NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

New England @ Cleveland

It's been a hard luck season for the Browns, they lost their top two quarterbacks to injury, they're the only winless team in the league, and the referees aren't even willing to believe that they could recover their own fumble. But now they finally a break for Cleveland, they get to face the New England Patriots who are starting yet another new quarterback, their third in the first five weeks. When will Belichick finally settle on one guy and end this turmoil? I mean after losing 16-0 at home to the Bills I don't blame him for wanting to make another switch, but who's to say this new guy will be the answer? Fortunately for New England, even with poor quarterback play they should be able to get by the Browns. 

Patriots 30-16

Philadelphia @ Detroit

Two weeks ago I mistakenly said that Carson Wentz would be making his home debut in the Eagles Week 3 match-up against the Steelers. It was an embarrassing gaffe for a writer that prides himself on accuracy and truth. So I apologize and promise to do better in the future. Philadelphia comes into this game at 4-0, with Wentz having thrown an impressive three touchdowns in last week's victory over the Houston Oilers. Now they travel to Detroit to take on a Lions squad that has looked rather toothless of late. The Eagles should get the win here, or rather they better, because their schedule gets more difficult soon, including a late season trip to Baltimore to take on the Colts.

Eagles 22-17

Chicago @ Indianapolis

For the first time ever a team is being forced to play the week after traveling to London. Coincidentally enough that team is the Colts, who are playing in the game we're about to discuss. Good thing I brought it up, huh? This travel schedule doesn't seem fair, especially considering that the Colts have been lousy. When you combine lousy with jet-lag, things could get ugly. I'm guessing the Colts will show up to the stadium late, strapping their gear on as they scramble onto the field for the opening kickoff, then start running the wrong way once the game begins because, as everyone knows, the field goes the other way in England. All of this confusion will be too much to overcome, even against a subpar Chicago squad.

Bears 27-24

Tennessee @ Miami

You know that emoji that's just the straight-faced guy, no smile, no frown? That's the face I made when I looked at this match-up. The NFL could just issue a press release assuring us all that this game did indeed happen, make up stats and a final score and we'd all be fine with it. And with a Hurricane Matthew in the area that wouldn't be a bad idea. Of course, it would all be a lie though, it didn't happen ... unless it did. We'll never know because none of us tried to watch it. It's Schrodinger's game, if we never turn it on how can we be certain whether Ryan Tannehill is alive or dead? Ok, maybe it's more like the tree in the forest. But somebody should probably check on Ryan Tannehill. 

Dolphins 24-20

Washington @ Baltimore

 Oh baby, it's one of the NFL's classic quadrennial regional rivalries. Don't know what quadrennial means? Look it up, I just had to. It was in this match-up in 2012 when RG3 took a hit to the knee from Haloti Ngata that was the inciting incident of Griffin's career derailment. This begs the question: what sort of franchise altering play will occur this Sunday? My guess is that Terrell Suggs will sack Kirk Cousins, breaking his nose and unleashing a torrent of blood that will cover Cousins' face. As Washington owner Daniel Snyder stares down at his quarterback's red skin he'll think, "Maybe our team name is offensive." Cousins will stay in the game, refuse to clean himself off, and proceed to have a beastly performance. Inspired by his quarterback's play Snyder will officially change the team name to the Washington Bloody Savages. 

Ravens 30-27


Houston @ Minnesota

The Vikings' new stadium is modeled after an actual viking ship, to the extent that it is constantly floating on one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes. The bad news for the Texans is that Brock Osweiler regularly gets motion sickness. It's pretty much guaranteed that he'll barf all over the place throughout the game. At first it will be funny (if not hilarious) but eventually he'll vomit so much that everyone will get pretty concerned. Houston coach Bill O'Brien won't take him out though, because ya know, it's a pretty big game, but like most of us he'll feel pretty bummed out about. 

Vikings 20-13

New York Jets @ Pittsburgh

Ryan Fitzpatrick has thrown 9 picks in his last two games. He's become so prolific at throwing interceptions that I think we should coin a new phrase. Every time he tosses three picks in one game we'll call it a FitzHatTrick. Get that hashtag ready, because he's definitely going to do it again this season, if not this week. And the best part is that the Jets don't really have the option of putting in their backup quarterback, because that man is Geno Smith. Now for some bad news, I just checked and #FitzHatTrick has been used on Twitter before, but I didn't know that when I bought of it, and the guys that used it look way lamer than me, so we're gonna keep rolling with it.

Steelers 32-18

Sunday Afternoon 

Atlanta @ Denver

It's a rematch of Super Bowl XXXIII and a possible preview of Super Bowl LI? Ok maybe I'm being a bit premature ... Not that that's normal for me, whoever told you that is lying! One of the top defenses in the league going up against what is statistically the best offense in the league so far this season. So who's gonna give? Me, to charity, regularly. But that's not important, let's not discuss that here. I don't do it for the recognition, that's not what it's about. In fact, I wish you guys hadn't even found out, but whatever it's public knowledge now. I think Denver's D finds a way to slow down the prolific Atlanta offense.

Broncos 23-20

Cincinnati @ Dallas

The Cowboys are a somewhat surprising 3-1. Some would claim that that record is a product of their as of yet weak schedule. But hey, they can only play the teams that are on there, not to mention that the other guys are professionals too, so fair is fair. And when I say "professionals" I mean professional football players, though it would be interesting to see the Cowboys play against a group of people from a different line of work. 53 accountants? I'll take Dallas. 53 doctors? Yeah, still Dallas. But 53 magicians? That's a whole other story. Can you imagine the sleight of hand? They'd run the best play-action passes we've ever seen! They would certainly give new meaning to the term "misdirection." For all we know the quarterback would disappear from an oncoming pass rush and reappear in the end zone. I really want this to happen now. It probably won't though, or at least not this week. Instead, the Bengals come to town and should present the Cowboys with their toughest test yet, a test Dallas probably won't pass. 

Bengals 26-21

Buffalo @ Los Angeles

Bills coach Rex Ryan intimated that he had an inside source who tipped him off to the fact that Jimmy Garropolo wouldn't be starting last Sunday. He then revealed that he was merely "BSing" but that he loves that he stirred the pot. He knows it's not an actual pot right? I'm worried that he might think he's getting food out of this somehow. the Rams are 3-1 thanks to a stout defense and just enough offense. However, I think the Bills have just enough defense to hold that just enough offense to just few enough points to escape from L.A. with a win.

Bills 13-10


San Diego @ Oakland

The Raiders won yet another close road game last Sunday, putting them at 3-0 away from home this season. Now they return to Oakland where they're ... hmm, 0-1. Meanwhile the Chargers continue to blow games late in increasingly ridiculous fashion. So either we'll see Oakland win on a Hail Mary or San Diego will hold it together for at least part of the 4th quarter and get the win. Something's telling me it'll be the latter. 

Chargers 31-28


Sunday Night 

New York Giants @ Green Bay

Last week was drama-filled yet again for the Giants while the Packers were resting at home their bye week. Let's kick it to Cris Collinsworth to get his two cents on this match-up:

CriColl always bringing that fresh take.

Packers 31-21


Monday Night 

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

Thank god this game isn't being played in Tampa. In back to back weeks they've had home games delayed by severe weather. The biggest loser in this? The Tampa Bay Lightning. Talk about bad press, the NHL season hasn't even started yet and everybody's pissed about the Tampa Bay lightning, not the Lightning, but one could be forgiven for not differentiating between the two. I assume Cam Newton will be ready to go for this game, and even if he doesn't I'll stick with Carolina.

Panthers 27-17