when I say "professionals" I mean professional football players, though it would be interesting to see the Cowboys play against a group of people from a different line of work. 53 accountants? I'll take Dallas. 53 doctors? Yeah, still Dallas. But 53 magicians? That's a whole other story. Can you imagine the sleight of hand? They'd run the best play-action passes we've ever seen! They would certainly give new meaning to the term "misdirection." For all we know the quarterback would disappear from an oncoming pass rush and reappear in the end zone. I really want this to happen now. It probably won't though, or at least not this week. Instead, the Bengals come to town and should present the Cowboys with their toughest test yet, a test Dallas probably won't pass. 

Bengals 26-21

Buffalo @ Los Angeles
Bills coach Rex Ryan intimated that he had an inside source who tipped him off to the fact that Jimmy Garropolo wouldn't be starting last Sunday. He then revealed that he was merely "BSing" but that he loves that he stirred the pot. He knows it's not an actual pot right? I'm worried that he might think he's getting food out of this somehow. the Rams are 3-1 thanks to a stout defense and just enough offense. However, I think the Bills have just enough defense to hold that just enough offense to just few enough points to escape from L.A. with a win.

Bills 13-10

San Diego @ Oakland
The Raiders won yet another close road game last Sunday, putting them at 3-0 away from home this season. Now they return to Oakland where they're ... hmm, 0-1. Meanwhile the Chargers continue to blow games late in increasingly ridiculous fashion. So either we'll see Oakland win on a Hail Mary or San Diego will hold it together for at least part of the 4th quarter and get the win. Something's telling me it'll be the latter. 

Chargers 31-28

Sunday Night 

New York Giants @ Green Bay
Last week was drama-filled yet again for the Giants while the Packers were resting at home their bye week. Let's kick it to Cris Collinsworth to get his two cents on this match-up:
CriColl always bringing that fresh take.

Packers 31-21

Monday Night 

Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Thank god this game isn't being played in Tampa. In back to back weeks they've had home games delayed by severe weather. The biggest loser in this? The Tampa Bay Lightning. Talk about bad press, the NHL season hasn't even started yet and everybody's pissed about the Tampa Bay lightning, not the Lightning, but one could be forgiven for not differentiating between the two. I assume Cam Newton will be ready to go for this game, and even if he doesn't I'll stick with Carolina.

Panthers 27-17