10.14.2016

NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

San Francisco @ Buffalo
This week all the talk regarding this game has been about Colin Kaepernick getting his first start in nearly a year. And while that is an interesting storyline I'm more excited that we get the rare opportunity to see Chris Berman's perennial Super Bowl pick come to fruition. For those of you who don't know, Berman predicted a Niners/Bills Super Bowl prior to nearly every season in the 90's. It never actually happened, but I have to think this will be some consolation to the Schwam, who will no doubt be looking down this Sunday and smiling. No, not because he's dead, because he watches all Bills game from a blimp hovering above Ralph Wilson Stadium.

Bills 30-13


Philadelphia @ Washington
I finally picked the Eagles to win a game last week and they promptly suffered their first loss of the season in Detroit. I almost feel like I can't trust this group of people that I've never met. To be fair they only lost by 1, but it was against a Lions team that probably isn't as good as the one they're up against this week. Seeing as how the NFL always makes sense, Washington is almost guaranteed the win. It's the transitive property folks and it never lies. Then again, as you already know, NFL legend Vince Lombardi always said, "Fuck the transitive property," so this one is anybody's guess.

Redskins 23-20


Cleveland @ Tennessee
There is no escape if you're a Browns quarterback. You will get hurt. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. They've used four different QBs so far, including two who both suffered injuries last week. Cleveland quarterbacks have had the crap kicked out of them so much this season that it's no wonder they decided to wear brown pants last week. Cody Kessler is supposedly healthy enough to make the start this week, and the fact that the Browns are actually relieved by that tells you all you need to know.

Titans 27-16


Baltimore @ New York Giants
This one is what I call a ski race because both teams are going downhill (ZING!). Also because there's a chance that a yeti will run onto the field and eat all the players a la Ski Free. My guess is that Flacco and Manning will trade mistakes late and the game will ultimately come down to who wants it more. That team will lose because they're too desperate. The cooler, more laid back team that couldn't care less will win cuz they got chill. Surprisingly that will be the one with Odell Beckham, Jr. on it.

Giants 26-23


Carolina @ New Orleans
The Panthers say they aren't concerned about Cam Newton riding around Charlotte on a scooter. They should be. And I'm not even referring to his safety, I'm referring to the fact that he looks like a dork. This guy is the face of their franchise and he's cruising around on a bobo Segway dressed like an Australian's nightmare. On Sunday he'll be welcomed back from a concussion by the Saints' defense, which is actually a nice transition back to facing an actual NFL opponent. Seriously, my dog could shred the New Orleans D. That's less an indictment of the Saints and more just a prediction that (most) NFL players would feel weird tackling a dog.

Panthers 39-31


Jacksonville @ Chicago
Just when you want to write off the Jaguars they beat the Colts in London and make you think, "Yeah they're still pretty lousy, but they play in the AFC South, so ya never know ... Hey, What was the name of the deaf American Gladiator?" Your mind was really wandering that day. It's true though, there's a chance that Jacksonville could be a half game out of first in their division after Sunday, and if that's not motivation enough to beat Chicago then maybe the fact that Blake Bortles' parents were eaten by bears (in a bizarre dream I had, I should clarify) will do the trick. I'll pick Jacksonville in a wild n' sloppy one. Oh and the name of the deaf American Gladiator was Siren; kind of messed up really.

Jaguars 27-24


Los Angeles @ Detroit
Last Sunday, with under four minutes to play and his team trailing by 4 Jeff Fisher called for a fake punt that ultimately failed and left the Bills at the Rams' 25 yard line. Buffalo went on to score a touchdown that for all intents and purposes ended the game. So what was Fisher thinking? Is there any chance he's just tired of coaching and would rather be fired and receive the remainder of his contract to sit at home? What I'm saying is, I think he's trying to get fired, he's pulling a Costanza. Remember that Seinfeld episode in which George was attempting to get fired from the Yankees? It's hard to tell if that's exactly what's happening here, but if Fisher shows up to the postgame press conference sloppily eating strawberries in one of Deacon Jones' game worn jerseys I think we'll have our answer.


Lions 20-17


Pittsburgh @ Miami
After being embarrassed by their intrastate counterparts in Week 3 the Steelers have murdered their last two opponents. Not literally of course, though it is a bit conspicuous that Mike Tomlin took out a large life insurance policy on both the Chiefs and the Jets before their games against them. Look, I'm not saying these slaughters were premeditated, but I've heard multiple reports that the Steelers were practicing something in the days leading up to both of those games. Something nefarious? Who am I to say. Just don't be shocked if the Dolphins wash up on the Atlantic shore Monday morning.

Steelers 34-20


Cincinnati @ New England
Now that Tom Brady is officially back can we talk about his mattress commercial in which he's definitely about to participate in some sort of twisted sex trafficking scenario? See for yourself:
The only way this could be creepier is if he were wearing a masquerade mask. Why do you need a secluded, subterranean room with no windows and only a bed Tom Brady? Is it for sleeping? Well then why are there no sheets on the bed?!? Something really messed up is about to go down here. Also, why the hell is Tom Brady doing a mattress commercial?

Patriots 30-20


Sunday Afternoon

Kansas City @ Oakland
The Raiders just keep winning close games. Here are their victory margins so far: 1, 7, 1, 3. This could mean a few different things: they're not quite as good as their 4-1 record would indicate, they have the mental strength to win close games, or they're adrenaline junkies who thrive on intense late-game situations; the Bodhi's of the NFL. I like to think it's the last one. And if that is the case then we may see them go out in a blaze of glory at some point this season, maybe trying to surf to their game in Jacksonville next week. However this week in another close one. Alex Smith will have a chance to mount a late comeback, but he's not coming back ...

Raiders 28-27


Atlanta @ Seattle
Atlanta coach Dan Quinn went to the NFL before the season and requested consecutive away games for his team's longest road trips of the year so that he could keep the team out west and avoid as many long flights as possible. And the NFL obliged with this Denver/Seattle combo. What?!? Coaches can just do that now? Where do they draw the line? Could a West coast team request no 10am starts? What about a coach with a roster full of party animals asking for all night games to avoid hangover effects? Or maybe some sneaky bastard (Belichick) requesting all home games. Obviously none of that would happen, but I'm surprised this Atlanta situation did too. Quinn will be punished for his hubris come Sunday.

Seahawks 31-17


Dallas @ Green Bay
With the success of Dak Prescott we're hearing the same question pop up everywhere: should he relinquish the starting quarterback job once Tony Romo is healthy? To me the real question is what's with this Trump character? Am I right?!? But if we're talking specifically about the Cowboys I say you play the hot hand. If Prescott keeps winning keep him in. Some would argue that you can't lose your job to injury. Drew Bledsoe would probably be one of those people. He's still saying it to anyone who will listen. But the truth is, in this economy no one is safe. One Dallas rookie who most certainly has his starting spot assured is the NFL's leading rusher Ezekiel Elliott. This week he faces a Packers rush defense that has given up only 42 yards per game so far, so definitely keep an eye on the match-up. Do want you want with your other eye ya perv. I'll take Green Bay to win, but only because they're still at home.

Packers 24-21


Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Houston
Let's check in with the best color commentator in the game and get his thoughts on this week's Sunday Night Football game:
Good news CC, Goin' South is still available online! Before the season I predicted that these teams would tie each other in one of their two match-ups this season. Here's opportunity number one!

TIE 26-26


Monday Night

New York Jets @ Arizona
New York looks like a lifeless team and we're only five games into the season. And now the Jets have run into a bunch of birds. Hmm, jets running into birds. You thinking what I'm thinking? There's only one man who can rescue them now. Only one man that can grab the reins of these Jets that are in a free fall only minutes into their flight and steer them toward safety. And that one man? You guessed it: Sully. Now I'm not sure if he has any football knowledge or in what capacity he could help the team, but now that the buzz around his movie has died down he needs a new way to stay in the cultural spotlight. What better way than saving more Jets from New York? Never mind, that's a really dumb idea. Arizona will win by a lot.

Cardinals 31-16


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