NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning 

Baltimore vs. Jacksonville 

The Jags are headed back across the pond for what has become and annual tradition in recent years. This begs the question: would notice if they just didn't come back? Honestly, of the Jags didn't play another game this season would it affect your life at all? The NFL wouldn't even have to acknowledge that they never returned; just give everyone remaining on their schedule a win for that week and pretend like the networks are airing the game as usual. Since nobody watches Jacksonville games anyway the league wouldn't even have to explain why CBS was just airing a static shot of the stadium with nobody in it. This sounds like a goof, but when the season's over and I ask you to recall a single Jags game we'll see if you can remember any past Week 3. They will play this one though, and they'll lose.

Ravens 23-13

Cleveland @ Indianapolis 

In a season that's already been lamented for poor play this may become the new measuring stick for ineptitude. The nadir of putrid play that has typified 2017 as of yet. Or it could be two teams that are just lousy enough to throw caution to the wind and get all sorts of weird with trick plays, deep balls, and a back and forth scoring barrage that will make your fuggin' head spin! Are you out of breath too?!? ... Sorry, I uh got a little carried away. I'm fine now. I realize it's stupid to expect anything more from this game than a rock fight, but maybe ... just maybe ... they'll have an actual rock fight. That would be interesting, right?

Colts 13-12

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

The Giants have only put up 13 points so far this season. Say what you want, but if you're trying to win games in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE you're going to have to score ... well technically you only need to put up 2 points, so long as you shut the other team out every time. I'd go so far as to say you only need 1 point, but the NFL still hasn't adapted my rule suggestion that teams have the option of waving their possession in favor of an extra point attempt. So really the question Giants fans should be asking is can their defense improve and start shutting teams out on a weekly basis? If not, I'm afraid they're in real trouble.

Eagles 19-10

Miami @ New York Jets

Upon first glance, this one looks like a win for the Dolphins, but I'm not totally sure about them yet. Being uncertain, this seemed like as good a time as any to call upon Pickler, the score-picking goblin. I waited for for almost an hour and a half before I heard splashing and gasping noises coming from my bathroom. I entered to find Pickler bathing in my toilet, with shampoo and all even though he has maybe 10 strands of hair. "Oooh hoo hoo! I'm clean as new!" he shouted as he scrubbed his body with my toilet brush. I asked if he was aware that I poop in there, but he didn't seem to mind. I then pivoted to discussing the game in question. Pickler continued to ignore me then leapt out of the toilet toward the slightly ajar bathroom window. Just before he squeezed his way through the opening he said, "When making football bets don't overthink games involving the Jets." And then ... he was gone.

Dolphins 27-16

Denver @ Buffalo 

Lookout world, these Broncos have come out of the gate hot! But then again, that's what broncos always do, the team included. Over the the last four seasons they've had starts of 6-0, 6-1, 7-0, and 4-0. However, after that 4-0 start from last year they only cobbled together 5 wins the rest of the way before missing the playoffs. So can we trust Trev Siemian and the gang? Probably not. Don't get me wrong, I think they will make the playoffs, but I specifically don't trust Trevor Siemian. It's a long story, but we were business partners once, and let's just say I never received the inheritance money he promised me. And let's also just say that when I become blood brothers with someone it means something to me. And furthermore let's just say that I take someone's word for it when they tell me they're disease free. 

Broncos 26-13

New Orleans @ Carolina 

The Panthers defense has been impressive so far, giving up only 6 points on the season. Meanwhile the Saints are staring an 0-3 start in the face. But hey, New Orleans started 0-2 last year also, and you know what they did? They lost the third game. Ok, it happens, but what about in 2015 when they started 0-2, do you know what they did in the third game then? They lost again. Wow, these guys are a bunch of cowards! Grow a spine and win a game already. Unfortunately, it takes four weeks for the neural tube in a human fetus to close, at which point a spine can begin to grow. No wonder the Saints can't win until after Week 3. 

Panthers 31-20

Pittsburgh @ Chicago 

Oh yeah! A couple rough and tumble towns duking it out on the gridiron. This is what football's all about baby! Keep your tutus at home ladies, cuz this one's gonna get real rough and real tumbley. Call this one the Dryer Bowl, because of all the tumbling that's gonna happen. And we ain't talkin' no perma-press or delicate cycle either. Noooo no, this baby is high heat and high tumbling. Except when this buzzer goes off none of us will be dry. And don't forget about the roughness! No sir, don't you dare. Call this one the Stubble Bowl because of how rough and rugged and sexy on the right guy it's gonna be. What? Naahhh! You're hearin' things! 

Steelers 24-17

Atlanta @ Detroit 

Are the Lions the real deal? If I were a captain on your Jungle Cruise ride (lifelong aspiration) I'd tell you no. But within the context of this NFL season I have to say perhaps. Of course, we'll learn more after their match-up with the reigning NFC champions. And I don't even mean just about the Lions, I think we can all learn a little about ourselves during this game? How so? Look that's your journey, I can't guide you on it. Nor could I legally guide you on a rollicking cruise through Adventureland's fictional jungle. However, if you're lucky enough to be on the ride with me I'll regularly hop up and attempt to grab the mic from the "cast member." Usually they physically best me and I return to my seat bruised and ashamed. Sometimes they're real pussies though, and once I muscle the mic away from them I unleash my wildly inappropriate routine that I've been crafting for the last 10+ years. There are A LOT of animal sex jokes.   

Falcons 28-27

Tampa Bay @ Minnesota 

You have to feel for Vikings fans who are sincerely hoping that Sam Bradford can return as soon as possible to be their starting quarterback. Really we shouldn't be surprised though, this is a classic Bradford scenario; he has a handful of good starts (or even just one in this case), briefly elevates the collective public's opinion of him, and then is lost to any of injuries. It's happened countless times ... Ok, probably like twice, but it's enough for me to be very leery of this whole situation. You wanna know how leery of this I am? Here's how leery, (takes a drag off a cigarette) so leery that I wanna sneak into Mall of American Airlines Bank building or whatever, hide under a table and whack Bradford's knees with a pipe to save us all the trouble. That's right, I'm gonna go frickin Tonya Harding on his ass, and I don't even want a frickin' gold medal for the trouble ... Whoa, sorry. I guess was more Leary about that situation, than leery. 

Buccaneers 22-16

Houston @ New England

Last January the Texans surprisingly hung with the Patriots for most of their Divisional playoff game before New England pulled away later in the second half. But let's be real, that was when Houston was starting Brock Osweiler at QB. And when you're starting Brock Osweiler at QB you have the luxury of being able to stick around in games until the other team inevitably pulls away and wins by double digits. However, the Texans no longer have that luxury. Deshaun Watson is now at the helm, so who knows what to expect. Though if I had to guess (and again, that's exactly what I have to do based on the contract I signed with this website; still kicking myself for agreeing to a 25 year deal) Houston's D will keep them in it for the first half before New England stretches their lead in the second. So, in other words, the Texans will stick around until the Patriots inevitably pull away and win by double digits. 

Patriots 27-16

Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ Tennessee

Last week the Titans dominated the Jaguars on the road while the Seahawks' offense remained mostly stagnant in a narrow home win over the 49ers. So why, you ask, do I get the feeling that Seattle wins in Tennessee? You must be a new reader ... just kidding, there's no such thing. 

Seahawks 17-13

Cincinnati @ Green Bay

Through two games Cincinnati has put up 9 points, leading many to call for Andy Dalton's job. No literally, the Bengals have set up a hotline for people to call in to and make a case for why they would be a better starting quarterback than Andy Dalton. So far most of the calls have been from Colin Kaepernick though, so it's proven to be a pretty big waste of time. For years the debate surrounding Dalton was how high his ceiling was. In other words, what's the farthest you could go with Andy Dalton as your quarterback? Well it now appears that question was answered a couple years ago. The new debate: What's the floor? I hope for his sake that that's been answered over the last two weeks. If not, the Bengals' offense may fall into a sort of never-ending purgatorial abyss that will manifest itself as the entire group hovering in suspended animation six inches above the field.  

Packers 34-10

Kansas City @ Los Angeles Chargers

The Chargers have moved and nothing has changed. They're losing games as late and as devastatingly as they ever did in San Diego. Week 1: game-tying field goal attempt blocked as time expired. Week 2: game-winning field goal attempt sailed wide right. This week I expect the ball to explode on the foot of Yunghoe Koo as he attempts the game-tying extra point. The refs will just look at each other, shrug, and call it no good. No one from the Chargers will protest either because it won't even seem strange to them. 

Chiefs 27-26

Sunday Night

Oakland @ Washington 

What will happen when the 2-0 Raiders travel to the nation's capitol, then travel a little further to get to Landover, Maryland? Don't ask me, as CriColl:

Well I for one am glad you're still alive. I'll pick Oakland until they give me a reason not to. 

Raiders 30-24

Monday Night

Dallas @ Arizona 

There's been quite the furor in the media this week after Ezekiel Elliott appeared to "quit" on a play while the Broncos' Chris Harris ran back an interception during the Cowboys' Week 2 loss in Denver. Personally though, I really can't judge him, I mean I quit football in 7th grade; Elliott stuck with it way longer than me. In fact, all of the people in the media quit football at some point too, so if you ask me they're a bunch of hypocrites. What's more, Elliott has decided to come out of retirement and return to the Cowboys this week, so we should probably all cut him some slack. Even with Elliott though, Dallas hasn't looked spectacular this season. But on Monday they're visiting the Cardinals who barely escaped Indianapolis with a win and have looked seriously lousy. So who wins? I'll take unspectacular over lousy any day of the week. Well, most days of the week. Either way, Monday is one of those days.

Cowboys 20-13