NFL Picks - Week 7

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ St. Louis

There comes a time when you need to look at yourself in the mirror. For me it's about 15 times a day, just to make sure the trains are still running on time. For the Seahawks it's this week. Time to address the mistakes and mediocre play that has plagued them for the past month or so and move past them, into the 21st century. If they're soliciting any advice, I'll just throw out the possibility of staying committed to the run even if you're down by a score, generating a pass rush even if it involves scheming, and/or Percy Harvin running some routes down the field, . Then again, what do I know? I'm barely even keeping my head above water with these picks. Better make it a 16th mirror visit today.

Seahawks 24-13

Atlanta @ Baltimore

Did you see the FlacMan last week? Homeboy was slangin'. Slangin' to the tune of 300 yards and 5 TDs, notching a victory over Mike Glennon in the process. Now FlacMan takes on the Falcons and Matt Ryan, a man whose career has been intertwined with Flac's ever since they were both drafted in the first round  and took their teams to the playoffs in 2008. They're like Damon and DiCaprio in The Departed. Which now begs the question, which one's which? I'm going to say FlacMan equals Damon, which means Ryan shouldn't stand near any elevator doors on game day.

Ravens 33-24

Tennessee @ Washington

Someday you'll be able to tell your grandchildren where you were when you saw Whitehurst vs. Cousins. And this is the reason they'll have no respect for you.

Redskins 23-16 

Cleveland @ Jacksonville

The Jags missed a long field goal last week that would have given them their first win of the year. It would have been by the score of 17-16 ... exactly the score I predicted! Thanks a pantload Jacksonville. And yes, I'm saying that to the entire city. It's everybody's fault. It takes a village to build a football team, and a shitty village makes for a shitty team.

Browns 24-20

Cincinnati @ Indianapolis

Here's a a marquee match-up between two teams jockeying for position in the AFC playoff picture. The Bengals should have no problem jockeying, since it involves whips, and as we know, they're into ties as well. Real sex freaks. That sort of perversion has no place in today's NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. And it's for that very reason that I'm taking Indy.

Colts 31-27

Minnesota @ Buffalo

Teddy Bridgewater suffered a letdown against the Lions last week, leading the Vikings to a paltry 3 points. Now he's set to make his first road start. Get ready for another let down Teddy, because you're going to Buffalo. I'm not necessarily saying you'll lose, but you have to travel to Buffalo, so either way ...

Bills 20-13

Miami @ Chicago

It's the Wannstedt Bowl! Expect to see a lot of fake mustaches in the crowd honoring the man that once coached both of these teams. And don't expect a dry eye in the house when ol' Dave himself strolls out to midfield to perform his autobiographical one man show at halftime (abridged due to time constraints, of course). If the players aren't fired up for this one then they don't have a heart. Expect it to be close with both squads vying for Wannie's favor.

Bears 27-24 

New Orleans @ Detroit

Poor New Orleans had to go on a bye week just after they'd generated white hot momentum with a desperate overtime victory over Tampa at home. That's just unfair. The NFL's equivalent of a cock block. Now they head to Detroit to face a Lions team that has been surprisingly defensive this season, leading the league in fewest yards and points per game. Detroit will be without Calvin Johnson once again, but if their offense can put up 20+ points against a terrible Saints D, that should get the job done.

Lions 26-21 

Carolina @ Green Bay

The Panthers are coming off a tie, and in their history they are 0-0 after such games. 0-0, another tie. Everything evens out. Yin and yang. Duality of man. Time is a flat circle, especially when you're tied. It doesn't take too much detective work to uncover that a loss here would leave Carolina at a triangularly symmetrical 3-3-1. Makes too much sense.

Packers 31-21

Sunday Afternoon

Kansas City @ San Diego

At first glance this seems like an obvious pick; the powerhouse Chargers over the mediocre Chiefs. But let's dig a little deeper. San Diego is playing at Denver this coming Thursday and could get caught looking ahead. Kansas City has been solid ever since Week 1, and desperately needs a win to keep their head above water. These factors add up to result in my upset special of the week. NOTE: the bylaws of the upset special of the week dictate that even if I get the pick wrong I am commended for my bravery.

Chiefs 24-23

Arizona @ Oakland

The Raiders put together a surprisingly competent game last week and now seem poised to notch their first victory of the season. Until you consider the fact that they have the worst running game in the league and they're going up against one of the best run defenses. I think I'll pass on the Raiders (though their pass D is surprisingly decent).

Cardinals 26-16

New York Giants @ Dallas

When one team plays a better game you just have to tip your cap and give them the credit they deserve. And it's with that in mind that I would tip my cap to the Eagles if I were a Giants fan. Man, they got killed, real pathetic stuff. Things won't get any easier for New York this week as they go against a team that's good now I guess, which seems dumb and wrong, but whatever, they'll blow it soon. Maybe not this week, but soon.

Cowboys 30-17

Sunday Night

San Francisco @ Denver

All this talk about Peyton Manning going for an NFL record 509 TD passes on Sunday night seems a bit unwarranted to me. Look, I know he's an all-time great quarterback, and that the Niners' defense is missing a few key pieces, but throwing for 509 touchdown passes in a single game is an impossibly tall order; I don't care what the circumstances are. If I had to guess he'll probably throw three, which is nothing to sneeze at, but still well off the pace that the so-called "experts" are predicting.
Broncos 27-20

Monday Night

Houston @ Pittsburgh

In this match-up of .500 teams only one can ascend to the glorious land of winning squadrons, filled with milk and honey and fantastical dreams come true. While the other will be cast down to the dark netherworld of failures, dashed hopes, and discontinued childhood favorites. They're here to battle for their lives and it's all for your entertainment. You disgust me.

Steelers 28-23

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